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If Horse's were computers....
Everytime you opened the arena gate to exit, your horse would whinny, "Are you sure?" Everytime you changed barns, you would have to get a new horse. Everytime you pulled on your boots,(or "rebooted"), you'd have to enter a password. If your horse needed a training tune-up, you'd have to call a special 800-number and jump through six vice-mail hoops to get the right trainer. And you'd be billed by the minuate. As soon sd you had your horse going just so, you'd need to upgrade to Horses98. Your horse wouldn't be able to "access" anyone's riding style except yours. Other breeders would develop horses three times as reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to ride as yours. But they could travel on only 5% of the trails. Your barn cat wouldnt be able to "find" the barn mouse. You'd have a push button horse. But if you pushed the wrong button, you'd delete him.


A cowboy from West Texas died and went on to the Great Beyond.
As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was barren with
no greenery and hotter than San Antonio in July. Nothing much around
but snakes and scorpions. A hot wind was blowing dust in his eyes. He
remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just
like Texas." The gate keeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter
and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"


Ten Things You Won't Hear Your Horse Say:
•
1. don't clean out my stall. I adore the smell.

•
2. No thanks, one can of oats is enough for me.

•
3. Doctor, may I please have a rectal exam?

•
4. I just love traveling in a hot trailer!

•
5. Mr. Farrier, please don't stop pounding on my hooves.

•
6. There's room for one more on my back.

•
7. I feel like galloping another 20 miles!

•
8. Low branch! Duck!

•
9. You ca go ahead and leave, I'll wash myself down.

•
10. Can we do this again, tomorrow?


A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising force. No one answered. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender left the bar and asked meekly, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."


I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it. Thank Goodness for heroes!


A man just bought two horses. However, he could not tell them apart. So, after a day's worth of confusion, he went to his neighbor for help. "I can't tell my horses apart," he said, "can you help me?" The neighbor thought for a moment, and then said "Well, why don't you dock one of the horse's tails? Then you can tell them apart." So the man agreed it was a good idea and did just that when he got home. The next day, when he was plowing the field, the horse without a docked tail got his tail caught and it ripped so it looked exactly like the other's tail. The man went back to his neighbor and explained what happened. The neighbor thought, and finally said "Why don't you cut a slit in one of the horse's ears? Then you can tell them apart." So the man went home and did that. The next day, when he was driving his horses down the road, the horse without a slit got his ear got in barbed wire and it tore, just like the others. The poor man was getting fed up, so he went to see his neighbor again. His neighbor thought for a long time, and replied "Why don't you measure them?" The man immediately did that upon returning home, and was very glad to find that the black horse was two inches taller then the white one.


Bobby's horse was playing games on the computer when Bobby's father walked in to the room.
"That horse is amazing!" said Bobby's father.
"Not really," say Bobby. "He's already lost three games."

"Mother", said a little boy after coming from a walk. "I've seen a man who makes horses."
"Are you sure?" asked his mother.
"Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet."

We lost our horse. It got away while we were on vacation.
Why not put an ad in the newspaper "Lost & Found" column?
Don't be ridiculous. He can't read!

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge black frying pan. Boing!
Man: "What was that for?!"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pant's pocket with the name Marylou written on it?!"
Man: "Oh honey. Don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife seemed satisfied and headed on to do some work around the house, feeling a bit sheepish.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. Boing!!
Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called!"

Mutt and Jeff went shopping for horses.
When they each had found the horse they wanted, they were in a quandary.
"How will we tell which horse is yours and which is mine?" asked Mutt
"You crop your horse's ears, and I'll leave mine as they are!" answered Jeff.
"No!!! That would hurt your horse!" said Mutt, "I'll cut my horse's tail, and you keep your horse's tail long."
"No, no!!!" shouted Jeff," horses need their tails long for balance!!"
"I know!!" exclaimed Mutt, "Branding!!! I'll put a big 'X' on the rear of my horse, and you put a big 'Y' on the front of your horse."
"No, no, no!!! My horse is too beautiful to mark up like that!" yelled Jeff.
"I've got it!!!" Mutt said. "You take the black one, I'll take the white one!"

Lessons from A Horse
>>
>> >>1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
>> > >2. You can never have too many treats.
>> > >3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
>> > >4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
>> > >5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
>> > >6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
>> > >7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And
>> > >never walk when you can stand still.
>> > >8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping
>> > >the rest.
>> > >10. Eat plenty of roughage.
>> > >11. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown
>> > >eyes help too.
>> > >12. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
>> > >13. In times of crisis, take a poop.
>> > >14. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
>> > >15. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the
>> > >blame.
>> > >16. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
>> > >17. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something
>> > >good to eat
>>



Who Can Open the Gate
This story takes you to a big pasture, filled with a lovely bunch of horses. A question has just been asked amid the herd.
Let's listen in on the conversation among the many breeds of horses.
............"Who Can Open the Gate?"............
Lipizzan: No need for opening it! When are you all going to learn how to fly?!!
Thoroughbred: I don't want to mess with that gate and I am too scared of flying! I will just jump over it and leave you all behind.
Paint: Yeah, what he said! Na Na Na Na Na Na!
Palomino: Forget it. Count me out. I am not taking any chances of messing up my chrome!
Arabian: You'll have to get somebody else to do it. I'm not messin' up my nails for no one!
Quarter Horse: Maybe if I push on it with my big buns, I could open it!
Standardbred: Pity on all of you. I'll figure it out, just give me some time.
Polo Pony: Wait just a minute, let me get my stick and give it a few bloody wacks!
Shetland: Let me at it. I'll break the stupid thing! Then you all can get out of my face.
Mule: Oh, let's just pack it in and call it a day.
Saddlebred: Now, now. I'll open it, if someone could help me with my shoes?
Fresian: I'll do it! Do you think it will mess up my hair? I always have such good hair days.
Mustang: Heck with opening it, how about I just run the whole darn fence over?
Belgian: Step back! You all aren't strong enough to do it. I'll do it. Oh, but what if I break it?
Morgan: There, there. I'll do it for you. No need to have such a big fit. Peace be with all of you. Is there anything else I could do for you after I get done with the gate?
Appaloosa: Oh, hush all of you! Ya big bunch of sissies. No one is leaving till I say so!
Percheron: I have already opened the gate while you all have been arguing! I even went down the next row and opened all the other gates. So it will be awhile before I have to listen to all of you argue again!
Contributed by:
Shelly Bataglia Mcloud, OK

Cowpokin' Fun
Humor, Cowboy Poetry, Authentic Western Tales & Photos.
Dedicated to the preservation of the Old West and Western Way of Life.


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