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PART TWO - KYOTO
SCENE 1
Professor Wuss, a mild-mannered instructor in the Department of Community Health Services, is seated at his desk in his office when the door bursts open and Activist Boy rushes in.
Activist Boy: Professor, Professor! The planet is heating up because of greenhouse gases! All life on Earth will become extinct in six months if we don't do something, fast!
Professor Wuss: Um...well...you're quite right, Activist Boy. Global Warming is a serious threat to the ecological balance of the planet. There are many factors to consider, however, such as economic slowdown and massive job losses. In any case, the power to determine public policies lies with the duly elected representatives of the people, in a democratic system. Perhaps we could start an educational campaign about increasing energy efficiency at home and on the job?
Activist Boy: Oh Professor! You're such a...such a...wuss! Super Duper Doc would do something about this, if he were here! [runs out, crying]
Professor Wuss: [thinks; "Little does he know that this is just my secret identity, and that I am in fact - Super Duper Doc, Medical Officer of Health! Now, to action!"] [changes into Super Duper Doc costume and flies out the window]
SCENE 2
A meeting of Oil and Gas Industry executives.
Vice President: There's no doubt about it, now. Human activity really is the cause of Global Warming
CEO: WHO GIVES A SHIT? Drill more! Pump more! Sell more! Burn more! [drools] Burn, baby, burn! Muahahaha!
All the executives: Muahahaha!
Meanwhile, at the Provincial Legislature. Super Duper Doc, Medical Officer of Health is telling the members of the legislature what the government's policies on greenhouse gas emission reduction will be;
Super Duper Doc: Do this! Don't do that! Pass this! Don't pass that!
King Rolf: [boldly approaches Super Duper Doc] Excuse me, but I happen to be the King here. I'm the one with the power to decide what this government's policies will be, thank you very much!
Ha-rumph!
Super Duper Doc: [laughs hysterically] You? Why, you're only a King! I'm a Medical Officer of Health. I can say and do whatever I want, and no one can stop me! I have all the power of a God!
King Rolf: Oh yeah? And where did you get all that power from, eh?
Super Duper Doc: You gave it to me. It's in the Public Health Protection Act you passed a few years ago.
King Rolf: I did? [checks] Oh yeah, I guess I did! Must have been during one of my blackouts. Shit!
Super Duper Doc: And not only that, but if you don't all do whatever I say, every doctor in the province will quit and move to California. Then you'd all be screwed for good.
King Rolf: [cringing] No, no! Don't do that! Here...sit on my throne, oh mighty one! [hands Super Duper Doc his crown]
Super Duper Doc: That's better! You may wash my feet, if you like...Now listen to me, you lowly elected representatives! You're all too stupid to understand anything about science, medicine or health, so I'm going to tell you once more exactly what to do...
SCENE 3
The same meeting of Oil and Gas Industry executives.
Vice President: Ok, number six on your agenda sheets...a family living downwind of one of our sour gas wells gave birth to a child with three heads...
CEO: Offer them $50 million to move to Peru and keep their mouths shut. If they won't accept it, arrange to have them "eaten by coyotes".
Vice President: Ok, number seven on your agenda sheets...there are still a few acres of trees left standing...mostly in the provincial parks...
CEO: DAMMIT! Every year, we set dozens of forest fires - big ones! - and every year there's still more trees to get rid of. Did you look into hiring someone to spray that defoliant over the entire province? That Agent Orange stuff? How much would that cost?
Secretary: Excuse me, but this just came in through the fax machine...it seems that the provincial legislature declared Super Duper Doc, Medical Officer of Health to be "king for a day", and then passed a bill declaring our entire industry to be guilty of Crimes Against Humanity and The Planet. We're to be stripped of our assets and banished to Nunavut. Coffee, anyone?
Vice President: [looking out a window] HOLY CRAP! Every SWAT team in the province is converging on this building!
CEO: Gentlemen - down the secret hatch and out the secret tunnels. Quickly! No shoving!
Later, the Oil and Gas executives emerge from a hole in a farmer's field miles from their office building.
CEO: Well...no sign of the cops...looks like we escaped to plot another day! Muahaha!
All the executives: Muahaha!
Health and Fitness Sheep: Baa-aa-aa!
Vice President: What on earth was that?
The executives suddenly find themselves surrounded by hundreds of rabid Health and Fitness Sheep, who are all foaming at the mouth. Activist Boy is riding a particularly large one, in the middle of the flock.
Activist Boy: KILL! DESTROY! SAVAGELY BITE ANKLES!
Health and Fitness Sheep: Baa-aa-aa! We hear and obey!
All the executives: YIKES! We surrender! We surrender! Stop!
FINALE
Super Duper Doc, Medical Officer of Health returns from planting five million tree seedlings, across the province, in just under 90 minutes - and lands next to Activist Boy on a hillside.
Activist Boy: You're my hero, you manly man!
Super Duper Doc: You're so cute! And now, I'll repair the hole in the Ozone layer with a magical 'Name Of Power'. Daaaaaviiiiiid Suuuuzuuuukiiii!!!
The hole in the Ozone Layer instantly returns to it's pre-industrial era level.
Activist Boy: I don't understand. Why didn't you just do that, the first time it was discovered that the hole was expanding?
Super Duper Doc: You may be cute, Activist Boy, but you have no sense of the dramatic.
Activist Boy: Sorry. I have another dumb question, though. It's September now...what will people do when winter comes, now that you had the legislature declare a total ban on the burning of any fossil fuels?
Super Duper Doc: Well, personally, I plan to spend the winter in Florida. I can do that, you know...I'm a Medical Officer of Health!
