Author:M. Jade
Title:Embarrassed
Summary:Riley has angst about someone, and it's not Buffy
Email:m_jade34@hotmail.com
Rating:PG
Disclaimer:Since you recogonize the characters, I guess I don't own them.
Feedback:Welcomed, but please, no flames. My feelings hurt esily
Distribution:Only if you ask
Notes:This is my own sequal to Karen U's "Ahamed."
Dedication:To Karen, for all her inspiration, feedback, beta-readinging, and
for sharing her vision. You rock!

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Riley Finn knew his life was seriously fucked. A year ago, his farm-boy
turned military man act was a simple one, and his life was set out for him.
He had known what he was doing and why he was doing it. Now all he had
known had been shot to hell in just a few short months. It had started with
Buffy, the Slayer. When he first met her, he had no idea what was coming.
Buffy and her friends had forced him to face some truths about whom he was
working for and what they were really doing at the Initiative. Not that
Riley would consider that a bad thing. He was glad he had learned about all
the experiments and what they did to the HSTs. Then there was the fact that
he had fallen in love with the belylying petite blonde. And the fact that
he had been sleeping with someone else from day one.

Riley had never meant for it to begin. He was trying to comfort a lonely
girl who seemed to need him, and the next thing he knew he was tasting her
alcohol-laced kisses. She appeared to desperately need him that night, and
like a drunken fool he gave in to her, to her need. He knew every second
that it was wrong, but Riley never could deny that lonely girl he seen that
night. In that moment, he knew he was hers. As much as he had seen in
Buffy, even then, a part of his heart belonged to the woman he made love to
that night. Riley's lover had been the one shining part of his life when he
was so confused about Buffy and what to do about the Slayer. The secret
evenings he spent with his lover were among the best of his life. She was
his companion, confidant, and friend before Buffy had given him a second
glance. For awhile, his companion was his world.

They had never planned to tell anyone about their affair from the beginning.
Their private moments and meetings were to be theirs and theirs alone.
The lovers had even managed to convince their friends that they meant
nothing to each other. Even Riley had to admit that they had put on a good
show. No one seemed to suspect what had been going on between the two. No
one had to know. That was what they had told themselves about the game they
had played, and played well. Then came Buffy.

Riley never could lie to his lover. He had told her about Buffy the moment
he started going out with the Slayer. He didn't know how she would take it,
but the poor thing's heart seemed to break with the news. Riley couldn't
blame her. He finally had a real girlfriend, one he could take to the
Bronze or the movies, one he could gab with Forrest and Graham about.
Someone he could admit his love to outside of some dingy motel room. His
companion nearly left Riley that night, but he stopped her. He gave her so
many reasons, so many excuses to stay and in the end she did. Not even
Buffy could change what they meant to each other. Truth be told, he did it
because he didn't know what to do without her.

Because Riley couldn't deny that he loved her, even if there was Buffy. A
part of him needed her to be around him. He knew he was being unfaithful
and unfair to both women, but his heart didn't care. It was the reason he
had stayed, the reason he still made love to her. Eventually, he realized
that they would be found out. He tried to be stoic about it, to say that it
would all be okay in the end, but he knew deep down in his heart that he was
wrong. He felt like absolute shit for doing this, for lying the way he did,
but Riley could not find it in his heart to give up either of the girls he
had given his heart to.

Buffy had no idea the kind of man she was dating. Riley had never thought
he could be the kind of man to treat any woman that way, but he had never
encountered a situation like the one he was in. He had found something
special and unique in both women, something he wanted to hold on to. His
morals be damned, it made no difference. He felt it so ironic that Buffy
felt like he was someone she could trust. So ironic he could choke on it.
No, he probably wasn't the man Buffy thought he was, probably not even the
man his lover thought he was, but Riley Finn couldn't change that. He
almost wished he could go back to that first night, that first kiss, but he
couldn't. He felt guilty for all that he had done. He couldn't change what
he had done, so he had to find so way to live with it. So far, he hadn't
had much success. He couldn't change what both women meant to him.

She was lying next to him in the bed now, crying. She apparently thought he
was asleep, but he could hear her quiet sobs overtake her. It nearly made
his tormented heart break. Riley knew she was ready to leave him. Ready to
face the truth and the consequences of their actions, ready to end the
charade and tell Buffy. Part of him would argue with her and try to
convince her to stay, to keep up their charade, but he knew a losing battle
when he saw one. Riley began to cry as he looked over to the now sleeping
form of the woman who would leave him. He silently cried himself to sleep
staring at Willow Rosenberg, not wanting to face what possibilities the next
morning would bring.