Title: Not Right
Author: Karen U
E-Mail: ksu2@juno.com
Content: angst
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, the WB, and Fox; the song
"Your Girl" is written and performed by Jessica Riddle
Distribution: Charity, anyone with 'Ashamed,' otherwise let me know
Summary: Riley makes a decision
Spoilers: this occurs several months after 'Wild at Heart'
Feedback: Is greatly appreciated
Notes: This is a companion piece to 'Ashamed'; {indicates song lyrics }
For M. Jade

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

The first thing Riley Finn noticed when he woke up was that she had slept
with her back to him.

Again.

{ Don’t tell her lies, ‘cause she’ll believe
Boy, she’s still got baby teeth }

Sighing, Riley sat up, a move that forced the comforter that had been
covering both of them to slide down. He stared at the graceful line of her
bare back for a moment, aching to run his hand down it. He had actually
reached out to do so before he caught himself. With a sharp shake of his
head, he drew his hand back, then swung his legs over the side of the bed.
A quick search of the floor led him to his jeans, and he slid them on, not
even bothering to look for his boxers.

{ And she hears the things you say
When you think that she’s asleep }

Without taking the time to button or zip his jeans, Riley stood and walked
around to the other side of the bed. He pulled the old chair the motel
provided up next to the bed and sat down, grimacing as the chair groaned in
protest. He winced at the sound, which was far to loud in the silent motel
room, and his eyes flicked to her face. He sighed in relief when he
realized she wasn’t going to wake up. He wanted to watch her for awhile.

{ She grew up overnight, ‘cause that’s your way
And that’s not right to do to your girl }

Her face was pale in the near-darkness, even paler than usual, and Riley
cursed softly when he saw the tear tracks that ran down it. She had cried
herself to sleep, and he hadn’t even heard her. He reached out to touch her
face, once again catching himself and pulling back before he came in contact
with her soft skin. He didn’t have the right to touch her. The thought
nearly made him shed a few tears of his own. They had been lovers for
months, he knew her body intimately - every curve, every spot that would
make her sigh or moan - and yet here, in the soft light of morning, he felt
that he had no right to touch her.

Good Lord, what had he done?

{ She’s alone now
She don’t know how
But she’ll find her way home
She’s home, home now }

He had never meant for this to happen. He had never meant for things to go
so far. But they had. And now things were just a mess. He was lying
keeping secrets, and why was he doing it? Why did he need to? He had Buffy
now; he didn’t need to be here, with someone else.

Oh, but he did.

Buffy was strong, and fascinating, and beautiful. But she had nothing on
the woman that he had just spent the night making love to. The woman
sleeping under his watchful eye was brilliant, and passionate, and achingly
lovely. He needed her.

And he was destroying her.

{ You don’t know now
And you see how
Much pain you made her feel
It’s real, real now }

Riley had no illusions of why she had cried herself to sleep. He knew it
was because of him. Because of what he had put her through. He remembered
the look in her eyes when he had told her he was going out with Buffy. The
sadness in them tore at his heart. And then she had prepared to go, and he
hadn’t been ready for the sharp edge of panic that ran through him at the
thought of losing her. So he had argued with her, very nearly begging her
to stay, and she had.

But at what cost to her?

{ Don’t try to hide, ‘cause she will see
Boy she’s all you’ll never be }

She was falling apart, and he could see it happening. Her eyes were so much
sadder than they had been. He could feel it happening as well. She had
always felt small and fragile in his arms, but last night he had actually
found himself thinking that she would break if he wasn’t careful with her.

And one thing he had never been was careful with her.

{ And she dreams of all the worlds
That you told her she can’t reach }

He’d used her. By being with Buffy, he had cheated on her. And she took
it. Even though it hurt her, she took it. And she never turned to anyone
else; he was fairly certain of that. It was almost as if he could cheat on
her and she would deal with it, but she wouldn’t allow herself the same
luxury. She just wasn’t that type of person. She wasn’t the type to allow
herself to be dumped on forever, either. She’d put up with what he dished
out for so long, but Riley knew that it things were coming to a close.

His time with her was running out.

{ She stood up to you that one day, ‘cause that’s her right
And that’s the way you taught your girl }

She was going to leave him. He knew it, just as sure as he knew it was
going to kill him to let her go. But he knew he had to. He had no right to
cling to her this way, no right to just pretend nothing was wrong when each
day he could see just a little more of the light going out of her eyes.

Oh, how he hated himself for being the cause of that.

{ She’s alone now
She don’t know how
But she’ll find her way home
She’s home, home now }

He wasn’t going to argue with her when she told him she was leaving him. He
couldn’t do that to her. He couldn’t allow himself to wear down her
defenses and force his way back into her life... into her bed. He hated
himself enough for what he’d allowed to occur. He didn’t want anything else
to hate himself for.

Slowly, with a hand that was shaking, Riley reached out and brushed her
silky hair from her face. He knew what he could tell her; he knew the words
he could say to make her stay. And he would mean them, too. Which was why
he had to let her go. With tears rolling down his face, Riley opened his
mouth and said the words he could never say while she was awake.

{ You don’t know now
And you see how
Much pain you made her feel
It’s real, real now
It’s real now... }

“I love you, Willow.”

The End