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[PG13]

A PIECE OF MY HEART

by Susan

Light began to filter through as dawn slowly broke. Shane rolled over in bed and looked at the clock. It ws 6am. He sighed and got out of bed, careful not to wake Nicky who was asleep in the other bed. He went out into the living room of the apartment the lads shared when in Dublin. He sat on the couch and flicked through a magazine. Throwing it aside he sighed again. He was tired. They were recording their second album, ‘Coast to Coast’ and it was almost done.

Shane had a problem. He had feelings for one of his bandmates. No, not feelings, he thought, I love him.

It had started during their Asian tour. Over the last few weeks he had found it increasingly difficult to stop himself from blurting out his secret.

The tour had finished and they all went off on holiday. They had met up again at a record company party. Shane’s breath had caught in his throat. The object of his attentions had looked tanned and fit. His long, slim body was toned and honey-coloured. His skin-head hair cut had grown back and was now flicked up at the front. His huge, beautiful blue eyes had sparkled with health.

Yes, Shane was in love with Mark.

Shane remembered yesterday when Mark had come into Shane and Nicky’s room. He had been clad in only a small towel and his skin glistened with droplets of water.

“Hey Shay” Mark said “I can’t find my deodorant. Can I borrow yours?”

Shane had swallowed hard,

“Er, yeah, sure, go ahead” he had stammered.

He had wanted to run his fingers through Mark’s wet hair. He forced himself to look away as Mark scratched his chest. The hair there was soft and springy.

“Thanks mate” Mark said “Bryan borrowed mine yesterday and I think he used it all up.”

Shane nodded, pretending to study his lyric sheet. He wanted Mark to go away but he wanted him to stay too.

“No problem” he said.

Mark had left then and Shane had stared at Mark’s muscled back. He gripped his hands together and sighed deeply. He knew Mark was completely straight. He simply adored girls. He didn’t know how much longer he could go on like this.

Shane crept back to bed. He tried to sleep but images of Mark kept popping up in his head.

Things worsened at the studio.

They were recording ‘Angels Wings’ and Shane was alone in the studio with Mark. The others would be in later to record the harmonies. Shane was running through his part in the sound booth. He was aware of Mark watching him through the glass. He felt himself go hot as he made eye contact. Mark smiled and Shane thought he would faint. He muddled up the lyrics and stopped singing.

“Shane ya deutz” Mark said over the intercom.”That’s my bit!”

Shane blushed.

“Sorry” he mumbled “I guess I’m not really with it today.”

He came out of the booth and into the studio.

“I need a coffee” he said.

Mark touched him on the shoulder and he felt his legs go weak.

“Are you alright?” Mark asked. “You seem a bit edgy?”

“I’m fine!” Shane snapped “So I messed up, it’s not the end of the world you know!”

Mark stepped back, shocked by Shane’s reaction.

Shane saw the hurt in Mark’s eyes and instantly felt guilty. He hadn’t meant to sound so harsh but not being able to say anything about his feelings was taking it’s toll on his nerves.

“Mark, I’m sorry” he said “I didn’t mean to yell at you. I didn’t sleep very well last night. I’m really sorry.”

Mark was relieved. He thought he had done something to upset Shane. He had been acting really weirdly around him lately.

“It’s o.k.” he said “Shall I go in now?”

Shane nodded and Mark went into the booth. Shane sat down and closed his eyes as the music began. Mark’s voice washed over him. Shane knew that he himself had a really good voice but Mark’s was awesome. Mark could sing anything, high or low, and he could alter the sound of it to suit the song. Nothing ever phased him. He just opened his mouth and sang until it was right. Even now he was going over and over the final high note until he was satisfied with it.

Shane dozed off.

Mark finished singing and came out of the booth. He stood looking at his friend. He noticed the dark circles under Shane’s eyes and he was a bit pale. Something was bothering him.

Leaving him to sleep Mark went to get his lunch.

10 minutes later Shane came into the small studio kitchen.

“Hey sleepyhead” Mark said grinning.

Shane smiled.

“I hope you’ve left me some food” he said.

Mark got up.

“I made you a sandwich” he said pointing to the counter.

He started rummaging in the fridge.

“What are you looking for?” Shane asked tucking into his sandwich.

“I don’t really know” frowned Mark “I fancy some chocolate but I can’t find any.”

Shane laughed.

“You won’t find any in there” he said “It’s all ‘healthy’ stuff.”

Mark straightened up.

“You’re right” he said looking at his watch. “I’ve got 10 minutes, I’ll pop to the sweetshop next door. Do you want anything?”

Only you, thought Shane opening his mouth to speak.

“Erm, no thanks” he said quickly.

Mark grabbed his jacket and left.

Shane sighed and pushed his half-eaten sandwich away. Nice one Filan! He thought. You almost blew it there! He returned to the studio.

5 minutes later, John, the sound engineer came in.

“Did you hear that bang?” he said “A car just crashed through the window of the shop next door. The driver lost control apparently.”

Shane went cold. Oh God No! he thought. He stood up shakily.

“Is Mark back?” he said.

John took one look at Shane’s face and realised something was wrong.

“What is it?” he asked fearfully.

Shane swallowed hard.

“Mark went to the sweetshop” he said looking at John with tears in his eyes.

“Come on” said John grabbing his arm “Let’s go. We’ll probably bump into him coming back.”

2 minutes later they were standing outside the shop. There was no sign of Mark. A car was embedded in what was left of the shop front. The emergency services were inside. John went and spoke to a policeman and Shane saw him nod his head and disappear inside.

“He’s going to find out if Mark’s in there” John said.

The policeman came out and beckoned them over.

“He’s in there” he said “He’s trapped under some shelving. The paramedics asked if you would come in?”

Shane couldn’t speak. He was so scared. He managed to nod and followed him inside, afraid of what he would find.

It was fairly dark in the shop. The counter had been completely destroyed and there was a blanket draped over what Shane assumed was the body of the shopkeeper. The car driver was being cut free.

The policeman stopped and Shane saw Mark. He was laying on his back surrounded by chocolate bars. His legs were caught underneath the remains of the shelves. He was conscious. One of the paramedics spoke to Shane.

“Just keep him talking while we get this stuff off him” he said “We don’t want him to go into shock.”

Shane nodded and knelt down beside Mark.

Mark turned his head and looked at Shane. Shane gasped. Mark’s head was bleeding from a cut above his temple. The paramedic handed him some gauze and he carefully held it over the wound.

Mark flinched slightly and Shane grabbed his hand.

“Shay?” Mark said.

“It’s o.k. Marky” Shane said “I’m right here. You’re going to be just fine.”

Mark smiled weakly.

“I guess I got more chocolate than I wanted!” he said.

Shane wanted to cry.

“Trust you, ya deutz” he said “You can’t even go to the sweetshop without getting into trouble!”

Pain flashed across Mark’s face as the paramedics continued to uncover his legs.

“Shay?” he said breathlessly “It hurts.”

Tears slipped down Shane’s cheeks.

“I know Mark” he said “But they’ll have you out in a minute.”

Mark’s eyes started to close.

“Mark!” yelled Shane “Come on mate, stay with me. You’ve still got that high note to get, remember?”

Mark looked at him through slitted eyes.

“I did get it” he whispered. “You were asleep.”

His eyes closed and Shane began to sob.

“Please Mark” he cried “Don’t leave me.”

He leant in close to Mark.

“I love you” he whispered.

One of the paramedics touched his arm.

“We can move him now” he said.

Shane stood up and watched as they carefully lifted Mark onto the stretcher. His legs were covered in blood.

“Are you coming with him?” the man said.

Shane could only nod and he followed them out to the ambulance.

John was still there.

“I’ve called the others” he said “They will meet you at the hospital.”

“Thanks John” Shane said as he got in.

The doors closed and the ambulance sped off.

Shane was ushered into the waiting room. He sat on the couch and put his head in his hands. He began to cry again.

The door opened and the others came in.

“Shane?” said Nicky sitting beside him. “How is he?”

Shane looked at them and they were shocked at the state he was in.

“I don’t know” he said sniffing. “He was unconscious when we got here. It’s his legs.”

Slowly he told them what had happened.

Kian stood up.

“I’m going to find the doctor” he said.

“I’ll come with you” Bryan said and they left the room.

“Are you alright Shane?” said Nicky.

Shane nodded.

“Yeah” he said.

Nicky took a deep breath.

“He’ll be o.k.” he said. “I know what you’re going through. I remember when Georgina was rushed to hospital with appendicitis.It was really scary.”

Shane’s head shot up.

“What?” he said “What are you talking about?”

Nicky took Shane’s hand.

“I know you love him” he said simply.

Shane paled.

“Don’t be stupid” he said “I’m just worried, that’s all.”

Nicky smiled.

“You never could lie to me Shane” he said “I’ve seen the way you look at him. How you are around him. I share a room with you remember. I hear you muttering in your sleep.”

Shane crumpled into Nicky’s arms.

“Oh God Nix” he said “It’s true, I do love him, so much it’s killing me to see him hurt.”

Nicky’s own tears fell. He had wanted to talk about this with Shane for a while now but he hadn’t known how to approach the subject.

Bryan and Kian came in and looked questioningly at Nicky.

“It’s a bit of delayed shock” he said and Shane looked gratefully at him.

“What did you find out?” he said.

“The doctor’s just coming” Kian said sitting down.

Shane wiped his eyes as the doctor came in.

“Well” said the doctor “Mark has been extremely lucky. He has a cut head and both his legs are badly gashed and bruised but nothing is broken. He has lost a fair bit of blood and has quite a few stitches but he should make a full recovery.

Nicky smiled at Shane.

“Can we see him?” asked Bryan.

“He is obviously badly shocked and needs to rest” said the doctor “Perhaps just one of you?”

Nicky stood up and pulled Shane to his feet.

“You go Shane “ he said.

Shane swallowed nervously and followed the doctor out.

2 minutes later he was standing in the doorway of Mark’s room. He felt awful. He didn’t know how Mark would react to him. Had he heard Shane’s ‘declaration’ and if he had would he realise that it wasn’t just brotherly love? Shane was scared.He knew Mark wasn’t gay, why had he said it. Mark would probably hit him or worse, ignore him. Had he ruined everything? Shane wanted to run.

“Shane?”

Shane looked over at the bed. Mark was awake and looking at him with a frown on his face. He hurried over.

“Why were you just standing there?” Mark asked.

Shane blushed.

“I, er, I wasn’t sure if you were awake or not” he lied.

Mark looked at him.

“You’ve been crying” he said.

“Aren’t I allowed to be worried about you?” Shane said.

“Oh” said Mark not entirely convinced.

Shane sat down.

“So” he said “The doctor says you’ll be fine.”

Mark nodded and then put a hand to his head.

“Ouch!” he said

“Are you o.k?” Shane said concerned.

“Yeah, just a bit sore” Mark said

Silence fell.

“Um, Shane?” Mark began “Um, about earlier, I, well, I heard what you said.”

Shane’s heart seemed to stop beating. He looked at Mark. His cheeks were very red despite his face being so pale.

“What about it?” he said casually.

Mark shifted about in the bed, gasping as the movement caused his legs to throb.

“Mark!” said Shane “Lie still!”

Mark looked at Shane with tears in his eyes.

“You said you loved me Shane” he whispered.

“Er, yes, I did” Shane said

Mark took a deep breath.

“I know that you meant it as in ‘really loved me’” he said.

Shane’s stomach turned over.

“You do?” he said

Mark nodded, carefully this time.

“How?” Shane whispered.

“Little things” Mark replied “I guessed really.Lots of things make sense now.”

Shane lowered his head.

“Oh” he said.

“Shane please look at me” Mark said.

Shane looked up.

“I don’t know what to say, except that I’m flattered” Mark continued “But, I don’t love you, well, I do, but I, oh God Shane, I like girls and I…”

Shane stood up.

“It’s alright Mark” he said “I know you do. I understand. You probably hate me right now so I’ll just go.”

“No Shane, please” Mark said trying to grab his arm.

Pain flared through his legs and he fell back against the pillows trying not to pass out.

Shane was mortified.

“It’s alright Marky “ he said gently stroking Mark’s forehead. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Mark opened his eyes slowly.

“No Shane “ he said “I hurt you. I’m really sorry. I do love you, but as a brother. Please believe me. I could never hate you. I am so sorry.”

He began to cry.

Shane held him and they cried together.

Finally they both calmed down. Shane handed Mark a tissue and watched as he wiped his eyes.

“I wish I was a girl” he said wistfully.

Mark laughed.

“Yeah” he said “Although the hairy chest wouldn’t be a good look!”

They laughed together.

“This won’t change anything between us will it?” asked Mark seriously.

Shane shook his head.

“No Mark” he said “Although I should be asking you that. I know I can look but I can’t touch.”

Mark smiled.

“You’ll find someone much better than me” he said

Shane nodded

“I know” he said

“Oi!”Mark said pretending to be offended.

Shane laughed.

“Ya deutz!” he said.

Mark yawned loudly.

“Get some sleep Mark” said Shane “I’ll come back later with the others.”

“Do the others know?” Mark said “You know, about…?”

“Only Nicky” Shane said and Mark sighed.

“I wish it could be different Shay” he said “But….”

“Stop it Mark” Shane said.”I knew from the start that you weren’t gay. I should never have told you how I felt.”

“No, I’m glad you did” Mark said. “Anyway, at least now I can understand why you’ve been acting weird lately!”

“Go to sleep” Shane said.

“O.k” Mark mumbled already half-way to his dreams.

Shane smiled and turned to go.

“Shane?” Mark called. “Could you bring me some chocolate when you come?”

Shane laughed out loud.

“Haven’t you had enough of chocolate for one day?” he said.

“Please” Mark begged “I didn’t actually get to eat any of it.”

“Alright, alright” Shane said “I’ll bring you some. Now go to sleep!”

Mark drifted off and Shane stood watching him for a while. He knew it wouldn’t be easy but he would find someone else. He had to. He just thanked God that Mark didn’t hate him. He couldn’t have coped with that.

Mark would always have a special place in his heart, he couldn’t change that.

He reached out and gently ran his finger down Mark’s soft cheek.

“If only” he whispered.

Sighing deeply he left the room, leaving a piece of his heart behind.

THE END

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