Part 8
 

Angel’s apartment
 
 

Angel uttered a feral growl and kicked the wall of his living room wall, hoping it would do something to help calm him down. Staring at the hole his foot had left in the wall, he knew it hadn’t worked. Angel couldn’t remember the last time he had been this angry, this hurt, or this disgusted with himself. Angel glared at the furnishings in his apartment, trying hard to control his urge to trash the apartment.

Collapsing on the couch, Angel lay on his back and put a hand over his eyes, suddenly drained of energy. In his mind’s eye he could see Willow tears in her eyes, turning her back on him. He felt his heart tighten as he remembered the pain that had reflected in her emerald eyes. Angel hadn’t meant to hurt her. More than anything he never wanted Willow to be anything but happy. <If only she hadn’t seen me tonight, no one of this would have ever happened. She would never have had to know I was in New York. >

For the past 6 months Angel had been so careful to not let Willow see him watching her. She had never known he was around, and it had been better that way. He had been able to watch her without her knowing or getting hurt. He would lurk in the shadows, something he had gotten very good at over the years, and watch the love pouring from her heart as she walked down the street with her fiancée. He would watch her holding Robert, watch her kiss him, and imagine that it was him she was looking at with such blind adoration and love.

It hurt to see her with another guy, more than Angel cared to admit. Of course, the fact that she had found someone else was his fault. He knew he could have had Willow. The night of Buffy’s funeral, they had gotten so close, and he had thrown it all away out of fear and guilt. He had killed his growing love for Willow out of some sense of duty to Buffy. It had been foolish but at the time he had felt it was the right thing to do. Now he knew how foolish he had been. Buffy would have never wanted him to end up the way he was now: alone and in despair for the one woman he loved more than life belonged to another.

Angel just hoped Robert knew how lucky he was. And that Angel’s actions of earlier that evening hadn’t destroyed Willow’s chance at happiness. Even if Angel couldn’t have Willow, well, then all he wanted was for her to be happy. Angel tried to remember a saying he’d heard once. Something about having to love someone enough to let them go. If they came back to you then you knew they really loved you, and if they didn’t, well then they were never really yours to begin with. Angel had cynically disregarded the idea when he had first heard it, but now it seemed to make sense. He knew he loved Willow enough to let her go.

A knock on the door disturbed Angel’s contemplations. Angel knew who it was before he answered the door. He didn’t know anyone in the New York besides her- not to mention the fact that he had told her his address. Somehow Angel knew she would come. Deep down he had wanted it. After all, he had told her his address.

Willow stood in the hallway looking reluctant to be there. She had her arms crossed over her chest, preparing herself to be on the defensive in case Angel was angry to see her there. Unable to speak, he pushed the door open further, an unspoken invitation for her to come inside.

Willow stepped gingerly over the threshold, looking around curiously. The apartment reminded her of her old one in Chelsea, which wasn’t too surprising since a; the apartments downtown were similar in design. The furnishings were almost identical to the ones from his apartment in Sunnydale.

Angel silently walked behind Willow, allowing her to look over his things. He was glad she had come, but he couldn’t think of what to say to her. He decided to let her speak first. She deserved answers and Angel planned to give them to her. He couldn’t lie to her.

When Willow reached the living room she turned and was startled to find Angel directly behind her. He gestured to the couch and she sat down, her arms still crossed over her chest. Angel tried to read her expression. She looked uncomfortable and scared, as if she was afraid any words out of his mouth would hurt her more. <God, look what I’ve done to her. I am truly despicable. I don’t deserve her. >

Angel sat on the opposite corner of the couch and waited for her to speak. Though he was facing her, she was sitting forward, rigidly refusing to acknowledge him. She stared at the window as she spoke. "Why?"

Angel didn’t even pretend to not understand what she was asking. "I don’t know for sure."

Willow spun around and glared at him. Her expression flashed from hurt to angry in the span of a five seconds. "What kind of an answer is that." She spat the words out at him, causing Angel to recoil. <Okay, I deserve this. >

"Willow, I’m not asking you to forgive me. I know I don’t deserve it. I just want you to try and understand. When I woke up that night, it was as if Buffy was standing there between us. I couldn’t reach you cause doing so would mean pushing her aside. I was afraid and feeling guilty. I didn’t want to be unfaithful to her memory. I loved her, I still love her."

Willow’s face crumpled slightly at his confession. He held his breath, afraid to continue. He knew this was the time to tell her that he had fallen in love with her, that that was the reason for his guilt, but he couldn’t do it. Instead, he changed the subject. "I shouldn’t have left without telling you. I was wrong. And after that I should contacted you. I wanted to, but as time went on it seemed like it was too late."

"It would never have been too late. Angel, I didn’t even know if you were still alive. How do you think that felt."

"I know, and you have every right to hate me. I wouldn’t blame you for that."

Some of the anger began to fade from Willow’s expression. "Hate you? Angel, I never hated you. Why would you think I would hate you? I was worried about you, and I was hurt that you left me without any clue as to how you were. I may have been angry but I could never hate you."

Angel smiled tentatively at Willow, relief coursing through him. "No, I guess I should have known you wouldn’t hate me. And I did try to contact you. I came to New York to find you." Unable to get a clear feeling of Willow’s reaction to that, Angel hesitated before continuing. "I wanted to see you and apologize. I wanted our… friendship back. Only I saw how happy you were. You were with someone else and I didn’t want to come in and disrupt your new life. I thought it would be best if I left you alone to live your life."

Willow’s heart sank as she listened to the answers she had wanted. Unfortunately, they weren’t the answers she had been hoping for. Angel had come to find her, only it had been out of friendship. He wasn’t in love with her. Instead, he still loved Buffy. <Of course, that’s for the best. He should be in love with Buffy; after all, I’m in love with Robert. He’s the one who’s going to be my husband. I don’t need Angel to be in love with me. That would only complicate things. > Still, Willow was unsatisfied. She decided to push the issue further. "Why didn’t you leave New York then?"

Angel tried to keep his expression from betraying his true emotions. Willow didn’t need to know the real reasons. They would only complicate her life, which is exactly what he didn’t want to do. <I’ll tell her the truth up until a point. It’s best that way. > "I wanted to protect you, to be there for you if you ever needed me. You’re my friend, I don’t want anything bad to happen to you."

Willow nodded. It was she had suspected. Gathering her courage, she reached over to place a hand over his. No matter what, she was going to have Angel in her life, even if it was only as a friend. "Angel, we’re friends, we’ll always be friends. You could have come to me no matter how my life was going; we will always be friends. I want you in my life."

Angel clasped her hand, squeezing it gently. "I want you in my life as well, Willow."

Willow smiled, content that things were all right with her Angel. She felt as if a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. True, her feelings for Angel hadn’t been resolved, and never could be since it was obvious he wasn’t in love with her, but at least they’re friendship could be saved. As long as Willow could have Angel in her life, in any role, things would be okay. She hoped eventually her feelings would fade, but even if they didn’t, Angel never had to know about them.

Angel was relieved things were okay between him and Willow. Though he was disappointed there couldn’t be more than friendship between them, he would let things be. He would take Willow any way he could get her.

Angel stared at Willow, overwhelmed by her beauty. Every time Angel looked at her it was as if he was seeing her for the first time. He always found something new and totally beautiful to marvel at. Right now he stared at the delicate curve of her neck and the way her pale skin glowed faintly from the dim lighting of his apartment. He could see the girl she had been in her face. Though she was older now, maturer, her face still had the same innocently sweet countenance. <God, I love her so much. I wish I could tell her. Even if she doesn’t feel the same way, at least I wouldn’t be keeping it to myself anymore. >

Willow rose to leave. Angel vaguely heard her saying something about having to get home to Robert. She moved forward to embrace him, her delicate arms wrapping around his waist. He could feel her heart beating against his chest. He buried his head in her hair, relishing the sweet floral scent of her shampoo that clung to the strands. <It feels so right to have her in my arms. Does she feel it too? >

They stayed that way, holding on to each other, both reluctant to let go, for awhile. In the end, it was Willow who pulled away. Angel tried to catch her eyes, to see what she was feeling, but she wouldn’t look at him. <Maybe I’m reading things in to this. I want her to love me so badly I’m projecting. I should just leave it alone. Let it stay at friendship. >

Angel watched Willow walk towards the doorway. He knew that if he let her walk out the door without telling her then he never would. They would be friends and nothing more. Something inside him seemed to awaken. There was awareness where there hadn’t been a moment ago. This moment was the one he had been waiting for, though he hadn’t realized he’d been waiting for anything. It was if he could see into the future. He was looking down the corridor of time, down two paths of fate that were all tied to this one moment in time. If he let her go now then he would lose her forever. He could see himself, as he would be in the future, holding on to Willow’s dead body. It was like a memory of something that hadn’t happened yet, but he knew it would. And all he had to do to stop it was tell her that he loved her.

"Willow!" She stopped halfway out the door. Was that hope he saw in her face? He thought so. Without a word he rushed over to her, sweeping her in to his arms. He rained kisses on to her face, brushing his lips over her eyelids, cheeks, forehead, and finally her lips. Surprised, Willow held back at first, afraid that she was imagining this moment. But as he lips connected with hers, she melted into his embrace, kissing him with an intensity that matched his own.

"I love you Willow, I love you, I love you." He whispered the words over and over against her lips. And sometime while he was whispering them to her, she began to whisper them back. Angel pulled Willow into his arms and carried her back in to the apartment, never once stopping his assault on her mouth.

Angel wasn’t sure what the next day would bring, but deep down he knew that his future was entangled with hers now. Whatever happened they’d be together, the way they were meant to be.