The Diary of Willow Anne Rosenburg

Dear Diary,

He lied to me. I can't do this any more. All he does is lie. I mean, does he even know what the truth is anymore? I've let him tell me again and again that he loves me only to watch him make it another lie by hurting me. Each time he's destroying my soul just a little more. When I gave him my love, I also freely gave him this power that he continues to abuse as he abuses me again and again.

So, why do the demons torment me in my sleep. At first, I believed he could change and that his behavior was my fault. I felt that I had done something wrong to make him mad, that the problem was me, but no matter how much I changed or tried to do this or that to make him happy, it was never enough. He was never happy and he never stopped the pain he caused me. He took something from me and broke it. I can't fix it or move on. I try so very hard, but at night, in my dreams he is still there Mocking me Beating me like before. Reminding me that I will never be whole without him. He tells me I am nothing without him and like a blind fool I believe him. With him there is only one thing that he will bring me and that is my death. I love him. Why does he hit me? Is love a slap across the face, a punch in the stomach. Is it pain, cold hard demoralizing pain that rips you apart?

Why does he want me? He tells me I am nothing, that I am a stupid little child who knows nothing. I am ugly, unattractive. That no one will ever look at me and want me. So why does he? I left him. I got away, so why is he still tormenting me? STOP PAIN!!! Haven't I suffered enough? Why is he not punished for his crimes? They let him go free. They could not imprison him for my pain. From his cage on the full moon he haunts taunts me with that fact the he is not remorseful of his crimes that if he was set him free he would find me and hurt me all over again there is no restraining order or police or deity, anything that I could do to protect myself. I am his and there is no escape for me. There is no release from this cycle of pain.

It's close to the time again. I know that he coming for me again I feel it. I see it. His van coming up the street form my window. He is going to hurt me again. I still wonder what I did to anger him.He was so sweet at the beginning, making me forget the past and all the unrequited love that I had felt for Xander. He took his time and let me fall for him. He made sure that it wasn't just that I didn't want to be alone but that I wanted to be with him. So sweet and tender always quiet in a group, a wolf in a sheep's clothing was what he was. The first time I saw what he really was I could believe it. I can see things more clearly now. They say hindsight is 20/20. Now I see all the little warning signs I missed then, the possessiveness and underlying violence about him. I told myself that it was just his wolf nature, that he wasn't in control, but then it became more and frequent and I had to admit the truth. It wasn't the wolf, it was him. I should have left then. I should have told Giles or Buffy or even Xander. I didn't. I stayed. Foolishly. I stayed thinking that my love would change things, that if I was perfect he couldn't hurt me and it would be like before he was hitting me. I remember the first time. I think that first time I was in shock, numb that this man I loved and trusted could do something like that. He apologized and gave me a beautiful yellow rose. It means forgiveness, he told me. He said that he wanted to be forgiven and that is would never happen again. I believed him that first time. I really did, but after a while I stopped believing it. I just said the words so that I wouldn't be alone anymore.

Finally, while he was hitting me, I started thinking that this was going to be my life. If I didn't leave him one day he would kill me. I really didn't want to die. It had gone on too long. What would the others think? In some ways it was my fault. I let him do this to me. I didn't stop him and I lied and made excuses. I hid the truth from them. Why would they believe me now? Stop! They love you and they will protect you, I told myself. I didn't tell Buffy or Giles or Xander. I just couldn't stand to see the pity their eyes, so I told the only other person I trusted Angel. It's a funny thing, he knew before I told him. I guess being two centuries old you pick up on things faster. He bandaged my wounds and held me, telling me it wasn't my fault and that he would protect me. I felt safe in his arms. I finally started to tell him my story of how it began.

School.....

"Oz is playing at the Bronze tonight isn't he?" Buffy asked.

"As always. We are going to meet up after the show you know, and hang" Willow said, slightly blushing.

"Oooo Willow is getting some major smoochie action, huh?" Buffy replied, teasing her a little. "Well. Umm, yeah. He is so great. I really do love him." Willow said and then rushed to class.

That night at the Bronze....

"Oz, you were great." Willow told her boyfriend.

"Thanks. Lets just get out of here," Oz replied.

Willow and Oz said their goodbyes and left the Bronze.

The Rosenberg home .....

 Willow's parents were away at some convention. Willow and Oz sat in the living room not really watching the movie they had rented. They were too busy cuddling and kissing. It was getting really intense, but then Willow pulled away.

"What's wrong Willow? Why are being such a little tease?" Oz said frustrated.

"I'm not, I'm just not ready. We agreed to wait," Willow defended herself, a little hurt at the accusation.

"I have been waiting. I bet you wouldn't be this way if I was Xander," Oz shot at her.

"That's it. I'm not listening to this anymore. I don't know what's gotten into you, but I think you should leave." Willow told him as she tried to get up.

Oz was too fast for her and with almost predatory grace he pinned her wrists together over her head with one hand. He was fully against and her she could feel his arousal. Willow was terrified and began to tremble. Oz could smell her fear. It was such a power-rush.

"Oz, What are you doing?" Willow said, clearly scared and confused.

"I am so tired of your Little Miss Innocent act, Willow. It's time to play." Oz said coldly.

"Oz, No! Stop! You're hurting me." Willow cried out in pain and fear.

"Yeah, and I know you love it." Oz said. His voice was cold and sadistic.

Oz forced her down on the couch, bruising her wrists. Oz pinned her and maneuvered himself so that he was sitting on her legs. The first blow stunned Willow. She watched passively as he beat her. Her mind went numb and all she felt was the pain. The pain was enough. It was blinding. Willow didn't make a sound to cry out. All she could do was keep repeating in a small, broken voice, "Oz, no."

After what seemed like forever, Oz stopped. He released her and got up and walked out of the house. After a while, Willow got up and went to her room, still in shock. Too soon the shock wore off and the tears came. Willow curled up in a ball on her bed, rocking and crying. After what seemed like forever, she got up and undressed, looking in the mirror. She couldn't believe her body. She saw the bruises everywhere, over her breasts, stomach and legs. She looked once again at the purplish coloring that covering her body. Then she turned around and saw the gashes on her back . They were light and would heal quickly. She just wanted to sleep and wake up to find that it had all been a sick little dream. Deep down she knew better. She took a hot shower and doctored her back. After putting on a loose gown she laid down and went to sleep.

The next Morning.....

Willow woke up to her alarm. She turned it off and felt the pain all over her body. The events of the night before came rushing back to her. She got dressed, covering her bruised body with clothing. She ate a quick breakfast, got her books together and left for school.

School....

When Willow got into the Library she sat down at the computer and started to research the latest threat to humanity. Giles greeted her with a warm "Hello." Soon Buffy bounced through the door in true slayer fashion. She ran up and hugged Willow. Willow gasped and pulled away in pain.

"Willow, what's wrong? What happened?" Buffy asked .

"Vamps. Nothing that won't heal," Willow lied.

Just then Oz walked in, wanting to talk to Giles.

"Where is Giles. I need to talk to him?" Oz asked.

"He's in his office," Buffy answered, totally unaware of the events of the previous night.

"Cool," Oz said. Then he looked at Willow and gave her a patented Oz Smile.

"Hey Babe," Oz said.

"Hey Oz, I have to get to class. I'll see you later, ok?" she replied.

Willow made a hasty exit to class. At lunch Oz caught up with her and convinced her to go to his van so that they could talk. He looked so sad and even remorseful that she began to believe him.

"Willow, babe, I don't know what came over me. I am so sorry. It will never happen again. I love you so much. I am just afraid of losing you." Oz told her.

"I don't know if I can trust you or forgive you Oz," Willow told him.

Oz reached into his van and pulled out three yellow roses handing them to her.

"A yellow rose means forgiveness. I know it's a lot to ask. but please forgive me. It will never happen again." Oz told her with a pleading look in his eyes.

"Oh, Oz I forgive you. It will take time to trust you again, but I am willing to try." Willow told him.

Oz pulled Willow into his arms and held her tightly, though not so tight that it hurt her bruised body. They walked to class together.