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A lesson in ideologies
FEUDALISM:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with
everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government
will give you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with
everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have
to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers.
The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations
say you should need.
FASCISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them,
and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all
share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes
all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm
animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the
milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the
election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The
affair is known as "Cowgate".
BRITISH BUREAUCRACY:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government
doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them
and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that
it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain.
Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk for a fair price or your neighbours
try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company,
using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute
a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four
cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of
six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands
company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights
to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says
that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile,
you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM:
You have two cows. The government bans you from either milking or killing
them.
FEMINISM:
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the
phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but
no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this
milk.
SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica
lessons.
OLYMPICS-ISM
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins
and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale
of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with
(gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was
beaten every day by a tyrranical farmer and watched its parents butchered
before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining
an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract
to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by
Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's
buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:
To get to the other side.
PLATO:
For the greater good
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY:
Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping
50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES
Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its
>>dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly
competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship
>>with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical
distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration
Model (PIM) , Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies,
knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes
and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management
framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road
analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills
in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings
in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit,
and to enable them to synergise with each other in order to acheive the implicit
goals in delivering and successfully architecting and implementing and
enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median
processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating
an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused,
and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned
with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards
the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting
helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you see, represents the black man.The chicken "crossed " the
>>black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING JNR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
MOSES
And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the chickens, "Thou
shallt cross the road". And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much
rejoicing.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have
to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the
road.
MACHIAVELLI
The point is that the chicken crosses the road. Who cares why? The end of
crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD
Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to
ask, what the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place,
anyway?
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
cheque book.
OLIVER STONE
The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is,
"Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste
to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such
a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross the roads.
EINSTEIN
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the
>>chicken depends on your frame of reference.
BUDDHA
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
The chicken did not cross the road....it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
