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Jose and the Elves
By
Ian Brazee-Cannon
Jose awoke from his stupor. He blinked a
few times before
he was able to recognize his own bedroom. It hurt his head to try
and think, which was nothing new for him. He was unable to
remember
any of the events from the night before.
"I gotta stop sniffing all those used jock
straps," Jose said
to himself.
"A disgusting habit to be sure," a voice said
from behind him.
"What the?" Jose turned to face the voice.
Floating above Jose's bed was an antique
mirror with a flowery
copper frame. Instead of Jose or a reflection of the room, there
was a bored looking face staring back at him.
"You don't remember anything do you?" The face
in the mirror
asked.
"What's going on here?" Jose said as stupidly
as he says anything
else.
"I am what you gained in the trade."
"Trade?" Jose paused to think about
this. It was very painful
for him to do. "I remember little freak guys."
"Yes, the elves and their cousins the
underwear gnomes."
Jose stood dumbfounded, looking at the
mirror. His normal
look of cluelessness covered his face.
"Elves? Underwear gnomes?"
"Yes, you traded your penis to the elves for
me," The mirror
replied with a tone of annoyance.
"What the fuck?"
"See for yourself."
Jose grabbed himself, a gesture that came as
2nd nature to him.
A look of panic covered his face when he felt nothing there.
Jose ran to the bathroom and dropped his
pants. Looking
in the mirror he saw only a smooth spot with a small hole in, where his
penis used to be.
"It's really gone," Jose mumbled. He
then fell to the floor
and started crying like a little girl, which was a common position for
him to be found in.
"You are a pathetic creature aren't you," the
mirror remarked.
" And now I have to follow you around for all of your days. I do
ask that you go and kill yourself as soon as you are able."
Just then the sounds of someone entering the
bedroom could be
heard.
"Joser, you there?" Asked a familiar voice.
"Mike's here," Jose said looking up and taking
his thumb out
of his mouth. "He'll know what to do. He's much more smarter and
stuff than I am." Although Jose knew that was not saying much.
Jose pulled his pants up enough to be able to
walk out to see
Mike.
"What are you doing?" Asked Mike when he saw
Jose walking out
of the bathroom.
"I gotta show you what's in my pants," Jose
said as he started
to drop his pants again.
"I've told you before, I am not interested in
you in that way,"
Mike replied. "Keep those pants on or I'm out of here."
"But the elves took my penis and left with
this stupid talking
mirror," Jose said as he gestured to the mirror.
"What mirror?" Mike asked.
"The big stupid copper thing with the face on
it that does not
reflect but talks instead."
"You've been sniffing used jock straps again,"
Mike said. "I
think I'll have to call for another intervention. This is just
getting
too sad for words."
Jose turned to the mirror. "Why can't he see
you?"
"Only you can see me dumbass."
"Don't call me dumbass!"
"I didn't call you anything," Mike replied.
"No the mirror did," Jose replied. "It has a
bad attitude."
"Sure," Mike said sarcastically. "Well I'm
going. You need
to get some rest man. You're starting to scare me."
"But, but, but, but..." Jose said stupidly as
Mike left. "How
am I going to get my penis back?"
"That your problem," Mike yelled from the
hallway.
Jose stood looking stupider than he normally
does, which is saying
a lot. He dropped his pants again and started to feel around in
the
area where his penis used to be.
"No feeling at all, dammit," Jose said after
he had rubbed the
area really hard. "I can't get myself off any more. My life is
ruined."
"You were getting yourself off too much," the
mirror remarked.
"That was why the elves took it. Your penis had been crying out for
help
for some time now."
"What?"
"When a penis is abused as much as yours was
it starts to call
for help," The mirror explained. "It is a little hard to explain all
the
details of it."
"What are they going to do with it?"
"Well, since it has never been in woman since
birth, it has a
lot of magical energy to it. It will serve as a powerful totem in
some elaborate ceremony."
"Hey, I've had plenty of women," Jose said in
defense.
"Getting off on centerfolds does not count as
sex with women,"
the mirror replied.
"But..How...I don't...You can't..." Jose
mumbled like an idiot,
which was one of his better skills.
"I can only speak the truth, that is part of
how I know everything,"
the mirror explained. "It's my selling point."
"Why would I do such a stupid trade?"
"First off it was not stupid," The
mirror said. "You were
getting no real use out of your penis, just abusing it all the
time.
And I can be of use to you. I will always be floating just a few feet
above
your head until the day you die. I can give you all kinds of good
advice. And second, you were stoned off of used jock straps. The
elves had their cousins, the underwear gnomes hunt down some really
nasty
pairs that had been used by football players years ago and left in
their
lockers to rot. It was really nasty stuff. You seemed to
enjoy
it though."
"I do remember it was some good straps
smelling,' Jose remarked
with a smile on his face.
"So listen kid, are you ready to do us both a
favor and end it
all?" The mirror asked.
"But, I want to live."
"No you don't," the mirror replied coldly.
"You know your life
is a waste and that you will achieve nothing. No one loves you
and
the few friends you have only stick with you out of pity. You are
the most pathetic creature on the face of the planet."
"I am?" Jose tried to think, more pain.
"That can't be
true."
"I told you I can only speak the truth," the
mirror reminded
Jose. "Do you know anyone else who considers themselves to have taken a
shower after they piss on themselves? Or does anyone you know of
enjoy jumping up and down on their bike when it is missing the
seat?
And you do know that only dogs are suppose to drink from the toilet?
"I could go on and on for days if you wish,
but I am already
bored with you and want this all to be over with."
Jose stood and thought for a while. Sweat rolled down his
face due to all the energy it was taking for him to form thoughts of
any
kind. He was fighting the great pain that was caused by all the
strain
he was putting on his feeble brain.
Finally he had to remember to breathe again
and he lost his train
of thought.
After Jose caught his breath he looked up at
the mirror and said,
"I don't like you. And I'm going to spend the rest of my life doing
everything I can to upset you."
"No, wait," the mirror said in a panic. "Don't
you see that it
would be best to just end it all now and not have to suffer your
pathetic
life?"
"No, I don't," Jose replied. "I want a drink."
Jose turned and headed into the bathroom.
"No, this is just too gross!" The mirror
yelled as Jose kneeled
down at the toilet and started to drink. "It hasn't been flushed in
days!"
The End
