I stood outside of her house, the tattered postcard of Hollywood in my hand, my heart beating wildly. I hadn't warned her I was coming, I hadn't told anyone. But then again, who had I to tell? I had no one. My life was in shambles, and I was utterly and completely alone. As the Zeppo, I had finally lived up to my name.

My girlfriend had died, and with the death of Buffy, our lives fell apart in Sunnydale. In an attempt to come to terms with the truth, Willow and Oz broke up and went their separate ways, Giles went back to England, and me, well, I just kind of got forgotten about.

I was used to it by then. When the gang all went to college, suddenly I didn't fit as well as I had before. With their college parties and sororities, and Willow and Oz being so inseparable. We knew by then that they were boinking like rabbits, and they just pretty much liked to seclude themselves as much as possible. Buffy and I became best friends again, the kind that could share everything, and we would just hang out, just being friends.

She told me about Angel, and I told her about Cordelia, and we talked about our first loves, and how much we missed them. I think, in reality, we were a little afraid. Afraid of what might happen with the two of them over in Los Angeles, working together so closely.

And then the thing that we were so afraid of happening to them, happened to us. Buffy fell in love with me, she cherished me, she actually appreciated me.  And we were together for two long years.. , until  I lost her.

I was numb after that. After all, it was me that was the closest to Buffy, me that held her in my arms, and loved her as much as I could. And I couldn't save her. No one could of saved her.

I was a failure. I was a failure, an absolute nothing. The way everyone looked at me back in Sunnydale, with that pity, and then they'd look away, I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to get away.

But I had nowhere to go. My friends who had been held together by the fragile life of a blonde Slayer, were broken apart. I had no one.

And then as I was packing up my things to go to some non existent place where I couldn't hurt anymore, I picked up a postcard.

This tattered Hollywood postcard, scrawled by Cordelia, with a small note saying Happy Birthday and a smiley face at the end of her name. I remember turning it over, looking at it, feeling it as if I had been seeing it for the first time.

And as my fingers moved over the creases and the folds of the postcard, I began to remember the memories that had been covered up by my Buffy.

"Look at you." She stood, shaking her head as she glared at me.  "Where on earth did you even manage to buy those things?"

I gave her a confused look. "What?" I asked, glancing down.

"That, that .. monstrosity that you call a sweater." She said, pointing a red fingernail at my sweater.

My eyebrow furrowed. "What are you talking about? This is cool!"

"Where, Alaska?" She snapped.  I looked away, slightly hurt. Even though at  the beginning of our relationship, Cordelia had been sometimes downright cruel about what I wore, she had stopped. It didn't seem like her to start her bitchiness again.

I sighed, shaking my head as I gave her  resigned look, not wanting to get into another argument with my ex girlfriend who was now my platonic friend.. "Cor...."

"It needs something." She said, nodding firmly.  My look was one of bewilderment.

"It does?"

"Mmhmm." She confirmed, and then suddenly the hands that she was hiding behind her back came out, and she produced a jacket.

My eyes widened. It was the exact jacket I had been eyeing in the store for months, never having the money to buy it. I had never told anyone about it, I didn't even-

"What? How did you-"

Seeing my expression, her smile grew wider, as she leaned forward, pressing it into my hands.  "What, you don't think I pay attention? For a while I thought you wanted to marry this thing. I didn't need the money for my prom dress anymore, so I bought this instead."

I still wasn't quite able to comprehend. "You bought this? For me?"

She nodded, "Well, I figured since you went and saved my life and all of Sunnydale from that demon mayor, AGAIN, I owed you a little something." She whispered, scrunching her nose as she grinned that cute grin of hers.

I looked at her for a minute, and found myself smiling back. "Well, you know." I said, wryly, feeling a blush creep over my cheeks.  "It wasn't like I did much, Buffy-"

"Would have been mince meat if you hadn't distracted that guy, and you know it, Mr. Kamakazi." I looked down, suddenly feeling shy. Cordelia never acted like this, she was never so .... understanding, or grateful.

"It's a good-bye present, Xander." she suddenly said, her smile faltering.

I gave her a shocked look. "What?"

"I'm leaving Sunnydale. My parents can't afford to take care of me," She shrugged, her eyes distant as she tried to pretend like she didn't care, even when the brightness in her eyes betrayed her emotion.  "I'm moving to LA, you know me the drama queen. I figured maybe I could make a career out of it."

My heart had suddenly felt like lead. "Oh, Cor." I whispered, starting to reach for her, but she stepped back.

"Look, all that stuff I said, you know after the break up, I never meant, Xander." She said quickly, her eyes watering. "You're not a Zeppo, you never were." She shook her head when I opened my mouth to speak. "Xander, if I don't say this, trust me, I never will. You're the reason everyone believes in themselves, and I was lucky to have you."

The silence that followed was deafening to me, because it was quickly drowned out by the beating of my heart.

"Cord, *I* was the lucky one. You don't know how sorry I am that I blew it like I did."

There must have been some sort of sincerity in my voice, because suddenly she wiped away a tear and smiled softly at me.

"You are such a moron." She whispered, smiling as she slid her arms around my neck, and actually hugging me. "I don't know why I even bothered with you."

And I smiled, knowing she didn't mean a word of it. "Because I'm your hero." I whispered back.

"You wish." She muttered. And then we stared into each others eyes, and we both knew what was going to happen, and neither of us tried to stop it.  And I leaned down, and she leaned up and  she kissed me, and I lost all coherent thought as I wrapped the jacket around her shoulders and held her close.

Damn I loved her.

And I don't know how it happened, but I had landed here. In front of her doorstep, hoping vainly that she hadn't moved, hadn't gone away, and even worse, had heard about what had happened and blamed me too.

I couldn't take that. She had been one of the few people who had ever really believed in me. And I needed that. I felt like I was going to go crazy with out it.

And yet I couldn't get my feet to move up to her doorstep. What if she was married? What if she had met some guy and completely forgot about us?

She was even semi famous, doing commercials and stuff, and making a pretty good living out of it. It was almost like she had transcended us. That postcard was over a year old.

And I swallowed, digging my hands in my jacket, still on my back after all these years.  I was too afraid, too nervous, too full of terrible memories and emptiness to do anything but just stand there, staring.

I stood there, staring for what seemed like hours, when a curtain fluttered, and a second later, the door burst open.

Cordelia stood there, her hair long and wavy, her pants snug and black, her tank top a teal color, but I hardly took any of that. All I noticed was her face. It was shock, hopeful shock.

"Xander?" She whispered, blinking again as if she didn't really believe it could be me. "Oh, Xander." And her face cocked, her eyes watered, and I knew then that she knew. My chest constricted, I felt suddenly foolish. I shouldn't have come, I knew it. Panic seized me and just as I began to turn to flee, she ran down the steps and pulled me close.

Without thinking I slid my arms around her and held her furiously close, not daring to let go, not daring to question. I tried to say something but all that came out was a sob.

And she held me tighter, raising her head to look at my flushed face.  "I was going to go find you." She whispered.

And I almost broke down right there and then. Relief coursed through my veins, and for a moment, joy betrayed itself in me as I felt her hug me again, her heart beating, her form trembling.

"I'm sorry , Cor." I said hoarsely. "I had nowhere else to go."

"It's okay, Xander." She said, her voice uncharacteristically soft. "Come inside." And she grabbed my bags, and my hand, and pulled me up the stairs and into her home.

And as the door closed behind me, I felt something that I hadn't felt since the last time Buffy had held me in her arms.

I felt safe.

For the first day, I slept the whole time. She hadn't said a word to me, simply told me she knew, and then her lips trembled and she looked away, and then she looked at me, wiped my tears away, and told me to get some rest.

I didn't' think I could. But then when I fell on the bed, and breathed in her scent, I felt my eyes close, and I had blanked out, just like that.

I woke up and it was dark. Someone had taken off my jacket and my shoes, laying them beside the bed neatly. I got up, and got my first real look at Cordelia's room. It was sparse, but tastefully furnished, just like Cordy. I felt myself smile for half a second, before thoughts of Buffy filled my mind, and my grief overwhelmed me yet again.

Sliding off the bed, I walked to the door, suddenly feeling the need to see my only friend. I stopped when I heard voices, and then my heart stopped when I realized whose it was. Angel's and Cordelia's.

"How is he?"

"A mess." She responded softly, her voice a soft whisper. "God, Angel, he just went to bed and he just, conked out, it was like he was dead or something."

There was a pause then, and then Angel continued. "Cordelia." His voice was hoarse for a minute, "Do you think it's wise? Him staying with you?"

I felt myself freeze, not daring even to breath.

"I'm all he has, Angel." She said matter -of -factly.  "Everyone else deserted him, left him alone. Even you? what did you say when you first found out?"

He was silent, but she continued. "Yeah, remember? Where the hell was Xander? You were gonna blame him, weren't you? If I hadn't found out-"

"Cor, hon, I don't want to talk about it, really." His voice trembled for a minute, and when I peaked I saw that she had her arms around him, he was hugging her. I felt my heart leaden for a minute, and I looked away.

"I know you still loved her." She whispered, kissing the top of his head. "It's okay, Angel. We only... that night that we... it wasn't... It wasn't about sex, even if it happened. It was about friendship. Come on, dead guy, I'm not in love with you either, not that way, you know that."

They stared into each others eyes, and I inadvertently coughed. Suddenly Angel looked up, and his eyes locked with mine. He stiffened immediately, and straightened away from Cordelia, who merely let him go, her eyes wide with concern.

"How'd you sleep, Xand?" She asked quickly.

"Like someone had knocked me out."  I answered, not taking my eyes off of Angel. Angel gazed at me right back, and finally stood.

"Xander." he said after a minute, and when I looked into his eyes, I saw they were red.  And for a second, I finally felt sympathy for the guy. I could tell he still loved Buffy, and it was eating him up inside. Just like me. Always like me.

"I'm gonna go." He said, and then he turned and kissed Cordelia on the cheek and left. I watched him go in bewildering silence, my eyes wide as I looked Cordelia in the seconds that followed.

She saw my gaze and rolled her eyes. "No, you moron, it's not like that." She said immediately.

I swallowed, looking away.  "It's none of my business." I said, my voice low. When I looked up away, her face of annoyance was now replaced with one of concern.

"Sit down, Xander." She said immediately. "Let me get you some coffee."

I sat down, my hands flat against the counter surface. She turned away, and I stared at a picture on the refrigerator.  It was of our Christmas party, one that Cordelia had stopped by for a couple of years ago. We were all together, and I was there, one arm wrapped around Cordelia and one around Buffy.  They both were leaning into me, smiling widely, Cordelia appeared to be laughing.

I got up to take a look at the picture. Buffy was leaning her head against my shoulder, and at that moment, I could feel her, breathe in her scent, hear her words against me.

Oh, God.

"Xander." A hand landed on my shoulder, and quickly pressed in harder. "Oh, god, Xander, you're shaking." Cordelia pulled me to the table, sat me down, kneeling in front of me.  "Look at me." She said firmly.  "Look at me." I finally did, and she winced when she realized just how red my eyes were.  I could barely hear, my eyes were searing from unshed tears.

Her hands covered mine, and she squeezed. "Xander. You can stay here as long as you want, okay?" She said after a minute. "As long as you need, you can be here. I know you're hurting, okay? And I'm not asking you to talk to me, or anything, but know that I'm here, okay?" She looked at me, her voice husky, but I could only nod ever so slightly.  She bit her lip, and got up.

"You probably want to be alone." She said after a minute. "I know I did when my mother died." She swallowed, and then turned to the refrigerator. I looked at her in panic. I didn't want her to leave, I needed her to be here, but somehow I couldn't get the words together to tell her so. She turned back and handed me something in my hand.

"I have an audition for a Spree commercial." She shrugged. "It's a candy, but hell, it pays the bills, right? I'll be back." She bit her lip again, as if she was going to say something else and stopped herself, and then she left.

I watched her go in beseeching silence. In the quiet that she had left, I finally realized what she had pushed into my hand. It was the picture of three of us at the party. I felt my shoulders start shaking and I quickly stifled them, not allowing myself to cry when I finally realized what she had done.

She had folded herself out, leaving only  me and Buffy to smile at the camera.

 I was watching television mindlessly when she returned. It was premium cable, so I was watching The Matrix. I found myself cocking my head as I studied Trinity. The way she kicked butt reminded me so much of Buffy I had to change the channel. I figured I was much safer watching an old rerun of dukes of hazzard.

The door opened, and she came in, for a moment unnoticing as I watched her. I had never really stopped to think about it, but as I watched her come in, she was still so beautiful. Her hair was longer, and today it was blown straight, so that it framed her face in soft wisps.

And she had grown up. I looked back at the television. I had missed her.

"How did it go?" I asked, my voice low. She noticed me then, and smiled, when I looked up I saw her eyes shining.

I felt myself feel the urge to smile. At least she was happy.

"I got it." She said, sitting next to me, crossing her legs.

"Really?" I could only manage a half smile, but it was a geniune one. "That's great."

She shrugged. "Yeah, it's okay." Her smile gave back, and her eyes sparkled again. "Damn, Xander, it's just like two seconds, but it's a national ad! At it'll be airing for a year. That means tons of money in my pocket."

"Congrats, Cordy. You deserve it."

"Well, duh!" She kidded, falling silent next  to me. "How are you?" She asked after a minute.

I wish she'd stop asking me that. "Cordelia, how do you think I am?" I snapped, regretting my malicious tone as soon as it escaped me.

"I'm sorry." I said immediately, when she had leaned away from me.

"Yeah, it's okay." She said tonelessly.  Getting up, she patted my shoulder awkwardly. "It's late, I'm going to bed.  I set up the guest bed up, so ... goodnight."  I cursed myself, she had regressed into her Cordy shell.

"Cordy!" I felt the words come out of my throat, and she stopped turning back to look at me.  I searched my mind for what I had been going to say to her.  "You're not gonna snap back?" I teased desperately, the joke turning lame when she only studied me.

Crossing her arms, her mouth tightened. "You mean am I gonna kick you when your down?" She clarified. "No, Xander, I'm not. Good night."

I couldn't sleep. Every time I even ventured to close my eyes, suddenly Buffy's face would come to me, seconds before she died, the pleading in them, the haunting agony as she whispered ever so slightly, "Xander???"

Oh, God. I sat up, and ripped off my sweat soaked t-shirt. I was going to go crazy. I couldn't sleep, because I would see her, and I would remember that I failed. I couldn't keep my best friend alive. I couldn't keep everyone together, like she had asked me too, and I couldn't even keep myself sane.

Oh, God. Closing my eyes, I forced myself to lie back down, but I couldn't stay still. I couldn't even breathe. My eyes floated to the hallway, and without thinking, I swung my trembling legs off the bed, wrapping my arms around my body as my feet carried me the room across the hall.

The door opened with a squeak, but she didn't stir.  My eyes burned with unshed tears, my throat was full, and yet, watching her sleep so soundly, in her satin night gown, arms thrown haphazardly, like some uncaring angel, I was able to breathe again.

Soundlessly I walked to the edge of the bed, shivering all the more from the cold wooden floor. And I just stared beseechingly, trying to open my mouth, trying to speak, and not daring to say a word for fear that I would lose all semblence of control and sob.

I stood there for what must have been ten minutes, and suddenly her eyes drifted open, and her sleepy face stilled for a second when it floated in my direction.

"Xander?" She asked huskily, questioning.

And I gulped, crossing my arms tighter, my eyes wide, feeling like a child, and desperately needing to say something, anything, but I couldn't, all I managed was, "Cor."

It came out mangled, torn, and she only looked at me, her face unreadable for a second. I think she was trying to figure out what I wanted from her, and hell, I don't think I knew, I just knew she could give it to me.

And suddenly, without a word, she lifted the blanket from the bed, moving over.

"Come here, Xander." She said firmly. I obeyed immediately, crawling under the covers. She slid her arms around my shaking body, holding me tightly. I held her desperately, not speaking, just feeling her.

"It's okay." She whispered, one hand smoothing down the back of my head. "It's okay, Xander."  And my eyes closed as her lips landed once softly on my forehead.  "Go to sleep, okay?"

I nodded, not sure how I would accomplish such a feat. But then time passed, and she drifted off again, and as I felt her body against me, her chest rising and falling, I suddenly felt my trembling still, and before I knew it, I had closed my eyes, and I was asleep.

It had been three months since I had moved in with Cordelia, and we had begun to have some sort of weird living arrangement. We never brought up the fact that we were once together, and we never brought up Buffy, we just sort of... lived together. She was gone alot, either fighting demons with Angel and that Doyle guy, or off auditioning for stuff. But she would come home everyday with some sort of take out and a movie, and then no matter what time of day it was, we would sit in front of the television, pop in the video, and watch it together. Usually she was so tired she would fall asleep in my lap.

It was then probably that I was able to feel real peace.  With Cordelia's head in my lap, her arms resting on my legs, her breathing soft and feathering on my arm, I could finally breath.  It was then that I allowed myself to cry, to grieve for Buffy, for what had happened to all of us.

I would watch her, my hands running through her silky hair, looking so peaceful and beautiful, and wonder then exactly why she was still putting up with me. I had become a living zombie, I would never  really talk to her, I would just stare at her. And I know that I was frustrating her. I knew that she wanted to do something, say something, but wouldn't say it. She would simply just chatter endlessly, and then stop when she couldn't think of anything to say. Then she would kiss me on my temple, say she was going to bed, and then wait for me.

She would wait for me, because she knew that it was only at nights, when I couldn't sleep, that I would ever really allow her to comfort me. It had become another ritual, I walked, trembling to her room, and she would be waiting, the blanket raised so I could slip underneath the covers. Then she would hold me until I stopped trembling, and she would sleep, and I would just hold her.

She had no idea how much I needed her, how much I had become to depend on her. I know she probably didn't understand exactly how much she was helping me, I don't even think she even thought she was, until she came into my room and saw the photo. I had unfolded it, kept it straight and on my pillow, trying to keep the crease from folding back and hiding her again.

She didn't say anything to me about that, but I knew that she found it, because after that she didn't look so frustrated after that.  I think she knew the truth before I did.

I was healing, because she believed in me.

"Cordy?" She was asleep on my lap, and I had to stroke her hair to get her to look at me.   "Cor?"

"Mmm?" She asked, opening one eye sleepily.

I swallowed, looking at her. "I was wondering." I said, my throat dry. "If maybe I could go and help you and Angel."

Her eyes both opened immediately. "What?" She asked, sitting up.

"Yeah. I mean, I should earn my keep, right?" I joked.

She looked at me for one long minute, and I flushed. I know that the question was out of the blue, but I had been getting antsy. I needed to do something, sitting here at home was killing me.

"Xander, that's a great idea." She said finally, leaning forward to hug me. "We could use the extra help."

I smiled in relief, feeling my heart thump a little harder. "You guys want my help?"

"Of course!" She smacked me. "Los Angeles is no tea party, believe me."  I knew that, I had stayed up a couple of nights when Cordelia came in with bruises and cuts, cleaning them and bandageing them. That scared  me more than anything. Even though I knew Angel would never let Cordelia get hurt, I also kept remembering Buffy and how she died.  I needed to go with  Cordelia, even if it was just to make sure the same thing didn't happen to her.

"Good, then private Harris is at your service." She smiled, and then we both fell silent. Not knowing what to do,I simply picked up a kernel of popcorn from the bowl between us and flipped it to her face.

It landed on her eyelid. She looked shocked for just a second, and then when I grinned slyly, she shook her head.

"Oh, Xander." She said, smiling wickedly. She grabbed a handful and threw it. I ducked, grabbing the bowl. "Stay away from me!" She shrieked, jumping over the couch in an attempt to get away from me. We raced around the living room, me with my popcorn, and her trying to keep away from me.

I laughed and she froze.  Immediately I barreled into her, pinning her down and emptying the popcorn on her face.

"Ack! Grease!!!" She shrieked, wiping her face off. I was laughing so hard by then that I could do nothing when she pushed  me off.  "you are SO going to get it later." She warned, plucking the kernels that were now buried in her hair.

"Why'd you freeze?" I managed to hack out.

She looked at me, and her smile softened for a minute. "Because you laughed." She said sincerely.  "I haven't heard you laugh since you got here."

I stopped laughing then, and when I searched her face, I saw she was right. I had actually laughed.  And she stared at me earnestly, and I smiled.

"Xander, get that demon!"

It was pelting rain, and I could barely hear Angel's command, but I obeyed immediately, gritting my teeth and barreling into it, taking care to keep my head from it's spikes. Doyle grappled with the demon's mate next to me, and over the din, I could hear Cordelia screaming something to Angel.

It was raining furiously now, and the warning that Angel gave me three months ago, to never, ever lose sight of each other was lost as I was punched to the ground, Grabbing the knife, I rose, flinging myself to the side as if charged and pushing the knife up into it's chest as it swept by me.

It howled, but fell to the ground. I then turned my attention to Doyle, who wasn't having much luck with the much stronger mate. I went and tapped it shoulder, and was rewarded with a blinding punch to my forehead. I groaned, falling back, but giving Doyle the time he needed to plunge the blade into the back.

He pulled the demon off of me, but his smile was grim.

"I never wanted to stake anyone in the back." He explained, wincing. I sighed, mopping the rain drops off of my head.

"You couldn't help it man." I said. He shrugged, and we turned back to the other two of our friends. Angel was kneeling on the floor, breathing heavily..

"Hey, you okay?" Doyle asked, kneeling next to him.

"Fine." He grunted, rising.  "Just got stabbed in the stomach."  He winced, and lifted his blood stained hand off of it, to reveal a small puncture.  "I'll live."

We nodded. "Cordy'll fix you up." Doyle pronounced, one arm around him. I carefully took the other side. Angel nodded gruffly.

"Where is she?" he asked, looking at me.

I furrowed an eyebrow. "Wasn't she with you?"

"She was, but after she made sure I was okay, she said she was gonna help you guys."

Doyle and I locked eyes and immediately my heart started beating faster.

"Cordy!" I yelled, battling the furious rains for her to hear me. It was raining so hard I could see maybe five feet in front of me, and that was all I heard.

Doyle's eyes grew wide and fearful, and he also began calling her name. There was no answer. The three of us stood there, and right then, we all knew how scared we actually were.

"Cordelia!!!" Angel screamed, recoiling in pain but barely stopping to register it as he leaned forward.  "COR!!!!"

"Spread out, look for her." He demanded, on hand clutched to his stomach. "We gotta find her."

I nodded blindly, stumbling back into the black night to the place where I had killed the demon.  It was gone, and my heart stopped for a full second  when I saw the body that had replaced it.

"Cordelia." I breathed.  "Cor!!!" I must have screamed that, because suddenly I heard footsteps behind me as I ran to her fallen form, and as I slid to a stop by her, Angel and Doyle came running behind me.

"Oh, Cordelia." Doyle breathed, his eyes watering. Angel only swallowed, his eyes furrowed as he looked on her.  But I barely paid them any attention, I was quickly looking her over to see if she was okay.

She wasn't.  Her eyes were closed, and she had a large cut bleeding from her forehead.

She wasn't breathing.

"Oh, God." Angel kneeled next to me, pushing me away and cradling her body to him. "Cordy, no come on, not like Buffy, not like Buffy."

Doyle crouched next to the rocking Angel, one hand on Cordelia's leg. I watched numbly, not even feeling the rain now as I stared at the woman who had shared her bed and her life with me for the past six months.

"not, like Buffy..." Angel kept whispered, rocking her furiously.  "Not like Buffy."

***
"Xander!!!"

I ran to her, cradling her, picking her up. "Buffy?" I whispered, as I saw in horror the huge gash in her stomach. I placed my hand over it, feeling the blood flow through the cracks through my fingers. "Oh, Buffy." I said again, my voice cracking.

"Xander." She whispered, her strength lost in her voice. Her eyes were half closed.

"Buffy, no, come on, we got to get you to a -"

"Xander." her eyes opened laboriously, and she stared at me for a second.  "Please don't... don't ....blam.. I love you."

Those were the last words she ever said to me.
 
 

My eyes blinked, and I saw Cordelia, my best friend, still not breathing. Angel was howling, and Doyle only bowed his head, not letting Angel or me seeing his crying.

I swallowed, aware that at moment I was reliving my life. My heart was beating faster and faster, my fists were clenched, and the panic that had seized me, the grief that had entered my soul and hadn't left the day Buffy's life blood ran out of her body and onto my hands, suddenly made me angry.

This wasn't going to happen to the only other girl I had ever loved. Never to Cordy, not like Buffy. I rushed forward, pushing Angel away.

"Let me see her." I bit, sending him sprawling back.  I studied her face, and suddenly my hands were at her chest, mechanically thumping her chest.

"Come on, Cordy." I whispered. "You believed in me, don't make me give up on you. COME ON!!!"

And she lurched forward, breathing in deeply, we all jumped, but I recovered, pulling her to me quickly. "Cordy."

She coughed, her eyes glazed over with pain."Xander?" She whispered,her voice weak. I smiled through the tears that had mingled with that raindrops that fell over my face.

"Heya, Cordy."

Angel and Doyle crowded around us.  "We need to take her to a hospital." Doyle said, reaching for her to pick her up. I pushed him away, glaring at him and Angel both, for now not caring if they were demons or not.

I picked her up slowly, hugging her protectively against me. She may had belonged to them too, but at that moment, she was mine. She was all mine.

"Thanks." My eyes opened to see Angel staring down at me, his haunted face still as he looked at me in the waiting room.

"What?"

"Thank you. For saving her." he reiterated. He stuck his hands in his pockets, the bandage the covered his stomach wound invisible now.   "She's all we have... I mean... me and Doyle... she's what keeps us sane... and drives us crazy."

I crossed my arms, my eyes wide open now, and yet, my face strangely calm.  "You love her, Angel." It wasn't a question.

He shrugged, not even deigning to lie to me.  "I'm not sure." He said honestly. "I think we all do. Like I said, she's all we have. You know, Doyle's had a crush on her since day one, and me... the night we found out Buffy died, I went crazy... I came so close to just walking out into the sunlight. She stopped me,that night, she was there for me... she kept me sane."

I nodded, closing my eyes. I had often wondered about what Cordelia and Angel had meant about "that night", I knew now.  She had explained it to me a month before, because I asked, but very quickly.  He had fallen, crying in her arms, and that night, he didn't leave.

"I love her too." The statement was honest, not challenging, and Angel nodded back.

"I know that." He was still for a moment.  "She loves you  too, Xander." He said, looking at me.  "She always has. That's one of the reasons she's never loved Doyle and me, not in the way we wanted her to." He smiled at me grimly, and got up. "I have to go, it'll be daylight soon. Tell her...." He trailed off, swallowing.  "Tell her we love her."

I entered her room, her eyes were closed, but when I entered, they opened. She smiled at me faintly.

"Hey." She whispered.

"Hey." I came to the bedside, one hand automatically covering hers. "Angel and Doyle say they love you."

"Well, duh." She responded.  "Those dorks have no idea what goes on in the office. They'd be lost without me."

I shook my head. She really had no idea how right she really was.  We fell silent then, and she rubbed my hand lightly.

"Thank you, Xander, for being there. You saved my life. Again."

I smiled sheepishly. "You saved mine first." Her eyes became clouded, not sure what I meant.

"You believed in me, Cor." I said, my voice gruffly.  "Why?"

She looked at me, and then shrugged. "Oh, Xander." She whispered, one hand trailing my face. "You dumb idiot. Don't you get it?" She gave me a loving smile.  "You're my hero. You've always been my hero."

A stillness entered my heart then, and then it resumed beating, with a new recognition, and a more fervent love for the woman in front of me than ever before.  My eyes were bright, I was crying, and I didn't care.

I leaned up to kiss her, but she pulled her head back, shaking it.

"No." She said firmly, "You're not ready. We're not ready." She swallowed, and then gave me a grin. "Can't we be friends Xander? Like we never were? I mean, we kind of skipped that part, and I think that now, that's all you can handle." When I opened my mouth, she shook her head quickly. "No." She repeated.  "You need to get over Buffy, you need to remember her, you need to look back at her and not blame yourself, you need to love all the times you were with her, and remember that she loved you too."

I nodded, closing my eyes as I leaned my head against her hand. She rested her other hand on top of my head, fingers caressing through my hair.

I was going to get through it. There was a faint light in the tunnel, here, in my new life, my life with Cordelia, I knew I was going to survive. I was going to be happy. Maybe not for a while, but I was gonna be. I knew that now.

She believed in me, and because of that, I knew.

Heaven wasn't too far away. Not for us. Never for us.