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Hope in the Shadows

As I trailed them through the dark streets, I struggled to keep myself hidden. Oh I knew that she knew I was near. She always knows and it just made it all the more difficult for me to remain in the shadows. How I wanted to go to her, to wrap my arms around her and apologize. To share with her the memories of that day, our day, the day that never was. The images still assault me both when I am awake and especially in my dreams. I can push them away more easily when I am awake, and instead focus all my efforts on work, but now with her so near me…I can’t take it. I can hear her heart beating as she moves, can smell her pureness and it is driving me mad. Proximity breeds insanity for us. It always has. A vampire and the slayer – it isn’t exactly your sanest pairing but she owns me – dead heart and tortured soul. She always will.

She torments me with her presence. My soul burns for her and her only. I hang back as they enter a clearing and make their way to the edge of the park by the street. They stop and face each other and I cannot bear how she looks at him, how she is looking at him now. But I know that it is my choice, I wanted this for her.

Finally they seem to be engaged in some important discussion or other and I cannot bear it any longer. I came back for her. I need her. She is the air to me. She is my sunlight. Ever since that day in LA I cannot be without her any longer. I would do anything for her but this time it has to be her choice, her decision, as it should have been all along when I decided for us and I walked away from her. Not any more – I reassure myself – I’m back to rectify my mistake. I shrug the memories off of me as I make my way out into the clearing leaving the protection of the shadows and edging up behind her. I am here to face her and it is a good thing since there is nowhere to hide.

She stiffens as I approach and I can see the hair stand up on the back of her neck. Before I can move any closer she speaks:

“Angel?”

She says without flinching or turning around. Her voice is soft, but doesn’t betray her feelings. I notice her body language when I reply.

“Buffy.” I say her name gently, tenderly. God how I want her to turn and look at me, despite the chance that when she does it won’t be love that I see looking back at me in her eyes. But whatever her reaction, I deserve it for what I have put her through.

The guy with her only notices me after I speak. Hmph. Some protection he is. I have half a mind to let Angelus loose on him but I lose the urge when she turns to face me.

“Angel.”

Her words are like a prayer to me, renewing my strength. I meet her gaze and that is when I see it, just for a brief instant, it’s there. Her love for me. It is quickly gone and replaced by steely resolve as she regains her composure. Damn. I expected this but it doesn’t make it any easier. I hurt her more than I can stand to remember. I wish that I could reach inside her and take it all away. All the scars and all the pain I’ve caused her and swallow it myself. Better that I suffer than she.

She is waiting for me to speak, to reveal to her why it is that I am here. Why I have shown up again right after she just chewed me out for coming here uninvited over Thanksgiving. Why it is that I am again invading her world. The world that I told her I didn’t want to be a part of. My words are trapped in my throat as I look at her and I see the guy she’s with flinch out of the corner of my eye. I pay him no mind and focus back on her. I loathe the tension that separates us. There was once a time when nothing would have kept her from me…but I changed that. I stubbornly decided that this was no good for her, that she deserved better. She still does, but it has to be her choice.

She is still staring at me and I can hear her heart beating. The sound brings back a rush of memories from that day, when I had a heartbeat too. When all the pain and the distance of these past months was erased as I held her in my arms again. I take a step towards her and she doesn’t move, doesn’t even flinch. God I love her. I can’t help it she’s inside me. Her blood runs in my veins and it intoxicates me. I struggle to suppress my fear, for I know she can read my eyes, as I begin to speak…

“Buffy, I...” But I do not get the chance to explain. To say all the things that I have practiced over and over in my head since she left my office that day. I do not get to say these things because we are interrupted….by Spike. Damn children.

He steps out of the shadows behind Buffy lighting a cigarette as he walks towards us. He looks momentarily startled as he notices me for the first time but then his face curls into that familiar sarcastic grin.

“Well, well, well. Now what have we got here?”

Buffy and I haven’t taken our eyes off of each other, the stand off continuing. I know that she is waiting for me to crack, to give in first and I want to, but now I have the added audience of not only her current…whatever he is, but Spike, who would love nothing more than to have fun at my and her expense. She pays him no mind and I move a step closer….just a little closer and I could touch her.

“If it isn’t Sunnyhell’s Juliet and her soul-cursed Romeo. Couldn’t stay away from princess sunshine could you Angel?”

“Shut up Spike.”

“Angel.” Buffy says my name and everything else fades away. She is still waiting for me…she’s always waiting for me. It’s now or never, I came here to tell her the truth to apologize even if it means that she tells me to leave for good.

I take a deep breath, an unnecessary habit I should have long ago forgotten, but am drowned out again by Spike, who is having a pleasant time at our expense - as usual. I glare at him in frustration. This is not how I had planned this. As I turn away from Spike, it is the demeanor of the other guy, which suddenly strikes me as strange.

He stood silent when Buffy and I were attempting to have a conversation but as soon as Spike appeared he got this look on his face. A look that I knew well. It's not easy to explain, like a hunter who stumbles upon his prey in a vulnerable position. At first I thought his attention was toward Buffy, but then I realized he wasn’t looking at her. It was Spike that he was so focused on. I didn't know what he had against Spike, but he studied him intently: every gesture, every move. He glanced back and forth between Spike and Buffy and I trying to judge what situation deserved his attention most. If Spike knew he was party to a standoff other than the one he had intentionally caused he wasn't showing it and was still chattering away with glee at the cleverness of his jabs. I ignored him mostly, watching Buffy.

Spike's interruption had reminded her of the other guy's presence as well. She looked over at him trying to judge his reaction and seemed equally surprised at his interest in Spike. I took the opportunity to take another step toward her, ignoring the others.

"Buffy?" I said softly wanting her to focus on me for a second.

She turned from him and back to me. I saw her shift nervously on her feet though her features did not betray it. Always the strong one. She is watching me as I start to speak...even Spike is silent.

"Buffy, I'm sorry..." She cuts me off. I do not expect it and it catches me off guard.

"You should be. You did it again Angel." She is mad. Madder than I had anticipated. I know that technically I should not be here. We are supposed to be forgetting about each other but I could never...especially now.

"I know, but there's a reason Buffy..." She stops me again...am I never going to get the chance to explain?

"How could you? Without even asking me? Just because you are older and think you are wiser does not automatically give you the right..." Her voice falters as her resolve slips and emotion rises to the surface catching in her throat. I see her struggle to breathe, to stave off the tears that I can smell surfacing. What is she talking about? I hurt for her, watching her in pain and not quite sure what I did to cause it this time. Could my showing up in Sunnydale again really necessitate such a reaction? I was prepared for anger, fury even, but not this...not sorrow. I forget myself and close the remaining distance between us in one swift motion.

I stand facing her and gently reach out and touch her shoulder. I feel a shiver course through her at my touch and longing grips at my soul. How was I ever foolish enough to think that I could let her go? She is a part of my essence, her blood in my veins, and my soul in her hands. I had to learn the hard way that we are stronger together than we are apart.

"Buffy?" She does not raise her head to look at me but neither does she shrink at my touch. I hesitantly wrap both my arms around her small frame pulling her into me. I feel her labored breathing and I know that she is crying. Each tear that falls pierces my heart and I take it. My penance for all the pain I've caused.

Spike has seated himself on the bench to my left, still keenly interested in this turn of events.

The guy is standing to my right. I can feel him watching me. Wondering who I am and what is going on. He takes a step toward us about to protest but the look I give him stops him where he is, though he does not back down. Brave boy.

I turn my focus back on my heart. She has stopped shaking and looks up at me, anger replacing the hurt that resided there just moments before. She pushes herself back out of my embrace, it stings but I don't let it show. She has regained her composure and like the warrior she is, plunges onward.

"Why are you here? Did you think I was in need of some additional heartbreak or could you sense that the level of angst in Sunnydale was slipping and figured you could lend it that special brand of sorrow that just gets to me?"

I recoil at the anger in her tone.

"No." I say awkwardly. "It's not that at all. Buffy, there's something I have to tell you. I've come to a decision. I..."

"Oh great. Another one of those! Listen up everyone Angel's done it again, he's made another life altering decision for both of us without ever once considering what I think." She stopped and stared straight at me with a hurtful smirk.

Cold fear sliced through me like a razor. Something in her look, her tone...she knows. How could she? I close my eyes as the realization sets in. No, no, no, no. This was not supposed to happen. I was the only one who was supposed to remember. Just me. My burden. Damn it! I've done it again when I was trying to spare her I cursed her with the memories. I shudder and struggle to fight back the mixture of emotion that assaults my insides. Her anger is radiating off of her in waves, the heat hitting me in blasts. My mind is reeling, struggling to grasp the implications of this turn. I sense movement to my right and open my eyes to see him, standing beside her as she seethes at me, offering to walk her home. Is he kidding? I review my options in the instant it takes for her to turn to face him and I speak.

"I couldn't let you die." That did it. She forgets about him as her body snaps back to face me.

"It wasn't your choice." She says flatly.

"Yes it was. You can't expect me to accept your death if there was any possibility that I could change things."

"You shouldn't have done it without discussing it with me...I have a say in this Angel. You can't keep making choices for me." Her tone had softened from the furious edge it had possessed a few minutes earlier. "You shouldn’t have sacrificed your life to save mine. I can't ask that of you."

"You don't have to."

She doesn't respond, she just stands there looking at me with those gorgeous hazel eyes of hers weighing my words carefully. I watch as her hand absentmindedly travels up to her neck. I watch as her fingertips locate the spot. Two slightly raised scars, the remnants of the puncture wounds that once were there. A permanent reminder of the time she sacrificed her life for my own. My mark on her body her blood in my veins. She drops her hand the realization setting in.

"Still, you should have told me." She is softer now.

"You would have stopped me." I approach her again.

"Maybe it was for the best." She looks down as she states it.

"No, I won't accept that. Don't you ever think that. Don't you know what you mean to me? What you are to me? Buffy, I don’t know why it happened but it did, and I did what I thought was the right thing. I'm sorry it hurt you, but I would rather die every day for the rest of eternity knowing you were alive and safe than face death at the end of a normal lifetime without you in it.”

“Angel, what you gave up, it’s too much…I don’t deserve…” I stopped her. I put my finger to her lips and silenced her.

“Don’t. It’s not true. You deserve everything. I told you that before. You deserve so much Buffy, so much that I could never give you and…”

“And you walked away.” She stated sadly, her gaze falling from mine.

“I was wrong.”

No sooner do the words leave my lips than she is looking up at me, a confused look on her beautiful face.

“You what?”

“I was wrong. I see that now. Together we are strong, apart we are…”

“Miserable.” She finished my thought, searching my face for some sign as to what I was really saying.

“Buffy I did not come here to hurt you, I came to apologize. I’m sorry, for everything. Walking away from you was the most difficult thing I have ever faced until that day. Losing you again…it’s not a mistake I’m anxious to repeat.”

“Angel?”

“I came here to give you the choice, the one that should have been yours all along. I cannot change the past but I am here to offer you my future. It’s in your hands, whatever you decide I will respect. If you tell me to leave and never come back I will. I love you. I never realized just how truly I did until that day when I woke up with you in my arms, as it should have been so long ago.”

“No.”

Her response stopped me cold. If I had breath in my body I would have been holding it in that moment. The time between the second she uttered that word and the instant she continued seemed to last a lifetime. Everything else receded into darkness and it was just she and I.

“No. I can’t do it.” I could swear my heart skipped a beat. Was this actually happening? It took every ounce of control within me to keep still and silent while she finished.

“It’s not my decision to make.” She stopped me as I went to protest. “It’s our decision. I can’t speak for you Angel. It has to be your choice as well.”

I watched as she smiled up at me knowing she had won. I felt the tension that had threatened to consume me start to fade.

“Buffy, I choose you. It’s always been you. I…”

I didn’t get the chance to finish. Was I ever going to get the chance to complete an actual sentence again? I’m not really complaining. I didn’t get to finish my thought because she reached up and pulled me down into a kiss that made my knees go weak. I may never have to speak again.

I looked down at her, my entire body overflowing with my love for her. She smiled up at me as she wrapped her arms my neck and whispered, “I choose you my love.”

I could have danced forever at the sound of those five words. I pulled her into my body and held her there for a while. Not wanting this moment to end. She pulled back a little and looked up at me with a question on her face.

“Yes, Beloved?”

“Am I ever going to get my ring back?” So she knew. Not only had she found the true meaning of the Claddagh that I had given her, she knew I kept it when I found it in the mansion that day.

I laughed at the insistence in her voice and let go of her only long enough to remove a chain from around my neck and return the ring it held to its rightful place on her hand. She held it up next to my own, that I had never removed, and sighed happily.

“It is as it should be.”

We were interrupted by the sound of someone clearing his throat. It was him. Who was this guy anyway?

Buffy turned in his direction and a look of shock passed over her features. I think that she had forgotten that he was still there as well.

I quickly glanced in the direction of the bench where Spike had been sitting and found it vacant. He bores easily and must have retreated in search of other pleasures when he saw that Buffy and I would not be fighting to the death tonight.

“Riley? I uh…I didn’t realize you were still there.”

I turned back to watch the scene unfold between my lover and this guy.

“I’ve been here the entire time Buffy.” Not a good tone there.

“Er, so I guess you’re wondering…”

“I think that’s the understatement of the century. What just happened here? I thought we were going to get to know each other. In case you don’t remember we were on a date. I know for a fact you said you weren’t involved with anyone…so who is this guy?”

“I know. I’m sorry Riley. I wasn’t then I mean…argh it’s hard to explain. It’s really very complicated.”

“No, I don’t see where it is. Either this guy is your boyfriend or he’s not. See how simple that is?” He crossed his arms waiting for her to answer.

“He’s not my boyfriend Riley.” Poor schmuck actually perked up at her answer.

“He’s not??”

“He’s my husband.”

I cannot explain to you the look that hit that poor kid’s face in that instant. He did not say another word. His mouth opened but no sound came out. He took one last look at us and retreated back into the night. Honestly, I felt bad for the guy, only for a second though.

Buffy turned back to face me with a grin on her face.

“What are you thinking?” I asked her as she wrapped her arms around me.

“That I’ve never been happier in my entire life than I am at this moment.”

“That’s a good answer.” I kissed the top of her head as she snuggled into me.

“And that tomorrow I’m going to get Willow started on locating a permanent soul binding spell.”