TITLE: Don't Love Me
AUTHOR: Amanda Arlequin
EMAIL: aca203@is8.nyu.edu
DISTRIBUTION: Just ask- those who already have TOE may have this if they want.
SPOILERS: None
RATING: PG
CATEGORY: angst/songfic
SUMMARY: This is a short song fic (yeah, I'm obsessed with them, I know).
The story is set alittle bit in the future but not that far. The story is of
Willow and Angel's last moments together but her death.
DISCLAIMER: It all belongs to the mighty God that is Joss Whedon and the WB
and Mutant Enemy. The song used in this part is "No Me Ames" and it belongs
to Jennifer Lopez and Marc Antony and all those corporate people. I borrow
it only for the powers of good :)
FEEDBACK: yes please, I live off the feedback high. All would be greatly
appreciated.
NOTE: This story was totally inspired by this song and the music video,
which to me is one of the most beautiful songs ever. I cried the first time
I heard it while watching the video, and it never fails to bring tears to my
eyes. But anyway, I've included a rough translation of the song (both the
spanish and english lyrics). I'm only half Spanish and not that great at
translating so, although I understand the song, my translation is a direct
one and I can only hope I captured the feeling behind the song with the
English lyrics. You really need to hear the spanish lyrics to truly
appreciate it, but hopefully some of the emotion comes across.


**Dime porque lloras
(MA: tell me why you're crying)
De felicidad
(JL: of happiness)
Y porque te ahogas
(MA: and why you drown)
Por la soledad
(JL: for loneliness)
Di porque me tomas
(MA: why do you choose me)
Fuerte asi, mis manos
(MA: so strong, my hands)
Y tus pensamientos
(MA: and your thoughts)
Te van llevando
(MA: will always be with me)
Yo te querio tanto
(JL: I want you so much)
Y porque sera
(MA: and because I am)
Loco testarudo
(JL: crazy, stubborn)
No lo dudes mas
(JL: don't doubt it anymore)
Aunque en el futuro
(JL: though in the future)
Haya un muro enorme
(JL: there will be an enormous wall)
Yo no tengo miedo
(JL: I am not scared)
Quiero enamorarme
(JL: I want to fall in love with you)**

The young girl's head was turned towards the small window, her eyes fixed
on some distant point beyond the trees that flocked all sides of the
building. With some distant part of her mind she noted the faint rise and
fall of the mechanical beeping as the machines flanking her on all sides
registered her body's heart beat. When the tears started to rain down her
cheeks, the sound became more frantic, responding to her excited state.
Though the result was a fierce pain that radiated throughout all her veins,
she couldn't control the sobs that began to wrack her small body. Every
movement hurt but there was nothing she could do to stop it. Muffling her
cries, she shut her eyes and watched helplessly as the darkness was invaded
by bright white spots that reflected her body's torment.

He stood at her bedside, frozen in ineffectuality as her body was ravaged
by the disease coursing through her system, destroying her from the inside
out. Nobody but him realized the very real physicality of her pain. For
the others it was a visual torture as they watched what she went through,
never knowing the true extent of her pain. He was cursed with the enhanced
senses of his kind that allowed him to share in her body's pain. Every
time her muscles screamed out in agony, he knew. Every time the pain
exploded in her stomach, opening itself up like a fist within her before
radiating to every inch of her, he could feel it. The disease was a living
entity to him. He could sense the festering within her, the attrition of
her body's tissues and organs. The blood, shockingly bright against the
standard white of her bed's sheets, pooled between her legs with every
implosion of pain. The smell overrode everything else, tearing him apart.

Of all of them he should have been the one to understand. He had lived
long enough to know that this was the way the world worked. He'd seen
death, been it's messenger countless times. he knew exactly what it did to
a person. But this wasn't the sort of death he was experienced with. He
was used to the quick, striking down of life- not the kind that took its
time and ravaged the body and spirit of those cursed to bare it. The one
that drew out the pain like the final note of a violinist's song. The
specter of her death hovered in the air, sucking the room and it's
occupants of their vitality. He fought to control the rage that was
threatening to swallow him. This was death without recourse and there was
nothing he, the one who had championed death, could do about it. His price
for immortality was not the guilt of the lives he had taken, but to watch
as the one he loved like no other suffered while he could do nothing to
stop it.

He wanted to tear the room apart- to rip the light fixtures from the walls
and fling the huge television out the window, shattering the glass as he
did. To destroy everything he could, as if that would somehow revenge her
own destruction. He controlled his urges, reaching for the tight ball of
her fist instead. Prying apart the fingers, he covered the frail bones
with their thin covering of skin between his own, strong, healthy fingers.
When she squeezed his hand, trying to conduct some of her own pain into him
he didn't try to stop her or tell her that it wasn't necessary, he was
already suffering along with her. He marveled at the pallid tint of her
skin. She'd always been pale, an angel fastened from gilt and porcelain,
but now she was positively translucent. He could make out the thin network
of veins beneath every inch of her skin, which in places hung from her body
like outstretched cotton. To think that just 4 months ago this girl had
been so vibrant and alive, healthy as all girls her age were meant to be.
Four months ago they had their whole lives ahead of them, with nothing left
standing in the way of their being together. They'd defeated the odds and
found each other; found a love that was unequaled in any of their past
relationships. Neither of them had any of idea the cruel twist of fate
destiny had planned for them.


**No me ames, porque pienses
(MA: don't love me because you think)
Que parezco diferente
(MA: that I am different)
Tu no pienses ques es lo justo
(JL: you don't think that is fair)
Ver pasar el tiempo juntos
(JL: to see time spent together)
No me ames, que comprendo
(MA: don't love me, I understand)
La mentira que seria
(MA: the lie that it would be)
Si tu amor merezco
(JL: If I didn't deserve your love)
No me ames, mas que otra dia
(JL: don't love me anymore, more than another day)
No me ames, porque estoy perdido
(MA: don't love me, because I am lost)
Porque cambie el mundo, porques es el destino
(MA: because I changed the world, because it is destiny)
Porque no se puede, somos un espejo
(MA: because it's not possible, we are a mirror)
Y tu asi serias lo que yo de me reflejo
(MA: and you would be my reflection)
No me ames, para estar muriendo
(JL: don't love me, because I am dying)
Dentro de una guerra llena de arrepentimientos
(JL: within a war of regrets)
No me ames, para estar en tierra, quiero alzar el vuelvo
(JL: don't love me, for worldly reasons, I want to sore)
Con tu gran amor por el azul del cielo
(JL: with your great love of the blue sky)**

"Angel." He immediately shook himself out of his reverie at the sound of
her voice, one that sounded weak even to his own enhanced hearing. He
carefully wiped the tears from his eyes. She needed him to be strong for
her, not indulging in his own pity. He would have an eternity after she
was gone to deal with his own pain.

"Don't try to speak, baby. We've said all we need to already." He made a
move to caress her cheek but stopped himself, afraid he would hurt her.
She turned her head towards him, the rate of her breathing increasing as
she struggled to speak. Her eyes locked on to his and he felt that
familiar twisting he got whenever he stared into those crystalline green
pools, only now there was a haunted look in there depths, the brightness
dimmed by the murky cloud of her pain.

He tightened his grip on her hand, forgetting momentarily how sensitized
her body was to every touch. When she winced in pain, the look shot
straight through to his heart. Before he could apologize, she spoke,
forcing her words around the tubes in her mouth. "I tried to tell you."

"Tell me what, baby?"

For awhile he didn't think she was going to answer, her chest rising and
falling with each struggling breath. He didn't press her, and when she did
speak he had to strain to hear her, her already hoarse voice softened
further by the tears constricting her throat. "I told you not to love me."


**No se que decirte, esa la verdad
(MA: I don't know what to tell you, this is the truth)
Si la gente quiere, sabe lastimar
(MA: if people want to know, how to show compassion)
Tu y yo partiremos, ellos no se mueven
(JL: you and I split, they don't move)
Pero en este cielo sola no me dejes
(JL: but in this lonely sky, don't leave me)
No me dejes, no me dejes
(MA: don't leave me, don't leave me)
No me eschuches, si te digo "no me ames"
(MA: don't listen to me, if I tell you not to love me)
No me dejes, no desarmes
(JL: don't leave me, don't disarm)
Mi corazon con ese "no me ames"
(JL: my heart with that you don't love me)
No me ames, to lo ruego
(MA: don't love me, that I beg you)
Mi amargura dejame
(MA: my grief leaves me)
Sabes bien, que no puedo
(JL: you know well, that I can't)
Que es inutil, que siempre te amare
(JL: that it is useless, that I will always love you)**

Angel couldn't stop the tears from falling as the words escaped her lips
on a breath of air. "God, no, I couldn't help it. I couldn't help but
love you, Willow. And I don't regret it. I'm grateful for the time we had
together. I wouldn't trade it for anything." He wanted to embrace her,
crushing her small body to his in attempt to make his body a conduit for
the depth of his love for her. He couldn't let her die thinking he
regreted what they shared.

"But, I'm hurting you, and I never wanted to do that. You've been hurt so
much in your life. I don't want to be another weight you carry around with
you."

If the emotions running through his body hadn't been such agony he might
have smiled. Even when facing death, Willow always thought about others
before herself. Her selflessness only served to remind him just how much
he was going to miss her when she was gone. "Willow, I wish you could know
how much loving you and being loved by you has meant to me. I only began
to live again when I found you. You've canged my life in so many ways,
nothing I could do would even begin to repay all of that. The weight of
our love is one I will always be happy to shoulder. The joy you bring me
overshadows all the hurt."

He wasn't sure if his words were getting through to her because she
continued to cry. Panic overwhelmed him as he smelled the fresh gush of
blood escape her body and he knew that this was it. His next words would
be the last she would ever hear. He wished he could think of the proper
thing to say, but all that came to him was the truth of his emotions.
"I'll always love you, Willow. One day we will be together, I swear.
Until then, I will carry you with me in my heart. I will never let you go,
baby. Never."

The sides of her lips curled ever so slightly in the beginnings of a
smile. With her last, labored breath she whispered the words he already
knew but still had the power to affect him, running straight through to his
bones. "I love you, my Angel." Even as the words were uttered, her breath
was stolen by the coughing fit that overtook her. Knowing this was the
end, and wanting to fight against it with all his immortal strength, Angel
rushed forward, oblivious to the wires and tubes invading so many parts of
her body. He needed to hold her, to feel her one last time. He wrapped
his arms around her and felt the final shudders of her body as they exhaled
the air that it would no longer need. As she went still a cry born from
his soul erupted out of his lips. He wailed against the dying of her
bright light, the world already considerably darker without her in it. He
brushed the limp strands of her hair away, his eyes drawn to her face,
peaceful finally after all those months of pain. Never before had she
looked so young, so angelic. If only the cost of that peace hadn't been
death. If only his love had been able to save her.

The others rushed into the room at the sound of his cry. When they saw
the cause of his breakdown, their tears began to flow. They held back,
leaving him with his grief and instead took comfort in each other's arms.
But he payed them no mind- those who had been her dear friends, his
friends. The world disappeared around him, leaving only the dark void of
his grief and the frail body he clung to like a preserver. He was afraid
if he let go he would never be able to find his way out of the darkness
threatening to engulf him. Though he'd had months to prepare for this
inevitable day, it was so much worse than he had ever imagined it could be.
The only thing keeping him from walking out into the daylight was the
promise he'd made to her. She wanted him to live, and so it would be,
though life without her he didn't even want to begin to contemplate, not
even as it stared right at him, inescapable.


**No me ames, pues te hare sufrir
(MA: don't love me, since I made you suffer)
Con este corazon que se ileno de mil inviernos
(MA: with this heart that is filled with a thousand winters)
No me ames para asi olvidarte de tus dias grises
(JL: don't love me, to forget your grey days)
Quiero que me ames solo por amarme
(JL: I want you to love me just to love me)
No me ames, tu y yo volaremos
(MA: don't love me, you and I will fly)
Uno con el otro y seguiremos siempre juntos
(MA: one with the other and we will always be together)
Este amor es como el sol que sale tras de la tormenta
(JL: this love is like the sun that comes out from behind the torment>)
Com dos cometas en la misma estela
(JL: like two comets in the same star)
No me ames
(MA: don't love me)
No me ames
(JL: don't love me)
No me ames
(MA: don't love me)**

He held on to her until the doctors and nurses rushed into the room. They
pulled him away, speaking nonsensical phrases that his brain refused to
process. He placed a chaste kiss on her lips, recoiling at the taste of
her blood staining the perfect petals. He stepped back and let the doctors
surround her, working to revive her though they all knew it was too late.
He turned his back on it. It meant nothing to him. Without a backward
glance he left them there. He was alone now, as it was probably always
meant to be. He needed time, though how much he couldn't imagine, but he
would take it. Alone he would deal with the loss of her until he could
look back on their love without the pain and torment it now produced. One
day he would remember her and smile, until the day they could be together
again.

The End.