Chapter 7:  Making the Pieces Fit

“I never told you Buffy simply because it wasn’t my place.  I try not to get involved in your, er, personal life and I thought that you’d both tell me when you were ready.  I received this diary about a year ago and called Spike immediately in hopes that he could track Xander down so we could get some answers from him.  I thought about calling Angel but I thought that with the. . .sensitive nature of some of the diary entries that it was best he didn’t get involved.

Buffy sat on the couch and listened to her Watcher’s explanation.  When he said it they way he did, she couldn’t help but feel that he’d done the right thing.  “Your right Giles.  I didn’t think you could make me see it any other way than the way I did, but you did.  I’m glad Will convinced me to wait until morning to talk to you.”

“From the description she gave of your apartment I’d have to say I need to thank her for that.”  He smiled.  “Speaking of which, where is she?”

Buffy furrowed her brow.  “You know, I don’t know.  She walked outside for fresh air a while ago.”

“Why don’t you go see what’s keeping her and Spike and I will see what we can come up with concerning the prophesy.”

Willow was sitting with her feet stretched out on the fountain.  She pulled a tissue from her pocket and wiped a tear from her eye.  She’d just finished reading the diary for. . .well, she couldn’t remember how many times she’d read it by now.

As shocking and hurtful it had been to find out about Xander’s interference, it almost paled in comparison to how she felt reading about Xander and Buffy’s ‘relationship’.  She had pushed it out of the way the first time she read about it, there were more important matters to deal with, but now sitting alone she allowed the reality of it all to sink in.

Xander – the boy she’d loved for as long as she could remember – and Buffy had some sort of secret relationship that neither one of them ever told her about.  Did they think it wouldn’t matter to her?  Did they do it because they were afraid she’d be hurt?

“Will?”

She looked up.  “Buffy, you startled me.  I didn’t see you standing there.”

Buffy crossed the courtyard and sat down on the edge of the fountain.  “I guess you didn’t.”  Buffy looked at her closely.  “You’ve been crying.”  She took the diary out of Willow’s lap.  “and you’ve been reading this over and over since we took it home last night.”  She put her hand on Willows.  “We’ll get through it.  As soon as Xander wakes up he has a lot of explaining to do.”

Willow closed her eyes and leaned back further into the chair.  “Why didn’t you tell me?”  She whispered.  “And don’t play dumb with me Buffy, I’m talking about you and Xander.”

“Oh.”  Was all she managed after a few moments.

Willow opened her eyes and looked down at the Slayer.  “Yeah.  That’s kind of what I thought you’d say.”  She rose up and walked away a few paces.

Buffy sat for a few moments trying to gather her thoughts.  What exactly could she say in her own defense?  Looking  back on it she was lonely, she was afraid, she was missing Willow horribly. . .but none of that seemed like a valid explanation now.  She walked up behind Willow and tried to start at the beginning.  “You left.  Xander and I were patrolling together and he moved in after graduation.  We got closer.  Anya got bored with him and left for God knows where.  We got letters from you but. . .but for me it still wasn’t enough.  It was like. . .it was like when you left you took a part of me with you and I didn’t want. . .I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself.”

“Riley and I kinda just fell apart after a while and he broke it off.  He said I was distracted and he was right.  The night Xander and I almost. . .he couldn’t go through with it.  I guess now we know the real reason why.  I told him I felt like I was missing something in my life after you left.  He suggested that we call you and that was the night Giles told you we threatened to come out to England if you didn’t call us back.”  She laughed a little.  “God Will, I was so ecstatic when you called.  Just to hear your voice. . just to hear you laugh.  I said all the wrong things and I made you feel bad.  Bad enough that you flew all the way across the ocean to see us.”

Willow stood there with her back to Buffy.  Tears fell silently as the Slayer spoke.  She wasn’t sure how to react. . .how to feel about everything.  Buffy turned to Xander because she missed her. . .because she felt an emptiness in her life.  Willow guessed that’s the same reason she turned first to Tim then later to Cordelia.  She’d never change what happened with Cordy, but with Tim. . he turned out to be a demon and the head of the Watcher’s Council.  None of this would have happened if Xander had just minded his own business and let their lives be.  But he got involved way over his head, was tricked by some rogue Council member to twist their memories and now here they were.  Where exactly was here?  And now that they were here. . .where were they going now?  Now Willow was starting to feel guilty. . .she had a few secrets of her own.

“Will?”  Buffy sighed and ran her hand through her hair nervously.  “Say something please. . .the silence is killing me.”

She turned around slowly.  If she was gonna do this, she had to do it now and face what ever Buffy felt after it was said and done with.  “I. . I didn’t fly across the ocean to see you Buffy.  I actually flew about an hour.”  Buffy gave her a confused look, but she continued on.  “I. . .I lived with Cordelia for about six or seven months while I was in therapy.  I told you about that. . .but I didn’t tell you for how long or when it was.  When you called Giles I wasn’t in Wales. . I was in L.A. and Giles called me after you called him. . .he was pretty frantic and took you seriously.”

“I talked about it with Cordy and decided that I’d leave that Friday to see you.  I felt so guilty that I was less than 3 hours away and didn’t even call or try to see you guys but I wasn’t exactly there on a vacation.  I went a few months after the attack. . .I didn’t want to bother you or Xander with my problems and I knew you had Slaying and Xander had. . .well, what ever it was that he was doing then.  So when Giles suggested I go, I didn’t put up much of a fight.  I just couldn’t take you seeing me like that. . .it was horrible, so horrible and I put Cordelia through hell literally. . .I just didn’t want you to think any less of me.”

Buffy took a moment or two and processed everything that Willow said.  “Truthfully I should be mad at you for not telling me you were only three hours away.”  She took Willow’s hand in her own.  “But I understand it.  I know that you needed to do things in your own way, your own time. . .you always have.  You need to know right now that I would never think any less of you for anything. . .you couldn’t have stopped the attack and we both know it. . .as for Cordelia, well. . .maybe she was just what you needed back then.  And Xander was what I needed.”

Willow wiped a tear away and smiled.  “No more secrets?”

“Absolutely not.”  Buffy pulled her into a hug.  “You know everything there is to know about me, Will.  Everything.”

“Mmm. . but your gonna have to remind me about some of the finer details.”

Buffy looked at her.  “Like what?”

“Like this.”  She kissed her.

All the air would have gone out of the room had they been in one.  The birds stopped singing, the tree’s stopped swaying in the breeze. . .everything ceased to exist except for the two of them joined at the lips.

Buffy soon had to struggle for some air.  Air was good.  Good air.  “Will, as much as I love kissing you. . .”

”Public place. . .I know.”  She pouted a little bit then her face brightened up.  “But. . our place isn’t so public.  It’s very private really and it has doors you can close and a bed. . .”

”You’re tempting me.  Prophesy ring a bell in that cute little red head of yours?”

Willow pouted again.  “Prophesy smophesy. . . I want smoochies.”  To demonstrate her point, she kissed Buffy again.

“Ok. . .I think Giles can handle things by himself for a while.”  She kissed Willow’s earlobe lightly.  “Don’t you?”  She whispered.

“Uh huh.”  Willow grabbed Buffy’s hand and they ran up the stairs and in the direction of their apartment.

A very amused vampire was standing in the window shaking his head.  “Somebody’s gonna get shagged. . “  He whispered in a sing-song voice.

Giles looked up from his book.  “Did you say something, Spike?”

“I said this research is such a drag.”  He smiled to himself and shook his head again.