WestFiction- "Crash and Burn" by Kate

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Crash and Burn> chapters 17-19

- Where the hell are they?!

Anya looked really irritated. She was pacing around the room nervously and glancing at her watch at least once in every five minutes. But the guys were still nowhere to be seen.

- They should be here by now... - Agata sighed deeply and laid back in an arm- chair.

Dorothy, An, Agata and me were all sitting in my and Dorothy’s room, waiting for the guys to finally come back to the hotel. We were all dressed up for a big night out that they have promised us, but waiting for them since an hour started to get on our nerves.

- What time they were supposed to finish that TV show?- Dorothy asked, glancing at her reflection in the mirror for the hundredth time this evening.

- Eight o’clock. - I said. - But it’s already nine and they’re STILL not here.

- I wanna go out noooooow!- An exclaimed impatiently but she quickly got up from her seat and ran to the window as loud screams coming from outside the hotel could be heard.

- I THINK they’re here..!- Agata laughed and joined An in looking five floors down.

- Hey, what’s that girl doing to MY Shane?!- An shouted suddenly, getting pretty angry.

Dorothy was next to join the girls at the window.

- Pulling his jacket... - she explained, glancing down.

- I can see that!- An was getting even angrier. - Hey! And what the hell is that?!

- She’s now pulling his hair...- Dorothy was acting like a professional sports commentator. - Ouch! That must have hurt!- She frowned suddenly. - Poor Shane!

I couldn’t stop my curiosity longer and I glanced out the window too.

The sight was unbelievable: in front of the hotel’s main entrance was standing a crowd of about a hundred fans. Most of them were screaming at the top of their lungs and pulling the boys in every possible direction, but I could also notice some girls that were very polite and really calm. I smiled to myself as I watched Mark. He was acting so natural, smiling at everyone, giving his autographs and posing for pictures with a wide grin, surely making these fans the happiest girls alive. Sure enough, the rest of Westlife was doing the same.

- They’re born to do it, don’t you think?- I questioned the girls, still keeping my gaze on Mark.

- Yea, I guess they are... - An nodded, continuously observing Shane and the girls that surrounded him. - Hey! She’s doing it AGAIN! I’m gonna go down there and show her what I think about it!

Anya shot us a look when we all started giggling.

- Why are you laughing?! - she asked angrily.

- There, there hun, sit down and I’ll get you a glass of water so you can calm down!- Dorothy made Anya sit down back on a chair and placed her hand on An’s head, pretending to check if she had fever.

An rolled her eyes. - Oookay, so I am exaggerating!

- You sure are...- Agata mumbled and continued on admiring Kian. - Just look at my Ki! Isn’t he the most gorgeous?- she stated rather then asked and the rest of us gave each other the all knowing looks.

I giggled watching An’s and Agata’s expressions and glanced out the window again with a wide smile still spread across my face. However, it kind of disappeared a few seconds later as I kept my eyes focused on Mark. And the girl he was talking to. I couldn’t see her or his face properly but it wasn’t hard to notice they both had some kind of an interest in each other.

The girl was holding a little booklet in both hands and Mark was writing something in it, lifting his head up from time to time to look at her. Everytime he did that, one of his famous, wide smiles was spreading across his face.

A second later he put his hand on the booklet as if he wanted to hold it for her, but then it ‘slipped’ and he touched her hand gently. It wasn’t by accident, I could see that. It was one of these intimate gestures that were made on purpose. I stood there without a move, too surprised to do anything.

- Hey girls, look at Mark! He’s just flirting like no tomorrow!- I suddenly heard Dorothy exclaiming behind my back, but her laughter stopped as quickly as it started. I turned my head around and saw three pairs of eyes staring intensively at me.

- What?- I asked and smiled shyly at the girls. I couldn’t show them I felt a bit hurt by Dorothy’s words. At last I could see she was right, I wasn’t blind after all.

- Oh shit...- Dorothy cursed and sat down on the bed, still staring at me with panic in her eyes as if I was about to hit her for what she had said.

Silence fell in the room and I felt really stupid all of a sudden. I decided to just drop the subject in the most natural way possible. So I looked at Mark and the girl again and forced a smile.

- She looks nice. Let’s hope they’ll get on well..!

Seeing the expression on girls’ faces made me loose the smile immediately.

- You don’t have to act like that in front of us. - An said and the rest nodded.

- She’s probably just another fan he’s being nice to. - Agata smiled reassuringly at me.

- Yea, EXTREMELY nice. - Dorothy stated sincerely and both girls shot her such a cold look that I had to laugh.

- Did anyone ever tell you to think BEFORE you say anything?!- An shouted and hit Dorothy with a cushion. The three of them started a harmless fight and I was watching them amused. For a minute they didn’t pay any attention to me, I looked out the window again. The crowd wasn’t as big as before, probably because Nicky, Kian, Bryan and Shane went into the hotel already. The few fans that stayed there were surrounding Mark. But he wasn’t really paying any attention to anyone but the black haired girl...

I turned away from the window when the door to our room suddenly opened widely.

- Here you are!!- Bryan stated a bit too loudly and entered the room. He glanced around and as soon as he noticed Dorothy sitting on a bed, he threw himself onto it too.

- Hey beautiful...- he looked at her in his best charming look and gave her a deep, passionate kiss. When they pulled away, Dorothy put her hand on his chin and whispered something into his ear. They were already lost in their own, little world.

- Ladies and gentleman, Westlife has just entered the building!- Kian said in his best fake voice and approached Agata.

- Show me how happy you are to see me...- he whispered seductively into her ear and grabbed her around the waist. She smiled cheekily at him and gave him a very long kiss. It seemed like they never wanted to pull apart. Well, I don’t think that was far from the truth!

As the ‘greetings’ between both couples started to get more intense, Shane and Nicky entered the room, smiling widely.

- Finally!- Anya stated and threw herself in Shane’s arms.

- Missed me?- he asked with a grin and caressed her face with the back of his hand.

- Like you wouldn’t believe..!- she answered, her face radiating with happiness and gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

- Is that all I get..?- he pretended to be hurt and started kissing her passionately.

Nicky and I felt a bit uneasy between all these couples so we gave each other signs to leave the room quietly. When we were already in the hall, Nicky laughed.

- I hope that doesn’t mean another night in...

I looked at him horrified. -Don’t even say that..!- I exclaimed jokingly and we both started to laugh.

- Maybe it’d be better to separate them now and meet downstairs in half an hour?- I said half jokingly and we both agreed to do just that. I was just about to follow Nicky to my room where I heard somebody shout my name.

- Mark... hey...- I smiled and felt pleasant shivers as I looked at him. He was glowing with happiness. Not an usual sight recently, but it sure lit up his face so he looked gorgeous. His unbelievable smile was back, his eyes had a deeper shade of blue and his hair, messed a little, made him look like a little boy.

He was trying to catch his breath. I couldn’t tell if it was because he was running through the hall to catch up with me or because of all the excitement... Eitherway, I snapped back to reality only when he started to wave his hands in front of my face.

- Kate! - he laughed out loud.

- Sorry...- I smiled weakly at him, but still couldn’t stop my eyes from wandering all over his face. - What was it that you were saying?

He laughed again and I couldn’t help but smile, hearing the amazing sound of his laughter.

- I was saying, that we had a wonderful day today!- he exclaimed and put his arm around my shoulder. We started walking towards my and Dorothy’s room and Mark was just chatting away.

- First, we went to this radio station and did a totally wicked show! Then we did a signing and so may fans turned up you wouldn’t believe. But the best bit was...

I wasn’t listening to half of what he was saying. I just waited for him to say: „Oh and by the way- I met this gorgeous girl. I can’t wait for you both to meet!”.

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An hour later we were all sitting around a table, sipping our drinks and laughing at Bryan’s jokes.

- Who’s up for a dance?- he suddenly asked and I volunteered straight away.

- I knew I can always count on you Kate!- Bry exclaimed and offered me his arm like a real gentleman, but before we walked off...

- Hey, you can’t steel my man from me!

Dorothy joked and stood up, grabbing Bryan’s other arm.

-Oh no...- I pretended to frown. - Three’s already a crowd. I pass. - I sat down back on my seat beside Mark.

I knew these two wanted to be alone, so I just decided to chat to others a little bit more.

All of us suddenly looked up at Mark with surprise when he stated happily:

- Come on Kate, you won’t refuse a dance with me, huh?- he looked at me with this silly smile playing on his lips and got up. - Let’s go!- he commanded and made me go with him. Before walking towards the dance floor

I managed to notice huge smiles spread across the faces of our friends sitting at the table.

Half an hour later both of us joined the rest. We were both so exhausted that for the first few minutes we couldn’t say a word, but at the same time we were unbelievably happy. I haven’t had such fun in a long time. I was slowly beginning to forget today’s unpleasant events and the huge grin on Mark’s face or the sparkle in his eyes made me believe this evening was going to be somehow unforgettable....

- I’m just going to make a quick phone call!- Mark said to me and before I was able to answer he gave me a light kiss on my cheek.

I was speechless for a few seconds and watched him off in amazement. It was so simple and natural in a way, but still it felt really special. I couldn’t fight the smile playing on my lips and all the guys and girls at the table obviously noticed it.

- Woohoo Kate! I see something going on...- Kian stated with a grin and no matter how tough I wanted to seem,

I couldn’t stop smiling.

-Yea, we were watching you two there!- Nicky nodded smiling. - It seems that he can’t keep his eyes away from you...

- ...not mentioning his hands..!- Bryan exclaimed and we all laughed.

- We were just DANCING!- I rolled my eyes but I can’t say the things they were saying weren’t flattering. Tonight I was getting this feeling over and over again that the feelings between us were mutual. I just hoped

I wasn’t wrong.

- Just dancing...- Anya repeated after me and looked at Shane, shaking her head. - Did you hear that honey?

- It was more like ‘dirty dancing’!- Shane nodded and everyone laughed.

- Way to go, hun!- Dorothy whispered and squeezed my hand over the table. Agata just smiled at me widely with her head on Ki’s shoulder.

-You know what you should do now?- Anya whispered all of a sudden mysteriously into my ear, but I was sure everyone at the table could hear what she was saying.

I shook my head no. She smiled at me, obviously very proud of her idea and continued.

- You should now go to him and tell him what you’re feeling.

My eyes widened with disbelief.

- You’re not serious!- I said and shook my head. - I can’t do that!

- Sure you can!- Anya said seriously. - It’s obvious from the way he looks at you that he’s feeling the same way!

I still couldn’t believe she actually wanted me to do that. It seemed as the most ridiculous thing to do right now.

- That’s just stupid...- I whispered but obviously everyone else agreed with Anya.

Just then we all spotted Mark approaching the table with a huge smile on his face.

- Go! Now!- An hissed into my ear and pushed me towards Mark. In effect, I bumped into him and, as embarrassed as I was, I managed to give him a silly smile.

- Hey! - Mark exclaimed and kissed me on my cheek again. Was that a sign or what?

- Hey... - I took a deep breath and continued in a firmer voice. - I wanted to tell you something...

He smiled at me. - That’s funny, ‘cause I wanted to tell you something as well..! - with that he caressed my shoulder gently. ‘Oh my God’ I thought ‘ this can’t be happening...’

- You go first- I managed to say and smiled at him, my nervousness slowly fading away.

- Okay then.- he didn’t stop caressing my shoulder and I started to think that An’s idea wasn’t that bad after all, although it seemed a bit childish at the beginning. - You know you’re my best friend Kate, right?

I nodded.

- Well, I owe you so much and I don’t think I’ll be ever again able to make any right decision without your help. And now I want you to tell me if I’m not wrong.

Just as for the first time Mark opened up to me, I suddenly got a strange feeling. I was just nodding continuously as he continued...

- I just made a phone call a few minutes ago. I called this girl I met today ‘cause I think she’s wonderful and I’ve got a feeling it could work between me and her...

I desperately looked around for help as he was talking about the black haired girl. How stupid and helpless can a person feel in a situation like that?

- I want you to meet her Kate, ‘cause you’re one of the most important people for me. - he was talking as if he wasn’t aware that his words were truly hurting me. On the other hand- how could he notice that if I was smiling even wider with his each word?

- Can you do that for me? I’m sure you’ll become best friends ever!- he finished with a happy laugh.

Oh, sure we will, Mark. Just don’t keep me alone in one room with her.

- I’ll be more then happy to meet her, Mark. - I forced a fake smile. I can’t believe how he could miss this huge lie in my voice.

- You made me a very happy guy!- he exclaimed and hugged me tightly. - Now, what was that you wanted to tell me?

Chapter 18

- So?

Mark closed the door to his room silently and all of a sudden I felt trapped.

- So what?- I asked innocently and began playing with the edge of my top. I was a bit nervous and just wanted to get out of there, but I didn’t know how.

Mark sat down next to me, staring intensively into my eyes while I was doing everything to avoid his gaze.

- You know what I mean. I want to know what do you think about Melody.

Melody. The black haired girl. In some strange way this name was sending shivers down my spine. And now Mark wanted me to tell him what I thought about her. The problem was, I somehow found it too hard to handle.

I surely learned a lot about her that evening. She was from America and came to Germany for holidays with her two friends. She has heard of Westlife before, so when she found out they were staying at the nearby hotel she decided to go and see them. “Just for fun” as she put it herself.

Well, it wasn’t fun for me. At least when it came to that evening. Trying to be all cheerful and smiley when Mark and Melody were acting like two love birds, when he was whispering some love spells into her ear and when she was giggling girlishly after that. It wasn’t really fun watching them dancing slow songs, close to each other, talking without words, just smiling shyly and giving each other puppy looks. The looks, the little, innocent touches they were exchanging all through the night were making me go mental. But I was proud of myself anyway: I never said a word of complaint and I played my part well. So well, that at some point even Dorothy asked me: “Aren’t you bothered at all?”

After Mark left to walk Melody to her hotel, I lost myself completely in my own world. I was trying to figure out what should I tell him when he asks me about Mel? Cause I was sure he was going to do that. And each time I reminded myself of the fact, I felt a huge lump forming in my throat.

There were actually two ways out. I could tell him how great I thought she was, that she was a perfect match for him and that he shouldn’t let go of her. On the second hand, I could be more violent and make him believe that she wasn’t worth any single minute he’s spent with her. The choice was mine. And I hated choosing.

When I found myself in Mark’s room, minutes after he came back to the hotel and asked me if I could talk to him, I made a decision. The right one, I supposed. I decided to tell him the truth.

- The time is running out- Mark laughed after a few minutes’ silence and glanced at me again. Suddenly he frowned - Are you okay?

I looked at him absently, trying to figure out once and for all if I was doing the right thing. The evil part of me, probably also the one that was longing for him the most, was trying to persuade me to make the worst girlfriend-to-be out of Melody. And the good part of me, the one that was helping me to be such a sweetheart for both of them all through the evening, wanted me to stay the little, lovely angel and give all my best wishes to the new couple. Still, in the corner of my mind, all I wanted to do was… running away.

- Mark…erm…- I started and then just sighed. – Can we talk about that tomorrow?

I looked at him and saw disappointment creeping up his face. He bent his head down and ran his fingers through his hair. Before he said anything, I kept on explaining myself.

- It’s just that I’m… I’m really tired right now and…

- It’s okay – he cut me mid- sentence. – I understand. We’ll talk about that tomorrow.

He smiled at me, but it was a sad smile. I knew he was dying to know what I thought of her. In some strange way he really cared for my opinion and I was letting him down.

I got up and walked to the door, the war of thoughts still going on strong in my head. Just as I laid my hand on the door handle I looked back at him, sitting there alone, disappointed and awfully sad. It was only this sight that made me walk up to him in a matter of seconds, kneel down in front of him, take his hands into mine, look into his eyes and get these words out of me.

- She’s perfect, Mark. She’s cute, she’s lovely and sweet, she’s pretty and smart. She makes you laugh, she makes your eyes shine and your face glow, she obviously makes you happy. If I’m right, if you feel good when she’s around, if you feel you really want to be with her, then I will be happy too.

I said all those things and surprised myself at the same time. As far as it was all true, it was also far more then I expected of myself to tell him. At this very moment I was giving him up to another girl, making all the chances I ever had with him, fade away. Just like that.

And somehow I couldn’t explain this joy that filled me after I told him how I felt about Mel. Maybe I was so content seeing his eyes welling up with unexplainable happiness? Or was it for his lips forming in a wide, joyful smile that made every girl’s heart melt on the spot?

I stopped my eyes from wandering all over his face and sighed again, just in the memory of my hopeless love for Mark. Then I stood up and patted his shoulder.

- I better go now. It’s late or should I say: early. Goodnight.- I smiled at him and turned around to walk out.

- Kate?- his silent whisper made me face him again and wait for whatever he wanted to tell me, with my heart beating madly and my hands shaking for no reason.

- You know I love ya, right?- he was looking at me, a little smile playing on his lips but not giving me any kind of hint that he was only joking. In fact, he was dead serious. I could sense that.

- Yeah, well…- I felt so embarrassed at this very moment. What should I tell him? That I loved him too? And wouldn’t that be giving myself away too much?

I opened the door and half way out of it, I managed to smile back at him.

- Sweet dreams, Mark.

Chapter 19

- That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!

- Tell me about it!

- And she even told him she’s happy for him! Oh PLEASE!

- Yeah, that was definitely the silliest thing she’s done so far!

- Excuse me, but I…

- Hey, don’t forget that “after-kiss-talk”!

- Yeah, that’s another nomination for “Kate’s worst moves” this year… OUCH! Why did ya throw that pillow at me?!

I couldn’t hide a little smile playing on my lips after I scored a perfect hit on An’s head with a pillow.

- I think I just had enough irony for today, thank you.

- Irony?- Agata shrugged. – Your photograph should be in Encyclopedia right next to the definition of the word “naïve”.

- Oh, funny. – I frowned, but Dorothy and Anya thought that Agata’s remark was hilarious. Their laughter made just feel more angry and uncomfortable. So much for my friends’ compassion.

- I’ll go for a walk. Don’t miss me. – I took my jacket from the bed and quickly headed for the door.

- Kate? We were just kidding, right..?- Dorothy’s voice was full of concern, but I didn’t stop. Just turned around and gave them a quick smile.

- I know. But you guys are right and I have to think it over. Later.- I closed the door behind me and leaned on it for a second. The truth was, there was already nothing to think about. I simply blew it last night and the miserable consequences of my brilliant speech about Melody now begun to haunt me. There was no way back now, I had to move on and forget about Mark. And to think it was only me who deprived myself of any chances to hit it off with him…

- Way to go Dorothy, you’ve hurt her!- I heard An’s half- accusing voice behind the door.

- Me?! And who came up with those ridiculous nominations?!

- Oh, stop it! You both are ridiculous yourselves!

- Look who’s talking! Miss Encyclopedia!

I smiled to myself before I walked off to the elevator. The girls’ sense of humor and never ending, playful fights were always making me feel better. Definitely much better then if they tried to comfort me. Still, a lonely walk down the streets of a big town always proved to be the best therapy of all.

With a war of thoughts in my head and a headache caused by it, I slowly dragged myself to the city center.

I loved the atmosphere of big cities: the rush, the crowds, even the noise. The feeling of anonymity that was so usual in cities like this, made me feel calmer and even a tad happier.

I watched people rushing in every possible direction, minding their own business, some lost in thoughts just as I was. I spotted some happy couples, hugging and kissing, smiling and talking and a feeling of bitterness shot through me. I slowly realized I WAS naïve the other night: just when the moment was right to be egoistic for a good cause, I did something unexplainable. But it felt right yesterday.

- Have I done the right thing, doggie?- I said out loud to a cute, small dog that begun wandering around my legs. He looked at me with his big, brown eyes and barked in response.

- That’s what I thought!- I laughed and bent to caress his hair.

- Is this your dog?- a familiar, cheerful voice resounded right behind me and I knew straight away who it belonged to.

I stood up and turned around just to see a not very tall figure standing right in front of me. She was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a funny t-shirt with the word “goddess” on it, her black, shoulder length hair flowed over her shoulders and her brown eyes were shining as she never stopped smiling.

- Oh, hi Melody.- I smiled at her too. – No, it’s not my dog, I was just making friends with him. – I joked and watched her as she let out a laugh.

- So, what are you doing here?- I questioned, my curiosity speaking through me.

I noticed that she blushed a little before answering .

- Oh, Mark asked me to meet him at the hotel. He said we could all go out again somewhere…- her voice softened and she glanced at me shyly.

- We all?- I was surprised and I couldn’t hide it. Did that mean he was dragging his new girlfriend along with his bunch of friends instead of taking her out for a romantic dinner for two?

- Yea, you know… Mark with you guys and…well, me- she acted so sweet, modest and shy, as if she wasn’t aware on how big influence she already had on Mark.

- That’s strange…- I admitted sincerely and watched her blushing again. I think she knew what I meant. Maybe she was wondering about that too..? At last going out with a bunch of nine people wasn’t exactly a perfect way to start off a new relationship between only two of them.

- It’s not, really.

I watched her in amazement. She was serious.

- Wouldn’t you prefer…umm… you know, going out with JUST Mark?- my puzzled expression made her a bit embarrassed again, but she quickly brushed it off and smiled.

- I know that you girls came here to meet up with them. Mark told me that you’re his best friend, and how you came to Germany just to spend some time with him after his granddad died. I think that’s really nice of you, you know?- a wide, sincere smile reappeared on her face and I returned it.

- …so… I think it’d be unfair to make him choose with whom he wants to spend his time with. Even if I really want to…umm… just get to know him a little bit better, you know?- she gave me a serious look and then added just as seriously. – I only got to know him but I already really care for him.

- I know. – I nodded and looked away.

She was a really smart girl though. I think she knew very well how I felt about Mark.

- Last night, when he was walking me back to my hotel… - she started and I felt sick. Not another sweet story about a boy and a girl saying their goodbyes after a romantic date..!

-… he was so hyper and he was constantly talking. About one person in particular…- she paused and I felt her gaze on me. What was that all about..?

- Yea? Who?- I asked innocently, blushing like mad and not even daring to look up.

- You, silly!- she began laughing. – You’re really special to him, you lucky girl!

I smiled to myself, but looked up at Melody at the same time to check if she wasn’t just being kind. She wasn’t. Honesty for honesty, I turned to her.

- …and the same thing refers to you…

Yesterday it seemed to me as if I was never going to be able to like a girl that managed to…well, sort of get between Mark and me. But at this moment I felt that it was almost impossible to dislike a girl like Melody.

So we became friends that day in Cologne, in spite of the bizarre situation we both were in. I guess that day we also sealed a kind of agreement to share Mark- each of us in her own, special way.

*** *** ***

- Hello?

- Have you seen that Westlife special on MTV last night? Didn’t I just look gorgeous?

I smiled to myself with the happiest smile I could ever produce and sprawled myself across the sofa, just as I always did when I was talking to Mark on the phone.

- Yeah, I’ve seen it and I was drooling like mad over you!- I joked and listened to Mark’s deep laughter at the other end. God, how I missed him.

- Ah, the effect I have on women!- his laughter continued freely, but just until I answered him in a suggestive tone.

- You certainly have one on me… - I knew I promised myself, Melody and Mark to keep this kind of feelings just for myself, but there were times when I couldn’t help it…

- Kate…- Mark sighed deeply and I felt guilty straight away.

- I know, I know… I’m sorry.

For a few seconds silence feel between us. I hated moments like this. Sometimes I couldn’t do anything about the fact, that I was longing for Mark so much it hurt. So I was saying those little, silly things that never meant to mean much but had a special significance for me, those small things that were making Mark feel uncomfortable and that were driving Melody crazy.

- It’s just…- Mark started his speech again, the one I heard so many times before. He was talking like a teacher to a stubborn child, that kept on repeating its mistakes. – Kate, we agreed on that one. You know how Melody feels about that. She became very jealous of you… You don’t even know what kind of looks she’s giving me when I’m calling you. Please don’t make it worse…

I was flipping through the channels as I was listening to Mark. I tried to watch at least one of the programmes, just not to let things get to me as hard as they did, but I gave up when my vision became all blurry.

- Whatever Mark.- I mumbled, hoping that my voice still sounded normal after my cheeks got all wet because of the tears.

- You know what was our last fight about?-Mark continued, upset.

- You still fight after 6 months?- I asked ironically, but it made Mark even more angry.

- Stop it with the irony, Kate. We wouldn’t fight if it wasn’t for… - he cut himself mid sentence, but it was enough for me.

- …if it wasn’t for me, right?- I said sarcastically and just sighed when he didn’t answer. – Fair enough, Mark. Have a happy life. Bye.

I turned off the phone not even giving him a chance to answer back. What for anyway? I already knew what he’d say.

I took a remote and flipped through a few more channels, trying to tell myself all I really wanted to do right now was watching TV. But, in spite of all the effort I’ve put in holding back the tears, they finally flooded my eyes and I simply buried my face in a pillow. Where was my friend when I needed him most..?

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