why i despise roger ebert:

"We live in a time when Hollywood shyly ejects weekly remakes of dependable plots, terrified to include anything that might confuse the dullest audience member. The new studio guidelines prefer PG-13 cuts from directors, so now we get movies like "Coyote Ugly" that start out with no brains and now don't have any sex, either. Into this wilderness comes a movie like "The Cell," which is challenging, wildly ambitious and technically superb, and I dunno: I guess it just overloads the circuits for some people.

and for my final trick of the day...: the scariest photo ever of al gore.
by Kate Sloane at 2:04 PM | link

after being lazy for two weeks...: it's time to close the poll. officially, the best ice cream ever is ben & jerry's, taking in 66.6% (yes, i see the number) of the vote. haagen daz got 16%, and the others (starbucks, microbatch, and dreamery) all tied with 5.5% of the vote. a side note: dreamery might've been unfairly behind, as i was told after the voting began that edy's is actually called dreyer's in most of the us, it's only the very east coast that calls it edy's. sorry. and only two people put down their favorite flavors! dulce de leche and cherry garcia officially tie for best flavor, ever.

new poll! what upcoming film do you want to go see the most? if you haven't heard of any of them, go to the internet movie database and have fun looking them up. be sure to leave juicy, gossipy comments that i can publish!
by Kate Sloane at 1:47 PM | link

i've seen evil and it is 10 years old: aaron carter needs a good slapping.
by Kate Sloane at 1:06 PM | link

the crow: not just for sad goth wannabes!: dmx is going to play the next crow. i'm not lying.
by Kate Sloane at 12:39 PM | link

it's now time to thank the lord that you are not the japenese prime minister: you might think it's a cool and powerful position, but it's not. the japanese force their leader to live in a rat-infested roach motel with mildewing walls and possible ghosts. ick.
by Kate Sloane at 11:05 AM | link

it doesn't matter!: for real, it seems. poor wyclef only debuted at 9 on the billboard charts. it's a shame, cuz it's a pretty good album. what happened? remember when wyclef was on the top of the world?
by Kate Sloane at 10:55 AM | link

funniest quote of the day: my friend's workplace just banned use of napster at work, and she forwarded the email in question to her friends:

"napster users are selfishly inhibiting fellow employees from visiting other unauthorized sites, forcing them to work and ask me computer questions."

we won't even give ya the flowery speeches!: why is such a pathetic man actually being considered for president? jeez. his new tactic is the "failed leadership" theme, which first off begs the question, since when is he running against bill clinton? al gore, as vp, basically has nothing at all to do with anything. the vice president is a useless position, the guy that's there just in case someone dies. that's all. so you can't necessarily blame al gore for bill clinton's faults, whatever one believes they are. and using the faults of someone else to excuse yourself for not having any specific plans is hardly a good idea.

he's just full of contradictions and vagueries. a federal judge ruled this week that texas had not done enough to help families in need of government-sponsored insurance. when questioned about this, mr. bush first claimed that said judge had "obstructed" his efforts to do this, and then turned around and said that the judge is a "well-known liberal activist." i assume that that tag is meant to mean that the judge is totally against bush on the basis of politics, but doesn't that contradict the obstruction claim? why would a liberal activist try to shut down a socialist program? he's a class idiot and should be locked in a room forever by himself.

choice quote: "the reason [the media is] pounding me is because [bill clinton] has been unable to lead." um. was he supposed to lead you to your opinions and political stances too, george?
by Kate Sloane at 1:52 PM | link

erin brockovich (2000): i rented erin brockovich, a film i avoided at all costs because it starred the talentless, irritating, annoying-voiced, uncomely julia roberts. at the cajoling of a friend, we rented the flick yesterday and watched it. i think i was right to avoid it.

the "true story" with a lot of fiction thrown in storyline is basically like norma rae crossed with the insider, starring a much uglier person than either sally field or russell crowe (the real erin should sue - she's the first person in the history of hollywood to be casted down). this film is a julia roberts vehicle in the traditional julia roberts vehicle sense, meaning she plays herself, so if you liked pretty woman or my best friend's wedding, you'd probably like erin brockovich. if you have taste, avoid it.

most of the characters, as befitting a julia roberts vehicle, are reduced to stereotypes. for about the first half hour of this film, while erin's world falls apart and she's struggling, julia tries to act. this is actually the interesting part of the film. she actually does a good job conveying erin's dillemma with men: she doesn't think any man will want her because of her kids and her marriages and her overall demeanor towards life, but then when one (cardboard stereotype of a man) does, she becomes insecure and she fights him, an obvious unconcious attempt to drive him away and prove her theory that no one wants her correct. she is someone who wants happiness and doesn't know how to do it, and ms. roberts does a decent job. then it turns into a typical hollywood triumph over the big guys tale, and julia goes back to playing julia, albeit a foul-mouthed julia. she is extremely distracting, all big ridiculous clown smiles and absolutely no real evidence that she finds what she's doing difficult. this is a movie that, in the hands of an actress with more depth and ability, could've been made alright despite slipshot writing, but julia is not that actress. she hasn't the subtlety to play this role the way it should be played to make a great film; she instead chooses to play the role like a big grab for attention.

i don't see this movie doing well at the oscars, but there's one scary draw that could occur: julia gets a best actress nod. the academy does not like actresses who can actually act (gwyneth), and she could easily pull that out. my hope is that she falls curse to the usual thing: a film that comes out early in the year is forgot by oscar time.
by Kate Sloane at 11:41 AM | link

tips on workin' wit' da ladies...: like the home ec book, i just can't imagine any of this flying today. can you believe it was only about 50 years ago that people believed all this?

link sent to me by melanie, who's website i just can't say enough good things about, so visit it.
by Kate Sloane at 9:53 AM | link

"actor" renfro charged with grand theft: brad renfro tried to steal a yacht. first off, what a strange thing to steal. second off, untie the boat from the dock, jackass.
by Kate Sloane at 9:31 AM | link

the campaign worked!: britney got voted out of the big brother house! you industrious fans of mine! ok, now i'll stop pretending any of you voted and get on with life. one note: britney's mother seemed to feel that the fact that george's family all voted for her and his local radio station had a campaign against her was the deciding reason that she was taken out. he's from an extremely small town, and i've seen plenty of other campaigns against her, plus on the fan sites, she might be most popular, but she's also most hated. stop pretending and just get on with your life, losers. besides, the last ep i caught anything of had a giant plane flying over the house with a banner that read "save britney, vote out george", which got national publicity on the show! didn't seem to hurt george!

good point mentioned in the paltry salon article: britney will get a job on tv, if only briefly. jamie, who i can't stand at all, will not. and jamie is the least popular in the house.

i think eddie's going to win.
by Kate Sloane at 9:10 AM | link

bush wants to debate, honest: it's just that he's very against the traditional three debate prime time format that everyone else did. but he doesn't like doing the late night, looser debate either. and going on the view is out.

what is the big frigging deal? that everyone will be exposed to the fact that gwb is an idiot? they already know that. that everyone will be exposed to the fact that a dying anteater could outwit gwb? everyone knows that too. what's the big secret? does he sweat profusely under lights? is he secretly missing a limb? his nose is fake and might fall off if he stays on stage too long? what? he's just going to look stupider and stupider and more cowardly the more he waits. why is anyone willing to vote for this man?
by Kate Sloane at 2:12 PM | link

star wars finally released on vhs!: wait, you're saying that it already has been released on vhs. more than once, actually. well, they're doing it again. instead of releasing a dvd version (which doesn't yet exist, strangely - there are dvds of pee-wee's big adventure and that surfing film with catherine zeta jones and ewan mcgregor, but not star wars?), they're releasing a brand new version of the trilogy. the "new" part is a 10 minute behind the scenes thing, about episode ii. ooh. sign me up.and it's the crappy digitally enhanced versions, not the originals.

the reason, incidentally, behind no dvd release: george lucas has no time for it. but he does have time for releasing a "new" version of the original trilogy on a yearly basis.
by Kate Sloane at 2:02 PM | link

can i vote them all out?
by Kate Sloane at 12:17 PM | link

scumbags of the world, unite!: seems to be happening, judging by this website. peta is just going way too far by exploiting people with prostrate cancer and breast cancer (yes, they have a breast cancer ad up too) and, um, zits. it just proves what everyone with sense was saying all along - peta cares more about the suffering of animals than it does about their own kind, aka humans. and the key is, their ads aren't funny. when they threw dead raccoons at anna wintour, however unsensible, it was kind of amusing. on the other hand, throwing buckets of paint on random girls in the street - many of which were found to have not been wearing real fur at all - is not amusing. this new campaign falls into that "not amusing" category. to top it off, where is all this "proof" that animal milk causes cancer? i'd like to see some of it, thanks. they have a pile of links to internet sites (with no opposing views, fittingly), but none of these links seem to prove anything besides milk isn't a necessary thing to consume if you get calcium in other ways. one article states that bovine growth hormone is linked to cancer, but hey, buy milk without the hormone. the real key is this: look at the photos of cows on the site. don't they look a bit beaten and abused? however, cows are not cute animals, unlike raccoons or similar plushy beasts, so talking about how sad it is for poor adorable cows won't work. so they take this tactic. sad.
by Kate Sloane at 10:05 AM | link

hands down, best blog ever: honestly. my new fave. fight! skate!
by Kate Sloane at 4:40 PM | link

here's something semi-interesting: i don't have a link because i'm reading it in a magazine, sorry. christine vachon and pam koffler, the production team behind happiness and boys don't cry, are developing a film called fine and mellow, a true story drama about a love affair between billie holiday and orson welles that occurred during the filming of citizen kane. possible casting includes thandie newton and edward norton (casting up, the hollywood dream!). fascinating - but what the fuck? orson welles and billie holiday?!

also - there is a film coming out in september called the watcher. it stars keanu reeves. as a serial killer. not to miss.
by Kate Sloane at 2:20 PM | link

e-mail time: god, nothing interesting is in the news today, so i'll amuse you with this. it's actual text from a 1950's home economics book!

1. HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. PREPARE YOURSELF: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay [ed: ????? i think this man would've been annoyed by my idea of this] and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc., Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.. Greet him with a warm smile and kiss, letting him know you're glad to see him.
6. SOME DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. LISTEN TO HIM: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. THE GOAL: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

i happen to have on very good authority that those quiz results are completely false: that being said, "liar-boy" (don't blame me, i'm just a messenger), here are my results to that test:

the bad girl: Who's a prim goody two-shoes? Not you! A little bit jaded and oh-so-experienced, you're the opposite of good; in a phrase — very, very bad. When you watch Grease, you root for Rizzo, not Sandy. Motorcycle clubs and tattoo parlors know you by name — you've been there and done that. Never one to say no to a good time, you'll stay out late and party till dawn. Guys dig your spontaneity, sense of adventure, and leather-dominated wardrobe. They swarm to you like bees to honey. Still, no matter how tough you are on the outside, you can get very tender around the right guy. You don't have to talk about your feelings with everyone you meet, though. That touchy-feely stuff doesn't really fly with you. Men admire you for being a sharp-minded, rebellious gal who knows how to let loose and bring out their wild side.

the hollywood minute: i don't have time for real posts so far today, and i'm not finding anything worth full posts anyhow, so let me condense the interesting shit: eminem is slated to star as a villain in the forthcoming denzel washington film, training day. this might also star tobey maguire. frightening. my only real question about this article, tho, is where do you get a copy of da hip-hop witch?

christina aguilera is working on two new albums, one spanish, one holiday-themed for christmas. she will also star in her own tv special. the spanish album will feature five songs from her first album translated into spanish (creative), plus a handful of new tracks, and will be titled mi reflejo. you masochists can go get it on september 12. wanna listen before you buy? she'll sing genio atrapado (yes, that means what you think it means) on the latin grammys! the music of the world! her christmas album is out october 24. it will feature a duet with dr. john. that's all i have to say about that.

and the spice girls. forever was also the name of puffy's unsucessful album. bad call, ladies. but hey, go to their website anyhow. not even airbrushing and stylizing can make emma look young.
by Kate Sloane at 12:30 PM | link

fan fiction: why?: honestly, scooby doo meets the monkees? was there really a reason this had to exist? multiple monkee personalities? inspired by quantum leap? why do people do this sort of thing? and those are just the two most bizzare examples on the net. we have stories of xena and gabrielle doin' it, a-team fiction, and labrynth fantasies. it seems very time consuming, so i want to know the "why" behind fan fiction. is it that they think they can write the show or movie better than the writers? and what about all this ridiculous boy band fiction? are they so boring that we have to invent lives for them? i just truly don't get it. if you read this and write fan fiction, please email me and let me know what it's about. i'll even give ya a link!
by Kate Sloane at 11:48 AM | link

do you love hello kitty? do you fucking love hello kitty?: i know you do. there's a whole hello kitty museum, because of people like you that love hello kitty. damn all of you hello kitty freaks.

oh, and just a warning - the page starts with 'please wait awhile for this page to load.' and the counter is in japanese, despite nothing else being in japanese.
by Kate Sloane at 11:29 AM | link

the strangest thing i've read in a week: i didn't know there was such a disorder as this - it's a psychotherapist (incidentally, never sign me up for this shrink, he's wacked out) who wants to have his own healthy leg chopped off because he's obsessed with amputation. it's very strange, and fascinating. the reasoning behind the disorder is that they're trying to have better sex - kind of like crash, i guess, but real. feel lucky that you aren't obsessed with cutting off your limbs.
by Kate Sloane at 10:35 AM | link

i found this fascinating and so will you: stolen from fresh hell, it's a story about how the big brother webfeed is biting cbs in the ass because it shows anyone who wants to know just how much they cut out. apparently, george wants to lead a revolt to leave the house because they're so manipulative and torturous! "boring" houseguests cassandra and curtis have plenty of intrigue that gets cut out, as well - cassandra was imprisoned in africa, which is enough to get me watching - if they'd show her talking about it on tv.

speaking of this, i was roped in to call - 1 (900) 740-1000 to vote out britney from the big brother house. if i could waste 99c on doing something as irrelevant as voting on someone i don't care about on a show i don't watch, you can do. do it. now. death to green-haired virgins!

and as a service to the 10,000 people who have come looking for slim shady, eminem's the real slim shady also doubles as our bad song of the day. here are the full lyrics:

May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please? Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? I repeat, will the real Slim Shady please stand up? We're gonna have a problem here Y'all act like ya never seen a white person before Jaws all on the floor like Pam, like Tommy just burst in the door And started whooping her ass worse than before They first were divorced, throwin’ her over furniture (scream) It's the return of the... "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding, he just didn't say what I think he did, did he?" And Dr. Dre said... Nothing you idiots! Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in my basement! (Ha-ha!) Feminist women love Eminem Chicka chicka chicka Slim Shady, I'm sick of him Look at him, walking around grabbing his you-know-what Flipping at you-know-who, yeah, but he's so cute though" Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose But no worse than what's going on in your parents' bedrooms Sometimes, I wanna get on TV and just let loose, but can't But it's cool for Tom Green to hump a dead moose "My bum is on your lips, my bum is on your lips" And if I'm lucky, you might just give it a little kiss And that's the message that we deliver to little kids And expect them not to know what a woman's clitoris is Of course they gonna know what intercourse is By the time they hit fourth grade They got the Discovery Channel don't they? "We ain't nothing but mammals" Well, some of us cannibals Who cut other people open like cantaloupes But if we can hump dead animals and antelopes Then there's no reason that a man and another man can't elope But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote Women wave your panty-hose, sing the chorus and it goes I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up, please stand up Cuz I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up, please stand up Will Smith don't gotta cuss in his raps to sell his records Well I do so "Fuck him and fuck you too!" You think I give a damn about a Grammy? Half of you critics can't even stomach me let alone stand me "But Slim, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?" Why? So you guys can just lie to get me here So you can sit me here next to Britney Spears Shit Christina Aguilera better switch me chairs So I can sit next to Carson Daly and Fred Durst And hear them argue over who she gave head to first You little bitch, put me on blast on MTV "Yeah, he's cute, but I think he's married to Kim, hee-hee" I should download an audio on MP3 and show the whole world how you gave Eminem VD (scream) I'm sick of you little girl and boy groups All you do is annoy me so I have been sent here to destroy you And there's a million of us just like me Who cuss like me; who just don't give a fuck like me Who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me And just might be the next best thing but not quite me! I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up, please stand up Cuz I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up, please stand up I'm like a head trip to listen to cuz I'm only giving you Things you joke about with your friends inside your living room The only difference is I got the balls to say it In front of y'all and I don't gotta be false or sugar coated at all I just get on a mic and spit it and whether you like to admit it I just shit it better than 90 percent of you rappers out there Then you wonder how can kids eat up these albums like valiums It's funny cuz at the rate I'm going when I'm 30 I'll be the only person in the nursing home flirting Pinching nurses asses when I'm jacking off with Jergens And I’m jerkin’ but this whole bag of Viagra isn't working And every single person is a Slim Shady lurking He could be working at Burger King spitting on your onion rings Or in the parking lot, circling, screaming "I don't give a fuck!" With his windows down and his system up So, will the real Shady please stand up? And put one of those fingers on each hand up? And be proud to be outta ya mind and outta control And one more time, loud as you can, how does it go? I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up, please stand up Cuz I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up, please stand up I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up, please stand up Cuz I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up?

did we listen to the same album?: no, not music, because some of us are not pirates (arrrrgh, matey), but ray of light. besides the title track, exactly which songs on ray of light were celebratory? let's run through the list of songs:

drowned world/substitute for love: even the title is depressing. basically, a song about how awful it is to be poor madonna, who really regrets being famous, which is why she put herself on the cover of every magazine when ray of light came out. sounds like a bad everything but the girl song, to boot.
swim: madonna taking on the weight of the world as if it's all her responsibility. lots of lyrics about how awful society is and how people need to behave.
ray of light: mentioned above as celebratory. however, i should point out that it is a point of contention as to what this song is about - there seems to be a slew of madonna fans who think this song is about death. positively about death, yes, but death is not the most fun of subjects if true.
nothing really matters: the verses seem to be madonna whipping herself for not knowing the way sooner. the chorus is the only bit that can be construed as a celebration of sorts. point two for you.
frozen: rather depressing, about a relationship that's not seeming to work.
the power of goodbye: the even more depressing version of frozen.
to have and not to hold: the other song that is exactly like frozen. set to a slightly latin beat tho! ay caramba!
mer girl: a rather grisly bit about her mother's death, the verbal equivalent of the guy that cut off his face and fed it to the dog.

speaking of selling out, she's so against it, yet she keeps begging moby and fatboy slim to work with her. it's pathetic, but not just for the obvious reason: if she is so underground and anti-sell-out, why is she going for the two biggest sell-outs in all of music, much less all of techno?
by Kate Sloane at 1:18 PM | link

i'm posting this here because it seemed a failed experiment on the place it was originally on, unfortunately - it was supposed to be a discussion which apparently turned into just my post. so! i told him to delete the entry, and decided to post it here instead, since it's alot wierd coming out of nowhere over there.

blogs in general: ok, so we have a topic - good idea. first off, i'd like to point out my favorite blog, bitch. it is fantastic and great and sexy and fab. go visit it. ok, now that that's over with, i'd like to mention a really interesting and different blog: confessions of a wannabe actor. it's about her personal life, but it's not one of those diary blogs that reads like this:

"karen got her nose pierced today, it's soooo freaking gross! shara redesigned! go shara!"
posted by tina : link

that, incidentally, is the reason i unlinked steal this blog! for a few weeks. it seemed like liz smith had taken over this page for awhile - i was extremely glad to see the recent return of reviews (outkast, erykah badu, etc), and just wanted to say that publically. you can always find links; in fact, hate to say it but the ones on this page weren't even obscure! but ideas are unique and i like those much better.
by Kate Sloane at 9:54 AM | link

i'm finally on google!: and i'm a bit disturbed. someone searched for the phrase "slim shady shut up" and, off this, came to my site 43 times in a row. what the hell? i also have searches for "wierd shaped penises", "chelsea clinton naked", "mom naked" (?!), and "christina ricci in see-thru swimsuit" (is this the rampant christina fan who got so angry about the sexy woman poll?). people search for the strangest things, and i'm amused as all hell by it.
by Kate Sloane at 9:33 AM | link

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