The Loop

I know he's all soul boy again, but I haven't seen him--yet one more casualty of my break up with Xander. Even though more and more I've been hanging out in the library, I'm out of the loop.

And Angel is even less welcome at slayer central than I am.

It's so weird. I vividly remember the last time he tried to kill me. He knocked me to the ground, all fangs and fury and I knew it was over.

Except I was saved by people I refuse to talk to anymore, except to make snide comments.

And, I remember, after that, how Xander had hugged me, holding me tightly, like he was so afraid that he had nearly lost me.

And, then I remember just a few hours ago when I overheard Willow whining to Buffy about Xander and Faith. Whining that Xander had slept with Faith. My Xander...

For two hours I drove aimlessly around Sunnydale. I kept thinking of places to go, people to see, then I'd remember why I couldn't see them any longer. My old friends really want nothing to do with me. I had disgraced them or something by going out with a loser. They tolerate me because I'm rich and beautiful.

And, my new friends? My friends who betrayed me? Why would I go to them? They don't want me either.

The boys I've been dating have been showpieces only-- trophies to make Xander jealous. Only...he hasn't been looking. He's been...

My parents are out of town as usual, not that they would care that the love of my life has screwed one of his ideal women...and it wasn't me.

Giles? Okay, he is kind of cute, but he has way too many problems of his own, what with no longer being a Watcher and all, and Buffy still being a little pissed at him. And, Wesley...he's cute and fun to flirt with and tease...but, he's also stodgy and kind of clueless. Would he understand my loss? Would he let me babble and cry? Or would he try to control me as he tries to control Buffy.

As he failed to control Faith.

So, who does that leave? Only the one person who has lost as much as I. I know that he, too, slept with Faith. Buffy didn't want to talk about it with Willow when the witch brought it up, but I could hear the pain in the slayer's voice. She and Angel are over.

Xander and I are over.

I have no clue why Angel would have sex with the tramp queen, but then, I have no clue why Xander would either.

I'm out of the loop...

Taking a deep breath, I push open the door and stride inside. If he got a happy and lost his soul again--which I don't believe to be true because surely Buffy would have mentioned it--if he wants to eat me...well, I really don't care anymore.

He looks up, startled, and he stares at me in surprise. "Cordelia."

"Angel."

He rises to his feet, always the gentleman. Well, when he's not trying to kill us all. I find myself fidgeting with the hem of my jacket. Looks like he still has that soul.

What AM I doing here?

"What are you doing here?" he asks, puzzled.

I stare at him for a moment and then the truth hits me. We're both outcasts. No one wants us. Dumped on by the great loves of our lives.

And I start to cry, helplessly, not delicately like I always want to cry, but noisily and sloppily.

He's at my side immediately, gently guiding me to the sofa and sitting next to me, murmuring unintelligible, yet soothing words. I lean against him hesitantly at first, then collapse into his strength.

Pillowing my head on his hard chest, I cry, my mind spinning with images of Faith and Xander, Willow and Xander, even Buffy and Xander. It's always them. The whore, the saint, the superhero.

I'm never in the picture.

And the man holding me is a mystery. Why would he have sex with Faith? Why would he do that to Buffy? As I cry, I remember b.x. how I had made several plays for Angel, yet he had been totally consumed with Buffy. Now Faith?

Surely not, there had to be good explanation. It couldn't just be some kind of slayer sexual lure thing.

I have my own sexual lure and enough proof that it works, but why do I always end up either not catching the ones I want, or, once caught, letting them slip free?

And, enough with the fishing metaphors...

Pulling slightly back from Angel, I sniffle a few times and accept the starched white handkerchief he holds out to me. Wiping my eyes and cheeks delicately, I realize he still has one arm around my back.

It feels nice...comforting.

"Why did you sleep with Faith?"

As soon as I blurt it out, I regret it. His whole face shuts down, his body stiffens, the arm leaves me and he rises to his feet, walking slowly over to the fireplace. He stares into the flames until I've twisted the handkerchief into a tight little rope in my lap.

"How do you know that?" he asks quietly.

"I overheard Buffy and Willow. Why would you do that to Buffy?" I have to know. I have to know why a man of such high principles--and, yeah, I know he's a vampire, but he's about the best man I've ever met--could do that to the woman he claims to love with all his heart and soul.

Even if they can't be together.

Of course, maybe there's the answer. Maybe he was just horny.

"Do you know that Faith has gone rogue?" He glances at me, then returns his gaze to the fire.

"Yeah. Giles and Buffy were talking about it yesterday. She's working for the mayor? And he's a baddy?"

Angel nods and picks up a poker, idly stirring the embers. "We needed to know the mayor's plan and when we discovered that Faith was trying to make me lose my soul, we pretended that it worked. She ended up telling me everything..."

"Let me guess, she was all over you and bad you wouldn't refuse, so you couldn't," I continue, shaking my head slightly at the stupidity of the plan. "And you let Buffy find out?"

"She guessed." His voice is full of pain and loss and I feel a pang of sympathy.

"You did it for her," I whisper. "Yet, she isn't about to thank you for it, is she?"

He straightens up, setting the poker down, before turning to face me, a hard mask covering his features, his eyes a dull brown. "I was unfaithful to her."

"Yeah. It's kind of going around. Infidelity. Must be something about the bitch."

"You know about her and Xander," he says perceptively, and I nod, my chin quivering slightly as new tears clog up my throat. "I believe it was as meaningless to him as it was to me...as it was for Faith."

"He still did it," I whisper, my voice choked with emotion. "You still did it. That it was meaningless, hurts even more. Knowing that Xander screwed her just to get his rocks off, just to do it, hurts more than if he had slept with Willow. At least he has feelings for Willow."

The pain is crushing. Like a weight in the middle of my chest, driving my insides down into the pit of my stomach. I've never known for sure if he slept with Willow. I pretty much doubt that he did. After all, we had dated for nearly a year and had never found the right moment.

Plus, Willow's so damn virginal, it's nauseating.

So, for him to go off and just do it with Faith...I just don't get it.

"Do you still love Xander, Cordelia?"

I look up at Angel and see the softening in his eyes. Slowly I nod. "I never stopped and I don't think I ever will. That doesn't mean we can ever be together again."

He sits down on the hearth, bringing his knees up and wrapping his arms loosely around them, somehow making his pose look incredibly graceful. "I will love Buffy for all eternity...but we already knew we can never be together. The curse prevents it. I can never be truly happy. I don't deserve to be truly happy."

As I'm watching him, I see something shift in his sad eyes and something hits me. "Buffy was miserable without you, when you were in Hell, but she's been even worse with you back, yet untouchable."

He snorts softly. "The problem is that we can touch, just only so far, and that makes it even more unbearable."

"Angel? Did you sleep with Faith to give Buffy a reason to break up with you?" The incredulity that crosses his face gives me my answer. "She never would have given up on you, never would have moved on, never would have found happiness again. You could leave Sunnydale and she'd always be waiting for you to return."

"She deserves a man who can love her completely, who can share her life, her days as well as her nights, for as long as she has left." There's pain in his voice as he speaks, but also great strength. He has lived a long time. Maybe that makes it easier for a person to make such sacrifices.

Or, maybe it's just him.

"She still loves you. I could hear it in her voice when she was talking with Willow earlier. I don't think she's ready to give up."

"Which is why I've decided to leave Sunnydale." He continues, ignoring my surprise. "You're right, it doesn't guarantee that she will give up, but I think that combined with my infidelity, the physical distance will make it easier on her to find someone else, to move on emotionally."

"Where are you going? When?"

"L.A. I have contacts there. I'll wait until after graduation-- that's when the whole deal with the mayor is going down-- and then slip away in the night. I'm good at it." He makes a self-deprecating noise and I frown.

"Are you going to tell her?"

"Of course...After graduation. She needs to be focused on that right now. I'm distraction enough. I'll just stay as far away from her as possible."

"Return of the lurker, huh?"

He nods and I can see the determination in his eyes. He will keep away from Buffy and he will leave her.

I just wonder if she will be able to give up on him.

I know I'll never stop loving Xander, and so far I've failed miserably at the moving on part. It really galls me that he seems to have forgotten all about the promise our relationship had.

Why can't I forget, too?

"Life sucks."

I don't realize that I've spoken aloud until he chuckles. He so rarely laughs that I look up, startled by the sound.

"Yeah, it pretty much does," he says with a slight bit of wry humor in his voice. "So we hold onto the bits that don't. Like this...This is nice."

It is. Now that I'm not bawling my eyes out all over him. He's...comfortable to be around.

A rather odd thing to think about one of the undead.

"Angel? Would you mind if I came over again some time? Just to talk?"

He smiles and I find myself responding. He's so beautiful when he smiles, when the lines on his forehead relax, and he lets himself be content. "I'd like that, Cordelia."

"You can call me Cordy."

Angel shakes his head slightly. "No offense, but I've always thought that was a rather juvenile nickname and there's nothing juvenile about you."

A sudden warmth floods me as I realize that he likes me, that he doesn't find me irritating like so many other people seem to. I'm not sure where that knowledge comes from, but I know it to be true. Maybe at last I finally have a true friend.

"My grandmother used to call me Delia. It always made me feel very grown up."

He smiles again and I respond, the weight in my chest suddenly lifting. If I've finally found someone to talk to, someone who can understand my pain, maybe it will finally ease for good.

"Delia," he says, letting the letters roll off his tongue. "It suits you."

I rise to my feet, ready at last to go home to my empty house and that carton of Starbucks ice cream that's been calling to me. He stands too, easily, comfortable, and I walk over to him. "Thank you, Angel."

"For what?"

"For listening, for letting me cry, for...giving me a loop."

That puzzles him for a moment, but then I see when he understands and he takes my hands in his. "Thank you, too, Delia. For understanding more than anyone ever gives you credit for. It's nice not to be alone."

His lips brush my forehead and I flush with happiness. There's nothing sexual about it for either of us and I'm glad. I've never been friends with a man before.

This is really nice.

With my heart feeling lighter than it has in months, I give him a quick smile, and nearly skip out the door. I know I'll be back.

And, I know he'll welcome me.

Loneliness is so much easier to deal with when you're not really alone.

End