Redemption

Part 4

I woke up and Buffy was shaking me. I was sweating, and I noticed B looked really scared. I sat up, pulling my knees up under my arms to try to get myself to stop trembling. Dammit, there was no way I was going to let this get to me again.

B put her arms around me, and I stiffened up as soon as she touched me. Goddammit. I took a deep breath to try to relax, and I forced myself to lean on her.

After I calmed down a little bit, I felt Buffy lean her cheek against the top of my head. "Want to talk about it?"

"What's to talk about? Same shit, as always." I didn't move, though. It just felt so good to have her arms around me.

"You were yelling out, asking someone to stop hitting you. I-I guess I was hoping the dream wasn't about...me."

Oh god, she thought... "No!" I said, pulling back from her all of a sudden. "No, no way, B. It wasn't you, it was just..." God, I felt sick to my stomach and for a second all I could do was fight it down. I finally took a deep breath and decided I couldn't keep it from her anymore. At least our time together was fun while it lasted.

"My...my mom was an alcoholic, ever since I could remember. My dad, at least I think he was my dad, couldn't take it anymore, so he left. I guess he couldn't take me anymore either, cuz he left me with my mom. I think I was five or six when that happened.

"My mom never remarried or anything, but I must've had about twenty or thirty 'uncles'. One of 'em, I don't know who it was, started bringing my mom drugs, and food became pretty scarce around our place. She started spending all our money on drugs. My mom and me never had the best relationship, but once she started getting high, she started really getting mean. If I didn't do something, even if she never asked me to, she'd beat me, with a length of broomstick. Said I was a worthless piece of shit, and I'd always be one unless she could straighten me out."

I felt Buffy's hand on my shoulder, but I just shook my head. "The beatings weren't so bad, I mean, I got into a lot of fights at school, and I was used to dishing it out and taking it. Gets to the point where you don't even notice the bruises anymore."

I had to take a deep breath at this point. God, if Buffy didn't think I was a pathetic lowlife before, she would now. "I think I was twelve the first time one of my 'uncles' 'noticed' me. He--" I stopped, clearing my throat. When I started again, my voice was rough. "He screwed me. Kept calling me a whore the whole time, telling me I liked it. My...my mom found us, and he told her to fuck off, told her he had some drugs for her in his jacket. So she did, she just left.

"Probably figured I was already fucked up, may as well finish the job, right?

"He...he kept coming back for as long as he and my mom were together. As long as he brought her drugs, she never said shit to him about it. After he took off, I guess she missed the drugs, cuz she--" I squeezed my eyes shut tight and dug the knuckles of my fists into my eyelids, trying to stop the tears. Didn't work. "She started offering me to her boyfriends if they'd bring her more.

"I tried hiding, tried running away, but funny thing about that, the cops always bring you back. I would have tried to OD, but I didn't want to touch the stuff my mom was into, I guess I was afraid I'd end up like her. Finally I did run away, and the cops never caught me."

I could feel my heart pounding in my ears. After all this time, it still felt like fucking yesterday.

"Faith..." Buffy's voice was quiet. I wanted to look at her, but I couldn't. Not now.

"Maybe you're unclear as to the custom involved here, but this is where you tell me what a pathetic piece of shit loser I am for letting those things happen to me, B."

She was quiet for a long time. Probably wanted to say that, but was wondering how to do it in a 'Buffy' kinda way. "Actually, what I was going to say was that you are the most incredibly brave person I ever met."

What? I slowly opened my eyes to look at her. I could see the tears streaming down her cheeks even in the dim light. When I finally looked in her eyes, there wasn't any disgust there, just sadness and intensity.

She stroked my cheek with the back of her hand. "Listen to me, nothing that happened to you was your fault. You trusted those people to take care of you, and they were monsters. None of it was your fault, because there wasn't anything you could do.

"You're a survivor, Faith. You've gone through things that I could never imagine in my worst nightmares. And you kept yourself together. I couldn't have done that. You're strong and brave in ways that have nothing to do with you being a Slayer, and everything to do with you being Faith.

"I'm proud that you consider me your friend."

I sat there looking at her for a minute, trying to kick-start my brain. Finally, I said, "That's the best euphemism I've ever heard for 'pathetic loser', B. You're really damn good at this, it almost sounded like a compliment."

She just smiled at me and lay back down, bringing me with her. I wrapped an arm around her stomach and she tightened the arm she had around my shoulders. "I will die before I let anyone hurt you like that again, Faith." Her voice was quiet, but I knew she meant every word down to her bones. "I hope you know that."

"I know I can trust you," I said. I listened to the sound of her heartbeat until I finally fell asleep again. And I didn't have any more dreams.

I opened my eyes and took a look around, noticing that my face was buried in a blonde-hair covered shoulder. I shut my eyes again, remembering what happened during the night. Ah, hell. So much for not scaring her off.

Buffy let out a big yawn, and I looked up at her. I almost felt guilty for all the weakness I showed her the night before. Way to go, Faith.

She just smiled. "Good morning." Even when she was awake, she didn't seem to want to let me go. Hmm.

"Mornin'," I said to her. "Listen, about last night...I'm sorry I laid all that rough stuff on you. It wasn't cool."

She tipped my head up so she could look me in the eyes. Damn, I hate that. "You don't ever have to feel sorry about that. I'm glad you felt close enough to me that you could tell me."

"Yeah, well, it's harder to get closer than we are right now," I joked. It was about then that we both realized we were hugging each other, and I was still totally buck.

Buffy blushed to her ears, and fixed her eyes on her ceiling. I chuckled a little bit and slid over to the side of the bed. I picked up the t-shirt and sweats laying there, and put them on. Once I was decent, or as close as I ever get, I laid back down next to Buffy. "Thank you."

She looked at me curiously. "For what?"

"Being here for me. You don't know how many times I've had that same goddamn nightmare, and I usually wake up scared and completely alone."

She raised a hand to brush my hair out of my face. I don't know what she does, but every time she touches me it's electric. "I'm glad I was here. I'm sorry you ever had to go through that alone."

I shrugged. "Hey, my choice, right? I'm just glad I finally made the right one for a change."

She nodded at me. "Me too. Hey, are you hungry? I can fix pancakes. At least, theoretically."

I laughed. "Yeah, this I gotta see."

"This is so much better than when I was a kid," she was saying. "They didn't used to have any decent cartoons on Sundays, it was all church shows and news shows."

"That bites," I agreed.

We sat there watching cartoons for awhile, and I caught her looking at me. "What?" I asked, looking over at her.

She seemed to blush a little, and she looked back at her plate. "Nothing."

Interesting. I just shrugged, and went back to eating. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her looking at me again. "Ok, what is it?" I turned to face her.

She froze. "Um, it's just..." The phone rang. "I'll get it!"

Saved by the bell.

A few minutes later, she came back in to the living room. "That was Giles, he wanted me to drop a book off this afternoon. Um, Faith? Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Back when Angel came back, I tried to hide him from my friends, because I was afraid how they were going to react. It turned out it really hurt them, though, when I did that. I guess what I was wondering..."

"You want to call a little 'Super Friends' meeting, and let everyone know I'm in town?"

She dropped her head, like she felt guilty or something. "Well, like Willow and Giles already know, but... I just want everything to be ok between you and my friends. I think we've gone a long way already, but..."

"Sure, B. I'm up for it. I need to work things out with Xander anyway, right? I'm just wondering if Riley is going to be included in this little party."

She couldn't look me in the eyes when I mentioned him. I was used to that, but not from her. "I'm not sure what to do about Riley."

"I thought you like, loved him or something." I wasn't thrilled about this, and my voice probably gave it away, cuz she gave me a pretty intense look.

"I do...I think, but..." She was chewing her bottom lip something fierce. "I just need to think about what's going on. I can't deal with a confrontation right now."

Well, not what I hoped, but still it was fair enough. "Ok, guess we'd better get these dishes done and head over. You gonna call Giles and tell him to put up the storm windows?"

"The what?"

I couldn't help laughing at the confused look on her face. "Californians," I said with mock disgust.

We were the first ones to get there, which was fine as far as B was concerned. She wanted me to hang out upstairs until she got things pretty smoothed over.

Why the hell was I doing this? I mean, her friends had meant pretty much squat to me before. Actually, I realized that wasn't quite true. I mean, her friends were willing to accept me even before B did.

I thought about all the days and nights I spent in that crappy motel room after patrol. Wishing I had friends to hang with. Even being jealous that they all got to hang out in High School--which was saying a hell of a lot, cuz I hated school. But I just had to keep my fucking distance, didn't I? Pretend like the loneliness was no big, even when it was killing me.

That was why I was doing this. I may be a masochist sometimes, but I'm not stupid.

I heard a knock at the door, and voices from downstairs. I crept down the stairs a bit, still around the corner and out of sight, but I could hear everything perfectly.

"Hey Xander, Anya. C'mon in."

"Hey Buffster. So what's this meeting all about? Big demon news? Ooh, cookies!"

"Yeah, help yourself. I'll fill you all in as soon as Willow shows up."

"Oh, they were right behind us. She had a friend with her, though."

"Probably Tara. They've been inseparable lately." I snickered. You can say that again, B. Probably joined at the hip. B opened the door, and let Willow and Tara in.

"Hey Buffy! Xander, Anya." That would be Red. "Everyone, this is Tara. She knows all about, you know, everything. She helped Buffy get her body back during the Faith thing."

"Hi." Geez, her voice was so quiet I could barely hear her, even with Slayer hearing.

"Hi Tara, nice to meet ya. So what's up, Buff?"

"I wanted all of you together at once, because I have something to tell you. I wanted to thank you for everything you guys did to help during the whole Faith 'incident.'" You could almost hear the little quote marks. "And you guys know that after I got my body back, Faith took off."

"Yeah, good riddance to premium homicidal lunatic material, huh?" I think the whole room went quiet at that point. I could only imagine the stares Xander was getting. "What? Am I right, or what?"

"No, Xander, you're not. As I was saying, Faith took off, but she's back now."

"What?!"

"Xander, please, let Buffy finish." Giles was sounding as subdued as I've ever heard him.

"She and I want to deal with all the bad stuff that happened between all of us, instead of just fighting about it. I've forgiven her for what she's done, and she's done the same for me."

"I've forgiven her too." Wow, didn't expect Red to jump to my defense, that's for sure. "I don't know why, but something was different about her."

"So, instead of slitting your throat, she's going to wait until she can stab you in the back, is that right?"

"Xander--"

"No, B, it's ok," I said, walking downstairs. Figured as entertaining as this all was, it was past due for me to weigh in. "He's right. He has no reason to trust me. Not after what I did to him." I looked over at Xander, and raised my head up. I was more than willing to apologize, but I was going to do it on my terms. "I'm sorry, Xander. I can't explain away what I did, but I am sorry."

He didn't stop staring at me, and I returned his stare. "She-she's telling the truth." I turned around and looked at Tara, surprised that Red's mousy friend said anything. Glad that she did, but still.

Buffy agreed, apparently. "She is. I believe her."

Xander looked around the room, but Red and Giles were both nodding. He finally mumbled, "I...I gotta think about this. I gotta go." He and Anya left pretty fast.

"Well, that could have gone better." Buffy looked like the whole thing tired her out.

"You did the right thing, Buffy." Giles said. "He'll come to forgive Faith in time."

I walked over to Tara. "Listen, thanks for the back-up there. Look, I'm sorry." I was saying that a whole hell of a lot lately, and it was starting to annoy the shit out of me. "For the stuff I said at the Bronze, I mean. I'm sorry."

Red gave us both this puzzled look. "What did she say?"

I swear Tara blushed down to her ankles. "W-w-w-well, she--"

I shrugged it off. "Just some crappy stuff about, you know, you and her. It was a lame thing to do, but I was just pretty surprised, you know? I mean, c'mon Red, I never pegged you for a--" I finally caught the horrified look that Tara was throwing at me. Oh, shit. I turned around to look at B, but she was just hiding her face in her hands. I think she was laughing, but I couldn't prove it.

"Okay," I said, crossing my arms in front of my chest. "Someone is going to have to catch me up on everything that has happened for the past eight months, and I'm not saying one more goddamn word until they do."

B smirked at me. "You want to try for distance now? I think there are some people left who didn't hear you."

"Oh, like there's anyone alive around here to hear." We were walking through a cemetery, running a quick patrol before bedtime. "That was pretty quick thinking on your part, though, B. Telling Red that I was talking about her being Wiccan and all."

"Yeah, well, Willow isn't stupid. She and Tara are definitely going to need to talk. I just hope everything works out for them."

"Oh, no worries. I'm sure they'll be boinking each other in no time."

B laughed. "You're such a romantic."

"The word is realist. Two red-blooded teenagers can't keep their hands off of each other for very long, regardless of what their gender is."

"Oh, is that right?"

I nodded confidently. "Of course."

"And what experience do you have with that, Dr. Faith?"

"I've been around." I shrugged. "Men, women, it's all pretty much the same. Well, similar but different, you know?"

"No, I don't," she said, giving me a weird look. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you've done guys so I don't have to explain that to you, at least. With women, everything is softer. More sensual. Even obvious differences aside, you never forget you're with a woman, even if you're only kissing her. You know?"

B stopped and looked at me. "You keep saying that. No, I don't know. I mean, how different could a kiss be? Some are better than others, but..."

Oh man. I knew I probably shouldn't, but she was handing it to me on a goddamn silver platter. Not my fault. I took a step forward, real close to her now, and said, "Only one way for you to find out."

She stared at me. Well, it was a bonus, at least she wasn't running away. After a minute, she said, "Ok. Purely academic curiosity, mind you."

I nodded. "Completely." She was looking up at me expectantly, her lips parted just a little bit. Perfect. I reached up and ran the tips of my fingers down the sides of her face, and moved in slow, giving her enough time to back off if she wanted to. Only, she never did. My lips touched hers and they were soft, yielding. She didn't respond for a minute, and then I let my hands drift down her sides to her waist. I pulled her closer to me and I felt her moan, even though I didn't hear it. She started kissing me back, and damn if I couldn't form a coherent thought after that.

After several seconds of that, I pulled back. Always leave 'em wanting more. She looked up at me, only she wasn't surprised or horrified or anything. She was calm, like that was the reaction she was expecting all along. "Well, that was something," she said.

I smirked. "Something good or something bad?"

She didn't answer. "Come on, let's get going."