Here are some jokes from Newfoundland and other parts of Canada. I would like to stick to mainly "Newfie" jokes but if you have a good one,send it to me at the above address and I will post it here. The Afternoon Drive
One day an elderly couple was out for an afternoon drive had to stop for gas.
Attendent: " Would you like me to check the oil?"
Wife: "What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know if I want the oil checked."
Attendent: "Would you like me to top up the washer fluid?"
Wife: "What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know if I want the fluids topped up."
When the attendant heard them talking, he asked, "By the way,where are you from?"
The husband replied, "We are from Nova Scotia."
"Ah," said the attendant. "Years ago I was in Nova Scotia and had the worst love affair ever."
The wife said, "What did he say?"
Husband: "He thinks he knows you!"
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Enlargement
Once there was a girl who wanted larger breasts. So one day she went to see her doctor, Dr. Smith. Dr. Smith told her to rub her breasts and repeat the following: "SCOOBIE,DOOBIE,LOOBIE I WANT BIGGER BOOBIES". One day she was running late and decided to do her exercises on the bus when a guy came up to her and asked if she was a patient of Dr. Smith's. To which she replied: "Yes how did you know?".He replied "HICKERY DICKERY DOC!"
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Vern's Baking Tips
Ted was in the bar drinking too many beers as usual, when he,suddenly had to head for the bathroom. He was standing next to Vern taking a leak, when he happened to glance over and noticed that Vern's privates were huge!
Ted said: "I know this sounds weird of me to ask, Vern, but you weren't always so huge!".
Vern replied:"Well I'll tell you a little secret. Every night I go home and rub it all over with Lard."
So,Ted ran out, went straight to the store and bought a pound of Crisco. That night, and every night thereafter he followed Vern's directions. A couple of weeks later, the unhappy man went back to the bar to have a few beers to drown his sorrow. Later, when Ted had to go to the washroom, he bumped into Vern while he was taking a leak.
Vern glanced down at Ted and said: "Jeez! What the hell have you been doing to yourself!"
Ted replied: "It's all your damned fault! I just followed your directions. I went out and bought some Crisco and did as you said."
"You silly ass!" said Vern, "I said LARD not SHORTENING!".
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No Ears?
There once was a man who was in a car accident. Because of the accident, he had to have his ears amputated. The insurance company gave him money because of this odd injury,and when he got the money, he decided he was going to start a computer firm.But then the man realized that he had no clue how to run a business. So, he picked three candidates, and he was going to pick the person he liked most. The first candidate was great. "I'm almost sure I?oing to pick this guy", said the man with no ears to himself. Then, at the end of the session, the man asked the candidate one more question.
"Do you notice anything about me?"' said the man. "Yeah, you have no ears". With this, the man got mad and kicked him out. Then,the man interviewed the second man, and he was even better then the first man. The last question he asked the second man was:" Do you notice anything about me?"
"Yeah, you have no ears."The earless man then kicked that man out of his house. The third man was even better then the first and second men put together. He was, no matter what, was going to pick this man. The last question the man with no ears asked the third candidate was:
"Do you notice anything about me? "Yes",said the third person. "You're wearing contacts". "Why, yes!"said the man. "You're very right! How did you know that? The man replied: "You can't wear glasses if you don't have ears!"
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Super Hero Quickie!
Superman was doing a tour of the city one night when he sees Wonder Woman laying on a beach stark naked. He thinks to himself, "Finally, after all these years, here's my chance with the woman of my dreams." So, Superman zooms down, quickly does his thing and leaves.Then Wonder Woman, stunned and shocked, says, "What the heck was that?"The Invisible Man goes, "I don't know, but my a** sure is sore!"
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Piano Player
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.While the bar tender is getting him his beer the man pulls out a 12 inch pianist and a little piano.The man next to him asks "Where'd you get the tiny pianist?"The man with the pianist says, "From my genie".The other man asks if he can try him.So the man wishes for one million bucks and suddenly a million ducks start flying all over the bar.The man says, "What, i wished for one million bucks not one million ducks.The other man says "Well my genie is hard of hearing, do you really think I?eally wish for a 12 inch pianist."
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The First time
A guy that has never had sex before was asked by the girlfriend to come over for dinner and after dinner they were going to have sex.So MR V quickly ran to the chemist to buy some condoms and take some advice for the pharmarcist who told Mr. V everything he knew about sex and all different styles.Later on that night at the dinner, the girlfriend's mum asked everyone to pray before they start eating; after everyone started eating Mr. V was still praying.The girlfriend says: "I didn't know you prayed this much!!!"Mr. V Says: "I didn't know that your father was a Pharmarcist!!!"
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The Airport Ride - George & Aggie
George & Aggie were in Boston for the first time to visit their son and family. As they reached the front door of the terminal they hail a taxi , and got in. As they headed for the city the driver, making some small talk, asks them where they are from? Aggie asks George "WHAT'D HE SAY GEORGE?". The old skipper leans over and yells in her ear,"HE ASKED WHERE WE'RE FROM!". Then the old skipper says to the driver "We're from Stephenville"."Oh" says the driver,"I was stationed there when I was in the airforce". Again Aggie pipes up "WHATS THE FELLA SAYING NOW GEORGE..WHAT'D HE SAY"."HE SAYS HE'S BEEN THERE". "I see" says Aggie. They drive along in silence for a while when the driver
says,"You know I went with a girl when I was there, and she was the meanest most disagreeable hag I ever hooked up with"."WHATS HE SAYING NOW GEORGE ..I CAN'T HEAR HIM'.
The old skipper yells back,"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YA".
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39 Pills
One day this woman got to thinking about how her and her husbands sex life. She realized they basically didn't have one, so she decided to go to the doctor and get him some pills. The next day she went and the doctor told her to put 1 pill in her husbands coffee every morning. So, the woman went home and the next morning she did exactly what the doctor prescribed. The woman thought that since the pills worked so well she would put more and more pills in his coffee. As the week passed the doctor decided to call. When the doctor called their daughter answered and when the doctor asked how things were going she replied,"Well, my mom's dead, I'm pregnant, my brothers raw and dad is in the backyard saying,"here kitty kitty."
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The Salesman,Potato Farmer and Pig
One day a Salesman was travelling the back roads. As he was passing a Potato Farm, he saw a farmer walking through the fields being followed by a little pig. The Salesman came to a screeching halt when he noticed that the little pig had one wooden Leg!His curiosity aroused, the Salesman got out of the car and approached the farmer."Excuse me" he said "but I couldn't help noticing that your pig has a wooden leg! How did that happen?"The farmer says "Well 'by I'll tell ya, that pig is the smartestpig in all of this county...why..one night me and the missus was sleepin soundly when suddenly a fire broke out in the kitchen..this little pig ran to the bedroom window and tapped with his little hoof till we woke up and thankfully we escaped with our lives!!""That certainly is amazing!" the Salesman exclaimed. "But how did he get the wooden leg?""Well 'by I'll tell you" the farmer said. "One day I was out plowing the field and a big rainstorm hit, the tractor died and I was under it trying to get it started again..suddenly the tractor started up and lurched forward trapping me under the tire...the little pig came and with his little hooves he dug in the mud and thankfully I escaped with my life!"The Salesman replied in amazement. "That certainly is an amazing pig! "But tell me.....How did he get a wooden leg?""Well 'by" the farmer answered....."you don't eat a pig like that all at once!"
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Detail,deduct..... - Little Johnny
One day during class the teacher asks little Johnny to make a sentence with the words detail, deduct, defense, and defeat in that exact order.Thinking quickly Johnny says "Detail of deduct went over defense before defeat.
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"Half full or half empty?
When an optimist sees a half glass,he says the glass is half full.When a pessimist sees a half glass,he says the glass is half empty.When a Canadian sees a half glass,he says, "WAITER!"
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Cheaters in Heaven
Three men who have died and are standing at the Pearly Gates, waiting to get into heaven. St. Peter explains to them that the type of eternity they live in heaven will be decided by what they did in life.So he asks the first man "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The man thinks about it for a few moments and then, with downcast eyes, he replies "Seventeen times." St. Peter tells him "I admire your honesty, but that is a high number. You will be given a Volvo to drive around in heaven, and a small 1 bedroom apartment." The man thanks St. Peter and enters heaven.The next man is asked the same question "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" He thinks about it for only two or three seconds and then says "Four times!" St. Peter is impressed, and gives the man a comfortable sports car and a bungalow to pass eternity by with.The last man is asked how many times he cheated on his wife, and he doesn't even hesitate. "Never!" He exclaims with obvious pride. St. Peter, very impressed, gives the man a limousine and chauffeur and a gargantuan Georgian mansion.A few weeks later, the first two men are talking on a busy Heavenly street when they see the third man pull up in his limo, balling his eyes out. "What could possibly be wrong?"They ask the crying man. "You lived a faithful life, and now you've got a limo, a mansion and more respect in heaven than anyone else. You shouldn't be crying!""No, you don't understand!" He replies. "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"
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Rise from Dead?
One day a guy decided to visit an old friend's grave. He picked up some flowers to put on the grave as a show of respect.He entered the grave and put the flowers on the grave of his departed friend when he noticed another guy putting a beer on the grave of his friend.The guy thought this was rather amusing. He shouted over to the other "My son, when do you think your buddy's going to come up to drink his beer!" The guy man shouted back, "The same time that your friend comes up to smell his flowers !!!!!"
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Retired (A naughty poem)
My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out...
What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout...
Time was when of its own accord, from my trousers it would spring
But now I have a full time job to find the blasted thing
It used to be embarrising the way it would behave
For every single morning it would stand & watch me shave
As old age approaches it sure gives me the blues...
To see it hang its withered head & watch me shine my shoes.
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A newfie wants to learn how to skydive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his ripcord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready.
The time came to have the newfie jump from the airplane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump, and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the ripcord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his ripcord but the chute didn't open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie. The newfie seeing this yelled, "So ya wanna race, eh?
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These 2 newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail and nails it in, then picks up another nail and throws it away. Picks up a nail and nails it in. Picks up another and throws it away. This goes on for a while and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half the nails away. He replies, "Those nails were pointed at the wrong end." The buddy gets pissed off and says, "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house.
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Two newfies walked into a pet store. The first says "I want four budgies." The salesman says "Certainly sir, do you want two male and two female or all male and all female?" The newfie says "I don't care, I just want 4 budgies. The salesman says "certainly sir, what color would you like? We have yellow blue gr..." The newfie interrupts, "I don't give a shit what color they are, just put 4 budgies in a box for me, is that too hard?" Salesman says "ok, ok!" The newfies pay for the budgies and leave the store. They drive out to this high cliff in Newfoundland and the first newfie reaches into the box and pulls out 2 of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff, while flapping his arms. Of course he splats at the bottom. The other newfie looks down at his mangled friend and says "Shit, this budgie jumping ain't all it's cracked up to be."
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A cop was parked in front of a local bar at closing time waiting for DUI's, this one newfie comes out with his keys in his hand, trips over the curb and lands on his face, gets up and tries his keys in about 5 different cars until he finally finds his, he gets in and fumbles with his keys until the car gets started, by this time the parking lot is empty and the cop has seen enough, he turns on his lights and pulls the guy out of his car to give him the breathalizer. The test reads 0.0 and the cop is stumped and says "how can this be, its impossible." The newfie looks up and says" Well tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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Newfie flies to Toronto
a newfie was going to Toronto on an airplane and started talking to a mainlander.
NEWFIE: Lord Tunderin' Geeses Bye, what do ya do for a livin'?
MAINLANDER: well I'm a psychoanalyst.
Newfie: Psychoanalyst, what the heck is that?
MAINLANDER:It's hard to explain so I'll give you an example.
Mainlander:Do you own a fishtank?
Newfie: Ya, I got a tank.
Mainlander:Well, I bet you like fish then.
Newfie:Ya I like fish.
Mainlander:Well if you like fish then you probably like the water.
Newfie: Ya, I love the water.
Mainlander:Well, if you love the water, you must like to go to the beach.
Newfie:Ya I love to go to the beach.
Mainlander: I bet you like to look at girls in bikinis while you are at the beach.
Newfie:You betcha
Mainlander:And as you are looking at the women on the beach, I bet you are thinking about taking them home and having their way with them.
Newfie:Gosh, how did you know that?
Mainlander:Well, thats what a psychoanalyst is.
Newfie: Oh.
The newfie was going back to Saint John's and started to talk to another mainlander on the plane.
Newfie: Hi, how ya doin?
Mainlander:Fine I guess.
Newfie: I'm a psychoanalyst.
Mainlander:Your a psychoanalyst?
Newfie:Ya let me explain it to ya.
Newfie:Do you own a fishtank?
Mainlander: No.
Newfie: Well , I guess you don`t like women , do ya b`y? Miscellaneous Jokes TOP 9 SEX JOKES
# 9
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him
and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart
is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm
in room 1221."
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# 8
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the
taste, nothing will."
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#7
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and
he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her
about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual
statistics. It
identifies that American Indians have the longest average
penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name
is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
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# 6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns
over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few
minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This
time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?"
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# 5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong,Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
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# 4
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been
in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast
instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a
good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if
there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.
From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in
and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he
doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later,
white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happened to her which the man replies:
"She choked."
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# 3
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished
patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In
return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a
drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open
mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of
its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals
unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were
delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone
$100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up
in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to
promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
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# 2
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he
notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks
down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints!!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him
to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white
guy. "What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you
say?".
The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is
Turner Brown."
The small white guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said
'Turn around.'"
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# 1
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman
said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here
naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get
naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the
table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly
replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your
coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
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Old father
After marrying a young gal, a 90-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot the bear."
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
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Little Johnny Strikes Again
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who
can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be
gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands
up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny!
Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
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Boy buries goldfish
One day Timmy was in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decided to investigate.
"Whatcha doin?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm burying him," Timmy replied.
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"
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Scared straight
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music - anything that he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got even more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
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WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad... I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into trouble, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!""
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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." Little voice: "The big sissy."
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A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
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It was that time during the Sunday morning service for the children's sermon, and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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The police chase
Late one afternoon a man was driving home - above the speed limit. He noticed a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror.
"I can outrun this guy," he thought.
So he floored it and the race was on. The cars were racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy figured, "What the heck...," and gave up.
The police officer got out of his cruiser and approached the car. He leaned down and said, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were trying to give her back to me!"
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A Man, His Wife And The Cop
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.The man says, "What's the problem officer?"Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80!The man gives wife dirty look.Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks!The man gives his wife another a dirty look. Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."
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Through all the bad times
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he finally came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
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While walking down the street, a bum asks a man for $2. "Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies "No." "Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies "No."Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
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Just Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)!
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
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17 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think not what management wants to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
17. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
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Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
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Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up...
________________________________________________________________________________________ And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
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And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...
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Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month -- a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."And for the Main Course A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
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The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
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Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
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Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available. "Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.
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Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."
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And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy
Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
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...Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
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Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
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Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?
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Gone fishing
Three idiots are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps one of them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first idiot.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second idiot, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three idiots started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," one said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?"
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