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New CEO
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who wasstepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he wasreally catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO.
Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. TheCEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

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The Chauffer

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the
chauffeur handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"

"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"

After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:

"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane...

THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA! "
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 British Airways -

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."

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Air France -

There once was a flight heading from London to New York. Halfway during the flight, the captain suddenly comes over the intercom system...

"This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking. I have a bit of bad news for you. We have lost our first left engine, but never fear, we can still make it using only three engines. But because of the loss of power, we will be two hours late."

Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to life...

"This is again your Captain. We have lost an engine on our starboard wing. But rest assured that our plane can fly using only two engines. Due to the reduced power, we will now be four hours late."

The flight goes on, when the passengers hear the now familiar sound of the address system...

"Guess what, folks! We lost another engine, but nothing to fear. We can still make it using only one engine. But now we will be six hours late. "

On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting next to her, and said: "I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine. I'll be late for my connecting flight from New York!"

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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit
more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully
upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water
landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.

Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing.
We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna
go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat
belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the
passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward
announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that
monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the
aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

"Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will
drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like children.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses.

"And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight. "
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During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a
mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed
away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new
gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find
that a third gate had been designated for us.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight
attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this
last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not
Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags.
"Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."

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