WestFiction- "If You Love Something" by Mary

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If You Love Something...> chapters 39-40

Samantha stared at the phone, speed dialed a number then hung up. “It can’t be this hard,” she muttered to herself while gazing out of her office window. She was mentally preparing herself to make the call when the shrill of the phone made her jump.

“Hello,” she answered as calmly as possible.

“Hey.” Mark! Her mouth went dry. “So, what’s the matter?”

“What?” that certainly was an unusual way to greet a person.

“You called me,” Mark explained, “three times. Then hung up. So I thought I’d give you a ring. Is anything wrong?” Samantha could have kicked herself. Mark had Caller ID, how could she forget about that?

“No,” she laughed nervously, “nothing’s wrong. Just thought I’d call and see how you’re doing…err…you know, there’s something I need to tell you.”

“I have something to tell you too. But you go first.”

“This isn’t easy,” she said, twirling the cord of the phone, “I…umm…I think…well…I erm…”

Mark laughed at the other end, “Cat bit your tongue? Come on Micah, it’s me. Me. Mark.” How does she say it? ‘Ya know Mark, I think I’m still in love with you’? Well, that would actually be a good start!

“What is it you wanted to tell me?” she asked instead. She heard Mark let out a sigh then he said, “Me and Judith. We’re back together.” Samantha felt an arrow speared her heart. She closed her eyes and wished it wasn’t what she thought she heard, “What did you say?” she barely whispered.

“I know what she did Sam,” Mark went on, “She came over two days ago…” Samantha was sure her world stopped revolving. Samantha steadied herself against her desk and sank down to her chair. God, please, no. Mark continued rambling on something about relationships, something about second chances, but she couldn’t comprehend what he was saying.

“Do you think I did the right thing?” he asked. The future flashed in her mind’s eye. It was never meant to be. She nodded furiously, fighting back her tears.

“Samantha?” he called out from the other end.

“Yeah,” she choked out. That arrow, it pierced even deeper. What else can she say? No. It was the wrong thing to do. She’ll just hurt you again? Adrian, her PA, brought some documents to be signed. “Listen Mark, I…I have to go. Talk to you later.” With that she slammed the phone down. As she poised her pen above the dotted line, her hand shook uncontrollably.

“This is none of my business,” began Adrian as he glanced at the documents, “but I seriously think you need a vacation.”

~ ~ ~

Samantha towel-dried her hair. She didn’t feel any better than she did that morning. In fact she hadn’t felt better than she did for the past month. She was always on the verge of tears. She decided to turn in early, but sleep completely abandoned her. She reached for the phone and dialed Joshua’s number.

“This had better be good,” Joshua greeted sleepily at the other end.

“Josh?” All Samantha got was a grunt.

“Who is that?” Samantha heard a faint female voice at the other end.

“Josh, I am so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up. I’ll just call you some other time,” she apologized furiously and hung up. A quick calculation told her that is was early morning back in KL. If there’s one thing Samantha knew about Joshua, it’s that he doesn’t like to be waken up at four in the morning.

Just then her cell phone rang. The display indicated it was Joshua.

“Do NOT ever wake me up from my sleep then hang up on me,” Joshua warned when she answered.

“I’m sorry,” Samantha replied meekly. Joshua groaned, “Sorry Sam. Didn’t mean to come on hard on you.”

“It’s okay. I know how you hate anyone interrupting your sleep,” she said.

“How’ve you been?” he asked after remaining silent.

“Fine,” this has been her automatic reply for the past four months, “what about you?”

“Fantastic…Madz expecting again.” Samantha could just imagine this: Joshua leaning back against his chair, looking out the window of his home-office, probably gazing at the stars, with a smile on his face, telling her this. It was typically him. “That’s good news,” she said, but she choked at the end of her words.

“Sam, what’s wrong?” he asked, concerned, then added, “and don’t lie to me.”

“Can you do something for me?” she blurted out. She gripped the railing at the foot of the bed with all her might, determined not to cry.

“What is it?” he asked uncertainly.

“I’m moving back to KL. Just find me an apartment to stay.”

“You’re moving back here? Why would you want to do that? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d like having you near me again but why?”

“Isn’t that my home too?”

“Samantha…” he started in a tone that meant he wanted a straight answer.

“Mark. That’s why. I can’t go on anymore,” a tear slid down her cheek, “I love him, Josh. And he doesn’t. Do you know how hard it is knowing that? He’s back with Judith. I just can’t face him anymore…It’s just too hard. Our paths cross too often…I get up every morning, work my day through until I’m beat so I won’t have the time to think about him. But that doesn’t work anymore. And it hurts. It hurts so much that I can’t feel anything else…”

“But aren’t you running away from it?” he challenged.

“What else can I do? Stay here? I already feel like I’m dying inside. Even for heartbreak, there’s a limit. Besides, it’s not running away, it’s moving on.” When Joshua remained silent she wept brokenly, “Josh, do you have any idea what it’s like to love someone with all your heart and soul but he doesn’t feel the same way towards you?”

“No. I can’t say I know,” he replied, “Are you going to leave everything you’ve worked for all these years? Just like that?”

For a moment she wasn’t sure about that, then Mark’s image flashed through her mind, “Yes.”

“Sam, come here for a holiday. Re-charge your batteries then go back, everything will be fine.”

“I can’t see that, Josh,” she said forcefully, “I don’t think I’ll ever be fine. Do you seriously believe everything will be okay? If you do, I’ll take your word for it and come back.”

“Alright,” he finally relented, “I’ll help you out. I think there’s a few condos’ to let nearby, I’ll check it out tomorrow.”

“Thanks Josh,” she said softly.

“But I still don’t think this is a good idea.”

~ ~ ~

CHAPTER 40

Ten p.m., Mark glanced at his wristwatch, and he was restless, he would be tossing and turning if he went to bed now. He folded some of his clothes from the closet and began packing his bag. Mark tried to recall his schedule for tomorrow while desperately avoiding the direction his thoughts was forcing him to go.

His cell phone rang, it was his solo manager, “Yes?”

“Mark did I wake you up?”

“No,” he said shortly, he wasn’t in the mood for chit chat. His manager must have sensed it too, “Well maybe this can cheer you up. I made a few calls today about your new single and although we officially won’t know till tomorrow, you have the number one spot very much ahead from the second spot to do any catching up.”

“Thanks,” he said shortly and cut him off. His first number one. So why isn’t he ecstatic?

He reached up the closet shelf for a few of his shoe box. In the process he lost his grip and all the contents showered over him. He got down to his knees and began packing the shoes into their respective boxes. One of those boxes contained items dear to him and he would never go anywhere without it. He mentally checked the items as he put it away in the box. A ring, which his mum gave him; A CD, which was the first he ever bought; A watch, which his grandfather gave him for his tenth birthday; A cross, Mark froze.

“This is it,” Mark said looking at Samantha, he had a quiet moment alone with Samantha. She nodded sadly at him. His family came over to see him off to Dublin, as it was Westside’s first ever tour. From there they were to tour Europe with Boyzone.

“I’m gonna miss you,” she said in a hoarse whisper.

“Me too,” he said as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and covered his lips lightly over hers. Then she pressed something to his hands, “This cross, I had since I could remember. I believe it has kept me safe all this time. I want you to have it, to keep you safe.” He was deeply touched by it, he yanked her into his arms for a fierce hug and kissed her head, “I love you Sam, I love you so much.”

He had completely forgotten that he still kept it. Maybe it did keep him safe all this while. He stared at it, a smile played across his face. They had some good times, no make that great times, together. The odd thing was, he couldn’t remember why they broke up. Had it been that bad, that they couldn’t have worked it out? He reached to pick it up, then his blood turned cold. Below the cross was a photograph of him and Judith taken one year since they were together. He slid down to the floor, dejected.

“Great,” he said out loud, “You quit it with Sam, get back with Judith, then you discover you might have feelings Sam. And now what do you do? You sit in a hotel room talking to yourself when you are supposed to be celebrating your first number one.”

He rang up Nicky. He needed to talk to someone before he goes mad. An automated voice told him to leave a message. The same thing with Kian. What now?

~ ~ ~

“I’m COMING. Hold your horses.” Mark heard the door unlock and a Rowen’s head peek out, and he asked in confusion “Feehily?”

“Can I come in?” Rowen made way for Mark to pass through. When they settled in the living room, with a drink in their hands, Rowen broke the silence, “So what brings you here?”

Mark just shrugged, staring at his drink, “No reason. Just was in the neighborhood.”

“Right.”

“Yeah well…” his voice trailed off. Silence hit them again, “I hear it’s been cold here lately.”

“MARK!” Rowen said, “It’s two a.m. I am sure you didn’t come all the way, to discuss the English weather with me!” When Mark still didn’t respond, “Well?”

“You’re not going to like this,” Mark said matter-of-factly.

“Try me,” Rowen challenged.

“It’s about me and Judith,” Mark began.

“Trouble? She up to her stunts again?” Rowen asked.

“No. Nothing like that. In fact everything’s perfect.”

“So?” when Mark remained silent, “Ya know, it’s hard to find out what’s wrong when I keep having this one-sided conversation.”

“Samantha,” Mark replied softly as he stared at his drink.

Rowen frowned then realization hit him. Mark buried his head in his hands, “God, this is so hard. We had something. As in past tense. Lately, I keep remembering the times we had. Judith is now. But sometimes…sometimes…” Sometimes I couldn’t help but wonder, he added silently. Rowen quietly rolled a newspaper and hit Mark over the head as hard as he could.

“What the hell was that for, man?” he asked annoyed, as he rubbed his head.

“Sorry, mate,” Rowen replied, “erm…there was a…a…err…huge bug there,” pointing to the wall behind Mark, “guess my aim is not as it used to be.” Mark glanced at the wall behind him then stared at Rowen in disbelief. He decided to let it pass, “Uhh…whatever.”

“Do you love Judith?” Rowen asked after sometime.

“Well…I guess…yeah,” Mark replied.

“Do you love Sam?” Rowen asked quietly.

“I don’t know,” he replied in frustration. He got up and stared out of the window, “ I. Just. Don’t. Know.” Then he shifted his gaze and stared at his reflection. He was exactly where he wanted to be. He went through his share of pain in life as he did happiness. He was worth, well, a lot. He could have practically anything he wanted. But he couldn’t do something simple like sorting out his emotions. He leaned his head against the cool glass window. Why does he feel like his missing out on something? “Let just say for argument’s sake, that I MIGHT still have feelings for Sam, I can’t—can’t get involved again…”

“And why is that?”

“When we broke off, you know what hurt most? That I lost my best friend that same time…I can’t let that happen again.”

Something began to click in Rowen’s mind, “Is that why you got back together with Judith?”

“Partly…, “ he admitted, “I was hoping she would convince me it was just infatuation…Judith and I, what we had, it was real. I wanted that again…we had put in years of effort into it…it was all the more reason to give it a go…but now, it doesn’t feel the same…That and both our PR’s said it might just mend both our tarnished image.”

Rowen just shook his head in disbelief and laughed, “Ya know, I always thought I was the one with the girl problems. And since when did you start listening to your PR’s?,” then seriously he said, “you can’t stand on the fence, just because you’re afraid what might happen or what might not, or hoping what would happen,” then he added, “ I don’t wanna see unnecessary hearts being broken.” Mark knew he was talking about Samantha, he said, “I thought you’ll be mad. You know, cause it’s Sam.”

Rowen shrugged and said, “We have reconciled our differences. We are good friends now.” This surprised Mark, then he realized that they held that right, so he didn’t question him on it, “What do I do now?”

He studied his friend for a moment, “Ya know I can’t make decisions for you.” Mark just nodded.

“I think I better go,” Mark said as he was getting ready to leave, “After all, you have work tomorrow…I’m sorry to barge in on you like this.”

“Stay the night,” Rowen offered, “you can use the guest room…and it’s no trouble, make yourself at home.”

~ ~ ~

“Mark?”

“Huh?”

“I asked if you want to come in?” Judith asked. They just attended a charity dinner and his chauffeur drove them back to Judith’s place

Mark gave a quick glance at the huge white mansion, “No,” he managed to say with a smile.

“Mark are you alright?” she asked concerned.

“Yeah fine,” he replied, “why do you ask?”

“I don’t know,” she said looking at him, “You don’t seem to be yourself lately. A little distant. I haven’t seen that sparkle in your eyes for a long time. Is there something wrong?”

“No, maybe my schedule is taking it’s toll on me,” he made up an excuse. He was on his well-deserved break for two months beginning tomorrow, “I thinking of going back to Sligo for a few days.”

“When do you want to leave?” she asked. Mark realized she automatically assumed she was invited too.

“I was thinking of going alone,” he said frankly and saw the hurt flicker in her eyes when he said it, “I need to think some things through.”

“Oh.”

“I desperately need to think about my life, my career, the direction it’s taking and I find it easier to think back home…I’ll take you with me, next time.” A tear rolled down her cheek then she asked softly, “Will there be a next time?”

So, she noticed too. They were out of sync, they had grown apart. Was that possible in a few months?

“What did I do?” she asked hysterically, “Is this about what happened last time?”

“No, Judith, believe me. It has nothing to do with that. Don’t go blaming yourself for it. Just put that behind you,” he tried convincing her, “It’s just…just…I don’t know…it’s like…we are different…we’ve changed.”

“I didn’t change Mark. You did,” she snapped at him. She was right on that one though, he had changed. They sat there, staring out of their respective windows, lost in their own thoughts. Judith broke the silence, “So this is it huh?” she asked tearfully. Mark looked at her. The last thing he wanted was play with someone’s heart. How do you break up without hurting her? He nodded and barely whispered, “Yeah. This is it.” They sat there in silence again.

“Who is she?” she asked quietly, as she tried to compose herself.

“Who?”

“Come on, I’m not that stupid, who is she?” Mark didn’t answer that, he felt her staring at him. “Oh my god,” she barely whispered when she realized who it was, “Samantha. Tell me it’s not her. Anybody but her.” Mark didn’t respond. “It has always been her, isn’t it? I was second best. No matter what, I was always second best.”

“Judith, I’m sorry,” he began but she cut him off.

“Sorry? You’re sorry?” she said in a deadly whisper, “I love you, damnit and you dump me and then you tell me you’re sorry? You think that’s gonna make everything alright?”

He reached out for her hand. She yanked it out from his grip, “Don’t you dare touch me,” she shirked, “don’t you ever come near me again.” Judith opened her side of the door and ran up the steps in tears.

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