Freedom Force: Mall Santa Mayhem
By Hellions Pizza (zuckus-5@erols.com)
This part of the Project is hosted by
America's Heroes: Everything You Never Wanted
To Know About Freedom Force, And More!
Disclaimer: Freedom Force, the Vault, and Valerie Cooper are all properties of Marvel Comics. I'm not making any money off of this, so please don't send your flesh-eating lawyer squad after me.
The Blob sat in one of the cold reinforced titanium cells of the Vault. "Stupid Spider-Man, stupid power dampeners, stupid Vault!"
A month ago he'd tried heisting an armored car -- screw Mystique and all her secret plotting, he needed cash. He thought it was going to be easy, with his super strength and near invulnerability. But that stinking wall crawler arrived and covered him in that web stuff so that the cops could drag him away. Now he was stuck in the Vault, and the second to last place on earth he wanted to be.
The sound of the food slot being opened, snapped him back into reality. A meal tray was slid in through, clattering hard on the metal floor.
" Merry Christmas, fatty," sneered the orderly as he continued his rounds.
Blob waddled over and picked up the tray. Peeling back the plastic, he winced as the smell of horribly over-done meat product drifted out. Some Christmas, he thought as he chomped away at the "ham." Bad "ham," white goo, and dried-out vegetables -- it was inhuman. But at least he wasn't one of those poor schmoes dressed up like Santa at the malls. He pitied them after he'd had the worst Christmas in existence. It all started six years ago...
"Why exactly are we doing this?" asked Mystique, quite annoyed. The blue-skinned shapeshifter was not known for her patience. The rest of Freedom Force, the government-sponsored mutant team formerly known as the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, agreed with their leadress.
"Because," explained Valerie, the blonde government liaison, impatiently, "this is a chance for the public to see that this team is not just a bunch of mutant bullies."
"But it's bloody degrading," whined St. John, the Australian pyrokenetic codenamed Pyro.
"It's either this or working in the soup kitchens," replied Val as they walked outside.
"But a mall Santa? How is this PR?" asked Blob, a bullish fat man currently dressed up to look like the jolly incarnation of Christmas.
"Kids love Santa. Besides it's easy work: smile, ask what they want for Christmas, and hand out candy canes. How can you bungle this one?" said Val as she shoved the members of Freedom Force into the waiting van.
Twenty minutes later, the team was standing in the middle of the Pentagon City's food court, on an elevated stage decorated with lights and fake snow. Their costumes had been swapped for festive elves costumes, while Blob sat on a throne dressed as St. Nick himself. Lines of bickering and screaming children wound around the stage. The mall security guard looked at Freedom Force with pity as he unhooked the velvet rope.
Destiny smiled as she greeted the first child, a small girl. This didn't seem too bad and she had no visions of death and destruction like on the other missions.
"Hello, Sarah, how are you?" said Irene, using her precognition. The girl's eyes lit up and she looked at Destiny with awe.
"How'd you know my name?" asked the girl as Destiny lead her up to "Santa."
"Magic," replied the elderly blind mutant, helping the girl into Fred's large lap.
The girl nestled herself while Fred wistfully nodded and thought of better places to be, like on the top of Mt. Everest or the middle of the Sahara. This pattern continued for many children until...
"And I want a puppy, and a jet plane, and a ninja turtle, and a..." said the kid, looking worried and then quite relieved. Fred looked down at the kid, then the spreading wetness on his leg, and then back at the kid.
"Ah! Don't your parents toilet-train you?!" yelped Fred, jumping up and knocking the kid off of his lap. "Jeez, Irene, you could have warned me!"
"Fred, don't make a scene!" snapped Irene
The kid looked up at Fred with a hurt expression, and then burst out crying. Fred tried to calm the kid, but he just kept on crying. The mutters and stares swept through the crowd like wildfire as a couple of parents left with their kids. Pyro rushed over tried offering the kid a candy cane, but he kept on crying. After trying everything, St. John pulled out his wallet and gave the kid twenty bucks to shut up.
"Stinkin' kid," growled St. John as the kid galloped off.
Meanwhile, Mystique and Avalanche were having their own problems.
"Take the darn picture, Dominic!" growled Mystique, who had morphed into the spitting image of an elf.
"I'm trying," replied Avalanche, who had the ability to create strong vibrations to the extent of earthquakes, as he tried to take a photo. But the camera was ancient, and the fact that the film was misloaded was no help. "I think the camera is broken."
"It can't be broken, it worked five minutes ago."
"Lady," said the small boy sitting in her lap, "can I go now?"
"Not until we take the picture honey," said Mystique sweetly.
"But I'm tired and want to go home," he whined.
"Just sit tight and let us take the picture, sport," said Dominic as he tinkered with the camera that made a horrible grinding noise.
"But I'm.."
"Just sit here and let us take the darn picture," snapped Mystique as the kid sat there shocked.
"I don't think you're the real Santa," sneered the kid sitting in Fred's lap.
"Really, why?" asked Fred, bored.
"Cause you're too fat!" laughed the kid as Fred gritted his teeth and tried to restrain his anger.
"Don't," said Irene, who was standing behind him.
"But..."
"No, no strangling kids," chided Irene, right as the brat ripped the beard off of Fred.
"See, he ain't the real Santa!" yelled the kid as he took off. Blob jumped up and was in hot pursuit.
"Gimme back that beard you little..." screamed Fred, barreling after the kid.
"So, do you want a candy cane?" asked St. John, looking down at the kid.
"I want all of them!" declared the youngster
"Well, you can't have them."
"But I want them!" screamed the kid, as he kicked St. John in the shin. Screeching in pain, St. John hopped on one foot holding his wounded shin, dropping the candy canes everywhere. Seeing free candy, a mob of kids pounced him, trying to get the delicious treasure.
"Get them off me! Get them off me!" screamed Pyro fearfully, as Blob rushed by after the kid who'd stolen his beard, sprouting obscenities.
"I think I got it!" yelled Dominic triumphantly, after messing with the camera for twenty minutes.
"Finally," sighed Mystique as Dominic prepared to take the picture.
"Get back here, you runt!" yelled Fred as he plowed past, knocking over Dominic, who hurled the camera in the air as he fell.
"The camera!" yelled Mystique as the device began its decent. It landed with a thud, square on Dominic's forehead, bursting into pieces. The little boy on Mystique's lap ran off crying, while Mystique shouted at the nearly unconscious Dominic for not catching the camera...
"I'm going to kill you!" shouted Blob as he pursued the kid, crashing through scenery as he went. But after going through a wooden pillar, there was a loud crack and wooden light structure began to sway... "Oh crap!"
With a boom and a cloud dust, the structure collapsed on Freedom Force.
After the dust settled, five figures pulled themselves from the wreckage. They were tired and dirty, and their costumes ruined. And they never wanted to see another child or hear another Christmas song as long as they lived. The word "Christmas" struck fear in their hearts for years to come.
"So, do you think Val will be happy with this?" asked Fred, dusting himself off.
"Let's just hope you fit into an Easter Bunny suit," laughed St. John.
The End
