Sighing heavily, Rupert shifted on the couch, sleep not even an option but rather quiet contemplation. He stared at the glass sitting on the table in front of him, empty now except for a few cubes of ice. He had a dull ache in his head, his last drink having been an hour ago. He had run out of alcohol. He had been drinking quite a bit in the last few days.

Rubbing his eyes he picked up the sheet of paper from the table in front of him and looked it over yet again, having read the letter so many times now that the paper had become worn, the ink smudged.

It was supposed to have brought him relief. And on some level it did.

But there was another part of him that would forever feel a sense of guilt and sadness and anger.

It should have never come to this, never have gone this far.

He reread the letter again, wanting to at least be comforted by the fact that in her having written him, she was alive and presumably, hopefully well.
 

Giles

I’m writing this letter to let you know that I’m alive and for the most part well, but not to start a pen pal correspondance. I plan on keeping as far from Sunnydale as I possibly can. That part of my life I left behind and have no desire to ever visit again.

Much of what happened in the last few days that I was there are pretty jumbled and I am not spending any time trying to figure out and remember all that happened, which I’m sure you understand. The little that I do remember is about you, and how you were there for me, especially that first night. I just wanted to tell you Thank you. Thank you for doing all that you did for me. Don’t think that you could have done more for me than you did, you did all you could do considering everything that was going on and my pulling disappearing acts left and right. I hope you understand why I had to do what I did, why I couldn’t just wait around there. I couldn’t stay in that town one more night, I couldn’t stay there one more minute. I honestly believe that if I hadn’t left that night, it would have been the end of me, whether it was from losing my mind or Faith killing me, I just wouldn’t have survived.

I do hope that all the others are okay. I won’t hazard a guess as to  what their reactions to my situation were, at this point and time it doesn’t really matter, but I hope that they are not using me as an excuse to do anything stupid as far as going after the Mayor or Faith, especially Xander. Acting stupid is exactly what the mayor wants, and I don’t want any of you getting killed in my name so to speak. Don’t give that to mayor and don’t do that to me. The opportunity to stop him and Faith will present itself, and when it does you’ll know it.

My lawyers tell me that the case of my parents’ deaths has been titled as ‘unsolved’ which is I guess all I can ask for. We know Faith killed them, but the Mayor planted enough doubt for people to think that my father really did snap and kill my mother and himself. It doesn’t matter what people think, I know the truth and that’s what I am left with, left to deal with.

Actually, I’m dealing with a lot of things, not all of which I will mention, but for some reason this I have to say. I’m sorry I didn’t kill Faith. I’m sorry that my being weak prevented me from ridding this world of that cruel, evil thing. After everything she did, knowing that she is capable of such horrible things, I’m sorry that I didn’t kill her if not for my parents, then for all of you. She’s the mayor’s killer, Giles, she’ll come after any of you in a heartbeat and not even think about the consequences or the pain she’s inflicting. I don’t want any of the others or you to go through what I have. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.

I know it’s pointless to tell you this, but don’t worry about me, don’t brood or ponder, or muse, or play what if because there is no need to. I’m dealing, as best I can I’m dealing with what has happened and what I am left with. Nobody and nothing can make this better for me, except me and that is what I am trying to do. It isn’t easy, and some days I don’t even want rise out of it, but just let take me and drown me and let it be over. But then I realize that that’s not what my parents would want, that they would want me to be the Chase that I am and not let anyone or anything break me. I have to try, I have try for myself and for my parents and for the Chase family honor. It’s all left to me, I’m the only one who’s left.

Take care of yourself Giles. You’re a good man. If you can get out of that town and away from all that evil, do it, do it now, do it quickly before it finally catches up with you. I know you won’t because of Buffy and your duty to her, but still I thought I would ask. I would hate to know that the life you are leading now is all that you will ever have, because you deserve more, you deserve better and it is out there waiting for you. It’s out there waiting for all of us. Or I at least hope that it is.
 

Cordelia Chase