Inquisitor Bob decided to take a look through the Ecclesiarchy's books to find some information on Heretics. He figured he may need some help getting into the Ecclesiarchy's Library, so he brought his favorite Grey Knight squad, which was made up of five of his closest Grey Knight friends: Roy, Bill, Harry, Jay, and Pat.

Bob and the Grey Knghts walked casually up the one hundred eighty nine steps that led up to the door of the Library. As Bob was about to open the door, Jay stopped him. "Remember, Inquisitor Bob, 'tis always better to knock first,"Jay said. "OK," Bob replied with a casual shrug. He raised his power fist high in the air, and then knocked on the Ecclesiarchal Library's door. The sound of metal hitting metal caused bob to smile.

After a few minutes, though, he got mildly annoyed at the door not having been opened for him, and he turned to stare at a distant statue of Leman Russ. Suddenly the door to the library opened, and a high-pitched scream of terror filled the air as the Preacher now standing in the door saw the power fist descending upon his head. Bob quickly put his power fist down by his side.

After the Preacher regained his composure and straightened his robes, he asked in a very serious tone, "What is it thou wants from the Library of the Ecclesiarchy?" "I'd like to take a look at some of your books on Heretics," Bob replied. "I'm doing some research on them." "I'm sorry, Inquisitor..." The Preacher glanced at Bob's name tag. "...Bob, but you'll have to take your Grey Knight squad and go somewhere else."

"But-..." Bob was cut off as the Preacher shut the door in his face. "Hmmph," Roy said, "he wasn't very polite." "Boys," Bob said, "open the door." "It's locked, Bob," Bill said.

"Yes. Open the door," Bob said with an evil grin on his face. The five Grey Knights lowered their Force Halberds and pointed them at the door to the Library. All at once, the five Grey Knights fired blasts of psychic energy, eradicating the door from existence. "Better," Bob said, with a tone of approval in his voice.

He gestured to the squad and marched into the Ecclesiarchal Library, the five Grey Knights following right behind him. Just inside, not five meters from where the door used to be, stood the Preacher, staring and gawking at the hole. Inquisitor Bob walked over to the Preacher and looker at him disapprovingly. "You really shouldn't stand there with your mouth hanging open, it's quite awkward to look at." The Preacher just continued to stare at the hole where the door used to be, almost hypnotized. Bob shrugged and then walked past him, toward the main part of the Library. Bob marched into the "Mainus Librarius" (obviously the Main Library) and started to look on the shelves. He picked up a book and looked at its title. "Deathwing... Nope." He tossed the book over his shoulder behind him. He picked up the next book. "Inquisitor... Nope." Again he tossed the book over his shoulder.

He looked through the next several books, doing the same with each. "Krokidil Tears... Nope." "Freebooterz... Nope." "The Amethyst Wizard of Oz... Nope." "Sculpting Chocolate Orks?!? Nope!" "Rogue Trader... Nope." "Alice in Wonderland? Nope!"

A Preacher ran into the room, shouting at Bob. "No! Stop!" Bob kept going on, tossing the useless books behind him. "You can't do thaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!!!!" the Preacher screamed as he slipped on a copy of "Cooking with Roboute Gulliman." The book flew into the air as the Preacher fell and landed hard on his back, and the book landed spine first on the Preacher's face, knocking him out.

Two more Preachers rushed into the Library, meeting similar fates as they got hit in the face by flying copies of "Rogal Dorn's 'I Had a Dream...' " and "1001 Fun Things To Do With a Space Marine Helmet."

Finally Inquisitor Bob came to the book he was looking for. "Ahh... 'Everything You Didn't Want To Know About Heretics and Daemons.' This should no." He turned around to leave the Ecclesiarchal Library. As he was walking out, Bob noticed the copy of "Cooking with Roboute Gulliman" laying on the Preacher's face. "Hey, thanks for finding this," he said. "My wife's been looking for a copy of it."

Inquisitor Bob walked out of the Ecclesiarchal Library, both of the books safely in his equipment puch. He gestured to the squad of Grey Knights to follow. "Come, gentlemen," he said. "We must prepare for tomorrow night." "Why, Bob?" asked Harry. "What are we going to do tomorrow night?" "The same thing we do every night, Harry. Try to take over the Warp!"

The End?

Inquisitor Bob and the Apothecary of Doom

A sharp buzzing noise split the air.

Inquisitor Bob's hand came up, bolt pistol in hand, and fired with deadly accuracy.

The noise stopped.

Bob looked up. "Shoot. I lose more alarm clocks that way!"

Hesitantly, Bob rolled onto his side. He looked at the shattered remains of the alarm clock, now mere pieces that were strewn across his desk. With a sigh, he swept the pieces off the desk and placed his bolt pistol upon it.

With a stretch and a yawn, Bob sat up. His eyes darted across his room, taking in everything, making sure there were no enemies within it. Satisfied that there was no danger, he got up. Taking a step forward, his right foot landed on shards of broken glass from the clock. Screaming in pain, Bob began to jump up and down while holding his right foot. This resulted in his left foot coming down upon even more broken glass. With no way to hold both feet, Bob hopped and danced among the pieces of the clock, making his way through the treacherous field of broken parts, and finally clearing it to stand beside his closet.

By that time his feet were both cut in a dozen places and bleeding profusely.

Bob reached into his closet and retrieved a (much used) roll of gauze and a package of (often needed) bandages. He placed bandages on the bottom of both feet, then wrapped gauze around his feet and up his ankles.

With his feet bandaged, Bob looked into his closet. He finally decided to wear his favorite (and only) set of power armour, which was decorated with many purity seals and a highly prized Crux Terminatus. He laid the armour to the side and stepped into his bathroom to get a much-needed shower.

Within minutes, Bob was cleaned and feeling much fresher and more alert. He began to step out of the shower, reaching for his towel to dry off.

And promptly slipped and fell.

Bob groaned. He had landed in an awkward position, and was sure he'd broken his left arm. He looked all around to find the cause of his slip. And then he saw it. His feet, wrapped in gauze, had slipped after getting thoroughly soaked. The gauze had no traction.

By this time alarms had begun to sound, calling medical staff to Bob's quarters. His feet bandaged, his arm broken, Bob was not in a position to argue whether he needed medical attention or not. He simply laid on the floor waiting for help to arrive.

Within minutes, an Apothecary was standing above Bob, looking down at him. "How'd you hurt yourself, sir?"

Bob looked up and sighed in exasperation. "Well, it's pretty obvious. I cut my feet on the pieces of my alarm clock and then I slipped and fell and broke my arm. I'm amazed you didn't hurt yourself with those clock pieces."

The Apothecary looked down at himself. "Can't see how, sir. I'm wearing armour."

"Well, never mind," Bob said. "Just help me get to the med-bay."

"Sure thing, sir."

The Apothecary helped Bob up, then turned and looked at him incredulously. "Like this, sir?"

"Well of course like this! What problem would there b-..." Bob stopped as he felt a draft across his body. Looking down he realized he had not yet put on his armour. "Um, no, on second though let me get some clothes on."

After a few minutes of fumbling around with his pants and shirt, Bob was certain he was at least presentable. The Apothecary stepped forward. "One thing, sir."

"Oh?"

"Your tie isn't looped right."

"Well of course not! It's not like I have two good arms right now, you know!" Bob shouted.

"Let me help," the Apothecary said. He loosened, redid Bob's tie, yanking hard on it to get it tight.

Bob gasped for air. "Not...so...tight!"

"Sorry, sir." The Apothecary loosened the tie slightly.

"Thank you. Now, if we may get underway?"

The Apothecary helped Bob out of his room and down the hall. The med-bay was down one level, and with no elevator the two had to take the stairs. Bob began to step down, lost his footing, and promptly tumbled down the stairs, bringing the Apothecary with him, who then landed on top.

By this time Bob was certain he'd broken a leg and a couple of ribs to boot. And he was certain his entire body was bruised from the impact of the Apothecary.

"Do you have any idea how much that hurt?" Bob grunted, hardly able to breathe.

"No, sir, I'm wearing armour. Sorry, sir," the Apothecary said, getting off Bob. He helped Bob up, who was now holding up his left leg and hopping along.

The two men made their way to the med-bay, which had a bed already set up for Bob. The Apothecary helped him to the bed, and then into it.

The bed collapsed, spilling Bob out onto the floor and knocking down the Apothecary. Bob was sure he felt his other arm and a few more ribs give way. "Please," he managed to groan, "tell me you were injured in at least some way."

"No, sir, sorry."

Bob sighed heavily, then yelped as he felt a broken rib rub against his lung.

The Apothecary got up and offered Bob his hand. "Would you like me to try another bed, sir?"

"No!" Bob screamed. "I want nothing more to do with you! Get me someone else, anyone!"

"Right away, sir," the Apothecary said, then walked away and futrher into the med-bay, hanging his head in shame.

Bob stayed where he had fallen, waiting impatiently for someone to arrive to help him. Finally a shadow fell across his face. He looked up, saying, "Well, it's about ti-..."

"Oh hello, Inquisitor Bob! It's been too long since you came to see your Nurse Betty!" sang a voice all too familiar to Bob. He looked up and saw the Nurse, standing above him with her arms thrown wide as if to give him a big hug.

The scream of terror that followed echoed throughout the base...