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All's, we-ll...

© 1987 Sunny Anus

William paced back and forth. His mind wandering through the well tread thoughts. But he thought them completely through as if it were the first time. And again, as always, ran into the same question. 'But how! I mustn't be caught.' He continued his pacing until his wife called to him in her sweet, loving voice.

"William!" Agatha yelled, "come, it's time for bed." "Yes dear," William answered. "How!" his mind screamed frantically. "How! How! How!"

He laid in bed listening to his wife's snoring, as always it irritated him. Sleep did not come to William quickly, never had, and his wife's snorting did not help matters. Tonight he lay in bed thinking about accidents. Every kind of accident imaginable passed through his mind. He would choose the ones he liked the most, and discarded the rest. When sleep finally did come he had several listed in his mind.

Agatha violently shook him awake. "Wake up! William! Wake up!" You're going to be late for work." He opened his eyes, and was looking directly into Agatha's face. He quickly closed his eyes, shutting out the sight, then sat up. Pain shot through his back, and he let out a groan. The bed Agatha insisted on having stayed, as his back gave out. He groaned again, but knew from experience that his back would right itself once he was up and about.

Agatha left the room, giving him a moment of peace. He struggled into his clothes, and was just buttoning his shirt when Agatha rushed back into the room. "Will you hurry up!" You haven't got all day," she snapped, then rushed back out to make coffee. William went into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door. The act made him suddenly feel safe.

As he shaved he glanced at the overrunning ashtray. Though he too smoked in the room, he knew that most of the remains belonged to Agatha, she smoked like an elephant. 'Eats like one too,' he thought ruefully. He idly wondered if he should empty it out, then decided against it. William glanced at the mirror, and gave his reflection a leer, then laughed. He could look quite insane if he wanted to.

"William! Will you hurry up!" Agatha shouted through the door. "Yes dear," William said, looking at the ashtray again, then a smile lit up his face. He applied some aftershave to his face, then emptied the rest into the toilet. He pulled out a variety of cleaning products from under the sink, and emptied them also into the toilet. Looking down the saw that there was no discoloration of the blue water, and after opening the window the smell was unnoticeable. He put the empty bottles back under the sink. Smiling again, he went to the kitchen to have his breakfast.

"Agatha," William called, coming into the house. He was exhausted from the long day, his mind seemed to have stopped the second he left the office. "Agatha, are you here?" No answer "Agatha?" Still no answer. Well he could use the peace and quiet.

He grabbed the evening paper, and headed for the bathroom. He made himself comfortable in the reading room, and from long years of habit, grabbed a cigarette, then struck a match.

The house shook as the boom echoed through the house. The paper in William's hand disintegrated before his body hit the ceiling.

William woke up in the hospital. He did not feel much of anything, just numb. He heard the doctor talking to his wife. "I'm surprised he wasn't hurt worse, just a light burn, and a few bruises. Your husband is a very lucky man." "My husband happens to be a fool, when can he come home?" "As soon as he wakes up if you like."

William shut his eyes quickly, but it was to late, Agatha had already seen that he was awake. So off to home he was bound. Agatha got him into his clothes, and made him sign the release form the nurse insisted must be signed. Then he was pushed out of the building to the car by Agatha.

William's wife lovingly belittled him all the way home, and ranted on about how he ruined her lovely bathroom, and loosened all the plaster in the house. Not to mention the cracked windows and black smelly smoke that still filled the place.

Agatha kept going on at her husband, and wasn't watching where she was going. After several near misses William suggested that perhaps he should drive.

"After the mess you created this afternoon I'm not letting you do anything." Agatha passed the car ahead of her, whipping her car out in front of an oncoming eighteen wheeler, then slipped back into the proper lane. William sat rigid, with eyes tightly closed, and hands planted on the dashboard. "And how dare you call me a careless driver," Agatha snapped, "why I've been driving since I was sixteen years old! And you have the gall to imply that I..." William shut off the sound, and did not move or open his eyes until they came to a complete stop in the driveway.

"Now go to bed," Agatha said, when they entered the house, "you heard what the doctor said, you need your rest." William removed his coat. "This couldn't have happened at a worse time. Really William, you have no consideration for anyone but yourself!"

William went into the bedroom, and laid down, again ignoring Agatha, having had his fill on the way home. The smoke had dissipated, but the smell still lingered. Agatha came back into the room, mouth still moving a mile a minute. He closed his eyes tightly, and pretended that his wife did not exist.

When William opened his eyes again Agatha was gone. He slipped out of bed, and heard his wife banging around in the kitchen. William quietly tip toed into the living room, and flipped on the reading lamp.

He looked frantically around the room, knowing he had to do something, he simply could not take anymore. His mind quickly came up with a plan. He went over to Agatha's chair, and then rearranged the stuff on the shelf above it, putting the heavy brass paperweight right on the edge.

"What are you doing?" Agatha demanded, coming into the room. "Nothing," William said, whirling around, "I was just...." "Don't, I was just me, your suppose to be resting." She pushed him into the chair, causing the brass paperweight to land on top of William's head.

William blacked out for a couple of minutes. When he came to he heard Agatha ranting and raving.

"If you had stayed in the bed none of this would have happened!" Agatha snapped, bending down to pick up the paperweight, and letter opener which had fallen. "Now we'll have another doctor's bill. One a day isn't enough, no you have to go whole hog...."

William got up, and walked over to Agatha. He tapped her angrily on the shoulder. Startled she spun around, and in the process embedded the letter opener into her husband's chest.

William had just succeeded in finally getting his peace and quiet. Unfortunately it wasn't the way he planned, but it was what he wanted. He fell down, dead.

Epilogue:

Mrs. Agatha Shanks in a strange way got exactly what she wanted. After 29 year's of nagging her husband to death about petty things, she finally has something substantial to grip about. And though she should be happy, she is not. Part of the reason is that with her temperament one can not be happy, and grip at the same time. Also is the fact that being slapped in maximum security prison one discovers that everyone not only has grip's of their own, but are innocent as well, and they listen to your grip's about as well as you listen to theirs.

Though more than slightly warped, it was not enough to get her into an insane asylum. But sitting next to her for any length of time would be more than enough to make any normal person freak.

Mr. William Shanks also received his wish. He wanted to get away from his wife's nagging. Not only is he way from her, but at six feet deep, and covered with dirt, he is not hearing much.

Author's note:

This is the happiest and most perfect ending for two people with such a pitiful life.

The End