Title: The Vampire Who Came To Dinner
Author: The Red Strawberry
Email: StageGlitz@yeayea.com
Summary: The Vampire Version of the Man Who Came To Dinner
Pairings: Willow/Doyle
Disclaimers: I don’t own any of these characters. The Buffy characters
belong to Joss, and the Man characters belong to...I forget. Oh well.
Author’s Note: Here is a little help to get the story: Spike is Sheridan
Whiteside, Willow is Maggie, Angel is Banjo (Although he acts more like
Angelus) Giles is Mr. Stanley, Joyce is Daisy Stanley, Buffy is June (or is
it Judy?), Xander is Richard/Dick, Cordelia is Lorraine, Harmony is Nurse
Preen, Oz is the German scientist, Wesley is Beverly, Riley is the doctor,
Dru is Harriet, and Doyle is Burt. Parker plays Buffy’s boyfriend. The
Jelly Jar lady is just someone.
Author’s Note 2: This play was supposed to be in the 30’s-40’s, so the
language is a little old. Also, I changed a lot of the celebrity names,
because basically a lot of the stars used originally are old and dead.
ACT 1
The whole household, Mr. Giles, his wife Joyce, and their two kids Xander
and Buffy were all waiting nervously in their living room. Finally, Dr.
Riley came out of the library. “He has a broken hip bone, and Mr. Spike
won’t be able to move around for 10 days at least. Now, where is Nurse
Harmony?”
“Right here!” the doctor’s assistant came out from the hallway. “And I have
the medicine he’s supposed to take.”
“Very good,” Dr. Riley praised her. “I will be back later to check on Mr.
Spike’s progress.” The doctor left, and as Harmony went into the library, a
woman came in, holding a large bag.
“I’ve come to give Mr. Spike a present! I was so worried when I heard about
it. Look, Joyce, you’re even in the paper!” Joyce and her husband read the
article.
“I’m not sure I like this kind of publicity,” Giles grumbled.
“Mom, read it to us, please?” Buffy whined.
‘It says: This weekend, Mr. Spike was visiting friends when he slipped on
an ice cube. The doctor reports he has a broken hip, and must be confined
to Mr. and Mrs. Giles’ for 10 days, possibly missing his famous Christmas
broadcast.”
The two children were fighting over who kept the article when the door to
the library opened. Everyone in the room watched as Spike was rolled in by
his secretary. Nurse Harmony was hovering close behind.
“Mr. Giles,” Spike started. “I intend to sue you for $50,000. Now, I will
need exclusive use of this room, a breakfast of at least 6 different types
of blood served to me immediately after I get up, which is not until noon,
and no interruptions until then. Furthermore, I require no one but myself
to use your phone line. Is this clear?”
While Giles stuttered, Joyce spoke up, “How will we get upstairs, to our
rooms if we cannot come through the front door?”
“ You have a back entrance, I suggest you use it. And you!” He wheeled
around to face his Nurse. What are you doing, fluffing my pillow or milking
it? Leave me and read the life of Florence Nightingale. Maybe then you will
see how unfit you are for your chosen profession.” The room was quiet until
Spike turned to the woman on the couch. “Why are you just standing there?
Get out!”
“But I brought you Jelly Jars!” She managed to tell him.
“From your own feet, I have no doubt. Now leave!” the woman left with her
bag of jars.
“Now, Spike, I will not have you ordering-” Giles started.
“Yes, you will. I did not choose to be trapped in this awful hellhole, so
maybe you could give me one little favor?”
“ What is that?”
“ GET OUT!”
The room was empty within seconds save Spike and Willow. She turned to him
with several papers in her hand. “Spike, you have received 6 telegrams. The
first is from Ronald Reagan. He says it’s urgent.”
“ Very well, I’ll answer him next week.”
“The other ones are from Miss Spears, Miss Turner, Mr. Gates, Angel, and
Cordelia.”
“Angel? I haven’t seen him since that party in LA! Where is he now?”
“ Well, it says, ‘Spikey- I’m in Miami and I heard about your hip. My movie
is going great, I finally got Audrey Hepburn to star in it. Aren’t you glad
we turned her?
-Angel .”
“And what about Cordelia?”
“ She says, ‘How is my poor little Spikey? I heard about your accident, you
poor poor dear. I wish I could be there right now to take care of you, but
alas, I’m out here working on Lord Bottomly, God knows how close I’ve come
to getting him to marry me. Your Blossom Girl,
Cordy.’ Have I told you how much I hate her?”
“ Only fifty times. Now, have you filed my-” Spike stopped when he heard an
elder woman waltz into the room in a long flowing gown.
“Oh, hello, Mr. Spike! My son told me about you, and I’m so sorry. If there
is anything I can do,” She stopped suddenly, gazing up at the stairs. She
walked over to them, posed like the painting behind her, and raced out of
sight.
“Who in the devil was that?” Spike asked, still looking at where the crazy
woman had stood.
“Her name is Drusilla. She is Mr. Giles’ mother.”
“No, I’ve seen her somewhere, I just can’t remember. Oh well. Have you
filed my-” Again Spike was interrupted by a short man who had burst through
the door.
“Hello, Mr. Spike? I was wondering if I could have an interview.”
“ I don’t give them. Willow? Get this man out.”
“Mr. Spike, please, I have the worst editor ever and if I don’t get this
interview in the morning paper he’ll give me hell!”
“Mr...”
“Doyle. Just Doyle,” he told the redhead who had spoken.
“Well then, Doyle, Spike isn’t seeing anyone today. Now please leave.”
“ Tell me, boy, if this editor is so awful, why don’t you quit? There can’t
be that much holding you in this little town.”
“ My father owned the paper, and when he died, he passed it on to me, and
it has a lot of sentimental value.”
“ So this editor you’ve been speaking of, he’s you?”
“ Yes, I guess he is!” Spike patted the couch beside his wheelchair. Doyle
happily sat down, and they were soon into a deep discussion on a
controversial murder. Willow rolled her eyes.
“Spike? Next time when you say you don’t want to see anyone, I’ll just
usher them right in!” Willow left the room.
“Spike? Can I ask you something?”
“Go ahead,” Spike answered.
“Is Willow single?”
“Yes, why? Oh, never mind, I don’t need to know. Now leave and write that
interview. I’ll expect you here tonight to play Cribbage.” Doyle left, and
Spike was yelling to Willow if she had filed his broadcasts when the door
burst open again. It was his old friend Oz, the entomologist.
“Spike, guess vhat I brought you? An entire cockroach farm!”
“ Really? I’ve always dreamed of being a cockroach farmer,” Spike exclaimed
sarcastically.
“Now, here is vhere they vork, and here is vhere they breed, and here is
the teeny tiny maternity hospital, and here is vhere they die! See the
teeny tiny gravestones?” Spike was pretending not to be, but he was
fascinated by the little world. He thanked the scientist and showed him
where to put the farm. Spike was calling for Nurse Harmony when the two
Giles children came in, tiptoeing around him.
“Children, Children! Come here! Now, I admit when you first met me, I was a
little rude, but I really do like people. Now, tell me about you two. Where
have you been?”
“Well,” the girl, Bunny, or Buffy was it? Answered tentatively, “We went
ice skating out on the ice. Oh- Willow was out there too with Mr. Doyle.”
“Willow, ice skating?”
“Yeah! She was doin some real fancy stuff, too. I got a couple of pictures.
Say, can I take yours?”
“Why yes, my boy, are you a photographer?”
“No, I just take them for fun.”
“Xander, Xander, you can’t just do things for fun anymore! You should be
thinking about your future! What do you want to do?”
“ I want to go to Mexico and take pictures, but my father wants me to stay
here.” Spike saw the perfect way to get at Mr. Giles.
“Son, you can’t always do what your father says. What about what you want?
I say, go to Mexico. Hell, go tonight even!”
“ Really? Thanks Mr. Spike! I’m going to go pack right now!” Spike turned
to see Buffy still standing there.
“What about you, sweets? What do you want to do?”
“ Well, I want to marry this guy I’ve been seeing. But my father doesn’t
even want us to date, let alone get married.”
“Why is that?”
“ Parker is a union worker. He talked to some of Dad’s employees and got
them to strike. Dad is still mad about that one. Would you like to meet
him?”
“ He’s here? Bring him out!”
“You’ll be nice to him, right?
“ How many times do I have to tell you children I’m a NICE PERSON???” Buffy
giggled and ran out to get Parker.
“Hello, Mr. Spike. I’ve heard all your broadcasts,” Parker told him.
“Hello, Parker. Well, Buffy, I’m a very good judge of character, and I see
that this boy is the one. If you don’t grab him quick, he’ll get away!”
‘Really Spike? We were thinking of eloping tonight.”
“ I don’t see why not! Go, go ahead! and call after you get hitched!” The
two ran off to make plans. Just then Willow came in, still humming a song
she heard with Doyle. hmm, Mrs. Willow Doyle. She liked it. Her thoughts
were interrupted when Spike’s wheelchair came into view. What was she going
to tell him? Blunt and to the point. Right.
“Spike, I have something to tell you. I‘m in love. Can you believe it? Me!
In love! I guess this is my resignation letter. I want to marry Doyle, if
he’ll have me.”
“ Willow, don’t be silly. You are just an old cow tired of being alone. Now
if you come to your senses, I will forgive this little outburst. Come
along, we need to work on my broadcast.”
“ Face it Spikey, I’m in love, and I’m staying. Of course I'll stay with
you until you have a replacement, but that’s all. Oh, and Doyle asked me to
give this to you. Will you please read it? It’s very good!” She thrust a
manuscript into his hand and skipped off to the library. Spike made a
couple faces at the papers, flipping through it. He stopped and frowned. It
was actually very good. A good script? He had just the thing. He picked up
the phone and dialed the operator.
“Yes, I would like to place a call to England? Yeah, to Miss Cordelia
Chase. Yes, that’s C-h-a-s-e. Tell her its Spike.” He waited for a while,
then the phone was picked up again. “Blossom girl? This is Spike. I found a
great new script, but the writer wants Gwyneth Paltrow. Yes, can you
believe it? Anyway, the writer is a small-town newspaper man, and I think
if you were to pop in to see your old friend Spike for a few days, he
wouldn’t mind you working a few of your “charms” on him! Good, leave that
old Bottomly, come straight here. Alright, bye love.”
Spike leaned back in his chair. Life was good.
Scene 2
(Author’s Note: I’m sorry, but in this scene Cordelia is awful. Very )
Willow and Spike were in the living room, going over some sponsor work.
>From the door came a knock, and Nurse Harmony opened it. A tall man with
glasses walked in, sweeping Willow into a hug. “Willow, darling,” he
greeted. “How are you getting along with this old humbug?”
“I’m fine, Wesley! In fact, I’m wonderful! I have met the greatest man.
Doyle. Isn’t that a wonderful name?” Wesley chuckled, seeing Spike’s smirk.
He knew Spike wasn’t jealous of Doyle, just scared of losing the only
secretary he’d ever kept. But he knew Spike would do anything to make sure
Willow stayed.
“Spike, old boy, I heard about your hip! Confined to a wheelchair, is it?
Well, can’t say I’m sorry. I heard Cordelia might be stopping by.” What?
Willow knew she would never come out of the goodness of her heart. Who
called her?
“ Don’t worry, Wes. I’m sure you’ll be long gone by the time she comes,”
Spike promised, death in his eyes. “I’d love to chat with you some more,
but you’ll probably have to go now, right?”
Wesley merely smirked. “I was hoping to sing Willow the tune I do in my new
movie.” Willow nodded enthusiastically.
Wesley played his piano solo, and when he was finished, he and Willow got
to talking about Lord Bottomly. Wesley showed her his famous Bottomly
impression, and she had to admit he sounded exactly like the Lord himself!
He departed soon after. Willow had hoped to talk to him alone, but Spike
was there the whole time. She decided to call him during Spike’s nap.
“Operator? Yes, I’d like the number to Wesley Whindam-Price’s hotel. Thank
you…. Wesley, I think something is up. Can you still do that impression of
Lord Bottomly? Wonderful! Cordelia will be here soon. I need “Bottomly” to
call her and propose. Got it? Great, I’ll expect to hear from Lorrain
soon.” Willow hung up as Cordelia came in the door. At that moment, Spike
wheeled in, and the brunette jumped onto his lap, squealing.
“Oh, Spikey! That man is a genius! I’ll have him wrapped around my little
finger in no time. Why didn’t you discover him sooner?” Willow’s curiosity
was peaked. Who?
“And this genius is…?”
“Oh, Francis. Don’t you know him? That’s right, he only told you his last
name, Doyle. Anyway, I read some of his script, and he wants to take me up
to his cabin this weekend to work out some of the kinks in it. Isn’t that
wonderful?” Willow nodded sullenly, but Spike sensed she wasn’t as sad as
she should be. What did she do? The phone rang, and Willow reached to
answer it.
“Yes? This is the right number. Cordelia? She’s here… Oh, Cordy, someone’s
on the phone for you. Would you care to speak with Lord Bottomly?”
“Oh, YES!” Cordelia rushed to the phone. “Dearest? What is it? Oh, darling,
don’t stutter so! Just spit it out! Oh, of course I would! I’ll leave first
thing in the morning! I can’t wait to be with my snuggle bunny. All right,
bye darling.” Cordy turned to the other two in the room, and exclaimed,
“Bottomly and I are getting married! Isn’t that wonderful?”
“ But what about the script?” Spike asked nervously.
“Oh, it’ll have to go to Gweneth. I need to make some phone calls.” She
walked to the phone and dialed her maid. “Margarite, I want you to pack all
my bags. I want you to send this telegram…Do you have a pen and paper?
Good. Write, ‘Dear friend, I want you to be the first to know I, Cordelia
Chase, will now be known as Cordelia Bottomly. That’s right, I’m getting
married. Please come to my wedding, when we know when it will be’ Now,
Margarite, I want you to send that exact same letter to all my family and
friends. Everyone in the address book. Alright, you do that. Bye!” Cordy
turned back to her friends, Spike almost growling.
“Are you sure that was Bottomly, Blossom?” he sensed something off about
this whole episode, and Willow looked a little too happy about this news.
“let me have the phone. Where did Bottomly say he was calling from?”
“England, Spike. Whatever do you mean? Of course it was him.”
“That’s what I thought,” he said, ignoring her. Picking up the phone, he
said, “Operator, has there been any trans-Atlantic calls in the past hour?
No? Thank you, you’ve been very helpful. Cordy, I’m afraid that wasn’t
Bottomly, just Wesley playing a cruel joke.”
“ Why, why would he do such a thing?” Cordelia was almost in tears. “Oh,
God! The telegram! I’ll be the laughing stock of the whole nation! I have
to call Margarite.” She dialed the number and was relieved to find her maid
had packed nothing. “Well, now that that’s taken care of, I must be off. I
have a writer to seduce!” She left in a flourish, and Willow broke into
tears.
“You have to ruin everything, don’t you? Why couldn’t you have let me be
instead of being selfish for once in your life?” Willow stormed into the
other room. Spike frowned deeply, and wondered what he could do. He just
hoped he hadn’t lost his one true friend in his life.