He was numb. There was nothing in his mind that gave him any hope, and the loss of his friend had only driven home the point that he was to be alone forever.

He had thought that maybe he hadn't had to be alone, that maybe he had found his family, but that wasn't the truth. He had lost Doyle, and now he had lost Cordelia.

His first impulse after the realization had set in was to go after her, force her to see, that he didn't mean it, that he wouldn't know what to do if she left, but he had seen her eyes, the icy, hurt glare, and he knew that no amount of talking would help.

And so he had gone to bed, in an attempt to lose himself in sleep, to gather his thoughts and stave off the pain, to delude himself into believing that everything was all right, that he could kiss her and hold her and have her smile at him and say those dumb things and make love to her and it would all be okay.

In his dreams he held her, and he was still holding her when the nightmares began, the flashes of hell that he  had endured, and in those nightmares he was horribly alone, terrifyingly alone, there was no one to guide him, to help him, the rid the insanity and the hell. He had been holding Cordelia, and she had left him, just like she had in reality, and it nearly drove him insane, to be in that hell alone, to know he had had her and lost her, and lost it all.

He was in hell, he was in agony, a dream from which he could not wake and his only thought, the only whisper his body and mind could form, the only thing he thought could help was to try and find her, to pray for her return, to take him away from this hellish nightmare, he needed her. He needed his Cordelia back.

~*~*~*~*~

It was all perfect. He had showed up at her door with flowers, he had complimented her on her clothes and her dress and her hair. He had opened the door for her, he couldn't keep his eyes off her, he drove a beamer.  He was cute, had the perfect hair, the perfect clothes, the perfect body.

He had this adorable voice, just low enough to be sexy, but high enough to be cute. He had a nice laugh, and he took care of his fingernails.  He put his hand on the small of her back and led her gently, just enough to show her he liked touching her and yet light enough to let her know that he wasn't overbearing, just protective.

He liked Classic Rock, but he let her choose the station in the car. His car didn't have an annoying car freshener and he wore a nice cologne.

He took her to a beautiful restaurant where the waiter knew him by name, they sat in a nice place, and he was funny.  He was charismatic, and he was perfect.

At least, he would have been, if Cordelia hadn't had her mind completely elsewhere.

Her mind wasn't on her perfect date, or the cute way he seemed flustered at how she looked but was still in control, or how he let her choose the place because he had made reservations at three different restaurants.

No, no.  Her mind was on her damn boss, EX BOSS, she amended.  Her damn EX boss and his damn soul and his damn words and his damn way of hurting her.

So she barely noticed any of his, her whole mind was on the fact that she actually cried. She NEVER cried over guys, only Xander Harris, and well, she had a right to cry over what HE did to her.

But Angel? Why the hell would Angel make her cry? Why would his words affect her so much. Why the hell was he such a JERK!

There was a waving of a clean and nicely lotioned hand and Cordelia's eyes jerked from her previous place on her plate.

"I'm sorry." She coughed. "Did you say something?"

Hank Golden Mitchell gave her a patient smile, with his perfect white teeth that had gotten him that toothpaste commercial and a recurring role on Xena as a cute thug, and repeated the question.

"I was asking if you wanted any wine."

She almost smirked, but just shook her head. "No thanks. I don't touch the stuff."

"Really? How come?" His expression was perfect, mildly interested, not being polite. But she barely noticed.

"Well, the last time I drank... lets just say I could have ended up in a dungeon with a giant snake, that's how out of it I was." She smiled grimly at the memory of her older, more clueless days. He looked a little confused, but chuckled appropriately.  "An Iced tea is fine." She told the waiter, who bowed and disappeared.

She fell quiet again, and Hank Golden Mitchell's perfect smile fell.  He had no idea why she wasn't hanging on his every word, he had done this a hundred times, and it never failed, he usually had the young starlet in love with him by the end of the evening.  It had almost worked on Renee O'Conner, but apparently the character of "Ligitius", who had been beaten up ten different times by Lucy Lawless as his only claim to fame, wasn't enough to dump her current honey.

Still.... something about this one was different too. He had noticed it immediately when he had seen her. First off, she had a hell of a pair of lips on her, and she was smart, razor sharp, hidden almost. The girl had some hidden depths, and that was something he rarely saw in his profession. She calmly, and coldly rebutted the director when he had come on to her, in such a way that she didn't lose her job, but made the director look and possibly feel about an inch tall.

There was something about her, and he was dying to know what it was about that was such a mystery.

But she wasn't helping much. She was occupied, her mind was on something else entirely. She was not cooperating at all,and that made his goal, the knowledge and ultimate conquest of Cordelia Chase (great stage name) very, very hard.

Finally, after starting about ten different threads of conversations and having them all answered in monosyllables, he sighed, putting down his fork.

"Something wrong?" He finally asked.

She looked startled, her hazel eyes bright, and she gave him a small smile. "Sorry. I'm kind of out of it, aren't I? God, I'm such a dweeb." She closed her eyes and pressed her palm against her forehead, a signal of frustration.

He chuckled warmly. "No, it's okay, Cordelia. What can I do?"

She shook her head warily. "Thanks, Hank, but I don't really want to talk about it."

"Oh, okay." He smiled brilliantly, grateful that he had her attention again. "So, like I was saying, Lucy Lawless continued on about the leather chafing and-"

"It's my boss." She began, her breath in a rush that indicated she was about to go off in a torrent.  "We had this huge fight, and he some things and they hurt me, and I quit and... god he's a big jerk."

He looked a little taken aback, but nodded appropriately, sensing the emotion behind the words, and glad he had finally discovered the source of her distraction. The boss, always the boss. Well a boss he could handle.  "Sounds like a big fat clout." He joked, smiling.

Cordelia looked a little confused at the joke.  "No, actually he's got a great body." She said, not sure why she was defending her jerk of a boss, EX boss. "I mean, when I saw him in those boxers, he was pretty-"

Hank looked astonished. "You've seen the guy in his underwear?"

She shrugged, daintily biting off a piece of the breadstick. "Yeah." She mumbled through the piece. "So?"

His mouth opened, and closed, and in his scrutiny of his date, his piece of fish fell from the fork and onto the table.  Cordelia noticed, he didn't.

Boxers? She had seen the guy in his boxers? Didn't that usually mean- He cut that thread off, reminding himself to get the full story before he jumped to conclusions.

"How old did you say this guy was?" He asked, crinkling his forehead, hoping against hope she'd say ninety five and needed help changing his diapers.

"Pretty old. But he's aged well." She felt herself smile involuntarily at the thought. "I mean, girls come into the office and just whew! They are gone with one look at him. It's the batman thing."

Oh, well this was just peachy. This guy looked like batman. "Michael Keaton or George Clooney Batman?" He asked, leaning forward.

She scrunched her nose, and just shook her head. "Neither." She pronounced. "Just the dark trench coat, the perfect hair, the annoying thing where he's ALWAY'S right." She rolled her eyes. "God I hate him sometimes."

He looked confused, then glumly looked down at his plate. "Honestly, Cordelia.... I didn't come here to talk about your boss."

Cordelia saw the hurt look and immediately cursed herself. Here she was ruining a perfect date with a perfect guy by talking about her jerky undead boss? What was wrong with her? "I'm sorry, Hank, honestly I am." He smiled.

"So where were we?"

"He just.. augh!!" Cordelia continued, cutting him off. "He gets to me sometimes. But he does have some good points. If it weren't for him, we wouldn't be here right now."

He looked up, mildy curious.  "What do you mean?"

"Well he DID help me get this part."

"How?"

"He gave me a makeout lesson. He's a real good kisser. I mean, he can do things with his tongue."  Poor Hank was too overwhelmed to do anything but choke on his drink, scattering the stuff everywhere, and garnering a displeased and disgusted look from his date.

He barely even noticed, his eyes were wider than saucers, and rather than mop up, or even apologize to the lady who had been on the receiving end of his outburst, he just stared at Cordelia.

"YOU FRENCHED him?" He asked incredulously.

She rolled her eyes. "Come on, Hank. It was just acting."

He gazed at her long and hard. "How long have you been in acting, Cordelia?"

"Not long, but you can say I've been doing it my whole life." She said, suddenly remembering her years at Sunnydale High. It seemed every day she had to put on a mask, back then. Funny, she thought she had been over that, that it was okay to take it off here. Angel and her, and ... Doyle... she had wanted there to be no secrets, she had thought she could trust them both. She wasn't wrong about Doyle, but it seemed she was completely wrong about Angel.

Her heart ached slightly, until her attention was taken up by Hank's fervent stare.

"Cordelia, unless the direction wants you to, you NEVER, EVER french the guy, because.... well it's ethics. No tongue." He finished hastily, clearly disturbed by what he had heard.

She just looked confused.  "But you frenched me."

He looked flustered, then turned red. "Well YEAH, I currently want to sleep with you. Half the guys on the crew want to sleep with you, and the direct-" When her eyebrows narrowed,  he quickly forced himself to get to the point. "Cordelia, in acting, unless the director tells you to, or... if  um... the couple....is really into it, like... attracted to each other.... we don't use the tongue."

"So what are you saying, because Angel used his tongue he's into me? Please. As if!"  She laughed, dismissing the thought immediately. "Angel is far too big brother and Buffy hung over to even think about me like that."

"Buffy?"

"Old girlfriend. Of his. Whipped him into the prissy boy to end all prissy boys. Had a very bad break up." She shrugged.

Hank's eyebrow narrowed. Okay, this he didn't like. There was another guy in the picture. Another batman looking guy that kissed great, and had a great body, which she had SEEN. Her boss.  And she was thinking about this older hunk of a guy, when she was supposed to be thinking about HIM.

God, this girl was intriguing,and in his quest to find out the truth, he found himself asking a very, odd question.

"You two... never.... dated?"

She raised an amused eyebrow. "Me and Angel." She breathed, laughing at the thought. "No, not even close. Angel and I are business associates."

"His name is Angel?" He blurted. "What kind of name is Angel?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Like Hank is just wonderful?"

He colored.  He had chosen that name because he thought it gave off the right message, maybe it was time for a change,  his agent told him it gave the impression of a honky tonk cowboy. Not really what he was going for.

Cordelia Chase sighed. This wasn't good. She could see the frustration on her date's face and found herself cursing again. God, Cordelia, get over this! This guy can be good for your future!

Somehow, she had stopped thinking about her future without Angel, and the thought of it seemed rather odd, bleak even.

"He's no good for me." She said out loud, speaking mostly to herself, not even seeing Hank as she decided to give up the date as a lost cause. If the guy had thought she was a normal chick before, she had more than proved that she was a big freak.

Her body seemed to go numb, and she found herself remembering Angel's tortured face as he grabbed her, telling her that he cared for her, that he really cared for her. She had almost believed it, had wanted to believe it, until she had heard the next words that came out of his mouth.

Now all she wanted to do was bury him with her past.  She looked up at what could have been her ticket to fame, at least in soap commercials, saw him looking at her with what was decidedly NOT a perfect expression, and knew that once again, her knowledge of Angel had ruined her perfect prospect.

She had to face the truth, she wasn't normal, and maybe Angel was right. She didn't deserve normal.   "He said stuff." She explained. "Stuff that hurt me, and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm sorry." She was sincere, her hazel eyes apologetic. "You went through a lot of trouble, and I don't usually act like this. It's just.... he hurt me. I don't think he's ever done that intentionally. He's my only friend... or he was."

She trailed off, and looked away, and Hank felt his heartbeat slow in one sympathetic moment. At that minute he found he wasn't looking at a conquest, but at a woman, maybe his kid sister, maybe his old girlfriend, just a scared, lonely girl, who had lost her only friend.  Somehow Cordelia shifted in his mind, and he no longer minded so much the ruined date.

"Just one of many dates he's ruined." She added glumly.  "I quit, but..."

He shrugged. "Well, there you go! It's no big deal, Cordelia." He said, smiling. "There's always another time. Maybe when you're not having a fight with your boss.  I mean, you quit right?"

She snorted an unladylike snort that indicated even she didn't believe that. "Yes but I have go back. I don't have a choice. I'm kind.... bound to the guy.  I get these.........." She trailed off, remembering what happened the last time she had spilled her guts to a total stranger and bit off her words instead straightening up. "It doesn't matter. The point is he needs me." She froze, her face struck in self realization. "Or I need him." She shook her head, her eyes strangely moist.  "No, he doesn't need ME, all he cares about is his stupid link." She looked up, her eyes flashing slightly. "Do you know what he said when I quit, that I couldn't because I was his link. That's all he cared about. The damn link."

LINK!?! What the hell was a link? Hank looked confused, but remained silent for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts.  "Well something... actually a lot of things tell me your pretty hung on your boss... and he's not exactly adverse to you."

She looked startled at the evaluation. "Oh, please. Angel?  I mean the guy is  vamm..triloquist." She amended slightly. "How sexy is THAT? So, he's saved my life about a dozen times." She snorted. "That's only cause of working for him. The man is a danger MAGNET.  He's obligated to risk his life for me, for all the damn hell he puts me through!"

Her answer was a raised eyebrow. She didn't notice.

"Okay, so what if he's doomed to live his life all alone and tortured and saving soul....ami." She again amended.  He only nodded, by now apparently used to the odd language. "Does that mean I have to get dragged down with him? I mean, what guy is going to understand  that! Do you?"

He shook his head. "I have to admit I'm thoroughly muddled and have no idea what you're talking about." He answered honestly.

"See?" She huffed, sighing.  "God, look at me. I'm a mess."

"You're not a mess, Cordelia." He said softly. "It just looks to me like you're in love."

Her eyes rose to meet him in shock. "No, I'm not." She said, a little too quickly, and a little too fervently. But he  didn't back down, his heart in an odd place as he continued. "Trust me, I've seen it before. Though what I was going for was to have it directed at ME." He smiled, his perfect smile. "But I guess I'm not the perfect man for you, am I?"

She didn't say a word, her face unreadable.  "Did you or did you not say that you were planning on sticking with this guy for a long time?"

"But that's not my fault! I'm bound to him whether I like it or not! I mean, I don't think he even likes me!"

"He likes you, Cordelia." Hank said, closing one strong hand over hers.

She rolled her eyes, pulling her hand away and was about to refute the statement when she felt something cracking through her mind.

Crying out in pain, Cordelia held her hands to her head, trying as hard as she could to keep her mind coherent as the flashes started, the pain that felt like a knife in her head.  The visions came, in pulses, like they always did, she was in a hot place, and in it, someone was suffering, suffering so terribly calling out a name, there was a name, god what was the name.

Cordelia.  They were calling for Cordelia.

She searched for the source, and then her eyes flew and landed on a form, a tortured soul that seemed to be afire with pain.

And her heart stopped. She saw Angel.

The pains stopped as soon as they started, and she opened her eyes to find herself on the floor, with dozens of people over her, Hank in the forefront, on his face a worried expression.

"Cordelia!" He helped her up. "Are you okay?"

"No, no I'm not. I have to go." She whispered, grabbing her purse. "He's in trouble."

"Who... Cordelia you're in pain!"

"I'm fine!" She snapped, holding a hand to her head before straightening, her eyes wide with worry and fear. "He's in trouble, I have to go."

And with that, she shoved past him and ran to the door.

Hank stared after her, hands in his perfect suit, looking incredibly bewildered.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Oh, God, Angel was in trouble. Angel was in trouble and he was calling for her. Oh, God.

The fear that had encompassed her heart at that moment was unparralled to anything she felt before, and for a moment, she felt completely paralyzed by it.

She forced herself to calm down, to try and to think this out, but after about ten seconds of trying, she gave that up and stumbled to the doorway.

Suddenly what he said didn't matter to her, her anger had suddenly faded away, and it was replaced by fear, pure fear that he was in trouble, fear that she would get there too late, that she wouldn't be able to save him, or even worse, not know how to save him.

Nothing mattered but getting to him. It didn't matter that he didn't care about her, what mattered was that she loved him, and that she needed him, and at that moment, he needed her.

Cordelia Chase hailed a cab, and tipped the driver a precious twenty to go back to Angel's office as fast as the taxi would get her there.

Each second was agonizing silence, and as she impatiently waited, her whirling thoughts finally rested on one conclusive thought.

A sense of giving in invaded her, and she closed her eyes, knowing she had made her choice, knowing that what was possibly the hardest choice she had ever had to make, the one that would have caused her the most heartbreak, the most pain and the one thing she had imagined she'd never do.

She didn't know how it had happened, or why it had, all she knew it was the truth.

Her life was with him, and she knew now that there would be no life without him.

She quickly wiped away a tear as she sensed the clarity that had come to her. None at all.

FIN