WestFiction- "I Need to Be Next to You" by Toni

“No guys! No! Even though it’s his birthday, you still can’t see him!” I said back at them. “He’s in Glasgow right now so we can’t just go and see him.”

I was carrying my youngest, Matt, 3 years old. He looked at me, puzzled, “Mommy, who’s Daddy? I heard my classmates say that their daddy does this and that but I don’t know who he is. Mommy, do I have a daddy?” he asked with sad eyes. He resembles so much of him. The hazel green eyes, the thin, kissable lips and the killer smile. They never had a chance to see each other. We, Mel, Josh, Jamie and myself, left for Oregon when Matt was still in my tummy. I divorced him 3 years ago. I got fed up of the rumors, the press people and their fans interfering with our private lives. We rarely see each other in a year. I’m fed up of carrying the load alone.

“Yes, honey, you all have a Daddy,” I said wiping some tears away from his eyes. “He’s just…not here with us because he has…work…yeah he has some work to do.” I tried to get the easy way out.

“But why didn’t he visit us? Does he love us? I never knew him, Mommy! I want to see him,” he jumped down from me and ran up to his room crying followed by his other brother and sisters, also crying.

I plopped down on the couch near me. I started crying. I don’t want to be too hard on the children. It’s just that…that…I’m fed up of what he’s doing to us. We only see him in concert, on tour, in a TV show, MTV, awards night, press con, and a talk show. We only talk to him on the phone if he calls which was just once a month, E-mail, Christmas, on the phone on special occasions and just whenever he’s home. We never get much time to recreate ourselves as a big family. Whenever it’s our birthdays, he’s away, touring; he just calls us and sends us his gifts. But when it’s his, oh God! We even go and visit him wherever he is. In Stockholm, Leeds, Philippines, Oz, America, anywhere! But eventually, we get left out on everything. He doesn’t talk to us at all, just in the hotel; doesn’t even kiss his children goodbye when we’re going back home. And I know he was having one night stands and denies it when I’m asking about it. I can't sustain it anymore! If I don’t do something, he’ll never change. So on the next rumor that I’ve heard; I filed a divorce case. We won even though I know, he knows, and the children know that the rumor wasn’t true at all. On the weekend after the court appearance, I forced myself and the kids to go back to Florida. I was 6 months pregnant of Matt back then. The all cried when I almost dragged them to the airport without saying goodbye to their Dad. Since then, I killed myself everyday when I see them cry, when they look for their Dad and find that he’s not there. He tried to reach us but I never answer a single call he makes. Every E-mail, no reply. He never writes a snail mail to us. But he still sends us little gifts on our birthdays.

My kids probably don’t know this but I know they call him on his birthday. I never tried to call him but sometimes I want to. Heck! I really want to! Every time I try, I get cold feet. I’m scared that he doesn’t want to hear from me anymore after what I’ve done to him. All my friends ask me if I still love him…no. But, I know I still do…I do. I never removed our wedding ring from my finger. Our anniversary has been always a special day for me to just be alone and reflect and contemplate and to collect my past. Every time I hear a Westlife song, especially ‘Close’, I just burst into tears. Because…I remember the best times we spent way back from our childhood until our separation. Oh if only I had the guts to tell him that I’m really sorry and I…I…still love him.

I saw my daughter’s cellular phone lying on the couch. I took it and put it on ‘Write Messages’ screen. “Well, I hope you get this, love,” I whispered to myself. I started typing. “Hi! Long time no hear. I just want to say happy birthday and God bless!” --Danielle-- ps: I’m sorry and I love you still, Shane…”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Right here with you is right where I belong

I lose my mind if I don’t see you

Without you there is nothing in this life

That would make life worth living for

I can't bear the thought of you not there

I can't fight what I feel anymore…

“Hi Daddy! I missed you!” little Michelle, 7 said to her father, Mark Feehily.

“Oh I missed you, too, sweetheart,” he answered.

“Daddy! We’re so glad you’re back home!” twins Annaleise and Angela McFadden, 10 sang as they hugged their daddy, Bryan.

“I’m so glad to see you, babes,” he said kissing them on their cheeks.

“Hello Papa! We’re very happy that you can play with us now,” Stephanie, 5 and Graham, 3 shouted as they dragged Kian to their Mom.

“Me too, guys! Did Mama give you the teddies I sent?” he asked as he carried Graham.

“Dad! I missed you so very. Very much! Dad, Olivia’s born already!” Martin, 4 sang as he danced to meet his father, Nicky.

“Oh really? Where is she? I missed you, too little Byrne,” he said walking towards Georgina and the little baby in his arms.

We just arrived from the long 1-year tour. Yesterday was my birthday. As you can see, I have no one to meet here in the airport…just my family…my Mum, my Dad and my siblings. I just sat in the VIP room looking at the screaming fans because it really hurts me to look at their happy families. I miss them so much. Danielle, my wife…or shall I say ex-wife, Melanie, 8, my eldest daughter, Josh, 6, my eldest son, Jamie, 4, my second girl…my family. And, little Matt, how could I forget? Danny and I got separated when she was 6 months pregnant with him. Now, he’s 3 years old.

3 years ago, we got separated because of a big lie…a big mistake…a fucking rumor about me and this fan. They say I got her pregnant. Fuck! The only woman that I got pregnant was Danielle. She’s my wife! The next week after the news broke, she filed a divorce case against me and I lost. Our children decided to live with her and they went back to her parents and live there…far away from me. I begged and I begged, our children cried and resisted but Danny had made up her mind to go and start a new life. I think she’s married to another man now. But I do hope not…I know that she still loves me…

“Shane, don’t feel so bad,” Bryan said as he sat by my side. “We’re always here to help you. We’re your extended family.”

“Yeah, Shay,” Kian said. “We’re here for you. You’re one of us. And besides, we know that they miss you as much as you miss them.”

“Kian’s right!” Nicky added. “They’re your family. They’re a part of your life.”

“Shane, why don’t you write to them?” Mark suggested. “I know they’re dying to hear from you. C’mon, mate, go on!”

“Yes, Markie’s right,” Bryan said. “It won’t hurt. You’ll see, in no time, you will feel better. Just wait for their reply.” The other guys excused themselves because they got to go. Bryan stayed. “Mate, I know how you feel. Karen and I got separated, too, 2 years ago. But I kept my faith and I believed that she still loves me. Then, I gathered my witts and wrote her and told her what I felt. And then, she told me, too what she felt and in no time, we got re-married!”

I thought for a few moments and said, “Thanks, mate! I’ll try.” I saw my family waiting for me outside. “Bryan, I think I’d better go! Thanks for the advice! See ya!”

“No problem, Shane! Anytime, bye! And good luck!” he said patting my shoulder.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Good night, Shane! Good luck on what you’re planning to do,” my Mum bid as I entered my own room at home…in Sligo. I haven’t been here for about 1-½ years. The pictures on the wall are all mine with MY family. I just can't look at the smiles of my children…I could almost hear them laugh…I can't bear to gaze at my gorgeous wife…I could almost hear her say, “I love you, Shane!” I sat down on my desk, the desk where I used to write a ton of songs for Danny and the kids. I took out my usual paper and black pen and thought of what to say. Actually, I don’t know! I don’t know what to say. But I heard someone say, “Go for it, Shane! You can do it!” So, like Bryan, I gathered my witts and started…

Dearest Danielle,

Hi! It’s me, Shane. I hope you’re all right. It’s been 3 years since I last saw you and the kids. By the way, how are they? Three years of loneliness in my hotel room, no one to talk to and no one to say ‘I love you’ to; three years of silence in our ol’ house in Dublin, lacking of their laughs and cries. It’s been so different since you’ve gone out of my life.

Well, I’ve written you not to say goodbye forever, but to just reminisce some special things for the both of us. I wanna start from the day we first met. Remember when I saw you playing at the swings in the park beside the daycare center? You were having trouble swinging yourself up so I helped push you. I really thought you were cute with those brown long curly pigtails in red large ribbons and the pink ‘clan of the duck’ dress you wear everyday. You had a small squeaky voice back then. We had so much fun playing until your Mum called you for home.

~~~Flashback~~~

“Here let me help you,” I said in my high voice. And I pushed her.

“Wee! Thanks very much! This is fun!” she said as she held on the chains of the swing.

“By the way, I’m Shane! What’s your name?” I asked.

“Danielle! I just live next door to the daycare center. How about you?” she asked and she was swinging her pigtails.

“I live in Castle St. Carlton Café’s ours,” I answered sitting on the rock beside her.

“Oh really? We love to eat there!” she ceased herself to a stop. “Do you go to daycare too?”

“Yes, I do. Maybe we could see each other or play here tomorrow.”

“Okay!” then she heard her Mum call her. “Shane, I have to go. Nice meeting you! See you tomorrow! Slan!” and she danced her way to her Mum. Shortly after, my Dad arrived and took me home.

~~~End of Flashback~~~

I never thought you’d be the one I’ve been looking for all my life. We became bestfriends until 6^th grade. When I told you I have a crush on you and I kinda stole a kiss from you. I thought I really blew it but I found out that you have a crush on me too.

~~~Flashback~~~

“Danny, can I ask you something?” I asked taking her hand.

“Anything Shane. What is it?” she said squeezing my hand and smiling at me.

“Well…what would you do if I tell you have a crush on you?” I asked with all my guts.

“What? Crush on me?” she almost screamed turning red. “What are you talking about?”

“Well, please don’t be shocked or run away. I…have…a crush o-on you since we met at the swings back when we were just little tykes.”

She took it very calmly. She stopped walking and said, “Shane, I feel the same. I just didn’t have enough courage to tell you because…you know me…I’m Ms. Scaredy Cat.” She smiled at me.

“Danny…” I said as I lean over to her.

“Yes Shane…” she closed her eyes knowing what’s coming next. Our lips touched for about 5 seconds and she pulled away. She ran home almost in tears.

I sighed and whispered, “That’s it! She hates you then.”

~~~End of Flashback~~~

We didn’t talked to each other for about a month after that. I felt very lonely without a sight of you or just one sound of your sweet voice. I often have absents within that month, remember? I just hung around with Jasper and Carlton Flight. I never talked to anybody, to Mark, to Kian, even my siblings and my parents. Just to my horses. Then Yvonne rang you about how I was acting. One day, you surprised me when I was in the stables, talking to them.

~~~Flashback~~~

“You know what Jasper,” I said to the horse, “I miss her so much. I think she’s IT I’m looking for. But I think she’s mad at me after what I did last 3 weeks ago. I think you took her to a little tour around the estate with me a year ago. Remember her?” he neighed.

Before I could continue, a voice said, “I take that as a yes, Jasper.” Looked behind me and saw Danielle, more beautiful than ever before in high-cut boots, short skirt and a sleeveless top.

“Hi Danny!” I said softly. She sat beside me on the bench.

“Hi Shane!” she answered. “Hey! Why the sad voice and the beet red face? I came here to…um…say sorry for the rude thing I did. I know I’m the reason why you don’t attend school everyday. I’m really sorry.” She kissed my cheek.

I blushed a little bit more and said as I held her hand holding my face to her, “No, no! It’s not your fault. If I hadn’t kissed you on the first place, you wouldn’t just take off like that.” I gazed at her and continued, “I’M sorry. But I still have a crush on you, though.” We laughed.

~~~End of Flashback~~~

Since then, I never missed a school day just to see you. When you’re the one absent, I would always check if you were okay. I kept my ‘secret’ love for you deep inside of me…away from anybody…everybody. I’ve always admired the way you looked, your moves, and your amazing voice. High school I transferred to Summerhill. You transferred to the exclusive girl school a block away. But still we kept our friendship, our communication…my love for you.

You were my inspiration why I decided to take one of the lead characters in ‘Grease’. I saw you there, smiling, singing with us, liking every second of the play. But I thought you were looking at me all throughout. You were also looking at Mark who took the lead role opposite me, Vince.

The next week after that, I knew that there was something going on between Mark and you. I let it pass by because I thought I was the one you laid your eyes on. But years had gone by I still heard the rumours. Then, JS Prom came. We were Seniors and Mark was a Junior. I took you out. That’s when we kissed properly. Oh! I could never forget that. Then just before we were leaving, I saw you and Mark, kissing behind our favourite willow tree. It hurt me so much! I loved you and only you. But you didn’t.

~~~Flashback~~~

“How dare you, bastard,” I shouted as I punched Mark on the cheek. “How dare you steal her away from me?”

“Shane, what are you talking about?” he said as he got up and shielded his face.

“Shane, Mark, stop it,” Danny shouted as she pulled my shoulder. “Oh please stop it! I’m sorry!”

I shrugged her off causing her to fall down on the grassy ground. I turned back to Mark not knowing I hurt her. This time he was fighting back. Kian and Ross tried to pull us apart. Danny got back on her feet.

She got a strong grip on my and almost pricked my arm with her long fingernails. I yelped and tried to get her off. She said, “Shane no! Guys stop it!” Ross let go of Mark and he walked away with a slight bruise. She turned me to face her with her tear shot and glaring eyes. “Shane! Why did you do that? What’s the matter?”

I looked back at her. I cradled her face into my hands and thumbed away her tears. “You asked me what’s the matter?” I said softly. She nodded. “I love you, Danielle.” Then I kissed her softly. She pulled away.

“Shane, why? Why do you have to involve Mark into this?” she cried softly. The crowd had subsided already. “Mark and I were just friends. I was just giving him a good night kiss. Shane, I know you love me and I love you too. But you still don’t have full control on me. I can still love someone else. I’m very sorry.” Then she went on home.

~~~End of Fashback~~~

You avoided me all through that summer. You always hangout with Mark until you became his girlfriend. I never stopped crying myself to sleep every night. I regret that day I’ve been very harsh on you. I must admit I am wrong. You were not my possession.

On your 17^th birthday, I heard that you didn’t plan a party and you and Mark broke up. I called your brother, Tom, and he said you’re very devastated and sad. Because of that, you said harsh words to Mark and he broke up with you. So I decided to drop by your house about 7:00 PM. Your parents didn’t know I was coming. But they let me in and said you were crying in your bedroom. That’s when I gave you the first emblem of my love.

~~~Flashback~~~

I knocked on Danny’s door. She shouted, “Come in”. I can hear the pain in her voice.

I slowly entered and sat by her side. She buried her head on her pillow. She doesn’t know I’m there. I said, “Hi Danny! Happy Birthday!”

She looked up and a faint smile formed on her cherry lips. “Thank you, Shane!” she said softly trying to sound happy. “What are you doing here this time of night?” She sat up wiping away her tears with the blanket.

“No, no. Please, let me do it,” I offered. I cradled her face on my right hand and wiped her tears with my handkerchief. “Here, I want to give you this,” I said as I handed her a box of milk chocolate and a bouquet of roses. “I heard what happened. I’m sorry about that.”

“Thanks Shane! Actually, it’s all my fault. Mark has nothing to with it,” she said looking at me. “We had a fight because he wanted us to get out of Ireland for my birthday. I don’t want to leave today.” She stopped a bit. “Shane, I don’t want to leave Ireland without you anytime. Actually, I’m crying because I thought you wouldn’t even greet me for my birthday. Shane, I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Hey! What are friends for?” I said. I have to say something to her. But I don’t have to guts to. “Say, Danny?” I whispered. I noticed her disappointment when I said, “friends”.

“Yes Shane?” she answered. “Friends?”

I thoughts so. “No, Danielle.” I pulled out a sparkling ring out of my pocket. I took her hand and slipped it on her. “More than that,” we kissed.

~~~End of Flashback~~~

Three years after that, I told you that I’ll be a part of Westlife. We wrote songs together day and night. You were there in every UK tour we launch, in every awards night we attend to, and in every after-show party. When we launched ‘Coast to Coast’, I asked you to marry me. So long I’ve waited to hear your sweet yes. Everyone who was there kept their word to keep it from the media. We kept it a big secret until we married a year and a half after that. Then we found that you were 1 month pregnant with Melanie even before we married. We were so ecstatic about having her. All our fans sent some baby toys for her. They were so supportive.

Her birth was not in our schedule. We were in Scotland doing a concert.

~~~Flashback~~~

“Shane,” she screamed. “I think it’s time! Take me to the hospital quick!”

The lads and I didn’t know what to do. Good thing Ronan and Yvonne were there. We took her to the hospital and she gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl that I have ever seen. That was May 8, 2001. The lads and the management were very happy for us. We named our baby Melanie Katrina Jayne. I can't stop shedding tears of sheer joy.

~~~End of Flashback~~~

Two years after Melanie, we had Joshua Leinard Paul. I felt very complete and very happy. I was very proud of you. But sadly, we were on our world tour when you gave birth. I never called a day complete without calling you or hearing our children’s voices. I tried to get back home in advance in time for his 1^st birthday. All 4 of us were very happy as one. I surprised him with a small bicycle. I gave Mel a huge teddy bear. Does she still give him a kiss before she goes to sleep? She told me last year that she kisses him because he reminds her of me.

March 3…God gave us Jamie Roxanne Nicole. We were excited as always. She’s our first baby that we showed in public whilst she’s still an infant. I often play with her and her big walking doll Bryan and Karen gave her. She would play wedding with the Ken and Barbie set Mark and his brothers gave her. But before she could celebrate her 1^st birthday, that f**king rumour started.

The Sun stated that I got a fan pregnant. Heck! That’s so not true. You were the one that I got pregnant. Matthew Alexander, right? A week after that, you filed a divorce case against me. I was clueless. I thought you knew that the rumour wasn’t true. I hope you now know. You won the case and you guys decided to leave. I didn’t want you to go. I love you and the kids. But I can't do anything about it. You left me without even seeing Matt. I was very worried for you. I love you so much to let you slip away. But we’re divorced and that’s it!

I heard from Josh one day that Matt was already born, yet, prematurely. I tried to contact you but you won’t answer my E-mails and my calls and my texts. Then I also heard that you changed your surnames back to Holmes. That’s okay since I have no connection to you now. But I’m upset that I really lost a part of my family. I lost a big part of my whole life… you, Melanie, Josh, Jamie, and little Matt. I haven’t seen him yet…I think. I know that he doesn’t know me at all.

Danny, if you just give me one single chance to make it up to you, would you like to be my lady again? I never loved you less. You mean the world to me. The kids are my life. Every time they cry I feel like breaking down; every time they laugh, I’m in heaven. Danielle, I want you again. I’m still yours if you still want me. I’m here when you need me. All you got to do is to call me anytime! I long for the sound of your voice, your laugh, your everything! Honey, I love you forever. I need to be next to you…

I guess this is it. If you do not reply, that’s fine, I understand. I just want to wish you the best of everything and God bless. Please send my love to Matt and the others. Goodbye, my love and I’ll never forget you…

With love forever,

Shane Steven Filan

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I finished and enveloped the letter. I sealed it with a kiss…literally. I really want to return her trust on me. As I was slipping under the covers, my cell rang. It said, “1 message received”. I pushed the menu button 2 times fast. I didn’t see the sender’s name. The message was, ““Hi! Long time no hear. I just want to say happy birthday and God bless!” --Danielle-- ps: I’m sorry and I love you still, Shane…” My mind popped back awake. I saw the name that I’ve been longing to see for years…’Danielle’. I thought she wasn’t going to call me ever again. But here’s her message! Just arrived! I was so teary to answer. I closed my cell and sat up on the bed. I felt so happy seeing that she still cares. She still loves me! Yeah, I love you, too, Daniella Kristine Holmes-Filan. Music to my ears! Then I slept with a smile on my face.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I need to be next to you, oh

I need to share every breath with you, oh

I need to know I can see you smile each morning

Look into your eyes each night for the rest of my life

Here with you, near with you oh I

I need to be next to you…

The children are already sleeping. But I can still hear Matt crying. I entered his room and sat by his side. “Hi there, Capt. Righteous!” I said as I lifted the covers.

He popped his head up. He smiled at me and rubbed his eyes. “Oh hi, Mom! Sorry to wake you up,” he said as he sat up.

“Aw… why the long face honey?”

“Nothing, Ma. It’s just…just daddy,” he said tucking close to me and looked sad.

“Matt, come here with Mommy,” I said picking him up and carrying him to a couch downstairs in the living room. I found an open photo album lying on the coffee table. I picked it up and showed it to him. “Matt, you HAVE a daddy. He’s just not here living with us anymore.”

“But why? He does love us,” he said looking at the pictures.

“Because, honey, we…um…separated before you were born.”

“Mommy, I can't understand.” I thought that he really couldn’t understand that cos he’s just 3 years old. “Where is he here in this picture?” he pointed to the picture of the lads on the cover of their 1^st album.

“Here he is, son,” I said pointing to Shane. “He’s your daddy, Shane Steven Filan.”

He looked at him and smiled. A small teardrop escaped his hazel green eyes. He looked at me and said, “Mom, I want to hear his voice! At least if I meet him someday, I know.” He hugged me and he cried.

I sat him on the armrest of the sofa and put on the ‘Coast to Coast’ album on a discman. I put the earphones on his ears and played. “…You give me strength, you give me hope, you give me someone to love, someone to hold…” Matt’s tears flowed uncontrollably. He stopped the player and hugged me, “Mommy, you know what? I kinda heard this somewhere. I don’t know. All I can remember was I was in day care with Mrs. Hall. She took us to the playground in the park. Then I saw 5 tall men sitting on a bench near the jungle gym where I was playing Colin and Liam. They were singing this song. And then Colin shouted to them, “Hey! You guys are great!” They came over to us and talked for a while. A guy with brown hair and eyes picked me up and told me, “You’re cute! What’s your name?” So I told him, “I’m Matt!” The he just froze there and looked at me then he put me down. But before they left, he kissed me on the cheek. I really don’t know who he is, Mom. I don’t know why he kissed he on the cheek, either.”

I looked at him in amazement. Could that guy be Shane? If so, why didn’t he visit me? He knows the address. I asked Matt, “Honey, what did you feel when he picked you up?”

“I felt…different. I mean, Uncle Perry and our neighbours carry me but they feel all the same. When he carried me, I felt like you were carrying me, Mom. I felt like he’s one our family. Mom, I’m confused. Can he be my daddy?” he asked me with his eyes shining and he’s shaking.

“Maybe so, baby. Maybe,” I answered as I carried him upstairs. I tucked him in and he slept. I went to my own room. I changed my clothes and went on to slumber.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Shane, son wake up,” I heard my Dad call me. “Son, it’s already 9:45 in the morning. The horses are calling you!”

“Yes, Dad! I’m up, I’m awake!” I said as I stood up and stretched. I wasn’t groggy at all. I was perked up and ready to face the day and mail my letter to my family. Before I took a shower and went down, I opened my cell and once again read the message. Oh Danielle! I love you to bits! I looked around my room to see their smiling faces. They look so happy! Oh I hope they are right now.

I went down and had breakfast. Then I headed to the stables. I saw my brother, Liam, tending to them. He invited me over and we had a little chat. He said, “Shay, I’m sorry to bring this up again but, do you want to see your family?”

“Of course! Especially Matt! But the strange thing is, I think I saw him already,” I answered. “It’s like this, we were in the last leg of our North American tour, Florida. The lads and I were practising some songs for our concert in a park near the hotel when we saw some pre-schoolers playing nearby. They praised us and we came over to them. Bryan carried the little girl, Mark carried the little boy and I carried another cute little lad. I don’t know why I feel so close to him. I feel like he’s my son or something. He kinda looks like me with hazel green eyes, brown hair and clef chin. So I asked him what his name was. He said it was Matt! Matt is the name of my 3-year-old boy. I gazed at him and his resembles that of Danny’s. From that day on, I never forgot him, his voice, his face still etched on my head. I feel like he’s him!”

“Well, bro, I heard from Mum that you wrote a letter to them,” he asked. “You mailed it yet?”

“No, not yet,” I answered. “Maybe this afternoon. Oh I hope they reply. Any kind of reply, E-mail, snail mail or just a phone call.”

We continued talking about some other subjects until our Dad called us for our chores. I got the lawn. As I pulled the lawn mower out, I saw the mailman. I called him and asked him to mail the letter to them. I paid him and before he went on with his work, he asked for the usual autograph for his little girl. With that finished, I perked up the engine and went on in the lawn. I piled up the dried leaves and the grass I cut. I remembered the times we use to spend every autumn. Josh used to shower Jamie with dried leaves and she would fight back with wet grass balls. Melanie used to shake the maple trees clean from dried leaves and they would fall over Danny and I. Then we would invite some of their friends over, say Michelle and Graham, to play with them. Then Danny would serve some lemonade and cookies. Oh the memories of the once happy and perfect family we had. I just hope that they’ll read the letter and reply…

I need to love you heart next to mine

For all time

Hold you for all my life…

I heard the doorbell rang. I was with the kids in Matt’s ‘laboratory’. “I’ll get it!” Melanie said standing up. She rushed to the front door. The mailman stood there.

“Good morning, ma’am!” he greeted warmly. “Ms. Daniella Kristine Holmes?”

Before Melanie could take the letter, I rushed to her side and told her to keep her brothers and sister busy. “Yes? I’m Daniella Holmes.” I said with a smile. I wasn’t expecting any letter from anybody.

“Yes, ma’am,” he handed the letter to me. “From Mr. Shane Steven Filan in Ireland.” And then he left.

Oh my goodness! A letter from…from… SHANE! I went back to the kids and sat beside Matt. He cradled his head on my lap and asked me to read the letter to them. Melanie looked over my shoulder and gasped.

“Oh my God! It’s from Daddy!” she shouted.

Jamie ran and knelt in front of me and said, “Oh please, Mom! Read it to us!”

Josh jumped up from his seat in front of the hamster. He ran to me and begged, “Pleeeeeeaaaaassssse!!! It’s from Daddy!!!”

Matt kept quiet and looked at me with Shane’s innocent stare. That’s enough to make me read the letter. I whispered to him, “It’s from Daddy!” and he smiled. I slowly opened the envelope and took out a familiar piece of yellow paper. I slowly read the message with tears welling up in my eyes. At the middle of the letter, all of them started to cry except Matt. I could remember how WE used to be from the day we met until 3 years ago.

“…Danny, if you just give me one single chance to make it up to you, would you like to be my lady again?” shocked, I continued. “…I never loved you less. You mean the world to me. The kids are my life…” I know they were. “…Every time they cry I feel like breaking down; every time they laugh, I’m in heaven…” oh my God! “…Danielle, I want you again. I’m still yours if you still want me. I’m here when you need me. All you got to do is to call me anytime! I long for the sound of your voice, your laugh, your everything! Honey, I love you forever. I need to be next to you…” oh how can I be so cold! I love you Shane! I do!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Westlife’s Anniversary this Sunday! Everyone is invited to the biggest party ever!” the banner in Louis’s room said. This Sunday will be Westlife day. And he said we could bring our families. Yeah, right. But the party’s in Stockholm, my family, Mum and Dad, can't go. So I figured, I have to all by myself. The other lads will take their wives and kids, the Keatings will be there too and so as the other best pals from BMG. Yeah, just me…alone…without anybody. I just hope they know it and just call me…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I put the kids to bed. All of them were teary-eyed from the letter we got this morning. Melanie even E-mailed Shane before going to bed. I plan to pen him back after I think of something to say and stop emoting. I opened my palm pilot and looked at the dates ahead. Oh! This Sunday is Westlife Anniversary! Maybe I’ll set aside the penning back, and plan something much better…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Hey, Shane! What’s up? I haven’t seen you in ages!” my pal Leonard greeted. He’d been my classmate since high school.

“Fine, mate! Have fun tonight!” I greeted back. I wasn’t very happy at all because every midnight, we, the lads, and our families have a little chat or singsong. But I’m alone; just me, without anyone else to be with. I think it’s just a dream for me to see Danny and the kids here.

Midnight, okay, time to go. I stood behind the chairs near the door whilst I stare in envy as the lads laugh with their wives and kids. We used to be the happiest family. But now, they’re far away and I’m here…not even at home…away from the memories of my whole life.

As tears began to flow down my cheeks, I heard a female voice ask, “What are you doing here all alone, Shane?”

Because of emoting, I didn’t recognise the voice. I just said, “Oh nothing! I just…” Wait a minute! I stopped and looked over my shoulder. There stood my gorgeous Danielle and my wonderful kids.

“Hi Shane! Long time no see,” she said. She smiled and we kissed. My angels waved at me. I knelt to them and kissed them and we hugged. I was crying my eyes out and I couldn’t help myself from squeezing them.

“Oh Daddy! We missed you so much! We love you so very much!” they all said. I was pre-occupied with Melanie, Josh and Jamie when a small voice popped behind me.

“Daddy?” he said softly. I turned towards him and saw the little kid we met 6 months ago. I smiled at him and felt like I saw myself back when I was 3 years old. “Daddy! It’s me, Matt!”

He jumped to my arms and started crying. “Matt! Oh my goodness! Baby…” I was speechless. I took him in my arms and wiped his tears away. I looked at Danny and she was crying too. I took her in my arms and whispered, “I love you Danielle…”

She pulled back and said with a smile, “What are we waiting for? We’re a family, are we? So we must be with the guys!”

“Of course we are!” I said. They all smiled. We neared the guys and they smiled. “Guys, wait for us! And by the way, this is my 3-year-old, Matt.” He waved.

The party went on until 6 in the morning. Nobody was weary and no one slept. I got to know Matt more. He’ll be school age next year and he’s so talented! I can't believe that I have missed giving this wonderful child fatherly love for all these years. Now, I’m here to pay-off my debt.

“Danny,” I asked her beside me in the car, “Are you staying or are you going back after today?”

She said, “We brought some stuff that would last us for about 2 weeks. Why do you ask?” Her eyes sparkled. The kids were sound asleep at the back seats.

I took her hand. I said, “Because, I…” c’mon Shane! “I want us to be a family again. You, me, the kids, us! Danny, I love you.” I kissed her. I rubbed her hand with my thumb and bumped on something. I looked down and saw our wedding ring, the simple gold band that served as the symbol of our love. “Danny,” I said, “you…you kept it?”

She smiled. “Yes, Shay, it’s too important to me to keep in a box. Taking it off means throwing you away, my love. I love you!” she said as she dried my tears.

I pulled to the hotel we were staying. The kids woke up and said they felt well and no need for proper sleep. We checked-in extra adjoining rooms and I chatted a wee bit with the kids in my, or shall I say, our room. “So,” I started, “how are you guys?”

“Dad! I was 1^st honour from Kindergarten until 2^nd grade!” Melanie said with a lively voice. “And, I was the Most Talented and the Most Active girl in our batch!” I was very happy to hear that because I really didn’t heard about it. I missed out completely!

Then Josh popped, “I was the Most Talented and the Most Courteous in my class!”

Jamie sang, “Um… I was Most Creative and the Best Dancer in my day-care class!” Then she danced around with her long curly hair bouncing around her.

Matt, who was in my arms looked at me with a kind of sad face. “Um, Daddy,” he murmured. “I don’t have anything to say. I’m just a little baby.” Then fat tears started forming in his hazel green eyes.

I held him close. “You don’t have to say anything, Matt,” I said. “I know where you’re good at! You’re good at building sandcastles! I saw you with your friends making one!” he smiled and hugged me. I looked at all of them. “Guys, you’re all special to me. You’re my life. Without you, I’m nothing. Just like the years that passed.” I paused.

Jamie ran to me and protested, “No, Dad! You’re our daddy! You’re not nothing!” the others nodded.

“Yeah!” Josh seconded. “And besides, you give us presents every year! And that means so much to us especially to Mommy!”

“Huh? To Danny?” I asked.

Before they could answer, Danny entered the room. Immediately, they transferred to the other room for us to talk alone. She sat beside me on the bed. “Yes, Shane. I do treasure your gifts to us, to me! They’re more than just gifts.” She kissed me and I pulled her closer to hear my heart. She played with my chain bracelet. “Shane, I’m sorry. I feel so low. Sometimes I think that you don’t want me anymore. After what I did to our marriage, I can't show a face to you. It’s like being in cased in concrete forever without you. I…” she cried on my chest.

“Shush, babe,” I comforted. “You don’t have to be sorry about anything. Please, don’t blame yourself. I have some faults too. We share the blame actually,” I joked. “But seriously, sweetheart, I love you. You’re my all! I’m expecting that something like that would happen because the fan gave some phony pictures. But I’m not expecting to lose you. For the day you went away, I world became so empty. I felt like I fell into a bottomless pit and then shattered into million pieces. But now, you’re here with the kids, I came back to myself. All’s okay now. But,” I paused. Shane, go on! You’ve done this before; do it again! I pulled out a diamond ring out of my pocket and took her hand. “Would it be better if we start a new life?” I whispered as I slid the ring around her middle finger.

She looked at me in disbelief. She looked at the ring and said, “Oh Shane! I love you so much!” We kissed. Then Matt knocked on the door. Danny said, “C’mon in baby! The door’s open.”

He went inside and sat on the bedside swinging his little legs. He held a small box in his hands. I carried him and seated him between the two of us. He was chewing his lower lip maybe to keep it from trembling. He peeped in his small sweet voice, “Dad, I would like to give you this as a belated happy birthday present. It’s not much but I hope you’ll like it.” Then he handed the neatly wrapped box to me.

I took it from his little hands and opened it. Inside was a beautiful terra cotta wind chime adorned with feathers, beads, buttons and written in coloured green glue, “I love you, Daddy *** love, Matt.” Then he told me to see if it’s okay.

“So, you like it?” he said with his eyes sparkling. “I did that with a little help from Mommy!”

I took it out and smiled at him. I was the most beautiful gift that I have ever received. “Oh Matt, I love it! Thank you so much! I love you, baby,” and I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

He laughed a little and said, “You hang that on your window so every time you hear it chime, you remember me!” He pulled another thing out of his pocket. “And oh, I like you to have this too!” he handed me a laminated cardboard key chain with the chorus of ‘Close’ written on the black side with a gold pen. On the other side was his picture. “Dad, put that in your wallet so you could see me every time you miss me. Melanie wrote the lyrics on there. They’re my favourite!” Oh I know why!

I smiled at him and the others entered and joined in. We started to tickle each other. Danny and I fell on the floor laughing. I sat up and stopped them. I announced that we’re getting married again. “Guys, before you continue, I like to tell you that Mommy and I are getting married again! We’ll be a family!”

“Yeah!” Danny said. “This time, no more tears of loneliness, guys. It’s forever this time, right Shane?”

“Yes, baby!”

I need to be next to you…

“Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Filan!” there were clapping and cheering. Here we are in front of the altar once again saying our vows. I turned to kiss my gorgeous bride. Danny’s 1 month pregnant with our 5^th child we planned to name Amber.

“I love you Shane Filan,” she whispered.

“And I love YOU Daniella Filan,” I whispered back. Matt then rushed up to us and we all posed for a family picture. Then all of our family. Then all our friends, the lads with Bryan as my best man; without him, I can't do this from the start; our childhood friends, our kids’ classmates and family and more, fit into one panoramic shot.

I told Danny, “From now on, nothing will tear us apart…”

“Yes, babe,” she said. “’Til death do us part…”

(Shane Steven Filan)

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