Chapter 7
As we begin our story today, we find the Director looking for Mewtwo to discuss some special effects.
Director: *opening the door to the prop department* Mewtwo? Are you in here?
Mewtwo: Yes...
Director: Is it finished?
Mewtwo: Yes...
Director: Can I... see it?
Mewtwo: ......Yes......
*The director trots into the room and finds Mewtwo sitting in a large leather executive chair, admiring his latest work, which is mounted on a spotlighted pedastal.*
Director: It's HORIFFIC!!! It's TERRIBLE!!!
Mewtwo: Yes, I know....
Director: It's PERFECT!!!!
Mewtwo: Doubtless....
Director: Can I touch it?
Mewtwo: Do you like your hands?
Director: You mean it really works?
Mewtwo: Of course! When have I ever made something that didn't work?
Director: Well there were those brownies you tried once, but that could happen to any--
Mewtwo: SILENCE!
Director: *Quivering* Yes, sir!
Mewtwo: Now go, prepare the set for the arrival of my masterpiece!
Chapter 7: Don't Drink the Water
(It costs too much!)
*On the Omega Ball, Lord Voder and two Startroopers stomp through the forbidding halls of the detention block, stopping in front of cell EV-4U. The Syth Lord waits impatiently as one of the troopers presses the button to open the door, which slides open to reveal Princess Waterflower sitting on a slab of metal that supposedly serves as a bed.*
Voder: Now, Princess, we shall discuss the location of your secret Coalition Base!
Misty: I'll never tell you!
Voder: Then we shall have to extract the information by force. Droid, come!
*A hideous mass of wires, blades, and needles skitters into the room on a jumble of spidery legs. The gruesome maching latches onto Misty with half a dozen arms, and quickly injects the contents of a needle into her arm. Misty yelps in pain*
Director: (off camera) This is great! Was that in the script? And what's in that needle?
Mewtwo: (OC) Sort of... And that was a mild acid I whipped up... *by this time, Misty is screeching and writhing in agony*
Director: Doesn't sound mild... *Suddenly, the droid brings out a scalpel arm, and prepares to cut up one of Misty's arms.* Uh, Mewtwo, that's good enough, shut it down now!
Mewtwo: You mean you didn't want this on camera? Oh well...
*The door to the detention cell slams shut as the droid lowers the scalpel. Another shriek splits the air.*
Director: You did shut that down before it cut her, didn't you? *Mewtwo simply shrugs*
*On the edge of a cliff, Brock, Obi-Oak, and the two droids look out at their destination.*
Obi-Oak: Som Yelsie Spaceport... You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villiny...
Brock: Really?
Obi-Oak: Well... maybe Java the Glutt's palace is worse... Anyway, this should be fun. However... We must be careful. Some of these people aren't very nice.
JPO: *Looking out at the city.* It's so... dusty! Like everything else on this horrid rock! *Leans closer for a better view*
M2: Hey, Jimmy, don't do dat. Ya might fall!
JPO: Oh, don't be silleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! *JPO falls over the cliff and lands at the bottom with a sickening crunch.*
M2: See? Toldja, ya dimwit!
*After picking up JPO and banging out most of the dents in his plating, the four drive into the city at insane speeds, nearly running over a bunch of the small hooded figures that seem to plague the planet. They jerk to a stop in front of a plain-looking building.*
Brock: What's this place?
Obi-Oak: It's the Som Yelsie Bar & Grill. All the good pilots hang out here.
Brock: Why?
Obi-Oak: Because the food's cheap and the drinks are strong.
*Suddenly, two Startroopers run up to the speeder, gasping for breath*
Trooper 1: Why didn't... you stop.... at.. the checkpoint?....
Brock: There was a checkpoint?
Trooper 2: *points to a sign that they had run over in their road rage. It says "CHECKPOINT: STOP HERE"* There....
Brock: Oh, sorry...
Trooper 1: Never mind that... How long have you had these droids?
Brock: Uh.... Couple of--
Obi-Oak: Years... We got them 2 years ago. Wanna buy them?
Trooper 2: You mean it? Yeah! I'll take the--
Obi-Oak: Well they aren't for sale!
Trooper 2: Aw, man... Everybody pulls that one on me....
Trooper 1: *shaking his head* Let's see some ID.
Obi-Oak: *waving his hand* You don't need to see his identification...
Trooper 1: Listen, old man, I said show me your identification, and I MEANT it!
Obi-Oak: *slipping the trooper some cash* I said, you don't need to see his identification!
Trooper 1: *nodding as if he suddenly realized something* Oh, yeah, I don't!
Obi-Oak: *hands some more money to the other trooper* These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Trooper 2: *The trooper stares at the two robots* Droids? What, THESE droids? Couldn't be!
Obi-Oak: *waving his hand again* We can go about our business!
Troopers: Yeah... Go on, get out of here...
Brock: *not noticing the exchange of capital* Wow, that's a neat trick! How'd you do that?
Obi-Oak: Mind tricks... I'm a bit rusty, but I still got the basics!
Brock: Wow!
Obi-Oak: Come on, let's go inside now. Just watch your back... They don't even bother to report the deaths in here anymore. *Brock gulps, but follows Obi-Oak inside. The bar is filled with strange creatures that defy imagination. (so they won't be described here) The air is saturated with poorly-played jizz, from a ragtag band with poorly-maintained equipment. Obi-Oak immediately disappears into the crowd, leaving Brock to stare in wide-eyed wonder at the new experience.*
Bartender: Hey, kid! We don't serve their kind in here!
Brock: *suddenly realizing that he's being talked to.* Huh?
Bartender: Your droids gotta go, boy! We don't want them in here. *points at a sign that says "No Droids... EVER!"
JPO: Oh my, we were just leaving!
M2: No we wasn't! And he ain't gonna make us! *M2 wheels up to the bar, knocking patrons aside rudely. A slot in his side opens and deposits a single coin on the counter.* Gimme a Starbuster on da double, and a Berry Fizz for da gold guy! And no more lip from ya, see?
Bartender: That's not enough money for that!
M2: *pops out his arc welder and gives the Bartender a good jolt* I said no more lip! Dat's enough for the drink I want, and da other one's on da house on accounta your bein' rude to payin' customers! Now serve dem drinks before I come over dere and zap ya a good one! *The 'tender grouchily complies*
Brock: *throwing down a coin* Gimme a Black Hole!
M2: I wouldn't drink dat if I was you...
Brock: I'm a man, I can drink whatever I want! *accepts his drink from the bartender, swigs a huge gulp, and immediately spasms and falls on the floor twitching*
M2: Musta been a weak batch...
*As Brock groans and hauls himself into a chair, another (rather ugly) alien patron sucks down the rest of his drink in a single swig*
Brock: Hey, that was mine!
Ugly Patron: Granff Nrugg!
Brock: What? *a scarfaced patron taps him on the shoulder*
Scarface: He doesn't LIKE you!
Brock: So? I don't care!
Scarface: I don't like you either!
Brock: Then go away and leave me alone...
Scarface: Listen, punk! I have the death sentence in 26 systems!
JPO: Oh my, how wretched!
Brock: Is there a reward for turning you in?
Scarface: Yes, but you won't be collecting it!
Brock: Why not?
Scarface: You'll be dead! *shoves Brock roughly to the floor and pulls out a ray gun*
Bartender: No, not again!
*Suddenly, a shining beam of light sweeps through the weapon and hand that's holding it. The scarface screams in agony and runs out of the bar. The bartender picks up the severed limb and throws it after him.*
Bartender: Go on, get out of here, ya freak! You know the rules! No ray guns allowed! *to Obi-Oak* That's the third time he's tried to kill someone this week. Next drink's on the house.
Obi-Oak: Fine, get me a blue milk!
Bartender: Darn... That'll cut into profits... *strides off to get the drink. Brock suddenly realizes that no one else even noticed what happened.*
Obi-Oak: Come on, Brock. I've found us a pilot.
*The two of them make their way through the crowd until they reach a booth with two occupants.*
Brock: Hey, I know you!
Ash: I bet you do! I'm Ash Uno, ace pilot and pokémon trainer! Pik.. uh, I mean, Chu-bacca here tells me that you need a ship to fly you to the Aldraan system.
Chu-bacca: Pika!
Obi-Oak: Yes, if it's a fast ship.
Ash: You've heard of me, but you haven't heard of the Century Pidgey?
Obi-Oak: Nope...
Ash: We made the Kanto run in less than 13 hours! I can't BELIEVE you've never heard of it!
Brock: *whispering to Obi-Oak* Would this be a good time to mention that the usual length of time for the Kanto run is 10 hours?
Obi-Oak: It's cheap, so stop complaining. *to Ash* How much?
Ash: 17,000! All up front!
Brock: That's cheap!?
Chu-bacca: *glaring at Ash* Kachu pik pika!
Ash: You mean we need more?
Chu-bacca: *pulls out what appears to be a stack of bills and starts pointing at the figures* Chu chu pika pikachu chu kachu pik pika!
Ash: Oh..... I forgot about those....
Obi-Oak: I can pay you 6 now, and 24 more when we reach Aldraan.
Ash: Only 30? I said 17,000! *Chu-bacca shocks him, then lectures him sternly* Oh... Ok... Pikachu says that'll be fine...
Obi-Oak: Don't you even want to know what the cargo is?
Ash: No, not really. Pikachu says that it's better for me not to know. You can tell him later....
Brock: Actually, it's just me, Obi-Oak, and two droids. We're trying to get away from the Imperium.
Chu-bacca: *frowning deeply* Pika......
Ash: Really!? You think we might get to fight them!? I can't wait! I can beat them in a pokémon battle any day! *Chu-bacca shakes his head in misery.*
Obi-Oak: We wish to AVOID any Imperial entanglements!
Ash: Aw.... Drat.... Oh well, we'll just have to make do. Me and Pikachu'll meet you at docking bay 25 in three hours.
Brock: There's only one thing I don't understand...
Ash: What's that?
Brock: *pointing at Ash's partner* Is his name Chu-bacca or Pikachu?
Ash: Uhh... *stares off-screen at the director who just glares at him* It's Chu-bacca, or Chuie, to his friends. Pikachu's my nickname for him.
Brock: I see..... *Brock suddenly tenses as a gloved hand grabs his shoulder. He and Obi-Oak whirl around to find a pair of Startroopers. (These two are hereby designated 3 and 4 in this episode, so as not to be confused with the previous two troopers)*
Trooper 3: *pointing to M2 and JPO* Are you the owners of those droids?
M2: Uh-oh, BUSTED!
Trooper 4: You'll have to come with us...
Brock: *whispering to Obi-Oak* Quick, use a mind trick!
Obi-Oak: *Reaches into his pocket quickly* Um... I can't! I.. uh... I'm fresh out of mind tricks...
Brock: What do you mean, you're out?!
Obi-Oak: I told you! I'm rusty!
JPO: Meowth, do something!
M2: All right, all right... Hey star dudes! 'Fore you haul us up da river, so to speak, how's about a free drink?
Troopers: *Looking at each other* Sure!
M2: Hey, Barkeep! Get dese nice guys a pair a Black Holes! And don't water it down dis time!
Troopers: Yeah! The good stuff!
*The two Troopers remove their helmets and suck down their drinks in one go. A moment later, they're both unconscious and spasming violently on the floor.*
M2: Wimps...
JPO: Hurry! Let's go before they wake up!
M2: Don't worry 'bout dat, Jimbo. Dey's gonna be dere a while.
Obi-Oak: JPO is right, we should depart now. We'll need to sell Brock's speeder to get enough money to pay Uno. *The four exit the bar*
Ash: This is great, Pikachu! Now maybe Java will get off our backs! Go on, prep the ship for launch, I'll be there in a couple minutes, after I get those parts you wanted.
Chu-bacca: *handing Ash a list and a pile of money* Kachu pik pikachu. Chu pika pika pikapi.
Ash: You mean I can't even get a candy bar? *Chuie considers this for a minute, then nods his assent and holds up two fingers, and points to himself.* Ok, I'll get you one too. Thanks, Pikachu!
*Chuie smiles and darts off, tripping one of the other aliens as he darts by its third leg. Ash stands as well, heading for the back door, when he walks into another familier face.*
Ash: Damien!
Damien: I go by Gree D now, Uno!
Ash: Who gave you that dumb name?
Gree D: Java did. And he's sent me here to remind you of a certain debt. He's put a price on your head that's so big, that it's uh... um... Well, it's just really big!
Ash: Well, tell Java that I've got his money!
Gree D: Java's through with you, Uno!
Ash: Liar! He says I'm the best. And like I said, I have the money!
Gree D: Fine, give it to me, and I might just forget I ever found you...
Ash: Well... you'll have to talk to Pikachu about that. He's in charge of finances...
Gree D: It's too late for that. Java has no time for pilots who drop their entire shipment into a sun, just because they're too stupid to close the cargo bay doors!
Ash: It was an accident! You think I did it on purpose?
Gree D: Tell that to Java, he might just take your ship... or perhaps your Pikachu!
Ash: Over my dead body!
Gree D: Yes! I've been waiting to do this since you took my Charmander from me all those years ago!!! *pulls a ray gun* Prepare to DIE, Ketchum!
*A bright beam of light flashes through the air. A moment later, Gree D slumps over the table. Ash looks around, trying to figure out what happened.*
Bartender: *Holding an assault rifle and gesturing at a sign* ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE! READ IT WITH ME! NO RAY GUNS ALLOWED!!!!!!! *Everyone in the bar nods submissively*
Ash: Hey, thanks pal. *Tosses the bartender a high-value coin and leaves the building*
End Chapter 7
Director: Hey, Mewtwo? How's Misty?
Mewtwo: Enraged, of course.
Voder: Is she mad at me?
Mewtwo: No, I believe her displeasure is centered on me.
Misty: *runs into the room, with tiny red pinpricks all over her body. Weilding a mallet, she brings it down on Mewtwo's head with all her strength.* Take THAT, you monster!!!
Mewtwo: *crumples into a heap on the floor.* Oww.....
Mew: *floating by* Wow, even I couldn't do that to him!
Ash: *walking offstage* Hi, Mew! Hi, Mewtwo! Hi, Samus!
Voder: AAAARRGH!!! *Runs out of the studio, still screaming in annoyance*
Misty: What about me?
Ash: Oh, yeah... Hey, Misty... Did you get chicken pox or something?
Misty: No, Ketchum, I didn't! *spots Mewtwo trying to sneak away to his trailer* Get back here, you slime! I'm going to give you a headache your grandmother feels!!
Mewtwo: *running away full tilt* But I don't HAVE a grandmother!!
Misty: *raising the mallet above her head* Good! Then you won't have to share with her!!!
Director: Wow, I should film THIS!
Will Mewtwo escape Misty's wrath? Will Ash and Chuie pay off Java the Glutt? What IS a Glutt? Will Brock and Obi-Oak get off-planet, or will the Century Pidgey break down in orbit?
Find out, on the next exciting chapter of Poké Wars!
