Chapter 4:  Saying Without Speaking

She’d just dusted the last of the late risers and was headed back for home when she stopped short.  “I know you’re there.”

He waited a moment then jumped down from the tree he was sitting in.  “Not so stealthy guy anymore.  I’ll have to work on that.”

“What were you doing up there, Xand?”

“Just keepin my eye on ya.”  He shrugged and offered a slight grin.

She scrunched her eyebrows.  “Now one more time with feeling.”  She beckoned him to follow her.  “Come on.  What’s on your mind?”

He sighed and was lost in thought for a moment before he answered.  “Is. . well, is everything okay?  Between you and Will I mean.”

”Why do you ask?”

“I sensed some tension the night I came home and even more when we were researching.”

She sighed and stopped walking.  “We’re having a hard time adjusting.  She’s been away for a while and. . .”

”Feed me anything Buff, you know I’ll take it. . .but don’t feed me that line of bullshit.”  She gave him a look of shock, but he continued.  “Everything went back to normal when she came for a visit during her freshman year at Oxford.  We were the Scoobs all over again the minute she walked through the door.  Now things are, well, different.”

“It’s complicated.”  She shrugged and continued walking.

He stood there then fell back into step with her.  “Do you love her?”

“Of course I do, she’s one of my best friends.”

He grabbed her arm.  “You know what I mean, Buffy.  Don’t play dumb with me.”

“Xander let go.  What the hell is up with you?”

“Don’t be evasive girl with me.  You love her, she loves you, what’s the problem?”

She shook her head.  “It’s not that simple.”

“Did she find out about. . .”

”God no Xander!  Not if I ever want her to speak to me again.  What am I supposed to say to her?  Gee Will, Xander and I got all cuddly when you were at Oxford because I didn’t want to admit I was in love with you.”  Her eyes widened and her hand covered her mouth.

“I knew, I’ve always known.”

She shook her head.  “No.  I didn’t tell anyone.  I never. . .”

“Let me tell you something, Buffy.  I’ve been on the road more often than not in the past five years.  The things I’ve seen, well, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  I’ve slept in rat infested shacks and roach motels and I’ve been beaten to within an inch of my life too many times to count.  You know what kept me going?  You.  You and Will.  You guys were my lifeline out there.  I kept on thinking, ‘how would Buffy get out of this?’ or ‘if I was as smart as Will, what would she do?’.  And you know what I came up with?  You’d go to her for advice and she’d do the same.  I’ve known Willow all my life and I know when she loves someone with all her heart, I can tell. . .unless of course it’s me then I’m Blindboy.  The fact of the matter is that no matter how hard I tried, I could never be to you what she is and I could never be to her what you are.”

She put her hand on his.  “Xander, what happened to you out there?”

He looked down for a moment, lost in thought.  <Everything happened to me, Buff.  Everything, too much and not enough.>  “It doesn’t matter.  Not now.”  He lifted his head and suddenly he was like the old Xander again.  “Go to her Buffy.  Fix things before it’s too late.  She loves you I can see it in her eyes.  She never even looked at Oz like that, or me.  What ever it is your punishing yourself for, just stop.  It’s not worth it.  I know how you can get so just don’t.  The only thing you have to do is let her love you.”  He kissed her forehead and touched her cheek for a moment.  “It’s not too late.  Night roomie.”  And he walked off into the night.  <God knows it’s too late for me.>

She let herself into the house quietly so as not to disturb the sleeping form she knew would be on the couch.  The talk with Xander really had her shook up.

“Buffy?”  A sleepy voice called from the couch.

“Yeah, Will.”

”How was patrol?”  She sat up and wiped the sleep from her eyes.

“Piece of cake.  I ran into Xander.”  She sat down next to the redhead.

“Yeah?  How is he?  I made him promise he’d stop in for some quality Oreo cookie’s and milk time but he hasn’t yet.”

”He’s good, I guess.  He’s being, I don’t know.”

“Mystery guy?”

“Yeah.  It’s like he’s not saying everything he wants to say.  I got a lot out of him tonight.  Apparently he had it really rough these past few years while traveling.  He never let on in his letters.  I wonder why?”

Willow shrugged.  “I’m not sure.  There’s something missing in his eyes.  He always looks so tortured.  Reminds me of Angel.”

Buffy nodded.  “Yeah.  He’s still perceptive though.  He knows there’s something off.  Between us I mean.”

”Something is off between us. . .you can’t sleep on the couch forever you know.”  Buffy got up and began to walk away only to be stopped by Willow grabbing her arm.  “Hey.  Talk to me.”

She couldn’t face her, couldn’t look at her.  Things had gotten better, but not really.  “Will, can we just not?  I’m too tired to fight and I need a shower.”

”Who said anything about fighting?”  She rose from the couch and put her hands around the Slayer’s waist.  “That’s the last thing I wanna do.  I’ve been home for almost three days and we haven’t even slept in the same bed.”

”I fell asleep”

”Watching TV, I know.”  Willow nuzzled her neck and placed a kiss there.  “I’ve missed you.  YOU you.  Know what I mean?”

Buffy sighed in her arms.  “Will. . .”

”Shh, not now.  I don’t wanna talk.”  She turned her around so they were face to face.  She leaned in to kiss her, but Buffy turned her head and Willow kissed her cheek.  “Buffy, what are you so afraid of?”

“I don’t know, Will.”  She closed her eyes to possibly keep the tears from coming.  “When you left it was like, God, it was like when Angel left but worse in a lot of ways.”  She pulled from the redheads embrace and stepped a few paces away.  “All I could think was what if she doesn’t come back?  What if she meets someone there and forgets all about me?  What if I’m not good enough anymore?”  She turned to face her now.  “And Xander?  He left too, Will.  He packed up his things and left me a note and walked out of my life.  He didn’t even say goodbye.”  She began to pace.  “We brought you to the heli-port so you could go to LAX and go back to England.  I went on patrol, he went home and packed.  I stayed downstairs with my mom that night so I never even knew until the next morning.”

“Buffy. . .”

”So you see Will?  You left, Xander left. . .and now your both back.  Who’s to say your not gonna leave again?”  She stopped and leaned against the wall, bringing her arms around herself.

Willow approached her.  “I’m here to say it.  As much as I can mean it, I can say that I’m not gonna leave you.  I can’t promise that Giles won’t send me on an assignment that you can’t go on, or that my parents are gonna suddenly call me to come visit them, but. .”  She wrapped her arms around the girl in front of her.  “I can promise you that I’d hate the idea of being away from you again.  Buffy, I never WANT to leave you again.  If I have any control over my life for the rest of it, I’d steer it towards yours and never let go.  So this way it’s our life, not just yours or mine.  Ours.”

She swallowed the tears down.  “I want to believe you Will. . .”

”If you don’t believe my words, then let me prove it to you with actions.”  She took her hand and led her to the bedroom.  Willow softly closed the door and lit a few candles that were scattered around the room.

Buffy stood at the foot of the bed, their bed, feeling like a scared teenager again.  In truth it had been two years since that amazing night in Spike’s attic.  They’d had two nights just like it since then.  Once on Buffy’s birthday and on the night before Willow went back to Oxford.  Sex hadn’t been important to them, truth be told, they’d achieved a greater and more lasting bond by getting to know each other inside and out.  Nothing was more intimate than looking in your lovers eyes, seeing a small change there and knowing exactly what it was and how to fix it.  It was an almost spiritual experience to know someone that well.

Willow approached her from behind.  Slowly, she slipped the sweater Buffy was wearing off her shoulders.  She laid it on the bed and kissed her neck.  “I never want to leave you again.”  <I love you Buffy.  You have to believe me.>

Buffy turned and gazed into her eyes.  “I couldn’t take it if you. . .”  She was cut off by a kiss.  <I love you Will.  But I’m scared.>  She wrapped her arms around Willow’s waist.

She froze and opened her eyes.

“Will?  What is it?”  <Oh, God. . .I’ve done something wrong.>

She shook her head.  “No you haven’t.”  She whispered.

It was Buffy’s turn to freeze.  “But I didn’t. . “

“Kiss me.”

”Will, I don’t. underst . .”

”Just do it.  Trust me.”

Buffy leaned in and kissed her again.  The kiss grew in intensity when Willow opened her mouth to ask for more.  Buffy entwined her tongue with Willows and both girls breathing increased.  <God, Will. . .torture to be away from you for so long.>

Willow pulled away and gasped.  “I can hear your thoughts.”

”No.  It’s impossible.”

”You just said that it was torture to be away from me so long.”

”Oh.”  She blushed a moment but then became concerned.  “What does this mean?  Why can’t I hear what your thinking?”

“I don’t know, but I know someone who might.”  She sighed in resignation.  This wasn't exactly the night she had planned.

Buffy nodded and put her sweater back on.  “Giles.”