Title: Conversations (0/?)

 

Author: Lisa Yaeger

 

E-mail: lisayaeger@hotmail.com

 

Rating: PG-13

 

Category: Angst, Romance

 

Pairings: Sam/Jack

 

Content Warnings: language, hints of sexuality

 

Summary: People talk, they hear things

 

Season/sequel: Set in season 6

 

Spoilers: Allegiance, D&C, general knowledge of the show

 

Archive: SJD & whoever wants to- I'd be flattered!

 

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the

property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This

piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary

purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended.

Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are

copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or

dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

 

Status: Incomplete- I'm working on it!

 

Author's notes: Here's to a 7th season; bopefully, with more ship!

 

Feedback: Please!!!

 

Date: 11-11-2002

 

 

Sitting across from Jack underneath the tent designated as the eating

area at the Alpha site, Jacob Carter turned his head to hear what had

made his daughter laugh out loud at a nearby table. Looking back at

the CO of SG-1, he shook his head with a smile working itself onto his

face, "It's amazing really, how no matter where she is, or more to the

point at the moment - who she's with - she manages to bring laughter

to the place."

 

Jack lifted his eyes from whatever it was he was trying to eat and

glanced at his 2IC making jokes with the Jaffa and Tok'ra, which they

clearly didn't get, but were happy to laugh at all the same just to

see her smile. At least that was his interpretation. It's what he

would be doing in their situation. It was what he did in most

situations. But at the moment he was grateful that she seemed able to

do what Jacob/Selmak and Bra'tac had struggled with since they had

arrived- bring them in close proximity without one of them threatening

the other with a very large weapon. A step in the right direction.

He wondered, if given a chance to be President, she wouldn't somehow

manage to convince all of 'the powers that be' to just join hands and

sing Kumbaya. Yep, "Amazing."

 

Jacob snapped his head up from the study of his own food upon hearing

Jack describe his daughter that way.

 

Realizing he had just said something out loud, he continued as if he

had intended to say more, "Amazing that we're sitting. Here.

Together. Here." Shit. He was rambling. Afraid to look at Jacob to

see if he was buying this.

 

"Uh huh." No way.

 

Jack cleared his throat and decided to change the topic entirely,

"So..." Yeah, that would divert his attention.

 

"What?" Jacob wasn't helping.

 

At that moment, Sam got up from her spot and walked toward them. He

swore she could read his mind most of the time. He just hoped not all

of the time. But he wasn't willing to take that bet. She sat down

next to her dad, "What have I been missing?"

 

Pushing away his food, Jacob grinned, "Looks like we were the ones

missing out on all of the fun. They seemed to be enjoying your

company."

 

She waived her hand as if to gesture that it wasn't anything special.

It wasn't really. Not for her.

 

Silence descended the three, and Sam wondered if she had interrupted

something, "You know, if you two were talking about something, I

could-"

 

"No!" Too loudly, too quickly, Jack protested, "I mean, you don't get

to see enough of Dad, so I think I'll go - do something." He took his

tray and stood up to leave.

 

"Jack." Jacob wasn't going to let him get away that easily. "We can

continue our conversation later."

 

"Great. Looking forward to it." He smiled his best fake smile and

walked off.

 

"What was that about?" Sam questioned her dad as she picked at the

rest of his food.

 

"Nothing." Maybe he would have better luck with her. "Jack's right.

It's been awhile since we've really had a chance to catch up. Just

talk. The two of us."

 

"What do you want to talk about?"

 

"You."

 

"What about me?"

 

"What's going on with you?"

 

She chuckled as she finished his last spoonful of -what was that stuff

anyway? - and replied, "You know what's going on with me, Dad. You've

seen half of our mission reports, and the other half you've been there

for!'

 

"No, Sam, I'm not talking about what you do all day, I'm talking about

after work. When you go home. What do you do? Who do you see?"

 

She looked at him with genuine puzzlement, "You know how much I work.

And if I'm not at work, then I'm usually hanging out with the people

I work with. You know them, too, so I guess you've got the whole

story."

 

"So that's it?" He was starting to get exasperated and half wished

Selmak would take over. She was better at these things.

 

"Yeah. Pretty much."

 

"No secret activities or boyfriends I don't know about?" He was only

half joking.

 

She laughed out loud again, "No, Dad. I'm not seeing anyone or doing

anything that you wouldn't approve of." She reverted to a tone that

she hadn't used since high school.

 

"That's really not what I meant." He hung his head. He wasn't

getting very far.

 

"Then just tell me what you did mean, and I'll tell you the truth. Or

I'll tell you it's none of your business." She meant that.

 

He lifted his eyes to meet hers. Here went nothing, "Okay. It was

seeing the Zay'tarc detector. It reminded me of the last time I had

heard about one." He left it at that.

 

Every hair on her body was standing on edge, "Is this what you were

talking to the Colonel about?"

 

"No." It was an honest response.

 

Not wanting to reveal anymore than he probably already knew, she

wanted to feel him out, "I guess Anise isn't the most discreet

Tok'ra?"

 

"Not exactly. I mean, she didn't come running back with details, but

suffice it to say, I got the general idea."

 

Great. Just great. It had managed to stay in one room on earth, but

the rest of the galaxy knew. "Then I guess there isn't anything else

to say."

 

"Do you love him?"

 

That caught her completely off guard. It was a question she had

struggled with for years, and she couldn't even manage to admit it to

herself on most days. And now her father was sitting next to her,

demanding an answer she didn't know how to give and still keep her

life together. Unable to respond, she just stared.

 

He searched her eyes, her face, her lips, for any indication that a

denial or at least an admission of being undecided would emerge, but

he was met with silence. Silence that gave consent. Silence that

confirmed what he had suspected for a long time. "Oh."

 

Minutes passed with only their breathing making noise. Then quietly,

"Nothing has ever happened."

 

He nodded. She wasn't the type to lie, and even when she did, she

didn't do it very well. At least not with him. Then the question

that any father would want to know, "Does he love you?"

 

Absurdly close to tears, she shook her head, "I don't think so."

 

Relief and rage came in equal force. Thank god Jack had the decency

not to fall in love with her, but why hadn't he? And why was Jacob

not really convinced that he hadn't? Oh, right, just awhile ago he

had called her 'amazing.' He tried to cover it up, but Jacob knew

what he heard. And if Anise's accounts were even close to accurate,

he certainly had strong feelings for her at one time. Had they just

died? "Have you talked to him about it?"

 

"We agreed not to talk about it." She continued to stare off into

space as if the answers were awaiting her out there, somewhere. "You

know what could happen."

 

Court martial; splitting up the team; risking their careers; letting

everyone down; getting hurt. And not necessarily in that order.

"Does George know?"

 

"I don't know. If he does, he hasn't said anything. I think the

'don't ask, don't tell' rule may apply here. Unofficially."

 

He had envied George a time or two during the past few years, but this

was not one of those moments. "I see." He didn't really, but he

didn't want her to think he wasn't there for her. Taking her hand in

his, "You know I love you, right?" He attempted a smile.

 

"I know. I love you, too." She kissed him on the cheek. "It's late,

and I'm tired." She made the motions of getting up to leave.

 

He didn't know what else to say, so he got up with her, and pulled her

into a hug that he hoped said everything he felt. They pulled apart

as night descended on the camp.

 

Sam retreated to her tent for the night. Grateful to have her own

space for a few hours before falling asleep, she heard her father's

voice echo in her mind, 'Do you love him?' Such a simple question

with a million different answers. She loved him in the way she loved

everyone that she worked closely with: Teal'c, Jonas, Janet, General

Hammond. It was a bond that went beyond teammate, beyond friend.

Although she did love him as a friend, too. In many ways, her best

friend. They didn't talk in the same way that she and Janet did, and

that was just it. They didn't need to. They had seen so much

together; been through so much together. Not that a conversation

about a few things wouldn't be nice- Daniel, Edora (okay, maybe not),

the alternate universes. But, as it was, she was comfortable enough

to make it through the day working with a man that she had strong

feelings for. Lusted after? Definitely. Dreamt about? Absolutely.

Loved?

 

Yeah.

 

******

 

Part 2

 

Trying to decide if he had done more harm than good, Jacob wandered

around the perimeter of the camp guided only by the light of the

moons. Not for the first time, he cursed Anise and that damn machine.

He cursed Jack, too, although he was less sure for what reason. He

just wanted to see Sam happy, and while he wasn't sure if Jack was the

man for the job or not, he knew for damn sure that her *CO* would never

fit the bill, no matter who he was. Settling on a rock with a clear

view of the stars, he heard someone shifting on their feet a few

meters away. He looked over his shoulder to see the profile of the

man in question. Hoping beyond hope that Jack hadn't seen or heard

him, he decided to retreat back down the path he came on. He had made

it all of three steps-

 

"Nice night, huh?"

 

"I guess it depends on where you're standing."

 

"The view from here isn't bad."

 

Not responding, Jacob decided to sit back down and wait. Jack O'Neill

didn't strike up a conversation for no reason.

 

"Jacob, about earlier..."

 

He really didn't want to hear this, "Look, Jack. Let's just forget

it, okay?"

 

"I know what you think you heard me say, and I just wanted to clarify

that I agreed with you that sometimes the way Carter manages a

situation is amazing, not that-"

 

"Jack! Just stop." He lowered his face to his hands and rubbed the

top of his head. He knew if it weren't for Selmak, he would have one

heck of a migraine about now.

 

"Fine by me, I was just saying..." He came to sit on a smaller rock

next to the one Jacob was on.

 

"Sorry. I guess I've just had enough conversation for one night."

 

A smile appeared on Jack's face, although Jacob couldn't really see,

"Let me guess- Carter started in with her technobabble on some

doohickey, and all you wanted to know was how her day went?"

 

Jacob returned an unseen smile, "Something like that." Although

nothing could actually be further from the truth.

 

"Gotta love how she gets carried away with her work."

 

"Apparently she gets carried away with a lot of things."

 

Jack was sure there was a double meaning there, and he was also sure

he felt his stomach muscles tighten at what it could be. In his

typical fashion, he didn't respond.

 

Taking a breath and resolving himself to the task that was now at

hand, "Jack, I'm not going to beat around the bush here." He turned

so that his body was facing Jack's and continued, "This was not the

first time I had heard about Zay'tarc detectors giving false

positives." He waited for a response that did not seem to be

forthcoming.

 

Finally, in a quieter voice than Jacob had ever heard him use, "I

didn't think it was."

 

So, Jack had at least suspected that Jacob was aware that there was

something going on between them. He wasn't Jack's father, but he

wasn't sure what other stance to take. He wasn't his CO, either. He

was just a man who loved his daughter who happened to love her CO who

happened to be Jack. "Whatever is or isn't going on with you two,

it's none of my business. I know that Sam respects you and wouldn't

want to work for anyone else. I'm not questioning your behavior or

your ethics here, Jack."

 

"Then what?" Why would he bring it up if he wasn't going to a) kill

him, b) tell General Hammond, or c) both.

 

"I'm her father. I just don't want to see her get hurt." It was the

one thing he was sure of in all of this.

 

"Neither do I." It was honest.

 

"I remember the night she told me that she and Jonas were engaged. I

remember thinking that she didn't sound happy. Not happy like I

wanted her to sound. It was more of a resignation in her voice. Like

she was doing what she was supposed to do, and that was enough. I

wanted to see the joy in her face like when her mother and I told her

parents. It was never there."

 

Not sure what to say, Jack just nodded.

 

"She kept telling me that she loved him. But I never felt like she

meant it. It never reached her eyes. They say everything about her,

and she doesn't even know it."

 

Jack chuckled at that. It was true- she had no idea what other people

could see in them.

 

"When she didn't say it today, I knew. It meant more than if she had

shouted it from the rooftop. "

 

Didn't say what? What just happened here? Jack shifted his position

so he could see Jacob more clearly.

 

"She told me that you don't feel the same way, and I guess I'm

grateful. It would be hell on you and the team if you did. But I

have to tell you that, as her father, it scares me to know that she's

in love with someone else that can't make her happy."

 

Were those moons spinning or were there suddenly four instead of two?

OH. MY. GOD. Did Carter's dad just say that she was in love with

him? No. That wasn't it. It was that weird stuff he was eating

before. He clutched the sides of the rock to keep from falling off.

He was sure he was either very pale or very green.

 

Jacob noticed the change in Jack's posture, "Jack?"

 

"Sorry. Must have been something I ate. Indigestion, that's all."

Ha! He tried to regain some semblance of composure and sit upright

while the world continued to spin around him, "Jacob, I'm not sure

what you and Carter were talking about before, but I can assure you,

she doesn't have those kind of ... feelings... for me. So whatever

you think you heard, or whatever she said, you're taking it the wrong

way." He hoped he sounded more lucid than he felt, but he knew he was

at least right about that. She didn't have feelings for him anymore,

if she ever did at all.

 

Stunned, Jacob thought back on his conversation with Sam. Maybe he

had taken it the wrong way when she hadn't responded to his question

of her feelings for Jack. No. He knew what he saw; what he didn't

hear. And as for the man trying desperately to hold himself upright a

few steps away, well, his feelings were betraying him, too. What the

hell was going on with these two? "Well, at least the two of you have

gotten your stories straight." He got up to leave, but got no further

than the first time.

 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He would be damned if he

was going to be accused of *something* when he had never worked so hard

to make sure *nothing* happened!

 

"You're both so convinced that the other one doesn't love you, that

you can't even admit how you feel to yourselves." He walked away

without looking back.

 

Feeling a little less nauseous than he did before, Jack released

the clutch he had on the rock and continued to stare at the moons that

were now clearly in focus. Jacob was right about one thing, he had

been denying his feelings for Carter for years. The only times he let

them surface were when he had to, or when he wasn't really himself, or

it wasn't the real Carter. Well, and the loop. Damn!! There were

too many exceptions to this ridiculous situation. And what was he

supposed to do? Retire? That thought had occurred to him on more

than one occasion, especially lately, although it had less to do with

her than with his body creaking more than usual and the realization of

just how close he had been to breaking with Ba'al. He had barely held

out, and he knew that very situation could happen again. Or worse, it

could happen to her. And then what? He might as well not be around

for that anyway. He would be lost without her. That was the truth he

could admit to himself. Had to admit, thanks to Anise. But love? He

hadn't said the word in years. Care for? Without a doubt. Would die

for? Didn't even have to think about that one. Fantasize about?

Frequently. But love? Well, if he could love anyone, it was her.

 

Yeah, it was her.

 

Part 3

 

 

Only vaguely aware that the moons were less visible while the

increasing sunlight descended on the Alpha site, Jack was awakened

from the light sleep his body had insisted upon. His back propped up

by the rock he had sat on earlier, he heard the heavy footsteps of

someone running. Coming to his senses, he started to reach for his

weapon when he saw the owner of the feet was the woman he had been

dreaming about just moments before.

 

She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw him rise from the ground.

She had been running not just for the exercise, but to clear her

head. Or more precisely, to clear him from her head. She realized

she looked ridiculous standing there looking at him. He didn't know

what was in her head. Or her heart. "Sir." That word hurt a little

more each time.

 

"Carter." Ouch. His body was rebelling against his chosen 'bed' from

the previous night. Why couldn't he take his eyes off her? Why was

she so beautiful? Why couldn't he think of something to say? "You're

up early."

 

"Just out for a morning run." Taking in his appearance, she realized

he must have slept here, "I guess you didn't quite make it in last night."

 

"Not exactly." Thanks to your father. "I guess I'd better get back

and try to catch a few hours of sleep in a real bed." He winced as he

tried to straighten up.

 

"I have aspirin in my bag if you need some." It was absurd that all

she wanted to do was go over and rub her hands all over his back and

take the pain away.

 

"Thanks. I think I'll take you up on that." He started walking back

towards camp.

 

She turned around to follow him and was just a step behind when he

turned around to tell her that he could find her bag, that she should

continue jogging And then there they were. Face to face. Inches

separating their bodies. Each breathing absurdly fast and shallow for

the situation at hand. Had it been any other 2IC and CO bumping into

each other, a simple "sorry" or "excuse me" would have sufficed. For

the two of them, bumping into each other meant hours of regrets,

dreams, longings and desires dredged up again. Each misstep in their

lives- literally and figuratively- took them longer and longer to

forget. Which was really quite impossible, so they did the next best

thing. Repress. Suppress. Stifle. Anything but feel.

 

Blame it on the combined gravitational forces of the moons, or

something else entirely, but something in her broke. It was like a

branch, worn down from holding too much weight that, at first, just

bowed a little under the pressure. But then finally snapped when the

wind blew it the wrong way. Well, if she was a branch, then Jacob was

a breeze, and Jack was definitely there to break the fall. She didn't

have to raise her voice at all, neither had moved from the small space

that separated them, “Dad knows about the Zay'tarc thing." She locked

her eyes with his, waiting to see the reaction.

 

"I know. He told me last night."

 

That would explain his curious choice of sleeping places. "Oh."

 

Backing up from the close proximity that was beginning to arouse other

parts of him, he decided the easiest course of action was the most

prudent given the circumstances, "Sometimes I think the Tok'ra read

too much into situations, you know?"

 

She eyes him suspiciously, although he wasn't returning her gaze, "Do

they?"

 

If he heard the antagonism in her voice, he ignored it, "Yeah. I'm

afraid Selmak may have brought that out in Dad over these past few

years." He expected her to agree. To sweep this under the rug with

everything else. It's what they did to keep going.

 

"Really?" She didn't look convinced. In fact, her stance belied her

words.

 

He gave a nervous laugh, "Yeah, I think he could use some more time on

Earth to reacquaint himself with what it's like to be human." He was

about to start walking again-

 

"No."

 

"What?" He looked at her and saw a fierce kind of determination that

was usually reserved for battle in her face.

 

"I said no." With each word strength filled her body. More

importantly, it began to fill her soul. "Dad remembers perfectly well

what it's like to be human, and while Selmak's influence may be

apparent, I'm not sure that's a bad thing."

 

He was scared, and fear in Jack O'Neill emerged as anger, "There you

go again. Siding with *them*. Jesus, Carter, maybe you need to spend

more time on earth." He started to stomp away, glad to have created

an exit for himself that would leave an emotional distance, if not a

physical one, between them.

 

She followed step for step, not backing down, "What would be the

point, Sir?" She took a breath and summoned the courage, "It would

just mean more time together. And god knows that hasn't made *this*

any easier." She stopped walking.

 

So did he, "Care to explain what *that* means, Major?" He was afraid

he already knew.

 

A step closer to him, her voice even, her eyes focused on his, "*This*

is what we don't talk about. *This* is a whole bunch of things, mixed

together to make an impossible situation even worse." Then very

quietly, "This is the end of *that*."

 

He couldn't respond. The word 'end' had his mind swimming. "The end

of what?"

 

"Of denying and pretending and hurting. The end. I'm not doing it

anymore."

 

Okay, time to take a different tactic, "What are you talking about?"

 

"You know exactly what I'm talking about." She searched his eyes for

some recognition that he did.

 

"Just because Jacob knows about the Zay'tarc incident doesn't mean

anything has to change. It's not like he's going to talk to anyone

about it-"

 

"Get a grip, Jack. Everyone knows!" She threw up her hands in

exasperation. Was he really that dense? "Everyone on base knows.

Those security tapes have been watched more times than your Simpsons

reruns. I'm pretty sure all of the Tok'ra know by now. Our friends

know. Dad knows. General Hammond has to know."

 

She was right about that, he suspected. Hammond did know, and he was

probably hoping against odds that nothing would ever force it to the

surface before the war was over.

 

"The only people who don't seem to know are standing right here. And

even we can't be that stupid."

 

He smiled at her. More of a sarcastic grin, really, but there it was,

"You could never be stupid."

 

She smiled back in the same cynical way, "You don't know how stupid I

can be about this kind of thing."

 

"Actually, Dad told me a thing or two about that last night."

 

Her eyes grew at least twice as big as they had been a moment ago,

"What did he tell you?"

 

"Nothing, nothing. Just a father being concerned about his daughter."

Not that he could blame him. In fact, he rather liked that about him.

It reminded Jack just how human Jacob still was.

 

Becoming serious again, "I meant what I said before. I'm not doing

this anymore. I can't. I'm tired. I feel like I'm fighting two wars

all of the time. And the one with the Goa'uld and the Replicators

isn't the harder of the two. At least I know what that enemy looks like."

 

"I'm not the enemy, Sam."

 

"Well, you don't exactly feel like a friend right now either."

 

That hurt. More than she had probably intended. If he had told

himself once, he had said it a million times- if he couldn't have

anything more, he wanted to be her friend. He could at least have her

friendship. He took a step closer to her, "I will always be your

friend. No matter what." He meant that more than he had meant

anything he had said to her for a long time.

 

"And what if I want more? What if that isn't enough?"

 

Was she really saying it? This from the woman who wanted to leave it

in the room? This from the woman who reminded him beyond a shadow of

a doubt that he was still "Sir" at the end of every day? This from

the woman who kissed him back in the loop. This from the woman who

had attacked him- albeit while under the influence- just months after

they had known each other. This from the woman who, against all odds,

brought him back from Edora nine months ahead of schedule. This from

her. To him. He just stared at her, looking for a way to make it

easier on both of them. But there wasn't a way, or they would have

figured it out long before now. If she was willing to take the risks,

then so was he, "Do you? Want more?"

 

She looked at him like he was an idiot. Had he not just heard her?

 

"Okay. I guess you do." He smiled. For real this time. He looked

her straight in the eyes, "So do I."

 

If they hadn't been so still and it hadn't been so early in the

morning, before the Jaffa and Tok'ra started their training drills,

they might have missed the unmistakable sound of the Stargate

activating. As it was, they both took off for the gate, their

conversation understandably delayed for another time. Reaching their

destination, they saw Teal'c taking a note from a member of SG-8 who

then disappeared back through the gate. Slightly out of breath, Jack

motioned to the piece of paper that Teal'c was holding effectively

asking what was in it. Teal'c bowed his head and handed it to Jack.

 

Jack read the note without emotion and then looked back up at Teal'c,

keeping his eyes away from her, "SG-1 pack up."

 

"Sir?" She would have questioned the sudden changes of plans in any

situation, but this was a little odd to say the least.

 

"That's an order, Major." He was as calm as could be.

 

That was as frightening as any army of Jaffa. Retreating to gather

their things, Sam and Teal'c looked at each other with obvious

concern. Jacob didn't miss a beat, and followed Sam. At her side, he

asked quietly, "What do you think that was about?"

 

"I honestly don't have any idea."

 

 

Too familiar. That's the only thought that makes its way through his

head. If he thinks about anything else, he'll cry. He knows it.

Janet knows it. And if she were awake, she'd know it. Therein lies

the problem. She's not awake. And is she were, then he wouldn't need

to cry. The lights are dim- what time is it anyway? What does it

matter? It's too familiar-this waiting and watching.

 

She's still lying there, and the last thing he can actually remember

with any kind of clarity is the last conversation they had. Before

they left the Alpha site. Before she was abducted by Ba'al on the

mission they had been summoned for. Before he had to go and get her.

Alone. Talk about being against regulations. But then, he was never

a by-the-book kind of guy anyway. That was her thing. He would

rather have ripped the pages from the binding and use them for

kindling. But then, at the end, she had been ready to burn the book,

too. Or at least that's what he'd like to think she meant. They

never really got a chance to talk about it. That's a little too

familiar, too.

 

And then he sees it. Almost imperceptible at first. Almost. But he

would recognize her movements anywhere. However small, however

seemingly insignificant. There is never a part of her actions that

isn't tuned for efficiency; isn't meant for something. Even if most

people don't understand, he does. Well, he doesn't always, but he's

trying. And getting better at it after almost 6 years. She does it

again- the fingers on her right hand start to flex. As if trying to

make sure they still work, making sure she can feel them. The staff

blast hit her hard. Several bruised ribs, and Janet mentioned more

than once that she was lucky she didn't have any internal bleeding.

Very lucky. He already knew that.

 

Hours later, she is moving her fingers, hands, arms (although not too

much). Toes and feet and legs all seem to be in working order. Her

mind is getting sharper, her breathing more regular and easy. Teal'c

and Jonas have come and gone. Nurses have been in and out. And now

she's starting to drift off again. Her eyes wander to where he sits

before she falls asleep, and she sighs, and smiles. He's still there.

Waiting and watching.

 

Is it morning again? It must be; the lights have been turned up some

as if to mimic the sunrise they can never see this far down. To keep

their internal clocks on some kind of schedule. He's looking forward

to that the most- seeing sunrises and sunsets on earth. Okay, well

it's not what he's looking forward to the most, but he's hoping he'll

be able to share it with her sometimes. When she's not off world,

without him. More waiting and watching await him, he knows. But it

will be different. So different.

 

Her eyes open, not as drowsily as the day before. She looks for him

first. And he's there. Not one to disappoint, he's smiling at her.

She returns the smile- much brighter than yesterday, "Hey."

 

"Hey."

 

She looks at him. There's something different. Lighter, somehow.

Easier. More relaxed. Then it hits her. He's in jeans. And a

flannel shirt. "Did General Hammond revise the dress code while I was

gone? It wasn't that long." Why does she feel nervous all of a

sudden?

 

He's still smiling. Shaking his head that the first comment out of

her mouth is a joke. Did she pick that up from him? Probably. And

he likes it. No, he *loves* it. "I thought you might appreciate a

change of scenery. I was getting kind of tired of all the green

around here, weren't you?"

 

She chuckles a little, and is reminded of why she's in there. Oh,

right, ribs. Bruised. Ow. But she doesn't lose her train of

thought, "I kind of liked it, actually." She's looking right at him

as the smile fades from her face.

 

He knew she'd know, and he guesses the sooner the better, really.

"Well, there's still plenty of khaki to go around. I just won't be

wearing it." He looks back at her. Waiting and watching again. For

a reaction.

 

Her eyes don't leave his, "Why?"

 

He breaks eye contact and summons the strength he has left- he's

exhausted from the past few days, "Let's just say that coming to get

you wasn't exactly a mission that Hammond authorized."

 

She knew. She knew the minute he showed up without Teal'c and Jonas

looking like he hadn't showered or eaten or slept for days. She knew

somewhere inside that he wasn't really supposed to be there. She knew

the rules- you don't send people out on a suicide mission. And

getting into Ba'al's hideout was just that. The only person who stood

a chance was the one person who had some idea of what he was dealing

with. Of how Ba'al operated. Of what he wanted. But Hammond

wouldn't be willing to sacrifice any one team member for another. So,

Jack made the choice for him. He stopped being military and asked to

be allowed to retire off world. Hammond knew he didn't have any

intention of actually retiring, but just like he had done a few dozen

times before, he looked the other way. If Jack came back with Carter,

then the world hadn't lost one of its best soldiers and scientists.

And that was the only option. There wasn't any "If Jack came back

*without* Carter" because he wouldn't come back without her. He would

either save her or die trying. And Hammond sure as hell didn't want

to know about that.

 

And despite herself, she's glad. Really, really happy actually. The

kind of joy that reaches her soul. He quit. For her. To save her.

What she doesn't know is that he did it to save himself, too. If

there was any inkling of hero-worship going on inside her before, she

knows there's a lot now. As much as her feminist side might object,

what woman doesn't love the idea of being swept away on a white horse

by her prince? Okay, so there wasn't a horse, and she's not sure if

anyone would characterize Jack O'Neill as a prince, but the sentiment

is still there. He left everything behind to come and get her. And

he didn't care about the consequences.

 

Holy. Hannah. That's the difference. Not his clothes, not just that

he's not part of SG-1 anymore. But that there aren't any more

consequences. If she could jump out of bed, jump him, she would. And

it would be okay. It would be more than okay. It would be fun.

Well, it always would have been fun, but now it could be *really* fun.

She smiles knowingly at him. "Well, to tell you the truth, you look

much better in flannel."

 

He relaxes. She doesn't hate him. He really thought she could. For

leaving his command. For risking his life for hers. For breaking

down the wall that separated them for so long. "And you look great in

that hospital gown." She really does. He should go now. It's only

because he brought back one of the smartest people on earth that

Hammond even allowed him to stay on base this long. Although he did

ask to see Jack before he left, "Hammond wants to see me."

 

She nods. She can't even begin to guess how hard this must be for

him. To not be a part of all of this anymore. She knows she couldn't

take it. But then, they're very different people, "Will you be back

later?" She really wants him to, she realizes.

 

"I don't know, but I will ask Teal'c to keep an eye on you." He walks

up to the side of her bed. He absent-mindedly starts playing with the

edge of the blanket.

 

She stills his hand with hers, "Thank you."

 

"It was nothin'." To him, it really wasn't. It was the only option

to save them both.

 

Part 5

 

As he walked toward Hammond's office, he tried to recall with a little

more clarity how exactly that he came to be in this situation. Not

three days ago, he was spending the early hours of the morning sitting

on a rock at the Alpha site trying to decode what Jacob had said to

him about Sam. Then hours later, the note came through the Stargate-

Ba'al had been spotted. After fleeing his fortress during Yu's attack

months before, the Tok'ra had their spies looking out for him. One of

their operatives had sent word back that Ba'al's forces were

re-establishing headquarters, but that before all of the defenses and

weapons were in place, he was vulnerable. Vulnerable for a System

Lord, anyway. SG-1 was called from the Alpha site for the mission:

destroy Ba'al's new hideout, and preferably, Ba'al as well. Jack's

'experience' with Ba'al was invaluable in this kind of situation. And

it was only after putting away his own fears that Jack realized they

may never have this chance again.

 

So, they gated to the planet after the MALP showed no one was guarding

the gate. That made sense- if there weren't enough Jaffa to serve

Ba'al inside the fortress, guarding the gate would be a low priority.

Jack remembered laughing to himself that the arrogance of the Goa'uld

would be their downfall. He guessed that Ba'al really didn't think

anyone could know where he had relocated. Certainly not anyone of

consequence anyway.

 

He didn't have long to laugh as they emerged on the other side of the

wormhole to a dozen Jaffa running toward them, weapons charged. They

managed to take cover and wipe out more than half, but just as Sam had

dialed out, she was hit with a staff blast. The remaining Jaffa were

already surrounding her as Teal'c and Jonas dragged Jack across the

threshold, narrowly missing being hit themselves.

 

As Jack stepped into the elevator, he noticed his heart racing just

remembering the scene. The feeling of terror of not knowing if he

left her alive or not. Of knowing he left her at all. Almost being

more scared that she was still alive and being brought back to Ba'al.

The very thing that had kept Jack from telling Ba'al about Shalan was

the knowledge that he would do to her what he had done to Jack. And

Jack hadn't even known her. He just had a vague memory of her, a

memory that belonged to Kanan. He couldn't even think about what

Ba'al would do to Sam. He *had* to go back.

 

As he traced the same steps he made that day from the infirmary to

Hammond's office, he remembered the familiar feeling of absolutely

certainty. He had never been more sure of an action in his life.

Well, that wasn't exactly true. In battle, on missions, in the field,

he had made thousands of decisions with this kind of certainty. But

not in life. Jack O'Neill was perpetually second guessing the

decisions he made in life, and that's what this was. It went beyond

getting a teammate back. He was so far past just "caring" for her

that he could hardly remember what that had felt like. This was love,

and it had been for longer than even he knew. Especially him.

 

So, he pitched his idea to Hammond- they fly in. Ba'al hadn't

detected Yu's attack by air the first time, so maybe that was his

weakness. And it was also Jack's strength. SG-1 and some Tok'ra

would pilot themselves just close enough to do some damage, and then

Jack would go in on foot and find Sam. He knew the patterns of the

guards and the way things worked, or at least the way they worked in

the old fortress. It was as sound a plan as there could be in such a

short time. And time was what they didn't have a lot of. Jack knew as

soon as Sam woke up that Ba'al would start his torture. He had to get

there.

 

Some part of him knew that Hammond would deny his request. It was

suicide to send anyone in. They had no idea what Ba'al was capable

of; he had tricked them at the gate the first time. He would be

waiting for them now. They didn't have the advantage, and as much as

Jack knew Hammond hated saying it, they couldn't afford the risk of

losing anyone else. So, Jack went to his office, typed up his notice,

walked back to Hammond's office, and asked to retire off world. He

looked Hammond straight in the eye as Hammond accepted the paper and

nodded. Five minutes later, with a duffel full of zats and grenades

and ammo, Jack stepped through the gate for what could be the last

time. He didn't say good-bye to anyone. Teal'c would understand.

And Jonas, well, Jack didn't actually think about him much. He would

be fine.

 

Jack gated to Argos just long enough to turn around and dial out to

the Alpha site. He knew if he told Jacob what Ba'al was capable of,

that he would enlist the Tok'ra's help. He was right. He was a

father, after all, and his daughter was in more danger than ever

before. As it turned out, Jack's plan worked pretty much as he had

hoped. The Tok'ra forces disabled Ba'al's defenses rather easily from

the air, and Jack literally slipped in the front door. The few Jaffa

that were scurrying around were more interested in protecting their

god than noticing him, and he found Sam after only a few wrong turns.

She appeared to be uninjured, although they weren't making small

talk. Once outside, a few Jaffa spotted them and starting firing.

She got hit, again, and with the knowledge that he would either make

it to the glider Jacob was waiting for them in, or die trying, he ran.

Faster than he had ever run before. Even with his bad knee. Even

carrying her. He had never before believed in those 'superhero'

strength stories that were on cable TV shows late at night. You know,

the kind where some woman is watching her daughter drown and even

though she has never swum before, she jumps in and drags them both to

safety. Or where some guy who has never lifted weights a day in his

life suddenly lifts the back of a car off of his friend who is trapped

underneath. But now he does. Because now it's him. Running faster

than he *can*. And then they're safe. She's safe. Injured, but

there's a pulse. Unconscious, but she's breathing. She's alive, and

now he is again, too.

 

Standing in front of the door that reads 'General Hammond' he is

quiet. His heart stopped racing a few steps ago. His palms aren't

sweaty and his mind is clear. The mission was a success. He brought

her back alive. Ba'al never had the time to torture her. And

everyone is happy. Even Jack. He traded his career for her life. It

wasn't a fair trade, of course. He was ready to give up his career

for her long ago. He's glad that he waited; it could never have meant

this much before now.

 

Part 6

 

 

Two taps on the door elicited an immediate response from the occupant

of the office, "Come."

 

Entering the spacious room, Jack was a little surprised to find a

smiling Jacob Carter sitting across from General Hammond.  Jack

couldn't help but smile himself.  The absurdity of the situation hit

him as his sat in equal view of Jacob and Hammond: across from him was

his former CO who knew, possibly before anyone else, that the feelings

he had for *his* former 2IC were more than strictly professional; next

to him is the father of said former 2IC who was possibly the last

to figure out (except for Jack) that those feelings were reciprocated

and fell somewhere in the area of love and lightening bolts.  Forced

to admit that things didn't work out too badly, Jack considered himself

lucky that both men, whom he respects more than most, are still

speaking to him.

 

"Doctor Fraiser called a few minutes ago to let us know that Major

Carter will make a full recovery."  General Hammond's face is full of

relief and genuine satisfaction at the turn of events that led them

all back to safety.  "Jacob was just filling me in on the details of

the rescue mission- it sounds like your plan worked after all, son."

 

Jack saw the smiling eyes and heard the southern drawl that conveyed,

more than words, how pleased he really was that things had worked out.

 "Thank you, Sir."

 

"Jack, George and I were just discussing how important the development

of the Alpha site is going to be, not only for future Tok'ra and Jaffa

relations, but also as a military base for earth in the event that..."

 Jacob didn't need to finish that sentence; all three of them knew

that earth was safe for the moment, but who knew how long that would

last?

 

Not sure where this was heading, Jack decided to wait for one of them

to continue.

 

He didn't need to guess for long- General Hammond drew a breath and

continued where Jacob left off, "I understand you may have recently

made some retirement plans."

 

A quick glance at Jacob confirmed Jack's suspicions that he had told

General Hammond about the conversation at the Alpha site, "Lots of

fishing, Sir.  Lots and lots of fishing."  He couldn't contain the

smile that had rooted itself in his heart just a little while ago.

 

"Well, I would hate to deny you the pleasure of... fishing-"

 

"Wait- are you talking about the place that Teal'c told us all didn't

actually have fish?"  Jacob was amused at the younger man sitting next

to him.  Sam could have done a lot worse.  A lot worse.

 

"Teal'c missed the point.  It's about *fishing*, not the fish."  He

shook his head to accentuate his point that Teal'c missed the

intention of their trip.

 

"Oh, I see."  He didn't, but he was getting more used to that where

Jack was concerned.

 

"Look, son, I don't want to interfere with your plans, and god knows

you've earned your retirement, but we think that the Alpha site needs

a leader.  Someone who has the knowledge and experience of dealing

with the Goa'uld-"

 

"And someone that both the Jaffa and the Tok'ra respect,"  Jacob

interjected.

 

Jack got where they were headed.  Someone like him.  As flattered as

he was, and he really was, this plan didn't leave much time for...

fishing.  He also knew himself well enough to know that once the

novelty of 'fishing' wore off (granted, that may be a *long* time), he

would get bored.  And if that didn't drive him crazy, it would surely

drive her nuts.  Why did it always have to be this or that, one or the

other?  If he was at the Alpha site all of the time, he would never

see her, and frankly, he wanted to see her.  A lot.  If he wasn't at

the Alpha site, then they would see each other, but maybe too much.

Damn!  "What are you suggesting, Sir?"

 

"I have the authority to offer you a civilian position as the USAF

representative to the Alpha site.  You would work a fairly normal

schedule, consulting as needed, and overseeing the progression of

relations with our allies there as well as having input into the

development of military operations from the site, when and if they

become necessary."

 

Jack was still back at a 'normal schedule.'  He had to hand it to

George- he was trying to make this as attractive as possible.  A real

job, one that was needed, but still time for a life.  He wondered how

much influence Jacob had had in this scheme?  Who cared?  Jack had

certainly done enough for his country, hell the world!  He had earned

a break, although he couldn't help but wonder what kind of paperwork

this job would entail.  He lifted his eyes to find both men staring at

him, almost holding their breaths as they waited for his response.

But it wasn't just his decision to make anymore.  At least he hoped

not. "Can I have a few days to think about it?"

 

"Of course.  I understand from Doctor Fraiser that Major Carter will

be out of commission for 4-6 weeks.  Why don't you take some of that

time to go... fishing?"

 

Jack had never seen General Hammond try so hard to hold back a

chuckle.  Jacob wasn't as successful, maybe that was Selmak's doing.

"I'll do that, Sir.  Dismissed?"  He wasn't hanging around to be the

object of their laughter, however warm the sentiment was.  Not when

there was somewhere else to be, someone else to be with.

 

General Hammond nodded.  Jacob couldn't resist getting in the last

word, "Just remember, Jack, if you take the job, we'll be seeing a lot

of each other."

 

Time for a dose of his own medicine, "I'll be looking forward to that,

*Dad*."

 

Jack walked out just as Jacob turned silent and George burst out

laughing.

 

After Jack closed the door, George regained his composure and looked

across the desk to his friend who was still a little pale.

 

"*Dad*?"

 

"Jake, he calls you that all of the time!"

 

"Yeah, but he meant something more this time, and you know it."

 

Putting his serious General face back on, Hammond asked, "And this

really bothers you?"

 

"Yes!"  Then a minute later, "No.  Well, maybe."

 

"Look, if this conversation had been happening five years ago, I would

be the first to tell you to get your daughter far away from Jack.  But

we both know he's not the same man he was then.  And while I

understand as a father you may not want to hear it, Sam's a big

part of the reason why."

 

"That's just it. It's her specialty, healing wounded animals.  And I

think you would agree with me that he certainly has his share of

injuries- inside and out."

 

George nodded his agreement, but he wasn't done making his point, "He

loves her, you know.  And you told me not an hour ago that you're

pretty sure she feels the same way."

 

Jacob waited to hear where his friend was heading before interrupting

with one of the hundred "but" statements that kept entering his mind.

 

"Like it or not, they are probably going to try and make a go of this

'thing' they've got.  I would hate to think there is anyone who would

try to stop them - however well meaning their intentions."  George

looked straight at Jacob, "They've earned this, Jake, let them try for

a little piece of happiness that was taken away from us all too soon."

 

He got the point.  Sam hadn't had a lot of love in her life- first her

mom dying when she was so young, then dealing with a father who

couldn't cope with his own grief, then Jonas - enough said there.  And

now Jack O'Neill.  George was right, they had more than earned their

chance at happiness.  Jacob new damned well that without Jack, Ba'al

would be doing unmentionable things to his daughter right now.  Hell,

without Jack, she would have died a long time ago on any number of

missions.  Of course the reverse was also true.  And there it was.

Light as day.  They were a team.  Jacob trusted Jack with his

daughter's life; now he had to trust him with her heart.   Easier said

than done, but they did deserve a chance, and he certainly wouldn't

stand in their way.  He smiled, "You know, I've never had a son-in-law

before..."

 

"Trust me.  There are all *kinds* of ways to make them miserable-

embarrassing them, telling bad jokes, making sure they know they're

not good enough for your little girl.  It's fun once you get the hang

of it." 

 

"I really do like that guy, it's just..."

 

"He's going to have sex with your daughter?"  George filled in the

blank for him.

 

"Something like that."

 

"There's usually one good thing that comes out of that, if you're

lucky."

 

"There is?  Enlighten me."  Jacob really couldn't imagine that.  NO,

didn't *want* to imagine that.

 

"Grandbabies, Jacob, grandbabies."

 

His smile couldn't be bigger.  Of course - the reason they were

fighting this war to begin with.  "Maybe they'll look like me."  He

puffed out his chest like a proud peacock.

 

Smoothing his hand over his friend's bald head, George admitted, "They

will in the beginning, old friend."

 

Finally, the two men laughed together.  He had been right before, Sam

could do a lot worse than Jack O'Neill.  A lot worse.

 

 

Part 7

 

Jack practically bounded back toward the infirmary.  His mind was racing faster than his body could keep up, especially at forty-*something*.  Hammond had offered him a chance to keep a hand in what was going on at the SGC- a tempting offer, which is precisely what the General had intended, he guessed.  No, make that General*s*.  He was glad Jacob knew at least a part of what was going on with him and Sam.  It was strange how this family they had formed was able to function: Hammond was like a father figure, and so was Jacob (although with Selmak, maybe he was a mother of sorts, too); Teal'c was like an older - much older - protective brother; Jonas was the wide-eyed, curious one; Jack was the funny, twisted one that bound them all together, and then there was Sam.  A daughter, like a sister, a friend, a co-worker, and so much more.  What could you call someone that everyone admired and wanted to be around?  Someone that brought light and compassion to every situation.  It didn't escape Jack's attention that everyone she walked by greeted her, even off-base.  On the rare occasions they were all out together, he saw men and women alike smile at her, watching her, making small-talk with her.  If she was infectious, then he was definitely happy to be infected.  His thoughts came to an abrupt halt along with his feet as he walked into the infirmary to find the bed Sam had occupied before now empty.  Finding Janet first, he tried to keep his anxiety in check,  "Hi, Doc.  Where's Carter?"

 

"She's getting a sponge bath."

 

"Ah."  The mental picture was enough to keep his mind going for-

 

"I think I can release her tomorrow assuming her wounds continue to heal overnight without any signs of infection."

 

"Good, good." His mind still on the sponge bath...

 

"She'll need some help though.  No bending or lifting.  And she can't get the bandages wet."

 

"Uh huh."  He continued to half-listen as Janet recited medication instructions to him when his mind finally cleared enough to ask, "Why are you telling me all of this?"

 

She hesitated for a second, but decided to get straight to the point, "I just assumed that you would be helping Sam out when she was discharged.  She's going to be out of commission for about 4 weeks."

 

"Oh, right."  That.  The reality hit him like a jolt of electricity.  Almost six years of dreaming of a time when he could be with her.  Hundreds of fantasies.  Thousands of words never spoken.  Millions of thoughts and emotions repressed.  They could all come to the surface now.  Free to bask in the light of day.  Unrestrained.  Unbound.  And damn if he wasn't overjoyed.  Not a word normally associated with Jack O'Neill, but that was actually how he felt.  That, and completely and utterly terrified.

 

"Sir?"  Janet studied his face and watched as emotions played his features.  She sensed a change in him.

 

"Nothing, nothing.  Just trying to remember what you said, that's all."

 

Yeah, right, "It's all written on the label.  The important thing is just to call if something happens or she starts to feel worse."

 

He could do that. 

 

Turning around to set Sam's chart on her desk, she decided to have a heart-to-heart with Jack O'Neill.  Not an easy task given that she suspected he would rather her stick needles in his butt than talk about feelings, but Sam was her friend, and she felt like she had to say something, "Colonel?"

 

"Hmm?"  He started to play with a pen on her desk.  Pulling the cap on and off. On and off.  On and-

 

"Can we talk for a minute?"

 

"I thought that's what we were doing."

 

"About Sam."

 

"Look, Doc, just write it all down, and I'll make sure she gets the right-"

 

"I'm not talking about her meds, Colonel.  I'm talking about *her*."  That got his attention. 

 

Putting the pen back on her desk, he looked into her eyes, indicating she should continue.

 

Inhaling deeply, "I know these past few days have been... hard... for everyone."  Not sensing a forthcoming response, she continued, "I understand why you did what you did, but it couldn't have been an easy thing to-"

 

"I've almost retired dozens of times before.  This was just the time I actually signed the paper and took it to Hammond."  His eyes looked down toward his shoes.

 

"Colonel, I'm not questioning your motives.  In fact, I think you did the right thing."

 

His head jerked up, "You do?"  He often wondered what she really thought about him.  As scary as she could be, she was a damn good doctor, and an even better friend.

 

"Yes, I do.  Not only did you save my friend's life, but I think the strain of not..."  She searched for the right words, but they weren't there, "Of not being able to - well, express her feelings about certain things, was beginning to wear her down."  Phew!  It was hard to dance around it all of the time.

 

"Oh."  His gaze descended toward the ground again.

 

"All I'm trying to say is that it's a lot for you both to take in, and I imagine you're both going to need time to adjust to this new... situation.  Just give it the time it needs.  Give *her* time."

 

"I don't think there's anyone more capable of handling this, or any other, situation, better than Carter.  She'll bounce back before you know it."

 

"I'm not talking about her injuries, Colonel.  At least not the ones you can see."

 

"She told me that Ba'al hadn't-"  He looked absolutely terrified.  Had he missed her lying to him?  He had wanted so badly to believe she was telling him the truth.

 

"He didn't.  Really.  I know that Sam is strong and will make it through whatever comes along."

 

"Then what?"  He was getting more irritated by the minute of this conversation.  What the hell was she trying to tell him?

 

"Just that she's lost a lot in her life.  It's hard for her to let people in all the way."  She smiled at him, "Like someone else I know."

 

He smiled back and then sighed, "I think I see where you're going with this, Doc."

 

"You do?"

 

"Something along the lines of 'Hurt her, and I'll stick needles in your butt every day for the rest of your life.'"

 

"Well, I wouldn't have put it quite that way, but that's close enough.  You're my friend, too, you know.  I don't want to see either of you unhappy."

 

"Me either."

 

"Good.  Then we agree."

 

"We do?"

 

"Yeah- you take care of her, or I'll take care of you!"

 

"Sounds fair."

 

"What sounds fair?"  A third voice interrupted their conversation.

 

Janet responded to her freshly bathed friend first, "That we should order pizza in tonight, and the Colonel is buying." 

 

Sam shook her head at the look on Jack's face as his gaze followed Janet out of the room, "What did you get in return?"  She wondered what they had really been talking about.

 

She was smiling at him in the way he had seen so many times before. It was the same, but it was different, too.  So was he.  Everything around him looked the same but felt different.  That was it -there was the answer to her question.  He had it all now - "Everything."

 

Part 8

 

Thanks to Janet's pain medication, her thoughts came in disconnected

waves.  Seemingly coherent one moment, they tricked her in a

convoluted pattern of emotion and logic the next until she was forced

to just lie back and rest.  Eyes half-open, her mind was still trying

to make order from the chaos that the activities of the last few days

had brought into her life. 

 

She wasn't sure which seemed the oddest piece of information- all but

admitting to her father that she was in love with her CO, admitting to

her CO that she had those kinds of feelings for him, or the

declaration from him in return.   The affirmation of his feelings for

her had been more than their shared conversation at sunrise at the

Alpha Site- it was in his actions during the days that followed.  In

typical Jack O'Neill fashion, actions spoke louder than words.  And

there was the point at which her drug-induced mind was stuck.   He had

retired to rescue her, but now he had the option of going back to work,

albeit in a different way.  That he wasn't jumping at the chance

confused the hell out of her. 

 

Trying to form a clear picture of the conversation he had initiated

after dinner, before he left to get some sleep in his own bed, Sam

opened her eyes and stared at the wall in front of her.  Focusing on a

landscape picture that hung crooked opposite the bed, her eyes glazed

over a bit as she recalled his face and his voice while relaying the

generous invitation that Hammond had extended to him.  Civilian

liaison.  Alpha Site.  As needed.  There were no two ways about it: it

was a perfect job for him, and the job needed to be filled.  So why

was he so hesitant?  Why hadn't he jumped on the offer the minute it

was made?  Why did it feel like he was asking for her permission?  She

snorted at her own thoughts; Jack O'Neill asking for permission for

anything- even when he should- was rare.  So, why was he so

apprehensive earlier?  Even with her foggy thoughts, she knew she had

to sort this out before any kind of peaceful sleep would descend on

her that night.  Reaching over to the phone that rested next to the light on the nightstand, she dialed the number she had memorized years before and waited for the answer she knew would come.

 

"O'Neill."

 

"Hope I didn't wake you."

 

"You didn't."  She had, but he didn't care.

 

"I'm a little loopy right now, so sorry in advance if I don't make a

lot of sense."

 

"Don't worry- I don't notice if you're not making sense usually

anyway."

 

She could see the smile from across town, "I'm going to take that as a

compliment."

 

"It was intended as one."  Why did he sound so serious even to his own

ears?  He wanted nothing more than to be back in that infirmary with

her.  But he had needed sleep, and he wanted her to get some without

feeling like he was watching her, which he was.  So, why was she

talking to him instead of sleeping?  "Is something wrong?"

 

"I couldn't stop thinking."

 

"Ah."  Nothing unusual there, except that she didn't usually call him

to tell him that.  She didn't usually call him at all.  But then, he

had never been retired before.  Well, he had, but not since he had

known her.  Except for the few seconds in the loop.  He might just

tell her about that one day soon...  "About what?"

 

"About when you were here earlier.  Talking about the job General

Hammond offered you."

 

Secretly, he was pleased she had been thinking about it.  Not that he

wanted to keep her up at night, well he did, but not because she was

thinking.  "What about it?"

 

"I guess if I were in your shoes, I would have jumped at the chance. I

wouldn't have even needed to think about it."

 

"We're different people, Carter."  Oops- he was really trying to get

rid of the whole Colonel/Major/Carter/Sir thing they did.  It was hard

to break the habit.

 

"I know that, but..."

 

"But what?"

 

"It seemed like you were trying to feel me out.  About what I

thought."  This had to be the influence of the drugs.  She would never

have said that to him.  At least Major Carter wouldn't have said that

to Colonel O'Neill.  This was Sam talking to Jack, and she had no idea

how he was going to respond.  Maybe the drugs were a good thing for

now.

 

"I was."

 

Oh.  That was simple, but, "Why?"

 

"I just thought you might have an opinion about it."  She had an

opinion about everything, and to say that he was surprised she hadn't

expressed one earlier when he told her about the offer was an

understatement.  To say he was disappointed would have been more

accurate.

 

"I appreciate that you wanted my input."  She really did.

 

"But?"

 

"But it's your decision."

 

Why did that feel like a slap in the face?  "Yeah, I guess it is."

 

Why did he sound so defeated all of a sudden?  This wasn't getting

them anywhere, and she felt groggier with each passing minute, "I'm

not sure how many lucid thoughts are left in me right now, but-"

 

"Then you should get some sleep."  He sounded like her father and

winced at the tone he had just used with her.

 

"Not yet.  Not until I'm satisfied with-"

 

"With what?"

 

"If you would stop interrupting me maybe I could finish."  She sounded

angrier than she felt.  She felt desperate- like something important

was slipping away.

 

"Sorry."

 

Maybe the truth was what would work here, "I'm scared."

 

Now there were two words he hadn't heard from her in a long time, if

ever.  This woman did not scare easily.  In fact, he had no idea what

could scare her right now. She was safe- they all were.  "Of what?"

 

"Of losing something I don't even have yet."

 

He was not following her, and he wondered if the drugs had kicked in

full force, "What?"

 

"I feel like *this* is slipping away, and I don't even know why."

 

He didn't need her to elaborate on what "this" was.  He wished for the

umpteenth time in his life that he could just say what he was feeling,

but he couldn't.  How do you tell the woman you love that you want her

to share in the decisions you make about your future?  He hoped it was

*their* future, and that's what scared him.  That she wasn't thinking

about it like that.  She still saw him as her former CO who had been

given the chance at another job in the SGC.  He wanted her to be

concerned with how the decision would impact them, either way, and all

she saw was the impact of the job on the fight against the Goa'uld.

But that was what he loved about her, too- her dedication to the

cause.  That was something they had shared from the beginning- maybe

for different reasons at first, but now they were united in a shared

purpose.  That was it, he guessed, they were in the war together for

so long, that she didn't know how not to think of that first.  He

might have been the same way had he not been given a dose of reality

earlier in his life.  And a chance at happiness, even though it was

lost for a while.  He knew there was more to it than "the cause."

Maybe that's why he was part of her life now- to show her there was

something else beyond work, beyond the SGC.  If that was his task, he

was failing miserably at it.  Instead of showing her that there was

more waiting for her outside of the mountain, he was making her feel

like she was losing something indefinable, something infinitely more

important than anything either one of them had had a chance at before.

 If he had been with her in person, he wasn't sure if he would have

said it, but he couldn't see her face, and that made him feel safer

somehow.  More removed from the possibility of rejection.  So, he took

in a deep breath, needlessly closed his eyes, and ended the silence

that had descended on the line since she had last spoken, "I'm scared,

too."

 

"Of what?"

 

"Of losing you."  His breath was still in his chest, waiting for her

response.

 

"I don't understand what that has to do with the offer from Hammond."

 

He blew out his breath.  How could someone so smart miss this

entirely?  "It has everything to do with it!"  He was sitting upright

in bed, more frustrated than angry, but his tone was harsh, "Whether

or not I take the job will impact my future.  I had hoped you would

want to have a stake in that, too."

 

"What difference would it make to me whether or not you take the job?"

 

"You don't care either way?  Whether I do it or not?"  His voice was

rising.

 

"Of course I care, but I don't want to influence your decision."

 

"I want you to influence my decision!  How could you not?"

 

She didn't have an answer for that.  He obviously didn't have any idea

the guilt that had been racing in and out of her mind and heart every

minute since she had woken up in the infirmary.  He had given up too

much for her- the SGC needed him more than, or at least as much as,

her.  She wasn't going to ask him not to take this job just because

she would worry about his safety.  She had worried about that before-

it was nothing new.  On the other hand, she didn't want to tell him to

take it just because she thought it was the right thing for him to do.

 How would she know what that was?    The problem was that he was

mistaking her lack of opinion as indifference, when it was really

anything but.  There was so much she wanted to say about it that she

had thought it best to say nothing and let him reach his own

conclusion.  That had obviously been a mistake, and she wasn't sure

how to fix it.  "Alright, let me rephrase that.  I don't want you to

do something that you'll regret later because I asked you to.  Once is

enough down that road."

 

Kanan.  He could admit that he certainly regretted that more than a

time or two.  But he had done it for more of a reason than because she

had asked him to.  Not much more.  But there was more, and he knew she

didn't feel such omnipotence over him as to not be aware of his other

motives.   He felt quieter now.  So she did have an opinion, but she

didn't want to unduly influence him.  Maybe she knew him better than

he knew himself because he was pretty sure he would consider whatever

she thought best as the standard against which to judge all other

arguments.  So, he had to convince her, and himself, that he wouldn't

let that happen.  That he would take her opinion and consider it as an

equal of his own and a few others.  This wasn't like when he was sick

and didn't have any other options besides death.  In fact, this was

about life- his and hers. Theirs *together*.  "Look,  I'm not going to

pretend that your opinion doesn't mean a hell of a lot to me, but

there are a lot of things I need to consider to make this decision

work.  I guess I would just like to know that ..."

 

"That what?"  She was fighting to stay awake now- grateful that calm

had been restored between them for the moment.

 

"That you'll be there either way."  There was that breath again-

caught in his chest.  Waiting for her answer.

 

"Where else would I be?"  She was losing the battle for consciousness.

As she nestled back under the covers, closing her eyes, his voice

was the last thing she heard before she remembered to turn the phone

off.

 

"Goodnight, Sam."  Finally letting go of his breath, he turned off his

own phone and went back to sleep.  It might just be a good night after

all.

 

Part 9

 

This was it.  The last stroll down the now familiar hallways of the

SGC.  Such a different feeling from the first time he walked the long

corridors.  Now, every face had a name; every door held a purpose;

every turn conjured up a memory.  And now he was on his way to tell

General Hammond that he was retired for good. 

 

Not that he hadn't thought about it- a lot.  But he was ready to get

off the roller coaster.  He wanted some peace in his life.  He knew

that the teams the SGC had now were as capable as any that had come

before in winning the war.  They didn't need him or his bad knee.

They needed young blood, smart minds and enthusiasm.  Like Carter.  He

was doing this for himself, and for her, too.  He wanted them to have

a chance together where at least one of them wasn't risking their

lives everyday.  He hadn't told her about his decision yet- mostly

because he knew she really thought he should take the position, but

also because he just wanted a few minutes to himself to say goodbye to

the place.  The commissary, the embarkation room, the infirmary: he

wasn't actually sure where he had spent the most time.  Well, Sam's

lab was probably a close contender, but she was there now, and he

would stop by after his meeting.

 

He hadn't really realized he was at General Hammond's office until he

heard the sound of his own hand knocking at the door.  He turned the

knob as the familiar "Come" rang out.

 

"Sir."

 

"Jack- welcome back.  The place hasn't been quite the same without you

these past few weeks."

 

"It looks... gray as always, Sir."

 

The General shook his head, "I'm glad to hear that Doctor Fraiser has

cleared Major Carter for gate travel starting Monday."

 

"No one is more happy about that than I am."  Sam Carter on sick leave

was not a happy camper.  Well, he had been able to make her happy *some* of the time, but even he couldn't keep certain activities up 24 hours a day.

 

"So, son, what did you come to tell me?"

 

Jack took in a deep breath.  He wasn't looking forward to

disappointing the man across from him.  He was briefly spared the

task, however, as the klaxons rang out followed by the usual statement

of the obvious, "Incoming wormhole!"

 

Hammond and Jack rushed to the control room in time to discover it was

the Tok'ra.  Jack silently cursed his luck that now he would have an

even bigger audience when he turned the job down.  Of course, the

particular Tok'ra that happened to visit earth that day would have to

be Jacob Carter.  Who else?

 

Still a little slower than normal due to her recovering injuries, Sam

made it down to see her father after the General and Jack.  She was

surprised to see Jack on base, but didn't have time to contemplate

that as Selmak spoke, "One of our operatives sent word that there is a

war brewing among two powerful system lords.  This could be the chance

we have been waiting for."

 

No one needed an explanation- if two system lords were busy fighting

each other, battle lines would have to be draw, alliances would be

forged.  A perfect opportunity for planting false rumors and diverting

attention away for the armies of the Tok'ra and the Jaffa.  This

really could be the break they needed.

 

As Jack contemplated the situation, his eyes looked up to find that

the three people in front of him were staring.  At him.  He knew what

they were waiting for- was he in this or wasn't he?  Would he take

charge of the Alpha site now that it would be a critical base?  Or

would he step aside and take a chance at happiness that no one would

begrudge him?  Not five minutes ago, he knew what the answer was.  But

now, looking at the people he cared about - no, loved - and listening

to the footsteps approaching behind him that he knew belonged to

Teal'c and Jonas without even turning around, his mind changed.

 

It was a payback, really, for an earlier time when he thought his life

was over.  When he *wanted* his life to be over.  And then there was

Abydos.  And Skaara.  And Daniel Jackson. The Stargate had saved him

from himself then, and he was given a second chance. Not just at a

career, but at happiness, with friends - a family really - that

trusted him and looked up to him to lead the way.  They were doing

that now, and just as he was sure that Daniel was right there with

them again, he knew what he had to do.  The only thing he could do.

The only answer that felt right, "Permission to be dismissed,

General?"

 

"Are you sure, Jack?"

 

"I don't think you want the Civilian Liaison to the Alpha Site dressed

in jeans and a sweatshirt for the first day on the job, do you, Sir?"

 

A smile as big as Texas broke out as the reply came back, "No, I don't

want that at all.  Get suited up, son.  You leave in 10."

 

"Yes, Sir."

 

If he had eyes in the back of his head, he would have seen the looks

of pride that followed him to the locker room.  They never knew how

close he came to staying behind.  Well, maybe they did.  But they also

knew him - maybe better than he knew himself - and he never turned

away from a fight, especially when people were counting on him.

 

*****

 

"So, you're leaving?"

 

He wondered how long it would take her to make it to the locker room

to say goodbye.

 

"Looks like."  He was just pulling his shirt over his head as she

walked over to him.

 

"I'm glad."

 

He didn't need to look at her to see the smile on her face.  He knew

she thought he was doing the right thing. He wasn't as sure, but he

knew he couldn't turn back now.  Closing his locker door, he gathered

up his things and stood to face her, "I figured."

 

"So, I guess this is goodbye."

 

"For awhile."  He knew as well as she did that any goodbye they made

could be the last.

 

"Take care of yourself."

 

"You, too." He gestured to the area still bandaged from the staff

weapon wound weeks ago.  His eyes met hers for a minute, and he leaned

down to kiss her.  Not deep, not passionate, just tender and warm.  He

walked past her to the door, wishing he had some funny banter to ease

the moment.  They had grown so close over the past few weeks that

leaving her now was as hard as it had ever been to leave Sara, even

after ten years of marriage.  He and Sam had been closer than most

married people over the past six years anyway.  He fought back a brief

urge to change his mind again and opened the door to the hallway-

 

"I'd better not hear any rumors about you and some Tok'ra woman.  Or

some Jaffa, for that matter."  Her tone was light and easy, belying

the situation at hand as she followed him out into the corridor, "In

fact, if I hear anything about you even *looking* at alien women, I

won't take any excuses."

 

Grateful for the chance to play along, even if only for a minute

before he walked through the gate he shot back, "But what if they drug

me?"

 

"Nope."

 

"Get me drunk?"

 

"Nice try."

 

"How would you even know?"

 

She narrowed her eyes and turned to him as they reached the

embarkation room, "I have my ways.  Besides, Dad will be there a lot

to check up on you."  She winked, and he smiled.

 

He wasn't sure which Carter he was more afraid of, but he found

himself feeling ridiculously happy all the same.  Maybe this really

was the break they had been waiting for with the Goa'uld.  Maybe, just

maybe, they were close to winning this war.  And then he could come

home.  To her.  And start again. 

 

Part 10

 

They had won.  Or at least a major victory to be sure.  The most

powerful of the System Lords had been hit hard.  Any who might have

survived the coordinated attacks of the Tauri, the Tok'ra, the Jaffa

and their allies had fled far and wide.  No one in the room was

naïve enough to think that the danger was over, not by a long shot.  They knew the Goa'uld would regroup somewhere, sometime.  They knew the

solution that the Asgard had come up with for the Replicators wouldn't

hold forever.  But the impending doom had been pushed back a bit.  Out

of sight, even if only for a little while.  The air felt lighter on

base than it ever had.  Even the gray walls looked less... well, gray.

 

"So, this is it, huh?"  Jonas had walked over to Sam who stood staring

straight ahead to the metallic circle.  It still inspired her awe.

She guessed it always would.

 

"Well, not it exactly.  I mean, General Hammond won't retire until

he's sure the right replacement has been found, and Teal'c isn't going

back to Chulak until we've recovered the technology left behind by the

Gou'uld-"  His hand on her arm stopped her words and tore her eyes

away from the gate.  "Yeah, I guess this is it."

 

"I know it won't all change right away, but it feels different

already."

 

"Yes, it does."  Her eyes danced around the room searching for the one

person that had changed her life in so many ways from the day they had

met.  From the first challenge about an arm wrestle to the last

challenge of taking on the Alpha Site, neither one of them had ever

stopped giving as good as they got.  And god knew, they had both had

enough.  Jonas was right- this was it.

 

He found her first through the crowd of assorted SG personnel and

alien allies.  A few suits were there, too, but he couldn't care less.

His days of trying to impress the right people were over, and, he

came to realize as he watched her mix with all of them, she didn't

have to try to impress them.  She just did.  As much wonderment as the gate held for her, she held for him.

 

Passing Hammond and Jacob who were in an animated discussion with

Teal'c and Bray'tac - that was a site he wouldn't mind viewing for

awhile on some other day - he made his way to her side as Jonas made

his way back to the buffet table.  Once next to her, he found the urge

to kiss her almost overwhelming. She would probably hit him for that,

and he loved her all the more for it.  "Hey."

 

She smiled up at him, "Hey."

 

"What were you and Jonas talking about?"

 

"Nothing, really."  She took a drink of her now warm champagne.

 

"You want to get out of here?"

 

"I promised Dad I'd take him to the airport.  His flight for San Diego

leaves in an hour."

 

"You could come over after."

 

"I'd like that."  Staring at the gate again, she had to ask, "Do you

regret any of it?"

 

That was a tough question.  So many people lost, so many friends gone,

so much pain and suffering.  But to end up here with the ones that

were left, the ones that had sacrificed and risked everything...  It

was worth it.  It had to be, or everything he had ever known about

himself or believed in would be a lie.  And if he was sure of

anything, it was that the woman standing next to him was as real and

honest as anyone he had ever known.  No, he didn't regret that.  So,

he couldn't regret any of it, because to change one thing would be to

change everything, if that grandfather paradox theory she told him

about was right. "No, I don't.  You?"

 

"No, I guess not.  It's just that I wish things between us had

happened sooner."

 

"It wasn't the right time."

 

"And now it is?"

 

"Isn't it?"

 

"I hope so."

 

"There's still a lot of work to be done, you know.  The SGC is going

to need you for quite awhile."

 

"And you?"

 

"I might hang around for a bit."

 

"Not going fishing right away?"

 

"Nah, I have some other things to do first."

 

"Like?"

 

"Maybe we can talk about that later tonight?"

 

She blushed.  He wasn't really being suggestive, she just knew how the

night was likely to end up, and she really couldn't wait.  Maybe she

could suggest to her Dad that they get going to the airport- leave

enough time for security and all that.  "I'll see you soon." She started to walk away toward her Dad, but she felt his eyes staring

into her, and so she turned back around.

 

His eyes locked with hers, and the few feet between them seemed to

shrink to a couple of inches.  He mouthed the words she had already

felt for years, and she replied in kind, aware that he had already

known.  And there, in the room where it had all started with the first

dialing of the gate, is where it started again for the two people who had just had the most important conversation of their lives.  Spoken with words that didn't need sound; played to music with a rhythm that only they could feel.  And there was really nothing more to say.

 

*****

 

Thanks again for your patience- lisayaeger@hotmail.com