Title: Second Thoughts
Author: Karen U
E-mail: revivingophelia13@yahoo.com
Catagory: BtVS
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, the WB, and Fox
Distribution: Charity, Temptation Embraced, anyone else who carries my fic
and wants this
Rating: PG
Spoilers: um, Into the Woods, I think
Summary: Graham thinks about his mistakes
Notes: This one popped in my head and took maybe fifteen minutes to write,
hope that doesn't mean it sucks...

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

He sat quietly at the window, listening to the roar of the plane around him,
gazing out into the darkness. He saw lights below, some random city in some
random state, and he was too damn tired to care exactly which one it was.
He never knew where he was half the time anyway, simply went from assignment
to assignment, not really certain that he was ever required to use his brain
anymore... But had he ever been? Had he ever really thought about what he
was doing, or had he simply fallen into the mold of mindless drone that they
seemed to expect from him... Expect from those he worked with.

Sighing, he glanced across the width of the plane to where Riley sat,
staring out his own window, a melancholy expression on his face. It seemed
to be just about the only look he had lately... And Graham knew exactly what
it was about.

Buffy.

Riley hadn’t said a word about what had happened between himself and the
Slayer, wouldn’t speak about it, but Graham knew it had to be bad... It had
to have been a big deal if Riley had actually left Sunnydale and rejoined
the military because of it.

Sighing, Graham shook his head. Originally he’d thought the little blonde
would be good for his friend, but then he’d discovered the truth about her,
about who and what she was, and he’d begun to have his doubts. He didn’t
trust her for one; but then again, he didn’t trust many people. Maybe he
learned it, maybe it was his nature, but the lack of trust was there. Add
that to the fact that he thought she was dangerous... Dangerous to oppose
and dangerous to know... and, well, he couldn’t say he was all that sorry to
see it end between them, especially since Graham was damn sure that Buffy
Summers was not what Riley needed. How could she be? She was a superhero,
and it would be next to impossible to feel anything but useless with someone
like her... And Graham could tell that Riley had been feeling useless... As
least with the Initiative, despite its flaws, he had actually had a purpose.

But sometimes, Graham wondered what his purpose was.

He hated to admit it, but maybe he was jealous. Jealous of what Buffy and
Riley had had, of the love Riley had felt for her... He’d had someone, while
Graham was alone. Mostly it was by choice, but there was still one...

He’d watched her a few times when she hadn’t been aware, followed her under
the pretense of making sure she was safe, even though he knew the real
reason was just to see her. He didn’t quite understand the attraction to
her; he was usually into flashier girls with the clothes and the hair, not
girls with her quiet, understated beauty...

But he had been attracted to her.

He’d noticed her so many times, wandering around the UC-Sunnydale campus
wearing her long skirts and sneakers, some shirt with a random saying
completing the outfit... She had always seemed to be in a hurry, going from
place to place as quickly as she could, almost like a little bird darting
around. Her hair had been a red that just shone in the sunlight, a flash of
color that he would have said he wouldn’t usually be attracted to. Usually
he preferred blondes... But she was most definitely not a blonde.

He’d wanted to approach her, had tried to on several occasions, but he,
Graham Miller, the guy who always knew how to chat up the woman he wanted,
hadn’t had a clue what to say to her. He had no clue how to approach a
woman like her. She was so smart and quiet... And she seemed as if she’d be
so easy to scare away... So he’d never said anything, just watched her from
a distance.

And then he had found out who she was.

The shock had washed over him when he had learned that she was Buffy’s - the
Slayer’s - best friend, that she fought demons, too. He’d at first thought
that maybe he’d found what he was looking for - a girl who knew about the
creatures of the night, just like he did - but then Walsh had been killed,
and the whole relationship with the Slayer and her group had gone to pot.
Yet Riley had decided to remain with Buffy, choosing his love for her over
his loyalty to the Initiative... And Graham had simply written Willow off as
untouchable.

Maybe it was for the best, he figured as he looked at Riley once again,
taking in the sadness on his friend’s face. Riley had just ended up getting
hurt, feeling lost and alone while in Sunnydale, losing his purpose... Maybe
all the pain Riley had gone through because of the Slayer just wasn’t worth
it for the short time of pleasure they’d had together.

But at least Riley knew how it would end.

That was one thing Riley would always have that he wouldn’t. Riley had gone
for what he wanted, actually held her in his arms for months on end, while
Graham had stayed away, stepping back and pulling away, never going for what
he wanted, leaving himself to wonder if it would have changed things, if
somehow things may have been different.

Sighing, Graham turned back to his own window, looking out into the night,
trying to figure out what was worse, pining for what used to be...

Or wishing for what never was.

The End