DorffDay2k/T2K Results

Last Mile

Last Battle

DorffDay2K (November 11, 2000) dawned typically cool and clear in the city of Long Beach, California. But this would be no ordinary day. Thrice this day were ushered in wonderful things: Dorff's 100th marathon, Dorff's 40th birthday party, and the first Terminator competition in a decade. Thousands would take part in the marathon. Scores would partake in the DorffDay2K festivities. And 15 (a new record) would compete head to head in T2K. Truly the new millennium had arrived.

Dorff finished his 100th marathon just before his goal time of 3:30. Despite cramping in the last few miles, he was urged onward by a four-man escort for the last mile, as well as friends along the course and at the end. Somersaulting across the finish line, he rushed off to Ric's party RV where a quick shower rejuvenated him. A growing throng made quick work of a huge supply of Cuban food catered by Havana Mania of Redondo Beach.

Despite strong "No Gifts" urging, many people generously brought thoughtful presents. Two of these were presented publicly:

"Domani" Sheltman (above) represented Team NancyBoy and presented two custom-built Bicycling accessories. The first, a GLOBAL BIKE HELMET, featured a motorized Dorffist display (blue jeans, super glue, rubber bands, duct tape, with pizza and coke), an automatic Advil dispenser, a foreign-language phrasebook holder, and a zeppelin with changeable Dorffisms ("Is that all you got?", "Let's ride another hundred miles", "Last one to 7-11 buys the chili-cheese dogs", etc.). Second was a handlebar-mounted ,scissor-arm extending, motorized arm-waving device used to "pass" another rider by getting further ahead, a combat tactic perfected by Dorff in the late 1900s. All this on a custom-made base with a hamburger bike bell.

The dreaded "old-guy" barbs would have been carefully sidestepped had it not been for Dorff's nemesis, Keith-Dawg. Producing a hot-rod flamed walker (above) replete with Ensure pudding, Depends undergarments, and Male Potency vitamins, Keith-Dawg returned the dreaded 40's volley fired at him by Dorff SO VERY MANY YEARS AGO.

Even before battle, several Terminator vehicles caught the crowd's attention, none more than Team Adam/Eric:

Team Sean/Mike looked intimidating as well:

Ric looked good, but never moved an inch and was unable to compete:

Then just after 1 PM, the newest (and what would turn out to be the most controversial) Terminator competition began.

Battle #1: Curly and Chris K had their names drawn first. Chris, a recent university-schooled toy designer, Mark, a seasoned veteran of the toy biz. Chris' overly-themed but under-armored vegetable robot took some serious abuse from Curly's whirling basher. Their battle lasted the full 5 minutes after which Curly won with a speedy Death Joust.

Battle #2: Tregs and Team Tyler/Cody went next. Despite aerosol insulating foam, an overcenter trap jaw, an armored tether and two professional toy designer degrees, Team Tyler/Cody met with misfortune when battling the ruthless Treginator's clamping flare claw and simulated blood drippin's. They took it like men. No Death Joust needed, thanks.

Battle #3: Dorff battles Andrew: these two tired marathoners summoned their remaining energy reserves to battle in the Terminator arena. Andrew had a formidable-looking drill spinning on the front of his 'bot, but it was quickly immobilized when Dorff's "Air Mail" fired a 5-foot square nylon net and ensnared him. The net tangled in the treads, and Dorff moved in for the tread-melting kill.

Battle #4: Team Adam/Eric versus Team Bman/Eric: In this brief battle, the "creative loophole finding" encouraged in the rules was stretched to ludicrous limits. Team Adam/Eric's pre-battle favorite Chrome Skull Chainsaw battled a last-minute entry from Bman/Eric which was comprised of two completely seperate vehicles, one stacked on top of the other, driven by seperate drivers. Calling their upper vehicle a "projectile" (projectiles allowed, but not specifically defined in the rules), they "launched their projectile" by driving the upper, fully armored and impenetrable vehicle off, and the match degenerated into a two-on-one flare meltfest with team Adam/Eric getting melted from two sides in short order. The court was not pleased in this application, but since apparently no rules had been broken, the results were accepted.

Battle #5: Only Jimbo's bot remained (Team Sean/Mike had yet to arrive) unbattled, so it was decided that Jimbo and Curly should form a team to make for a fair-er competition against Team Bman/Eric. It was not meant to be. Jimbo's untried robot malfunctioned from the start, and was of no help to Curly as Team Bman/Eric dogpacked him. Oh, the humanity...

Battle #6: Just Tregs and Dorff remained to battle Team Bman/Eric. After seeing battle #5, Dorff decided that his best shot was to battle Bman/Eric alone in hopes to ensnare them together with his nylon net. Alas, Dorff's own "can't fire your projectile for 5 seconds" rule worked against him and the Dogpack stack was upon him within seconds. The net, aimed for 6 feet away, sailed over the pair and he was defenseless. It was just a matter of time...

Battle #7: The Dogpack stack versus Tregs, the sole survivor now. Challenged to go it alone, Bman did step up to the plate and ditch the armored "projectile". Tregs managed to clamp his flare claw around Bman, where it stayed for a time. Then both bots accidentally left the arena. A time out was called to move them back into the arena, when the claw was dislodged from Bman. Both vehicles suffered stripping gears and clutches during the remaining few minutes. At 5 minutes, the battle was over and all that remained was Death Joust. However, extensive repairs were necessarily done to both vehicles for the final sprint. In Death Joust, clutch slipage caused Tregs to veer off course while Bman drove a perfect line to the opposite corner. Numerous turboturns were used by both parties during this "final" match, but it was the fairest and least disputable of all of Bman's battles.. His vehicle reflected the light & fast strategy. His minimal armor was just small vertical wires to keep flares away from his treads.

Battle #8: Team Sean/Mike showed up after all the battles with their aluminum beauty, and again Bman agreed to battle alone. Sean/Mike's bot featured a rotating flare arm on top, a powerful aluminum claw in front, and lots of aluminum armor for protection. They could raise and lower their armor for momentary protection of their treads. In battle, however, the faster, more maneuverable Bman did best Sean/Mike's beast, bearing out the "Keep it simple" principle, and Bman was officially declared the winner.

Cake among Carnage: The Terminator closing ceremony included a hearty rendition of "Happy Birthday" to marathon medal wearing Dorff as he sat cutting his birthday cake in the still-smoking Terminator arena surrounded by melted vehicles.