Title: Beware the Four Platipi of the Apocalypse
Author: Charity A.K.A. BOB1
Disclaimer: Joss owns all! Please don't sue!
Rating: pg
Distribution: Take it! It's yours! (doubt anyone would want it, but feel free)
Summary: The platipi are haunting me! + an Apocalypse! Told from different POV's

XANDER
It was a normal day in Sunnydale. The vampires were nestled all snug in their beds. So far, no nasty Hellmouthy creatures had shown up. But it was only 8 a.m. and who knew what the rest of the day would bring. He was sitting outside of Sunnydale High School waiting for his best friend Willow to show up. She was running late, again. It was a nasty habit that she had picked up when she had started that twisted love triangle thing with deadboy and deadboy jr. She was always up all night doing horrible nasty dirty things with *them*, when she should have been doing nasty dirty things with him! It just wasn't fair! After all, she was his first. And to top it off they were vampires. It was bad enough when she had abandoned him for wolfboy, but for TWO vampires. Life just couldn't get any worse!

Then he got sucked into Hell.

SATAN
This is supposed to be my son? How did my life go so wrong? I mean, I'm the devil! The master of pure evil! You'd think the boy would at least have some style! Oh well, have to work with what I've got. "WELCOME, MY SON. IT IS NOW TIME TO FULFILL YOUR DESTINY." The boy is giving me the stupidest look possible. I've seen more intelligent looking sheep! His mother was supposed to be a hyena, I'm wondering if there wasn't some kind of mistake and she was an amoebae instead.
"Who are you? Where is this place? What destiny? Is it going to make me late for school? Because, if it is I can't do it. I've already been late too many times. If Snyder catches me being late again-"
"YOU ARE MY SON! YOU WILL DO AS YOU ARE TOLD! AND IF SNYDER CATCHES YOU THEN YOU CAN TURN HIM INTO A FROG!"
"Oh no, frogs are bad. If Will ever caught me turning people into frogs, she'd kill me!"
"IF THIS 'WILL' GETS IN YOUR WAY YOU CAN ANNIHILATE HER!"
"I couldn't do that! I love Willow! She's my best friend!"
Satan was really starting to get annoyed at this point. "FINE! BE THAT WAY! DON'T ANNIHILATE HER! JUST LOCK HER AWAY SOMEWHERE! WHAT DO I CARE? I MEAN, I'M ONLY YOUR FATHER AND THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS! IT'S NOT LIKE WHAT I WANT MATTERS ANYWAY! BUT IT WON'T MATTER IN THE LONG RUN AFTER THE APOCALYPSE COMES!"
"The acapawhat? And I couldn't lock her up! The deadboys would come and make a meal out of me if I took her away from them! And must you shout?"
I'm supposed to use *this* to end the world?!?!? God must hate me a lot more than I thought he did! "THE APOCALYPSE. THE END OF THE WORLD. THE FOUR HORSEMEN, DEATH FAMINE WAR AND PESTILENCE, RIDE AGAIN. THE FINAL BATTLE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL. AND WHO ARE THE DEADBOYS, EXACTLY?"
"Well, the acrapolipse doesn't really sound like my thing, I mean Willow would kill me if I ended the world. Even more than with the frog thing. And the deadboys are the two vampires that she's, and I use the term loosely, dating."
Finally, some good news! This girl that my so-called son is whipped by must be evil. Two vampires! I bet she'd be a remarkable asset if I can get her away from the vampires and into a relationship with the boy. And from the way he talks, he would be more than willing to be with this girl. Now all I have to do is get the idea of the end of the world and his own powers through his thick skull. "THE APOCALYPSE IS YOUR THING! IT IS THE VERY REASON OF YOUR EXISTENCE! YOU HAVE NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER! THE TIME IS NEIGH! AND YOU HAVE THE POWERS OF HELL, YOU CAN GET RID OF THE VAMPIRES AND MAKE THE GIRL YOURS."
"Really, cool! How?"

Satan then proceeded to fill him in on the end of the world and his own powers. It was a task that he thought would take about twenty minutes. It took him six and a half hours.


XANDER
Wow! My father is the prince of darkness! And all this time I thought he was an accountant! Hey! If he's a prince, that makes me the son of a prince, which would make me... a prince I guess! That has got to put me ahead of the evil bloodsucking fiends! Now I just have to find her and tell her. There's no way she could resist a prince. I wonder if I get a crown?

He got up and went to find Willow

WILLOW
Xander wasn't in school today, I hope he's alright. I should stop by his house and check on him. Maybe he's sick. But it's getting dark and I'm supposed to meet Angel and Spike in a few minutes. I don't want them to worry. But if I don't check on Xander, I'll worry all night. I know, I'll meet up with the guys, and then we can all check up on Xander. Maybe they'll get along better if they show him that they were worried too.

XANDER
Where is she? I've looked everywhere! Oh wait, there she is. With the deadboys. Joy. Hey, I've got powers now and I'm a prince! I'll take care of *them*. And then it'll just be me and Will just like it's supposed to be.

THIRD PERSON
He called out to her "Hey, Will." She and her little entourage walked over to where Xander was standing, in the middle of the street. He grabbed her arm and tried to pull her away from the vampires.
"You don't belong with them. You belong with me. You've always belonged with me."
The vampires decided to step in at this point. Angel grabbed Xander and Spike began to lead Willow away from them. It had to be that way, because if Spike had grabbed Xander, then Xander would be suffering from a broken neck and the platipi would never make an appearance.
Xander said "Let me go deadboy! Or I'll turn you into something horrible!" Angel just ignored him. "Okay, you asked for it!" He then used his newfound powers. There was a horrible squelching noise and then.....

XANDER
Wow! I did that! Deadboy's not so pretty anymore! What is he? He looks like a cross between a duck and a dog! This is so cool! Look at him! He looks completely ridiculous! There's no way she can love him now! I win!

WILLOW
Oh! Poor Angel! Wait, why did he do that? HOW did he do that? How do I fix it?
"How could you? Look what you did to him!" Xander collapsed into a fit of laughter!
"My poor Angel! How do I fix this? Can I fix this? Do I need to house-break him? And I bet you need special permits to keep a duckbilled platipus. And special food. And shots." This is all Xander's fault. I'm gonna kill him!

ANGEL
"quacky type platipus noise" (do platipi make noise?)

THIRD PERSON
Angel, realizing that he normally didn't make quacky type platipus noises, quickly took stock of the situation and his own now freaky appearance. He figured out right off the bat, who was to blame for this indignity and launched his oddly shaped body at Xander. He then, using his bill, pecked the shit out of the boy. Xander started crying like a girl and promised to fix everything if Willow and Spike would just get Angel off of him. Spike reluctantly (he was enjoying both the show and the thought of not having to share Willow anymore) pulled Angel off of Xander. Xander quickly changed Angel back then ran like hell. He vowed never to try to bring off the Apocalypse again. About two miles down the road, he was stopped by four freaky looking guys on horseback who invited him to join in all the fun of total world annihilation. He turned them all into platipi and then turned himself into one, so as not to be forced to end the world ever again.
The four platipi of the Apocalypse and the son of Satan platipus were all taken to the Sunnydale Zoo, where through a mistake in paperwork, the son of Satan platipus was caged with the hyenas, who enjoyed the meal very much.
Willow, Spike, and Angel lived happily ever after and never ever went to the zoo.
Satan sat in Hell and thought to himself, It could have been worse.
THE END
For those of you needing an explanation at this point:
For some reason, over the past two days, I have been chased by platipi and the apocalypse. They seem to be everywhere. Books, TV, even in other people's fanfic. This is an attempt to get them out of my head and into someone else's.