WestFiction- "If You Love Something" by Mary

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If You Love Something...> chapters 49-50

Mark watched as a nurse injected a drug into Samantha. Truthfully that syringe looked nasty and he felt a little queasy.

“Don’t worry,” said the nurse, “You’ll be sleeping within half a minute.” Mark tightened his fingers around hers, “Hey.” Samantha looked up at him, the drug was beginning to take effect, “Everything will be alright.” She just nodded drowsily. “I love you,” he said, but he wasn’t sure that it registered to her.

They were preparing to take her to the Operation Theater. Mark knew there was nothing to be worried about, but he couldn’t help it. He just wanted this over and done with so things can go back to normal. To a nurse, he said, “Keep her safe okay?” The nurse, with the name tag ‘Elaine’ gave him a nod.

When they wheeled her away, Mark sank into a chair and leaned back. He has never felt this helpless in his entire life. After a long time, he looked up, to find Ashley staring at him with a frown.

“What?”

“Let me guess,” Ashley began, “you’re just waiting for this to be over so you can put this behind you?”

“Yeah,” he replied slowly, surprised with her accurateness.

“I hate to break this to you, but this will never be over,” Ashley revealed.

“It won’t? How come?”

She sighed and mumbled, “You men have so much to learn!” Making herself comfortable on a chair, she began, “This is basic human behavior for a woman. This is never going to be over, at least not to her. She’s going to live with this for the rest of her life. And be reminded of it everyday. She’s going to feel a little ‘imperfect’, no women can bear the thought that they are not capable of having children. And not only that, there’ll even come a point she’ll blame herself for this.”

“But it’s not her fault,” he said a little confused.

“That’s where you come in,” she revealed, “Mark, you’re a man.”

“Gee…I never knew.” Ignoring his sarcasm, she continued, “Look, it’s men’s nature to make things right, to fix things. This is one thing you can’t do anything, you can’t make this all okay. And if you can’t do anything, it’s men’s nature to put it behind them. Do you see something clashing now?” Mark nodded, he wanted this to be over and things back to normal and things won’t be normal for Samantha.

“Just as it is not her fault, it’s not your fault for not making it right. I’ll bet you’re even feeling a little inadequate by not being able to do anything…You may think this is not enough, but all you can do is be supportive.”

“It’s hard to do that when she keeps pushing me away,” Mark said.

“What do you mean?”

“The past few days was a little maddening. She was jumpy and jittery all the time. She didn’t talk much, didn’t eat much. One moment she’s engrossed in work the next she’s silently crying in the bathroom and she never gave the chance to reach out,” Mark informed her.

“That’s what you should expect after the surgery not before. You know, I would say that she was nervous of the surgery,” Ashley said deep in thought, “but I don’t think so. She knew this was a simple procedure. And she was positive that she’ll come through…Do you know why?”

“I wish I knew,” he yawned. Ashley’s phone beeped, interrupting their talk, “I have to go,” she said after reading the message, “I’ll come tomorrow. In the mean time, why don’t you get some rest.”

~ ~ ~

Mark was just about to doze off when the nurse wheeled in Samantha into the room. The nurse told him that she should come to around eight tomorrow morning. Glancing at his watch he muttered, “Ten more hours to go.” He watched as they hooked up the monitors and necessary equipment. At least it was far more less than this evening when they allowed him to see her after the surgery. He sent a silent prayer of thanks for keeping her safe. Now it was just recovery. Ashley’s words rang through his mind.

He stepped into the lobby to make a quick call. Joshua picked up before the second ring, “Mark?”

“Yeah,” he confirmed.

“Well?” he asked anxiously.

“She came out from surgery three hours ago—“

“And you call me now?” Joshua burst out, taking a deep breath, “Sorry, didn’t mean to go off on you like that. I’m just worried. How’s she?”

“She’s still under anesthetics, the nurse says it should wear off a little tomorrow morning.” Mark informed him. The line was silent for sometime until Joshua broke it, “What about you?”

“I’ll be okay if Sam’s okay,” Mark replied with a heavy heart, “I have to go now, I’ll keep you posted.”

“Alright,” Joshua said, “I know you’ll take good care of Sam, but don’t forget to take care of yourself.”

“Bye,” with that Mark disconnected his cell.

He sat beside Samantha and watched her sleep. He called up his mum, when Samantha was in surgery and told her all about it. She tried to explain, but she said it’s something only another women could understand. She advised him to always be supportive, give her space when she needs, and always be attentive. Samantha needs to know that she is still loved, especially by him. And his mum told him sternly not to expect her to get over it anytime soon, especially not after the fact she went through it alone since the beginning.

And that’s what troubled him. It troubled him that she hadn’t told him about this earlier, when she found out in the first place. Why didn’t she just come to him? Why did she go through that time alone? He can only partially imagine what she’s going through. He’d be lying to say he wasn’t angry and hurt to keep it from him. And he’s feeling guilty because he can’t right something beyond his power. But Mark had been there for her since the moment she told him, only this time, she pushed away from him a little. Did he do something wrong?

He held her hand and began rubbing her knuckles, like she did to him. He sang softly, one of the songs she was working on. It was a beautiful song, but his competitor, Daniel was going to record it.

“You’re ruining my song.”

“Sam?” he asked in surprise. It was merely a mumble in her sleep.

“I’m so sorry,” she mumbled unclearly, but just enough for Mark to make out the words, “I understand if you don’t love me anymore.” She continued mumbling something then fell silent again.

Did he hear her right? Sure she wasn’t talking clearing, let alone think, but he knew what he heard. Mark walked towards the nurse confusedly, Elaine was there, “Excuse me, but my girlfriend is talking in her sleep. Is that supposed to happen?”

“Don’t worry sir,” she assured, “that happens sometimes. That’s the subconscious talking,” she chuckled, “a good way to let secrets slip out.”

“Thanks,” he said then went back to Samantha. He tried to put the pieces together with what his mum told him and what Ashley said together with Samantha’s words, but fell asleep thinking about it.

~ ~ ~

CHAPTER 50

“And how are we feeling today?” Dr. Meagan Richard asked as she read Samantha’s charts.

            "I don't know about you, but I'm sore all over," groaned Samantha. The doctor smiled, "don't worry, the soreness will wear off soon but you have to take painkillers for sometime."
            She continued writing on her file and reviewed another chart. Satisfied she turned to her and said, "I'll come by tomorrow to check up on you and if all goes well, you can go home the day after. So I don't want you driving or doing any heavy work, and I want you to take bed rest for a week. In short take it easy. Alright?" Samantha nodded. To Mark she said, "Make sure she rests."
            "Thanks doc," Mark said when she was about to leave. She nodded and left. Mark felt a little uncomfortable being here not knowing how Samantha might react. The past three days Samantha was mostly sleeping, so there wasn't much to do. But today, she was more alert. "Looking forward to go home?" Samantha just nodded, not even glancing at his direction.
            "You know," she began softly after a long silence, "I never knew how much I wanted to have children until I was told I can't. It felt like my world crumbled." Mark froze, he didn't know what to do or what to say, instead he held her hand. "Now that I think about it, I want the experience of being pregnant, giving birth, changing nappies at three in the morning, watching them taking their first step, and to hear them calling 'Ma!" Mark's heart broke listening to her. "Why me?"
            Ashley was right, he had to give her credit for that. He was feeling helpless, he didn't even know what to say. He just wished he knew what to say to make this a little bit easier. "I don't know why but I always believed there's always a reason for everything," Mark tried comforting her.
            "What possible reason?" she asked brokenly. Mark wished he had an answer for that, "we'll know one day. But for now let's just concentrate on you getting better. We'll get through this, Sam. Believe it."
            "We?" Samantha asked, "as in you and me?"
            "Yes," he looked at her confusedly, "that's the general idea of that word. In fact it should have been 'we' going through this since you first found out." This was possibly the worst time to be selfish but he just had to know. Taking a deep breath he began, "Why didn't you tell me? Why go through it alone? Since when couldn't you not tell me anything?"
            "I wanted to tell you so much but I was scared you'll be leave me," she whispered.
            "What?" he asked. He didn't know what answer to expect to begin with, but that was what he didn't expect at all.
            "You'll be disappointed, then frustrated, then angry, then slowly you might not love me anymore then you'll leave me."
            Where did that come from? If it was possible he was even more confused. This was even more serious than he thought. Insecurity wasn't Samantha at all.
            "Whatever made you think that?"
            "Because I couldn't give you something you wanted. Oh Mark, I always knew you wanted a family. A complete one. You said it yourself, and with me that wouldn't come true. Besides, I saw you wishing upon a shooting star, so I know it means so much to you. The last thing I wanted to see was you being hurt because that won't come true," Samantha revealed in a flat voice.
            "We can always adopt if you want."
            "But one day long into the future you'll want your flesh and blood and you'll end up hating me for it."
            "Is that what this whole thing was about? “ he asked in disbelief.
            She nodded, still not daring to look at him. "I tried calling you after my checkup that day but my cell was low on battery. I reached home, one of the neighbors were having some kind of argument, which was surprising since they never did fight, it was loud, so I couldn't not overhear. It had to be bad since he was calling her every name in the book and she was crying and pleading all the time. I came to find out that his reaction was because she told him she had breast cancer. The man left threatening never to come back and he never did. Somehow that display scared me, they were the most loving couple I saw. Finally, her sister took her away." Mark wasn't too impressed with that man.
            "Listen to me," he started sternly then softened his tone, "I don't want a family if you're not in it. It doesn't matter if you can't have children, and I won't change my mind about that. And you know something, you already made my life complete. I love you so much you'll never know. If you thought I'll walk away from you, for any reason at all, you're so wrong. Just as I share your joy, I'll share your pain. A packaged deal and I don’t expect anything less." He paused a moment then said, "In good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. Isn't that what it's all about?"
            "We are hardly married," she reminded him.
            "But I'm hoping that one day we will be," Mark said softly.
            Now she felt very silly for letting her imagination run off. She smiled wishfully, "I hope so too." He had always assumed that was where they were headed, but he was glad that she voiced it out. It also gave him a sense of calm. "I'm sorry I kept it from you," she apologized sincerely.
            "It's okay," Mark was just relived this was settled, "Just don't do it again, alright?" The look on his face said it all. It would take time but everything would be alright. She should have followed her instinct and told him instead of judging what's would happen by someone else's reaction. He was with her the whole way. Samantha nodded. “Thanks you,” she whispered gratefully, “for understanding and not condemning. For being by my side. For a million other reasons, and for loving me.” That spark that was missing for a few days slowly returned into her eyes. Hearing her say that made tears were burn at the back of his eyes.

            Mark was deep in thought and realized it when Samantha pinched his arm. "Come back to Earth Mark Feehily," Samantha teased, then asked concernedly, "Are you okay?"
            Mark nodded. Taking a deep breath, he said, "This is not what I had in mind," Mark looked around the room and shook his head, "when I wanted to do this." After a pause, he said, "I've been thinking about this a lot for sometime and I know it wouldn't be smooth sailing all the way but this is what I want for us," he produced a black velvet box from his pocket and placed it in her free hand, "Will you marry me?"
            Samantha was speechless, she had least expected this. She glanced at the ring, it had tiny stones along the simple band. It was simple yet beautiful, just as she liked it.
            "You know, you can put me out of my misery now,” he said when Samantha kept staring at the ring and at him back and forth a few times, “but I'll let you think about it. Take your time, I'm not rushing. Just don't take too long," Mark rambled nervously.
            "I'll think about it," Samantha finally replied. Mark nodded. It's not what he wanted to hear but he accepted that for now. He just wished his heart rate would slow down so he could breath easy.
            Mark was saying something but her thoughts were racing. The past, present and what the possibility of the future flashed through her mind’s eye. It felt like everything fell into place, this was just…right.

“Yes,” Samantha interrupted him and handed him the ring. Being ecstatic was not sufficient to describe what he felt at the moment. He wanted to climb the highest mountain and shout it out to the whole world. He carefully slid the ring in her finger, as not to disturb the tubes inserted. Samantha wished she could see it, but it will hurt her arm if she raised her hand.

“You just made me the happiest man on earth,” Mark said wiping a tear that slid down her cheek.

~ ~ ~

“Comfortable?” Mark asked as he fluffed the pillows for Samantha. He made it a point to completely spoil Samantha for the past week since she was discharged from the hospital. Physically, she was recovering. Emotionally, they are giving it time.

“Yes,” she answered.

“Do you need anything else?” he inquired. Samantha just patted the other side of the bed. Mark noticed she was visibly tired.

“In a sec,” he answered then disappeared from her room. Samantha increased the TV volume through the remote. The Brit Awards was screened live. Right now the guests were arriving at the venue. Mark was supposed to be there today. After all, he was nominated for Male Artiste of the Year and Album of the Year. And that was the same categories Mark’s competitor Daniel was up against. And to make things a little complicated, Samantha produced Daniel’s album.

“You should be there you know. I can take care of myself for a few hours,” Samantha said when Mark emerged.

“I don’t doubt you can,” Mark stated tiredly. Samantha kept pestering him to go ever since he told her he wasn’t going.

“But it’s your night to shine!”

“”I’ll shine from here,” he replied. Samantha sighed. She felt guilty that Mark wasn’t going so that he could keep her company. Putting an arm around her, he said gently, “I’m right where I want to be: Here.”

This was a different experience for Mark. Watching the awards from home, commenting on the guests or making fun of the emcee. That’s something they wouldn’t do if they were there.

They sat up when the presenter was announcing the Male Artiste of the Year nominees. Mark reached out and squeezed Samantha’s arm. He could hear his own heart pounding in his chest. Samantha flung her arms around him, it was then it registered to him that the presenter declared him winner. He jumped off the bed and did a mad dance around the room. Samantha just collapsed in laughter.

By the time they both calmed down, Album of the Year was up next. Samantha has worked behind the scenes long enough to figure out who receives the award out of the nominees. Usually her predictions are right.

This time Samantha was just as agitated as Mark. This one would either go to Daniel or Mark, and not the other three nominees’. And she told this flat out to him. Mark secretly wanted the Album of the Year, cause this was the first time his solo album was nominated. If it went to Daniel, Samantha can add it to her existing list of achievements.

“By any chance, would it be a tie?” Mark asked even though he knew it wasn’t possible.

“Nope,” Samantha said shortly.

“I thought so too.”

They waited in anticipation for what seemed like eternity. Samantha squealed with joy when Daniel was announced. Daniel was giving his acceptance speech when she glanced at Mark’s direction.

“Suck it up!” Samantha rolled her eyes, “What matter’s is you were nominated.”

“Oh puh-lease,” Mark pouted, “Winning is what matters!” then he added quickly, “and I’m happy for you.” Samantha didn’t miss the sincerity in his voice, she leaned over placing a kiss in his cheek, “I know you are.”

The awards were soon ignored. Mark couldn’t believe, after all these years, he still was excited getting an award. Nothing could beat the rush.

“What’s so funny?” Mark asked when Samantha chuckled.

“I remember the day, when we were kids, I was going over to your place to do our homework but what do I find?”

“A boy singing in front of the mirror with his mam’s hairbrush, pretending to be the next MJ” Mark finished, remembering the incident Samantha was referring to.

“You should have seen the look in your face when you caught me watching your standing ovation bit,” Samantha giggled.

“Well, I was a bit surprised to find you there,” Mark said as he felt his colour rise.

“Uh-huh,” Samantha nodded, “And I’m sure the glances you gave the floor was to make sure that I couldn’t see your imaginary fans, right?”

“Alright!” Mark admitted, “I wished the earth would open up and swallow me. But that was when I thought everyone would laugh at me if I told them I loved to sing!”

“And you bribed me not to tell anyone by doing my Irish homework,” she said smugly, “for three months!”

“Until your dad figured out why you had good grades all of the sudden but can’t speak a sentence without a mistake,” he shot back.

“Well, if someone didn’t mix up our homework I wouldn’t have gotten into trouble for that!” Samantha exclaimed sleepily. She wished she could just skip the medication, it was annoying that it causes drowsiness.

“Gosh, that was so long ago,” Mark reminisced with a smile.

“And look at you now,” she said quietly. Mark watched her as she dozed off, she looked relaxed and peaceful, like a child. He placed a kiss on her cheek, “Thank you for believing in me Samantha Micah. Thank you for never losing faith. And for giving me place in your heart.”

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