SPOILERS: This takes place after Angel loses his soul but before Becoming, which never happened in my 'verse. I will keep and discard Buffy lore as I see fit.

Part 23

Willow and Angel spent the next 36 hours in each others arms, alternately making love and seeking comfort as Angel repeatedly broke down into tears each time he regained a new memory of the various crimes Angelus had committed in the past year. Even with Willow there to comfort him and the unusual circumstance of his having a dual set of memories for the past year, and thus a slight sense of detachment towards Angelus' actions, the pain of guilt was worse this time around than when he had first regained his soul. Now the pain his demon had caused hit closer to home. With the exception of his family, the evil Angelus had first brought upon earth had been limited to strangers, people Angel hadn't grown to love as a human. This time around, the people who suffered were those his soul had been attached to in very personal ways, ways he hadn't allowed himself to be since he was human. He'd hurt the people who had trusted and loved him as if he were still human. And how had he repaid their trust but by releasing his demon on them to rob them of their innocence and, in the case of Buffy and Ms. Calender, stealing their life. The burden of despair that blanketed Angel's soul was so great he was afraid it would obliterate ever sense within him. If it wasn't for Willow's ever present love and comfort, he was sure he would have walked out to great the sun the moment his soul was restored.

On the second day of Angel's return, Willow awoke from her first full nights sleep to find the tormented vampire still asleep, his handsome features visibly showing the strain of his dream ridden state. Willow was grateful for the time alone. She hadn't been able to allow herself to actual think about anything that had happened- she'd gone from her two week state of kamikaze grief brought on by Angel/Adrian's death to the past 36 hours hours of uncontrollable happiness over Angel's return mixed with empathetic pain and suffering over everything he was being forced to go through. Now, as she watched him sleeping, Willow was finally able to consider things. Moving away from him in an attempt to clear her thoughts without the distraction of his body against hers, Willow rose and began to get dressed.

She'd known even as she'd held him to her, feeling him inside of her as they'd made love for the first time, that things between them were not going to end happily. There would be no fairy tale romantic ending in their immediate future. Angel was too hurt, too guilt ridden to fully devote himself to loving her. He had amends that he had to make, with himself and with others, before he could put the past behind him and move on with his life. Whether he wanted that life to include her, well, she couldn't be entirely sure. She didn't doubt that he loved her, but would he feel the same when he was able to examine everything that had happened? When he was able to put the past aside and know that he could move on without fear of Angelus ever returning, now that Whistler had permanently restored his soul? Perhaps, Willow wasn't sure, but she did know one thing- she wasn't ready.

She loved him. All she had to do was take one look at that angelic face and remember all the times he had comforted her, been there for her when nobody else had, and she knew. It was a love she didn't question, just accepted. She would always love him, that would never be an issue, but she wasn't ready for everything that loving him meant. To love him meant to ignore everything that had been through- to ignore the fact that he had deceived her, no matter how well intentioned he had been, and had made her fall in love with a man that hadn't existed. Adrian didn't exist, she knew that, but it had been Adrian she had thought she was in love with for all those months. Now that she knew Adrian was really Angel, well, she couldn't turn off her emotions. She still loved him, because deep down it was the same man, the same soul that she'd always loved. That they were meant to meet and fall in love, as Whistler had said, Willow did not doubt, because she felt it with all of her soul. It was just difficult to get her mind to blindly follow what her heart already knew and accepted. Willow needed time to allow her young and inexperienced mind and heart become one in their desires.

Then there was the Angelus factor. He was gone but the scars he had caused would remain for long after his demise. Willow hated to admit it but she couldn't help but remember the demon whenever she looked at Angel. He was still a living, breathing entity standing between them, and until she could put the dead to rest, so to speak, she knew she couldn't be around Angel. It was going to hurt to be apart from him but it hurt just as much to be around him. They both needed time to heal before anything could come of their love. Willow needed time to grow up and build her life again. The danger that had dominated her existence, keeping her captive and her life on standby, was finally gone and she didn't know how exactly to start piecing her life back together again. And having Angel around would only make it harder. She needed independence, and if he was around he would always be a crutch she would unconsciously fall back against whenever things got to hard, and that wasn't what she wanted their relationship to be. She wanted them to be together out of love, not mutual dependence. His love might end up crushing her, and she didn't want that to happen.

Seating herself on the edge of the bed besides his sleeping form, she brushed a hand against his cheek, marveling at his beauty. God, it hurt to let him go, but she was somehow going to. She needed to find the strength to release him. Only then could they both begin to walk down the roads they needed travel, his towards redemption, and hers towards healing. They couldn't do it together. Not if they wanted their love to last, not wither and decay beneath the weight of the past.

She felt him stirring underneath her touch. As her warmth drew him out of the land of dreams, Angel smiled. He looked so content, Willow hated to wake him, but knew that if she didn't do it now, before her will left her, she might never have the strength to leave him, and then they would both be doomed.

He opened his eyes slowly, his face relaxing into peace as he saw her hovering over him, all vestiges of the nightmares that had plagued him only moments ago chased away at the sight of her beauty. Tears sprang to Willow's eyes, unstoppable in the face of the pain she was going to cause him, and the smile faltered on his lips. He took in her fully dressed figure, understanding darkening his features as he realized just what she had planned. He'd known, deep down, that their happiness couldn't last, and so he wasn't really surprised when he read everything she wanted to say to him in her eyes. She didn't even have to speak, he just knew.

"You're leaving, aren't you." It was a statement, not a question.

Willow nodded, her throat too constricted with her tears to properly answer him.

Angel didn't really need to ask the next question but felt he had to. "Why?"

Willow ducked her head finding it too painful to watch the shattered pain coloring his eyes. "You know why."

Angel found himself getting angry. Not at her, but at what she was about to do to them. It was unfair but he couldn't stop himself. "No, I don't know, why don't you tell me."

Willow began to sob harder. "Please don't make this harder than it has to be, Angel. I love you, you know that I do. Despite everything, despite the lies and the confusion that brought us together, I love you. You're the other piece of me, that part that completes me, but I just can't be with you. How can I be with you when I'm so incomplete myself? How can we complete each other if we're incomplete ourselves?"

Angel sat up, pushing Willow away so he could rise from the bed. He couldn't stand her touch as the words that would steal her from him left her mouth. "You're making no sense. If I complete you then of course you'd be incomplete without me? So why would you want to push me away?"

Willow sat helpless amidst the sheets of the bed, tears falling like raindrops, looking for all the world like the little girl she still was. "I'm saying it badly. What I mean is, I'm still young Angel. My childhood was stolen away from me." She saw his back tense at the implications of her words but she continued on anyway, needing to get this out. "I don't know who I am yet, and I need to find out. I need time to heal and discover myself before I can lose myself in you- in our love. And you need that too. You need to accept everything that's happened, everything Angelus did, before you can out the past behind you. If not then it will always be between us, and it will destroy our love. I want us to be complete and unwounded before we're together. I want nothing to stand in the way of our being together- not Angelus, not 'Adrian', not Buffy, not our own insecurities- not ourselves."

Angel stalked over to the dresser, searching for clothes to cover himself. He no longer felt comfortable underneath her penetrating gaze. "'Adrian?'" he asked, latching on to one portion of her explanation. "I see, it's because you can't forgive me for having lied to you." His tone was no longer petulant and angry, but now there was an undertone of self-loathing, as if he'd know this was coming.

Willow jumped up, running over to wrap her arms around him from behind. "No, I mean, yes. I mean… it's not that I can't forgive you. Forgiveness will never be an issue with us, nor will my love for you. I just need time to accept everything, time to move past what's happened. Please tell me you understand? Goodbye isn't goodbye forever. Only for a short while?"

Angel fought the strength of her embrace, trying to keep himself rigid and tense as a demonstration of his anger. Before long his walls crumbled, and he relaxed in her arms. He wasn't strong enough to hold out against the outpouring of love radiating from her. Silent tears fell from his eyes as he asked, "How long? How long must we be apart?"

Willow closed her eyes, wishing she could give him an answer he'd be content with but knowing it was impossible. "I don't know- as long as it takes. We'll both know when the time is right, and then we'll find each other again."

Angel moved to face her, his arms closing on her as he returned her embrace. As she buried her face against his bare chest he could feel the tears warming his cold skin. His own throat constricted against the strong emotions he was feeling. "What if it becomes too late? What if we lost each other to time and circumstance? You could find someone else, you could move on, not need me anymore… or I…" Angel didn't finish the sentence because he knew it would sound hollow, even to his own ears. He feared she might move on without him but he knew that he could never do so without her. There would never be anybody in his life like Willow. As long as she was alive, he was only hers.

Willow answered as truthfully as she could. "Then it was never meant to be, Angel. I can't promise what the future will bring because I don't know. All I know is that I love you, I will always love you, and Goddess willing we will find each other again. Deep down in my heart I know that we will."

They held on to each other, neither wanting to let go, each knowing this would be the last time they embraced for a long time, God only knew how long. The kiss was bittersweet, loaded down with everything they were feeling, all the love and regret, all the promises for a brighter future, when they would one day be together.

Willow pulled apart first. She stared at him, trying to commit every detail of his face to memory before they parted. She knew she would never forget the love that shone from his eyes as if the sun was lighting them up from behind his lids. "I love you, Angel. Please, no matter what happens, don't ever forget that."

Angel nodded imperceptibly, too wrapped up in mimicking her own actions. He drank her beauty as if it were blood itself. She was everything good and beautiful to him and he wanted to make sure he remembered every last detail for those long, lonely nights ahead. "I love you too, Willow, aroon. Always."

With one final kiss, Willow left. Angel watched the girl he loved as he'd never thought himself capable, the girl he'd never imagined himself falling in love with, leave with her heart in his hands. Somehow he was going to have to move on, but at this moment, watching her walk away, out the door and into the distance, he wasn't sure how.