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Title: Living a lie
Author: GMB loves Angel
Rating: No description of sex, some violence. No adult language. I guess PG-13
Spoilers: The harsh light of day, IWRY, Sanctuary, The yoko factor, some elements from season five, but I don't really know if I'm spoiling anything, (I haven't seen season five...)
Authors notes: I think the title says it all, but to be exact: Buffy lies to both herself and others and have big problems with it. Don't read if you hate painful feelings.
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- So you let Parker take a poak, hey? Didn't seem you knew each other that well, Spike said as he slammed his fist into my stomach.
It hurt more than any hits I'd got earlier. It felt like he'd cracked me open, but I knew better than believing it. Spike was a pig, he loved torturing me with the mistakes I made. He was almost mocking me like Angelus did. I held a hand in front of my stomach as I didn't want any more hits there. It hurt way to much. Spike saw his opportunity to kick me in the head. Then I saw Xander running towards him.
- Xander, no, I screamed, knowing that Spike would kill him, but he settled with just throwing him into the wall.
Then Spike approached me again, kicking me again, I wondered why I couldn't defend myself. Maybe I was a little shocked that he was out into the sunlight, then I remembered why he had returned to Sunnydale.
- The gem, I whispered.
- Yeah, he said to me, waving his hand so I could see it. - The gem of amara.
He kicked me good and it made me fall on my back.
- Official sponsor of me killing you, he said as I got up.
I saw that he hadn't covered up his chest and took the opportunity to drive the stake into his heart.
- Oh do it again, he said and mocked me as I watched the wound close itself. - It tickles.
The he hit me again. I felt more pain, but what could you expect.
- Well I always wondered how one got to the slayers dimple knee. So what? Too strong? Did you bruise the boy, he mocked me.
- You're a pig, Spike, I only said, trying to fight him.
- Well when one think about it, who was it the told me that much? What was his name, oh yeah, Angel.
That did it, I told my self and jumped at him. I got in many good hits and slammed him onto a table. He rolled off, but I got a clear grip on his hand and was about to take the gem off.
- If you take it off, we'll both burn, he said, scared.
- Oh yeah, I answered. - Lets find out.
I took it off and felt a little triumph over watching him being in pain for once, but he managed to get into the sewers before he could turn into dust. That made me angry. He didn't burn. If I so ever saw him again, I was so driving a stake into his heart.
Later on we all sat at Giles place and looked at the gem. Giles suggested that we'd destroy it, but I had other thoughts.
- We don't destroy it, I said.
- Buffy, any vampire that gets his hands on this will eventually be unkillable, Giles started until he understood what I meant. - Oh...
- Hey, I have a gig in LA, I can stop by on the way, Oz said, giving me a smile.
- Thanks Oz, was all I managed to say.
- LA? What's in LA, Xander asked.
- She's giving the ring to Angel, don't make a fuss, Willow whispered to Xander.
He looked a little down, not saying anything.
- Are you sure, Giles asked me. I just nodded.
- He should have it, I said.
Then we all split up. Willow went with me towards the dorms. Oz had band practice, so it was cool.
- Does this happen every time, I asked her. - Sleep with a guy and he goes all evil?
- You made a mistake, she answered. - That's ok, we all make mistakes.
I winced of pain.
- Hey, are you ok?
- Yeah, I'm just bruised.
- Well that's to expect after how Xander told me you were beaten.
- But it doesn't feel like it's all how it's supposed to be.
- What do you mean?
- I just got my period and this is way more than just a cramp. Maybe he damaged something, I don't know.
- Then you should go see a doctor. It's better to see one now and find out it's nothing than waiting a few weeks and it'll be worse.
- Yeah, they have an open clinic not too far from here, do you think you can come with me? I really don't like doctors.
- Yeah, it's cool. You're my friend. Of course I'll do this.
- Thanks, I said smiling. It was good to have a friend.
The doctor examined me and I told him what had happened, well I didn't tell him the vampire part, but everything else, like I had been in a fight and so on. His assistant did some blood work and he made an ex-ray.
- Well, I asked, when he came back into the room. - Is it anything serious?
- Well, I'm sorry to say that you've just had a miscarriage.
- What? But...
- I guess, you didn't know you were pregnant. You weren't that far along, but it seems that you were severely beaten in the stomach aria. It killed the baby. That's the immense pain you described you felt.
I was in shock, I couldn't say a word. They wouldn't leave my mouth. Pregnant? But he and I had been careful... then Spike beat me. Spike. I hated him. I hated both him and Parker. Parker had made me pregnant and Spike had killed the baby. He had hurt me way more than he could imagine. Willow squeezed my hand in support. The doctor watched me and waited for an reaction. I couldn't say a word, that was my reaction. I couldn't do anything. I was frozen.
- Just so that you won't bleed to death, we need to do an abortion.
I couldn't say a word and Willow knew it.
- But, she just lost the baby. It's already dead.
- Yeah, the doctor answered her. - But this is so that her wound will close. The baby is still in link to her, if we don't do anything she can die.
- Buffy, do you think you can manage that.
I barely managed to nod. They brought me into the surgery and put a mask in front of my face and before I knew it I was waking up, feeling less pain. I didn't bleed anymore. But with the blood my feelings left me. I couldn't cry. I couldn't scream. I couldn't do anything. I'd had a chance to become a mother, to raise a child, but Spike had taken it away from me. I wondered if I would have kept it, if I knew. Would I have managed to look away from the fact that a bastard would have been the father? I didn't know and I would never know.
I never told anyone about this. I made Willow swear that she wouldn't tell them and she didn't, not even to Oz. She respected our friendship so much that she didn't even tell Oz. I could never be more grateful to anyone than her.
A month later I saw Angel again in LA and that made me feel so bad. I had betrayed him. I had jumped into bed with the first guy I saw, and he wasn't even allowed to move on. I felt bad and sorry at the same time, but instead of showing it, I went on and on about how much better it would be if we stayed away from each other. I saw the pain in his eyes, but I was left feelingless after that dreadful day when the doctor told me that I had lost a child.
I was getting closer and closer to this guy, Riley. I knew that he liked me. I, on the other hand, didn't feel that much towards him. I was only happy that I had found a safe guy that wouldn't harm me. In the meantime I started feeling sick. My period were left out and it occurred to me that I was pregnant again. How and why, were two big questions I had no power to answer. I talked to Willow, told her everything. She didn't understand it either. I didn't know what to do, but I didn't want this baby to be without a father and there was no way for me to kill it. It had been so painful, loosing the first one.
So I did it. I slept with Riley, without protection. I found a way to make him forget about it. And afterwards when I 'remembered', he promised me that if anything had happened, he would be there for me. And a week later him and me went to see a doctor that confirmed it. But somehow Riley managed to see the bright thing in it. He was going to be a father, or so he thought. If I had felt anything I would have felt bad about tricking him, but I didn't have any feelings. I only felt a disgust against men. Every time Riley kissed me, I felt like I had to throw up. First I thought it was because of the pregnancy, but everything else about the pregnancy came and went, but this never did.
Everyone in the gang on the other hand, believed that Parker was the father, and I let them believe that, as I didn't want to feel the pain I had felt before. I also made them promise that they wouldn't tell him. I had only begun building a safe life for my child with a father I could count on would be there and help me, even though I didn't love him.
I continued classes, but I was forbidden to patrol and for once I didn't argue. Junior made me eat quite a lot, but right after, he or she didn't want the food and made me throw up. I had the whole gang behind me. My feelings didn't return. The only thing I had feelings towards, was the baby. I loved this baby, even though I didn't know how it came to life. When it came to Riley, I was still numb. And it was like that with every guy I met, except whenever I met Parker. Whenever we met, I felt a sharp pain inside me, remembering what had happened. I tried my best to avoid him.
Then when Spike returned to Sunnydale again, I felt something far more terrifying than anything. Pure hate and also fear. Even after I found out that he had this chip in his brain that made it impossible to hurt anyone, I always held a hand in front of my stomach to protect my baby. Willow always noticed it. I bet she noticed the way I treated Riley. I pretended to be this happy girlfriend, but I was only acting. She was the only one that could tell that I was only acting.
I also cried at night, but that was only I who knew. At night, when I was all alone were the only time where my true feelings came out. This was the one thing I never told Willow. It hurt so much that I couldn't bare it, and that was why I shut it out. I wished that I never became pregnant with Parker's baby, then I would never have had a miscarriage, and I wouldn't feel so crappy inside.
Then not too long after I started to dream. First I figured it was only my fantasy playing a trick on me, giving me this wonderful explanation on how I got pregnant, but when the dreams didn't go away, I understood that they weren't only dreams. I got a reason to smile and a reason to cry. I had gotten one of my biggest wished coming true, having Angels baby, but if it was true, then it meant that he had given up a great big life, where we could have stayed together. I told Willow about the dreams, and she told me to confront Angel, but that meant that I would sacrifice the safe life, where I knew my baby would be loved and cared for. I didn't know how Angel would react to all this. After the way he had given up on us over and over again, I started to wonder if he still loved me. I told Willow that I wouldn't tell him, and told her not to say anything herself.
It was after having an encounter with Faith again, that I went to LA. She had tried to kill Angel, and I went after her. Angel and I had a fight there and then, not with fists, but with words. He told me to go home, and I did. I was four months along, but I wore big clothes, so nobody noticed. He did follow after me and he and Riley came into a fight, this time with fists. I would never forget one of Angels comments. He asked me if I actually was sleeping with this guy. He had no idea. He wasn't there long enough to figure out this shirade.
As more months passed my stomach grew bigger and so did Rileys pride. Then Parker started to notice it and started believing that it was his. He tried contacting me, tried to get to be a part of the baby's life. He didn't believe me when I said it wasn't his. Then he started calling me a slut. Riley broke his jaw because of that, I was grateful, but I still didn't love him. I hated this game, this feelingless game, where I was playing on his feelings.
Then she was born. Yes she, a little girl. I named her Jenny Isis Summers. Only Willow really knew why. I remembered how guilty Angel had felt for what he did to Ms Calendar, so I named our daughter Jenny, like symbolizing the life I gave back for the one Angelus took. I also knew that she was some kind of gift from the Gods and Goddesses up there, so I also named her after a Goddess. I also wanted her to have my last name, because she wasn't Rileys, but he didn't know that.
After she was born, I moved in with him. We found a place outside campus. As I predicted, he was a great father. He did everything so that she would be safe. Sometimes he made me smile for real, but even those weren't the loving type. The only real loving smiles were the ones I gave to Jenny. She was the thing that I never regretted. She was part of me and part of Angel.
We lived like that for three years. Riley never suspected my shirade at all. He believed that I loved him. But he didn't make me feel anything. I didn't have to throw up every time he kissed me, but I still sort of felt a disgust against him. I knew that it wasn't his fault. I now knew that the disgust was more against me for betraying Angel. I'd had his baby, but I was with someone else. And then there was the whole men-are-pigs feeling I had. Parker tried getting custody of Jenny and didn't give up after I had told him again and again that he wasn't the father. After that the gang started wondering if Riley really were the father and they settled with it.
Then it started to become more crowdy in Sunnydale. There were more and more vampires for each patrol and I dusted more and more vampires for each time. But even then there were more coming. Then we started being contacted and contacting the investigations in LA. It was the same there. More and more vampires and demons started to crowd the places.
Then we had an encounter with some woman named Glory, who turned out to be a Goddess, but not one of the good ones. Her mission was to destroy the world. The demons were her minions. First we felt safe as she didn't posses the key to destroy the world, but then when she got her hands on a young girl, we all started fearing her even more. This brought us to a big fight, where we had no idea who would survive. She tried to open the portal. Somehow, with pure luck and a spell from Willow we managed to get the girl out from there. Glory was really pissed and she grabbed the nearest one, which turned out to be Riley and she snapped his neck, killing him there and then. I didn't remember how, but somehow we managed to win the fight and destroy Glory.
When we came back at moms place I just went to my old room and stayed there. Everybody believed that I was mourning over Riley, but I wasn't. I felt bad for not feeling bad about it. So I just sat there keeping up the shirade.
In the meantime, everybody sat downstairs and talked about it.
- It's going to be tough for Jenny, mom said.
- Who, Angel asked, who had never met Jenny. I pleaded Riley to keep her home while we were researching it all.
- Their daughter, mom replied.
- Wait a second, she has a kid?
- Yeah, Jenny is three years old. The cutest little girl you could ever imagine.
- Grandma, a little voice said.
Angel looked around and saw our daughter for the first time. Jenny ran into moms arms and she was picked up and put in her lap. Angel couldn't believe his eyes. He looked straight at her. She had blond hair and blue eyes, like me. She was a happy little girl, not knowing about what had happened. Mom took a deep breath, knowing that she had to tell her.
- Honey, your daddy's dead, she said.
They all expected a reaction. Jenny knew about death and what it meant.
- He wasn't my daddy, she just simply answered.
- Honey, what are you saying?
- Mommy told me.
- Oh, no. Don't say that it really is Parker who's her father.
- No, it isn't, Willow said.
- And if Parker wasn't the father then why did she let us believe that? And what made her so sure about it? She was in between them.
- She knew because she had been pregnant with Parker's baby, but she lost it, Willow said, blurting it out.
That hurt Angel, I knew it. He was now listening to a conversation about my betrayals towards him, about my pregnancy. Everybody looked a little down, wondering about what I had gone through. I now dared to enter and reveal that I had been listening to a part of the conversation. Willow shrunk in her seat, feeling terrible about what she had done.
- It's all right, Willow, I said.
They all turned to me. Jenny jumped off moms lap and ran towards me. I picked her up and then I sat down between them. They looked at me.
- Yes, I was pregnant, but after a severe beating in the stomach aria, by Spike, I lost it. It made me loose all of my feelings, I felt like a walking zombie, I said and started crying.
Angel hurried and sat down by my side. He held my head close to his shoulder and the emotions I had been struggling to hold back came out. I told them everything about the pain, about the surgery, about how I afterwards pretended everything was fine. I also told them about my lying, making Riley believe he really was Jenny's father. Then I told them all about my dreams and I told Angel that he really was the father of Jenny.
I fell asleep with my head on Angels shoulder. When I woke up, it was warm and he was alive. He told me everything about the prophecy, about the last battle, it told him he had to face. Together we explained to Jenny a lot of things. We decided to move into his old apartment as I rather wanted to be in a place where the memories of Angel and I were, than being in a place where the memories of my lying to people were. We sold the place where Riley and I had lived.
I went to his funeral and paid my last respect to him. And after everyone had left I went to his grave with a little red rose in my hand.
- Hi, I said to his spirit wherever it could be. - I'm sorry about everything I did. It wasn't fair and I now wish that I hadn't done it.
I felt the numbness go away and I started to feel more and more guilty about what I had done. I had probably ruined his life.
- I'm sorry that I used you, that I ruined your life, making you believe that you had a responsibility. I didn't have any feelings. they had disappeared with that baby I lost. And when I found out I was pregnant again, I was so scared to be in that defenseless position I had been. So I didn't think straight and I was selfish. I hope that you don't hate me for what I did, and if I had only managed to think, I wouldn't have done what I did. I'm sorry that I never loved you, but made you believe that I did. I should have been honest. I hope that you one day will forgive me.
And I left it all there by the gravestone. I didn't feel responsible for his death as I knew he would have died anyway. I lied the little red rose for both him and my guilt to rest in peace. At home I was greeted by the love of my life and my daughter. I was finally ready to feel again.
THE END
Authors notes: As usual, I'd love some feedback.
