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A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the
speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70,80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leansdown and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that *you* were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"

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A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the  Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the
Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
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This guy is sitting in a bar getting really drunk. The bar is on the top floor of a hotel. After a while, he goes to the window, opens it, and throws himself out. Shocked, two other patrons run to the window and watch in horror as the drunk plummets toward the pavement below.
Then, miraculously, the man is swept up an instant before hitting the sidewalk, and seems to fly right back up and in through the open window. Amazed, the patrons ask if he can do that again. He complies, gladly.
When he returns the second time, they ask how he did that. "Simple," he said, slurring his words badly. "There's an air vent down there, and just before you hit the pavement, the gush of air lifts youright back up. You guys should try it." Skeptical, but daring, the two race toward the open window, plummet to earth, and are squashed instantly like bugs on the street.
The drunk returns to the bar and, giggling, orders another scotch. As the bartender serves the drinks, he says to the man, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"
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This one guy was at a theater and he was sprawled out over 3 seats. The usher came by and told the guy to move. The guy mumbled but didn't answer. He went and got the manager. The manager said to the man, "Sir, if you don't move, I'll call the police to have you removed." The guy mumbled, but didn't answer.
So the manager called the police and a cop came over. The cop said to the man, "Hey mister. What's your name?"
The man said,"Pete."
The cop asked,"Where ya from, Pete?"
He said, "The balcony."
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.  After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how  people resond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
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Two actors that haven't seen each other in several weeks run in to each other on the street.
1st Actor: Haven't seen you in a while, how's everything going?
2nd Actor: Pretty good. Two weeks ago I got a call from a lawyer in Florida. It seems I had an aunt that I never knew about that died and left me $2,000,000.
#1: That's great!
#2: Yeah. And then last week I hit the lottery and won $7,000,000.
#1: That's wonderful!
#2: Yeah, but this week, nothing!
 *********************************************************************************************************A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most
religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. Suddenly a
fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran by memory."
"One day while fishing," started the Christian, " I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, " I was in my most expensive
designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that it was full of cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all around me, it was Tuesday... "
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There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night
before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
"What did she say?" asked the friend.
The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
 *********************************************************************************************************A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
 "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.
 "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
 

Kids

Where do Eskimos keep their money? In Snowbanks!
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There was this guy & he had just bought a brand new Farrari F-50 and he was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a mopehead stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the guy if he could ake a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was getting out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said. "oh, around 175-200. Want to see?" Of couse the boy nodded and waited for the light to turn green. The man took off at a very high rate of speed. As he was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and then flew right past him. 'no! it couldnt be the boy on the mopehead could it?" He asked to himself. Then the light came flying back and went way behind him. The guy then ralized that it indeed WAS the boy on the mopehead. Then the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to catch up with the boy to find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and said.."Would you mind taking my suspenders off your rear view mirror?"
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"Questions"

 A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son."
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son."
Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
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Bed Time

Pajama-clad tot calling out to family: "I'm going upstairs to say my prayers now. Anyone want anything ?"
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HOME ALONE...!
A woman working for a Market Research Organization, calls the next phone number on her list.
A little boy answered and whispered, "Hello".
The woman asked if his mother was there?  The little boy whispered, "Yes".
The woman asked if she could speak with her? The little boy whispered, "No, she's busy."
The woman asked if his father was there?  The little boy whispered, "Yes".
The woman asked if she could speak with him? The little boy whispered, "No, he's busy too."
The woman asked if anyone else was there? The little boy whispered, "Yes, the fire department is here".
The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?"  The little boy whispered, "No, they're all busy."
The woman asked if anyone else was there?  The little boy whispered, "Yes, the police department."
The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?"  The little boy whispered, "No, they're all busy too."
The woman said, "May I ask what they're all doing"?
The little boy whispered, "They're all looking for me.
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A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great:
As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.. Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.

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