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Get Real:

From the film with screenplay written by Patrick Wilde. Transcribed laboriously by Sarah Gosling

Scene 1:

Setting: Playground, 6 years earlier young STEVEN and MARK play on swings

STEVEN (V.O.): I came late to sex, I was nearly ten. That was when my friend Mark Watkins told me how babies were made.

STEVEN: Really, are you sure.

MARK: Yeah, honest. I saw it on one of my dad’s videos.

STEVEN (V.O.): For over a year after that I thought babies were made when two women tied a man to a bed and covered his willy with ice cream.

Scene 2:

Setting: Carter’s kitchen, 6 years earlier.

MUM: (sets bowl of ice cream in front of STEVEN) It’s your favorite flavor. (puts phallic looking bar of chocolate in the center.) Na Nah! (STEVEN abruptly gets up from the table and leaves, much to the confusion of his parents)

STEVEN (V.O.): Fortunately at secondary school we were given the facts.

Setting: Classroom, still earlier (probably 5 years)

VOICE ON VIDEO: It’s impossible for a male to mate unless the female is receptive and willing to place herself correctly for him. She then lies with her hind legs spread out, her back arched inwards, and the formally aggressive spines laid flat. (We now see that the video is of two mating porcupines) The male seizes her by the scruff of the neck, and mating takes place. Mating lasts only a minute or two, then the pair separate. The male plays no further part in bringing up the family, indeed the two animals will probably never meet again.

STEVEN (V.O.): So, that was sex.

Scene 4.

Setting: Present day, STEVEN is riding his bike home from school very recklessly.

STEVEN (V.O.): Simple, really. Just find someone to do it with, find somewhere to do it, and…do it. Thing is, when you’re my age, it just isn’t that simple. And as for falling in love, well, nothing prepares you for that.

STEVEN pulls up in front of a public lavatory and sits down on a bench, pretending to read a book while a gorgeous man leaves the washroom and walks toward him.

GLEN: Anything interesting?

STEVEN: Not really. Romeo and Juliet…by William Shakespeare. It’s really…boring.

GLEN: It speaks very highly of you (he sits down next to STEVEN) You doing your homework?

STEVEN: Trying to.

GLEN: You might find it easier with the book turned the right way up.

STEVEN: (puts book away) What do you do?

GLEN: I’m a writer.

STEVEN: Wow, a writer. I thought about, you know, writing stuff. I’m not really sure. I’ve entered a competition in the local paper. You have to write about what it’s like growing up as we approach the new millennium.

GLEN: What is it like?

STEVEN: You know, could be better. I guess it’s hard for any sixteen year old, but when you’re…you know.

GLEN: I know.

STEVEN: You’re lovely.

GLEN: Well you’re not so bad yourself.

Scene 5:

Setting: In front of LINDA’S house. STEVEN pulls up on his bike beaming while LINDA washes the car.

LINDA: Tart.

STEVEN: Jealous. Oh, Linda he’s stunning. He’s got eyes like Brad Pitt..

LINDA: Tart!

STEVEN: He’s witty and gorgeous…

LINDA: And dangerous.

STEVEN: Linds, you know I’m always safe.

LINDA: Safe? What’s safe about picking up men in toilets. You promised me you wouldn’t do it anymore.

STEVEN: I don’t I was just sitting outside minding my own business…

LINDA: Steve, babe, don’t bullshit me. Some randy git starts blagging you outside the public bog he’s only after one thing.

STEVEN: Well where else am I supposed to meet other blokes like me? And he’s not a randy old git, his name’s Glen, he’s up for the same thing I am. We’re going to the woods again on Friday.

LINDA: The woods? Steve you did it in the woods, you could have been…

STEVEN: What? Queer-bashed by squirrels?

LINDA: He could have done anything to you there, or you could have been arrested. It’s so risky.

STEVEN: Life’s a risk Linds.

BROTHER: (stands in the doorway) Linda, mum says if you don’t come in for your tea now she’ll give it to the dog.

LINDA: OK.

STEVEN: You haven’t got a dog.

BROTHER: (puzzled) Well we’ll get one. (goes back inside)

STEVEN: He’s never going to let you drive it. (STEVEN goes inside)

Scene 6:

Setting: Carters’ kitchen. GRAHAM, STEVEN’S father is playing with a Doctor Who model.

GRAHAM: That’s not what he said he was doing.

STEVEN: Hi.

MUM: Hi. (she kisses him hello)

GRAHAM: You’re late again.

STEVEN. Yeah. Just doing some research, for that newspaper competition.

GRAHAM: Special study groups proving useful then?

STEVEN. Great.

MUM: How’s the article going.

STEVEN: Oh, not bad, I should make the deadline.

MUM: Oh, deadlines, that’s very professional isn’t it?

GRAHAM: Well he won’t make any deadlines sitting in the park.

STEVEN: Sorry?

GRAHAM: Mrs. Gillingham said she saw you sitting in the park.

STEVEN: Oh…yeah. I had a bit of a block so I went there to…un…block.

GRAHAM: Steven you are going to finish this article aren’t you?

STEVEN: Of course I am.

GRAHAM: Because if this is just another of your fads then you might as well use the study time for your schoolwork.

Scene 7.

Setting: Beginning of the school day, we see several characters playing ball or smoking. STEVEN is harassed by KEVIN and some other boys, they push him around and throw his bookbag on the roof of the school.

Scene 8:

Setting: Classroom, WENDY is reading from Romeo and Juliet, MARK is gazing at her adoringly. STEVEN arrives late, it does not seem like the first time either.

WENDY: (reading) Come gentle night, come loving black browed night, give me my Romeo and when he shall die…

STEVEN: Sorry sir.

Teacher: Ah, Steven, what is it today? An earthquake? Bbus hijacked by terrorists? Or were you confined to your house by the plague?

STEVEN: Sorry sir?

TEACHER: Romeo and Juliet, Steven, by William Shakespeare? OK sit down. Oh have you finished that essay yet?

STEVEN: Uhh…

TEACHER: Steve, if it’s not done by tomorrow, I’ll have to suggest to your parents that you join the special study periods after school. Continue on, Wendy.

WENDY: (reading) Take him and cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night…(she continues for the rest of the scene)

STEVEN: (whispering) Mark…Mark, can I borrow your essay? (Mark, preoccupied with thoughts of Wendy, absently hands him a ruler)

Scene 9:

Setting: Outside near some shops and things. STEVEN and LINDA are sitting on a bench chatting while JOHN, KEVIN and others play soccer nearby.

LINDA: I’m just saying people sometimes go through a phase…

STEVEN: A phase? Since I was eleven.

LINDA: Eleven?

STEVEN: That’s how old I was when I discovered masturbation. Mind you it was another three years before I realized I could do it on my own.

LINDA: Stop trying to shock me! I’m unshockable.

The ball sails toward them and STEVEN catches it on a reflex. The group approaches them and KEVIN grabs the ball from STEVEN violently.

KEVIN: Stick to your own balls.

LINDA: (Checks out JOHN’S butt as he passes) You haven’t told those wankers you’re gay have you?

STEVEN: Oh, yeah, I announced it at the assembly this morning. I told you no one knows. Jesus (mumbling incoherently) as if I really was gay. (Mumbling again) because I don’t smoke or play football and I’ve got an IQ of over 25. School full of tossers.

LINDA: Oh yeah, bet you fancy half of them. Or even him. John Dixon. He is sex on legs.

STEVEN. I know. Every time I see his "Head Boy" badge I wish it was an invitation.

LINDA: Sure wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating biscuits.

Scene 10:

Setting: School. WENDY is trying to hang posters, JOHN approaches.

JOHN: Great poster.

WENDY: Yeah, but no one’s going to see it here.

JOHN: Well, why don’t you take down all this artwork, it’s been here for centuries. You can create your own notice board.

WENDY: Shouldn’t we ask a teacher first?

JOHN: Probably.

MARK and STEVEN approach, MARK stops to gaze at WENDY

STEVEN: Just go talk to her.

WENDY: Are you sure this will be OK?

JOHN: It’s fine, look, if it makes you feel easier I’ll mention it to the head later.

WENDY: Thanks.

JOHN: Look, I’d better go, I’ve got training.

WENDY: Don’t work that body too hard.

MARK: Hi.

WENDY: Oh, hi.

MARK: So, um, you’re on the school magazine this term?

WENDY: Oh, I am the school magazine, no one else can be fucked.

MARK: I could be fucked …I’d like to help.

WENDY: Whatever, look, finish clearing this spot, then stick this right in the middle (she hands him the poster and walks off).

MARK: (looks back to STEVEN in victory) Yes!

STEVEN rolls his eyes and keeps walking.

Scene 11:

Setting: Outside the public lavatory. LINDA and STEVEN sit on the bench awaiting GLEN.

LINDA: Steve, he’s not coming. Gorgeous Glen is forty-five minutes late.

STEVEN: He just got hung up.

LINDA: By his balls I hope.

A man approaches, looking at STEVEN. LINDA kisses STEVEN on the cheek and sticks her tongue out at the man.

LINDA: Sweetheart, I know you want me to meet him, but I just don’t feel quite comfortable here. Anyway, I’ve got to get home.

STEVEN: Oh, not another driving lesson. How many have you had now.

LINDA: Forty…eight.

STEVEN: You sure all you’re doing is driving?

LINDA: What else would we be doing? Not all men are obsessed with sex, you know.

STEVEN: You mentioned sex! Look you go home if you want to. You’ll probably scare him off if he sees you.

LINDA: Cheers!

STEVEN: No, I mean if he sees me with…you know what I mean.

LINDA: (kisses him goodbye) You be careful. (she leaves)

STEVEN walks into the bathroom cautiously. He enters a stall. He sits and clears his throat to indicate to the person in the stall next to him that he’s interested. He looks through a hole in the wall, and a pen is poked through with a piece of toilet paper wrapped around it. STEVEN unrolls it. It says "How old are you?" He writes back "I’m young", rolls it up again and pushes it back through. It comes back "Where can we meet?" He tries to write back but the pen won’t work.

STEVEN: Oh, bugger! (to guy in stall next to him) Meet you outside, on the bench. (he leaves) (He’s now sitting outside on the bench waiting. He looks toward the bathroom door). Come on…come on…come out.

JOHN comes out of the bathroom and both boys look at each other in surprise. JOHN approaches STEVEN and sits beside him.

JOHN: Alright mate, Carter isn’t it? Fag?

STEVEN: Sorry? (JOHN hands him a cigarette) Thanks. (STEVEN has obviously no clue what to do with the cigarette)

JOHN: This is a nice park.

STEVEN: Yeah…nice. (he coughs on the smoke)

JOHN: Filthy habit.

STEVEN: What?

JOHN: Smoking. I only started because my mates did. Peer pressure they call it.

STEVEN: Yeah, peer pressure. (STEVEN coughs again)

JOHN: Don’t smoke to impress me. You be yourself. (STEVEN throws the cigarette away).

STEVEN: Listen, Dixon…

JOHN: Hey the name’s John.

STEVEN: John, about what happened in there…

JOHN: Forget it mate, my mistake, I don’t know what came over me.

STEVEN: No, it’s usually a question of not knowing who came over you! (laughs for a second then looks away awkwardly) I didn’t know it was you.

JOHN: Well, I certainly didn’t know it was you. Look, let’s just put it out of our minds. I mean, you don’t know why you did it either, right. (STEVEN looks at him oddly, and JOHN figures it out) You mean you’re…gee, I thought, I mean, when Kevin and the guys call you names and that, they’re only taking the piss, right? You’re not really…dodgy?

STEVEN: Yeah, I’m …dodgy.

JOHN: Fuck me! No…I don’t mean…I just mean…fuck me. I’m sorry.

STEVEN: Don’t be, I’m not. What are you up to now? You fancy going for a coffee or something? Or, I live round the corner…

JOHN: No, I don’t like coffee, anyway, I should get in some training tonight, you know, sports day.

STEVEN: Yeah. Good luck. (he gets up and begins to walk away)

JOHN: Uh…are your parents in?

Setting: STEVEN’S bedroom.

STEVEN: (walking in and handing JOHN a cup of tea) You did say no sugar right?

JOHN: Yeah.

STEVEN: Sit down. There’s only the bed I’m afraid. Is it OK?

JOHN: The bed?

STEVEN: (laughing) The tea!

JOHN: Oh yeah, great. (notices all the photos of soccer players on the wall) I didn’t have you down for a soccer fan.

STEVEN: I’m not.

JOHN: Then why all the…Oh. How long have you known that you’re…

STEVEN: Dodgy? Since I was eleven.

JOHN: Fuck me! Eleven years old.

STEVEN: Yeah, when I was in the cubs there was this porn mag being passed around and all the kids were deciding which girl they liked and stuff. And one kid whispers to me. "I don’t know what all the fuss is about, I’d rather see another boy’s willy anytime." So I said, "So would I." (They laugh.) I’ve never really talked to another bloke about this stuff.

JOHN: Oh, it’s OK, I’m just interested…well…intrigued. Like does anyone know?

STEVEN: Only Linda, she’s a mate of mine.

JOHN: What about your parents.

STEVEN: Haven’t got a clue.

JOHN: What if they find out?

STEVEN: I’m not going to let them find out. I’d be gutted.

JOHN: (finds a teddy bear on STEVEN’S bed) Blimey!

STEVEN: Oh, that must be Linda’s.

JOHN: Then what was it doing in your bed?

STEVEN: Please!

JOHN Bloody hell! A gay teddy bear!

STEVEN: John!

They laugh and wrestle around for the bear, before they know it, JOHN is on top of STEVEN and the mood has changed. They both look down and notice that they’re both aroused. They look back at each other. JOHN begins to undo STEVEN’S belt buckle. STEVEN moves in for a kiss. At the last second JOHN pulls away and leaps off the bed.

JOHN: I can’t handle that!

STEVEN: It’s alright, John, lots of gay blokes don’t like kissing.

JOHN: I’m not gay! Look, I don’t know what…it was just a bit of fun! I only came for coffee.

STEVEN: You don’t like coffee.

JOHN: Stop being so fucking clever! (grabs his jacket and rushes out of the room)

STEVEN: John! (he watches as JOHN runs from the house)

Scene 13:

Setting: School, STEVEN walks down the hall, he notices JOHN walking toward him.

STEVEN: Hi John. (JOHN completely ignores him and keeps right on walking.)

Scene 14.

Setting: Carter house, GRAHAM is standing outside STEVEN’S bedroom.

GRAHAM: Steven! Steven!

STEVEN: (comes out of the room, irritated) What?

GRAHAM: Your tea’s ready.

STEVEN: I’m not hungry. (STEVEN goes in the room, GRAHAM follows)

GRAHAM: Steven, have you got something on your mind?

STEVEN: No.

GRAHAM: Is that your article.

STEVEN: Yeah.

GRAHAM: Pleased with it?

STEVEN: No it’s crap. It’s stupid.

GRAHAM: But you were really into it. Come on, let’s have a look.

STEVEN: No. I’m not sending it in.

GRAHAM: Oh, God. Steven, why can’t you see something through for once? I mean what’s your problem?

STEVEN: Sorry to be such a disappointment. (GRAHAM leaves, STEVEN throws his article in the trash)

Scene 15.

Setting: Classroom.

WENDY: Yeah, but if they hadn’t lied to their parents…

JESSICA: They had to lie.

TEACHER: You don’t think being up front about it would have been better?

JESSICA: Oh what like, Mum, you know that bloke Romeo? Well I know I’m only fourteen and that and I know he’s just savagely murdered your cousin, but I thought he was a bit alright so I married him.

TEACHER: Well, what would you guys have done in that situation? Steven?

STEVEN: (preoccupied with looking out the window at John.) Sir?

TEACHER: I said what would you have done?

STEVEN: Me? When, Sir? (JESSICA and WENDY laugh—the bell rings)

TEACHER: OK, listen, remember that tomorrow you will have to recite a speech.

MARK: Listen, any chance of borrowing some camera equipment from your dad, for the magazine.

STEVEN: No chance, he’s got real down on me at the moment.

MARK: Could you ask him anyway, it’s just that I told Wendy…

STEVEN: God, Mark! I’m not groveling to my dad so just so you can impress Wendy Bates!

MARK: Thanks! (he leaves)

TEACHER: What’s up, Steve?

STEVEN: What do you mean, Sir?

TEACHER: Everything OK at home?

STEVEN: Everything’s fine.

TEACHER: Girl trouble?

STEVEN: I said everything’s fine. (moves to leave)

TEACHER: Oh, did Mark ask you about the camera?

STEVEN: Yeah, I don’t think I’m going to be able to get one.

TEACHER: Oh that’s a shame, Wendy’s doing a piece for the magazine about the athletics team and we need some photographs, are you sure you can’t help? (STEVEN notices JOHN and the others on the athletics team out the window)

Scene 16:

Setting: Shopping mall, STEVEN rides in on his bike and cruises into his dad’s photography shop.

GRAHAM: What’s with the sudden interest?

STEVEN: Well I just thought…doing the school magazine would be good for me.

GRAHAM: OK, just make sure I get it back, I need it for Richard’s wedding, and yes, you do have to come.

GLEN: (enters the studio): I’m afraid I’m a bit early, my…(notices STEVEN, who notices back)

GRAHAM: Ah, Mr. Armstrong, not to worry, I’m afraid I’m not quite ready myself yet, so make yourself at home I’ll be back in a minute.

STEVEN: Glen! God, I thought I’d never see you again.

GLEN: What the hell are you doing here?

STEVEN: Just came to borrow a camera from my dad.

GLEN: Your dad?

STEVEN: It’s cool, he’s got no idea. And why did you stand me up the other day?

GLEN: Please just…keep your voice down.

STEVEN: Did you find another man?

GRAHAM: (enters, being followed by a woman and a baby who could only be GLEN’S wife and child) Alright, ready for your big moment.

WIFE: Hello, darling (kisses GLEN). Oh I told you not to wear that jacket.

GRAHAM: Now, uh, Mrs. Armstrong, if you would like to just take a seat there. (the baby is crying very loudly) Alright, oh dear, oh dear. Hello. (STEVEN leaves, dejected)

Scene 17:

Setting: Schoolyard, overlooking the track. WENDY, JESSICA and some others are watching the team practice and studying.

JESSICA.: (reading) From forth the fated loins of these two foes, a pair of star crossed lovers (stops reading)…uh…which speech are you learning?

WENDY: (gazing at JOHN) Romeo, Romeo, cover me in honey and suck it off with a straw. Oh God, he’s perfect.

JOHN: Fancy him, do you?

WENDY: He can pass me his baton any day.

TEACHER: (walks to them, followed closely by STEVEN and MARK who are holding camera equipment) Are you girls using your study periods productively?

JESSICA.: Yes sir, we’re just helping Wendy do some research.

MARK: Oh, Steve’s going to take the photos for us. It’s alright if he joins the magazine team isn’t it?

WENDY: Uh, yeah, alright. Thanks.

Cut to: JOHN, TEACHER and STEVEN approach.

TEACHER: John, we need to do that photo shoot now.

JOHN: Yeah, fine. (looks up and notices STEVEN)

STEVEN: Hi.

JOHN: Hi.

TEACHER: Is that your team vest?

JOHN: Yeah.

TEACHER: Maybe you should wear that?

JOHN: Yeah if you want.

TEACHER: Well you’re the expert, Steven so I’ll leave it to you. (TEACHER leaves. JOHN removes his shirt)

Scene 18:

Setting: Library, magazine team is around a table.

WENDY: Hey, you know that guy who was arrested last month for flashing young lads? He’s a bloody priest.

MARK: God, what was he arrested in the organ loft then?

WENDY: In the park. The police say the woods are full of pervs.

KEVIN: (walks over to the group) Jess.

JESSICA: Right on cue.

KEVIN: We need to talk.

JESSICA.: Shouldn’t you be somewhere else, Kevin, like remedial reading? (they all laugh)

KEVIN: P.M.T. is it, Jessica?

WENDY: Yeah, post-moron tension. Best thing you ever did, dumping that wanker.

MARK: Hey, Steve, do you want to go to the woods later? Get some news of the world stuff for the mag? No, seriously, we could write something about this. We want the magazine to be more radical this year. Well what could be more radical than a gay story?

JESSICA: It’s not a gay story, it’s a pervert story.

KEVIN: What’s the difference?

WENDY: Well you’re not gay and you’re a pervert. (they all laugh)

KEVIN: Something funny, Carter! (KEVIN goes over to STEVEN who stops laughing. JOHN notices this from the stairs).

JESSICA.: Leave him alone, Kevin!

KEVIN: (grabs STEVEN by the lapels) Queer fuck! Still laughing are we?

STEVEN: I’m not queer.

JOHN: Kevin! Stop pratting around, Grainger. Leave the girlies alone. (KEVIN lets go of STEVEN)

JESSICA.: You OK?

STEVEN: Uh, yeah. I’m fine.

Scene 19:

Setting: Outside the school on the lawn. JESSICA and STEVEN are talking.

STEVEN: So, when did you and Kevin split up.

JESSICA: Oh, um…a few days ago…I’d rather not…you know. I knew she liked him (talking about WENDY and MARK)

STEVEN: Oh, yeah. He’s liked her forever. You think she’ll go out with him?

JESSICA.: Maybe, if she finally gives up on the idea of stealing John Dixon away from Christina "supermodel" Lindman. You ever seen her?

STEVEN: No.

JESSICA.: Oh, not even the famous underwear pictures?

STEVEN: No.

JESSICA.: Oh she’s not a real model, she models underwear for mail order catalogues.

STEVEN: Oh.

JESSICA.: Still she is rather gorgeous. I told Wendy you’d have to be pretty special to steal John away from her.

Scene 20.

Cut to: Kitchen STEVEN has just come home.

GRAHAM: Is that you, Steven?

STEVEN: Yeah.

GRAHAM: I brought your photos back, they’re on your desk.

STEVEN: Oh, thanks.

GRAHAM continues to peruse the article.

Scene 21:

Setting: MARK and STEVEN are leaving school.

MARK: I think she likes me but she seems, like quite distant sometimes. It’s killing me! We’re talking permanent erection here. There’s a medical term for that, isn’t there?

STEVEN: Uh, yeah, sad bastard.

MARK: Funny. Did you see her this morning? I’m sure she’s not wearing a bra, you could see the outline of…

STEVEN: God! Just ask her to go to the bloody ball with you!

MARK: But, it’s difficult.

STEVEN: Well it could be more fucking difficult!

MARK: Steve do you want to go to the cinema on Sunday, if you don’t (something) at the ball.

STEVEN: Maybe.

MARK: Come on, it’ll cheer you up.

STEVEN: I don’t need cheering up.

MARK: Oh yeah right.

STEVEN: Alright, cinema, Sunday.

Scene 22:

Setting: Boys washroom at school. STEVEN enters to see JOHN drying his hands.

JOHN: How’s uh…how’s things?

STEVEN: Fine. We have to stop meeting like this. (another boy enters the bathroom and JOHN abruptly leaves)

Scene 23:

Setting: Outside the Carter house, LINDA is coming over to pick up STEVEN for the ball. GRAHAM leaves the house dressed in a Doctor Who costume. STEVEN’S parents are leaving for the weekend.

LINDA: Hi Mr. Carter.

GRAHAM: Hello Linda. You look nice today

LINDA: So do you. (MUM comes out) See you.

MUM: See you Monday, Linda. Have a nice time, eh?

LINDA: (calls into the house) Steve!

Scene 24:

Setting: The ball, music is playing, people are dancing. STEVEN is staring at JOHN who is dancing with CHRISTINA.

MARK: So that’s the incredible Christina Lindman.

STEVEN: Where?

MARK: The girl you’ve been staring at for the last twenty minutes.

STEVEN: Have not.

MARK. You ever thought of doing it with an older woman.

STEVEN.; Not exactly. (MARK walks off and LINDA approaches STEVEN)

LINDA: Stop staring at him, it’s embarrassing.

STEVEN: But he stares back.

LINDA: In your dreams.

Cut to: Outside. STEVEN notices JESSICA sitting on a bench. He goes and sits beside her.

STEVEN: You um…you OK.

JESSICA.: (crying a little) Yeah, just needed some air.

STEVEN: Kevin Grainger’s a right twat, isn’t he? (she laughs a little)

Cut to: Back inside. People are dancing.

KEVIN: (something I can’t make out)

DAVE: See anyone you fancy?

KEVIN: Yeah, Jessica.

DAVE: Ah, forget about her. The pastures is new, boy.

KEVIN: Pastures is right,. Cows, the lot of them.

DAVE: Well you don’t look at the mantelpiece when you’re poking the fire, do you?

KEVIN: (thoughtfully) What happens if you’re poking the mantelpiece?

Cut to: Outside, back to STEVEN and JESSICA

JESSICA: So it was fine for…six months. He was nice. Almost… you know, romantic.

STEVEN: Kevin Grainger romantic? Gimme a break.

JESSICA.: Then we, you know, did it. First time for me.

STEVEN: And?

JESSICA.: Oh, God I’m not sure I should be telling all this to a bloke. OK, well the day after we, you know, Wendy heard him telling the lads about, well, everything. Details. Graphic details. Even what I’d been saying when we were…I felt humiliated. He said he’s sorry, he said he want’s me back but…

STEVEN: No, you deserve better than that.

JESSICA.: Thanks. Look, I’m fine now, let’s go back in. Anyway, I think I’m off blokes for life. What about you?

STEVEN: Me?

JESSICA.: Yeah, you’re a real secretive one. Got a girl in your life?

STEVEN: No, not really.

JESSICA.: But you’d like there to be?

STEVEN: Something like that.

JESSICA.: Who, someone here tonight?

STEVEN: Yeah.

JESSICA.: Anyone I know? (STEVEN shakes his head)

Cut to: Back inside, people dancing and having a good time. MARK and WENDY are dancing together. LINDA is getting a drink at the refreshment table.

DAVE: She looks available (referring to LINDA).

KEVIN: God, you’d have to be desperate. (DAVE shrugs, KEVIN goes over to LINDA) Hi, I’m Kevin. And you are?

LINDA: Thirsty?

KEVIN: Fancy a real drink, Kirsty?

LINDA: No thanks.

KEVIN: Something else then, Diet Coke. You know, I really like cuddly girls. So uh, could I see you home tonight?

LINDA: He’s seeing me home (motioning to STEVEN)

KEVIN: That wanker?

LINDA: No, not you, Steven.

KEVIN: Oy! Carter, not exactly an oil painting is she?

LINDA: No, she’s cuddly! And until a few seconds ago you assumed that because I’m a fat girl instead if some slim oil painting, I’d be gagging for a quick one in the doorway of Toys R Us? I can just imagine sex with you. Pathetic fumbling to find the bra strap. Slobbery kisses. Belching into some poor girl’s mouth because you had too much chili sauce on your kebob. And then, the main event, which is either over in seconds, or not at all because you’re too fucking pissed.

KEVIN: So I take that as a definite no?

LINDA: Take it up your bum.

KEVIN: I thought that was his department (referring to STEVEN)

LINDA: (goes over to STEVEN) Just because he’s got a prick he thinks he’s God’s gift to womankind. Stop this! If you’re going to put me through this bloody torture we might as well at least have a dance.

She drags him out onto the dance floor and they start dancing. MARK and WENDY dance too, JESSICA begins to dance with STEVEN as well. The music changes to "You are So Beautiful" LINDA pulls STEVEN in for a dance. JOHN and CHRISTINA are dancing beside them. WENDY and MARK kiss. JOHN and STEVEN gaze at each other adoringly over the shoulders of their dance partners.

LINDA: (feeling his arousal and pulling away) Don’t you start!

STEVEN: Sorry, I was thinking of someone else.

LINDA: Charming.

Scene 25:

Setting: Outside, STEVEN and LINDA are walking home.

LINDA: God it gets really boring sometimes. You haven’t got a monopoly on rejection you know. At least you’re not me.

STEVEN: Cuddly?

LINDA: Sweetheart I’m not cuddly, I’m not a big girl, I’m not well rounded. I’m absolutely fucking enormous. The only offers I get are from dickheads like Kevin "shit-for-brains" Grainger. And even then after he’s asked every other girl in the place. And at the end of the evening dancing with the desperate.

STEVEN: Me?

LINDA: Look, let’s have a night of debauchery while your parents are away, I’ll run home and get a video, you can break into your mother’s (something) cellar, we’ll have a threesome. You, me and Mel Gibson.

STEVEN: What will the neighbors think?

LINDA: We are the neighbors.

STEVEN: Yeah, I’ll put the door on the latch. (he runs into the house)

Cut To: STEVEN’S room, he is shirtless. He hears somebody come in to the house.

STEVEN: I’m changing. Be down in a sec. (footsteps continue to his room) I said I’ll be down in…(he looks to the doorway to notice JOHN standing there, looking rather upset)

JOHN: Hi.

STEVEN: Hi.

JOHN: (tears in his eyes) Please, I need to…I need to use your loo.

STEVEN: Fine, first door on the right. (JOHN hands him a half empty liquor bottle and leaves the room) Shit! (STEVEN hides his teddy bear, then grabs his shirt and smells it, he is not pleased, he puts it on anyway and puts some cologne under his arms.)

Cut to: Outside, LINDA is leaving her house, video in hand. STEVEN comes to the window and calls out.

STEVEN: Linda, I really don’t feel too good. I think I’ll just…go to bed.

LINDA: But? Steven Carter I really hate you sometimes! (She heads back)

Cut to: STEVEN’S room, he’s sitting on the bed waiting for JOHN to return, JOHN enters.

JOHN: The uh…the front door was open, I just, had to um…your parents out?

STEVEN: Thank God! (JOHN suddenly kisses STEVEN). Coffee?

JOHN: (Sits on the bed and puts his head in his hands) I don’t like coffee!

STEVEN: You don’t like kissing.

JOHN: Sorry. Please. Help me. I’m worried.

STEVEN: (Sits behind JOHN) I know.

JOHN: Confused.

STEVEN: I know.

JOHN: You don’t know! You’re not fucking confused!

STEVEN: Getting there.

JOHN: It’s just, I thought I…it was a long time ago.

STEVEN: What was.

JOHN: God I’m pissed. About …about a year ago. Geography field trip. We went to Cornwall with some other schools. You been to Cornwall?

STEVEN: No.

JOHN: It’s really, you know, nice. Like, quite wild. One night, I went and got drunk with this guy. Danny, from one of the other schools. He was…I thought he was…a sound bloke. Apart from being an (something) supporter. Sound. We had one of those giant balls of wine. Got really pissed, sitting on some rocks, by the sea. We got really silly, he dared me to…to dive in. He said he would if I would. We took our clothes off, counted to three and I jumped. Christ it was cold. He never jumped. He just stood there, laughing. Said I was a prat for doing it.

STEVEN: You were.

JOHN: When I got out, I was shivering, and he picked his sweatshirt up and as I sat there he put it over my shoulders and started to…to dry me…so…so gently. And I felt…I felt…

STEVEN: (puts a hand on JOHN’S shoulder) Take your time.

JOHN: (starting to cry a little) I felt…sexy…You know, aroused. Then he kissed me. Started to …to touch me, all over. God! Suddenly I freaked, I pushed him off, and grabbed my clothes and ran…and ran…

STEVEN: Johnny…

JOHN: We never spoke to each other for the rest of that week…and I’ve never seen him since. I told myself, it was the wine, the place, the sea, that it was his fault! But then the other day with you…and now whenever I see you I just want to (he breaks down and starts to cry harder, STEVEN puts a hand on his back) God…(JOHN looks pleadingly at STEVEN) What was wrong with me? (STEVEN pulls him in for a hug and JOHN begins to sob).

STEVEN: Shh…it’s alright…shh.

JOHN: I’m so scared. Don’t leave me. (they look at each other. They kiss. They look into each others eyes again, sort of smiling, and kiss again.)

Scene 26:

Setting: A car, LINDA’S driving lesson with BOB. It’s not going well.

LINDA: Whoops.

BOB: Not to worry, we’ll try it again next time.

LINDA: Can’t we do just one more. (the stick shift is stuck) It’s done it again!

BOB: (puts his hand over hers, guides the shift into place and lets his finger linger on hers for a moment) It’s a bit stiff.

Scene 27:

Setting: STEVEN’S bedroom. JOHN wakes up alone and naked and looks around the room.

JOHN: Steven?

STEVEN: (calls from downstairs) Just making breakfast. I’m afraid you finished all the bacon yesterday.

JOHN: (getting up and putting on his shorts) Fine. What time are your parents due back?

STEVEN: Oh they’re back, they’re down here with me.

JOHN: Shit! (starts frantically putting on his trousers) Shit! Shit!

STEVEN: Mum says if you make an honest man of me she’ll help you choose the curtains.

JOHN: (stops) Wanker! You wanker!

Cut to: STEVEN’S bedroom. JOHN picks up his mobile phone and begins to dial.

JOHN: Hi mum? Yeah…I’ll be home for dinner. I’m still at Kevin’s. What do you mean? Oh, well we had a bit of a row last night so I went and stayed at Dave’s yesterday, but I’m back at Kevin’s now.

STEVEN: (calls from the kitchen) Are you staying in bed all day then?

JOHN: Look mum, I’ve got to go I’m on someone else’s…Kevin’s phone, sorry for worrying you…yeah…see you. (hangs up) Shit.

STEVEN: (enters with breakfast) By the way, you hogged the bloody duvet again last night. What’s up?

JOHN: Could we get out of here?

Scene 28:

Setting: Outside, near the park.

STEVEN: We’re only lying to protect other people.

JOHN: Yeah but when Kevin called you queer the other day you denied it. If you really don’t like being…I mean how can you like yourself if you deny what you are?

STEVEN: Fine, let’s tell everyone then.

JOHN: (grabs STEVEN rather violently) No! Don’t you dare! (lets him go) I’m sorry I…I’m so scared. I feel like everyone’s watching.

STEVEN: I know.

JOHN: Listen, if you tell anyone, it’s off. If anyone even starts to suspect, it’s off…

STEVEN: (smiling) It’s on then is it?

JOHN: Of course it’s on. I …I like you a lot.

STEVEN: What about Christina?

JOHN: No contest. You’re a better kisser.

STEVEN: Promise?

JOHN: Promise. (STEVEN kisses him on the cheek, a woman looks at them, and they run off laughing).

Scene 29:

Setting: STEVEN’S room. STEVEN and LINDA are lying on STEVEN’S bed, chatting.

STEVEN: You sure you’re not getting the wrong signals?

LINDA: Steve, he kissed me!

STEVEN: Where?

LINDA: On the ring road.

STEVEN: No I mean…

LINDA: On the cheek.

STEVEN: Oh, must be love then.

LINDA: What do you know about love? Best you ever manage is a quick one with a complete stranger.

STEVEN: Linda…fine, what do I know.

LINDA: I didn’t know it could be like that. It was like, everything went in slow motion, you know like in a film. When two people stare into each other’s eyes and they both just know that…

STEVEN: (looks at his watch) Bollocks! (leaps off the bed and out the door) Bollocks! Bollocks! Bollocks! Bollocks!

Scene 30:

Setting: Movie theatre. MARK and STEVEN enter and give in their tickets.

STEVEN: I thought it was just going to be me and you.

MARK: I didn’t know I was going to get off with Wends tonight. I didn’t think you’d mind.

STEVEN: So is Wendy going to bring Jessica on all your dates then?

MARK: I didn’t know she was coming. Hey, you don’t think I’m up for a threesome, do you?

STEVEN: God, you should have your balls surgically removed.

MARK: I’m gonna need them later. (they sit.)

JESSICA.: Hi.

STEVEN: Hi.

Cut to: Theatre lobby:.

MARK: So, where to now then?

STEVEN: Want to go (something) your balls?

MARK: Actually I quite fancy a burger.

JESSICA.: Some poor animals balls then.

STEVEN: Ah, listen, I’ve got to get home.

JESSICA.: Me too. Walk me home?

STEVEN: Sure.

WENDY: See you then.

MARK: See you.

WENDY: So, where should we go?

MARK: Fancy a whopper?

WENDY: Sure, long as he offers (???).

Scene 31:

Setting: Field, JESSICA and STEVEN are walking home.

STEVEN: No, I reckon she can really drive she’s just (something) driving lessons.

JESSICA.: You know it’s funny but I thought Linda was the one that you liked at the ball.

STEVEN: No, no it wasn’t her.

JESSICA.: You know I really um…I really enjoyed dancing at the ball.

STEVEN: Well that’s what balls are for.

JESSICA.: More than that, I really enjoyed you know talking and that with you.

STEVEN: Yeah, I enjoyed talking with you too.

JESSICA.: I really feel like I can relax with you.

STEVEN: You can.

JESSICA.: Yeah well um, this is my house. Um, thanks for walking me home.

STEVEN: Anytime.

JESSICA.: You mean that?

STEVEN: Yeah.

JESSICA.: Thanks (kisses him briefly. Then kisses him again for longer. STEVEN is perplexed)

STEVEN: Jess…

JESSICA: Let’s not rush things.

STEVEN: Jess! (She walks into her house.) Oh bugger.

Scene 32:

Setting: Schoolyard. JOHN is talking to KEVIN who goes off. JOHN walks toward a bench where STEVEN is sitting.

STEVEN: Hi, how was training?

JOHN: I told you, never talk to me in school…

STEVEN: I just wanted to…

JOHN: Never! I’m sorry, but we’ve got to be more careful. Weekends are best. We can meet Saturday.

STEVEN: Great. Oh, shit, I’ve to go to a bloody wedding on Saturday.

JOHN: Plan not to go (he walks into the school).

Scene 33:

Setting: Classroom, STEVEN walks in past WENDY and JESSICA who are talking. JESSICA approaches him.

JESSICA.: Hi.

STEVEN: Hi.

JESSICA.: Hi. Steve, what are you doing tonight?

STEVEN: Um…

JESSICA: I thought we might go bowling or something…

STEVEN: Oh, I’m busy tonight, maybe some other time.

TEACHER: Ah, Steven, are you ever on time for anything?

STEVEN: Sorry sir, I’ve got the photos.

TEACHER: Fine, we were just discussing where to put your article.

STEVEN: My article?

TEACHER: Millennium Generation. The newspaper article.

MARK: It won the competition.

STEVEN: I hadn’t heard.

TEACHER: Yeah, they want to present the check on prize day.

Scene 34:

Setting: The Carters’ kitchen. GRAHAM is reading the letter from the paper about STEVEN’S winning article.

GRAHAM: (reading letter) And though the decision was difficult because of the outstandingly high quality of the entries, we felt your article to be the most professional, showing true potential and a feel for the craft that is journalism. (stops reading) There. Well aren’t you proud? I’m…we’re proud. Really proud aren’t we?

MUM: Mmm…the five hundred quid’ll come in handy won’t it.

STEVEN: I don’t understand.

GRAHAM: What?

STEVEN: I don’t understand how you could have sent it in without telling me!

GRAHAM: Well I don’t understand why you didn’t. What was it too much effort to lick the stamp?

STEVEN: Because it’s rubbish!

GRAHAM: All that stuff about this town having nothing for something of your age. I thought you really captured how a young person sees life.

STEVEN: Life? What do you know about my life! (gets up from the table and storms off)

Scene 35:

Setting: In LINDA’S driveway, her BROTHER is under the car, fixing it, talking to STEVEN.

BROTHER: Look, mate, can’t it wait ‘til tomorrow.

STEVEN: I have to speak to her now, it’s important.

BROTHER: (hurts himself on a tool) Ow…yeah well, so’s her driving. She’s got a test in two weeks.

STEVEN: Think she’ll pass?

BROTHER: Bloody hope not. Still if she is going to drive this thing the more practice she has the better.

STEVEN: But a five hour lesson?

Scene 36:

Setting: Yard of whoever it was who got married, STEVEN puts some food on a plate and continues walking through the yard.

RELATIVE: Hello Steven, we haven’t seen you since Tracy’s christening.

STEVEN: Probably. Not long enough. (he walks over to LINDA)

LINDA: So where was I?

STEVEN: Shagging Bob?

LINDA: It was more than that. We…made love. God, it was better than I thought it could be. So gentle and kind…

GROOM: Steve, my man, how’s things?

STEVEN: Fine.

GROOM: Aren’t you going to introduce us then.

STEVEN: No (gets up, LINDA follows him)

LINDA: Steve, what’s gotten to you?

STEVEN: I’m sick of everyone assuming you’re my girlfriend.

LINDA: It’s why you bloody invited me.

STEVEN: Well, things are different now.

LINDA: Why? Steve you’re getting so fucked up by all of this, are you sure you just shouldn’t tell your parents the truth?

STEVEN: Yeah, why don’t we get the best man to announce it? Linds, I’ve got to get out of here.

LINDA: Let’s go for a walk.

STEVEN: No, I mean out. I want to go back to Basingstoke.

LINDA: Sweetheart, no one ever wants to go back to Basingstoke.

STEVEN: Yeah, well I do. You’ve got to help me.

LINDA: Why?

STEVEN: Look, I’ll tell you if you agree to help me. John Dixon and me we’re lovers.

LINDA: In your dreams!

STEVEN: It’s true that’s who I was with all last weekend! We’ve done it! Loads! And he loved it! He loved me!

LINDA: Steve slow down. John Dixon?

STEVEN: Is my lover! If he was my girlfriend he could be here with me. I’ve got to see him today. I don’t know when he’ll be free again.

LINDA: Well, let’s just go.

STEVEN: My dad’ll freak. He says I belong here. I don’t fucking belong here.

LINDA: Darling, you’re cracking up.

STEVEN: Don’t be melodramatic. Faint!

LINDA: What?

STEVEN: Just do it!

LINDA: Don’t be melodramatic just faint?

STEVEN: Oh please! Then my dad’ll let me take you home.

LINDA: Steven Carter I really hate…

STEVEN: Hate me, loathe me, detest me, just faint!

LINDA looks around briefly, then faints dramatically.

STEVEN: Oh my God! She’s fainted! Linda! Linds! (GRAHAM and MUM come over)

MUM: Linda

STEVEN: She’s coming round.

LINDA: Where am I?

Scene 37:

Setting: Outside the park, on a running path. STEVEN waits for JOHN who comes running toward him.

STEVEN: Hi.

JOHN: Hi. Guess you’re parents are in.

STEVEN: Yeah.

JOHN: Pity.

STEVEN: There is one place we can go.

Cut to: JOHN and STEVEN sitting, JOHN’S back against a tree and STEVEN leaning on JOHN.

STEVEN: We won’t have to go through all this shit after you go to school. It’ll be great. I can visit you in Oxford.

JOHN: You can what?

STEVEN: Come and see you in Oxford.

JOHN: Christ, what are you thinking about Oxford for? That’s months away.

STEVEN: Guess so, you looking foreword to it?

JOHN: Yeah maybe. You know it’s funny, I can’t even remember making the decision to go there. It’s like it was something marked out for me. By fate. No, by my dad I suppose.

STEVEN: What ‘cause he went there?

JOHN: Yeah, my dad, Oxford blue in everything from rugby to cricket tiddlywinks. Can’t blame your parents for wanting the best though. I’m sure I’ll be the same.

STEVEN: You hoping to have kids then?

JOHN: Yeah. Well I mean I suppose so. Sod it! Listen to us! All that’s centuries away.

STEVEN: You do want me to come see you in Oxford, don’t you?

JOHN: (hesitates) Of course I do.

STEVEN: Just I’ve heard their rowing team have their best cox for years! (JOHN laughs. They here the crackling of brush)

JOHN: Quiet! I think I saw someone.

STEVEN: Shit! We’d better split up.

JOHN runs off, STEVEN buttons his shirt and starts running in the opposite direction, pursued by men with flashlights. Eventually, he runs into one of them.

Scene 38:
Setting: Carter living room POLICEMAN is talking with STEVEN and MUM.

POLICEMAN: This time you were lucky. You ran into one of us lot. But it could have been a lot worse. You understand me, Steven? I hope you do.

MUM: Yes, I think he’s got the point. Thank you very much for bringing him home. Can I show you out.

GRAHAM: Steven, what were you doing in those woods.

STEVEN: It’s just a laugh, I’m sorry.

GRAHAM: Oh, you’re sorry. You’re sorry? You heard what he said, how could you have been such a stupid sod?

MUM: Graham!

GRAHAM: Well use your imagination! He could have been molested by some…dirty old queer! God, the thought of that makes me sick. What on God’s earth possessed you?

STEVEN: Well where else are we supposed to go?! (Storms off.)

GRAHAM: Oh God. You don’t think it’s drugs do you?

Scene 39:

Setting: Dixon household, JOHN walks in quietly, obviously late.

MR. DIXON: That was a long run.

JOHN: Yeah, um I’ll get a shower.

MR. DIXON: Oh, Christina called again.

Scene 40:

Cut to: Living room.

GRAHAM: How is he?

MUM: Asleep. I don’t think it’s drugs, Graham.

GRAHAM: Well I don’t know who these so called friends of his are, but they’re no good for him.

Scene 41:

Setting: JOHN’S room. He looks out the window sadly then walks back into his room.

Scene 42:

Setting: STEVEN’S room, later that night. He sits at his computer and begins to type something titled "Get Real."

Scene 43:

Setting: School, STEVEN sits at a computer perusing the articles for the magazine. He puts a disc in the computer. JESSICA walks in.

JESSICA.: What are you doing?

STEVEN: What’s this then? Walking in the Cotswolds?

JESSICA.: Yeah, we have to put some stuff in from the staff. Are you putting something new into the mag?

STEVEN: No. (disc falls, JESSICA hands it to him)

JESSICA.: Yours?

STEVEN: Thanks.

JESSICA. : So, you fancy eating lunch together.

STEVEN: Um, I’m busy lunchtime.

JESSICA.: Steve, do you like me or not?

STEVEN: Yeah, of course I like you.

JESSICA.: No, do you like me? You kissed me the other night.

STEVEN: I kissed you?

JESSICA.: At the ball you said you had your eye on someone.

STEVEN: Look, Jessica, I’ve been meaning to talk to you.

JESSICA.: Oh God.

STEVEN: Sorry, it was my fault.

JESSICA.: How could I have been so stupid? (she storms out of the room, nearly running into JOHN as he comes in.)

JOHN: Sorry. Something you said.

STEVEN: Something I’m not allowed to say.

JOHN: Did um, did you get home ok last night?

STEVEN: Not exactly.

JOHN: What happened?

STEVEN: I was picked up by the police.

JOHN: And?

STEVEN: Well what do you think? They just gave me a lecture about the park being out of bounds at night because it’s full of disgusting people like us.

JOHN: You OK? (touches a scratch on STEVEN’S face)

STEVEN: You’re being a bit reckless aren’t you?

JOHN: Look, can we meet up again soon?

STEVEN: It’s going to be more difficult now. My parents weren’t exactly thrilled about last night.

JOHN: (writes a phone number down on a piece of paper and hands it to STEVEN) That’s my mobile number. If you can escape, call. Please

STEVEN: Alright, I suppose I can fit you in later in the week.

Scene 44:

Setting: STEVEN’S house. MOM and GRAHAM are watching Doctor Who. STEVEN sneaks a bottle of wine.

STEVEN: Is it OK if I just pop over to Linda’s?

GRAHAM: Yeah OK, don’t be too late back.

Scene 45:

Setting: Outside the Dixon household. JOHN is leaving his house, going toward CHRISTINA’S convertible.

JOHN: Hello beautiful!

CHRISTINA: You do recognize me then.

JOHN: I was talking to the car. (they drive off)

Scene 46:

Setting: Phone booth, STEVEN calls JOHN.

STEVEN: Hi, Johnny, listen I managed to sneak out, can you make it to the canal?

Cut to: JOHN, holding hands with CHRISTINA.

JOHN: Um, tonight’s not convenient, I’m busy.

Cut to: STEVEN.

STEVEN: Not convenient? Johnny I’m…

Cut to: JOHN:

JOHN: Hang on a minute, you’re breaking up. (he gets up to move away from CHRISTINA)

Cut to: STEVEN

STEVEN: What’s so important that you can’t see me?

Cut to: JOHN.

JOHN: Uh, Steve, I’m uh…I’m training.

Cut to: STEVE.

STEVEN: When do you think you’ll finish?

Cut to: JOHN

JOHN: I don’t know. I’ve gotta go. (he hangs up)

Cut to: STEVEN

STEVEN: John…Johnny?

Cut to: JOHN back with CHRISTINA

JOHN: Sorry, we won’t be disturbed again.

Cut to: STEVEN, opening the wine bottle and taking a drink. He looks very depressed.

Scene 46:

Setting: JOHN’S driveway. CHRISTINA drops him off and kisses him goodnight.

JOHN: See you soon. Ring me when you get back.

CHRISTINA: See you.

She drives off. JOHN runs into a slightly drunk and very upset STEVEN.

JOHN: Steve? Steve!

STEVEN: Just get out of my life.

JOHN: Steve wait! (he grabs his arm)

STEVEN: Training? What for? You lied to me.

JOHN: Steve will you…

STEVEN: You lied to me!

JOHN: Steve! Steve I haven’t even spoken to Christina since the ball! Honestly. But don’t you see, it’s the perfect cover. If I see her from time to time no one will ever suspect that you and I are…

STEVEN: Oh so you’re just using her?

JOHN: Yeah. No! I mean uh…

STEVEN: (crying) If she means nothing to you why didn’t you tell me you were seeing her tonight? It can’t work, John, I can’t stand it.

JOHN: OK, you want the truth right? I wanted to see Christina tonight.

STEVEN: Great, so now I know. (he starts to walk away, JOHN grabs his arm)

JOHN: Just listen, will you! You don’t know! You don’t know what it’s like…being me.

STEVEN: John…

JOHN: I guess I went out with Christina tonight because I needed to feel good about…myself.

STEVEN: And did you?

JOHN: All I felt…all I felt was that I was going through the motions…holding her…kissing her, hoping we’d drive past Kevin and the gang so they could see me with the most beautiful girl in town. And she is. She’s really …I like her. I really like her.

STEVEN: Do you…do you love her?

JOHN: Steven, I love you.

STEVEN: How do I know that?

JOHN: Well if it’ll make you feel better I won’t see Christina anymore.

STEVEN: Johnny, don’t see that’s not enough, I want to make you feel good about yourself I want you to be proud of us, but you’re not! You’re ashamed to be seen with me, you don’t even want people to know we’re friends! (crying harder) God, when other people are around you don’t even want to talk to me!

JOHN: I will.

STEVEN: Liar.

JOHN: I will, just one more chance. I’ll prove I love you. (near tears) Please. (they hug) You need a shave.

STEVEN: I shaved last month.

Scene 47:

Setting: LINDA’S room, she’s applying makeup and singing.

LINDA: (singing) I wanna be Bobby’s girl, I wanna be Bobby’s girl…hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm….I wanna be Bobby’s girl, I wanna be Bobby’s girl. Hmm hmm hmm…(BROTHER walks in)

BROTHER: Blimey. I thought you had a driving lesson.

LINDA: I have.

Cut to: LINDA’S driveway. A female INSTRUCTOR greets her.

INSTRUCTOR: Hello.

LINDA: Where’s Bob?

Scene 48:

Setting: STEVEN’S bedroom, he’s talking to LINDA about the BOB situation.

STEVEN: You’ve just got to give him time. He’ll come around, he’s probably scared of commitment and stuff.

LINDA: He’s a bastard. A married bastard. A married bastard with kids.

STEVEN: God, Linds, I’m so sorry.

LINDA: Don’t feel sorry for me.

Scene 49:

Setting: In front of the driving school. BOB has a new student.

BOB: So, Julie…you don’t mind if I call you Julie do you? Hop in.

JULIE goes around to the drivers side of the car to notice in bright yellow spray paint the phrase "Free sex with every lesson."

BOB: You alright?

JULIE runs away, much to BOB’S confusion.

Scene 50:

Setting: School hallway, STEVEN walks toward JOHN who is chatting with someone.

JOHN: Hi Steve.

STEVEN: Hi

JOHN: I’ve got some good news, I’ll meet you at the top gates at lunch time.

Scene 51:

Setting: Classroom. All the magazine staff are having a meeting. MARK is looking at stuff on the computer and finds something.

MARK: Fuck me!

TEACHER: Sorry, Mark?

MARK: Sorry sir. It’s just listen to this. (reading) Get Real, anonymous. I am a pupil at this school, I’m 16 and I’m gay.

WENDY: Bloody hell!

MARK: (reading) Someone once wrote that one’s real life is so often the life that one does not lead. I wish I could live my real life. I’m writing this article because I’m angry. And because I want to impress on all you parents that your assumption that your children are heterosexual may be causing them pain.

WENDY: They’re true that is an assumption.

TEACHER: Let me see this.

MARK: We can’t print this.

WENDY: Why not? It sounds great! It’ll only give people something to talk about.

STEVEN: Yeah and it’s a lot more interesting than "Walking in the Cotswolds". Or (mumbling).

MARK: Didn’t you authorize this, sir?

TEACHER: No, no I didn’t.

MARK: Well someone in this room did, we’re the only ones with the password.

JESSICA.: I did. It was handed in anonymously and I thought it was…well written, and thought-provoking.

TEACHER: It certainly is. Look, I’ll read it, but I’ll have to talk to the head about this. Can you print it out for me, Mark?

Scene 52:

Setting: School hallway, STEVEN meets up with JESSICA who has figured things out.

JESSICA.: Why didn’t you just tell me?

STEVEN: Yeah right.

JESSICA.: You could’ve. I told you…stuff.

STEVEN: Yeah I know. I wanted to, especially when I realized that…but I was protecting someone else.

JESSICA.: He’s a lucky guy, whoever he is.

STEVEN: So am I.

JESSICA.: Hang on, you said it was someone at the ball, so he’s at this school? Oh wow. Who is it? Tell me, go on! I won’t tell a soul. I promise. It’s not Mark? Oh Wendy’ll be…

STEVEN: It’s not Mark! (they laugh)

JESSICA.: Yeah well I was right about one thing. You are different from other blokes.

WENDY comes walking over to them.

WENDY: Shit. Bloody fascist!

JESSICA.: What?

WENDY: Alcock won’t let us print that gay article. Something about this sort of thing having no place in a decent school. Such a bloody fascist!

STEVEN: The (something) of Basingstoke strikes again.

JESSICA.: Well that’s it, there’s nothing we can do.

WENDY: There is! We can print an empty page with the word "CENSORED" running across it. We owe that much to the poor bugger who wrote it, don’t we?

JESSICA.: Well I’m sure the poor bugger will be delighted.

Scene 53:

Setting: Outside the school, JOHN is going to meet up with STEVEN

JOHN: Guess what?

STEVEN: You’re pregnant?

JOHN: No! My parents are going away for the whole weekend! How about it?

STEVEN: I’ll have to think about it.

Scene 54:

Setting: STEVEN pulls up to the Dixon’s house on his bike. He looks around for JOHN, who surprises him and sprays him with the garden hose. They chase each other to the pool.

STEVEN: Oh fuck! You bastard! You bastard!

JOHN: And it’s the magnificent Dixon out front by a mile! (JOHN jumps in the water) Dixon wins again!

STEVEN: We’ll see about that. (he jumps in) Hi.

JOHN: Hi.

Cut to: STEVEN and JOHN, still having fun in the pool.

KEVIN: Hi boss.

JOHN: Oh, hi Kev. (KEVIN notices that JOHN is not alone)

KEVIN: Um, I was just going jogging. Thought you might want to come.

JOHN: Sorry mate, Carter and me are having a swim. Well join us if you like?

KEVIN: Oh no, I’ll finish me run. Catch you later.

JOHN: Alright. (KEVIN runs off, STEVEN and JOHN splash back into the water.)

STEVEN: I can’t believe you asked him in!

JOHN: So what! He can’t swim! (they laugh.)

Scene 55:

Setting: STEVEN and JOHN sit poolside later that night.

JOHN: To us. (they drink) Do you think I could persuade my parents to go and live somewhere else?

STEVEN: What do you want to move out of here for?

JOHN: No, pillock! I’d stay here. You could come live with me.

STEVEN: I don’t think I could do that Johnny.

JOHN: Why?

STEVEN: (very seriously) It’s just…the wallpaper in the sitting room really clashes with the carpet.

JOHN laughs and pushes STEVEN in the water. STEVEN pulls JOHN in after him. They laugh, then move in for a passionate kiss.

Scene 56:

Setting: The Carter’s kitchen. MUM is looking worried, GRAHAM is fixing a camera.

GRAHAM: Will you stop worrying.

MUM: Who’s worrying?

GRAHAM: You’ve hardly said a word all weekend.

MUM: Sorry. (she kisses him and sits down at the table)

GRAHAM: You’re the one that says I’m too hard on him. If he’s made a mate of this John…what’s-his-name I’m all for it. (something) Oxford you know.

MUM: So he said. Graham…(STEVEN comes in the door)

STEVEN: I’m back.

MUM: Hello.

GRAHAM: Ah…

MUM: Good time?

STEVEN: Yeah we had a wicked time! (he runs upstairs all smiles.)

Scene 57:

Setting: The track on prize day. JOHN is running a race. He wins. STEVEN comes up to him.

STEVEN: You’re fantastic!

JOHN: Steve, I tried to find you before the race. What’s going on? Whole school’s talking about that censored page in the school magazine.

STEVEN: Oh no.

JOHN: People are saying it was about being gay. Was it?

STEVEN: Um…

JOHN: You wrote it didn’t you?

STEVEN: I thought it might be neat.

JOHN: I can’t believe you’ve done this! Don’t you see, people know we’re mates now. Does anyone know that you wrote that article? Anyone?

STEVEN: I think Jessica might have guessed.

JOHN: Oh shit!

Cut to: JESSICA looking over at STEVEN and JOHN and realizing that she’s witnessing a lovers quarrel. JOHN is shaking is finger at STEVEN and walks angrily off, leaving STEVEN standing there.

VOICE OF ANNOUNCER: Just to confirm the winner of the senior boys 100 meters, it was John Dixon.

STEVEN walks over to JESSICA.

STEVEN: Guess we should…uh…sell some more magazines.

JESSICA.: It’s him isn’t it?

STEVEN: Who?

JESSICA.: You know what I mean, the one you’re protecting, it’s John isn’t it? John fucking superman Dixon!

STEVEN: Jess…

MUM and GRAHAM walk over.

MUM: Hi Steve.

STEVEN: Uh, hi. This is my mum and dad. Jess.

MUM: Hello Jess.

GRAHAM: Hello

JESSICA.: Can I interest you in a school magazine?

MUM: Oh yes please

JESSICA.: Steve’s winning masterpiece is in it. (MUM buys a magazine) I’d better go see if I can sell some more of these. (JESSICA walks off)

STEVEN: I’ll be back in a minute (he follows JESSICA) Jess please!

JESSICA.: So that’s why he dumped Christina Lindman!

STEVEN: Jess, please you’ll ruin everything.

JESSICA.: I’m not going to say anything. I promise. But you have to be more discrete. People aren’t stupid.

VOICE OF ANNOUNCER: The final event of the day, the senior four by 100 meters relay, will begin in five minutes.

Scene 58:

Setting: JOHN is stretching before the race, MR. DIXON comes up to talk to him.

MR. DIXON: Oh John.

JOHN: Hi dad.

MR. DIXON: Just a quick word.

JOHN: Yeah sure.

MR. DIXON: I wanted to ask you, who’s Steven Carter?

JOHN: What, why?

MR. DIXON: Well these photos of you, they’re fantastic. I’d really like some prints. Is Steven here today?

JOHN: No, I mean I don’t know, I don’t know him.

MR. DIXON: Well you must know him if he took these photos.

JOHN: I can’t remember it was ages ago.

MRS. DIXON comes over with STEVEN

MRS. DIXON.: Raymond, I found him. Steven, this is John’s father.

STEVEN: Pleased to meet you.

MR. DIXON.: Hi.

MRS. DIXON.: Steven’s been saying lovely things about the house.

MR. DIXON: Our house?

MRS. DIXON.: He stayed the weekend with John.

STEVEN’S parents walk over.

GRAHAM: Ah, there you are, Steven.

MUM: Hello, we thought we’d lost you.

STEVEN: Sorry.

JOHN: Uh, I’d better go, I’ve got a race to run.

STEVEN: Uh, John, this is my mum and dad.

GRAHAM: Hello John. (JOHN walks off)

STEVEN: This is Mr. and Mrs. Dixon.

Cut to: STEVEN still with the parents.

STEVEN: Well we’re not exactly mates.

MR. DIXON: But you came to house?

STEVEN: Yeah uh just to give John a book he’d lent me.

MR. DIXON: Right.

GRAHAM: You said you were with John all weekend?

MUM: Graham.

STEVEN: Hang on, they’re starting.

Cut to: the race starting, JOHN starts a little early.

TEAMMATE: Why not wait for the baton, Dixon?

JOHN watches STEVEN argue with GRAHAM and gets distracted. Once the baton is passed to JOHN he fumbles it and consequently loses the race.

Scene 59:

Cut to: JOHN’S parents.

MR. DIXON: What’s happened to him

MRS. DIXON.: He said he’d meet us here.

Cut to: STEVEN’S parents.

MUM: What’s she staring at?

GRAHAM: Maybe she’s not happy about our son using her son as an alibi?

MUM: How do you know John’s not the liar.

GRAHAM: Because Steven’s hiding something.

MUM: Graham, can we go and sit in the car for a moment?

GRAHAM: Why?

MUM: Because I’ve got something to tell you.

Scene 60:

Setting: Boys locker room. JOHN is packing up his bag and STEVEN is standing against the wall. They are continuing their argument.

JOHN: I’m so fucking embarrassed! Why did you tell your parents you were at my place?

STEVEN: Because I thought we were going to be honest about being friends. Don’t worry, if anything they’ll decide that I’m the one that’s lying.

JOHN: And why did you write that bloody article! If Jessica’s guessed then everyone’ll know soon!

STEVEN: Johnny, we can get ‘round this.

JOHN: No! Not if it means everyone finding out.

Scene 61:

Setting: The Carter’s car. MUM has told GRAHAM about STEVEN and it’s sinking in.

MUM: He’s our son, Graham. He needs our support.

TEACHER walks up to the window.

TEACHER: Have you seen Steven?

MUM: Oh sorry, no.

TEACHER: Can’t let him be late for his award.

MUM: Maybe he’s inside.

TEACHER: Yeah, you must be very proud of him.

GRAHAM: Where are you going?

MUM: I’m going to go and watch our son get an award. (she leaves the car, GRAHAM stays)

Scene 62:

Setting: Boys locker room.

STEVEN: Can we just…

JOHN: Steven, mate I…

STEVEN: I’m not your mate.

JOHN: Well what are you then?

STEVEN: I thought I was your…doesn’t matter.

JOHN: We’ll be late for the awards. (he walks out of the room)

STEVEN: Johnny your bag! (goes over to JOHN’S bag and takes out a shirt) Bastard. (starting to cry a little) Fucking bastard. (KEVIN and DAVE walk in unnoticed by STEVEN) I love you, you bastard. (rips the shirt)

KEVIN: What the fuck? Why are you going through John’s stuff?

DAVE: Probably to get a cheap thrill.

KEVIN: That right, is it Carter? You really are queer! (grabs STEVEN by the lapels and shoves him against the lockers) John is our mate, and he’s not queer! Right?! Say it. Johnny’s not queer. Say it!

JOHN: Forgot my bag…what’s going on.

KEVIN: This little queer ripped up your shirt. He’s in love with you. That’s right, isn’t it?

STEVEN: Johnny, I…

JOHN: What the fuck is this! Wait outside. (KEVIN and DAVE leave)

STEVEN: (near tears) Johnny I…

JOHN: Shut it!

KEVIN and DAVE wait outside the door, playing lookout. They hear loud pounding noises and grunts from inside, presumably STEVEN being beaten up by JOHN.

DAVE: Bloody hell.

Cut to: Outside the locker room. KEVIN spots the TEACHER.

KEVIN: Shit! (he rushes into the locker room) Johnny…(he notices the closeness between JOHN and STEVEN)

JOHN abruptly pushes STEVEN against the lockers. STEVEN falls to the ground.

JOHN: Queer bastard! (he kicks STEVEN and runs out of the room, followed by KEVIN and DAVE. STEVEN remains on the ground).

Scene 63:

Setting: Hallway, LINDA is late getting to the awards ceremony.

ANNOUNCER: For continuous sporting achievement throughout the year this cup goes to John Dixon (applause)

JOHN: Um…thanks, that you very much. (he walks offstage).

ANNOUNCER: Now, a special moment. Some of you already know that one of our pupils, Steven Carter, has won the Basingstoke Recorder young journalist competition. We’re delighted to welcome Roger McGreggor, the editor of the recorder, to give the prize.

LINDA: (sits down next to MUM) Where’s Steve?

MUM: I don’t know.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, a young man we’re all very proud to have at this school, Steven Carter. (applause) Um, Steven doesn’t appear to be here yet. So um, perhaps first of all I could ask Mr. McGreggor to tell us a bit about the competition. (STEVEN walks in) Ah, the wanderer returns. Ladies and gentlemen, Steven Carter. (STEVEN walks onstage to applause and is handed the award).

STEVEN: I’m very proud…I’m very grateful to have won for the school. But I…uh…I feel a bit of a fraud. See I wrote about growing up as I imagined it must be for most of you. But there was another article which was to have been included in the school magazine, but it was censored because it was about a young guy who just happened to be…gay. I wrote that article. I wish you could have read it so you could understand. Oh this is so difficult. I’m sick of feeling totally alone. I want to have friends who like me for who I am. (starting to cry) I want to be part of a family who loves me for who I am, and not someone I pretend to be to keep their love. (GRAHAM walks in). I’m sick of hiding. Of feeling sad, and scared. Have you any idea! (crying harder) There must be more of you who feel like this! Like I do. Just speak out! (looks at JOHN, who shakes his head) Thanks for proving my point. Um… I’m gay. Sorry, mum, dad. But you can bet your life you’re not the only parents out there with a gay son. It’s only love. What’s everyone so scared of? Thanks for listening. (walks offstage. JESSICA stands up and begins clapping, most other people do too).

Scene 64:

Setting: School hallway, JESSICA and LINDA sit with STEVEN.

LINDA: I didn’t know you were such a drama queen.

STEVEN: I still can’t believe I did it? Mum says she’s known for awhile.

LINDA: John must be shitting himself!

JESSICA.: I saw him run off toward the sports field, white as a sheet.

KEVIN and DAVE walk over.

KEVIN: Weren’t you listening in there, Jess? Careful, you don’t know what you might catch. Forget him. He’s a…

JESSICA.: What? Puff? Queer? Faggot? Anything else you can think of?

MUM comes up behind KEVIN and DAVE.

MUM: I’ll tell you what else he is. He’s my son, and I’m very proud of him and if you do anything to hurt him, I’ll have your bollocks for earrings. (JESSICA kisses STEVEN on the cheek as KEVIN and DAVE walk off)

LINDA: Steve, I’ve got a bit of a surprise for you. It’s not quite as big a deal as you telling the whole world you’re gay. But it’s a surprise anyway.

STEVEN: (gets up) Tell me later.

LINDA: I know, why don’t I tell you later.

STEVEN: (goes over to MUM) Where’s dad.

MUM: He’s waiting in the car. You stay here with your mates, I’ll talk to him. He’ll be fine.

STEVEN: Mum I…

MUM: I know, love. I love you too (hugs him).

STEVEN: Mum, you’re embarrassing me.

MUM: Don’t be too late.

Scene 65:

Setting: On a bench in front of the track. JOHN sits alone. STEVEN comes over to sit beside him.

JOHN: God, no one followed you did they?

STEVEN: No.

JOHN: (goes to touch him, STEVEN pulls away) I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I…you must hate me for…

STEVEN: We’ve had more romantic moments.

JOHN: Strange thing is, after I ‘d…done that to you. All I could think of doing was…holding you…to make it alright. And I knew…I really knew…that I’ve never loved anyone so much.

STEVEN: (near tears) Johnny, you do realize what I just did in there. (JOHN is also near tears. STEVEN stands up and touches JOHN’S hair) Be happy (STEVEN walks off)

Cut to: Road beside the track field. LINDA approaches in her red convertible. She sees STEVEN and pulls up beside him.

LINDA: (shows him a piece of paper with a large red L on it) Ta da!

STEVEN: I don’t believe it! I thought you said it wasn’t as big a surprise as me telling…

LINDA: Shut your face. Fancy a drive?

STEVEN nods, smiling, and gets in the car. They drive off, he throws the L out of the back of the car.

THE END

If anyone can help me with the little pieces of dialogue I couldn't quite catch, please email me at thatsmycigar@hotmail.com