Redemption

Part 6

What did I have to offer her? One fucked up, homicidal Slayer. Can't deal with love, about the only thing I know is lust, and B doesn't need that.

So I pushed her away, probably one time too many. Damn, for her sake I hope it was one time too many.

So what would I do now? Get the fuck outta Dodge, I guess. Move around until I finally found something that would kill me. Wouldn't be easy; like B said, I was a survivor. But it would happen eventually.

I walked to the docks, not really realizing I was doing it until I got there. About a year ago or so I was about to stow away on a freighter, but B stopped me. Said she never gave up on her friends. She should have given up on me, it would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. Even when people try to help me, it all turns to shit. I should have known better than to let B try again.

I sat on a crate which was pushed up against a warehouse wall; I was just waiting for sunset, 'till I could sneak on board and see where the freighter took me.

"Thought I might find you here."

Goddamn, it never ends, does it? Just keeps coming back to hurt you, 'till finally you put a gun barrel in your mouth or something. "Get the fuck outta here. I don't want you here."

"Tough," she said, "because I'm not leaving." She sat down next to me on the crate.

"Don't you get it yet? C'mon, B, you're not stupid."

"What's to get? I know that I love you. I'm pretty sure you love me. You're just pushing me away because you're afraid."

"You think I'm afraid of you? That's a laugh." I did, in fact; laugh, that is.

"No. I think you're afraid of us. You're afraid of letting someone in close enough to love you. Well, it's a little late for that, Faith. I already love you."

God, it didn't make this any easier every time I had to hear that. "Your loss, then."

"I don't think so. I think you're everything I could have ever hoped for, but never got until now."

I laughed harshly. "What, you a masochist or something, B? I can't go five minutes without hurting you."

I saw her shake her head out of the corner of my eye. "You're not hurting me, Faith. You're hurting yourself. You know what I see when I look at you?"

"No, but I bet you're gonna tell me."

"I see a very beautiful, very sexy, very intelligent woman. She's a woman who knows what she wants and goes after it, but she's always afraid of getting it. Because she thinks deep down that she doesn't deserve it.

"See, she's been told for so long that she's worthless that she believes it. Even though her friends like and admire her, she can't accept that. Has to chalk it up to pity, or delusion, or people trying to use her.

"Even though she ran away from her mother years ago, went a whole three thousand miles to get away from her, her mother still runs her life. Every single aspect of it. She still acts exactly as her mother expects her to."

FUCK! I clenched my jaw so hard I'm surprised I didn't shatter teeth. Every single goddamn word she said was true, and I knew it. "How the hell am I supposed to act, huh? I'm fucked up, B. There's no getting around that."

She put an arm around my shoulders, but I shrugged it off. "If you could believe your mother that you were worthless, and you hated her, why can't you believe me when I say you're worthwhile?"

I just shook my head. I felt my shoulders slump, like it took too much energy to keep 'em up right now. I felt her hand on my face, turning it to look at her.

Oh, god. Anything but that.

I looked right in her eyes -- those beautiful, hazel eyes that always broke down every defense I had. She leaned in and kissed me. It was a kiss like I had never felt before, with anyone; it was sweet, and yielding, and loving. No lust, no conquest, just love.

I couldn't get enough.

She broke the kiss slowly, and I had no idea how much time had passed. "You shouldn't do this to yourself," I said roughly.

"Do what? Be with the one person who can make me happy?"

"I'll never make you happy."

"You already have, Faith. More times than I can count. I bet you can do it again." She kept looking at me, never letting me look away. "Let me love you. Let yourself love me. You deserve it, Faith. After all this time, everything that has happened--you deserve it."

I just looked at her. "I do love you, Buffy. I can't stop."

I dropped my jacket in her bedroom, and turned around to see her standing there, so very close to me. She looked up at me with those eyes, and I was paralyzed.

She wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me down into another kiss. This one just as sweet as the last. I wrapped my arms around her waist, letting them rest there. We stayed like that for a long time.

Finally, she pulled back, reaching down to unbutton my jeans. She guided me over to the bed and I sat down, completely stunned. She took off my boots and my jeans, setting them by the side of the bed. I just watched as she slipped off her tennis shoes, and undid her jeans, stepping out of them as they fell to the floor.

Buffy pushed me back and climbed on top of me, giving me another of those kisses. She was so light I barely noticed her weight on top of me. I reached up and pulled her shirt off, giving her a minute to lose her bra. She looked down at me, and all I could think of was that she was so beautiful. Everything, the whole 'Want, Take, Have' thing, the whole 'Get some, get gone' thing, she banished them all. All I could think of was her: her beauty, her love, her happiness.

She was perfect. I still didn't think I deserved her, but I had promised her that I would try. I needed to show her how much she meant to me. Needed it, craved it. Nothing mattered now except for making her happy.

I lay her back down on the bed, covering her body with mine. I kissed her face, her throat, her chest. I finally covered one of her nipples with my mouth, running my tongue over it. I think I heard her gasp, and she arched against me. I let my hand drift down past her stomach, her abdomen, and gently slid my fingers inside, feeling how wet she was.

She moaned, and her head snapped back; I moved up and covered her lips with mine. My fingers never stopped, though, and I slipped two inside her, felt her hands tangle in my hair, pulling me down and kissing me, bruising me.

I thought I was going to die.

It was like the first time I never had, the way it always should have been. Something kept telling me it was no good, it would all get fucked up in the end. But I didn't listen. I couldn't listen, not with this goddess underneath me, whispering how much she loved me, how much she wanted me.

I brought her right to the edge, and over; I held her to me, her ragged breathing warming my neck.

I whispered, "I love you." And I felt her smile.

But I didn't go.

We laid there, and talked for a little while before we fell asleep. And I was there when she woke up, too. I think she was a little relieved to see that. So was I, actually.

See, I love Buffy. But I already said that, didn't I?

She is my goddess. Her love for me was my redemption. And if I didn't deserve it, then at least I could pretend.

END