Web hosting Custom Email SiteBuilder

Angels of Past Silences

“Waiting for you All my sins... I said that I would pay for them if I could come back to you All my innocence is wasted on the dead and dreaming

Every night these silhouettes appear above my head Little angels of the silences that climb into my bed and whisper Every time I fall asleep Every time I dream Did you come? Would you lie? Why'd you leave us 'till we're only good for...

Waiting for you All my sins... I said that I would pay for them if I could come back to you All my innocence is wasted on the dead and dreaming”

- “Angels of the Silences” Counting Crows

*************

June 2004

Anne Donnelly poked her head into the living room and smiled when her eyes landed on the little dark-haired girl curled up in a ball on the floor sound asleep on her favorite blanket. Satisfied that all was well she headed back to the kitchen to continue preparing for their outing that afternoon: a picnic in the park as promised.

She grinned to herself as she remembered her little girl’s excitement when she had agreed to the three year old’s insistent proposition.

“Shit!” She dropped the knife she had been slicing watermelon with and ran to the sink to run some water over the cut in her left index finger that was quickly oozing blood. < Nice going Buffy.> She snugly wrapped a paper towel around the cut and dug underneath the sink for the first aid kit that was housed there.

As she sat down at the kitchen table to patch her wound she laughed at herself. < Funny how I still refer to myself as Buffy, even though I haven’t been called that by anyone in years.> She grinned as she tightened the Scooby-Doo band-aid around her finger. < Guess in my heart I still know who I am.> She was drawn from her reverie by a cry from the other room.

“Mama where are you?”

“Coming Kitty Kat!” She answered her child as she stood and quickly made her way into the living room.

An hour later found them feeding breadcrumbs to the ducks down by the river and giggling through a quickly won game of hide and seek.

Buffy collapsed tiredly down on their blanket completely ready for a nap but the little one was still full of energy and tugged relentlessly at her mother’s arm in an unsuccessful attempt to get her to play on the swings.

“Please Mommy!”

“No sweetie, not now maybe in a little while. Mommy is tired.”

“Aww!” She let go of her mother’s arm and crossed her own in front of her indignantly while putting on her best ‘pouty face’ complete with protruding bottom lip which only served to elicit tired giggles from her mother who was still laying on the blanket.

“Aw, now why you wanna go and get all ‘sad face’ on me. You know what? Maybe I wouldn’t be so tired if I could get a big bear hug from my little Kitty Kat, do you think that would help?” Buffy pretended to seriously consider her proposition while she watched her daughter try and maintain her quickly crumbling resolve. She knew it was only a matter of time before she relented and came bounding at her a mass of dark curls and laughter.

“So here’s where my two best girls have been hiding out. I thought you were lost for good.”

“Uncle Jackson!” The three year old forgot her charade and leapt happily into the waiting arms that grabbed her tightly.

Buffy smiled and stood to greet the man who now swung her deliriously giggling daughter in high circles around his body.

“Hey Jacks, so you managed to pry yourself from the library during the daylight for once. You sure your GPA isn’t going to plummet from all this slacking off?” She grinned and playfully punched him in the arm.

“Always the funny one Annabelle. It is summer break and even med students get some time off now and then. Isn’t that right Buttercup?” He asked and grinned at the little girl in his arms as she nodded her head insistently in answer, completely oblivious to the actual topic of conversation.

“Ah, see that would be the NORMAL medical students. You know the ones who don’t take on research projects and extra internships in their free time. And don’t call me Annabelle – you know I hate it!”

“Ow!” He rubbed the sore spot on his left arm where she punched him again, although a little more forcefully this time. “Okay, okay you win ANNE! So, what was the little terror trying to convince you to do this time? Swimming with the ducks or…”

“Swings!” The little voice interrupted the conversation.

“Katharine Donnelly now you know better than that! Uncle Jacks was talking. Say you’re sorry and let him finish his sentence.” Buffy waited for her daughter to comply.

“Sorry.” It came out in a hurried whisper but it was enough. Every small victory was a cherished one when your child was as stubborn as this one.

The adults laughed in spite of themselves and Jackson continued.

“So the swings was it?? Well, I just happen to know that there are two little kids already on the swing set who would be delighted to see Miss Katharine join them.”

“Who?” Katharine was definitely interested in this part of the conversation.

“Oh I don’t know, I thought I saw Colby and Ashley over there just a minute ago.”

“Oh let’s go, let’s go! Mommy can I go swing with Colby and Ashley pleeeeease!” Katharine earnestly tugged at her mother’s shorts.

“I don’t know Kitty Kat, Mommy’s still really tired, I…” Buffy stopped as her little girl leapt up to give her a hug. She leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. “I think that we could go swing for a while. But just a little while. It’ll be time to eat soon.”

“Yay!” Katharine jumped up and down with delight.

“You know Shelby and Chris are over there with the twins already, and I know they wouldn’t mind if Katie joined them. I could walk her over there and let you stay here and rest.” Jackson offered .

“Oh you are a Godsend. Thank you! She has been wearing me out all day.” Buffy laughed and sank back down on the blanket to wave as her daughter pulled Jackson relentlessly in the direction of the playgrounds.

Alone with her thoughts she found that napping was out of the question. She sat up and dug furiously through one of their bags in search of the novel she had thrown in as an afterthought. She found the elusive book and pulled it out in triumph when a voice floated across the afternoon air and stopped her cold.

“Buffy? Buffy is that you?”

Buffy turned her head and met the shocked and disbelieving gaze of her dearest friend.

“Willow!” Buffy answered in spite of herself and was up off the ground and nearly suffocating her friend in rib crushing hug before she could give it a second thought.

“Buffy! I can’t believe it! I…I mean we…uh, we thought you were dead but now you’re here and alive and oh my God Buffy I’ve missed you!” Willow stammered nervously and hugged her long lost best friend again not daring to believe this could actually be happening. She was sure she was dreaming. This couldn’t be real. But then it had to be real because she knew she would never have dreamed Buffy like this, so much thinner and with long dark brown hair. So dark it was almost black. It stood out against her skin and made her hazel eyes sparkle bright green. She was lovely and Willow couldn’t believe she was actually standing there. Alive and well.

Willow released her grasp on her friend and waited for her to speak, to explain, anything to kill the anticipation that was eating the redhead alive on the inside.

“I can’t believe it’s you Will! What are you doing here? Sit down! You have to stay and have lunch with us!” Before Willow could open her mouth Buffy had yanked her down onto the blanket beside her and was busily removing food from a cooler and arranging it in a spread in front of them. Willow was still in complete shock over this unexpected turn of events and her mind was reeling with questions so she simply sat there and watched in utter disbelief as Buffy, a living breathing Buffy, completed her task.

For her part Buffy was trying desperately to stall. She was more than overjoyed at this unexpected meeting with her best friend but none too anxious to rehash the last five years and risk the anger that she knew would inevitably surface as she answered all the questions she could feel swirling in the air between them. She quickly ran out of tasks to keep her hands busy and could see Willow watching her expectantly. Buffy sucked in a deep breath and turned to face her friend.

“So…” She hesitated. Where to begin? A lifetime had passed between them both since they last saw each other and Buffy knew it wasn’t going to be easy to mend the bridges she burned when she left.

When she ran.

“So.” Willow said shyly, equally as nervous as Buffy. The two women sat and regarded each other sheepishly both fully aware of the irony of the moment. Best friends without a word to say to each other. The tense silence between them was abruptly shattered in the wake of an exuberant three-year-old girl who bounded onto the blanket and into Buffy’s lap too wrapped up in her excitement to even notice the stranger seated next to her mother.

“Mama I did it! I swung all by myself on the big kid’s swing with no one holding onto me!” She clapped her hands in excitement and waited for her mother’s reaction.

“You did not!” Buffy squeezed her daughter tightly.

“She did so. All by herself and for a good three minutes before she got a little shaky.” Jackson added as he reached the blanket out of breath. “You know you sure are a fast one Buttercup.” He grinned in between gasps for air and sank down onto the blanket in front of Buffy. Katharine turned and ran to hug Jackson as Buffy snuck a peek over at Willow’s face uncertain as to what her reaction to all this would be.

Willow was watching Katharine and Jackson intently a look of complete disbelief covering her face. Buffy thought that a feather could knock her over based on the stunned stare on the redhead’s face. Too much, too fast. Willow’s face softened and she grinned as Katharine began to relentlessly tickle Jackson and turned back towards Buffy. Her friend met her gaze with a look comprised partly of apprehension and partly of love. Willow knew what she was thinking and smiled reassuringly at her oldest friend.

“She’s beautiful Buffy. How old is she?” Willow leaned over and whispered.

Buffy’s features visibly relaxed at Willow’s comment and a bright smile replaced her worried frown as she answered.

“She’s three. She’ll be four in August.” Buffy’s gaze returned to her daughter and Willow did the same. Intently studying the girl’s features.

She had long dark brown hair, almost black, that fell well past her shoulders and ended in fat curls. She was fair complected, much paler than her mother, ivory fair was what kept coming to Willow’s mind. But by far the most striking feature of the child was her eyes. They were emerald green and sparkled with mischievousness. Definitely shaped like her mother’s but much deeper green. She was a stunning child.

Willow moved her attention from the little girl to the man who was playing with her. He was tall, definitely over six feet, and broad shouldered. His body reminded her of a certain someone but that was where the similarities ceased. He had golden blond hair cut short and bright blue eyes and not to mention the perfect tan and the cutest dimples. Willow smiled to herself as the thought occurred to her. She felt like a teenager checking out boys at the mall. She wondered who this man was to Buffy. She hadn’t seen a wedding ring on either of their hands and he definitely did not resemble Buffy’s daughter in any way though there was definitely a closeness between them. She turned her attention back to her friend as a thought suddenly occurred to her.

“Buffy, if she’s about to be four then that means that…” but Buffy cut her off before she could complete her thought.

“Not now Will okay? I promise we’ll talk about it later just not now.” Buffy’s voice was quiet and pleading with her friend to understand and let it go for the moment. Willow shook her head in affirmation that it could wait and they turned to face Jackson as he spoke.

“So who’s the pretty lady who has graced us with her presence this afternoon?” He stated looking questioningly at Willow.

“Jacks, this is Willow Rosenberg my dearest friend in the entire world, and probably beyond.” Buffy laughed as she continued. “Willow this is Jackson Matthews medical student by day and by night.” She stuck her tongue out at him when he protested and he threw a grape at her.

“It’s nice to meet you Willow.” Jackson offered his hand to her and shook it in kind.

“And you Jackson.”

“Mommy I’m hungry.” Katharine tugged at her mother’s arm in protest.

“Well I guess that all this food won’t go to waste then will it?” Buffy smiled down at her little girl. “Now let’s see, what did Katie bring for lunch? I know you had the tuna fish right?” She laughed as Katharine scrunched up her nose in disgust.

“No Mommy! I had the peanut butter! Remember?”

“Peanut butter? No that can’t possibly be right. Jackson, did you pack the bologna for Katie?”

“Bologna? Oh yes, Miss Katie loves her bologna.” Jackson played along with their usual game.

“Yuck! No, not baloney!! PEANUT BUTTER!”

“Peanut butter?” Jackson and Buffy stated in unison.

“Oh we don’t have that. All I have is this yucky old peanut butter and peaches and that couldn’t be for you, could it.”

“Yes Mommy.” Katharine stood with her hand on her hip, though she knew this game as well as them all. “That is for me. Peanut butter and peaches with no crust!”

“Well then this must be yours.” Buffy relinquished the sandwich into her daughter’s eager hands.

“Thank you Mommy.”

“Your welcome Kitty Kat.” Buffy handed her daughter a cup of juice and passed a coke over to Willow.

“I know it’s a weird combination but it’s her favorite. Jackson says it’s my fault. It was one of my cravings when I was pregnant with her. Peanut butter and peaches. I couldn’t believe she would eat it, but she loves it. Are you hungry Will? There’s more than enough. I packed for an army it seems. Speaking of armies, where are Shelby and Chris and the twins?” Buffy turned toward Jackson as she dug through a bag for the fruit.

“Oh, Chris was paged into the ER and Shelby had promised mom that she could have the twins for the rest of the weekend, but she made me promise to tell you that movie night is still on, even if she has to bribe me to be the babysitter.” Jackson explained and Buffy grinned as she bit into an apple.

“Well, as long as they knew they were invited to this feast then I guess you’re forgiven.”

Willow ate her sandwich in silence, deftly observing the exchange taking place between the two. She had hoped to remain unnoticed, still feeling awkward, out of place and more than a little overwhelmed, but it was not to be for Jackson seemed to remember her presence and turned his attention towards her.

“Willow, you have been awfully quiet. What you brings you to our happy picnic?” Jackson smiled warmly at her as he bit into his sandwich.

“Well, I uh…well I am here looking for an apartment. I start graduate school at Harvard in the fall and…”

“Really?” Buffy squealed, “Oh Will this is great, we’ll be in the same city!” Willow smiled in response to her friend’s enthusiasm and nervously fidgeted with the rings on her hand.

“What are you going to be studying?” Jackson kept the conversation rolling.

“Social history. Medieval and women’s history more specifically.”

“Wow, heavy topics. Where did you do your undergraduate work?”

“Uh, U.C. Sunnydale.” Willow was uncomfortable being the center of attention but stuttered on.

“U.C. Sunnydale? I’ve never heard of it.” Jackson answered.

“Really? I mean Buffy went there for almost a semester and…” She stopped as Buffy’s eyes widened and she shook her head in warning at her friend. “What is it Buffy? Didn’t you tell him that…”

“Buffy?” Jackson looked over at her the confusion evident on his face. “Why does she keep calling you Buffy?”

“It’s a childhood nickname that everyone used to call me.” Buffy stated matter of factly telling Willow with her look not to say anything else.

“I like Anne better. ANNABELLE.” He grinned as he said the last word knowing it would set her off. Buffy frowned in mock protest at the name she hated and turned back to her friend.

“Did you just graduate Will?”

“No, last year. I took a year off before starting graduate school. I mean, we took a year off actually.” She shyly held out her left hand for Buffy to see. Buffy gasped and grabbed her friend’s hand in delight.

“Oh my God Willow! Congratulations! When did it happen?” Buffy studied the diamond ring intently and looked up at her friend. “And who is the lucky person?” Buffy waited as Willow hesitated, not wanting to bring up the past with her friend.

“It’s Oz actually.” Willow couldn’t help but smile when she said his name. “He asked me on graduation night and we’ve spent the past year traveling with the band. They are gaining quite a following among the college set. So I spent the year on the road with them and will start graduate school here in the fall and Oz will join me then. We haven’t set a date yet, things have been too hectic lately.”

“Oz? How did it happen Will? When did he…”

“Come back?” Willow answered and smiled at her friend. “Junior year. He’d done a lot of soul-searching and said he realized that it didn’t matter what all the reasons were that we should be apart, because as long as we were together there was nothing we couldn’t get through.” Willow stopped as she saw a single tear make its way down Buffy’s cheek. Buffy looked away and quickly wiped it off. Willow snuck a glance over at Jackson and if he noticed he didn’t show it.

“Oh Willow. I’m so happy for you!” Buffy smiled earnestly at her friend. “Where are you staying in town?”

“The Hyatt. I just got into town this morning and was wandering around trying to get a feel for everything.”

“Nonsense. You are staying with us. I insist. I can help you search for a place and you can spend some time with Katharine. Please don’t say no Will…please!”

Willow smiled at her friend’s insistence and relented to her demands once Katharine joined in the chorus.

“Okay. I give up. I will stay with you.”

“Yay! Now, who are you?” Katharine asked, studying Willow’s face intently as she laughed at the insistent little girl.

“I am Willow. I am a friend of your mommy’s.” Willow answered.

Katharine turned to check with her mother on the answer and Buffy nodded her agreement with Willow’s statement. Satisfied that she was telling the truth, Katharine stuck out her right hand and introduced herself.

“I’m Katharine Angel Summers Donnelly, it’s nice to meet you Willow.”

“That certainly is a long name Katharine. You must be awfully important to have such a long name.”

“That’s what mommy always says!” Katharine giggled.

“You know Katie, Willow isn’t really just my friend.” Buffy stated watching her little girl’s eyes go wide.

“She isn’t?”

“Nope. She’s also your Aunt Willow.” Buffy finished.

“She is!” Katharine eagerly turned to study Willow’s expression and leapt with joy into her open arms when she nodded her indication that it was the truth.

Buffy’s heart swelled at the sight of her dearest friend and her daughter laughing and talking. She smiled over at them and sighed. She had so dreaded the collision of her past with her present fearing that all she had worked to build up would unravel and crumble like dust in the aftermath.

“I have an appointment with Dr. Reynolds in a little over an hour to go over some bacterial stains but if you lovely ladies would allow me the honor I could swing us all by the Hyatt to gather Willow’s things and deposit you three at the house.”

“Oh that would be great! So much easier than having to hold onto both Katie and luggage on the train!” Buffy answered and they quickly packed up the remnants of the picnic and piled into Jackson’s car.

An hour later Jackson honked and waved as he pulled away from the curb in front of the townhouse where Buffy lived. All three waved back and set about moving Willow’s things inside.

“You can stay in Katie’s room, she never sleeps in here anyway and you should have plenty of room since it has a full-size bed, that is if you don’t mind all the toys which someone was supposed to pick up before she went on the picnic this afternoon.” Buffy glanced knowingly over at her daughter who hid behind Willow.

“I don’t know Buffy. I don’t want to be any trouble…I could just stay on the couch.” Willow offered, uncomfortable to be given Buffy’s child’s room.

“Nonsense Will, I’m serious she has never slept in this bed. She always ends up with me. She doesn’t even nap in here, she usually passes out on the floor or wherever she happens to be when her batteries finally run down.”

“Oh yes Aunt Willow, please sleep in my bed! It will be fun!” Katharine stated insistently and Willow found that she was powerless to resist. She nodded her acceptance and Katharine happily disappeared in search of something terribly important to show her new Aunt.

Willow quickly deposited her things in the room and made her way back down the stairs to the kitchen where she found Buffy putting away the remains of the picnic.

“Can I help?” Willow offered.

“Actually, I’m just about finished. And I put on some tea, take a seat and I’ll join you in a sec.” Buffy disappeared into the pantry and Willow grudgingly sat at the kitchen table.

A few moments later Buffy returned and sat nervously across from her friend. The silence hung between them awkwardly and was only broken by the whistle of the teapot on the stove. Buffy stood to retrieve it and the tea tray and was silently glad for the interruption. She just didn’t know what to say to her best friend. She had caused her and everyone she ever loved so much pain, she knew they deserved an explanation, it was just their reaction to it that frightened her the most and always kept her from picking up the phone and letting them know she was alright.

She sat the porcelain tea service between her and Willow and busied herself preparing their cups. She could see out of the corner of her eye that Willow was just as unnerved by the situation as she was, a fact that offered her surprisingly little comfort.

She set the cups down and hesitantly met her friend’s gaze. Willow offered a thin smile in response and Buffy relaxed a hair.

“Mama?” Katharine’s voice traveled down the stairs.

“In the kitchen Kitty Kat.” Buffy answered.

In a flash Katharine was in the room and in Buffy’s lap whispering in her ear.

“I don’t know honey, why don’t you ask Willow yourself?”

Katharine regarded her mother’s expression for a moment and then turned and walked over to stand next to Willow.

“Aunt Willow?”

“Yes Katharine?”

“Would you like to see my drawings?” Katharine asked expectantly.

“You do drawings?”

“Uh-huh. Mommy says they are really good too.”

“I bet that they are if your Mommy says so. I would love to see them, will you show me?”

Before she knew what hit her, she was being dragged through the kitchen and up the stairs into a small room covered completely in pictures. Buffy appeared behind them in the doorway a few moments after, watching in amusement as her daughter paraded her treasures for her aunt.

“And this one is of my puppy. His name was Spike. He died though. Mommy said that he got hit by a car. Mean old car.” Katharine rambled on as she dug around for another picture while Willow turned to Buffy.

“Spike?” Willow asked eyebrow raised.

Buffy shrugged. “He was a demon dog. Jackson gave him to her last year. Rotten thing. The name fit him perfectly.”

“And this one is of me and my Mommy. I drew it in Miss Franklin’s class. She was my teacher and Mommy says that next year I will have a new teacher, but I don’t think so because I love Miss Franklin.”

“She’s in preschool two days a week.” Buffy added seeing the confused look on her friend’s face.

“And this one is me, my Mommy and my Daddy.” Willow looked at the picture and then at Buffy who looked away. Katharine continued chattering on, oblivious to the loaded glances being exchanged between the two women.

“You won’t get to meet my Daddy though. Mommy says he had to go away because he loved us so much. Mommy said that he had to go protect us. He never got to meet me but Mommy says he loves me very much. Oh and this picture is of me and Ashley and Colby. They are my bestest friends.”

Once Katharine had showed Willow every drawing in her collection, Buffy suggested, as only a mother can, that she snuggle down and watch Animal Planet and let her and Aunt Willow talk in the kitchen.

Buffy positioned herself at the table so that she could see her daughter in the living room and Willow sat at angle across from her careful not to block her view.

“She watches Animal Planet?” Willow asked.

“Yeah, anything but cartoons. She hates them. She can see right through them and they bore her. I had to learn that one the hard way. At least she doesn’t like Barney either. I swear she’d watch the History channel 24 hours a day if I’d let her, but Animal Planet is the safest. Though don’t get her started on the ‘Crocodile Hunter.’”

“Wow, she’s three and already she’s more intelligent than Xander.” Willow laughed and then stopped as she noticed the hurt look that passed across Buffy’s face.

“Willow I’m so glad to see you.” Buffy said quietly as she stared down at her hands.

“Me too Buff, me too. I still can’t believe that I’m actually sitting here with you and you’re alive and…how are you Buffy?” Willow asked quietly.

“Great.” Though both of them knew it wasn’t the truth.

“Buffy, can I…I mean is it okay to ask, you know, about stuff?” Willow fumbled for the right words to say, wishing she wasn’t so unprepared for this…all of this.

“Of course you can. You can ask me anything Will, although I think that if I just start from the beginning it will make more sense and maybe answer most of your questions as well. Would that be okay with you?”

Willow nodded silently in agreement and Buffy took a deep breath and let it out slowly before starting the story she’d told herself so many times in her head. Never believing that she’d actually get the chance to say it to another person.

“I know it sounds clichéd but it’s a long story and I guess the best place to begin is back in freshman year during that first semester. Remember when I returned from confronting Angel in L.A. about coming back to Sunnydale uninvited over Thanksgiving and I got really sick about three weeks later. I stayed in bed for days and could barely move without throwing up and you and everyone were worried sick about me and then that last night I passed out cold and you were so afraid I’d caught mono or something that you had Giles take me to the ER where they did all those tests to check for mono and the flu and everything.” Buffy paused in her nervous babbling as Willow nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, I went with you and waited outside with everyone and they took you into that room and wouldn’t let anyone in, not even your mom.” Willow added shuddering at the memory.

“Yeah well there was a reason for that. Turns out I didn’t have mono Will, and I didn’t have the flu either. The doctor sat me down and told me straight out that I was pregnant. About one month pregnant to be exact, and since I was over eighteen he didn’t have to tell anyone but me, it would be my choice who I shared the news with. He said that my body was reacting badly to the pregnancy and he didn’t think that the baby would survive much longer. He tried to talk me into aborting it right then and there, telling me that I put my life in danger should I decide to try and carry this child to term. Can you believe it? I mean here I am a scared out of mind and not to mention sick eighteen year old girl and he’s trying to convince me to kill my child ten seconds after he told me I was having one. I told him that I would think about it and he left. And for a while I just sat there in shock. I mean pregnant? I thought for sure he must be wrong but somewhere inside of me! I knew he was right, the only problem was the timing. He said I was one month pregnant, and I hadn’t slept with anyone since that ill-fated time with Parker and that was a good deal longer than a month. I just sat there going over and over the possibilities in my head and nothing fit. I felt like I was losing my mind. For a brief moment there I thought that maybe this was a Hellmouth related pregnancy, but it just didn’t feel right and I figured that the doctors would have picked up on anything…non-human. So that left me back at square one. Pregnant and fatherless. So I made a decision right there. I promised my child that if she would hang in there and get stronger that I would fight for her and protect her no matter what it meant I had to do. And as soon I as I did it I knew it was the right thing to do. Don’t get me wrong Will I was scared out of my mind. I didn’t know what to tell you guys, I knew that the truth was too confusing and not to mention the littl! e fact that I had no idea what the truth was. So I just decided to wait and not tell anyone at first. I changed back into my clothes and told you guys that I was okay, that it was just a viral infection, possibly the flu and that I had let myself get dehydrated that was all. I hated lying to you Will but I didn’t see any other way and the longer I went without telling you the harder it became to do so. As my body started to adjust to the baby I realized that she wasn’t safe in Sunnydale. I couldn’t be pregnant AND the Slayer, even if you guys pitched in to take over the patrolling for me, which I know you would have done, it still wouldn’t change the fact that every baddie within a hundred miles would be gunning for the Slayer and her child and I couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t ask you guys to give up your lives to take on my burdens. So I made up my mind right before winter break that first semester. The Hellmouth was no place to raise a child, especially for the Slaye! r. I had to leave. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that I could run from being the Slayer, I had already tried that, twice, and it never worked out. But what I could do was put some distance between me and the demon community that knew me. I could stay out of the graveyards and the sewers and stay inside at night and hope that it was enough. So I did it. When you left for your last final that Wednesday morning I pretended to be asleep and when I was sure that you weren’t going to be coming back for anything I stuffed some things in a bag and I took off. I left and I didn’t look back.”

Buffy paused and looked down at the table, ashamed at the pain that she knew her actions had caused her friend and afraid to look her in the eye.

“You should have told me.” Willow said quietly, her voice not betraying her feelings.

Buffy glanced up at her friend and saw that tears were steadily streaming down her face. Buffy reached across the table and grabbed Willow’s hand.

“I would have understood.” Willow continued though she gripped Buffy’s hand in return.

“I know you would have Wills and I know you would have done everything in your power to help me and to try and protect Katharine but I couldn’t ask that of you. Don’t you see? It was too much.”

“You didn’t even say goodbye, not even a note. Not to anyone. Not even your mom.” Willow’s voice had dropped to a whisper as if by barely saying the words it made them less true, less painful.

It was Buffy’s turn to cry. “I know. I couldn’t. I knew that if I left a note you would know that I had left and that you would try and find me, but if I just disappeared with no notice you would look for me and then Giles would search the Codex or some other ancient book and you would eventually just think I had been killed by some demon. I know it was cruel and it tore me up every moment I was away but I had to keep going for her sake I had to get away.”

“We did look for you, for weeks and weeks.” Willow’s voice was small as she spoke. “Giles sent out search parties and even contacted the Watcher’s Council who confirmed that you hadn’t died, which wasn’t nearly as comforting as you would think considering that meant that you were still out there somewhere. Xander lost it and tried to stake Spike, convinced that he had finally done you in. You mother was inconsolable. She blamed your father for everything and even then he came to Sunnydale and helped with the search though he was suitably at a loss for what was actually going on. Giles practically had the entire town searching for you at that point. The worst part was when Cordelia, Doyle and Angel arrived. They had been searching L.A. for weeks and found no trace of you, by that time we had narrowed the search back to Sunnydale since that was the last place anyone saw you and started over thinking that we had missed something somehow. Angel was a wreck. Cordy said ! he hadn’t slept or fed since you disappeared, he looked so old. Spike had to hold him down while we force fed him so he wouldn’t die. He didn’t speak to anyone after that but he fed at least once a day from then on and everyone just left him alone. I don’t know how he managed but he never rested, just kept searching non-stop, even during the day. Spike had to keep him from running out into the sun from the sewers more than once when he swore that he could smell you on the street. I’ve never seen anyone react the way he did when the search was finally called off. He just lost it. He kept insisting that you weren’t dead, that you were still out there, that he could feel it. Everyone left, everyone except the small group of us who knew you best. We never stopped searching Buffy. Everyday I would walk to class and search the crowd for your face. All of us did it whether we realized it or not. Angel stayed on in Sunnydale for a while, he and Spike never ceased activel! y searching for you. Combing the demon community for news of the Slayer and finding nothing. They even put Willie in a coma once but it didn’t do any good. It was like we were all in suspended animation, constantly doing the same thing over and over each day in slow motion, that is until the day the new Slayer showed up.”

Willow stopped as her voice cracked with emotion and she had to struggle to regain her composure to continue.

“It was about eight months after you left that she showed up and we knew you had died. Giles checked and Faith was still very much alive and very much in prison. I hated that day more than any other. It destroyed us all. Seeing that girl show up and announce that she was the Chosen One was like pouring salt into an already raw wound. Worse still was when the Council practically rolled over trying to coax Giles into agreeing to be reinstated and becoming her Watcher but he would have none of it. He flat out refused and we were all terrible to that girl. The Council had to send in another Watcher all the way from Britain to help her as none of us would and Angel…”

Willow hesitated, partly to block out the memories that were surfacing and partly in fear of saying what came next.

“When he and Spike came back from searching that night and she showed up…he lost it Buffy. He tried to kill her. Spike and Giles had to pull him off her and she nearly staked him in the process.”

Willow looked away as she said the last sentence and heard Buffy’s choked sobs in response.

“After that he left town and never came back. Cordy and Doyle left shortly there after and we all sort of went our own ways. Giles was the first to go. He couldn’t take the memories and having to be in the same town with the new Slayer and her Watcher was too much to bear. He packed up everything, shut down the magic shop and moved to the Seattle area where he teaches a class in Demonology and Myths. Your mom was next. She never really recovered from your disappearance and your death was the last straw, well, she put the house on the market and moved back to L.A. with your father. They got back together Buffy. It was weird at first when Cordy told us but they seemed to be happier that way so who were we to judge? Xander stayed in Sunnydale until my Junior year when Oz came back and I know he felt left out again but I was so happy to have someone who hadn’t been there when you were missing, who didn’t have the same suffocating memories constantly eating away at them ! on the inside. Oz came back and Xander left. He travels a lot, doing odd jobs here and there. Last letter I received from him was before graduation. He was in Colorado and was considering settling down. And well, you know about me. I graduated, got engaged, and am starting graduate school in the fall.”

Willow fell silent and looked up at Buffy who was covering her face with her hands as she cried, her body shaking violently with each sob that broke free from her throat.

“Oh God Will, I’m sorry, so sorry…I couldn’t, I just couldn’t stay. I couldn’t.” She broke back into to tears and was surprised when she felt Willow’s arms around her and heard her friend crying too.

“Shh…Buffy. It’s in the past. I didn’t understand then, I’m still not sure I completely understand everything now but I know that whatever you did you had your reasons and you’re alive! My best friend is alive and here with me! Please, it’s okay. It’s okay if you don’t want to finish telling me what happened.”

Willow stroked Buffy’s hair and tried to calm her down. There was still a lot of information that she was missing and a lot that just didn’t add up. It was a good while before Buffy was able to compose herself enough to speak. She smiled gratefully up at her friend and excused herself for a second to check on Katharine in the living room. Satisfied that she was alright she returned to her seat to face her friend and finish the story she had started. She at least owed her an explanation and really so much more than that.

“After I left Sunnydale I kept moving everyday until I was out of California. I slowed down then but only by a little. Instead of staying in each place one night, I would stay two or maybe three at the most but that was it. I didn’t want to take the chance that someone or something would recognize me and I just figured if I kept moving then I would be safe. It worked well for a while, I traveled mostly by bus, but as the baby grew it became harder and harder to blend in. I had made it all the way to the east coast by the time I was over eight months along and had to stop. I was too huge and too tired to keep moving. I got off the bus in Boston not knowing anyone and not having anywhere to go. I just walked around parts of the city for a while and stopped for some food in the late afternoon as I was starving. I needed to find some place to stay and soon as I didn’t want to be out at night almost nine months pregnant and alone in an unfamiliar city. Worse still I was! running out of money. I had existed on next to nothing but had still managed to blow through most of my savings. I walked into this diner and promptly passed out as pain ripped through my body and Katharine decided it was time to make her debut. The next thing that I remember is waking up in the hospital in serious pain and surrounded by more medical personnel than they have in the entire hospital in Sunnydale. I wasn’t in labor very long, according to the doctor it was more like forty-five minutes but you could have fooled me, it felt like an eternity on my end. Katharine was born without incident and she was completely healthy. The problem was with me. I apparently had lost a lot of blood between my little scene in the coffee shop and my regaining consciousness in the hospital so when Katharine was born my body went into shock and my heart stopped. I died. For a good five minutes I was gone. And that’s not the most unbelievable part. It was what happened while ! I was gone. I saw it Will. I saw the day that Katharine was conceived. I relived the entire day right there. It wasn’t like I was watching it. I was there. I couldn’t believe it. At first I didn’t understand, I didn’t know what was going on until the end. Until I clung to him crying and swearing I would never forget and then ten seconds later I turned right around and walked away. I wasn’t supposed to know. It wasn’t supposed to have happened. Katharine should never have existed. They were supposed to erase the entire day and they didn’t and she survived. My child is a miracle.”

Buffy broke down sobbing at that point. She knew that she wasn’t making any sense but this was the first time that she had told anyone about that day and talking about just caused the memories to come flooding back. Willow was back at her side in an instant.

“Shh. Buffy it’s okay. I’m here for you. Shh.” Willow wasn’t sure what Buffy was talking about but she knew enough to let her get to it in her own time.

“I’m sorry Willow.” Buffy said quietly. “I’ve never told this to anyone and it’s hard…so hard to let it all come to the surface, to let go of all the things I kept locked away for so long. I’m sorry. I’ll get it together in a second.” She wiped at the tears that stained her face and was quiet for a while trying to find a suitable spot to begin again.

“Okay, I can do this. I know that this must seem like a big huge mess to you right now.”

“No, it’s all pretty clear up until the part where you relived the day that Katharine was conceived. I thought you didn’t know how it happened?” Willow spoke calmly and slowly letting her words sink in to give Buffy a starting point.

Willow listened in disbelief as Buffy recounted the details of the day that Angel was human. The day that never was. The day that she wasn’t supposed to remember.

“As I turned and walked away from him, completely oblivious to what we had both been through just twenty four hours before and both of us equally unaware that I was now pregnant with a child from a day that never happened, the doctors revived me and I woke up with tears streaming down my cheeks. I still remember vividly everything I was feeling at that moment. I didn’t know I had died, they didn’t tell me that until later. I just remember being completely overwhelmed by relief and anger and sorrow and love all at the same time. I couldn’t process it and the next thing they did was place that little baby in my arms and I cried and cried. She was so perfect and so beautiful. And she looked so much like Angel and she was real. A little piece of him and I was alive and in my arms. I’ve never had so much pain and so much joy in one single instant than when I held our daughter while knowing that I couldn’t tell him about her.”

“What? Why not Buffy? If you knew that she was his why wouldn’t you want him to know?” Willow questioned, not sure she understood Buffy clearly.

“Because Will, he gave up his life for me again. He gave back his humanity so that I wouldn’t die. And though I am still furious at him for it, I understand his reasons. I couldn’t tell him about Katharine because I know he’d come back. He’d come back for her and I know you must be thinking ‘what’s wrong with that?’ but I was afraid that every time he looked at her he’d feel guilty for his choice, and I never want my child to make anyone feel that way. She’s not a mistake. Angel did what he thought was right, though he did it again without ever asking me what I thought on the matter. Then there’s the little fact that he is a vampire, and I know him, he’d beat himself up every time she wanted to do something in the daylight, or when she starts sports and he can’t go to the games. He can’t take her to the park or to the beach and it would kill him everyday. I couldn’t do that to them, to either of them. It was better just to move on and try and build a life for the t! wo of us alone.”

“Oh. But Buffy, don’t you think that it will hurt him just as badly to find out that he has a daughter, a daughter with you, and never knew about it?”

“Yes I know it will, but we all have to make a choice Will. He made his choices and I made mine and we have to live with the consequences. I love him Will, I try to stop it but I still do. And she reminds me so much of him, it seems like more everyday. She has his mannerisms and his little half smile. She even has his seriousness though she is quick to laugh, which was a relief. I can’t tell you how worried I was that she would be a little serious brooder.”

“Do you think you’ll ever tell him? I mean she’s bound to want to meet him.”

“Maybe some day when she’s older and really starts asking about him. For now she’s pretty content with the explanation I gave her.”

“Yeah, speaking of that Buffy, what do you tell everyone else? I mean like Jackson for instance, where does he think Katharine’s father is?”

“See that’s where it gets complicated, it started back when I was still in the hospital after having Katharine. They had to admit me after the whole dying fiasco and I didn’t have any ID on me, so they asked me what my name was and I almost said Buffy Summers, but I stopped myself. I couldn’t leave a trail like that and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do now that I had the baby. I think that part of me had always assumed I would give her up but once I saw her little face I couldn’t do it. She was mine Will and I wanted her. I always wanted her. So I had to think fast, I knew I could use Anne as my first name but I needed a new last name, and I know this is going to sound stupid but I wanted to use Angel’s name. The only problem was that I didn’t know it. So I tried to think of an Irish last name so that way our daughter would at least have a part of her heritage. But I didn’t want to be completely obvious and go with something like O’Shaunnessy, and as I was think! ing about it the name Donnelly just came into my head. I don’t even know where I’d heard it before but I liked it and it sounded okay with Anne so I told them my name was Anne Donnelly and left it at that. The hardest part was naming Katharine. I fought the urge to call her Angel, though I really wanted to. Katharine just seemed to suit her and she seemed to like it though the nurses thought I was just imagining things. So Katharine Donnelly it was. I added the Angel and Summers for my sake. I know the nurse thought I was insane then, giving this poor little child such a long name but it was important to me. I needed for her to have some ties to my former life, to who I really was. So she became Katharine Angel Summers Donnelly.”

Buffy paused and looked down at the table for a second, regarding it seriously before looking up at Willow again and continuing.

“I put his name on the birth certificate Will.”

“You did?”

“Yup, they asked for the father’s name and I heard myself saying ‘Angel Donnelly’ before I could stop myself. I know I shouldn’t have but it was important to me, I wasn’t going to let the little fact that he was technically dead stop me.”

Buffy laughed as she remembered the moment.

“You should have seen the look on that nurse’s face when I told her my husband’s name was Angel. I know she took one look at me and thought that I was a nineteen-year-old street kid with a gang-banging boyfriend. It was probably easier to swallow than the truth. I wasn’t in the hospital very long, seems the Slayer abilities were still functioning at full power so about three days after Katharine was born we walked out of the hospital together to start our new life. I figured my little vacation from the land of the living would take care of there being a Slayer available for world saving and that you guys would think I was dead. It was the strangest feeling not to have that burden on my shoulders anymore. I mean don’t get me wrong I was still completely paranoid that any second some big bad would show up and ruin this new life I was building for myself but as time passed and things remained more or less normal I relaxed a bit. There have been a few times here and there! where my ‘spidey sense’ has gone off but I ignored it and walked away. I didn’t want the attention. I tried so hard to protect Katharine from that world there wasn’t anything that would make me go back.”

Buffy paused to give Willow a chance to catch up before continuing.

“I won’t bore you with the details but I managed to get myself a job at a coffee shop, and the owner, Frank, was so nice he let me bring Katharine to work with me and she stayed in the back office with his wife, Marie, who just adored her. They are an older couple who never had children so they doted on Katie as if she were their grandchild. They let me stay in the office until I made enough money to get a place of my own. They were so good to me. I would have never made it without them. I had worked there for about a month and was really starting to get depressed because the money was not adding up, when I met Jackson. The coffee shop was a popular hangout for the college kids and Jackson came in a lot and usually studied in the corner by himself and we would talk off and on. He met Katie when she was about three months old one night when he was the last person in the shop as we were closing up. He offered to help me clean up and Frank let him stay. I was really ne! rvous about him finding out I had a child. He knew how old I was and I didn’t want him to give me that look that I got from strangers on the street whenever I was out with Katie. But he didn’t, he just adored her. He started coming by a lot after that and would go to the park with us sometimes in the afternoons when he didn’t have class. We became friends and when I had worked at the shop for about six months he asked me why I lived there and I told him and that was when he did the most generous thing I have ever seen anyone do. He told me that his grandmother had a townhouse here that she and her husband had had built when they were first married and he said that it was where both he and his sister had lived when they were in college and that it was about to be vacant since he was going to graduate in May and would be moving in with some friends when he started medical school in the fall. He said that he had told his family about me over Christmas vacation and that his! grandmother had insisted that I take the townhouse. She and Jackson’s grandfather have retired and live down in Florida so they wouldn’t be needing it and Jackson was the youngest grandchild so there was no one else who would be needing it for a good while. It took a lot of convincing on his part and when he showed me this place I just burst into tears. I was so overwhelmed. So I reluctantly let him talk me into it and we have lived here ever since. Not having to worry about paying rent has really helped me save some money. Jackson introduced us to his family and they have sort of adopted us. He has an older sister, Shelby, who is twenty-nine and she and her husband Chris have twins, Colby and Ashley, a boy and girl, who are about a year older than Katie. Chris is a pediatrician and is also Katie’s doctor. He has his own practice and is constantly trying to convince Jackson that he should be his partner once he’s through with med school, but he still has a long way! to go. He’s just starting his fourth year this fall and will still have internship and residency to go. Their parents live here also and are some of the nicest people I have met.”

Buffy yawned and Willow took the opportunity to ask some of the questions that were still unanswered.

“So what did you tell Jackson about Katharine’s father?”

“As close to the truth as I could manage without putting his whole worldview asunder. He only asked me about it once and I told him that Katie’s father and I had been madly in love when we were young and that we had gotten married when I was seventeen but that things didn’t work out as we planned and he left me so that I could have a better life and then when I found out I was pregnant I left town without telling him. It’s pretty much the truth. He knows that Katie’s father doesn’t know she exists, that it was my choice for things to stay that way and that he would come back if I told him about her.”

“Are you two, you know, dating?” Willow asked shyly causing Buffy to laugh at her.

“No, we never have. I wouldn’t let him get that close at first. But he loved Katharine and she adored him so he sort of became her Uncle Jackson and we left it at that.”

“But he’s in love with you.” Willow pointed out.

“Yes he is.” Buffy replied quietly and paused. “He asked me to marry him Will.”

“He did?” Willow’s eyes widened with surprise. “When?”

“About a year ago. It was really very sweet of him. He had planned everything out, had Shelby watch Katie and had planned this whole day of fun for us and he asked me that night at dinner and I freaked. I got up and left the restaurant and he found me crying like a baby on the sidewalk. God I’m such an idiot, but he was so understanding. He just stood there and hugged me until I stopped bawling and then listened as I made a fool out of myself telling him that I couldn’t marry him because I had a child with someone that I am still in love with and that it wouldn’t be fair to him because I couldn’t be the wife that he deserved and then I started crying all over again when I told him that I was so upset that he wouldn’t be my friend anymore and he started laughing at me and told me that there was nothing I could ever do that would make him stop being my friend. And he meant it too. Never once has he acted differently and he never stopped being there for us.”

“Wow, that’s…that’s…” Willow fumbled for the right word.

“I know. The problem isn’t that I don’t care about him, it’s that he doesn’t know me. Not really. He doesn’t know Buffy Summers, he knows Anne Donnelly and they aren’t the same person. I’m still Buffy on the inside and with my daughter. I’m only Anne to the outside world.”

“Wow. I see what you mean.” Willow said at a loss for how to continue.

“I’m sorry Will. I didn’t mean to talk forever, but it was such a relief to finally tell someone the truth.” Buffy paused weighing her next question carefully but knowing that she had to ask it. “Can you ever forgive me for what I put you through Willow? I’ll understand if you can’t but I had to ask.”

Buffy dropped her gaze to stare intently down at the empty tea cup in front of her anxiously awaiting Willow’s response while preparing for the worst.

“Of course I can Buffy. You’re my best friend and always will be. You didn’t do what you did to intentionally hurt us, besides have I ever been able to stay mad at you?” Willow grinned broadly across the table at Buffy who responded in kind.

“I’m so glad to have you back! Tomorrow we can show you around the city and get started on your apartment search.”

“Sounds good to me. What time is it?” Willow searched the room for a clock and Buffy answered.

“It’s late and I think that I’ve just about talked myself into a coma tonight. What do you say we call it a night and start over in the morning?” Buffy stood to put the dishes in the sink.

“Sure. Uh Buffy, would it be okay if I woke Katharine up to tell her goodnight? I mean…” Willow stopped abruptly as the sound of Buffy’s laughter from the sink threw her off. “What? What did I say?”

“I’m sorry Will, it’s just the idea of Katie being asleep this early is funny to me. That child is definitely a creature of the night. Sorry to say that she probably gets that one from both her parents. I guarantee you she is still awake. C’mon.”

The two friends exited the kitchen to find Katharine wide-awake and intently focused on a sketchpad in front of her.

“Whatcha doin’ Kitty Kat?” Buffy asked as she leaned against the doorway of the living room.

“Drawing.” Came the short reply.

“Whatcha drawing?”

“Me and Aunt Willow at the park, wanna see it?” Katharine asked but didn’t wait for a reply as she was up and across the room holding her picture up in front of them for inspection.

“My goodness that is a good one. Do you want to put it up on the fridge?” Buffy asked.

“Uh-uh. I want Aunt Willow to have it.” Katharine handed the picture up to her aunt who took it proudly.

“Thank you Katie. I think that I am going to put it on my fridge when I get home. Would you like that?”

“Yes!” Katharine squealed as she wrapped Willow’s legs in a giant three-year old hug.

“Okay little one, its time to let Aunt Willow get to bed she’s tired and so is Mommy.”

“Aww! Do we have to go to sleep now?”

“Yes, because if you don’t then you won’t be awake to spend the whole day tomorrow with Aunt Willow and me.”

“Alright.” The three year old reluctantly relented and made her way upstairs stopping half way up to turn around and face the two women in the hallway below. “Aunt Willow will you come say goodnight to me before you go to sleep?” She asked hopefully.

“Of course I will. I will be right up in a second.” Willow answered smiling at her little niece.

“I can’t get over how much she loves you after one day. I swear sometimes it’s like she can read my mind.” Buffy stated as she watched her daughter climb the rest of the stairs.

“She’s perfect. Absolutely perfect.” Willow answered. “Oh God Buffy Oz!”

“What? What’s wrong?” Buffy answered unsure what her friend was suddenly so concerned over.

“I need to call him before I go to bed and well…he thinks that I am still staying at the hotel. What if he tries to reach me there and they tell him I have checked out, he’ll freak. I can’t lie to him, what do I do?” Willow looked over at Buffy anxiously while Buffy bit her lower lip considering her options.

“I don’t know Will. I honestly never thought that this day would come. I don’t know what I want to do. I’m not ready for this, for everyone to know. I can’t ask you to lie to him, so I guess you can tell him whatever you feel is best, but Will…if you tell him about me please tell him not to share it. It’s something I need to do for myself. Okay?”

“Okay. How about I tell him that I met an old friend from Sunnydale and that I’ll explain the rest to him later. That way I won’t have to burden him with such a secret but I won’t be lying to him.”

“I appreciate it. Thanks Will.”

“Let me go say goodnight to the little one and then I’ll call Oz before he tries to reach me and can’t.”

“Sure, see you in the morning Will.”

“Good night Buffy.” Willow smiled as she made her way upstairs and Buffy sank down into the couch the events of the day still swirling in a dense fog around her consciousness.

She smiled to herself when she remembered the look on Willow’s face when she saw her daughter for the first time. Buffy sighed and felt like for once in a very long time it was alright to be herself, to stop hiding from the world. She reluctantly climbed off the couch and made sure the doors were locked before turning out the lights and heading upstairs to bed.

**************

The next morning Willow found Buffy at the kitchen table with the paper and a cup of coffee.

“Wow. You’re up early. I never figured you’d ever rise before 10 a.m.” Willow teased.

“Yeah, it took some getting used to on my part as well. But I find that I can’t sleep past 7 a.m. any more, irregardless of how little sleep I get. Besides, it’s the only time of day I get to myself any more.” Buffy laughed. “God I’m starting to sound like my mother.”

Willow cringed at Buffy’s statement and quickly changed the subject to cover her awkwardness at a subject she wasn’t willing to bring up just yet.

“So, where are the coffee cups?”

“Cabinet above the coffee pot. Help yourself. There’s cream in the fridge and bagels in the pantry if you’re hungry. We aren’t big breakfast eaters around here. The munchkin usually sleeps late enough that lunch is the first meal of the day, in the summer anyway.”

“So, do you have to go to work tomorrow?” Willow asked as she settled herself and her coffee at the table across from Buffy.

Buffy smiled as she answered. “No, I have the summer off. I guess we still have a lot of catching up to do. I still work part time at the coffee shop with Frank and Marie during fall and spring semesters but they give me the summers off since Katie isn’t in school then.”

“You’re back in school?!” Willow squealed.

“Yup, I have one year left to go at B.U. then I am an official college graduate. It’s taken me a bit longer than I anticipated but it’s worth it. It’s mostly Jackson’s doing. He really helped me get back on track once Katharine was about a year old. Showed me how to apply for grants, scholarships and even work-study. The school has a great daycare/preschool program and I can still work at the coffee shop for extra cash. It gets a little hectic at times but we manage to make it through. I haven’t had to take out any loans yet and my grades are good enough that I earned a full scholarship for my last two semesters, and there was enough left over that I can take the entire summer off.” Buffy took a sip of her coffee waiting for Willow’s response.

“Oh Buffy I’m so happy for you! What are you majoring in?”

“Psychology if you can believe it. I guess years of slaying and learning to deal with demons really prepared me for dealing with the weirdoes out there in the world. I really like it though. Jackson’s been trying to convince me to apply for graduate school so that I can teach part time as a T.A. but I don’t know. I mean I love it but teaching? I just don’t see myself doing it.”

“I think you’d be great at it. Professor Summers…er, I mean Donnelly. I guess.” The two girls erupted into giggles at Willow’s statement.

“So how long are you in town for Will?” Buffy asked once she was able to form a sentence without laughing.

“A week.”

“Only a week? That’s not much time to find a place to live, but I think we can do it.” Buffy dug through the paper looking for the classifieds as Willow shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She didn’t want to tell Buffy that a week was all that she and Oz had decided they could spare for her to be away right now. She dreaded having to tell her the news that she deserved to hear, especially since Oz informed her last night that things had gotten worse. Willow summarily brushed the thought aside to concentrate on the day ahead, the bad news could wait at least a few more days.

“What?” Willow asked, realizing that she had missed what Buffy just said.

“I said if you could spare a day, the munchkin and I could you show our favorite places and we could start the great house hunt bright and early Monday morning since nothing will be open today anyway. Sundays aren’t good for getting things done.”

“Sounds great to me.”

“Good, I’m going to go rouse sleeping beauty and run her through the tub. The guest bathroom should be completely stocked but let me know if you need anything okay?” Buffy stated as she stood to make her way upstairs.

“Okay.” Willow replied as she sipped her coffee and dug through the Sunday paper. She was really looking forward to the day ahead.

*******************

“My God she’s fast.” Willow replied as she watched Katharine scramble up a large tree with no effort at all.

“I know. She’s strong too. She can fall down and skin both her knees and just get up and keep going without missing a beat. She doesn’t cry very easily either so you know when something reduces her to tears it’s serious.” Buffy answered while keeping a watchful eye on her daughter.

“Buffy, um, what if she’s a Slayer? I mean considering her strength and coordination and…”

“Who her parents are? I know. Believe me I know. I’ve thought about it a lot. I almost drove myself insane worrying about it when she was younger but then I realized it’s not something that I can control, you know? If she’s chosen then she’s chosen we’ll deal with it if it comes. All I can do right now is be the best mother I know how to be and to keep her safe and free from what goes bump in the night for as long as I can so that she can have a normal childhood. One filled with sunshine and flowers and not death and misery. I left so she could have it and I won’t let it be stolen from her yet, not if I can help it.”

“I understand.” Willow replied quietly.

“Hey are you hungry? I’m starving. What do you say we coax the wild one out of the trees and I’ll make us dinner? We can eat out back since it’s nice out and that way the little terror can run herself ragged while we sit in the shade.”

“I think that it is the best plan you’ve had all day.”

******************

Willow felt like the next few days went by in a complete blur. Buffy knew the city well and Willow loved the time she got to spend with Katharine. The little girl was irresistible and she found it hard to argue against any of her requests. Unfortunately they weren’t getting anywhere on the apartment front. Nothing decent was available or affordable for that matter and she was starting to get discouraged though Buffy assured her that they would find something and it would be perfect. She even promised to keep her eye out for places after Willow returned to California to start packing for the big move.

“C’mon Will cheer up!” Buffy threw a pillow in her direction to make her point. “If worse comes to worse, you and Oz can stay here while you search for a place. It’s not a big deal.”

Willow threw the pillow back at her. “No, we couldn’t do that to you. It would be a big imposition!”

“Yeah because we always have company over here and I see way too much of you two already.” Buffy quipped back giggling as the pillow hit her in the head. “I was just letting you know that you don’t have to get all stressed out about it.”

“Still. We should keep looking, I mean there has got to be an apartment in this city that needs me!”

Buffy couldn’t help but laugh at her friend’s frustration and nearly fell off the couch with the blow from the pillow that Willow aimed at her in protest. She was still laughing when the shrill ring of a phone interrupted their comfortable afternoon.

“Whose phone is that?” Buffy asked sitting up.

“It’s my cell phone.” Willow answered as she furiously dug through her bag to locate the offending device. She managed to fish it out before the voice mail picked up and answered quickly.

“Hello? Oz? What’s wrong? Slow down. Oh. Oh no. I see. Yes, I’ll be on the next plane. I’ll call you from the airport so you’ll know which flight to meet. I love you too. See you soon.” Willow hung up quickly and turned to face a very concerned Buffy while trying earnestly to conceal the dread that was settling like a boulder in her stomach.

“What’s wrong?” Buffy didn’t try and mask the worry in her voice. “Will? Talk to me. What’s going on? Why do you have to leave?”

Buffy stood face to face with her friend who would not meet her gaze.

“Willow what’s going on?” Buffy watched as Willow slowly raised her eyes to meet her own and swallowed hard.

“I don’t know how to tell you this and I hope you will forgive me if it is something that you’d rather have not known but…I, uh, I think it’s best if you at least have the chance to choose whether or not you want to be involved.” Willow hesitated for a moment.

“What? Willow what is it? Tell me please!” Buffy was frantic and the look on Willow’s face was doing nothing to assuage her fears.

“It’s your mother Buffy. She’s dying.”

***********

Buffy mentally ran over the reasons she was doing this for the fifteenth time that hour as the plane hovered over Middle America. Katharine was sound asleep in the seat to her left and Willow fidgeted nervously to her right. She closed her eyes and tried to steel her nerves and the anxiety that flared up in the pit of her stomach when she thought about seeing everyone again, especially having to face her parents.

Willow had given her the short version of events in between phone calls to locate the next flight to L.A. Her parents had gotten back together in the aftermath of Buffy’s disappearance and death. Her mother had sold the house in Sunnydale and moved both herself and the gallery back to L.A. She started seeing more of Hank and eventually they moved in together and were remarried. Buffy still couldn’t quite picture that one. Her parents in love. It was unbelievable. Willow had said that she got a call a year ago from Giles saying that Joyce was sick. Brain cancer. The group had come together for her when she went through the chemotherapy, even Xander. It seems that all went well and the cancer was in remission. Joyce improved and everyone went on with their lives until two months ago when Joyce suddenly passed out at the gallery. She had a relapse. The doctors said it wasn’t treatable this time around and that there was nothing they could do but wait. Joyce refuse! d to be admitted. Willow said she figured why spend the rest of her life in the hospital when there was nothing they could do there for her anyway. The doctors gave her 6 months at the most. Oz and Willow had taken an apartment in L.A, Cordelia and Doyle were recently married and also were there to lend a hand when needed. Willow said that when she left to search for an apartment Oz had stayed behind to help Hank. Giles had flown in as Joyce seemed to be getting worse by the day and they figured it wouldn’t be long. When Oz called today it was with the news that Joyce had been admitted to the ICU that morning. She had blacked out at the breakfast table and didn’t regain consciousness until several hours later. Things did not look good. The doctors didn’t even think she would stay conscious this long but when Willow had called Oz to tell him what flight to meet he said that she was awake and coherent which was unexpected but a good sign at least. He said everyone wa! s there and waiting. Hank, Giles, Cordelia, Doyle and even Xander who had just arrived when she phoned.

Buffy’s stomach had tied itself in a knot when she thought about the scene she would cause walking into the room with everyone she had hurt so long ago. Well, almost everyone. Willow hadn’t said anything about Angel. All she knew was that he had returned to L.A. and kept the agency open with Cordelia and Doyle for the past few years. Nothing else was said and she didn’t ask if he was there as well. She knew Willow wouldn’t have kept it from her. Not when she would be walking in there with Katharine in tow. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. As it was she was a nervous wreck about showing up to face her friends and her parents with her daughter to explain, though she knew Willow would be there to support her and look after Katharine should she need it.

Buffy sighed audibly and Willow squeezed her hand in a show of support. She knew this was the right thing to do. It was her chance to see her mother for the last time and give her the chance to say goodbye for once. But just because it was the right thing to do didn’t make her dread it any less. The rest of the flight was a nightmare for Buffy. As they circled L.A. she seriously considered never leaving the plane.

Katharine was now wide-awake and more than excited at this unexpected adventure. Buffy was doubly glad for Willow’s support as she couldn’t seem to find the strength to put up a brave front for her child. She was terrified. Willow took the lead in answering Katharine’s myriad of questions while Buffy dug through the overhead bins for their bags. She slung them over her shoulder and turned to pick up her daughter to keep her from being crushed in the swarm of passengers pressing to exit the non-stop flight from Boston to L.A. She was exhausted and she wished that she had been able to sleep on the plane.

She carried Katharine protectively down the walkway behind Willow as her child chattered on and on about her first plane ride. Buffy knew that there was no way she was getting her to bed before dawn. She saw Willow break out into a run as she hit the end of the walkway and took a deep breath before following quickly behind her. She found herself standing awkwardly behind Willow as she hugged Oz manically.

Buffy waited quietly and heard the gasp as Oz’s eyes landed on her.

“Uh, hi there I think.” He frantically looked from Buffy to Willow and back to Buffy waiting for some sort of explanation.

Buffy swallowed nervously as Willow started to explain.

“No Will, let me.” Buffy stepped up to Oz and offered her hand. “Hi Oz, it’s nice to see you again.”

Oz warily returned her handshake and waited for Buffy to continue.

“I hear congratulations are in order. I am so happy for the both of you.” Buffy smiled over at Willow.

“But, how?” Oz stammered.

“Remember that old friend I told you I ran into in Boston?” Willow stated as Oz nodded in response. “Well, here she is.”

“Mommy?” Katharine whispered into Buffy’s ear.

“Yes sweetie?” Buffy answered in her normal voice.

“Who is that man that Aunt Willow was hugging?” Katharine whispered, her eyes glued to Oz and his fire engine red hair.

“That is your Uncle Oz.” Buffy answered grinning over at Oz as Katharine squealed with delight and jumped down to greet him.

“Hello Uncle Oz! I am Katharine Angel Summers Donnelly but you can call me Katharine if you want.” She smiled up at him as he laughed and knelt down in front of her.

“It’s nice to meet you Katharine. Would you like a piggy back ride out to the van?” Oz asked as he shook her hand and she nodded enthusiastically in answer. “Good, then hop on and we’ll go.”

Both Buffy and Willow watched him in surprise as he lifted Katie to his shoulders and turned to face them.

“I know that there is a lot that you need to explain and it’s okay, I don’t need to know right now. It can wait. Right now we need to get you three to the hospital.”

Buffy smiled and nodded at him in appreciation as she and Willow turned and followed him out to the van.

The ride to the hospital was filled with tense silence broken sporadically by Katharine’s excited chatter. Oz pulled the van into the parking lot and Buffy silently cursed the fact that the traffic wasn’t heavier at that time of night. Where was the typical L.A. traffic when you needed it?

Buffy reluctantly exited the van and stood holding Katharine facing the glowing neon sign that read ‘Emergency Room’ and she suddenly felt like a little girl. So small. She hugged her daughter close to her and sighed as Willow patted her on the shoulder reassuringly.

“It’s going to be okay Buff. Well extremely awkward and weird at first but I’m sure it will be okay after that.” Willow offered.

“Gee thanks Will.” Buffy answered her eyes still glued to the sliding glass doors in front of her. “Are you guys sure that I’m not just going to make it worse for her just showing up like this. I mean I’ve already caused her so much pain.”

She looked warily over at them for some reassurance.

“Put yourself in her place for a moment Buffy. What if Katharine had to do what you did and she came back to you like this? Would you not want to see her then?” Willow paused while Buffy considered her words.

“No, there isn’t anything she could do that would make me stop loving her.” Buffy answered quietly studying her daughter’s face intently as she fought to keep from crying right there.

“What’s wrong Mama?” Katharine asked seeing the worried look on her mother’s face.

“Nothing baby. Nothing’s wrong. Will you do something for Mama, Kitty Kat?” Buffy waited as her daughter nodded in agreement. “We are going to go inside this building and there are going to be a bunch of people running around making a lot of noise. Mama needs you to hold on tight to me until we get where we are going and then I need you to stay with me or with Aunt Willow at all times. Do not wander away from either of us. Can you do that baby?”

Katharine nodded her head and clung tightly to her mother’s neck as she turned to her friends.

“Well, it’s now or never.” Buffy forced a weak smile as the three of them made their way into the building.

************

Oz deftly led the way through the maze of sterile white hallways up to the ICU and paused just outside the waiting room doors.

“You sure you’re ready for this?” Willow asked.

“No, there’s no way I’ll ever be ready for this, but I don’t have a choice. I can’t run away from this. It’s too important. I’ll be fine, just promise me you won’t let anything happen to Katharine.”

“I promise.” Oz and Willow answered in unison.

Buffy smiled her thanks at them immediately.

“Well, there’s no sense in delaying the inevitable. Let’s go Oz.” Buffy dug deep to pull out every ounce of composure left within her as they made their way through the double doors and headed into the waiting area. Oz and Willow led the way and as they rounded the turn at the end of the hall she saw them.

All of them. A huddled mass of concern and worry. Their tense bodies betraying the fact that their nerves were beyond frazzled. She noticed Xander right away, pacing back and forth behind the couches. Giles was speaking quietly in the corner with Doyle while Cordelia was curled up asleep in a chair. She didn’t see her father anywhere and was silently relieved, hoping that it meant she wouldn’t have to endure everything all at once.

Buffy stopped and just stared at them. Her family. She suddenly felt so alone, so much like an outsider as she watched them comfort one another. Oz and Willow had continued walking hand in hand to join the group unaware that Buffy wasn’t with them.

“Willow!” Xander made his way over to hug his friend. “I’m so glad you made it back. I…” He stopped as his eyes landed on the solitary figure standing in the hall holding a small child. It took him a second to process what he was seeing and he took a step back from Willow.

“Buffy?” Xander hadn’t meant to say it aloud and the tone of his voice caused the others, except for the sleeping Cordelia, to turn in the direction where he was fixated, a look of slack jawed amazement on his face.

“Buffy?” Giles took a step toward her as the others continued to stare at her in disbelief. “Buffy could it possibly be you?”

“Mama? Why are all those people staring at us?” Katharine asked.

“Shh. It’s okay honey, they are Mommy’s friends but Mommy has a lot of important things to talk to them about right now. Remember how I told you that you needed to stay with me or Aunt Willow while we are in here?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Well, Mommy needs you to be a big girl and go over and stay with Aunt Willow right now. Can you do that for me Kitty Kat?”

“Yes Mommy.” Katharine slid down from her mother’s arms and ran happily into Willow’s waiting ones as the others regarded her with extreme interest before turning their attention back to Buffy.

The silence in the room crackled with the weight of the tension that fell between the small group and their long lost friend. She took a deep breath and then walked forward with purpose until she was in front of Giles. A gasp circled around the group as they saw her face.

“Bu-Buffy? I don’t understand, how?” Giles was at a loss for words as were the others with the exception of Willow and Oz who were engaged in the task of distracting Katharine from the confrontation that was about to occur.

“Hello everyone.” Buffy replied wishing that she had somewhere to hide, that the earth would open up and swallow her whole, anything to end the desperate tension that swirled around her and the dread that threatened to choke her. No one moved. No one spoke. Buffy was grasping for some way to break the silence and opened her mouth to say the first thing that crossed her mind.

“Why is everybody looking at me like I just died or something?” She winced at the pain that flashed across the faces of her friends and hastily backpedaled. “Sorry. Nervous humor.” Buffy stared awkwardly at the floor, the scrutiny she was under too much to bear.

“Is it? Could it possibly be? Buffy?” Giles managed to stammer.

“In the flesh. Okay, that sounded gross. How about ‘live and in person’?” Buffy answered silently praying for someone or something to bail her out of this nightmare.

“You’re not a vampire are you?” Xander managed at last while still eyeing her suspiciously.

“Um, that would pretty much preclude the whole ‘live’ part of the ‘live and in person’ comment, but feel free to check if you don’t believe me.” Buffy offered her wrists for inspection.

The others stood in stunned silence watching with rapt attention as Xander made his way towards Buffy and placed his fingers on her outstretched wrist.

“Ladies and gentlemen we have a winner. This one’s got a pulse.” He said flatly and quickly released his grip on Buffy’s hand.

“But how? I mean what?” Giles faltered as he worriedly replaced his glasses.

“I found her!” Willow chimed in. “Er, well sort of I mean…it was more like I stumbled upon her by accident when I wasn’t even looking for her but you get the idea.” She sat back and returned to entertaining Katharine while Oz patted her proudly on the shoulder.

“Found her? Where? How?” Giles forged bravely onward in his role as spokesperson for the remainder of the group who were consequentially still flabbergasted at this turn of events.

“C’mon on guys! It’s Buffy! Really!” Willow protested seeing that no one was going to make the first move.

Buffy stood awkwardly still, the center of attention, as everyone scrutinized her carefully. She turned to check on Katharine and jumped as she suddenly found herself unexpectedly tangled up in Hurricane Xander.

“Oh my God Buffy! I can’t believe it’s you! You’re alive! We missed you! I missed you! What happened to you?” Xander babbled on as he smothered Buffy.

“Uh, Xan? I can’t answer you if I can’t breathe.” Buffy choked out as Xander released his grip on her. “I mean, not that I didn’t enjoy the Xander lovin’” Buffy grinned up at her friend.

“Sorry Buff. It’s just…you’re here and alive and I still can’t believe it.”

“I’m still not quite sure about it myself actually.” Giles added before they were all drowned out by another voice.

“Quit shaking me Doyle! Ow! What do you mean be quiet? If you wanted me to be quiet you could have left me asleep. What’s…hey who’s the brunette? Why is…? OH MY GOD IS THAT BUFFY?”

All eyes turned to Cordelia who sat straight up in her chair.

“Buffy? How on earth are you even alive?” Cordelia asked not bothering to lower her voice.

“Uh, Delia darlin’ we were just about to find that out which is why I wanted you to be awake.” Doyle said quietly trying to dissuade Cordy from any further comments. She ignored him as her eyes landed on Katharine.

“Hey, who’s the little person?” She asked as Katharine peeked over at her from the back of Willow’s chair.

“She’s my daughter.” Buffy answered causing all eyes in the room to land back on her.

“She’s your what??” Four voices replied in unison.

“My daughter.” Buffy replied as she smiled over at her child who was regarding Cordelia curiously. “I…” Buffy started to explain but was distracted as a door at the edge of the hall opened and her father appeared and began walking wearily towards the group.

Buffy studied his features as he approached. He had aged considerably since she had seen him last and she had to swallow hard to hold back the twinge of guilt that arose with the knowledge that she was more than likely the cause of most his suffering. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a good week. His hair was tousled and his shirt and khakis irreparably wrinkled. His absentmindedly rubbed at his eyes, which were bloodshot and swollen from crying, as he shuffled nearer the huddled group.

Seeing her father in this state caused the reality of the situation to come crashing down on Buffy all at once. Her mother lay dying in that bed and she hadn’t been here for any of it. Truth be told she probably contributed to it. What was she doing here? Trying to ease a guilty conscience by breaking a dying woman’s heart? She had to fight the urge to grab Katharine and run. To just keep running and never look back. It sounded good in her head but her heart knew that was what put her in this position in the first place. Besides, she would never be able to forgive herself if she left now and denied her mother the chance to say goodbye. The chance to see her granddaughter. No matter what the reception she received, she felt she at least owed it to Katharine to see this through.

Her father didn’t seem to register the extra additions to the group and everyone watched him anxiously.

“How is she?” Giles inquired softly.

“The same. They gave her some more medication for the pain but the doctors just keep shaking their heads and walking away. They’ve just given up on her and I…I…” Hank shoulders slumped under the weight of his grief as he fought back the tears that surfaced as he spoke.

Giles moved to comfort him but was stopped by Buffy’s hand on his shoulder.

“No, let me.” She said softly as Giles stepped back in deference.

Buffy took a step toward her father and gently touched his shoulder.

“Daddy?” She choked out, silently cursing the quiver of emotion that surfaced in her tone.

At the sound of her voice, her father stiffened. His head snapped up and his eyes went wide with shock as his gaze landed on her face. His mouth opened but no sound emerged. He closed it abruptly and looked to the others for reassurance that he wasn’t just hallucinating. Giles met his pleading stare and nodded his head in agreement. She was really there. He could see her too.

Hank slowly let his eyes return to the face of his only child. Buffy stood rigid with fear before him. Her hand still on his shoulder and her face pale as her eyes locked on his. His eyes looking back at him. His little girl come home. Not dead. Alive. Life standing in front of him. Death hovering in the room behind him. He struggled to take it all in, the weight too much for a mind already consumed by grief, by regret, by fear.

For brief instant the air shifted in the room. The strain and grief that choked them all seemed to crack audibly leaving only silence and the echo of release in its wake. Hank seemed to snap back from the despair he was drowning in and fell forward clutching at his long lost child, a tangle of tears, sobs, pain, joy and relief. A million years of regret and forgiveness all embodied in that one moment.

Buffy hugged her father back fiercely. Hot tears stinging her eyes as she allowed herself to let go and open the door to those places she had long since learned to push aside and relegate to the recesses of her heart.

It was quiet in the wake of the heart-wrenching scene. No one dared speak as father and daughter pulled away to regard each other curiously.

Hank studied his daughter’s face intently, smiling slightly as he touched her dark hair, before a look of complete bewilderment settled across his features.

“Buffy, I don’t understand. How are you here? What happened to you? After all this time, you’re alive?”

Buffy could feel all eyes focus intently on her in anticipation of her explanation. She knew they deserved one. They deserved much better than the feeble attempt she had to offer. The time had finally arrived. The day she thought would never come was staring her in the face but she couldn’t deal with it now. There was something she had to do first. Someone she had to see before she could give these people their reprieve from the curiosity gnawing at their insides.

“As horrible as it sounds, it’s a long story. One that I fully intend to share with all of you. But right now, could I just see her, just for one second?” Buffy pleaded, sounding more like a little girl that the mother of one.

Hank regarded her seriously for a moment before solemnly nodding his head in affirmation.

“She’s in Room 217. Some times are better than others. Most of the time she doesn’t recognize anyone. Don’t take it personally, the doctors say it’s a result of the pressure from the tumors pressing down on her brain.” He sighed gravely and slumped back into a chair.

Buffy regarded him sadly and turned in the direction of the door her father had just exited. She sucked in a deep breath in a vain attempt to steady herself for whatever awaited her on the other side of that door and went to take a step forward but was halted by a sudden and insistent tug on the left leg of her khakis.

“Mommy?” Her child whispered up at her and Buffy bent down to her eye level.

“Yes baby?” She whispered back.

“Where are you going?” Katharine asked and studied her mother’s face for some clue while she waited for an answer.

“Oh sweetie. Mommy’s just going to go into that room over there.” Buffy pointed to the door that loomed just a few feet away. “There’s someone who is very sick that Mommy needs to talk to because I haven’t seen her in a very long time.”

“Does she have an ear infection?” Katharine answered staring at the door in wide-eyed curiosity.

“No baby, I’m afraid that she is much sicker than that. I need you to stay with Aunt Willow until Mommy gets back.”

“No. I want to go with you.” Katharine protested.

“You can’t sweetie. Not right now. Don’t you want to stay here and play?” Buffy asked in a desperate attempt to distract her daughter.

“No.”

“Buffy?” Her father’s tentative voice penetrated the furious workings of Buffy’s mind as she was trying to come up with some tactic to dissuade Katharine from coming with her.

She picked up her daughter and turned to face him. To face all of them as an idea came to her.

“I promise that I will explain everything in a little while. But in the meantime, can I ask you to do something for me Daddy?” She trained her gaze on him, unsure what his response would be. He kept his eyes fixed on Katharine and nodded slowly in response.

Satisfied Buffy turned her attention back to her daughter.

“Hey Kitty Kat do you want to know something special?” She asked trying to make her voice display an enthusiasm she couldn’t quite seem to muster. If it showed, Katharine didn’t seem fazed by it in the least as her little eyes widened with wonder.

“Uh-huh.”

“Okay. Do you see that nice man sitting right there?” Katharine nodded. “Do you want to know who he is?” More furious nodding. “He’s my Daddy.” Katharine turned her face back to her mother’s, her small brow furrowed in confusion.

“You have a Daddy?”

“Uh-huh. And you know what that makes him for you?” Buffy waited as her daughter looked towards her father and then back to her for an answer.

“He’s your grandfather.” Buffy finished.

“I have a grandfather??” Katharine asked in disbelief. “Like Ashley and Colby’s grandpa?”

“Mm-huh. Would you like to meet him?”

“Yes!” Katharine jumped down but still held tightly to Buffy’s hands as they approached her father, who watched them closely, still at a loss for what exactly was going on.

“Daddy…” Buffy began softly. “This is my daughter Katharine. Katharine this is your Grandpa. Can you say hello?”

Grandfather and granddaughter regarded each other curiously and Hank lifted his eyes to meet Buffy’s questioningly.

“Not now. I’ll explain everything soon, I promise.” Buffy replied and smiled weakly.

Hank nodded in agreement and turned his attention back to the little girl that stood and stared up at him in amazement.

“Well now, who do we have here?” Hank said as he mustered all the remaining strength within him to smile down at his grandchild.

Katharine studied him carefully for a second before grinning up at him as she answered.

“I’m Katharine.” She said proudly.

“I see. Now, someone here tells me that you are my favorite granddaughter, do you know how we can tell for sure if it’s true?”

“How?” Katharine answered intensely interested in this new development.

“There’s a secret test. Do you think you are up to it?” Hank smiled down at her.

“Uh-huh.” She replied, still holding onto Buffy’s hands while her eyes never left Hank’s face.

“Well, my very favorite granddaughter is the only one who knows how to give the biggest and the best hugs. Do you think that you could do it?”

Buffy smiled down at them both. It was an old game he used to play with her when she was young. It usually ended with her excitedly jumping into her father’s arms for a hug, trying desperately to fit her little arms around him. She waited for Katharine’s response.

Katharine looked back at her mother for reassurance and then grinned as she jumped up into Hank’s lap for a giant hug filled with her three year old laughter. Buffy watched them and fought back the tears that surfaced. She smiled appreciatively at her father and patted him gently on the shoulder as she turned to head back towards the room where her mother lay.

She steadied herself and walked forward one step at a time, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other until she found herself facing the offending door. Buffy hesitated as the sound of her daughter’s laughter echoed down the corridor. She smiled to herself and took that as her cue to push forward.

She reached for the doorknob and turned it slowly. The door gave way with a modest click and she entered quietly closing it behind her.

************

Those that remained behind in the waiting area continued to watch as Hank and his grandchild got to know each other. Cordelia studied the little girl intently, trying desperately to ease the knot of apprehension that tightened in her stomach as her suspicions were gradually confirmed with each passing second. She glanced over at Doyle whose expression indicated that he was thinking the same thing.

Cordy stood and moved over to the seat next to Willow, knowing that she, if anyone, would have the answers she sought.

“Hey Willow. How was Boston?” Cordy stated trying to ease into the area of her interest.

“Oh, uh – unexpected I guess.” Willow answered uncertainly. “I didn’t find a place to stay yet, but I saw a lot more of the city than I anticipated.” The redhead grinned at Cordelia.

“I see.” Cordelia frowned, wanting to get to the point already. “So, how did you happen upon our long lost formerly blonde Slayer?”

“Oh, well, I was walking through the park and thought I saw her out of the corner of my eye, but wasn’t sure, you know…since she had brown hair and well, the fact that she was dead. So I walked over to where she was and when I saw her face I just said her name without thinking and it was her. Buffy was alive and in Boston of all places. I couldn’t believe it. She was just as surprised to see me and we spent the rest of the day catching up and she asked me stay with her and Katharine so I did. We spent the next few days searching for apartments until Oz called and we came here.” Willow stopped and looked down at the floor, not wanting to go into too much detail, knowing that Buffy would have to fill them in.

“Hmm. So, Buffy has a daughter? Did you meet the father while you were there?” Cordelia asked, trying to sound nonchalant, but wanting the mystery to be resolved already.

Willow hesitated, knowing that it wasn’t her place to explain everything. She was suddenly aware that all eyes were on her as Cordelia wasn’t exactly quiet in her interrogation. She swallowed nervously before she answered.

“It’s not for me to discuss Cordelia. Buffy deserves the chance to explain everything when she returns. You’ll just have to wait until then.” The tone in her voice left no room for argument and Cordelia relented, albeit very reluctantly, and returned to Doyle’s side with a knowing glance, as the others went back to their nervous tasks.

********

Buffy stood near the door and stared uncertainly in the direction of her mother’s bed. She lay very still and attached to numerous monitors whose steady beeping pierced the otherwise unnerving silence that settled in the room.

Buffy hesitantly approached the side of the bed and stared down at the sleeping face of her mother. She looked so tired. Her features were drawn and pale. She seemed to have lost a lot of weight and there were dark circles under her eyes. Buffy nearly broke down at the sight of her mother’s broken form lying so still, so small, in the cold, sterile room.

She gently stroked the side of her mother’s face and turned to pull a chair up beside the bed. Buffy sat next to her mother, holding her hand gingerly in her own. She struggled to maintain her composure but was overcome with such grief that she could only put her head down on the bed and weep.

Buffy was so lost in her pain that she didn’t notice her mother stirring in the bed until she spoke.

“Who’s there?” Joyce’s weak voice invaded Buffy’s grief. She raised her face to meet the concerned eyes of the woman who gave her life.

“Mommy?” Buffy’s voice sounded so small and fragile to her own ears.

“Buffy?” Joyce’s eyes widened with shock and she struggled to sit up in the bed.

“No, don’t hurt yourself.” Buffy tried to keep her mother still.

“Buffy? Is it really you? I’m not…you’re not…are you real?” Joyce waited expectantly for an answer.

Buffy choked on her own voice and wiped at the tears that ran uncontrollably down her face.

“Mommy, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were sick. I didn’t know.” She started sobbing again, unable to meet her mother’s eyes.

Joyce studied her child warily, still uncertain if she was real or simply a drug-induced hallucination.

“Buffy, please tell me what’s going on? I don’t understand.” She watched as Buffy regained some semblance of composure and grasped her hand.

“It’s really complicated. I have a lot to explain and even more to apologize for, but I don’t want to tire you out. Please, if you need to rest I’ll understand, I…I just wanted to see you.” She started crying again and her mother struggled to prop herself up against the pillows.

Buffy stood to help her into a comfortable position and was taken aback by how thin her mother was. She struggled to mask her shock but could tell her mother saw it though she said nothing.

Joyce patted the bed next to her and Buffy carefully climbed in next to her. Joyce wrapped her arms around her daughter as they both cried. Buffy laid her head on her mother’s chest and felt so much like a lost little girl finally coming home. Things had quieted down and she took a deep breath before starting the explanation she knew her mother deserved to hear.

************* It seemed an eternity had passed between the time that Buffy had disappeared into her mother’s room till the moment she opened the door and made her way to the edge of the waiting area.

She looked awful. Her face was red and blotchy and her eyes were puffy from crying. It had taken a good deal of effort and time to explain things to her mom. Joyce had had to take frequent breaks to rest and Buffy found herself just lying in the bed next to her mother while she slept. Somehow she had managed to get it all out and much to her surprise, Buffy found that far from being angry with her, Joyce understood why she had left. She didn’t hide her obvious hurt at the situation and the amount of lost time between them, but as a mother she understood.

Buffy felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders, though as she faced the eager faces of her family, she realized that there was still a long way to go. She shrugged the thought aside for now, as there was one last thing she had to do before she would face them.

She scanned the room for her child and found her sprawled out on the floor coloring with Xander. She smiled at the sight. Her father was dozing uncomfortably in the same chair she had left him in, though all other eyes were focused intently on her.

“Katharine?” Buffy said softly, not wanting to disturb her father, who from the looks of things desperately needed any sleep he could get.

She waited as her daughter’s eyes landed on her and the little girl jumped up and ran happily over to her waiting arms.

“Mommy! Grandpa told me stories about when you were a little girl and Uncle Xander is coloring with me! You should come color too.”

“Not right now baby. There’s someone that I want you to meet first. Okay?”

Buffy picked her child up and addressed the rest of the group quietly.

“We’ll be back in a second. She just wants to meet her first.” She turned back to her mother’s room leaving everyone staring tiredly after her.

********

Buffy was exhausted physically, and especially emotionally, as she led her daughter from her grandmother’s side back out into the sea of worried faces that greeted them in the waiting area. She was very proud of how well Katharine seemed to be handling everything and smiled as she remembered how excited her mother was to meet her.

She sighed as she sank down onto the hard vinyl chair and released Katharine to return to her drawing. No one said anything for a moment before Giles spoke up.

“Buffy, how is she?”

“Tired, but coherent. She had to rest a lot during our conversation but she didn’t seem to be in a lot of pain. She’s sleeping now.” Buffy closed her eyes against the tears that threatened to surface before smiling warily over at her friends.

“Thank you guys for being so patient with me. I really appreciate it, and I know you are all waiting for some sort of explanation for what has happened these past five years.” Buffy began and glanced meaningfully over at Willow who took that as her cue and stood.

“Hey Katharine?” Willow knelt down next to the girl.

“Hmm?” Katharine didn’t look up from the paper in front of her.

“Would you like to come with me for a little while? We could go explore the hospital. Oz told me that they have lots of toys and other neat things in the gift shop, and they might even have ice cream!” Willow tried to make her voice sound upbeat and cheerful despite how tired she was.

Katharine’s eyes went wide at the prospect of ice cream and she glanced over at her mother for permission before happily grasping Willow’s hand as they made their way over to the elevators.

Buffy mouthed the words ‘Thank you’ to her friend as she left and Willow nodded her response. They had decided on the plane that Katharine shouldn’t be present when Buffy went into detail about her father and her birth and Willow offered to watch her while Buffy explained.

Buffy waited until Willow and her daughter were safely on the elevator and the doors closed behind them before turning back towards those that remained in the room.

She looked nervously over at her father, knowing that this would be hardest for him to understand being that he had had no clue as to her Calling before she disappeared and she was uncertain as to how much he knew even now.

She took a deep breath and requested that no one interrupt her until she was finished and for the third time in less than a week, Buffy found herself reliving the past five years of her life.

***********

“I knew it! I knew it! Didn’t I tell you?” Cordelia was the first to react once Buffy had finished her account. “I knew she was Angel’s.” She glanced over at her husband and Doyle nodded his head in agreement.

“Speaking of Deadboy, what are you going to tell him about Katharine?” Xander questioned.

Buffy studied her hands nervously before answering. “I honestly don’t know. I never expected to be in this position so soon. I know he deserves to know but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him and burden him with the guilt. I know he would blame himself and go into super-brood and I just couldn’t do that to him, to either of them.” She answered softly. “I don’t know. Please don’t anyone tell him anything about her just yet. Please, it has to be my decision. I have to be the one who tells him.”

Buffy met Cordelia’s gaze as she finished, the other girl nodded her understanding and Buffy visibly relaxed.

Everyone else remained quiet in the wake of Buffy’s explanation. She knew her father must be reeling from all the information she had just dumped on him at once, but at the moment he remained quiet and seemed to be processing what she had revealed.

Xander walked over and gave her a reassuring hug.

“Glad to have you back Buff. Things just weren’t the same without you.” He said it quietly and she held onto him tightly in appreciation of his support.

“Thanks Xander. I’ve missed you all so much.” She replied and pulled away as she noticed Giles standing away from everyone else studying a flyer on the wall intently.

Buffy walked over to stand next to him and gently placed her hand on his arm.

“Giles?”

“Hmm?” He answered but did not face her.

“Are you…alright?” Buffy bit her lower lip, waiting for him to respond and wishing she knew the right thing to say.

Giles sighed and turned toward her, pain evident on his face.

“No. I’m not alright. Part of me understands why you did what you did Buffy, but another part of me feels horribly hurt and betrayed that you had so little confidence in me. There’s never been anything that you kept from me before…I just, I just wasn’t expecting it that’s all.” He wavered in his answer and turned back to face the wall.

“Giles, I’m sorry. I know that I could have come to you but I was scared, irrationally scared, and I couldn’t handle things then. I couldn’t wait for all of you to deal with the shock and disbelief once I told you what was going on and then wait some more for you try and find answer to my dilemma, I just couldn’t. I had to leave. I had to.” Buffy cringed at the sound of her voice and she knew she must sound like a whiny little girl. If Giles minded, he didn’t show it.

“I know you are Buffy and I also know that you did what you thought was best at the time. I’m not mad at you, it’s just an awful lot to take in all at once.” Giles turned back toward her as she stared nervously at the tile on the floor. “Buffy, listen to me. It doesn’t matter now, really, all that matters is that you are alive and that you and your child are safe. Okay?”

Buffy regarded his face hesitantly before reaching out and hugging him in response.

“I’m glad that you’re back Buffy. Very glad.” Giles replied as he hugged the girl he’d regarded as his daughter for so long and the two turned and made their way back to the rest of the group to resume their vigil in uncomfortable silence.

***********

Buffy was jerked from her dreams by a constant shrill whining. She hadn’t remembered falling asleep but the cramp in her neck from sleeping in the hard chair told her otherwise. It took her a moment to remember her surroundings and instinctively she searched out her daughter who was curled up asleep in the chair next to her. She then turned her attention to the source of the noise and noticed that everyone else was awake and standing at the edge of the room nervously staring in the direction of Joyce’s room. She stood and hesitantly made her way over to them.

“Giles? What’s going on?”

Giles turned to her and she saw the fear and pain etched across his face grow as he answered.

“It’s Joyce, your mother, she’s…she’s…” He faltered not wanting to give voice to the words he knew would break her heart.

Buffy’s eyes went wide with fear as the realization hit her.

“But they’re in there helping her, aren’t they? They’ll bring her back…Giles?”

“Yes, well, they are in there but they are just keeping her comfortable until…”

“Why aren’t they helping her? How can they?”

“Buffy, your mother, she wanted…she signed a ‘do not resuscitate’ order the last time she was admitted. She didn’t want to suffer any longer than necessary and she didn’t want to prolong it for us. She said she wanted to die with some dignity.” Giles lowered his head and rubbed his weary eyes as he finished and felt Buffy collapse into him crying. He replaced his glasses and held onto her as she continued.

The nagging beeping of the alarm was silenced and a few moments later a young doctor made his way toward the weary group. Buffy watched in horror as he swallowed nervously and delivered the words she dreaded. Her mother was gone. Gone. She fought against the tears that burned at the back of her eyes as she crumbled to the floor next to Giles’ legs.

“Mommy.” The word clawed its way from her throat to greet the air in an explosion of pain. It was a horrible sound. The sound of her heart breaking mirrored in the grief that consumed her friends. Buffy cried until she was empty. She had no idea how long she sat there on the cold tile floor but the next thing she recalled was Willow’s soft voice speaking to her.

“Buffy? Buffy, we need to get you two home.” Willow reached down and helped her friend up.

“Oh Willow, we don’t have a hotel and…” Buffy protested as Willow interrupted her.

“You and Katharine are staying with Oz and I, we insist.” She smiled weakly as she used the same argument Buffy had in Boston. “There’s more than enough room, we have a two bedroom apartment. Oz has already loaded everything back into the van.”

Buffy smiled over at her friend and turned to say goodbye to those that remained. Her father and Giles. The two men sat next to each other speaking quietly, they paused and looked up as Buffy approached.

“We’re going to go with Willow. Is there anything you need me to do? To help with…things.”

She watched as her father shook his head and Giles answered.

“It’s all been arranged before hand. Joyce wanted it that way. Willow has all the details, now go and get some rest.”

She leaned down and hugged them both before turning and following Willow, who held a still sleeping Katharine, to the elevators.

***********

Cordelia took a solid breath to calm her nerves as she reached her hand up and knocked hesitantly on the apartment door. She waited as she heard shuffling on the inside and a few moments later the clicking of the locks as they were released while the door swung open granting her admittance. She entered without a word as the door closed soundly behind her.

Inside the apartment she sat her bag on the table and plopped down onto the couch leaning her head back and closing her eyes. She heard movement in the kitchen and waited as the sound died down and she felt the couch shift as her companion lowered himself down next to her. She didn’t open her eyes but heard him set a coffee cup in front of her as he leaned back into the sofa waiting for her to speak.

“Thanks.” She mumbled as she opened her eyes and leaned forward for the cup. Taking a sip she settled against the cushions and glanced sideways as her companion spoke.

“So are you going to give me a hint as to why you are waking me up at this hour of the morning or do I get to guess?”

“Sorry.” She took another brief sip from the cup trying to collect her thoughts before she continued. “I haven’t been home yet. We’ve been at the hospital for a few days, and I wanted to stop by and tell you the news before I went home and crashed.” She sighed and turned her body to face his. “It’s Joyce. She died this morning. The funeral is in two days. I thought you might want to know so you could come…if you wanted to that is.”

Cordelia studied his face carefully, but as usual he showed no emotion. He sighed as he answered.

“I see.” He took another sip from his cup and stared off into space.

“Well, I’m going to go, I’m exhausted. I just wanted you to know, in case…well, I thought you should know.” She leaned forward and sat the cup down on the table as she rose to leave. He stood with her.

“Thank you Cordelia. I appreciate it.”

She smiled briefly at him before reaching for her bag. He walked her back to the door and she hesitated with her back still to him.

“Angel?”

“Yeah?”

“There’s something else that happened last night, and I…I think you should know about it.” She bit her lip waiting for his response.

“What is it Cordy?” He replied softly as she nervously turned to face him, her eyes studying the ceramic tile of the entryway, pointedly avoiding his gaze.

“I know it’s not my place to tell you, but no one else is going to and I don’t want you to be the only one who doesn’t know. I hope that you will forgive me if it’s something that you’d rather not have heard but I wouldn’t be a friend if I let you walk into the funeral not knowing.” She rambled anxiously as he struggled to grasp her meaning.

“Cordy, I’m not sure I understand. What happened?” Angel searched her face intently, trying to glean some sort of clue as to what was going on.

Cordelia sucked in a deep breath and raised her eyes slowly to meet his.

“Buffy.” She flinched as a wave of pain settled over his features and he looked away. “Angel, she’s alive. She’s here. She arrived with Willow last night at the hospital and…”

She didn’t get the chance to finish as he was gripping her by the arms firmly shaking her.

“What do you mean Buffy’s alive? This isn’t funny Cordelia.” He searched her face for some sign that this was some sort of cruel joke, that it was a dream. She shook him off of her and faced him, anger replacing the sadness that previously blanketed her features.

“It’s not a joke. How could you even think I would try and pull something like that on you? It’s the truth and I thought you should know if you chose to walk into the funeral and saw her there. I thought you should be prepared. I guess I was wrong. Sorry. I won’t make the same mistake twice.” She turned to go and he stopped her, still too shocked to comprehend what she was saying.

“No Cordy, wait. I’m sorry. I just…I wasn’t expecting this, how could I? Please wait.”

She turned back to him reluctantly, impatiently waiting for him to continue.

“Please, I’m glad you told me. I just…I don’t…I mean, how? How is she alive?”

“That’s something that she’ll have to explain to you.”

“But Cordy, she died, dead…the next Slayer…oh God.” Angel looked up at her, his face awash in confusion and pain.

“Look, I don’t know why it happened, but she died and now she’s back. I mean honestly, neither of you have ever been able to stay dead for very long.”

She realized the inappropriateness of her last remark when she saw the look on his face, like she’d punched him in the gut.

“Sorry.” She said quietly before continuing. “Look, Angel there’s a lot that I don’t know about what happened, but I wanted you to know she was here. I’m sorry for dropping it on you like this but I didn’t know what else to do. Doyle tried to convince me that I shouldn’t tell you but I think he’s wrong. What if princess sunshine decides to visit you unexpectedly? It isn’t fair for her to have the advantage. I mean, she’s already…” Cordelia abruptly shut her mouth, realizing that she had almost said too much. No matter what her history with Buffy, she had promised she would not tell him about his child

“What Cordy? She’s already what?”

“Nothing. Look, I’m going to go. I’m going to claw my eyes out in a second if I don’t get some sleep soon. We’ll see you at the funeral if you decide to show.” She reached for the door as a thought suddenly occurred to Angel and he grabbed her arm.

“Cordy, you didn’t tell her…” He looked frightened, which was a new one for him.

“No, we didn’t talk about you, us or anyone else at all. There was way too much going on as it was with Joyce. Besides, it’s not my place to tell her what you have been up to all this time. If she wants to know, she’ll have to ask you herself.”

“Thanks Cordy.” Angel gave her a small hug as she turned to go and he watched the door close behind her. He sighed and leaned his head back against the wall.

Buffy is alive. Alive. And in L.A. Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.

Angel felt his legs start to give out on him and let his body slide down to the floor in a heap. He buried his head in his hands struggling to process what he had just heard. So many emotions flooded his brain at once he wasn’t sure he’d be able to make sense of anything. He was numb. Too shocked to move. He couldn’t think. He needed to think. He was having a hard enough time recognizing single words much less comprehending what it was that Cordelia had just dropped on him. Everything was just one gigantic tangle of unintelligible syllables as far as his head was concerned but one word kept screaming at him over the rush of emotion in his ears.

Buffy.

***********

Willow sighed as she sank down into the cushions of her couch and gladly kicked off her shoes. She closed her eyes and fought the urge to fall asleep right there, Oz would be back soon with their food and she knew if she let herself sleep there was no way she was waking up…for at least a day, maybe even two. She was exhausted. Joyce’s funeral had gone off without a snag, just a small gathering at the graveside and few kind words. No big procession, not even a wake. Just the way she had requested it. The day after had been rough. Buffy was quiet and withdrawn and starting to get antsy. Willow knew then that she would be leaving soon she just hadn’t anticipated it being the very next day.

She forced herself up off the couch and made her way to the kitchen to put on some tea. It sounded relaxing, though truthfully she knew she didn’t need to relax, just to rest. It was late and Buffy and Katharine would be well on their way home by now. Willow smiled as she remembered her goodbye earlier at the airport. She was going to miss having them around, especially Katharine. The past few days she’d spent with her she’d fallen hook, line and sinker for the little one and her sneaky ways. Buffy kept telling her to watch out that she would have her wrapped around her little finger faster than she could blink but Willow didn’t mind. She loved having her to spoil. She loved having Buffy back in her life, and was really looking forward to their impending move to the east, now more than ever.

She put the teapot on the stove and was just about to head to her room to change clothes when she heard a slight knock at the door.

“Oz, how much food did you get? It’s only the two if us, Buffy and Katharine are…” Willow opened the door expecting to find Oz his hands laden with fast food bags, but instead found herself face to face with the past.

“A-Angel? It’s nice to see you I guess, I mean, c-come on in.” Willow managed to get out while not still completely believing what she was seeing was real.

Angel nodded his thanks and entered the apartment as a bewildered Willow slowly shut the door behind him.

“Well, what can I do for you? I mean, it’s been a long time since, I...uh, haven’t seen you since…” Willow faltered her nervousness winning out over her need to make small talk.

“Since that day.” Angel finished, his eyes scanning the apartment carefully.

“Uh, yes, well that was a long time ago. What have you been up to?” Willow answered regaining some semblance of control as Angel finished his inspection of the premises and turned his attention solely to her.

“Nothing. I’m sorry to just show up like this. I’ll try not to take up too much of your time but I figured you would be the person with the answers I need.”

Willow felt a sudden dread settle itself in her stomach as she heard his reason for visiting. She turned and nervously made her way over to the couch, needing something else to focus on. She carefully sat down and offered a chair to Angel who declined and continued to pace the room. Willow thought and then pushed the thought aside.

“So, what is it that you needed to see me about?” She asked trying to sound calm while she silently prayed that his answer would not be what she feared it was.

He didn’t stop his constant movement around the room as he answered.

“Buffy.”

“Oh.” Willow’s gaze dropped to the coffee table in front of her as she asked the obvious with her next question. “How did you know about her?”

“Cordelia.”

Cold fear crawled up Willow’s spine at his answer and abruptly met with the hot anger that surfaced at Cordelia’s impudence. Willow thought bitterly as she weighed her options carefully. She decided to feel him out and see what exactly he knew. She figured Cordelia hadn’t blabbed the entire story or he wouldn’t be here seeking answers. She swallowed the lump that had lodged itself in her throat before proceeding.

“I see. What exactly did Cordelia tell you about Buffy?” Willow offered and was met with a frustrated glance from Angel before he continued.

“That she’s alive and here.” He scanned the room once more as he finished, searching for anything that might prove to him that she was indeed here, that she existed.

“Uh huh, and you don’t believe her?” Willow continued.

“No, I believe her.” Angel stopped his maniacal pacing and perched tensely on the edge of one of the barstools. “I saw her.” He said softly and closed his eyes against the memory of her face missing the shock that his answer elicited from Willow.

Willow couldn’t believe that Buffy would see Angel and not tell her. She tried to come up with a time when Buffy would have been able to and couldn’t remember a single instance where Buffy would have had the chance she had Katharine with her the entire time.

“Where?” She managed to pull herself from her speculations long enough to go on.

“Yesterday, at the funeral.” Angel still sat with his eyes closed.

“The funeral? When? Where? I never saw you. Angel, how could you have been there?” Willow questioned.

“I wasn’t, I…I only wanted to see her. I arrived early and waited for you and hid. When the car pulled up I saw her. I watched her get out of the car and…then I left.” He didn’t add what seeing her, alive and well, had done to him. That it didn’t matter that her appearance had changed he would have known her anywhere. That his body and soul screamed out in protest as he walked away from her again. That he had returned to his apartment and wept for God only knows how long.

Willow sucked in a startled breath at how close he had come to seeing his child, if only he had stayed a moment longer. She had relaxed visibly since his answers seemed to indicate that despite her telling him about Buffy, it appeared that Cordelia had not informed him about Katharine.

“Oh.” Willow replied quietly, uncomfortable with the silence that fell in the room. “And you want answers?”

Angel pushed the memory away and forced himself to focus back on Willow, this is why he was here and he needed to concentrate.

“How Willow? How is she alive?” The pain in his voice was raw and Willow couldn’t help but hear the unspoken implication in his tone.

“I don’t know how and I don’t know why she is alive.” Willow began softly, carefully choosing each word. “What I do know is that there’s no way we would have been able to find her. There’s no way we could have known.”

“But the next Slayer…” Angel protested.

“She was called because Buffy died. She died Angel.” Willow looked away, afraid of the tension that was rising in the room. “I’m sorry but I can’t do this, I can’t relive this. It’s over, it’s the past and I want it to stay there. I don’t have all the answers you’re looking for Angel, we both know there’s only one person who does.”

Willow stopped and looked over at him, he was staring at the floor. “I’m sorry Angel. I know this is hard but it’s not my place to tell you.”

“I understand. Thank you for your time.”

Willow watched as he rose to leave, no emotion evident on his face.

“Angel?” Willow stood as he made his way to the door, turning back to face her as she spoke. “She’s not here, in California I mean.”

His eyes filled with surprise at her statement and he watched as she made her way over to the bar and dug through a bag. Willow located the object of her search and handed it to him. He stared at the slip of paper and then back up at Willow for an explanation.

“Boston. She lives in Boston.”

Angel nodded at her answer.

“Thank you Willow. I appreciate it.” He gave her a brief smile as he turned back to the door.

“Angel?”

“Yeah?”

“What are you going to do?” Willow watched as he considered the slip of paper in his hand for a moment.

“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.”

Willow nodded at his response and said goodbye as he made his way back into the night. She was so distracted by her conversation with Angel that she almost shut the door on Oz.

“Hey!” Oz protested.

“Oh! Sorry honey, I didn’t see you!” Willow squeaked and reached out to hug her fiancé.

“What’s going on? Was that Angel that I just saw in the hallway?” Oz asked as he made his way inside.

“Yeah. He came about Buffy. I wouldn’t tell him anything.” Willow answered as she sat the food down and reached to pull some plates out of the cabinet.

“I see. And are you okay with it?” Oz asked, sensing the worry in her tone.

“No. I mean, I don’t know. I gave him her address. I know they need to talk to each other, I just hope I did the right thing.”

She looked over at Oz for reassurance and he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her gently on the forehead.

“I’m sure it will be fine.”

“I hope so. I really hope so.”

***********

[two weeks later]

Angel stood at the corner of the block and paced back and forth for the hundredth time that hour. It had taken all the courage he could muster to make it this far and now he just couldn’t seem to take that last step. To walk down the street to her house.

It had taken a good week to work up the nerve to come here and another to keep him from reasoning himself right back to Los Angeles. And now here he was, a few hundred feet away from her and he couldn’t do it. He’d come all this way just to see her and he couldn’t do it.

He sighed and tried to suppress the raw fear that churned in his stomach. He knew he shouldn’t be this nervous. It didn’t matter what she said, he wasn’t expecting anything from her. His mind told him he shouldn’t be here that he should go and leave her to her life, but he knew his heart wouldn’t let him. He needed to see her just once more, even if it was only to say good-bye. If only for closure, so that he could move on.

Move on.

He laughed out loud at the thought. Isn’t that what everyone had tried to convince him to do after her death? Move on. Life goes on. Yeah, he’d really been living these past five years. Existing seemed more appropriate. It didn’t matter now. None of it mattered so long as she was alive and safe. He felt like he could go on just knowing that she was in the world.

What was he doing here? He struggled with the same question that had plagued him since he arrived in Boston. He knew the answer, but it didn’t make it any easier.

Angel took a deep breath and turned. He closed his eyes and took the first step, forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other until his legs stooped shaking and he was making some progress down the street. He opened his eyes and began to scan the addresses.

<214…216…218… 220.>

He stopped. 220. He stood facing the townhouse nervously. Taking it all in, memorizing every detail of the place and trying to picture Buffy in it.

He jumped as he heard the front door open and voices drifted out into the night air. He swiftly moved out of sight and concealed himself behind a large tree at the edge of the small yard.

Angel watched as a young couple made their way from the porch to their car on the street, carrying two sleeping children with them. He studied them intently until he heard it.

Her voice.

It sent that familiar shiver through his entire being, causing his knees to go weak and he fought to remain standing.

“Goodnight guys. Drive safely.” Buffy called out to her departing guests.

Oh God. How many times had he heard that sweet sound over and over in his dreams? How many times had he awoken with tears streaming down his face when sober reality hit him and the empty ache inside took over as the dream faded?

Angel craned his head to catch a glimpse of her, careful not to give himself away. But she was gone. Disappeared behind the closed front door.

He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. Tried to clear his mind of all the memories that assaulted him at the sound of her voice.

Angel waited until the car was safely down the street and forced himself to approach the front porch. He stood there frozen for what seemed like an eternity before he was able to put his foot on the first step. He felt exposed, defenseless. He had nowhere to run and he hated it.

He quickly took the remaining two steps, afraid he would back out if he didn’t hurry up and reach the door.

He silently faced the quiet blue door that taunted him. It looked so normal, so self-assured. He stood there staring at the few inches of wood that stood between him and…her.

He closed his eyes and tried to steady himself with a deep breath as he reached his hand out and tentatively knocked. He heard movement and voices on the other side of the door and knew there was no backing out now. There was nowhere to go, unless the earth suddenly split open underneath his feet and swallowed him whole as he was silently praying it would, but lost the urge when he heard the doorknob turn.

He opened his eyes and waited as the door creaked open revealing a very tall, very tan, blonde man.

Angel wanted to die right there. He didn’t particularly care how at the moment, he just wanted something, anything to stop the pain that coursed through his body at the sight of the man at the door.

He chastised himself for coming, for even thinking that she’d want to see him. That she’d have a reason to.

“Can I help you?” The man at the door spoke and drew Angel from his self-flagellation for a moment.

“No, I’m sorry. I uh…” Angel took a step backwards, intending to go, when he heard her voice and his body froze in its place.

Buffy was carrying the empty glasses from the living room to the kitchen while Jackson stood at the door.

“So what did Shelby and Chris forget this time? Hmm?” She asked absentmindedly as she entered the foyer and felt a familiar twinge in her chest. Her eyes flew to the open door and the figure standing just outside and she stopped cold. Her eyes met his and for a second everything stood still. She stood there watching him watching her, motionless until the sound of shattering glass broke the spell and she knelt down and clumsily tried to clean up the mess she’d made.

Her heart was pounding so furiously she was certain that it was about to explode and she would die right there on the spot. She could feel his eyes still on her as Jackson knelt down to help her with the glass. She looked up and met his gaze once again and saw as he smiled sadly and turned to go. Her mind was racing with the implications of his appearance but she didn’t have time to sort through it at the moment, the only thing she knew was that she couldn’t let him walk away from her. Not now. Not again.

She stood as he reached the bottom of the porch steps and made her way to the front door which still stood wide open.

“Angel?” She managed to choke out, silently chastising herself for the quiver of emotion her voice betrayed.

He stopped but did not turn to face her.

“Please. Please don’t go.” Buffy took a step out onto the porch, silently trying to will him to turn around.

She watched as his posture stiffened and he turned to face her, no emotion evident on his face.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come.” He said evenly and turned away.

“Angel wait. Please come inside.” Buffy had to fight to keep from running to him, from physically restraining him and dragging him into the house.

She watched as he silently debated with himself before turning and rejoining her on the porch, though he kept his distance from her. She tried to hide her joy that he’d decided to stay, afraid she would scare him off and instead turned to head back inside with Angel reluctantly following.

Jackson had gone to the kitchen for a broom and dustpan and returned as they entered the foyer.

“Here, Jacks, let me do it. I made the mess.” Buffy went to take the broom but he protested.

“No, I’m almost finished, besides you don’t want to be rude to your guest.” He stated and motioned towards Angel as he scooped up the remainder of the glass and carried it carefully into the kitchen. He took his time putting everything away not wanting to interrupt whatever was going on in the next room.

He sighed as he replaced the broom and pan. He’d been shocked to open the door and find a man waiting on the other side but the way he had looked at her…he’d known instantly who he was, and he didn’t want to be there for what he knew was going to happen next. The tension in the room just the brief second he was in there with them was unbearable. He needed to leave but was uncertain just how to go about a graceful exit.

Jackson quickly ran out of things to do and returned to the foyer where Buffy and Angel still stood staring silently at each other. He went to take his leave of them for the evening, feeling awkward amidst this sudden reunion. He opened his mouth to announce that he was going when a whirlwind of activity bolted down the stairs and into his arms, causing all eyes in the room to shift to him.

“Where did you go? You promised you’d tell me a story.” Katharine pouted.

Jackson’s attention shifted automatically to Buffy for any indication of how she wished to proceed given the…special circumstances of the moment.

He watched her eyes go wide with fear at Katharine’s appearance and he noticed that she didn’t look in the direction of her visitor, though it wouldn’t have made a difference if she had, Jackson noted that he too seemed to be completely unaware of anyone else in the room save the bundle of energy in his arms that was waiting impatiently for his answer.

Jackson saw Buffy nod her approval and caught the look of utter gratitude she gave him as he answered her daughter. He sighed, right now this was the last place on earth he wanted to be, but knowing that she needed him, that they both needed him, he relented. She might not care for him as he did for her, but there was nothing that he would deny her, especially now, when she needed him most.

Jackson turned his attention back to the child in his arms, still painfully aware of the eyes that followed their every movement.

“I was just on my way to see you Buttercup. What do you say we go get you into your pajamas and then I tell you a story?”

“Aww, do I have to?” Katharine protested and sought out her mother for confirmation. Buffy only nodded her agreement with Jackson leaving Katharine nowhere to turn for an escape.

“No pajamas, no story.” Jackson added, trying to get her to focus back on him.

“Okay.” Katharine mumbled and put her head down on his shoulder as Jackson headed up the stairs. “But can it be a long story?” She added hopefully and Buffy heard him laugh as he answered.

She waited until they were out of sight and then turned back to face Angel whose eyes were still fixed on the stairs. She could read nothing from his face, though she knew by the way he stiffened when Katharine appeared that shock was most likely the biggest winner in the mix of emotions he was so adept at hiding.

She hesitantly reached her hand out and touched him gently on the shoulder. He flinched and recoiled away from her touch as if she’d struck him. His reaction shocked her and caused a sliver of pain to shoot through her chest. She steeled herself and took a step toward him as he turned to face her.

“Angel, I…” Buffy tried to begin but was interrupted.

“No. I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come.” He repeated the last phrase softly and tried to push past her to the door. Buffy moved to block him and succeeded. Angel sighed in frustration and looked down to meet her gaze.

It was too much. She saw something in his eyes shift, it was there only for a second but she saw it. He visibly softened and looked at her with such pain in his eyes that she thought for certain that she would collapse from the weight of it herself. She did not let her gaze waver as he reached his hand to brush a stray hair off her face, but he stopped and pulled back at the last second, though his eyes never left hers. Buffy felt as if she had had the wind knocked out of her in that moment. Seeing him hesitate, she opened her mouth to speak but he beat her to it.

“You’re alive.” He said so softly it was almost a whisper.

“I am.” She replied.

“But how?” The genuine concern in his eyes as he studied her face caused Buffy’s heart to break for all the pain she knew she’d caused him and dread at the thought of the pain that was inevitable once she gave him the answers he sought.

“Not here, okay? Please, let’s sit down first.” Buffy smiled briefly at him as she gestured towards the living room. He seemed to hesitate at first but relented as he saw that she wasn’t going to let him out of her sight until he complied.

Angel followed her slowly into the living room and chose to sit across from her rather than next to her on the couch. Just being in the same room with her was making his head spin and he needed to be able to focus, to concentrate…to get this over with. Images of her child, and what he could only assume was her husband, flashed through his mind, another painful reminder of everything that he had never been able to offer her. He shook his head and tried to force them away. It wasn’t working. Only the sound of Buffy’s voice was able to draw him back to the present.

She was sitting across from him fidgeting nervously with her hands and staring at the table that sat between them. She looked up only briefly and when he met her gaze she looked elsewhere.

“Angel, I know that this must seem a little…well, shocking, I guess. I don’t really know what to say, I never…I mean, wow, this is hard.” She said quietly and hesitantly met his gaze for a moment before returning to her contemplation of her fingernails. “I owe you an explanation and the truth is I don’t even know where to begin.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to…” Angel began but Buffy cut him off.

“No. Don’t do that Angel. Don’t be the understanding gentleman now. I need to tell you. You deserve to know, it’s just…I’m afraid. I know that sounds incredibly lame but I am. I’ve already hurt you so badly and I don’t want to cause you any more pain.”

“Buffy I…”

“No. Please just let me finish. If you don’t let me do this now I’ll never be able to.”

She sighed and he watched her shift uncomfortably on the couch as she prepared to answer. He knew she could feel him watching her so he purposefully focused his attention on his surroundings, trying to give her some room while forcing himself to be patient. He studied the furnishings of the room, the little things that were so uniquely her, focusing on absorbing every second while trying to ignore five years worth of pain and longing that swirled inside him, but most of all trying to remain calm knowing full well that this was most likely the last time he would ever see her. The realization stung and he brushed it away, not willing to entertain the sudden reality that he’d wandered into when he knocked on her door.

He shifted his gaze back to Buffy as she sighed and seemed to prepare herself to speak. She met his eyes and lingered there as she began.

“I didn’t know what to do.”

Her voice sounded so small, so uncertain, so much like the girl she was when he first met her. When he first loved her.

“I was so scared and I didn’t know what was happening. I knew that I needed help and I knew that I should have just told everyone but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to them. So I left. I ran. Some strong Slayer I was, but it seemed like the best option at the time. Somewhere in the back of my rational mind I knew I could have gone to you. I knew you wouldn’t judge me but I also knew that it would kill you inside, even though you’d never show it and I couldn’t cause you that pain as well. I didn’t want you to look at me the way that I knew others were going to. I could stand it from them, I could defy them even, but I don’t think that I could have stood it to see that look on your face so I ran away. I left and I never looked back. I never looked back.” She repeated the last sentence so softly it was almost a whisper. Angel could see her resolve start to slip as her hands trembled. He wasn’t entirely sure he understood what she was talking about but knew be! tter than to try and push her. She would get to it in her own time.

“Angel I’m sorry.” She stated and he nodded in response. It stayed silent between them for a few uncomfortable minutes before Angel decided she wasn’t going to continue.

“Buffy, I’m not sure I completely understand. What made you leave? What could have been so bad that you felt you couldn’t share it with anyone?”

Was it because of me?

He left the last unspoken and studied her carefully as she gathered her strength to answer.

Buffy raised her eyes to his and pinned him to the seat with the pain and sorrow he saw reflected in those hazel-green depths. He could see the tears beginning to surface around the edges as she answered him in a voice that was barely above a whisper.

“I was pregnant.”

The sentence was uttered so faintly, if he hadn’t been leaning forward and studying her face so closely as she spoke he wouldn’t have been able to catch what she said. As it was the weight of the words hit him with such force she might as well have shouted them. He sat back in shock as Buffy buried her face in her hands trying desperately not to cry. She couldn’t lose it now. Not like this. Not when she hadn’t even told him everything.

She didn’t dare look up at him after her solemn admission. She didn’t want to see the hurt and disappointment she knew would be reflected there, even if only for a moment, until he slipped back behind that ubiquitous neutral mask, for her sake as well as for his own. She had dreaded this moment more than any other she had faced in the past month since her unexpected reunion with Willow in the park. Telling her friends and her parents was so much easier than telling the love of her life that she ran away and hid their daughter from him for four years.

“Buffy? Buffy?” Angel’s gentle voice penetrated her frantic thoughts and she took in a deep breath but did not look up as she answered him.

“Yes?”

“Please, please look at me.”

She tried to resist, to continue staring at the floor between her knees until this whole conversation was over. She knew what he was trying to do and she wanted him to just let her be. Let her get this over with. Reluctantly she complied and sat upright once more, leaning against the back of the couch for support. She hesitantly flicked her eyes over in Angel’s direction and was overwhelmed with the love and concern she could see reflected in his. Love and concern for her, and he didn’t even know that the child in question was actually his. How was she ever going to be able to stand watching the pain she knew she’d caused surface as she told him the truth?

“Please continue. You left Sunnydale because you were pregnant?” Angel tried to coax her back onto the subject at hand despite the sinking chill that had settled in his gut at her pronouncement. Buffy seemed able to regain her train of thought after a moment and continued softly, staring at the pattern on the couch rather than at the man across from her.

“Yes. I didn’t tell anyone, I just packed a bag and jumped on a bus. I ended up in Boston when my savings were getting low and much to my complete and utter surprise Katharine decided she liked it here and made her grand entrance into the world and we’ve been here ever since.”

Angel noticed how she unconsciously smiled as she mentioned her child and her whole demeanor seemed to brighten.

“Katharine?” He said with surprise. “Why did you name her Katharine?”

“I don’t know. It just came to me in the hospital. I looked down at her and said it and she smiled, I know she smiled even though the nurses swore that a baby that young cannot smile, and so it became hers. Why do you ask?”

“Katharine was my sister’s name.” Angel said quietly and noticed the way Buffy’s eyes went wide with shock.

“I…I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay. I’m glad. She was a beautiful girl, and from the brief glimpse I got of her, your Katharine is too. She’d have to be with a mother as stunning as hers.”

Buffy’s smile returned at his compliment and she found herself unconsciously venturing into subject matter she still wasn’t quite sure how to handle in response.

“She mostly takes after her father.” She said simply and watched as Angel stiffened in response. “Angel?”

“Yes, well he certainly seems like a good man. I’m happy for you Buffy, really.” Angel fought the gloom that threatened him as they began to speak of her new life. Her life without him. The life he left her so she could have.

“Angel. Jackson’s not Katharine’s father.” Buffy stated and watched as confusion crept over Angel’s features.

“But…”

“Then who is?” Buffy finished. “That’s where things get complicated, although I guess not really so much for you since you had the whole story the entire time, but then how was I supposed to know that?”

Buffy was surprised at the anger that surfaced in her voice, but she realized that it was justified and she needed to get it out. To get it all out in the open, where they could deal with it and move on, where she wouldn’t have to keep it all locked inside as it slowly gnawed away at her heart.

If Buffy was stunned at her abrupt change in mood, Angel was even more so as he now found himself right back out of the loop. He went to open his mouth to speak but Buffy effectively cut him off with a wave of her hand and the look in her eyes told him it wouldn’t be wise to press the issue. But he could tell that whatever it was, she wasn’t staying angry very long. He watched her body language soften as her eyes came up to meet his. He found himself taking a deep breath without knowing why and bracing himself for news he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear.

“Angel, Katharine is your daughter.” Buffy let the sentence hang there between them waiting for the full meaning to hit home and Angel to respond.

Angel sat back against the chair in absolute shock. Really there was no other word for what hit him in that instant but pure unadulterated shock. His mouth was dry, his brain was buzzing, and he could swear the room was growing dim but still he sat there. Not letting his emotions surface. Trying to think, to reason. It wasn’t easy. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was vaguely aware of a soft sound and motion on his left knee. He managed to shake himself far enough out of his stupor to recognize that Buffy had moved from her position on the couch to sit in front of him on the coffee table and was now shaking his knee, trying to get his attention.

“H-how?” He managed to choke out and Buffy took that as a good enough sign to try and continue.

“I told you that’s where things get complicated. See, I didn’t just leave Sunnydale because I was pregnant. I left because I was pregnant and there was no possible natural explanation for how I was pregnant. I mean I know that math wasn’t always my strongest subject in school, but it’s not hard to figure out the impossibility of finding yourself a little over a month pregnant when you haven’t slept with anyone in over three. I was terrified. Completely terrified. I knew if I went to Giles the first thing that they’d think was that my child was some sort of demon spawn courtesy of the Hellmouth and I knew it wasn’t true. I knew that I wanted this baby even though I had no idea how she came to be. I knew I needed to keep her safe so I ran.”

Buffy paused to see if Angel was with her or still frozen in the throes of her previous revelation. He nodded his understanding, urging her to continue.

“Okay, so you already know that I ended up here and had Katharine, what you don’t know is that I died giving birth to her. Actually dead for a good five minutes or more. You know, goodbye Buffy, hello new Slayer kind of dead.”

She watched as realization started to creep across Angel’s face and quickly continued before he could interrupt.

“But that isn’t all that happened while I was dead. See, turns out that I didn’t know I had died and so instead of heading down the grand tunnel towards the bright light I found myself standing in the doorway of your office in L.A. exactly as I had the last time I saw you. Only this time, things went a little differently than I remembered… A LOT differently actually. But I’m sure I don’t need to tell you what happened, you were there, both times.” She paused to look him straight in the eye before continuing. “Anyway, suffice it to say that I was more than just a bit confused at what was going on, more so because it wasn’t like I was simply remembering the day or watching it as it happened. I relived the entire day Angel. I relived the day with you. The day our daughter was conceived. They didn’t erase everything, just enough to make things extremely terrifying for me for a good nine months or so.”

Buffy paused and studied Angel carefully as he processed all that she’d said. He sat rigidly still against the back of the chair with his head back and his eyes closed. She heard a small exasperated sigh escape his lips as he opened his eyes and leaned forward in his seat to face her.

“I did this to you. You had to go through everything alone because of me.” He replied softly and for once in all the time that she had known him, Angel did not close himself off to her. His face was a turbulent mix of love, pain and regret, all fighting for control.

“No Angel. It’s not your fault. Listen to me.” She shifted her position on the coffee table so that her knees were in between his and she held both his hands firmly together in her own, ensuring that he could not pull away and shut her out. “Our child is not a mistake. Please, you have to believe that you didn’t do anything wrong, well except for the part where you AGAIN made a life-altering decision for us without asking for my say in the matter.” She watched as a half-smile crossed his lips at her remark. “You did what you thought was best with the information you were given. Neither one of us knew about the baby, though I think it was pretty lame on the powers’ part not to tell you. Hey, don’t get me wrong I was pretty angry with you for a good while once I remembered everything, but then I realized that being mad isn’t going to change anything. You gave up so much for me…again. How could I ever do anything but love you for what you’ve given me? Katharine is t! he single most precious gift I have ever received and the most amazing thing is that she’s part of you and she’s part of me. She’s ours Angel.”

An awkward moment of silence hung between them before Angel spoke.

“I never forgot.” He looked up at her face as he continued. “That day with you. Seeing you in the sunlight, making love all day. I never forgot a second of it. I held onto the images like a life line, as a last hope.” Angel hesitated, his voice quivered under the weight of the memories which was becoming too much to bear. His heart was breaking all over again and he didn’t want to continue. He didn’t want to admit to her about the prophecy, his redemption and what had happened after she’d died. What his life had become when he lost all hope. He stopped as he wiped away the few tears that had managed to slip past his resolve. That done, he raised his head to look at Buffy and the sight that greeted him proceeded to smash what remained of his heart into a thousand painful shards that stung his chest and clawed at the back of his throat.

She was sitting there shaking with sobs as she buried her face in her hands. He could hear the pain in her breathing and the ragged breaths she took in between the tears. He wanted to go to her, to wrap her up in his arms and kiss every tear away. He wanted to, but the memory of the family that waited for her upstairs stopped him. She didn’t belong to him any more.

“I did.” She managed to choke out as she struggled to regain her composure. “I forgot. I swore to you that I’d never forget and I did.” She started to cry again and this time Angel reached out slowly wiped the tears away as they fell.

“Shh. That was not your fault. You weren’t supposed to remember. Shh.” Angel leaned in and pulled her to him. He knew it wasn’t right. That holding her like this wasn’t his privilege any longer. But seeing her in pain, pain that he caused, threw all logic out the window. His mind shut down and instinct took hold, and his instincts were telling him that his mate was hurting and he needed to help her. That was it and that was all. He meant to let go. To lean back and give her space. But she looked up at him, her green eyes shining with tears and wide with shock and in that instant he knew. He knew that she could tell what he had tried to hide from her and he froze. Unable to will his muscles to obey even the simplest of commands. Unable to look away as shock, confusion, hurt and wonder warred over her countenance. She did not make a move to pull away either as she reached her hand out and placed it gingerly on top of his chest.

“You’re warm.” She said softly, her voice heavy with disbelief. “You’re warm but your heart it’s not…”

“Beating. I know. I…it’s a long story. I didn’t want to…I mean, I didn’t think.” He let out a sigh in frustration before trying again to explain. “I didn’t come here to tell you about me, I just needed to see that it was true. That you were alive and alright. Buffy, I did not come here to interrupt your life.”

Angel managed to regain some measure of self-control at that moment and disentangled himself from Buffy to stand and head towards the living room door. Buffy remained seated on the coffee table for a second or two until she was able to register what he was saying. What he was doing. She was up and grabbing the back of his coat before he could get to the front door.

“What are you doing?” She spun him around to face her, anger surfacing in her gaze.

“I’m leaving.” He replied unemotionally, his features slipping back behind the neutral mask of detachment.

“You’re what?”

“I told you. I didn’t come here to disrupt your life…”

“You didn’t…like HELL you didn’t!” Buffy was angry now. How dare he just show up and find out about their daughter and then walk away from her again.

“Buffy I…”

“No, don’t you Buffy me. This is NOT some sewer we are standing in and I am no longer a child that you can push around! This is MY house and MY life and you will listen to me even if I have to stake you!” She knew that she sounded like a spoiled child but at the moment she didn’t care. “Angel, I don’t understand. I can’t tell you how many hours I spent imagining the moment when you’d find out about Katharine and I, but I gotta tell you, not once did it end with you walking out on us without at least a believable explanation. So the way I see it is you have two choices, you can either stay and explain to me why it is that you’re warm and flushed but your heart isn’t beating or you can walk out that door and never come back. And I mean never. No dropping by to check on us, no lurking in the shadows, and if I even see you around either of us so help me God you’ll wish that all I did was run you through with a sword and send you back to Hell.”

And with that she turned on her heel and marched toward the kitchen. She made it through the doorway before she was abruptly stopped mid-stride by a firm hand on her arm.

“No, I don’t think so. You don’t get to make it seem that easy Buffy.” Angel had caught her and he was mad. “Don’t do that. Don’t make it seem like me walking away from you that day was easy. It was the single hardest thing I’d ever had to do in my 248 years of existence on this earth, next to giving back my humanity that day. Don’t trivialize this. I meant what I said. I didn’t come here expecting you to drop your life and take me in, and believe me at this point all I really want to do with every fiber of my being is to stay here and hold you in my arms and help raise our child, but I can’t. I can’t just waltz in here and wedge myself into your existence, I can’t and I won’t do that to you. Either of you. She has a life Buffy. A good life. A life where she already has a father, I can’t take that from her or you. You have a life too, here with her and with your husband. I can’t compete with that. I never could.” He paused and looked away from her for a seco! nd before continuing. “I wanted this for you. I wanted you to be happy. So it doesn’t matter what is going on with me.”

He stopped and studied her face for her reaction. She was standing with her back pressed against the side of the doorway her eyes boring into his. He watched as they flickered with an emotion he couldn’t quite place before she found her resolve and answered him.

“I see. If that’s the way you feel…” She paused for him to reply. He regarded her warily as he answered. There was something about her tone, about her demeanor that was making Angel increasingly nervous but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it at the moment.

“It is.”

“Well then, I guess you’re right. You can just turn around and leave and you won’t have interrupted our lives at all. Katharine will continue to live her happy life with me knowing that her father loves her very much but that he can’t be with us because he has to protect us. And I can go on with my happy existence knowing that my husband is the single most stubborn being on the face of the earth. Knowing that he loves me enough to die for me but not quite enough to actually stay and be with me. See nothing will have changed so you can go now Angel.”

She didn’t move after she finished speaking. She stood there and watched as her words took effect and a mixture of realization and confusion settled over his features. But still he did not speak. Unable to bear the silence any longer she continued.

“Are we done here? Because I have a kitchen to clean and…”

“She really knows about me?” Angel questioned softly.

“Of course. I would never lie to her about who her father is. She doesn’t know the full story obviously, I mean she’s smart but I think the whole ‘your father’s a 200 year old vampire’ talk wouldn’t go over too well with a three year old. But she knows your name and what you look like and that you love us.”

“That man, he’s not…”

“Her surrogate father or my husband for that matter. He’s just a friend. That’s all.”

“So then, who is this husband that you spoke of?” Angel wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answer nor that he dare let the glimmer of hope that had begun to burn in the pit of his belly start to grow.

“Oh him. He’s only the most infuriating, self-sacrificing, 18th century Irish Catholic vampire with a soul who ever lived. We’re sort of estranged at the moment, in fact if you want to know the truth most of our marriage he hasn’t been around.”

Buffy watched as a sly smile curled across Angel’s lips and he leaned towards her, placing his hands on either side of her on the doorframe pinning her to that spot.

“I see. And just when did this scoundrel of the walking undead make you his?”

“On my 17th birthday if I recall correctly.” She raised her left hand and reached across their bodies to take his and display the matching silver rings that still resided on each.

“After all this time…” Angel began softly.

“Yes, even after all this time I still belong to you. I still love you with every fiber of my being and I love you more every time I look into the face of our daughter. Nothing can change that. Not your death or my deaths or even the depths of Hell was able to stop it. Then certainly nothing as insignificant as five short years is going to erase what we have.”

“I see.”

Buffy watched as he looked away and seemed to lose himself in his thoughts for a moment. When his eyes returned to her face she saw something she’d never seen before in those endless brown eyes. Hope. She watched silently as a smile spread across his face as he spoke again.

“I earned my redemption.”

“What?”

“There was this prophecy that mentioned the vampire with a soul and the gist of it was that by helping lost souls I would eventually gain my own. My redemption. Death would die leaving me…human.” He watched as the revelation sunk in and the inevitable questions surfaced on Buffy’s face.

“But then why…?”

“Am I not fully human?” Buffy nodded, her mouth slightly agape. “It’s part of the process. See, I earned my redemption almost a year ago when we brought down this law firm in L.A. – Wolfram and Hart – I won’t go into the details but suffice it to say they were evil incarnate. Worse than any demon because they were human, had souls and yet chose to embrace the darkness. Well the day after we uh, put them out of business, I was visited by a messenger from the powers that told me that my redemption had been granted. My soul was my own and my humanity would follow. He said that the transition would take a year and that it would be gradual, something about my body being almost 300 years old and not able withstand the shock of being alive after so long. So that is why my skin is warmer and why I have to actually take a breath every now and then and…” Buffy watched as a small grin spread across his face. “Why I can go out into the early morning and late afternoon sun with! out being in severe pain and having to worry about spontaneous combustion and why I actually crave real food sometimes. I can only assume that when the year is up the change will be complete and then…”

“Human Angel makes his return.” Buffy said softly tears welling up in the corners of her eyes.

“He does.” Angel reached his hand out and gently wiped her tears away.

“Angel, I – I am so happy for you. When can, I mean, when will it be a year?”

“August 4th.” He replied and was startled when Buffy’s eyes widened in shock and she gasped. “What? What’s wrong?” he glanced around them searching for signs of a threat out of habit.

“Did you say August 4th?” She questioned slowly.

“Yes, but what…”

“It’s Katharine’s birthday.” She replied and watched as his face registered surprise then broke out into a warm smile. “What?”

“It’s perfect.” Angel replied. “I guess the powers really do know what they’re doing after all.”

“Yes. I guess they do.” Buffy answered as she slipped her arms up around his neck and brought his head down to hers so that their foreheads rested together. “So tell me Mr. Former Member of the Walking Undead, do you have any plans for the rest of your life?”

“Why? Did you have something in mind?” he answered and pulled her closer.

“Oh, I might know of a family who’s in need of a father and husband, do you know anyone who’s available?” She grinned playfully up at him.

“Actually, there’s this friend of Doyle’s, his name is Pete. He’s kind overweight and he spends most of his waking hours at the pub, but I think that…Ow! God woman can’t you take a joke!”

She grinned evilly at him as he rubbed the sore spot on his bicep where she’d pinched him.

“Will you stay with us?” Buffy asked softly and trained her gaze on his chest, unsure if she’d be able to bear it if he said no at this point.

Angel looked down at her and gently placed his hand under her chin bringing her eyes up to meet his.

“Forever. I’ll stay with you forever.” He answered softly and watched as her eyes welled up with tears. “Don’t cry Beloved. Shh.” Angel wrapped his arms completely around and held her tightly as she cried.

“I’m sorry. It’s just I’ve wanted this, you like this, for so long and now…” She started to cry again.

“Shh. Shh. It’s okay.” Angel placed soft kisses on the top of her head as she leaned into him. He stood there holding the love of his life in his arms while their child slept upstairs and he couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by the sheer completeness he felt at that moment. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t notice when Buffy was able to compose herself and was trying to get his attention.

“Hey! Hello in there! Did you hear what I said?” She waved a hand in front of Angel’s face bringing him back to the present.

“Sorry.”

“Where’d you go just now?”

“Nowhere. I was just thinking.”

“As long it was happy thinking and not brooding…” She teased as he mock glared at her in response.

“What were you saying?” He tried to steer the conversation back on topic.

“I wanted to know if you would like to meet your daughter.” She answered.

“Most definitely.” He answered and Buffy tried to head towards the stairs but he didn’t budge and the firm grip he had on her ensured that she wasn’t going anywhere either.

“Hey!” She protested. “I thought you said…”

“I do. There’s just something that I wanted to do first.”

He smiled mischievously down at her as her confusion gave way to understanding when he leaned in and claimed her lips with his own. His senses immediately flooded with her…her taste, her scent, her essence. In an instant, a lifetime of memories invaded his mind, spilling into his blood and spreading throughout his being, infusing his very essence with warmth and reviving portions of his soul long ago left dormant. It filled him till he could no longer tell where she ended and he began. And in that moment, surrounded by the shadows of their past and wrapped in the promise of their future they learned to let go of their mistakes and embrace the bright hope that surrounded them in the echoes of a three year old’s laughter and the security of a lover’s embrace.