When a child loses someone that they were close to and depended on, such as a parent or grandparent, they often feel abandoned. They may feel that it was their fault. That somehow, they caused it to happen.
How a child reacts to a loss depends heavily on the reaction of those around them. The loss is important to them because it is important to us. It upsets them because it upsets us. They see our reactions and mirror them, sometimes magnifying them. They have a hard time understanding the finality of the loss and may ask questions like "Why won't he/she come back?" , "If I go away, will they come back?" , "If I promise to/never to ..... again, will you make them come back?"
Children react to how the adults in their lives react to loss. Their sense of security and insecurity are driven by the reactions and behavior of those around them.
Children also may have short attention spans about the event. They may hear something that is very upsetting to them, and yet, with only a little distraction, end up playing or engaging in other activities as though nothing important has happened. That's because it did not happen to them and does not affect them at that very moment.
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When you are trying to help a child understand the loss:
- Get your own feelings and thoughts straight
- Think not only about what you want to say, but also about how you want it to come across.
- Find opportunities to ask what's on the child's mind, what they're thinking or feeling.
- Recognize the clues in a childs art, play or conversations with friends.
- Acknowledge feelings: Share your feelings, but always be strong.
- Respect the growing ability of school-age children and teens to understand issues, and be honest with them.
- Do not burden the child with more than they should reasonably have to face.
- Protect your child's right to react like a child.
- Speak to them in a calm and reassuring voice and manner.
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