She made her way down the street quickly.  There were things to do, places to see, and she felt like she never had enough time for anything these days.  Punching in the key code at the entrance, she waited for the familiar beep to allow her access.

It was brimming with activity this afternoon.  People mulled about here and there.  She caught clips of conversations, but nothing she’d feel comfortable commenting on.  They were here for privacy, after all, and safety.  She felt that she could afford them that much.

She quickly made her way to the back office and put her coat up on the hook.  Turning around, she caught sight of something she never thought she’d see.

“Angel.”

He punched a few more keys on the computer, then turned around and smiled.  “Willow.  How was your meeting?”

“Fine.  How’s it going today?  When I left, we had three waiting.”

“One down, two to go.  They don’t want to come out just yet I guess.”

She smirked.  “Who can blame them?”

He nodded in agreement.  “Did you see Cordelia on your way through?”

“No.  I haven’t seen her all day.”

“Odd.  She went upstairs this morning and I haven’t seen her since.”

Willow shrugged.  “So when does the next bus leave?”

He looked at his watch.  “Not until nine.  We have time to wait for the two late ones.”

”Good.  If you need me I’ll be over by the rooms.”  She walked out and went down a hallway.  Two short minutes later, she was standing in front of a large window, smiling at the woman laying there.  She gave a friendly little wave then walked in.  “Looks like someone doesn’t want to meet you just yet.”

She wiped sweat from her brow.  “No.  I hope we don’t miss the bus.”

”You won’t.  How do you feel?”

“Like I could sleep for a week.  I’ve been in here since 2 am.”  Just then, her features changed and a monitor at her side began to beep.  Doctors and nurses swarmed into the room and Willow was long forgotten.  She walked out and stood by the window to watch, out of the way.

It was a good idea.  Angel called her a genius, although she could hardly argue with him.  She suggested that the warehouse under his office should be converted into a shelter for the Badahu demons who were on the run from the Initiative.  Using some of her own expense account and some of the Council’s, she set the plan in motion.  Within a week, they moved the woman and her demon husband from the motel to the warehouse.  It was a close call, but Angel had managed to get the word out and soon they were taking in two and three families a day.  Most of the women were pregnant and needed care, and that’s when the birthing rooms were set up.  Angel was able to keep his word to Riley, and he had kept his word about the Initiative not being involved.

Exactly a week after their meeting in the woods, Buffy started to really track the demons.  They were almost caught when Angel made a last minute trip to Sunnydale to pick up two women, but Angel made the excuse to her that he was taking his computer back to L.A. for Wesley.  The women cowered in his bedroom while Buffy helped him load up his computer in the car.  She watched him drive off and he came back an hour later to get them.

Willow watched with wide eyed wonder as the baby demon was lifted from it’s mother.  She walked back into the room and produced two identical tags.  She tied one to the mother’s arm and one to the child’s.  They found out the hard way that when the demons were born it was almost impossible to tell them apart.  She wasn’t about to make the same mistake again.

She noted the pointy ears and smiled.  “It’s a girl.  They’re just going to take her in to be cleaned off and bring her right back.  Congratulations.”  The woman smiled and thanked her.

Willow turned and picked up the phone.  “Angel?  Room three. . .it’s a girl. . . yeah. . . one to go. . . I’m gonna head upstairs and see what Cordy’s up to. . .bye.”

Willow walked down a long corridor to the elevator.  <Three months.  Has it really been three months since I got here?>  The elevator made it’s familiar creak and jolt as it stopped on the second floor.

Willow walked into the back office.  Cordelia was nowhere to be found.  She walked over to the desk and sat down.  <Now where could she be?>  Noises came from the front office.  Happy laughing noises.  She got up and peeked through the blinds.

“Thank you for lunch, Joe.”

”Anytime, Cordelia.”  He bent down and kissed her on the cheek.  “I’ll let you know if anything comes up.”  He lingered a moment and heads out the door.

Willow quickly moved away from the blinds and scampered over to the desk.  Cordelia walks in seconds later.  “Willow.”

She was faking interest in a magazine.  “Hi.  Lunch date?”

Cordelia walked over and took the magazine from her and put it right side up.  “Yeah, you could say that.”  She smiled and walked over to hang up her coat.

Color crept into Willow’s cheeks.  “Known him long?”

“I’ve been seeing him since I got to L.A.”

”Oh.”

She turned back to Willow and smiled.  “Yeah.   Joe’s a great agent.”

“Agent?  He’s your agent?”

“Yes.  Why would you think differently?”

“No reason.”  She looked around the room, disinterested.  This was hard, really hard.  Things hadn’t progressed past kissing with Cordy and even that was infrequent.  She ran so hot and cold all the time and now was no exception.  Not in the mood for a fight, Willow got up and headed towards the door.  “I’m heading back home.  Will you be there soon?”

She opened her mouth to say something but thought better of it.  She just nodded and smiled.

Willow gave her one last look and walked out the door.

“Take that you creep!”  Xander had pushed the last vampire back against the mausoleum.  Buffy sprang up and drove the stake home.  They were covered in dust.

“Man, that guy had to be at least three hundred pounds to produce all this dust.”

He shook his hair out.  “Yeah.  Guess vampires don’t discriminate.  They turn anyone.”

”That was the last of them.  Let’s head home.”

They walked along in silence.  The cemetery had been on the other side of town, so it took them about fifteen minutes to reach the Summer’s residence.

Xander let out a heavy sigh as he followed Buffy up the stairs to their apartment.  “We really need a set of wheels, Buff. . .and maybe even an escalator while I’m thinking of it.”

She shook her head.  “Exercise is good for you, Xand.”

”Hey, I exercise.  Plenty.”

She opened the door and hung the keys up.  “Yeah.  It’s a long trip from the couch to the fridge and back again.  You must be exhausted.”

He began to creep up behind her.  “Oh, ha ha. . .the Slayer thinks she’s doing stand up now.”  He grabbed her around the waist and they fell to the couch.  “Let’s see how funny she thinks she is up against the tickle monster!”

They struggled on the couch, then the floor.  Finally, Buffy had had enough so she pulled her legs back and gave him one swift shove.  He flew across the room and landed on top of the table that was against the wall – breaking it in half.

She scrambled over to him.  “Xand!  Are you okay?  I am so sorry!”

He laid there in a heap for a few moments then sat up, shaking his head.  “Okay and ouch.”  He reached up and touched the bump forming on his head.

She reached over and touched it and he winced.

“Rule number one with injuries. . .no touching.”

She pouted.  “I didn’t mean to do it.  Here, let me get you an ice pack.”  She got up and headed to the kitchen.

He made his way over to the couch and there was a knock on the door. “Come in.”

”What happened here?”

Buffy turned.  “Mom.  Sorry if we woke you.”

“Yeah.  We were just horsin’ around.  Sorry.”  Xander gave her a sheepish grin.

She wasn’t amused.  “Clean up this mess before you go to bed.”

“Yes ma’am.”

”Sorry mom.  Guess I don’t know my own strength.”

Joyce shook her head and closed the door behind her.

Buffy walked over to the couch, sat down and put the ice pack to his head.  “I am sorry, Xander.”

He nodded.  “I know.  No big.  I should know better than to unleash the tickle monster on the Slayer.  I’m gonna get myself staked one of these days.”

”I would never stake you.  You’re my bud.”

He smiled and reached for the remote.  They watched TV for a while and after going through the channels another six times, decided it was time to turn in.  They got up and stretched.

“Lights, Xand.”

He walked her to her room and smiled.  “I forgot to tell you.  I got a letter from Willow today.”

”Yeah, me too.  She sounds really happy out there.”

”Yeah.  They’re keeping her busy though.”

Buffy’s expression saddened.  “I miss my Willow-shaped friend.”

He nodded.  “Me too.  It’s almost a year and a half.  The longest we’ve been apart was in the fifth grade when I got the chicken pox.”

“Yeah?  I think the longest we were apart was that summer I took off.  Three months.”  She shrugged.

“Longest three months of my life.”  His head shot up to gauge her reaction.  “For Will and I. . .I meant.”  He added as an afterthought.

“I know what you meant.”  She reached up and straightened his collar unnecessarily.  She smoothed out the fabric of his shirt against his chest and left her hands there.  “I always know what you mean.  Even when you don’t say it.”

He took a deep breath.  “So, we should, uh. . .”

She looked up at him.  “Yeah, I guess we should. . .”

He reached up and touched her wrists.  “I’m going to have an incredibly adult thought here and say I need to go to my room.  Now.”

He moved to go but she still hung on.  “Xand.”

He shook his head and looked at her sadly.  “We can’t.”  He whispered.

“Why?”

“Because it’s not forever with you and I know that.  It’s just for now. . .until another Angel or Riley comes along.”

“Nothing is forever.”

“Buffy.”  He sighed.

“Even the big bad Slayer needs someone to chase the monsters away. . .even if it’s only for a little while.”  She touched his cheek.

”See?  You said you need someone.  Not that you need me.”

“I do need you Xander. . .I always have.”

”But not like this.  Never before, so why now?”

She placed her head against his chest.  “This is going to sound like the worst cliché in the world, but I’m lonely and so are you.  Why should we be alone if we can have each other?”

He lifted her chin so he could look at her.  “Because it would only be for now. . .and I don’t think I could live like that.”

She smiled sadly and nodded.  “Stay with me? Just sleep like last time.”

Willow walked through the door and looked around the apartment.  There was no sign of Cordy.  She half expected her to be perched on the couch ready to give the ‘mom’ lecture about going out in the city alone and questioning her as to her whereabouts.  She wasn’t sure if she was glad or angry she hadn’t waited up.

She put her keys on the table and removed her coat.  Walking to the kitchen, she saw a glass of water and two pills float towards her.  “Thanks Dennis.”  She looked at the pills.  “Aspirin?”  She felt her hand nudge towards her mouth.  “Okay, okay . . .I’ll take them.”  She put them in her mouth and washed them down with water.

“Where have you been?”  Cordelia’s disembodied voice came from the kitchen table.

Willow turned on the lights.  “I didn’t see you sitting there.  I was out.”

Her arms were crossed and she showed no surprise.  “I see.”

Willow rolled her eyes.  “I can go out alone, Cordy.  I’m not a teenager and I don’t have a curfew.”

She looked hurt.  “I know.”  She stood up and moved closer.  “I was worried, I guess.”  She shrugged.

“I took a walk around the city to clear my head.  I stopped into this little hole in the wall bar, had a few drinks, and walked back here.”

”I didn’t ask for an explanation.”

She turned and walked away.  “Well, you got one.”

Cordelia followed her.  “What’s with the ‘tude?”

She turned.  “Nothing.  I . . I think it’s time I go back to England.”

“What?”  She gave her an incredulous look.

“I can finish my therapy sessions in England.  There’s really nothing left for me to do here.  I helped Angel set up the clinic and I think it’s time for me to go.”

“Willow.”

”Cordy, can we just not?  There’s nothing for me here except stress and aggravation.  I don’t need it.”

“That’s all this trip has been to you?  Stressful?”  She couldn’t believe her ears.

She turned her back.  “Honestly?  Yes. . .I can’t do this with you, I’m not up for it.  I can’t argue, can’t stand here and watch you run hot and cold, can’t wonder what you’re thinking all the time.  It’s too hard.”

She was silent.

Willow turned to her.  “This isn’t what I’m here for, Cordy.  I’m here to get better. . .to try and feel safe and comfortable in my skin again.”  She dropped her voice to a whisper.  “You’re not helping.”

“I’m not trying not to help.”  Her voice cracked.  “Just the opposite.”  She crossed the room and stood in front of her.  “I. . .God, this is hard.”

She nodded.  “I know.  Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to. . .”

She silenced her with a finger across her lips.  “Don’t.”  Willow closed her eyes.  “Do you think this is easy for me?  To stand by and watch you go through this, alone?  Well, it’s not.”  She stepped back and walked over to the fireplace.  “You wake up screaming every morning in a cold sweat and all I can offer you is a cold washcloth.  You come home from therapy or late from the warehouse and sit in your bed and cry yourself to sleep.  I don’t know what to do.”

Willow listened to everything she had to say.  Truth be told, she never expected that what she was going through would have an effect on Cordelia.  In hindsight, how couldn’t it affect her?  She walked up behind her and placed her hand on her shoulder.  “Cordy.”

”Don’t, Will.  You shouldn’t be comforting me over your problems.”  She turned around to face her.  “I’m not good at this stuff.”

Willow smiled.  “You can say that again.”

”Hey!”

”But now that we know what the other is thinking. . .it might be easier.”

”You mean you’ll stay?”

She nodded and hugged her.  “Hmm, a heart to heart with Cordelia Chase.  The surprises just keep coming.”  She felt the other girl stiffen.  She pulled away.  “Hey, I was just kidding.”

She looked down.  “I know, but, could you not?”

Willow reached out and touched her face.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean. . .”

”I’m sorry too.”  She closed her eyes and leaned into the hand that cupped her cheek but pulled away after a few moments.

Willow’s hand dropped.  “Why’d you do that?”

“Willow, I think. . . I think we’re both really tired and we need to go to bed.”  She walked away into the bedroom.

Willow stood there for a few moments contemplating her actions.  Every time she and Cordy had a ‘moment’, something happened that sent them back further from where they started.  She followed into the bedroom a few minutes later, gathered her pajama’s and sat down on the edge of Cordelia’s bed.  She’d figured out a way to approach this.  “Cordy, can I ask you a question?”

She sat up in bed.  “Sure.  Go ahead.”

”Do you. . .well, I was wondering if you felt, you know, funny, about us, kissing?”

“Funny how?”

She shook her head and got up.  “I don’t know how to explain it.”  She turned away and took off her shirt.  “I guess what I’m trying to say . . .”

”Oh my God!”  She gasped.

Willow turned around and saw the look on her face.  “What?  What’s wrong?”  She rushed over next to her.  “Cordy, what is it?”

He nodded and followed her into the room.  He’d have to be nuts to do this again.  He remembered the last time they slept together.  He woke up entangled in limbs that definitely weren’t his and had to stay in the shower for two hours that morning.  No, sleeping wasn’t the problem.  It was the waking up part that did him in.  To wake up next to her, smell her hair, feel how soft her skin was and the rhythmic breathing. .. .

“Xand?  You coming?”

He shook himself out of his thoughts and climbed into bed next to her.

She snuggled in next to him and placed her hand on his chest.  “My bed’s bigger than your bed.” She whispered in a sing-song voice.

He had to laugh.  “It’s not the size of the bed but what you do with it and that was so grade school by the way.”

She was rubbing tiny circles into his chest.  “Just being silly, I guess.”

He noticed his breathing change.  “Yeah. . .ha ha. . barrel of laughs the Slayer is.”

Her hand moved down to his stomach and she felt him go stock still.  “Xand?”

“Mmm?”  He managed.

“Do you think I’m attractive?”

He let out his breath.  “Of course!  Why do you ask?”

She looked up at him.  “In case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve pulled out everything I know to try and get you to kiss me and you still won’t do it.  Are you gay?”

He laughed nervously.  “No, Buffy, no. . “  He fell silent in thought for a moment.  “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.  It’s the best thing I have going for me and I don’t want to lose it.”

“What if I promised you that wouldn’t happen?  What if I told you that you’d never lose me, even if you tried really, really hard?”

“You can’t promise that.”  He said dryly.

She sat up and looked at him.  “I guess that wouldn’t be fair.”  She ran her fingers through his dark locks.  “I love you. . .in a Xander way.”

He smiled.  “And I love you in a Buffy way.”

“Will, your. . .your back and your, your arms.”

Willow’s head fell.  She’d almost forgotten about that.  Almost.  She was so worried about talking to Cordelia that she’d started to change in front of her absentmindedly.  “It’s not a big deal.”  She said, embarrassed.

She swung her feet out of bed and slid over next to Willow.  “But Will. . .”

”It’s okay, Cordy.  They don’t hurt.”  She shrugged.  “Not anymore anyway.”  She saw the concern on her face.  “It’s okay.  You can touch them.”

Across Willow’s back were five long scar lines from her shoulders to her waist.  They were set in such a way that Cordelia could tell that it had been long, sharp nails that had done it.  Across her arms, right above both of her wrists was one long scar on each arm.  There were probably fifteen, even twenty smaller scars from stitches.  She gently touched the raised skin there.  “I didn’t know. . .”

”Only Giles does.  And the doctor he took me to after the attack.  I wouldn’t let any of the other watchers near me.  Finally I agreed to go to a doctor, but only if Giles took me.  He took the first flight he could get.”

Cordelia looked at her back again and touched the scars there.   They were still raised and even the untrained eye could tell the attack had been recent.  Gently, she placed a light kiss on Willow’s shoulder.

She flinched.  “Cordy, don’t.”  She got up quickly and put her nightshirt on.

“Why not?”

“Cause it’s gross.  You shouldn’t. . .”

”It’s a part of you.  I don’t think you’re gross.  Far from it in fact.”  She stood and walked towards her.

Willow put her hand out to stop her.  “Answer me this one question.  I’ve been here for over three months and we’ve kissed a few times but when I think it’s going somewhere you stop.  Why?”

Cordelia reached out and took Willow’s hand in her own.  “Because I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want you to think I’m using you.  I, Willow. . .I just want you to feel safe.  I feel like, if I push you too far, I’m going to hurt you and that’s the last thing I want.”

Willow looked up at her.  “I came here because the Council was driving me insane!  All of a sudden they didn’t know what to say around me, they didn’t know how to act.  God, even Giles was walking on egg shells when I was around.”  She smiled.  “It’s sweet of you, really. . .but I’m not made of glass, you’re not gonna break me.”  As if to demonstrate her point she kissed her.  It was firm and certain.  She ran her tongue along the edge of her lip and was met with a small gasp from the girl in front of her.  Willow pulled her in closer and entangled her fingers in thick, chocolate colored hair.  She broke the kiss and gave a little smirk.  “See?  I didn’t break.”

She was taken back by the kiss.  She hadn’t been prepared for it or for the feelings it brought to the surface.  She blushed and whispered.  “Yeah. . I see that now.”  She pressed her forehead against Willow’s.  “I’m just afraid.  I’ve never done this before and with all you’ve been through.”  She shrugged.  “I guess I’m scared of how you’ll react. . .and I have scars too and I don’t just mean emotional ones.” She stepped back and pulled up her shirt.  There, Willow saw a thick line that was about three inches long.  Cordelia turned around and on her back was another scar, just as bad.

Willow whispered.  “From the mansion.”

She nodded and walked back over to her.  “So I could never be grossed out from something that I have too.  It’s a part of me and will probably always be there.  Even after I get them removed.”  She leaned in and kissed her.  They’d had enough of talking enough of the ‘what if’s’ and worries.  She spoke to her through her kisses, through her touch.

They somehow wound up on the bed.  As each kiss grew in intensity, Willow became suddenly panicked and pulled back for air.  “Cordy. . .wait.”

 “Okay.”  She stated simply.  “Nothing will happen unless you want it to.”

Willow leaned back against the pillows and closed her eyes.  After a few moments she whispered.  “Thank you.”

Cordelia leaned up and kissed her on the forehead.  “For what?”

“For letting me feel like I have a choice.  It means a lot.”

“You do.  Always.”

Willow sighed and turned to her.  Tears were beginning to make an appearance.  “Cordy, I just want to feel better.  I want to be able to feel something, anything. . .other than this tightness in my stomach all the time.  I feel so numb inside and I feel like if I just keep pushing along, someday I’ll be able to feel the good things again.  Do you know what I mean?”

She wiped a tear away and smiled.  “I do.  I think sometimes that it’s better to feel guilt or anger or even that knot in my stomach because it’s better than feeling nothing at all.”  She kissed her cheek.  “Will, can you let me?  I mean, will you?”

She nodded and it was all the incentive Cordelia needed.  She kissed her with a growing passion and intensity that she’d hardly experienced before.  The kiss was designed to conquer and tame.  They each had their own demons to get under control and the thought that they could do it together, for each other, made her happy.

She looked at him.  Looked deep into his eyes and saw it.  That same look he had in high school.  The glittery ‘I worship the ground you slay on’ glint in his eye.  She thought for a moment and decided that he had never really lost it.  She bent down and placed a light kiss on his lips.  Maybe it was to seduce him, maybe it was because he was just Xander as always, and maybe it was for that look in his eye.  She really couldn’t decide and didn’t want to right at that moment.  She felt his hand come up and touch her shoulder.  Not to push her away, but to draw her in.  In one fluid movement, she straddled him and  put all her weight on him, covering his body with her own.

He couldn’t believe this was happening. Kissing Buffy, Buffy on top of him, Buffy’s hands in his hair, on his skin.  Every thought, every doubt, flew out of his head as she moved to lay on him.  She was tiny and weighed less than he’d ever imagined.  How a body like this took a beating night after night and still had the presence it had. . .the thought sent a shiver down his spine.

She felt him shutter and broke the kiss.  “Is this. . .okay?”  He’d forgotten how to speak, so he just nodded.  “Because as much as I want this, you’re right.  I don’t want to lose what we have.  I don’t want to hurt you, or us.”

He touched her cheek.  “We’ll be okay.  I have a newsflash for you.”  He pulled her down and kissed her lightly.  “I fell for you a long time ago and I know you don’t feel the same.”

”Xand. . .”

”Shh. . .I need to say this.  So if this is what you want. . .if this is what you need, then it’s yours.  If this is all I have to offer you. . .the right now and for now, well then. . .How can I deny you anything?”

“That’s so sweet, Xander.”

Willow gave in to all the feelings coursing through her body.  She rose to each caress and got lost in each kiss.  This felt good, felt better than anything had in a long time and she wasn’t about to give in to the fear she knew would settle in later.  Having gone through what she had in the past year, it was about time she started feeling good, feeling loved.  She used a few well placed touches of her own and when Cordelia responded it made her smile.  She’d done that, she made her feel good, her body was responding to the things that Willow did and she began to feel like she was in more control of things.   She held on to the body beside her like a lifeline.  If only somehow, someway she could feel safe again then everything would be alright.  Forever.

He smiled and pulled her into another kiss.  He felt more confident and in control.  With each kiss, each touch, he allowed himself to get lost in her.  He swam in her eyes and reveled at the softness of her skin.  It was the stuff that dreams were made of, his dreams.  She didn’t love him, not the way he’d desperately hoped she would, but she did love him in her own way. . .she’d said she loved him in a Xander way and he supposed that it was good enough.  For now.