Title: Tiffani with an i
Author: Ash (Maybe. I may decide to avoid responsibility for this. ;)
E-mail: ash_j66@hotmail.com
Feedback: Please? I'm disturbed about this fic.
Category: Sillyfic or Badfic. Hard to tell.
Rating: G

Notes: I was just going about my normal life when I suddenly began
channeling a cheerleader. Not just any cheerleader, either. Tiffani with
an i and a little heart. This is my attempt to write her out of my head.

Part One

So I was like at the Bronze, 'kay? 'Cause I mean it was Tuesday and you
know that's no cover night. Not like I care! I mean, I can *always* find
some guy who'll pay my way just to like, be seen with me! So anyway, I was
at the Bronze, and I was over by the bar, right? With Sarah and Jenni and
that new girl, you know, the one that thinks she's so hot just because her
father is like, some kind of finance person. Like that's *really*
impressive or something. Whatever.

Anyway, we were over by the bar, and that band was playing. The one with
that guy in it... Yeah! Devon, that's it. You know, he dated Harmony,
Cordelia *and* Julia all at the same time? What! No, of course *I* didn't
go out with him. What would make you think that... *Who's* been saying? I
don't know what her deal is, but I would *never* date Devon. I mean, he's
still in High School! I am so too over-mature for High School guys.

So this guy was checking me out? And he was *so* hot. He looked kind of
like Leo? He had that super-cool pale skin and stuff? But then he left.
He really jammed out of there too, you know? Like he'd left his hair dryer
on at home or something. Yeah, apparently you're not supposed to do that.
I *know*! I was surprised too!

And that's when I noticed that that weird girl had come in. You know, the
one that's always in trouble? Betsy... Bunny! That's it! And she was
with those two losers. Which losers? Oh right, like I *know* their names!
One of them was that guy that Cordy was slumming with for a while... The
scavenger hunt guy? Yeah, that *was* total weirdness. The other one was
that girl, the red-head? The one who teaches math or something?

Okay, so they all found a table and sat down, right? And then Bunny got up
and started dancing. And Cordy's loser got up too. Math girl stayed
behind... Computers? Yeah, maybe. That stuff's all pretty much the same
anyway. I mean, yawn much? So I wasn't really watching, 'cause you know I
have *so* little interest in their so-called *lives*.

But then this guy came over? And Oh My God he was nothing but goodness. He
had one of those really cool punk cuts? All white and totally short... No
of *course* I don't hang around with punks! As if. But this guy was
different. He was *older*. Anyway, he was wearing this long leather coat
and he looked so good, but then he went and sat by the geek and they started
talking! So of course I was like "Whatever" and then this hot guy came over
and asked me if I'd like to, y'know, dance. And I said "'Kay." 'cause I was
bored and stuff and I thought "Why not?"

So we were dancing, right? And I was *not* going to dance with him again
'cause he was like the *worst* dancer I'd ever seen! But then I nearly got
knocked down by that Bunny girl! So he caught me, and then I *had* to dance
with him again. Bunny like *ran* back to her table, and she was looking
really postal, y'know? And I heard her ask the guy "What are you doing
here, Mike?"

And he like *put his arm around* the redhead. And I was thinking "Whoa. I
mean, what's his deal?" and he said something like that he was like,
invited? And then Bunny was all like is this true and stuff and the redhead
was like, yeah.

And nobody was looking that happy, and then this *other* guy showed up. It
was like, studly overdose! If I hadn't been stuck with that loser out on
the floor, I would have gone over and shown him what he was missing by
hanging around with social rejects. His loss, so what's the diff?

So anyway, Bunny forgot all about Mike and started paying attention to him?
But he like stared at Mike until she remembered, and then she was like Oh
yeah, Mike. And then they *all* started asking questions and stuff. And
then the new guy *knocked* Mike's arm away and said "Don't you like, touch
her." And Bunny got all Yeah, but... and then she said "Why do you care?"
and the new guy got all defensive and pulled that whole manly silence thing
and she was looking pretty ragged about the whole deal.

And then... Oh, there's my ride. Yeah, I know. He's a major find. Call me
on my cell later, and I'll tell you the rest!

___

Part Two

I am *so* never talking to him again! I mean, sure he's a hunkmeister, but
it was like studly on the outside, total geek on the inside! He took me to
like a *play*! And it wasn't even one of the good ones! You know, the
one's with the songs and the giant cats and stuff? No, this was like three
hours, no plot. It was called something like... Duck lake? No, not
*swans*! What are you, mental? Like I don't *know* what swans look like.
As if.

Anyway, so what were we talking about before the Dud of the week picked me
up? Oh yeah, the whole loser sideshow thing that went down at the Bronze
last week! 'Kay, so I told you about how I was *trapped* out on the dance
floor with like this total spaz, so I figured hey, why not watch the geek
channel? Sure, it's usually dull, but at least this time there were a
couple of hotties thrown into the mix! What? I keep telling you, it's
*okay* that that guy Mike was all punk, 'cause he's *older*! God, can you
say attention deficit?

So I was watching, and the redhead was just sitting there with Mike, and she
was looking all calm in that way you get when you just dented your dad's
care and you just *know* that he's going to get all ragged even though it
wasn't your fault? Yeah, he's still taking it out of my allowance. It's
like he just doesn't *understand* that you have to check your makeup if
there's a cute guy in the next car! Parents.

Okay, so the redhead... Willow? God, there's a name that just screams my
parents were high for an entire *decade*! Yeah, I know that she probably
wasn't born in the sixties. Way to miss the whole joke, Einstein. ... It's
ok. Just try to pay more attention next time, I mean sometimes I wonder why
I even *bother*!

*Any*way, so Willow looked up at Bunny and she was all like "It's my life
Bunny, so like stay out of it!" And Cordy's loser was looking like he was
about to ralph, and the other hottie was having like a staring contest with
Mike? It was like that thing guys do when they're *really* drunk? You
know, just before the fight breaks out?

But then Buffy was like "But you're like, my best friend, and he's like an
*umpire*!" And I was like whoa! What kind of hockey team has that kind of
eye candy for an umpire, and where can I go to watch them play- baseball?
What*ever*. I mean, they've both got sticks and stuff.

So when Buffy said "umpire", loser boy was all like trying to shush her and
stuff like that, which I guess is understandable 'cause like, it's not that
cool to be an umpire, and he doesn't have the looks to make up for it.
Yeah, I know he's not the one who's the umpire! Hel-*lo*, have you ever
heard of a little thing called the rub-off factor. Uh-huh, I should think
so!

And then Mike turned to Willow and was all like, would you like to dance?
And she was like 'kay. And so then they started going to the dance floor
and I was like, terrif! 'Cause you know once they got out her Mike would
have seen me and then it would have been all goodbye Willow and the guy who
was trampling all over my *new* shoes and hello melt in your mouth goodness.
Yeah, have you seen them yet? That's right! They're the black ones with
those funky ankle straps... What?!? Tracey *so* does not have a pair just
like them! I bought those in *Paris* and there's no way that she's ever set
one badly shoed *foot* out of Sunnydale! I mean, have you seen her hair?
You'd swear Mary Tyler Moore lived again! As if her mother doesn't cut it.

Well, I'll deal with that ugly little situation on Monday. I'll just
explain to her that she'd better not be wearing her cheap little knock offs
to the senior prom, 'cause that's when I'm wearing my *originals*. No,
it'll be no problem! She has a *mad* crush on Todd, so I'll just get him to
ask her out on a pity date! Doesn't that totally sound like an even trade?

So where was I? Oh yeah, so Willow and Mike were heading out to the dance
floor, and suddenly the other hottie just grabbed Mike's arm! And Mike was
like "Get your hand off my arm, angel, unless you want to lose it." And I
was all like, hey? Did he just call that guy angel? 'Cause now I was
thinking that maybe I totally misread the whole deal! 'Cause maybe the
"angel" guy was like *involved* with Mike, and Mike was cheating on him with
Willow!

I *know*! Wouldn't that be like just such a *waste* of prime hunk? Not
that I'm not like, y'know, open-minded and junk. But still!

So then the "angel" guy dropped his hand, but then Bunny grabbed *Willow*!
So now I'm thinking, wow. I mean, could everyone *get* much more hostile?
And Bunny was all like "I'm not going to like just *stand here* while you
commit suicide." Like I figured that she meant like, you know, *social*
suicide. After all, hottie or not, Mike *is* an umpire, and it's not like
he could ever take her to parties or stuff. No, I've never seen her at any
parties either, but I guess she must go to *some* of them! I mean, what
else is there to do in Sunnydale?

But even still, I mean like this was verging on an *intervention*! You
know, like "My name is Willow, and I date sports officials." And it was
actually sort of nice in that whole smothering kind of way, I mean, if I
started dating a total loser and I was all lost in love cluelessness, you'd
do that for me, right? Yeah, as even.

So Willow tried to shake off Bunny, and she was all like ow 'cause Bunny
just wouldn't like let go? And then Mike stepped forward and started to
make like he was *actually* going to punch Bunny, and that would have been
like a majorly bad thing, but then "angel" got in the way, and ended up
falling into Willow and knocked her like *right over*! And then Bunny and
Mike did the *weirdest* thing! They...

Oh, I've gotta go! Dad's home, and I'm not supposed to be on the phone this
late! Yeah, part of the way he shows that he's ragged is he gives me a
*curfew*. I mean, it's not even like it was a *new* car! We've had it for
almost a *year* now! Oops... He's coming up the stairs. Chat you later!