I can’t believe it’s almost two years.

What a bloody mess we found ourselves in.  I’ve never been much for words or memories and such, so you’ll have to bear with me if this becomes jumbled and non-sensical.  Finding trouble has never been that hard for me, come to think of it, trouble has a way of finding me.  So I jumped at the chance to help some mixed breeds end the world.  Who knew what the hell I was getting myself into when I agreed.  Angel knew, I’m sure of it.  Even though he was parading around as Angelus, he knew full well what the hell he was doing.  That’s mostly why he let me in on how he lost his soul.  Yes children, my sire knows me well. . .perhaps too well.  He knew my condition, and he full well knew I was just blowin’ smoke about ending the world.  I told the slayer as much – I like this world, and it’s just gotten better since I found out I could kick some demon ass without the damn head aches.

So old Spike went soft.  I took pity on the old poof and his band of misfits and I broke into the Council’s mansion, got the last orb of Thesula, and restored his soul.  Who the hell am I kidding anyway?  End of the world, hrumph, what good is that?  I’d have nothin to do, no one to annoy, there’d be no animals to feed from. . .I thought about it and it wasn’t all I thought it was cracked up to be.

So now I find myself here after the ‘good deed’.  Should’ve kept my mouth shut.  Got myself into it neck deep I have, and there’s no way out of it now.  Damn immortal Slayer – bossin me around like she’s the bloody end all be all of it.  Sheesh!  Can’t a guy get a moment’s peace?  No, not me.  “Spike do this, Spike do that. . .Spike, don’t eat the cat again”. . .how the hell was I supposed to know it was the little witches’ familiar?  Far be it for them to tell ol’ Spike something important like that.

So where was I?  Yeah, so we’ve been here a year.  Sunnyhell doesn’t seem to change too much. . .I guess if you’ve seen one Hellmouth, you’ve seen them all.  The old poof and I kicked around England for about six months then he went back to LA. . .obligations and all that.  If ya ask me, I’d say he was missin that little skirt he was chasin.  Cordelia – Queen Bitch of Sunnydale and the vampire she tamed.  Yeah, she tamed him alright. . .I’m surprised she hasn’t had him de-fanged by now.

The little tree and the Slayer – they get on my nerves.  All kissy feely all the time.  What the hell can I do about it.  I thought she was bad with Angel. . . with Red she’d a hundred times worse.  She’s immortal too for Pete’s sake, you’d think she’d lay off a little.  Red can handle herself, that’s for sure.  I learned not to mess with her after she turned me into a goat for a week – I still get this hankering for grass now and then, but I’d never admit it to her.  I’d be the last one to admit it out loud, but they make a terrific team. . .almost unstoppable if you ask me.  They compliment each other. . .the Slayer’s always goin off half cocked, ready to rock and Red brings her down to earth, makes her think about the consequences of her actions.    The Slayer would’ve died fifty times over if it hadn’t been for her. . .I don’t know if I should thank her or hate her for it.

The old bloke wanted me to do this – write down everything I knew and remembered.  Ahh, I don’t see the point.  There’s no sort of council left now, no reason to save everything for posterity.  But, it looks like the old man has a plan.  He wants to start the Council from scratch.  Make it better than it was before.  We’re better off in this world without it if you ask me, but you didn’t.  Nope, no one ever asks old Spike here for advice, never.  Just as well though.  I’d tell them all to sod off.

I am the slayer.

Geez, that sounded dumb, now didn’t it?  Well, I am.  The slayer I mean, not dumb. . .though some people would argue with that.  I don’t know how I didn’t see it coming.  Will and I that is.  This is confusing, I’m sorry.  I’ve got so much stuff running around in my brain right now and it’s all insisting that it comes out at once.

Ok, so, Willow.  Yeah, wow.  I’m still amazed over that one.  I can’t believe she’s with me and she loves me.  It’s such a risk for her, and not just because of the impending doom factor.  It’s the danger stuff too.  I want to keep her safe now that I’ve got her. . .really got her.  But of course she insists on helping.  She says there’s no danger in it for her as long as I keep my immortality, but I still can’t help but worry.  We really don’t know anything about this even two years after it’s happened.  I feel things, creepy things, and I know she feels them too.  I guess my spidey sense has rubbed off on her.  I wish she wasn’t involved and I’m thankful that she is at the same time. She’s not only saved my hide countless times, she’s saved my soul too.  I get angry, really angry and I know I don’t think straight when I’m like that.  Will to the rescue with her level headedness and insight.

One of the things I’m sure if is that I never want to be a vampire again, even if it’s temporary.  You don’t know what it’s like, you never want to.  I had this little voice in my head for the ten minutes I was soulless and it was strong.  There was some really dark, incontrollable thing inside me and I couldn’t control it.  It kept telling me to kill, maim, destroy . . .and the hardest part to live with is that I wanted to.  I wanted to destroy every person in that room because I loved them.  When I got my soul back it was better, not easier, just better.  The lust was still there but I had control over my actions and thoughts.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt that kind of guilt ever before.  I don’t know how Angel does it.  He had an eighty year run of death and torture before his soul was restored.  I have a newfound respect for him.  I think I would have killed myself before I’d be able to live with that kind of guilt.

Angel.  After all this time my heart still skips a beat when he’s around.  I don’t think it will ever stop and I don’t want it to.  He’s a very big part of my life, my love, and I don’t want to lose that.  I don’t want to forget the way I felt when I was with him.  If I do, it would be like it was all for nothing.  But it was for something, a big something.  I learned what it was like to love and I learned how to let go.  I think it’s toughened me up a bit and helped me grow up.

Will.  My Willow.  I could sit here all day and write a one million word essay about my favorite hacker, and it still wouldn’t be good enough.  She’s my strength and my hope and my companion on this long trip.  Believe me, it’s gonna be a long trip.  As long as she’s around, it’ll be worth it.  God, am I an idiot or what?  She’s been there, right in front of me for almost ten years and I never saw it.  I never saw the love she had to offer and I almost missed it.

I still don’t get this immortality thing.  I’m immortal, thanks to Will talking to the Oracles, and because we were connected when I was given the immortality, she’s immortal too.  Well, in a way.  That’s the part I don’t get.

So Giles, he’s gonna be a watcher and think like a watcher till the day he dies.  He wanted us all to write down everything that’s happened, everything we felt.  He has hope in a new and better Council.  I say more power to him.  If anyone can do it, he can.  So the first step is this journal of collective thoughts and how the last Council ended.  So this is it.  It’s the beginning of a journal of the collective thoughts of the four of us. . .and the beginning of a new Council that will be run the way I think it’s always been meant to be run. . . by Giles.

It’s so strange to be back here after all this time.  Everything looks smaller and more, I don’t know, less scary.  I guess it’s because of all the things we’ve gone through both here and in England.  I don’t think I’ll forget England for a very long time.  So much happened there.  It all just seems like some weird freaky dream.

What was supposed a happy reunion with Buffy turned into some freaky prophesy thing that we’d all been involved in for like three years before she got here.  Giles says that he’s still trying to figure out the far reaching ramifications of all that’s happened.  I think it’s watcher talk for more research.  Not that I mind. . .old habits die hard I guess and I’m still his number one research girl.  It’s nice to know that the more things change the more they stay the same.  It’s kind of like a creature comfort to me.

Buffy’s been playing big bad Slayer lately.  She doesn’t let me go on patrol as much as she used to.  It shouldn’t really be her choice.  Right?  I mean of the two of us, who runs my life?  I love her and I know she just wants to protect me from all the goulies out there in the dark.  I’m afraid for her all the time.  As much as she wants to protect me, I want to protect her too.  I think she still sees me as the shy, awkward fifteen year old hacker she met in high school.  Yes, sometimes I see her as the vulnerable heartbroken mess she was when Angel left.  I guess we’re both guilty of it.  God, to have her in my life, to have her in this way. . .it’s more than I could ever have dreamed or conjured up for that matter.  How did I get so lucky?

So Giles is playing Watcher guy again.  A new Council for the new millennium.  I don’t wanna burst his bubble, but the millennium started about eight years ago.  Leave it to him to be way behind.  I love him though.  He’s more of a father to me than my own has ever been.  Not that I don’t love my dad, he and mom have just never been there for me the way I needed them to be.  They’re always off on this conference or that business trip.  Even now, it’s been almost five years since I’ve been back to this little one Starbucks town, they’re away and didn’t leave word when they’d be back.  I’ve learned to live with it though.  Giles and Buffy are all the family I’ve ever really needed.  Come to think of it. . .I wonder how Angel and Cordelia are doing?  I haven’t heard from them since Angel went back to LA.  I’m gonna have to give them a call.

Sometimes, when faced with the uncertainty of the future, you must return to the shadows of the past.  Even now, just  the thought of returning to this place makes my blood run cold.  One must do what one must do, I suppose.  I swore to them, I gave them my honor that their fight would be the good one – the just one – now I’m afraid I must go back on my word.  It’s not the good fight anymore.  Bad, good, evil, just – the lines have been blurred and sides have been taken . . .where any of us will land is just as predictable as nature – it’s not.

I get ahead of myself here in this tale.  Now where was I? . . .ah, yes, the beginning.  In the beginning, a girl arrived in a small town called Sunnydale.  She was the one girl in all the world who would stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness.  She was the slayer.  She averted the apocalypse on two occasions, killed countless vampires, demons and children of the underworld, held steadfast the balance between good and evil and still managed to graduate from college in one piece.  The former was accomplished by preternatural powers and a destiny she was born to.  The latter was by all accounts a miracle, of which a resident witch had a hand in.

Buffy and Willow have proved to be an outstanding team through all of this.  They are each others compliment, a true Ying and Yang.  What one lacks, the other makes up for.  They’ve learned to read each other in times of battle and it’s proven to be a life saver.  In all the years I’ve known Buffy, I’ve known one thing about her that’s always held true.  She had difficulty in trusting people.  Who can blame her for that.  Even I have betrayed her trust down the line and I’m thankful everyday for her eventual understanding and forgiveness.  As much as they compliment each other and trust each other, I’m afraid still that she cannot fully trust Willow and her abilities.  Perhaps this will come in time, perhaps it will not.  I can only hope for the best and help them along.  Right now their survival depends on it.

Even now as the letters come together and the words try to form coherent sentences, I still can’t believe it’s happening again.  My sources tell me that something big is coming and we need to be prepared for it.  What it is, I’m still not sure.  I’ve kept all of my Council contacts, and after little deliberation, they’ve agreed to form a new and better Council.  DNA testing has been implemented and I can assure you as well as myself that they are all, in fact, human.  I don’t know why I didn’t think to test Richard in the beginning.  It’s just a mistake I’ll have to live with.  One that almost cost us our lives.  I will not make the same mistake again.

A demon walks this earth, even now as we speak.  There isn’t much time.  I must gather them together and find a way to stop it.  This is a demon like no other.  He walks this earth on the line drawn between this world and the next.  He has been referred to in countless ways through the ages:  The Boogie Man of childhood nightmares, the Shadow Man of adult fears and he’s even been called the Grim Reaper.  What ever he is, he’s powerful and must be stopped.

I’ve asked Spike, Buffy and Willow to write down some thoughts on what we all went through in England.  My purpose is simple:  If they are made to deal with the forces of the past that almost tore them apart, then they will be able to defeat the darkness that lies in our future.  Drudging up horrible memories isn’t what I’d call a favored past time, but I’m afraid it’s necessary so we can focus on the problem at hand.

Angel and Cordelia have agreed to help.  I’m thankful for that.  Angel has contacts and sources that I could only attain after I’ve lived 248 years. . .and that seems highly unlikely.  They’ll be here in a week, then we can get started on stopping this thing.  Even Xander has agreed to help, which, in itself amazes me.  He’s kept my apartment fairly clean and is even holding a steady job bartending at the Bronze.  The boy never ceases to amaze me.  Twenty four years old and he still has that childlike gleam in his eye and his hair is forever tousled.  The girls haven’t seen him yet, though I do suppose they’re out looking for him. I must admit, I am looking forward to the looks on their faces when they find out what he’s been up to.  Serves them right for not keeping in touch.  All in good time I say. . .it’ll all happen in good time.