title: Making a Choice (1/1)

author: liz

email: darkmere@pcm.net

disclaimer: joss and co owns all but don't blame him for what i've done to his characters.

distribution: inellwillowfic, whoever wants it please ask and tell me where its going b/c i'll say yes!

rating: um... R maybe for situations? i dunno....

feedback: pretty please?

spoilers: the one where oz left and the one where faith woke up from her coma, but thats really all it spoils

notes: this is really different from my other two its w/c and partially c/f its angst-ridden but it made me feel better *g*

Making a Choice (1/1)

"You've made it perfectly clear there is no us when you moved in with Faith. We dated four months and then it started falling apart because I got scared and pushed you away and you met someone else, and I don't even remember her name. I won't say it didn't hurt at the time, I couldn't speak to you or even think about you without it feeling like a huge gaping hole was ripped into my chest because someone decided to pull my heart out. But I got over that. It doesn't bother me now at all, I probably won't forget it, but it doesn't hurt and I know you won't hurt me like that again, I know why you did what you did, and I know why I did what I did, and I don't blame you, and besides, we weren't even officially together at the time, so I probably didn't have many rights in that situation anyway. Since then it never seems to have worked out, for the longest time I had serious trust/communication issues, I still have them, but I'm willing to work on them. I've always known what I've felt for you, but you never gave me a clue about how you really felt deep down inside. I always had to fumble through it trying to live up to the standards I thought you had but never felt like letting me know what they were. But ya know what? I don't think I should have to live up to anyone's standards. I feel what I feel, I don't feel what I don't feel. I'm tired of never feeling good enough, never knowing if I was trying for something that's pointless. Believe it or not, I've talked to Spike enough that he knows our relationship better than I do sometimes. He has no clue why I still talk to you. He couldn't believe that I still wanted to be friends when you started seeing Faith, let alone moving in with her two years ago. But you couldn't just leave it at that, could you? The first six months you dated were fine, you were keeping your distance, being just a friend, I was the pitiful one that kept wanting you back and trying to convince you to give us one more chance. But something changed after that six month mark, I don't know what it was, but we starting being together and then not being together. You kept hinting that you were going to break up with her, and I of course, believed you. I thought maybe we had another chance, but then you decide to move in with her, and then keep your distance another six months, but then it changed again and we started going back and forth all over again, but it's been a year and a half since this second cycle started and I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't know how to fix things, all I seem to be able to do is bitch and whine. That won't change things, if anything it probably drives you further away. I care about you and can't imagine my life without you in it in some sort of capacity, but this situation is sooo hard for me. I want to let go and for us both to be happy, but I don't want to give up if we have a chance to be together and be happy. You know, I never understood how Anya could put up with Spike's antics, they've been dating six months and he still won't even say she's his girlfriend or that they're dating exclusively, even though they really are, is that a guy thing? Anyway, this situation is hard for me and I think it would be better if we didn't see each other anymore unless its in a public place and its an accidental meeting. A phone call or email every now and then can't hurt, but unless you do actually leave Faith and decide that you want to put me first, I can't see you. I don't know how I let things get this far. I can't play anymore, its too hard, I love you Cordelia Chase, that's not gonna change."

Cordelia dropped the letter in her lap and wiped her eyes. She knew she'd been playing the game too long. She'd grown complacent and was just letting things happen instead of doing something about her situation. She loved Faith, but it was so hard leaving her, even though she knew she should. Leaving Faith was like kicking a puppy that never did anything but love you, but she just couldn't get away from Willow. There was something about her that kept the cheerleader going back. She knew she wasn't being fair to either girl, but she didn't know what she wanted, sometimes she thought maybe she should just leave them both and be on her own. She couldn't stand the thought of not having Willow in her life. She didn't honestly think that Willow would stick to that last part about not seeing each other or keeping their distance. It had never worked in the past, and she didn't think it would work this time either.

They had tried so hard to work on their friendship. Even after all this time and all the hurt they'd caused each other, they could still depend on each other if they really needed someone to listen or even just care.

She did love Willow, she really did, it was just so hard to deal with her sometimes. She was so insecure with a lot of things, Oz's leaving didn't help her self-esteem any at all. She had a tendency to try to control things and Cordelia just didn't want to be under anyone's thumb. Willow didn't try to control Cordelia on purpose, the brunette knew that and tried to take it into consideration, but sometimes she just wanted to run faster and further away from Willow just to prove a point.

She knew she had to do something, even though Willow's incessant pushing made her want to be alone more than be with the redhead, but did she want to take that step? She would have to risk her relationship with Faith and the home they had made, to be with the girl that still held her heart. Could she and Willow make it? After five years, they still loved each other, but love hadn't been enough before. Willow honestly seemed to want to work things out and it looked like Cordelia was going to have to be the one who took that first step.

Cordelia sighed and got up from her couch. She folded the letter and envelope and placed both items in her jeans pocket. She walked over to her desk, logged on to her computer, and pulled up apartment listings. Her lease was up in two months and she wanted to move out as soon as she could. This afternoon if she could swing it. She had enough money saved so that she could pay for her half of the bills for the rest of the lease. Faith would have two months to figure out what she wanted to do. Cordelia wasn't about to leave her high and dry, she just wasn't that type of person, but things couldn't go on like they were and it wasn't like Faith couldn't afford the place on her own. She'd landed a very high paying bodyguard position with a security firm and was doing rather well.

"Thank you Miss Johnson, I'll take it." Cordelia had found out an hour later that her old apartment was still vacant. It seems that Dennis hadn't let anyone move in for any length of time in the past two years that she'd been living with Faith. The apartment people were just glad to have the place rented again and even cut her a deal for coming back.

She didn't have a lot of stuff, but wanted to have it packed and gone by the time she had to deal with Faith. It was going to be a bad scene and she wanted it to be over as quickly and cleanly as possible. Faith had a bad temper and the cheerleader was hoping that she would come out of this unscathed, but Cordelia knew that Faith had to know something was wrong. That things had been wrong since six months after they'd moved in together. Cordelia couldn't help but feel a little guilty for the time she had spent with Willow, but she couldn't seem to stop. So now it was time for her to try to be with Willow and give them the chance they deserved.

She loaded up her car and moved the first of her stuff over to her new old apartment, by the time she was finished she was ready for a shower. Dennis had taken the letters on the refridgerator to spell 'WELCOME HOME' in a smiley face pattern. She smiled and told Dennis that it was good to be home. The next sentence made her smile even bigger, 'WILLOW?' and she told Dennis what the last two years had been like. He even became visible and solid long enough to give her a brief hug. She told him that she missed him and was glad to be back home, but that she had an errand to run before she came back.

Cordelia walked into the apartment she had shared the past two years with Faith. It didn't look much different with her stuff gone. The only room that looked empty was the one she had used for her home office. She got herself a soda and sat down at the table to wait for Faith. She didn't have to wait long though.

"Hey hon, I'm home." Faith sat her keys on the table and kissed Cordelia on the cheek because the cheerleader had moved her face. "What's wrong, C?"

"Faith, we need to talk." Cordelia looked up at her girlfriend of three and a half years absently playing with her soda can tab.

"Is this about Willow?" Faith moved into the kitchen retrieving a soda of her own.

"Yes and no. I might as well come to the point, there's no easy way to say this. I love you, but not in the way that I should love you for us to continue to be living together. I've decided to move back into my old place." Cordelia jumped back in her chair as Faith sat down quickly.

"Just like that? You've decided in one afternoon just to leave? You've just turned off all the feelings I know you have in a few hours?!"

"Faith, its not like that, you know this has been building for months, years even. I don't love you like you should be loved by your lifemate. Hell, this past year you've been closer to Wesley than you have to me. I don't want to keep you from the love you deserve."

"Go. Just go. Don't expect to come back. Ever." Faith put her face in her hands and shook her head.

"Faith, I hope you don't mean that." Cordelia got up and tried to comfort her by rubbing circles on the slayer's back but Faith flinched away from her.

"Go!" she said fiercely, "before I do or say something I'll regret." Cordelia nodded and walked towards the door.

"Bye, Faithy," she whispered and closed the door behind her. She felt the loss of the slayer immediately, but knew that it was the right thing to do. She hoped that her friends would understand, at least she knew Angel would. He knew what it was like to love a person but know he couldn't love them like they needed to be loved, even if it was cry-Buffy.

She got back to her apartment and wanted to take a shower and crawl into bed but she knew she needed to call Willow first. She wanted to be with her, but she also thought she might need time alone before she saw Willow.

"Dennis, I'm home! I'm going to take a shower!" Cordelia sighed when the hot water hit her body. Showers always seemed to calm and soothe her. Willow always laughed and told her she'd be prematurely wrinkled if she kept it up. Cordelia smiled, she would call Willow tonight and invite her over.

"Willow, can you meet me at my old place?" Cordelia asked in the sweetest voice she had over the phone.

"Cordelia, I thought I made it clear that we shouldn't see each other in private?" Willow sounded slightly irritated.

"Wills, its important! Please?" Willow was floored, Cordelia actually sounded like she was almost begging. Not that she was mind you, because the Great Cordelia Chase didn't beg, but she really sounded like it was important and Willow felt her resolve slipping.

"Okay, Delia, I'll be there in a few minutes." She hung up the phone wondering what on earth possessed her to do the very thing that she said she wouldn't even though she knew the answer. She loved Cordelia, she would do anything to be with her, even put up with her indecision for more years than she wanted to count. Never mind all the ridicule and persuasion her friends tried on her to get her to leave the brunette. Willow knew that if she could hold on long enough she'd get everything she wanted out of life, and right now she wanted Cordelia. She didn't want to own her, tell her what to do, or how to live. She just wanted the opportunity to love her and be with her and be loved in return. Willow sighed. She knew she was just being a hopeless romantic and that Cordelia probably just wanted to tell her that she'd gotten her letter and that she wasn't ready to leave Faith yet. She picked up her car keys and headed towards Cordelia's old apartment.

Willow reached up to knock on the door only to have it open under her hand.

"Delia? You in here?" Willow called hesitantly. Cordelia stepped into view, she had put on the silk slip nightie that Willow had loved on her the best. It was burgundy and fell to mid-thigh with slits on either side that showed off her tanned legs perfectly.

"Cordelia, I told you that I can't do this anymore, I just can't," Willow's eyes started tearing up and Cordelia came over to her and hugged her tightly.

"No, its okay, really, I did it baby," Cordelia whispered into her ear as she tried to hold on to Willow as tightly as she could without crushing her. She knew she'd never let Willow go for as long as she lived. Once Cordelia's words registered in Willow's brain the redhead pulled back enough to look in Cordelia's eyes.

"Really?" She asked, her green eyes staring at Cordelia hopefully. Cordelia reached up and brushed the tears away from the hacker's eyes with both hands.

"Really baby, I'm all yours." Cordelia kissed the hacker gently and held on to her promising to never let her go.