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 Horses New Year's Resolutions
Horse List of New Year's Resolutions
1. I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can
2. I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
3. I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
4. My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to pee.
5. I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
6. I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
7. I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
8. I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
9. I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
10. I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just because it's there.
11. I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
12. I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's whiteshirt.
13. I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
14. I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within 1 mile radius.
15. I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
16. I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
17. I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while my human is mucking my stall.
18. I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
19. I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
20. I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
21. I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
22. I am NOT a Shin'a'in Battlesteed. I will not act like one.
23. I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
24. I accept that not every carrot is for me.
25. I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
26. I will NOT jump in the air, turn 180 degrees every time I see a deer.
27. I will understand that deer are NOT carnivorous.
28. I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
29. I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
30. I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.
A Horses View of the World
Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion. Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the sensitive tissues of the mouth. Bucking: Counterirritant CrossTies: Gymnastic apparatus. Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit. Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing. Grain: Sole virtue of domestication. Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength. Horse trailer: Mobile cave/bear den. Hotwalker: The lesser of two evils. Jump: An opportunity for self-expression. Latch: Type of puzzle. Lunging: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay. Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding. Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds. Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner; useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply. Trainer: Owner with mob connections. Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture
Let Me Teach You -A touching Equine Poem
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse.
And now, the REAL story........
When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in the woods, and we need to leave NOW.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in 40 acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react let me teach you that herbivore's kick MUCH faster than omnivores.
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet, because I don't FEEL like cantering on my right lead today, that's why.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness, GI complaint, and skin disease.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
When you are self-absorbed let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. I TOLD you about those lions in the woods. When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 800 lbs of YAHOO-let's-go distance horse can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.
When you are tired, don't forget the 1000 lbs of hay that needs to be unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services, additional".
When you need to learn, hang around, bud. I'll learn ya.
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