For a minute I couldn't feel anything.  Nothing, just.... numbness. I sat at that desk, and my eyes were glued to Doyle's, my features frozen. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything.

It surprised him, because he cocked his head curiously,  as he easily discerned my shock. "You all right, Princess?"

I realized I still hadn't said a word, and I closed my mouth, swallowing before opening it. Nothing came out. I tried again.

"They're engaged?" Was all I managed to rasp.

Doyle was watching me carefully, I knew that I couldn't betray any emotion, because ever since I had gotten back with him, he had always put me first.

It was so nice that I was always first with Doyle, with Xander it was never like that. I was always second, and Doyle was so fragile about how I felt about him. I couldn't betray any emotion.

But... God.

"How did you find out?" I asked softly.

"Willow went and called. Told us to come down, that they set the date, six months from now." He crossed his arms, his face smiling  a crooked grin. "Said they're real excit-"

"Doyle." I looked up to see Angel standing in the doorway, a warning note in his face that meant shut up. He was watching me with intense, big brothery eyes.

It seemed he knew exactly what I was thinking. Which seemed pretty improbable, considering I didn't even know what I was thinking.

Doyle quieted and the two of them just stared at me, I gave a nervous laugh, getting up quickly.

"No, it's okay." I lied. "I just.... I don't know why he didn't tell me, is all."

Doyle was watching me closely, and I didn't look at him.  I felt numb.  "I gotta go." I said quickly, gathering my bag and kissing Doyle once quickly.  "I have an audition."

"Cordy." I stopped, the nickname that stuck to me ever since Xander had pinned me with it now coming from Doyle's lip.  I closed my eyes, taking a breath before turning back to see him.

"Should we go?" Angel had crossed his arms, sitting next to Doyle. Both men just waited for an answer.

I felt a sunny smile on my face, felt a soft bit of laughter bubble up, and I rolled my eyes. "Of course, we should go! I mean, come on! This is Xander and Anya! They're our friends."

"Not quite my friends." Doyle murmured, seconds before Angel hit him.

I merely smiled once more and turned around, walking out the office, my smile fading as quickly as the numbness took over again.

Who the hell said I couldn't act?

Oh, God. He's getting married. It finally hit me. I was sitting there, watching tv, phantom Dennis kept changing the channels and he flipped to this one show where these two kids were getting married and it hit me. Xander's getting married.

Oh, God.  At first I couldn't breath, the denial thing that worked so well in the past couldn't work now, no matter how hard I tried to bring it back up. It was true. Xander was getting married to Anya.

And it was still there. Inside me, it just hit me like a plank.  I was visibly shaken, so shaken that Dennis had wrapped his invisible hands around me in an attempt to find out what was wrong.

I couldn't cry, because I didn't know how to feel.  Was I sad? Was I relieved? Was I furious?

Was I even happy that all this craziness was over, that Xander really truly thought it was over, and he was showing it to the world by getting hitched to his demon lover forever?

Oh, God, I could actually feel my heart tremble. It literally heaved within me.

It was over. It was over. Xander and I were over. This was the truth, this was what I had kept  telling myself ever since I had driven home from Sunnydale after that one night I had caved in my resolution never to give in to whatever craziness kept me wanting him. Kept me feeling the way I did. Kept me thinking I still loved him.

I sat there, not speaking, Dennis' arms around me, and I just sat there, I felt tears in my eyes as I thought about him, as I thought about that day, when I would have to sit here and watch him declare himself to her.

It was Xander and Anya. For two years it had been Xander and Anya, and everyone had been expecting this.

Except me. Because I never admitted to myself that it was over.

Because I had heard him tell me that he loved me, and I had felt his lips, and felt that body against me, I had fooled myself into believing that it wasn't over, even if we both said it was, even if we both were with other people, that hell, we even loved.

But I loved Xander. And, Oh, god it's over. It's really over.

I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

I can't just believe everything Doyle says. He's been wrong before, right?

I felt possessed, I don't know what I was doing.

I shouldn't do this. I know I shouldn't do this. I had no right, I had nothing. But I still got in the car, I still put the key in the ignition, and I still drove.

At first I didn't know where I was going, my mind was in a daze, my heart beating and my brow sweating and   I felt so choked up, wanting to cry and sob and not being able to.

But when I kept driving, not saying a word, not to myself, not even allowing myself to think what I felt, when I saw the green sign that pinpointed my destination, when I drove past the place, three miles from the town I grew up in, and I saw the place where I had kissed those sweet lips, and stained his cheeks with my tears, I knew.

I was going to see him.

Because I still loved him.

Oh, God. I can't do this. I told Anya I'd marry her. And she's so excited, she's never been married, as a matter of fact, she's trashed quite a few in her time, but she wants this to be perfect, and I want it to be perfect for her too. She looks so determined to have this huge wedding, even if I don't want it.

If anything I want a small one, quick, simple, something I can do right away, not plan for months and months and months. Because if I keep thinking about it, if I sit here and I imagine looking at Anya for the rest of my life the only thing that happens is that suddenly the faces changes and I'm looking at her.

I can't be thinking about what's still there. What'd it still be if maybe it wasn't over. I can't keep thinking about the fact that she told me that she loves me.

Because it's over. She told me it was over, and I believed it.  I still believe it. We can't go back.

But I still remember. Even when no one else does. When Buffy and Willow are talking on the phone with her  and giggling over Doyle's cute thing of the week, the next thing he did to try and get her back with him,  and I can hear her voice laughing over the mechanical line, I feel it in my heart. And I remember. That hand in mine, the adoring gaze she gave me, with the smile that lit up the room as we would walk down the hallways and not caring for the boys that stopped to gaze as she walked past,  she would slide her fingers down my arm and lean her chin against my shoulder and whisper something to me.

I remember the way her eyes would flash when we were fighting, and second later she' d be in my arms, moaning and mumbling as she slid those hands up my chest and around my neck.

I felt it then, and I feel it now.

And I'm a bastard for doing it. Because I'm engaged to Anya.

It's the right thing to do. I love Anya, I know I do, and everyone expects it, hell I expect it.

And I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell any of them. I couldn't talk to Doyle without seeing that glint in his eyes that makes me think he knows how I still feel about her, and I can't talk to Angel without him looking at me with those brooding intense eyes that makes me think I'm a jerk and a bastard for what I'm thinking and I can't look at Cordy without think it.

How can I tell her?  I can't tell her. I can't look into those eyes and tell her.

Buffy says she's happy over there. And she's right. I hear her on the phone, it's not a phony laugh I'm hearing, it's Cordy's happy laugh. The one she used to give me when we were in our closet o' love.

She's so beautiful, the most beautiful woman I've ever ...... loved.

I love her.

I still love her. Even if it's over, and even if everything thinks it's over.

Only Willow knows.  I told what happened, and she gave me the best, most reasonable advice a best friend could give.

She told me to try and forget about it.  That Cordy and me had different lives now, that our past had always been hormones and heat of the moment, and we would crush so many people if we went back to that. She told me to remember what pain she and I had caused when WE did it to Cordelia and Oz, how much we all suffered.

It was great advice.

And it was a load of bull. There's no way I'm forgetting.

I can't do this. I can't marry Anya without looking at her, without talking to her, without asking her to tell me the one thing that's been haunting my mind for months.

It was stupid, I'm  asking for something that's completely stupid and ridiculous. Of course Cordy won't care. She probably doesn't even remember that night by the roadside, and even if she does, she probably went and chalked it up to hormones.

She doesn't need this from me.  She's probably gonna think I'm the most pathetic loser on the face of this earth, to still be hanging on to those raging hormones of mine, to the fuzzy feelings I still get even when I'm not with her, to the dreams of smiles and kisses that I once had.

I need to hear it from her that it's over. I need her to tell it to me to my face. I need to know it's okay for me to try and get past this, to try and move on.

Because I still don't believe it. Because I still love her.

I pulled on my jacket, and grabbed my keys and walked to the door, my mind whirling.

Swinging it open, I was about to walk outside when I froze.

She stared at me, her arms crossed  and her gaze steely, biting down on her bottom lip.

"You didn't tell me you were getting married."  She said evenly.

He stood stock still, his eyes wide with surprise at seeing her face, hearing her voice. Her face was passive, the only betrayal of her emotion was the slight trembling of her lip, that threatened to break free from the teeth that were holding it still.

"Cordelia."

She took  a breath, and managed a shaky smile. "Hi, Xander."  Realizing the awkwardness of her situation, she took a breath.  "I ... uh... heard the news. From Doyle. I wanted.... I wanted to say...." she blew her breath out. "Congrats."

There was still no movement on Xander's part, but he managed to shake himself out of his transfixation.  "Come in."

She nodded, hugging her arms around herself as she stepped into the apartment, and then turned to face him, her face resolved, and painfully tight.

"I just.... why didn't you tell me, Xander?"  She asked quickly.  "Why did you let me hear it from Doyle?"

He saw the pain of betrayal in her eyes, and he felt himself shudder.  The brightness of her eyes. He had forgotten just how bright those hazel eyes could be.  There was pain, in her voice, and it wasn't because he was getting married.  It was because, as a friend, she had been hurt that he hadn't told her.

He felt his heart stop beating for a full second, and then resume, so slowly, so slowly it seemed almost torn.  This was his answer, in her words.

It was over.

"I... uh...  Cor." He couldn't say another word, merely sunk into his chair and covered his face in his hands, trying desperately not to see the tears coming to his eyes.

Cordelia saw him try to hide himself from her, and shame suddenly filled her.  Embarrassment quickly followed. Why the hell had she driven all this way? To get her heart broken? To watch and listen to Xander tell her that he hadn't wanted to tell her because he was afraid of what she'd do? Because he was afraid she didn't know it was over?

Oh, God. She needed to get out of here, she needed to leave, fast, she needed to find someplace, and hide in a corner, and let these tears of sadness and desperation, that threatened to flood over that minute, let them out.

Instead she walked toward him, swallowing and forcing her voice to go even, to go even gentle, masking the pain well, one hand on his knee.  "Xander." She whispered, her voice trembling.  "It's okay.  It's over."

And she said it. She had actually said it. Out loud.  It was official.

It didn't feel official, he still felt it, even after they said it, he still felt it when he looked at her, when he looked  into those eyes.

"So... you're okay with this?" He asked, his voice low.

Cordelia averted her eyes, looking away, her voice mechanical. "Of course I'm okay with it, Xander. You've been with Anya for two years. It's not like me and you were together for half that long."

"I know." He whispered, his voice intense as he looked directly into her eyes.  "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Cor. I was gonna, sooner or later."

"I wish you had told me sooner."  She had turned away the second his eyes had met hers, and he felt himself stumble over his words.

"I just..... after what happened-"

"We both agreed then that that was nothing, Xander." She said, her voice cold as she looked up at him again.

He stared at her in shock.  "Nothing? How can you say that was nothing, Cordelia?"

She didn't answer when she heard the slipping of his voice, the wound in her heart growing bigger. "It had to be nothing, Xander. We knew then, and we know now that it's-"

"Over." He responded flatly. She winced visibly, but nodded.  He felt his throat go full, as she finally allowed their gazes to meet and hold.  Hazel eyes searched brown ones, both pairs searching the other intensely for a hope of a contradiction to the words that were just spoken, something that could make them believe that it was more than just empty words.

One masculine hand reached for a feminine one, fingers interlacing as the rough fingers slid against the soft ones, the touch and spark enough to send them both into utter stillness, the only connection enough to make them feel as if they had been seared together.

"I just.... I think about living without you, never feeling those fingers against mine, never touching those lips." His voice cracked as he lifted a fingertip to her upper lip, sliding it along as she closed her eyes against the touch, moving forward to kiss the fingertip lightly. He felt himself shudder.

He felt outside himself as he gazed at her, at that moment he felt he transcended everything that kept them apart, every realization that this was better off over, that there was no chance for them to ever find happiness and not hurt anyone, that he was engaged to another woman and that she was seeing another man.

At that moment there was only him and only her.  And it felt right. If felt like it was the only right in a world full of wrongs.  This was right.

His palm slid to cup her chin, gently propelling her face toward his, his eyes open so as not to miss any second of her beautiful face descending to his, seeing her eyelashes flutter, her moist lips open in readiness to feel his against hers, the soft sigh emanating from them.

How could this be over?

"No." She breathed, seconds away from his lips. "I can't do this." She pulled back, her hands on his chest to push him away.

"Oh, God." He whispered, horror at what he had almost done.  "Cordy.... I'm sorry."

Her eyes were filling with tears fast, and she held both hands to her face, trying hard to compose herself, getting up and pulling on her jacket.

"I shouldn't have come."

"Cordy." Xander tried.  "I'm sorry." She froze, her hand on the doorknob, before slowly turning and offering him a shaky smile.

"Don't be. But this is stupid, Xander. We're adults. We're not teenagers. We have things..... we can't do this."

He slid his hands in his pockets, watching her, feeling the lump in his throat go bigger at the sight of one tear trickling down her face.  "Willow said to forget it."

There was a grim smile, when she answered. "It's good advice."

"She's advice girl."

They were silent, and he blurted, "I don't want that advice. It doesn't feel right."

She shook her head furiously. "It's over, Xander. You know that. Even if-"

He looked up. "Even if what?"

She swallowed, shaking her head. "Nothing. There is no even if. Not for us."

"We'll be okay." She whispered, walking toward him and giving him a tight hug.

He returned it desperately, feeling his eyes grow moist at the scent of her body, the feel of it against him.

"I'll see you at the wedding." She whispered, pulling herself away and turning around fast, wiping tears away as she went.

He stood, hands in his pockets, his face and body immobile.

It was over. And they both knew it was over.  But  as Xander watched Cordelia leave, saw the sparkle in her eyes, felt the heaving of his own chest, the almost uncontrollable urge to run after her, to grab her and crush her to him, he felt his throat choke up.

His feet stayed planted on the curb.  He felt numb, but he had returned to earth. And he was grounded. He knew what was right and what was wrong.

Until he heard otherwise, he would stick with the plan. Because it was over, she said it was over, and if she said it, he had to believe it.

Everything was cool between them.  They would go on, they would be friends, he would cherish her as a friend.

He couldn't believe she still loved him. He couldn't believe that she didn't think it was over, because the truth was a horrible thing, but it was true.

It was all the truth he had, all the truth they both had.  The way they had lived, had made them happy, they had different lives, and those lives didn't include each other. They included other people, nice people, people that deserved better than this.

They could believe that they could always be happy this way, that they could learn to live with each other.

He would always believe it. He would marry Anya. And he would forget that Cordelia loved him.

Until he heard it from her.