Willow blew her nose into what seemed like her thousandth tissue. Her nose was red from all the blowing she had been doing since the breakup. Which was fine since her nose was the perfect match to her swollen, red-rimmed eyes.

It had been three weeks since she and Oz broke-up. Since the day, she caught him doing the 'horizontal hula' with Veruca.

That bitch.

She'd managed to get that awful picture out of her head, but not fully out of her heart. But as the days went by, the pain seemed to lessen some but not all.

And to top it all off, she received a unusual letter in the mail today. the letter was enclosed in a plain, white envelope with a UC Sunnydale postmark on it, with her address scrawled on the outside in a familiar handwriting.

It was from Oz.

She turned over the envelope in her hands a few times, debating on whether to open it or not. Part of her wanted to throw it away, not wanting to experience any more pain than she already had. However, another part of her was curious as to why he sent her a letter.

Running her nail underneath the flap, she carefully opened the envelope. Pulling out two sheets of paper, she began to read.

"Willow....." she read, her curiosity piqued.

Ten minutes later:

Shaking uncontrollably from shock, Willow was stuffing the letter back in the envelope when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Willow, it's me," said, Giles. "I haven't caught you at a bad time, have I?"

"No." she sniffled.

"Are you all right?" he asked, concerned. "Are you crying?"

Clearing her throat and wiping her nose, she answered, "No. I'm..fine..As much as can be expected." her voice quickly took on a brighter tone, "So, Giles what's up?"

"Uh..oh.. I received some new texts and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind databasing them" he said,tepidly. "If you're up to it?"

"Of course. Should I just come over now?"

"Yes, now would be a good time,"he paused. "Are you positive that nothing is wrong, Willow? We could postpone."She cut him off. "Giles, I'm fine. I'll be over in a few." she hung up.

Giles stared at the phone, his instincts telling him that Willow was far from fine. He knew that she had been depressed since the breakup and it hurt him to see her not being her usual cheery self. She seemed to be recovering slowly each day, but he knew the aftereffects of betrayal would last a long time.

And what a betrayal.

Catching your boyfriend making love to another woman.

God, even he didn't know what could be a worse betrayal than that. And of all people for this to happen to.

He could just imagine the horror on Willow's face when she caught Oz and that she-wolf... whats-her-name-again? Luca..shrookca..whatever.

Anyway, he saw her after the fact and the sight was heartbreaking.

Crying, shaking, Willow came bursting into his apartment while he and Buffy were gathering supplies for patrol, when she started to babble incoherently.

They had immediately steered her to the couch and after she calmed down somewhat, she explained what had happened. At first, Buffy and him were shocked then slowly anger took over. Buffy, of course, wanted to tear him limb from limb, not caring that he was probably werewolf by then.

That night had been frustrating to say the least. And it only got worse.

First, he had to curb Buffy's natural violent tendencies then, he had to make sure that Xander, when he found out, would not do something rash. Of course, his predictions were correct in that, xander after he found out, wanted to pump Oz full of silver bullets. Luckily, surprisingly it was Willow, who managed to stop Buffy and Xander from harming Oz. She in spite of everything seemed to be the rational one.

He would have liked to say he was the rational one, but that would have been a lie.

When he'd first seen her, his natural instinct was to comfort her and soothe her. Then, deal with whoever or whatever had hurt her.

But, when he found out Oz was the culprit, all sane thought flew out the window. His Ripper side, that he continually buried, flared to life and he wanted nothing more than to beat Oz into a bloody pulp. Hell, even a part of him agreed with Xander, even though the humanity side of him said it was a bad idea.

He liked to think that the reason he felt all this anger, all this revenge was because of parental feelings for Willow. How when your child is hurt,as a parent you want nothing more than to take away their pain and hurt badly those who caused it.

He'd like to say that. But couldn't.

"Parental my foot," he muttered as he took the books out of the boxes. "more like jealous lover."

He admitted it . He wanted Willow. Had wanted her back in High School. Still wanted her even after she was dating Oz.

Finding out that Willow and Oz were intimate had been an almost crushing blow to him. Not that he expected her to be a virgin her whole life. In his practical mind, he knew that consummating their relationship shouldn't have been a shock. But in his dream fantasy mind, he'd always...hoped ,in a way, that he would have been the one to.....well it was a minor point now.

Anyway, slight twinges of jealousy had creeped in but he'd managed to bottle them up inside. Jealousy at the thought of Oz touching his Willow. Not really his but he thought of her that way. He wondered if Xander felt the same way.

What bothered him the most was that Oz had what he wanted and then had been foolish enough to screw it up.

"Stupid, bloody idiot," he mumbled.

Shaking his head, he stopped all these thoughts. If he continued, he knew that he would work himself into a frenzy of anger and lust. Besides, she'd be here soon and he wanted to get all the information they needed anyway.

At the same time, at Willow's dorm:

After hanging up with Giles, Willow went to the bathroom to freshen up. She wanted to look presentable enough so that Giles wouldn't suspect she'd been crying. Especially since it had to do with......

Blinking, she cleared those thoughts away as she scurried back to her room. Grabbing her backpack, she went over to her desk, and threw things in.

Disks, pencil case, some folders, her laptop and a stack of papers that were strewn on her desk. In her hurry, she didn't realize that along with her papers, she accidently tossed her letter into her pack.

Checking her purse to see if she had her key, she left and hurried to Giles'.

Giles apartment, 1/2 hr later:

Hearing a light rapping on the door, Giles went to open it. Peeping through the peephole, he saw Willow standing there patiently.Opening the door, she said, "Hi, Giles." as she slipped past him into the apartment.

"Hello,Willow. Come in." he teased, closing the door.

Smiling sheepishly, Willow plopped down on the couch and took out her laptop. Plugging it in, she logged on and turned to Giles expectantly, unaware that when she retrieved her laptop, a couple of papers fell out including a small envelope.

"Well, I have quite a few books for you, " Giles said, as he handed them to her. "This should occupy us for quite awhile."

And so for the next few hours, they were so lost in their research, each one forgetting for awhile about Oz, the betrayal, and their personal feelings.

Hours later:

"Well, I guess I'll see you later, Giles." Willow said as she opened his door.

"Are you sure you don't need a ride,Willow? I don't mind." he offered.

"No. it's okay. The bus should be here any minute. I don't want to be a burden." she replied, not wanting to tell him the real reason she didn't want the ride. Spending time with him these past few hours had been both a pleasure and a torture, especially in light of what happened. And she wasn't sure she would be able to spend another half hour back to the dorm alone with him in his car, without something spilling out that shouldn't.

Coming out of her reverie, she heard him say, "Willow, you could never be a bother." he exclaimed. 'Far from it' he thought.

"No, its fine." she raised up on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek, against her better judgment.

After watching her get on the bus, from the safety of his window, he turned back to reshelve his books. He thought back on the night. Research wise, everything went smoothly. She typed, he dictated. They scanned, read and even managed to finish earlier than he expected.

But, it was Willow's behavior that worried him a bit. One minute she seemed fine, her usual happy self. Helpful and inquisitive, it looked like her attitude was improving. But, the next minute, she acted nervous and fidgety especially when he would sit near. He wondered what he had done to make her act so cagey around him.

Walking to his bookcase, he noticed some papers under the coffee table. Crouching, he picked them up and looked them over. 'Hmmm..I guess Willow dropped these.' he mused, as he stacked them neatly on the table. As he was doing this, his eyes caught on a small white envelope. Picking it up, he turned it over and gasped.

It was a letter addressed to Willow from Oz.

Sitting on the couch, he kept turning it over and over. Part of him knew he should just put it aside, not look at it and keep it until the next time he saw Willow. The other part, the unscrupulous side, was dying of curiosity about the contents of the letter.

Going against his better judgment, he slowly opened the letter and began to read it.

"Willow,

You're probably wondering why I'm sending you this or even writing it, but I needed to do this. For you and for me.

I'm sorry that you had to see what went on between Veruca and I. I never meant to intentionally hurt you. I would never do that.

That night as you know, my werewolf side was at its fullest. I knew she was coming. I could sense it. Strong, powerful, overwhelming, it was nothing like I've ever experienced before. I couldn't stop it. And to be honest, I didn't want to stop it.

You see, Veruca made me realize something that I tried to deny.

I'm not just wolf three nights out of the month. Physically, yes but inside, I'm wolf all the time. The animal spirit can never go away, its always there.

You were right when you said that 'regular'me was attracted to her. I was. She had this aura.....a presence about her. It was almost hypnotic.

I didn't love her. I could have never felt anything for her what I feel for you. I love you, Willow. You're the first person that understood me. My thinking, my ways.....

I know you tried your best to understand my wolf condition, but that was something that you could never truly understand. But Veruca did. And maybe that was one of the reasons I was attracted to her. But that doesn't excuse my behavior.

So, that's why I had to leave.

I need to sort things out. I need to figure out what I truly am and whether or not I want to be that person.

Most of all, the reason I left is because we need time apart. As much as I love you, I can't be with you. We need to rethink alot of things including.....us.

And you need to decide what you really want.

What I mean about that is......

I didn't...I wasn't...going to tell you but I want to get everything off my chest. I need to tell you this in order for us to move forward as either lovers or as friends.

A few weeks ago, one night, while you were sleeping, i heard you moan. I wasn't sure if you were in pain or not. As I was trying to wake you up, you kept moaning and softly groaning inaudibly.

Then you said his name.

I wasn't sure I heard correctly but you repeated it before you finally fell into a deep sleep.

I tried not to think about it. Chalked it up to all the time you spent with him, so that it was only natural to be thinking about him. So I brushed it aside until....Halloween night.

I guess after that haunted house, we were running on adrenaline and fear, so when we were back at my place, we both just tumbled into bed. That night was the most amazing time..ever. You were so passionate, so loving, so primal.....then I found out why.

You said his name. Again.

And in a way, I don't think you ever said mine. Husky and lust-filled,needy and almost yearning. you sounded as if you wished it was him instead of me. And maybe you did.

Otherwise, why would you have called me that.

Why would you have called me Giles, if you didn't wish it was him instead of me."

Giles almost choked. Rereading the line again to make sure he wasn't hallucinating or it was his overactive imagination playing tricks, he read. "Why else would you have called me Giles, if you didn't wish it was him instead of me."

Shocked and curious, Giles continued to read, far past caring about Willow's privacy or Oz's for that matter.

"I should have stopped but hell, I wanted you too much that my common sense hit the fan. Self-respect did too, I guess.

After you looked at me like nothing was wrong and I knew that you didn't realize what you had said. I thought that since you didn't remember then I could forget too. But, I couldn't.

It was on my mind constantly. Why do you think I stopped accompanying you to your magic lessons with Giles? I couldn't watch you stare at him with this wanting look on your face. You probably thought I couldn't see it but I could. Anytime we were all together, I noticed you watching him with this...look that I thought was meant for me only.

And it wasn't your eyes either.It was his eyes too.

I'm not sure if you noticed or you did and didn't tell me but he was giving you the same looks. I'm not sure if anyone else noticed and I don't really care. All that mattered was that I noticed.

I should have said something, but I didn't. I don't know why. Maybe somewhere i hoped it was a passing feeling...but now I don't think it is.

Then, Veruca came along and a part of me liked the attention.Not that you didn't show me attention, you did, it was just....sometimes I would wonder if it was genuine or if it was a guilty conscience talking. I tried to squelch the sensations and feelings I was having for Veruca but then...that night at the Bronze was an eye-opener.

When I saw her on stage, it felt as if she were singing to me and I felt a deep connection with her. deeper than the one I had with you. I finally admitted to myself that on some level I wanted Veruca. Badly. I was just mesmerized by her.....almost as mesmerized as you were with Giles.

I saw the way your eyes lit up when he came to the table. How they practically beaconed when he joined us. Part of me wanted to tell him to go away and the other part couldn't do it. No matter what I still like Giles...still think he's a good guy. I saw how the two of you tried not to stare at each other, but you were both stealing glances, trying your best not to.

It hurt. And maybe subconsciously I wanted to hurt you for hurting me. First with Xander, then with Giles. Even though, Giles was a bigger betrayal for me. That's what I actually meant when we down at the cage that morning.

It was the Giles thing that hurt the most. Xander, hurt I admit but I was past that. I knew that the incident with Xander was circumstance and the thrill of having your crush come true. I never perceived him as a threat. In the long run, I knew that you and him wouldn't have worked out. You two are different, you both want different things and even though you're best friends...romantically....well I never worried.

But with Giles it was different.

The two of you, when you're together,..just click. Even in High School, when we'd be researching, the two of you would finish each others thoughts and would work off each other in a way that made me jealous. Which I hated being. Jealous. But I was.

Both of you have these polarized traits in each other. Quiet and shy, soft-spoken and thoughtful yet passionate and strong, fearless and powerful. You two complement each other so well..it was scary.

I always wondered if someday one of you would realize that you're each other's soul. I don't want to sound cliche or over dramatize, but if destiny had a face it would be the two of you. This is the best way to describe it.

I never really had you. You weren't really mine. Well, not in the important sense. Yes, you were my girlfriend and yes physically you shared yourself with me but soulfully...

You're not my Willow. Not in the way I need you to be.

You never were Xander's Willow either.

You were always Giles' Willow, even though you didn't know it.

After writing this, I'm not sure if it helped things or made them worse. But I know for a fact that no matter what, I had to tell you this.

I love you. Nothing will change that. No matter what happens between us or not between us, I'll still love you. And I know deep down you love me too. I never doubted that. But I need you to love me in a way that I don't think you can or ever could.

Right now, you need to decide what you want. You have to figure out what's best for you. No one else can do that.

I don't know how long I'll be gone or if I'm coming back at all. I need serious time by myself to understand and comprehend everything that has gone on, but most importantly..me

I won't be in touch. It'll be too painful and complicated to say the least. I just wanted to tell you all this, hoping it will give me some closure and you some clarity.

Take care

Oz "

With shaky hands, Giles put the letter down on the coffee table. Leaning back on the couch, he took off his glasses and just sat there. In silence....

At the dorm:

Opening her backpack, Willow rummaged around in it looking for something. "Now, where did I put Oz's letter?" she muttered as she dug deeper into her pack, wondering where she could have misplaced it.
 

The End.

Author's Note: For Oz lovers,I apologize that this fic isn't nice to him. Don't take me wrong, I like W/O together. I just like W/G even better.