WestFiction- "In the Arms of an Angel" by Xtine

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In the Arms of an Angel> chapters 27-28

Mark pushed the door to Gaby`s room slowly and quietly, trying not to disturb her. He let out a tiny smile when he heard her call his name. But he became worried as he caught the fear in her voice.

“Mark! Mark! It's you!” came the loud, hoarse voice. Mark ran to the bed, thinking that Gaby was calling him. But when he saw that she was sleeping, tears falling from her face, he knew she was having one of her nightmares again.

“Hey,” Mark shook her shoulder a bit, wakening her.

Gaby slowly opened her eyes and gave him a faint smile. “I just had another dream. Remember the first time we met at Hazelwoods? I had that dream again. Only this time, I didn't fall.” She gazed into his lovely blue eyes that reminded her of the ocean. “Because,” she whispered raggedly, not taking her eyes off his, “this time you were there to pull me up.”

He brushed away her tears, reaching up to her to hug her, to feel her close to his heart. “What does that mean then?” he asked. He wanted to hear Gaby say the words that she needs him, that she wants him and that she's in love with him as much as he is with her.

She cleared her throat, now fully comprehending what her dreams meant. Mark was her guardian angel sent by the Big Boss to protect and love her. “I think it means…” her voice trailed off, fear building in her heart. If I say it aloud, if I tell him how I feel, I would hurt him much more than if I don't say anything at all. “I think…” she continued, but was interrupted by the abrupt entrance of Shane and Anya---both faces flushed with anger---who obviously just had an argument.

Mark sighed. Shane always knows how to make an entrance. He moved away from the bed and occupied the couch near the window.

“Gaby,” Shane rushed in to her, hugging her. “Are you alright? What do you want?” he bombarded her, looking worried.

She let out a faint laugh. “Bug off, Shaney. I'm fine. I was just tired that's why I collapsed. You don't have anything to worry about. In fact,” she said, sitting up. “I can go home now. I hate being in the hospital.

“But the doctor advised that we let you stay in here until tomorrow,” Anya contradicted, her eyes avoiding Gaby`s. She still felt horrible after the nasty discussion they had several minutes ago.

“I want to go home,” she insisted and then turned to Mark. “You'll take me home, won` t you?”

He nodded and walked to where she was and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Of course I’ll take you home.” With that he left the three to be alone and went to the nurse station.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Although Gaby felt a little bit tired she insisted that she and Mark take a walk instead of getting a cab. Mark didn't want to argue with her so he let her have her way even if he wanted so much to take a cab so she won't strain herself.

“You scared me, you know?” he stated, keeping his gaze ahead. He wanted so much to look at her but he was so scared to see her eyes and see the pain going through her---the pain he has no idea about.

She nodded. “Hmm…sorry,” she said. She didn't know what to say or do. Her mind had gone completely blank. All she wanted to do was go home, home to her family and be enveloped in their warmth even if things are not so perfect. She just wanted to run away, go back to the time she wasn't in Ireland yet. Somehow, meeting Mark has complicated her life---her emotional life. Everyday is a constant battle of emotions. She has to fight off what she feels for him. It scares her so much that one day she'll just blurt it out to Mark that she's so massively in love with him. And she didn't want that. She didn't want to fall in love and that's her head telling her that. LIAR, LIAR, her crazy little heart pumped. You know you want to fall in love with him. Hell, you are in love with him! Why won't you admit it? She shook her head and brushed off what her heart was telling her.

Mark stopped abruptly, taking her hands into his. “Gaby, I know it's sounds insane when I told you I love you,” he started, looking at her shyly, color creeping on his pale face, picking up on the subject that was cut abruptly several hours ago.

“Oh,” she said in a small voice. “So you think it's insane to fall for my charms?” she joked, the sides of her lips twitching to form a smile.

“No,” he replied powerfully, gripping her hands tightly but loosened up when he heard Gaby let out a yelp. “Falling for your charms isn't insane. What I'm saying is that you might think it's insane for me to fall in love with you in such short time. But I am.” He gazed down at her, his ocean-deep blue eyes boring into hers. He wanted so much to have her, to hold her close to him and to kiss her over and over again, to savagely bruise her lips so that no one will ever kiss her again. He wanted to brand her, to be his for the rest of his life.

Gaby looked away, a crimson color staining her cheeks. This was all too much. All these confessions in one night were taking its toll on her mind. Somehow her mind was slowly succumbing to what her heart’s telling her---to love Mark and just let nature take its course and to not defy what she's feeling.

“I love you,” Mark uttered again that night. He has never meant it in his entire life. Before, he would say ‘I love you’ because it was the surest way to get laid or make his girlfriends happy. But now, he didn't want any of those. He just wanted to be loved back. And for once in his life, he wanted so much to hear the words he just uttered thrown back at him.

Her mouth started to form the words “I love you” but she choked back a reply. I can't let you know I love you, she thought wistfully, tears almost stinging her eyes. If I tell you how I feel, it would ruin everything. Everything would just get screwed up. I`ll die and end up hurting you.

“What? Don't you have anything to say?” he raked his hands through his hair, making them stick out perpendicular to his head.

She sighed and bit her lip to keep them from trembling. She bowed her head and kept staring at her hands that she was clenching and unclenching.

The silent tapping of her sneakers was driving Mark mad. Why won't you say something, he thought angrily, feeling the muscles in his jaw tick.

“Thanks, I guess,” she muttered, her words coming out in incoherent syllables.

“I can't understand you. Look at me, will ya?” he said in a forceful tone.

“I said, thanks,” she answered back louder, slowly bringing her head up to meet his passion-filled eyes.

“For what?” he asked, his eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

“Nothing. Just thank you for falling in love with me,” she shrugged, shifting her weight from side to side.

His heart sank. She didn't feel the same. How could he be so stupid as to risk his heart on the line? How could he possibly think that she's in love with him, too? Now he feels like an utter fool for spilling out his guts! “Oh,” came a reply. “It’s um, nothing. I was just being honest.”

She saw the flash of pain in his face and right then and there she wanted to kill herself for hurting him. The way he was looking at her was too much for her. She feels so guilty. “I better go, Mark.”

He nodded, his vision blurring from the tears accumulating in his eyes. “Yeah, you should.”

She reached for him to kiss his cheek but he turned away. She flinched when he did that. “Don’t do that, Mark,” she begged.

“Why not? I'm hurt and I have every right to act this way!” he shouted and then turned his back to run, leaving Gaby alone, staring after him.

Gaby stared at Mark’s picture over and over again, memorizing every inch and every line of his face. It’s been three days since Mark left her in an angry fit. She was to blame and she knows it. But somehow, she couldn't bring herself to go to him and tell him that she's sorry and that she's in love with him. She sighed and longingly gazed at Mark's picture again. She traced her fingers to his lips, hoping it was the real thing she was feeling. She's been gazing at his photograph for almost an hour now and she's still at it.

She sighed and dropped on the bed, letting her body bounce several times before she lifted Mark’s photo to her face again.

“I guess I'll never know what made me like you. Was it your obvious good looks? Or your large blue eyes with curly lashes that would make any woman jealous? Or was it your deep, soulful voice that makes me quiver whenever I hear you sing? Or was it your quietness and shyness combined with good personality? Or was it everything I have just said? I don’t know,” she said, talking to the image of Mark, staring at it intently.

She rolled onto her side. I wish, she thought pensively, I've never met you. Dying would be so much easier for me if I didn’t know you. Now I'm in this constant battle with my head and heart whether I should tell you how I feel and be in a relationship with you or not.

Talking to his picture was pointless when she could just go to him and talk to him. But she was so scared---of everything, even things she can't quite fathom. She sighed for the hundredth time that day as she moved her eyes away from the picture, placing it in a box, hoping she could put Mark out of her life that easily.

Several hours later, she decided to come down and see Anya. She hasn’t seen her in a while as she's been locking herself up in the room. And Anya was quite busy too with things. She feels so guilty not talking to Anya because now she doesn't know what's going on with her.

“Hey,” Anya greeted, smiling, looking up from the book she was reading. “Mark passed by a couple of hours ago and gave me this.” She handed her a small manila envelope with the name “Gaby” scrawled almost illegibly infront.

She opened it and found a fairly thin paperback with an angel formed in clouds as the front cover. It was a picture collection of cloud formations! “Wow,” she said breathlessly, turning the page. Mark wrote a message that made her smile:

Gaby,

I was at out today and I passed by this tiny bookstore and saw this amazing book. I thought of you and the lazy times we spent in Hazelwoods. Hope you like it.

Love,

Mark.

P.S. I miss you and I'm so sorry. I still feel the same way.

Gaby read the note over and over again, running her fingers through the smooth paper, feeling the handwriting. All of a sudden a sob escaped from her throat, making Anya look at her suspiciously.

“What’s up with you?” Anya queried, looking curiously at her watery eyes “Obviously there's something going on here that I don't know.”

Gaby looked away, blinking ten times to push back the tears inside. “Nothing.”

“Then why does it look like as if you're about to cry?” she persisted.

“Um, it's…erm, I was just thinking of Mark,” she replied, simply.

“What about him?” she sat across Gaby and looked at her, her arms crossed over her chest.

“Well,” Gaby started, fighting the hurt creeping through her. “The night he brought me home from the hospital, on the way here, we started talking about stuffs and then he left in an angry fit. He was mad because he told me he loves me and all I said was thank you.”

Anya stared at her in aghast. “Why just tell me now? God, I wish you'd talk to me. I'm not some kind of a furniture here that you just pass by!”

“I know! I'm honestly sorry, Anya!” she apologized. “It’s just that I'm battling with myself as well. I'm trying to sort out my head and my heart. It's so stupid seeing you and not being able to talk, you know.”

She accepted her apology, understanding her. She can't blame her after all. She’s entitled to keep things for herself. “What's the problem bugging you then?

“It's Mark!” Gaby blurted out his name again.

“Yeah?” Anya asked, tucking her right foot under her other leg.

“I'm so in love with him,” she said out loud, throwing her hands in the air. She felt relieved, as if she just let a time bomb drop. Hearing her own voice utter aloud the three wonderfully magical words she's suppressed all these time made her heart jump with joy.

“So what's the problem? I know he likes you, maybe more than that.” Anya ran her hands through her hair. “Why should you worry about Mark? It’s so obvious he feels the same way. Hell, I should be the one telling you a problem!” she let out a shrill laugh, brushing away the ugly feeling forming at the pit of her stomach.

“Because…” her voice trailed off. She cleared her throat, her mind devoid of any coherent reason. “Because…because I'm, erm, I'm scared to hurt him, scared to hurt myself.”

“Stop it, Gaby. You won't hurt him! You’ve got so much love inside you. Let him love you. God, I can't understand why you're doing this to yourself and to him!”

“Anya,” she cried in frustration, uncrossing her arms and standing up. “I'm not your average teenage girl! I can't be in love anymore. I've lost the right to feel that way!” she slumped deeper on the couch and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Says who?” Anya challenged, getting mad at Gaby`s petty reason.

“Says my sickness!” she exclaimed.

“BULLSHIT! You can't let your stupid fucked up brain tumor dictate your life, Gaby! You're stronger than that! Stop your self-imposed rule about not letting yourself fall in love! That is pure bullshit!” Anya cried, standing up, staring down fiercely at Gaby`s eyes.

“I'm not stronger than my brain tumor, Anya! If I were, I would be in the hospital undergoing surgery, taking my chemo and drinking medicines so I would get better! I'm not strong because I've let this stupid tumor chain me and take over my life!” Tears started to crawl languidly down from her eyes, her nose running.

Anya started pacing back and forth in short brisk steps, her hands folded across her chest. “You can fight it, Gaby. Fight it. You can beat it. You just have to stop restricting yourself from experiencing life just because you're sick. Cut yourself some slack and live!”

She shook her head in open defiance. “That’s so easy for you to say! You're not the one dying! You’re not the one fighting a disease, fighting to live, trying to survive!”

Anya rolled her eyes. “I'm trying to survive as well, Gaby! You're not the only victim. We're all victims of your sickness because if you pass away, we’ll be without you.”

Gaby covered her face with her clammy hands, trying to stop the influx of her tears. Everything Anya`s mouth was spewing were making sense, everything was hitting her hard. It was all so true. No one imposed the rule that says she can't be in love; it's all her doing because she's scared to die, scared to love and then hurt her beloved and hurt herself in the process.

Anya pried off Gaby`s hands off her face. “Gaby,” she started, her eyes fixed on Gaby`s dark ones. “Don’t kill yourself by doing this. You said you love Mark. Then go for it. Don’t let this love pass you by. Please,” her voice dropped in a hoarse whisper as she grabbed her cousin in a tight embrace, kissing the side of her face.

That night, ever since Gaby came to Ireland, she was able to fall asleep peacefully. No nightmares. No worries. Just the magical thought that she's going to allow herself to feel again, to love again, and most of all, to live again, even for just a short time.

CHAPTER 28

Mark's cheeks were flushed with anger. His fists were tightly rounded and a muscle in his jaw was beginning to tick. The feeling of hurt, anger and the pangs of betrayal shadowed his blue eyes.

After running away from Gaby four days ago, he couldn't sleep properly. He wanted to go to her and explain why he had to leave her in an angry state. He needed to talk to her to ask a lot of things, like why she's not in love with him when he felt so sure she felt the same way? Instead, he sent her a book that reminded him of her with a note attached to it. He didn't want to face her soon. He was scared of another rejection and he wasn't very ecstatic at the thought of being turned down over and over again.

He made plans with Rowen to play snooker in the nearby snooker hall and drown his sorrows over beers and vodka when his phone rang. It was the station nurse in Sligo General Hospital saying that he left his coat there. He agreed to pick it up and maybe see if Gaby`s doctor was there. He phoned Rowen to say that he’d take a rain check and make it up to him because he was to go to the hospital.

He just got his black leather coat when he saw Dr. Tondering walking to the nurse’s station. He approached her and asked about Gaby`s health and why she collapsed since no one wanted to fill him in on what's going on.

“You didn’t know?” Doctor Tondering asked in a shocked little voice. “She's got Glioblastoma multiforme, or gbm, which is a primary brain tumor,” she told him and then left, shaking her head when her name was called over the P.A. system.

Mark's vision blurred, he couldn't hear the brisk, heavy steps of the people around him, and breathing became very hard. Tears began to burn his deep blue eyes.

What Dr. Tondering said kept on reverberating in his head, playing like a nasty old record, making him dizzy. He knew Shane knew what Gaby`s going through. Everybody knows except him. How could he be so stupid and not notice it? How come he couldn't see it? But how could he? How the hell was he supposed to know Gaby was seriously sick? He rarely sees her, seeing that she hangs out with Shane all the time. But when they did hang out, he never saw any signs showing that she's terminally ill until last night.

He dug deeper on the pockets of his black coat and went around the back to enter the Filan`s house in Castle Street. Mae, Shane's mum, greeted him with a big smile. Being the polite lad that he is, he forced a grin and asked for Shane.

“Hiya, mate!” Shane greeted brightly, a sliver of sweat covering his face, his hand holding a can of car wax and a blue rag on the other.

The boiling rage going on inside Mark erupted that he lunged forward to where Shane was and grabbed him by the shirt. “You!” he spat exasperatedly, his eyes full of anger and hurt. “How could you?” he tightened his grip and then forcefully pushed Shane, making him land on his behind.

“What the hell are you on about?” Shane asked, obviously hurt, his pride in tatters.

“Shut up and don't pull that ‘what the hell are you on about?’ thing on me! You very well damn know what I'm talking about, Filan!” Mark screamed angrily, pacing back and forth. “I thought you were my friend, my best mate! How could you hide something so important from me?”

Shane slowly stood up, dusting himself off, avoiding Mark's angry glare. What do I tell him? “I'm sorry,” he whispered inaudibly, his head hanging dejectedly. “I promised Gaby I won't tell.”

Mark stopped his pacing and calmed a little. “Shane,” he started, his voice shaking, “this is something you shouldn’t have hidden from me! Even if you promised! This is Gaby we're talking about!”

“I know,” he admitted, his beautiful hazel-green eyes staring at him sadly. “Gaby made me swore not to tell you or Anya. Anya already had a go with me already. But I made a promise and I didn't want to break it even if I wanted to run to you and let you know.”

“Fuck that promise!” Mark spat, his nostrils flaring angrily. “You could’ve at least hinted me. You could have said something general, like she's sick or something. If I didn't go back to the hospital today I wouldn’t have known. I would still be in the dark!”

Shane looked at him helplessly, not knowing what to say or do. Then he decided to tell Mark Gaby`s reason. “She didn't want you to know because she said that the less you know about her, the less you'll get hurt. She didn't want to hurt you. She was protecting you.”

“From what?’ Mark scoffed, his brows furrowed in consternation.

“I don't know. She just didn't want you to get hurt because she cares a lot about you.”

“She doesn't want to hurt me? Hanging out with you and avoiding me hurts me so much! It hurts me so much when she looks at you longingly, or when she goes to you for help, when she holds your hand. It hurts me to know that she's yours and not mine! It hurts me so much that I love her yet she doesn't seem to want me!” he cried, his hands covering his face.

Shane took a step forward, taking away Mark's hands away from his face. “She's not mine. She wants you. She needs you. Just as much as you do. Or maybe more.”

Mark stared at him in disbelief. “So you say she's not yours, that she needs and wants me. How come she avoids me? How come she can't open up to me? And how come she rejected me when I told her how I feel?” he quipped, his head filling with so much questions.

Shane shrugged. “She’s the only one who can answer that, Mark.”

“I'm sorry,” Mark apologized, after minutes of silent contemplation. “I was overtaken by anger, fear and emotions that's why I pushed you. I didn't mean to hurt you, mate.”

“Fair play to you. It's ok.” Shane accepted Mark's handshake and briefly hugged each other.

Mark glanced at his watch. “It's getting late. I better get going. Once again, I'm sorry. And thank you.” He turned his back and started to walk away.

Shane just smiled and bid him goodbye. I hope you sort things out, Mark, he thought to himself. God, please, he prayed. I'm willing to give up my BMW, just let Mark and Gaby come together.

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