Q: What is the definition of a tachyon?

A: It's a gluon that's not completely dry.

AN ANNOTATED THERMOMETER

60F 15C 289K

Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)

50F 10C 283K

Miami residents turn on the heat (if they have a heating system)

40F 4C 277K

* You can see your breath

* Californians shiver uncontrollably

* Minnesotans go swimming

35F 2C 275K

Italian cars don't start

32F 0C 273K

Water freezes

30F -1C 272K

* You plan your vacation to Australia

* Minnesotans put on T-shirts

* Politicians begin to worry about the homeless

* British cars don't start

* Your boogers freeze

25F -4C 269K

* Boston water freezes

* Californians weep pitiably

* Minnesotans eat ice cream

* Canadians go swimming

20F -7C 266K

* You can hear your breath

* Politicians begin to talk about the homeless

* New York City water freezes

* Miami residents plan vacation further south

15F -9C 264K

* French cars don't start

* You plan a vacation in Mexico

* Cat insists on sleeping in bed with you

10F -12C 261K

* Too cold to ski

* You need jumper cables to get the car going

5F -15C 258K

* You plan your vacation in Houston

* American cars don't start

0F -18C 255K

* Alaskans put on T-shirts

* Too cold to skate

-10F -23C 250K

* German cars don't start

* Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15F -26C 247K

* You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo

* Arkansas stick tongue on metal objects

* Miami residents cease to exist

-20F -29C 244K

* Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you

* Politicians actually do something about the homeless

* Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

* Japanese cars don't start

-25F -32C 241K

* Too cold to think

* You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30F -34C 239K

* You plan a two week hot bath

* The Mighty Mongahela freezes

* Sweedish cars don't start

-40F -40C 233K

* Californians disappear

* Minnesotan button top button

* Canadians put on sweaters

* Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50F -46C 237K

* Congressional hot air freezes

* Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80F -62C 211K

* Hell freezes over

* Polar bears move south

If M = 1 centimeter

What is W?

Ans:

W = 1 erg.

(i.e. 1 dyne-cm)

On the heater lies a tile.

The teacher asks: "Why does the the tile warmer at the side that lies at the far side of the heater?".

The student stammers :"Eh, maybe because of the heat conduction and so?"

Teacher: "No, because I just turned it around."

At the physics exam:

'Describe the universe (max. 200 words) and give three examples.'

Sometimes real life is stranger than fiction. My physics final came at

the time when there was a debate whether to allow calculators in the exams. The Physics department was the first to decide in favor of allowing them, the 3 hour exam had one question:

Describe the universe, if Planck's constant were equal to 1.

A promising PhD candidate was presenting his thesis at his final

examination. He proceeded with a derivation and ended up with

something like:

F = -MA

He was embarrassed, his supervising professor was embarrassed, and the

rest of the committee was embarrassed. The student coughed nervously

and said "I seem to have made a slight error back there somewhere."

One of the mathematicians on the committee replied dryly, "Either that

or an odd number of them!"

A Physicist is explaining a picture: "Of course, these are false colours, the red is really yellow, the green is really blue and the white is really brown."

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The second world war is the best demonstration of relativity...

The high energy density variations of vacuum are mainly produced within

brains.

The Physicist : "The positron will be dramatically modified by meeting an electron"

The President : "You said ... position and ... election ??"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Newton:

1) Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to

cross the road.

2) It was pushed on the road.

3) It was pushed on the road by another chicken, which went away from

the road.

4) It was attracted to a chicken on the other side of the road.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?

A: Because it was on the other side.

Law of Selective Gravity:

An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jenning's Corollary:

The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is

directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join

together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the

conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our

suggested list of warnings appears below.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of

99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including

This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small

Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of

This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

(The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible

Results.)

"Truth decays into beauty, while beauty soon becomes merely charm. Charm ends up as strangeness, and even that doesn't last, but up and down are forever." - The Laws of Physics

Cold Fusion

Let me tell you a story.

When I was a senior (UG) at the University of Houston, I had a class with Ernest Henley. Ernest and John Seader collaborated on the text which dealt with simulation of separations.

When P & F announced their findings, Henley made a point of contacint John (head of the CHE department at Utah.)

John told him that P & F, among others, had been working on CF for years. P&F had been fired from Utah but had been brought back on.

"So why the support - all of a sudden?" Henley asked.

According to Henley, P&F left their experiment on one weekend on the fourth floor of a building only to find it in the basement on Monday. (It melted thru 4 concerete floors.)

Believe it if you need it but believe it if you will.

I (alone of the s.p.f. regulars, AFAIK) was actually at the University

of Utah Department of Chemistry in 1989 (and in fact attended P&F's

first press conference). Jim Carr is right -- it's just a story.

: >John told him that P & F, among others, had been working on CF for years.

: >P&F had been fired from Utah but had been brought back on.

Fleischmann was never a faculty member at Utah. He was considered "adjunct" but AFAIK did not even have an office at Utah -- his home base was in England. Pons was not fired (it's tough to fire someone with tenure).

The semester after the big announcement, Pons did not show up to teach

his class, and sent a fax explaining that he was on leave. Not teaching your classes is just about the only thing you *can* be fired for, but the department allowed him a graceful way out by making him a "research" professor and (IIRC) eventually accepting his resignation.

By the way, the head of the department at the time was John Simons, but

he is universally known as "Jack" Simons.

:> According to Henley, P&F left their experiment on one weekend on the

:> fourth floor of a building only to find it in the basement on Monday.

:> (It melted thru 4 concerete floors.)

This is completely untrue. Pons's laboratory was *in* the basement.

And I worked on the third floor of that same building -- I think I would have noticed holes in the floor and ceiling. What happened was that they left an apparatus over the weekend and found on Monday that it had destroyed itself in some kind of violent fashion. Other than scorch marks, however, the fume hood in which the experiment had been sitting was still in good shape. The obvious explanation, one that fit all of the facts, was that there was a hydrogen fire. They preferred to believe that they had had a CF "meltdown." They believed it so much that they didn't even bother testing for residual radiation before going back to work.

A math&physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. He

fainted, but came to after a while and started smiling. The onlookers

were worried, so they asked him why the smile. "I just realized how lucky I am because the kinetic energy is only half m v squared."

CRAZED PHYSICS TEST ANSWER

1] A shotgun shooting 12 pellets of 00 Buckshot weighing 4g leave the

barrel at 1125 fps. Assuming the average infant will absorb 127.3 f/lbs before disintegrating, how many babies will the average blast cut

through (rounding off to the nearest whole number)?

eight.

2] A 100 kg man is being swung by his entrails in a circle 16'in radius at the rate of 1600 radians/sec. Find the tension in the man's entrails (ignoring the effects of gravity).

65,024 Newtons.

3] A pagan priest attempts to vaporize a young virgin by placing her in a flaming pit. Assuming the woman, weighing 120 lbs, is completely

composed of water, how much energy will he have to use to completely

vaporize her?

130,000 BTU

4] An infant has a tensile strength of 400 psi and has a cross

sectional area of 23.4 sq. inches. Assuming it is 23" long and has an

elongation percentage of .0036%/120psi at roomtemperature, how long will

the baby be before it is dismembered?

about 26.45 inches.

5] A 12 year old blind orphan girl is shot from a cannon at the speed

of 1200 fps at a solid brick wall. Calculate the force of impact given

that the brick wall is 3 feet away from the barrel.

if she weighs 50 lbs, and all of her sticks to the wall,

3.3 million Newtons.

6] A large plane weighing 12.7 M tons carrying 12 tons of nuns and

orphans travelling at 724.46 kph and at an altitude of 40,000 meters

suffers explosive decompression above the center of a 30km diameter

population. Assuming that one passenger is sucked out every second, how

many passengers will land within the population center?

about (give or take a torso or leg) 12.

7] A 1000 lb car is moving at 130 mph and two poodles whose combined

weight is 82 lbs are thrown out the back at 3 mph. Calculate the

velocity of the car.

140.91 happy mph.

8] Farmer Brown is selling apples for 12 cents a dozen in a room where

a torch has a brightness of 120 candela is 12 ft froma 14.36 sq meter

surface.Assuming a light bulb 17.3 cubits fromthe surface has a

brightness of 129 candlepower and gives offheat of 1.27 BTU and the room is 423 degrees Kelvin; assuming thethe pressure in the room is 1100 millibar; assuming the lightbulb is rotating at 4 pi radians per half minute, with the power source of the bulb a battery giving off energy at a rate of 12000000 terajoules per exasecond; assuming the coefficient offriction at the base of the rotating lightbulb is 1.679 E9;assuming the room is being launched at 50 times escape velocity;assuming it collides with the moon in a perfectly elastic collision, when the room returns to the earth 6 days 4 hours 20 minutes 35 seconds and 12 nanoseconds later, how much does Farmer Brown sell one apple for?

Still one cent, but all thats left is well-done applesaus,

A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers a ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, "I wish you to bring peace in this region".

After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, "Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me".

Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, "I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even."

After another deliberation the genie asks, "Could I see that map again?"

I had a professor who said that "physicists have a knack for jumping into mathematical cesspools and coming out smelling like a rose"

Editors (=my) note:

This is a classical joke that appeared in "Die Naturwissenschaften"

somewhere in the 30's. Eddington numerology was hip, and the Editor

must have slept, so this stuff went through. In the next issue the

sour-faced retraction followed. I have freely translated the stuff,

luckily the central pun carries over unharmed.

"This is an attempt to explain the value of the absolute zero

temperature. To reach it, all degrees of freedom must be frozen.

Now, due to Eddington, proton and electron have both 1/alpha degrees

of freedom. But even at absolute zero, their circulating around

each other can't stop. Summing up, this means absolute zero is at

minus (2/alpha-1) degrees. With a value of 1/alpha=137.08, this makes

-273.16 degrees, which is surprisingly close to the known value."

Now, if you take more than 10 seconds to ROTFL, you should better

"out" yourself to Doraemon... ;-)

K.K. Darrow in a colloqium that recounted some of his rememberances told this story about a European physicist. About 75 years ago the physicist was visiting the Harvard Library and couldn't find the Natural Philosophy section. He asked the librarian for help. She showed him to the proper section and said "We call it Physics."

A physics book seems to be a mathematican's worst nightmare.

This is from a Project Gutenberg Etext of 'Literary Blunders', by

Henry Wheatley. I thought that this section in particular deserved a

wider audience.

ACOUSTICS, LIGHT AND HEAT PAPER (1880)

Science and Art Department.

The following are specimens of answers given by candidates at recent

examinations in Acoustics, Light and Heat, held in connection with the

Science and Art Department, South Kensington. The answers have not of

course all been selected from the same paper, neither have they all

been chosen for the same reason.

Question I.--State the relations existing between the pressure,

temperature, and density of a given gas. How is it proved that when a

gas expands its temperature is diminished?

Answer.--Now the answer to the first part of this question is, that

the square root of the pressure increases, the square root of the

density decreases, and the absolute temperature remains about the

same; but as to the last part of the question about a gas expanding

when its temperature is diminished, I expect I am intended to say I

don't believe a word of it, for a bladder in front of a fire expands,

but its temperature is not at all diminished.

Question 2.--If you walk on a dry path between two walls a few feet

apart, you hear a musical note or ``ring'' at each footstep. Whence

comes this?

Answer.--This is similar to phosphorescent paint. Once any sound gets

between two parallel reflectors or walls, it bounds from one to the

other and never stops for a long time. Hence it is persistent, and

when you walk between the walls you hear the sounds made by those who

walked there before you. By following a muffin man down the passage

within a short time you can hear most

distinctly a musical note, or, as it is more properly termed in the

question, a ``ring'' at every (other) step.

Question 3.--What is the reason that the hammers which strike the

strings of a pianoforte are made not to strike the middle of the

strings? Why are the bass strings loaded with coils of wire?

Answer.--Because the tint of the clang would be bad. Because to

jockey them heavily.

Question 4.--Explain how to determine the time of vibration of a given

tuning-fork, and state what apparatus you would require for the

purpose.

Answer.--For this determination I should require an accurate watch

beating seconds, and a sensitive ear. I mount the fork on a suitable

stand, and then, as the second hand of my watch passes the figure 60

on the dial, I draw the bow neatly across one of its prongs. I wait.

I listen intently. The throbbing air particles are receiving the

pulsations; the beating prongs are giving up their original force; and

slowly yet surely the sound dies away. Still I can hear it, but

faintly and with close attention; and now only by pressing the bones

of my head against its prongs. Finally the last trace disappears. I

look at the time and leave the room, having determined the time of

vibration of the common ``pitch'' fork.

This process deteriorates the fork considerably, hence a different

operation must be performed on a fork which is only lent.

Question 6.--What is the difference between a ``real'' and a

``virtual'' image? Give a drawing showing the formation of one of

each kind.

Answer.--You see a real image every morning when you shave. You do

not see virtual images at all. The only people who see virtual images

are those people who are not quite right, like Mrs. A. Virtual images

are things which don't exist. I can't give you a reliable drawing of

a virtual image, because I never saw one.

Question 8.--How would you disprove, experimentally, the assertion

that white light passing through a piece of coloured glass acquires

colour from the glass? What is it that really happens?

Answer.--To disprove the assertion (so repeatedly made) that ``white

light passing through a piece of coloured glass acquires colour from

the glass,'' I would ask the gentleman to observe that the glass has

just as much colour after the light has gone through it as it had

before. That is what would really happen.

Question 11.--Explain why, in order to cook food by boiling, at the

top of a high mountain, you must employ a different method from that

used at the sea level.

Answer.--It is easy to cook food at the sea level by boiling it, but

once you get above the sea level the only plan is to fry it in its own

fat. It is, in fact, impossible to boil water above the sea level by

any amount of heat. A different method, therefore, would have to be

employed to boil food at the top of a high mountain, but what that

method is has not yet been discovered. The future may reveal it to a

daring experimentalist.

Question 12.--State what are the conditions favourable for the

formation of dew. Describe an instrument for determining the dew

point, and the method of using it.

Answer.--This is easily proved from question 1. A body of gas as it

ascendsexpands, cools, and deposits moisture; so if you walk up a hill

the body of gas inside you expands, gives its heat to you, and

deposits its moisture in the form of dew or common sweat. Hence these

are the favourable conditions; and moreover it explains why you get

warm by ascending a hill, in opposition to the well-known law of the

Conservation of Energy.

Question 13.--On freezing water in a glass tube, the tube sometimes

breaks. Why is this? An iceberg floats with 1,000,000 tons of ice

above the water line. About how many tons are below the water line?

Answer.--The water breaks the tube because of capallarity. The

iceberg floats on the top because it is lighter, hence no tons are

below the water line. Another reason is that an iceberg cannot exceed

1,000,000 tons in weight: hence if this much is above water, none is

below. Ice is exceptional to all other bodies except bismuth. All

other bodies have 1090 feet below the surface and 2 feet extra for

every degree centigrade. If it were not for this, all fish would die,

and the earth be held in an iron grip.

P.S.--When I say 1090 feet, I mean 1090 feet per second.

Question 14.--If you were to pour a pound of molten lead and a pound

of molten iron, each at the temperature of its melting point, upon two

blocks of ice, which would melt the most ice, and why?

Answer.--This question relates to diathermancy. Iron is said to be a

diathermanous body (from _dia_, through, and _thermo_, I heat),

meaning that it gets heated through and through, and accordingly

contains a large quantity of real heat. Lead is said to be an

athermanous body (from _a_, privative, and _thermo_, I heat), meaning

that it gets heated secretly or in a latent manner. Hence the answer

to this question depends on which will get the best of it, the real

heat of the iron or the latent heat of the lead. Probably the iron

will smite furthest into the ice, as molten iron is white and glowing,

while melted lead is dull.

Question 21.--A hollow indiarubber ball full of air is suspended on

one arm of a balance and weighed in air. The whole is then covered by

the receiver of an air pump. Explain what will happen as the air in

the receiver is exhausted.

Answer.--The ball would expand and entirely fill the vessell, driving

out all before it. The balance being of greater density than the rest

would be the last to go, but in the end its inertia would be overcome

and all would be expelled, and there would

be a perfect vacuum. The ball would then burst, but you would not be

aware of the fact on account of the loudness of a sound varying with

the density of the place in which it is generated, and not on that in

which it is heard.

Question 27.--Account for the delicate shades of colour sometimes seen

on the inside of an oyster shell. State and explain the appearance

presented when a beam of light falls upon a sheet of glass on which

very fine equi-distant parallel lines have been scratched very close

to one another.

Answer.--The delicate shades are due to putrefaction; the colours

always show best when the oyster has been a bad one. Hence they are

considered a defect and are called chromatic aberration.

The scratches on the glass will arrange themselves in rings round the

light, as any one may see at night in a tram car.

Question 29.--Show how the hypothenuse face of a right-angled prism

may be used as a reflector. What connection is there between the

refractive index of a medium and the angle at which an emergent ray is

totally reflected?

Answer.--Any face of any prism may be used as a reflector. The

connexion between the refractive index of a medium and the angle at

which an emergent ray does not emerge but is totally reflected is

remarkable and not generally known.

Question 32.--Why do the inhabitants of cold climates eat fat? How

would you find experimentally the relative quantities of heat given

off when equal weights of sulphur, phosphorus, and carbon are

thoroughly burned?

Answer.--An inhabitant of cold climates (called Frigid Zoans) eats fat

principally because he can't get no lean, also because he wants to

rise is temperature. But if equal weights of sulphur phosphorus and

carbon are burned in his neighbourhood he will give off eating quite

so much. The relative quantities of eat given off will depend upon

how much sulphur etc. is burnt and how near it is burned to him. If I

knew these facts it would be an easy sum to find the answer.

1881.

Question 1.--Sound is said to travel about four times as fast in water

as in air. How has this been proved? State your reasons for thinking

whether sound travels faster or slower in oil than in water.

Answer(_a_).--Mr. Colladon, a gentleman who happened to have a boat,

wrote to a friend called Mr. Sturm to borrow another boat and row out

on the other side of the lake, first providing himself with a large

ear-trumpet. Mr. Colladon took a large bell weighing some tons which

he put under water and hit furiously. Every time he hit the bell he

lit a fusee, and Mr. Sturm looked at his watch. In this way it was

found out as in the question.

It was also done by Mr. Byott who sang at one end of the water pipes

of Paris, and a friend at the other end (on whom he could rely) heard

the song as if it were a chorus, part coming through the water and

part through the air.

(_b_) This is done by one person going into a hall (? a well) and

making a noise, and another person stays outside and listens where the

sound comes from. When Miss Beckwith saves life from drowning, her

brother makes a noise under water, and she hearing the sound some time

after can calculate where he is and dives for him; and what Miss

Beckwith can do under water, of course a mathematician can do on dry

land. Hence this is how it is done.

If oil is poured on the water it checks the sound-waves and puts you

out.

Question 2.--What would happen if two sound-waves exactly alike were

to meet one another in the open air, moving in opposite directions?

Answer.--If the sound-waves which meet in the open air had not come

from the same source they would not recognise each others existence,

but if they had they would embrace and mutually hold fast, in other

words, interfere with and destroy each other.

Question 9.--Describe any way in which the velocity of light has been

measured.

Answer (_a_).--A distinguished but Heathen philosopher, Homer, was the

first to discover this. He was standing one day at one side of the

earth looking at Jupiter when he conjectured that he would take 16

minutes to get to the other side. This conjecture he then verified by

careful experiment. Now the whole way across the earth is 3,072,000

miles, and dividing this by 16 we get the velocity 192,000 miles a

second. This is so great that it would take an express train 40 years

to do it, and the bullet from a canon over 5000 years.

P.S.--I think the gentlemans name was Romer not Homer, but anyway he

was 20% wrong and Mr. Fahrenheit and Mr. Celsius afterwards made more

careful determinations.

(_b_) An Atheistic Scientist (falsely so called) tried experiments on

the Satellites of Jupiter. He found that he could delay the eclipse

16 minutes by going to the other side of the earths orbit; in fact he

found he could make the eclipse happen when he liked by simply

shifting his position. Finding that credit was given him for

determining the velocity of light by this means he repeated it

so often that the calendar began to get seriously wrong and there were

riots, and Pope Gregory had to set things right.

Question 10.--Explain why water pipes burst in cold weather.

Answer.--People who have not studied Acoustics think that Thor bursts

the pipes, but we know that it is nothing of the kind for Professor

Tyndall has burst the mythologies and has taught us that it is the

natural behaviour of water (and bismuth)

without which all fish would die and the earth be held in an iron

grip.

Furgeson and the Unified Field Theory

In the beginning there was Aristotle

And objects at rest tended to remain at rest

And objects in motion tended to come to rest

And God saw that it was boring, although very restful.

Then God created Newton

And objects at rest tended to remain at rest

And objects in motion tended to remain in motion

And energy was conserved, and momentum was conserved,

And matter was conserved

And God saw that it was conservative.

Then God created Einstein

And everything was relative

And fast things became short

And straight things became curved

And the universe was filled with inertial frames

And God saw that it was relatively general but some of it was especially relative.

Then God created Bohr

And there was the principle

And the principle was quantum

And all things were quantified

But some things were still relative

And God saw that it was confusing.

Then God was going to create Furgeson

And Furgeson would have unified

And he would have fielded a theory

And all would have been one.

But it was the seventh day

And God rested

And objects at rest tend to remain at rest.

IN CASE YOU THOUGHT THAT WE KNEW EVERYTHING AND THE REST WAS JUST DETAILS

1. In the beginning there was nothing, then something went wrong.[Murphy's Law]

2. The empty set contains and is contained within all other sets.[Fibonacci's Rule]

3. Universe has no plural.

4. Space is nothing.

5. Time is an abstraction.

6. Energy is the opposite of mass.

7. Energy is not effected by gravity.

8. In order for two points to exist, a third point must exist between them.

9. Less than enough is not sufficient, more than enough is not necessary.

10.Enough is a finite quantity.

11.That which has been done is not impossible.

12.Pythagoras trisected an angle.

13.Mathematics is a set of languages providing different ways to describe reality.

14.Statistical norms are not real integers even when they are whole numbers.

15.A line representing a continuous function contains no discrete elements.

16.A "Field" is a continuous static structure extending to infinity.

17."Field Lines" are mathmatical constructs having no existence.

18.Reality is what it is irrespective of definition.

19.Ptolomy was believed because his math was correct and it worked.

20.The "Plane of the Elliptic" is perpendicular to and centered upon the Barycenter of the Solar System (or any other system).

21.All orbits are planes of ecliptic.

22.The eccentricity of an orbit is proportional to the deviation from the perpendicular to the path of the center of mass. [Kepler's 4th Law]

23.The Earth does not revolve around the Sun, the Sun and the Earth revolve around the center of mass.

24.There is no error in the orbit of Mercury.

25.A measured value is the sum of its contributing elements.

26.The specific computed values of the elements do not change the measured sum.

27.The measured gravity of the Sun was the same after Einstein as before.

28.The bending of light observed near a star is thermal reflection, a mirage.

29.Velocity is measured at two different times, not on two different objects.

30.A zero based measurement is required to know the value of measured variables.

31.The "Aberration of Light" is the same in a column of water as it is in a column of air.

32. The velocity of light is constant in all media.

33. The aberration of light is a measure of the Earth's absolute velocity.

34. Light is a spherical wave containing no particles.

35. The outside of a wave has more degrees of freedom than the middle, the inside has fewer.

36. As a wave expands outward from its' source, it expands outward from its' middle, a red shift.

37. The further away it is, the greater the red shift, coming or going.

38. The energy required to operate a mechanism increases with velocity while the available energy decreases.

39. There is nothing new here, it's all old stuff. You must get the old stuff right before you can benefit from the new. D.MURPHY -HCEZJCIA

Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.

Cold Fusion: Looney Theory of the Week

"Hey Mike?"

"Yeah, Gabe?"

"We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."

"I thought you fixed that last century!"

"No, no, not that. Someone's found a loophole in the physics

program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."

"Blessit! Lemme check..."< tappity clickity tappity>

"Hey, I thought I fixed that! All right, let me find my terminal."< tappity clickity tap... save... compile>

"There, that ought to patch it."

TIME TRAVEL SEMINAR

To whom it may concern,

There will be a seminar given on the subject of time

travel in the 21st century.

It will be held on Thursday, January 1, 1920 at

12:00:01AM.

Please to have marked your calendars.

Q: What's the difference between a mass spectrometer and an electric guitar?

A: You can tune a mass spectrometer.

HUMATRANS - A TRANSPORTATION DEVICE FOR HOMO SAPIENS

This is an original article by me and M.S.Moni, my colleague

when I was a graduate student in India. I have slightly edited

the text, but most of it is intact. Moni is still at IIT and

has no objection to the dissemination of this article.

There is some interesting background story, but I will leave it

out, unless someone wants to know.

------------------------------------------------------------------

HUMATRANS

(A Transportation Device for Homo Sapiens)

Dinesh Nettar- and M.S.Moni=

Regional Sophisticated Instrumentation Centre,

Indian Institute of Technology,

Madras 600 036, India

Abstract

This device principally operates on the

transmission of mechanical energy delivered

from the payload to circular rotators that

enable positive displacement of the operating

system. The linear motion of the payload

energy source is converted to circular motion

in the device.

1. COMPONENTS AND OPERATION

1.1 FRAMEWORK

The device is built around a triangular framework, to ensure

structural stability[1]. Its tubular construction enables

reduced gravitational load[2] without sacrificing mechanical

integrity. All the remaining components are mounted on this

structure.

1.2 BRANCHED COUPLERS

On this framework, two rotators are mounted through a pair of

branched couplers. The aft coupler is linear, while the forward

coupler is semi-parabolic[3]. Its non-radial orientation ensures

automatic return to default theta setting on normal operating

surfaces. Its non-linearity provides partial attenuation of low

--------------------------

- Present (in 1984) Address: Department of Chemistry, The

Pennsylvania State University, University Park, PA

16802, United States.

= To whom no questions should be addressed.

- 2 -

frequency oscillations. The forward coupler is coincident with

the theta control.

1.3 ROTATORS

Each of the rotators has a cylindrical axial support at which

place the coupler is joined. The grooved peripheral structure is

connected to the axial support by a set of pre-stressed off-

radial connectors. These connectors ensure relatively evenly

distributed load. The peripheral structure carries an annular

cover made of isoprene polymer duly processed with sulfur. The

interstice between the cover and the peripheral structure is

charged with a gaseous mixture of nitrogen, oxygen and other rare

gases[4]. The gas mixture is prevented from leakage by a gas

retainer.

1.4 GROOVED LAMINAS

Semi-circular grooved laminas are mounted in proximity to both

rotators. These prevent a slurry of SiO2, Fe2O3 and H2O from

contaminating the energy source and operator from the operating

surface. These usually terminate in isoprene polymer extenders.

1.5 DECELERATION CONTROL

In operation, the rotators can be rapidly decelerated in the case

of necessity. This is accomplished by depressing either or both

the deceleration control bars on the theta control. These apply

instantaneous large mechanical loads on the rotators by

depressing isoprene polymer pads on the grooved peripheral

devices.

1.6 ENERGY RECEIVERS AND TRANSMITTERS

The aft rotator carries several circular energy receivers. These

receivers have finite discontinuities on their circumference.

The receivers are ordered in increasing radii. Each is

concentric with the aft axial support. A discrete endless

coupled energy transfer device connects any one of these

receivers to one of the two energy transmitters of similar

structure. These energy transmitter devices are mounted at the

lower apex of the main triangular framework. The transmitters

can be set in motion by imparting angular momentum via an

orthogonal radial shaft. This shaft carries a perpendicular

extension. The planarity of the extension is necessitated for

positioning the operator's energy output source. This extension

is pivoted to eliminate torsion of the energy source.

- 3 -

1.7 DECOUPLING MECHANISM

There is an ingeneous decoupling mechanism in the energy transfer

device. While positive angular momenta are transferred from the

energy transmitter to the receiver, the positive angular momenta

of the receiver are not transmitted to the transmitter. This

permits the energy source to be stressless during gravitationally

favorable transportation environments.

1.8 THETA CONTROL

Orientation mobility is ensured by a theta control. This is

connected to the forward rotator coupler. This has a short arm

symmetrically orthogonal to its main axis. It can be used to set

theta from -pi/2 to pi/2 radians continuously and it defaults to

zero on normal operating surfaces. The theta control usually

carries additional controls that select combinations of the

energy transmitters and receivers. These selections enable

nearly continuous variation of angular momentum ratios between

the energy source and the rotators.

1.9 POLYMER BASE

A polymer base is securely mounted at the rear apex of the

triangular framework. This supports the operator during

operation. It is usually buffered by metallic helices[5] to

minimize the transmission of low frequency oscillations from the

operating surface to the operator.

2. ACCESSORIES (Only on some models)

2.1 ENERGY CONVERSION DEVICE

An energy conversion device is used to convert mechanical energy

into electrical energy by electromechanical induction[6]. The

electrical flux generates a stream of photons by resistance[7]

flow through a conductor enclosed in vacuum[8]. The photon

stream enables optical feedback to improve when the ambient

radiation characteristics are below optimum.

2.2 AUDIO-FREQUENCY SYNTHESIZER

An audio-frequency synthesizer for generating approach signals is

used to transmit early warning messages to surrounding areas to

avert a possible momentum transfer.

- 4 -

2.3 EXTRA PAYLOAD SUPPORT

Extra payload can be transported by a support device. This is

mounted vertically above the aft rotator and is connected to the

aft axial coupler.

3. GENERAL REMARKS

The device is ecologically excellent since it is totally non-

contaminating. It is relatively very inexpensive, very easy to

maintain[9] and often portable. Its reduced width requirements

and height make it ideal for almost any kind of operating

surface. It also provides much-needed muscular training to the

users, besides agreeable diversement.

However, it is not self-propelled and so tends to deplete the

energy source during prolonged operations. It is a low-priority

device on most operating surfaces since it does not reach high

linear velocities. Due to its reduced gravitational stability,

the operator must be cautious not to provide a cushion[10] for

the internal combustion driven devices.

It cannot be computerized.

- 5 -

REFERENCES

1. Euclid, Principia Triangularica Stabilica, (Latin

Transl.), 45, 120 (145 B.C.).

2. Newton, I., J. Grav., 1, 1 (1705).

3. The exact equation is beyond the scope of this document.

A detailed explanation can be found in J. Math.

Parabol., -25, 45 (2045).

4. Lavoisier, A-L, Sur la Composition de l'Aire, Paris

Bench Press, Paris, 1781, Chapter 4, pp 104-121.

5. For a description of helices, see Watson, Crick and

Wilkins, Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech, Stockholm, 1962.

6. Faraday, M., Electromagnetic Ind., 4, 1 (1833).

7. Ohm, G.S., Proc. Roy. Soc. Elec. Engg., 222 (1827).

8. Edison, T.A., U.S.Patent No. 413478345 (1883).

9. This is essentially adding a mixture of higher alkanes.

10. Bureau of Statistics, Report on the Number of

Fatalities, Section 8, Table 19, p 153 (1979).

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An original idea by B. Bacher, with a bit of help from a few friends...

Y'ALL KEWL BOMB DOODZ

(from Jon Singer and Michael Butler)

(taken from Pyro Joe's Hot Flashes, pp 137-151)

Now, kids, it's tyme ta talk about dee-layed gratification.

....

Here's one that'll tickle ya pink! (Also black & blue if ya stand around it too long. Take a hint from ol' Joe.)

'menny Whut is it Where d'ya git it

1 1 inch cube of 90% Palladium any good hardware store

with 10% Titanium should have it

1 4 inch length of gold wahr steal from yore sister's

earrin's

5 gallons heavy water, with 10% steal frum Navy base

DTO (th' "Jolt" version, or borry frum naybors.

heh heh.)

1 cup Lithium Lye, with Deuterium, war surplus store

USGummint #3039924057394XD

1 1 to 3 volt, 30 amp pahr splah hell, bild it, use

pappy's arc welder,

or whutever.

1 special currint reggalater bild it.

(figger 3, end of chapter)

1 Kickass(tm) 8 week ain'tchoo gotta hardware

timer or equiv'lint bin? Call up Bud's

Scientific Splah.

Don't let on whut

it's for.

1 big moonshahn crock, with lid. c'mon, ya gotta know

where ta git basics!

Plus th' usual wahr an' stuff, as requahred.

How d'ya do it, Joe?

Wal, ya find a ol' shack on a hill somewheres that still got pahr goin'

to it. (Elsewise, ya gots ta use a whole lotta ol' truck

batt'ries, which is tuff ta hump around.) Put th' crock in th' shack,

and pour th' Jolt water inta it. Stir in th' Lithium Lye, slow

an' careful. Don't splash none, an' don't add th' stuff too quick, now.

Cover it real taht, so's ya don't lose too much. Y'all

don't wanna hafta sneak inta th' navybase again, do ya? Them guys got

guns & stuff and they ain't afraid ta use it.

So, ennyway, see, ya bild the pahr splah, an' ya bild th' currint

reggalater in figger 3 at th' end of th' chapter, the one with

the special shunt cirkit fer changin' the currint. Thet's whar th'

Kickass tahmer goes. Test it ta be sure that th' current starts

at about 30 amps and goes down ta 10 or 15 when th' tahmer goes off.

Bild th' other stuff lahk in figger 2. Cart th' whole mess down ta th'

shack, and put th' bizniz end inta the Jolt water. Don't

leave th' lid off too long, now. Cover it up good, an' duck tape it,

specially th' place wher the wahrs come out. Ah got me

some motorcycle ground strap, which is read'ly avail'ble an' flat, so it don't queer up the fit o' the lid. Bolt the straps down

real secure, an' put vaseline on th' bolts.

Now, set th' Kickass tahmer fer 8 weeks, plug th' pahr splah in, make

sure ya got 30 amps, an' take a hike.

'Member, neutrons ain't yer frens. Keep ol' Blue away from th' shack

unless ya want two-headed puppies runnin' around

eatin' too much, probly worrit yore mom no end, an' if ya gotta go in

ther ta check, don't stay long. Ya want ol' Joe's

advice, after around 7 weeks, don't go in ther atall.

This hear makes a real 'hot flash', an' in fact, it's whut this book is

named fer. Y'all kin see th' flash from a couple mahls

away, raht through th' av'ridge wall, so don't go bildin' it in yer

basemit. Got thet? No need ta keep it too close ta home,

raht? Ya kin get caught with it if it's too close. Besides, ya don't

want yer sister fahndin' out wher her earrin's got off ta. She

probly woont lahk it, an' she'll make ya cut her in on the deal.

'Course, thet maht not be too bad, if she's good with a

soldrin' ahrn. Probly bilds good pahr splahs, an that's importunt ta

this 'hot flash'.

Ah got trouble, Joe. Now whut?

Whut happen Whut ta do

ya hair falls out Dummy! I tol' ya not ta stan' aroun' up

in hanks close-lahk! Thow away yer clothin', an'

take lots o' shahrs. Eat some vitamin E,

an' call th' doc ef'n it don't stop in

a spell.

red skin & funny spots same thing.

juice won't drop to shunt circuit screwed up, or ya bought a cheap

10-15 amps tahmer. Don't bah you no cheap tahmers!

no flash after 8 th' Authority mebbe cut yer pahr. Wait 2 more

weeks is gone bah weeks an' then check fer pahr at the wall

sockit.

Ef thet don't work, check the pahr splah. Ah

tol' ya yer sister probly bild it better then

you, ya shoulda listened. Also check th'

tahmer. 'Member whut ah sed about cheap ones!

Big wet spot ya crock leak? If no leaks, check the roof. If

the roof leaks, don't worrit yerself. If th'

crock leaks, fix it quick.

'lectrode turns brown probly yer Lithium Lye is contaminatid. Ya can

give it up, or start over.

runs hot only happins once in a whahl. Swipe Grampa's

ol' still-tubin', an' make lahk a li'l still

coil with it. Jes' run th' outlet back inta

the crock. Duck tape the whole mess real good.

If thet ain't enuf, use a truck radiater.

Don't drink the stuff, neither! Taste lahk

hell, take it from one that knows.

Y'all have fun, now. Ef ya hit the sweet spot, th' hill will glow fer

munths. Thet means you done real good! Set up a "myst'ry

spot" sahn, an' charge th' city folks a dollar a look.

Yore Frend,

Joe

THE LAWYER INTERPRETS THE PHYSICIST... JOKES

(an all-original composition by Paula D.(lawyer) and Stephen K. (physicist)Reprints with acknowledgments allowed.

(a lawyer from the Pacific and a physicist from Europe team-up for the Science Humor Ring)

1. Conservation of Energy - the total energy (i.e. the sum of potential and kinetic energy) of a closed system doesnt change under the influence of conservative forces. Closed means that the system doesnt exchange matter with its environment.

<A lawyer should never transform potential to kinetic energy without the appropriate safeguards for payment of attorney's fees. The law firm is a closed system too, determined by conservative forces in that - in a law firm you NEVER change the established rule that :"Once the client sits down in front of you, the clock starts ticking and so does billing time." Try changing that and YOU GET FIRED !>

2. Conservation of Momentum - momentum is the product of mass and

velocity. As energy is related to time, momentum is to space.

<Mass and velocity - the more cases you have, the faster you must work or you lose all of them, including your job. Energy is related to time in that you have more energy before your court hearings in the morning, and depletion usually occurs in the afternoon or when the coffeemaker suddenly churns out decaf.>

3. Newton's First Law - a body on which no forces are acting will continue in its state of motion. This means it will stay at rest, if it has been resting initially, or will move in a straight line at constant

speed. Moving straight or being at rest is physically equivalent.

<If a Partner is not watching, lawyers will continue chit-chatting or just stay idle behind their desks. But once a Partner appears, they start walking in a straight line, at constant speed back to their rooms.....>

4. Heinsenberg's uncertainty principle - the more precise you measure where a thing is, the smaller is your knowledge about its velocity and vice-versa

<a criminal can defy all laws of gravity, in fact, his flight can be faster than the speed of light.... you switch on the light, and he suddenly disappears...and he was there awhile ago !!! no physicist would want to measure his velocity...wanna get killed while measuring ????>

5. Quantum Zenon effect - you can keep a system from changing by repeatedly measuring the state of the system

<if you keep annoying the judge, you are liable to be cited for

contempt. But UNLIKE quantum zenon effect, the system can REALLY

change.....you can end up in jail and no amount of physics will save you, better post bail, honey>

6. Theory of Relativity - E= mc^2

<in legal terms it just means ---> Energy = mass of clients (squared, or the more the merrier...the more energy you have :) OR

Energy = mass of money of clients, squared or otherwise.

7. Principle of General Relativity - one cannot distinguish between gravity and acceleration....so for example in a case of free fall, you feel weightless because the effects of gravity and downward acceleration just cancel.

<sometimes you want to stand up, but when you see your calendar of

deadlines, you sit down again (gravity)...then when the Partner calls you to report on the status of the case at the upper floor, it seems the elevator just wont move and seems to want to stay at your floor....then voila ! it happens.... the great theory of general relativity - if you havent done your assignments on time, you fall into irreparable embarrassment, you just fall.....fall....fall.....deeper and deeper...your status in the law firm cant accelerate any faster...you just go with gravity - down, down, down...

This gravity thing should be repealed ! LOL

-End-

Q: What did one photon say to the other photon?

A: I'm sick and tired of your interference.

My sibling was asking me about the orbits of planets and the amount of area swept in any given time. I had to ask him, "Am I my brother's Kepler?"

OK, here are some Physics Song Titles to guess.

Solution after spoiler. Followups over my dead body.

1. zzzzzzz>400nm

2. E>>0

3. L

4. t=0

1. I dream in Infrared (Accept??)

2. High Energy (?)

3. Action (The Sweet)

4. Time's Up! (Living Colour)

4b Surely t=0 is an initial condition, which reminds me of 'In the

beginning', 'We've only just begun', 'Begin again', 'Start all over' etc.

oh and you've missed off the most obvious:

5. E=mc^2

A. E=mc^2 (Big Audio Dynamite)

Maybe Schrödinger isn't the best choice, but here it is:

Q: What is Schoedinger's parakeet called?

A: Ein Teilchensittich.

(Kekul, of course, has an orthokeet... as long as the hoop snake didn't

get to it.)

Explanation German.

Sittich is German for parrot

Wellensittich is German for parakeet

Welle is German for wave.

Teilchen is German for particle.

There is no Sittich. There is, though, a Wellensittich, which by

wave-particle duality becomes a Teilchensittich.

"Absolute zero is cool."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says,

"Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!"

The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"

"Yes, I'm positive!"

So the 2nd atom asks: "Quantum well - what are ya gunnadoo abootit?

and the 1st atom, after having a few, replies:

"In principle, I am uncertain about getting charged,

maybe its gone off on the great cosmic wave train,

or eloped with a stray alpha particle.

Maybe I'm just losing my attraction?

Maybe I've taken one too many hits from the lab.

Maybe I should just decay right here in this bar."

At that moment, a delightful little e- flies through the

aether of the inter-atomic realms and settles in a mutually

comfortable 1920's eigenstatechair near the virtuous pair,

and says to the two atoms:

"Hope you guys are not molecular"

So the 1st atom perks up and says:

"Naa: just been surfin' and think I lost an electron"

The 2nd atom finishes his drink and leaves, saying:

"Gunna split. Gotta DNA contract this evenin'"

And as the sun sets slowly in the west, and the crescent moon

rises only just a little faster over the eastern ridges of

the atomic horizon, the atom and the electron take a stroll

under the emergent stars, and know with a growing certaintly

that they are not just some loose charges looking for a little

physical action, but in fact the beginning of a newly created

completeness in the midst of the cosmic harmony - if only for

a picosecond.

Albert puts down his stopwatch and smiles, despite the

reception of his theory.

A hydrogen atom came running into a police station asking for help....

Hydrogen atom: Someone just stole my electron!!

Policeman: Are you sure?

Hydrogen atom: Yes, I'm positive

(Smile)

policeman: Oh, I thought you were just being negative again.

Two sodium atoms are flying around a cyclotron. Suddenly the first atom said to the second, `Hey, I think I've just lost an electron.' `Are you sure?' asked the second atom. `Yeah,' said the first, `I'm positive.' Of course, the _real_ joke is that neither sodium atom could have been flying around the cyclotron in the first place, unless they were _already_ ionized. (collapses to the floor, gasping for breath and chuckling hysterically while everyone else in the room edges nervously away)

Years ago, when I lived in Topanga, California (near LA) I had a magnetic sign on my car saying REPEAL OHM'S LAW with my phone number. As a result I received a number of interesting calls. One was from a physics professor at UCLA. He said he was all in favor of repealing Ohm's Law, but requested that I wait until the end of the quarter so he wouldn't have to rewrite his lecture notes. Allan wrote that he was "on the committee to revoke Ohm's Law". Let me guess: Ohm's Law: is that the one about sitting crosslegged and chanting "Ohm! Ohm! Ohm!" ? Watt is Ohm's law and who volted it into existence? Has it met with any resistance in its application? Please respond quickly because my hair is on end and my emotional life has become static while awaiting an answer. Gus Seligmann Ohm's Law was good enough in its time, but that time is past. It is a rankly discriminatory piece of legislation and should be repealed or severely amended. Current should be directly proportional to BOTH voltage and resistance, or inversely proportional to both, or proportional to neither.

The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.

Q: What is a tachyon? A: A sub-atomic particle devoid of good taste.

Albert Einstein had been working on his theory of relativity a lot and he was just about finished. He was almost ready to publish his work. However, he was under a lot of stress so he thought he would go on vacation to Mexico.

Albert had a glorious two week vacation and was having the time of his life. On the last night he was staying there he decided to take a walk along the beach and watch the sunset.

As he watched the sun go down he thought of the light of the sun and then the speed of light. You see, he had been using the speed of light in a lot of his calculations but he didn't decided on what symbol to use for it. Greek had been so overused.

Just at that moment Senior Wensez was also walking along the beach in the opposite direction. Albert caught him out of the corner of his eye and remarked suddenly, "Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is very fast?"

Senior Wensez paused for a moment and replied, "Si."

Two electron convicts are sitting in a jail cell together. The first one says, "What are you in for?" The second one says, "For attempting a forbidden transition."

Q: What do physicist enjoy doing the most at baseball games? A: The 'wave'.

Q: What is uttered by a sick duck? A: Quark!

Q: What is an astronomical unit? A: One helluva big apartment

Prof: Some people have proposed using Krypton gas in scintillator detectors. Grad Student: Won't that scare away the superstrings?

What is a quantum particle? The dreams that stuff is made of!

Q: What do you call it when atomic scientists grab their rods and gather around the old watering hole?

A: Nuclear fishin'

A Simpleton's Guide to Science (stolen from UK magazine)

Relativity : Family get-togethers at Christmas

Gravity : Strength of a glass of beer

Time travel : Throwing the alarm clock at the wall

Black holes : What you get in black socks

Critical mass: A gaggle of film reviewers

Hyperspace : Where you park at the superstore

Q:Does light have mass? A:Of course not. It's not even Catholic!!!

Q: What do you call the sum of the diagonal elements of the tensor of inertia? A:The spur of the moment.

Quantumtheory of Politics

by Steffen Knack

Abstract :

An introductory summary about failed attempts to employ quantitative

methods to social and political sciences is given. A new and hopefully

successful attempt will be presented by using theories and methods derived

from modern quantum physics.

Introduction

It has long been seen as a major weakness of the social and political

sciences that they lack the mathematical precision, which has been the key to the great successes of the natural sciences. As a consequence great expectations [1] have been set in almost every new mathematical theory of the last decades, e.g. catastrophe theory and chaos theory. Yet, while it is from a intuitive point of view logical to try to adopt catastrophe or chaos theory to politics, experience has shown that only the names but not the mathematical substance of these theories are well suited for this task [2].

Catastrophe theory deals with the structural stability and instability of potentials. While no-one can deny that there are many instabilities in world politics, the existence of a structure is by no means evident. Indeed the failure of this theory gives prove of the total absence of any structure whatsoever.

A first view at chaos theory, which deals with very complex systems, again suggests a successful application in political science. A closer look however reveals that chaos theory is only applicable to the so-called determined chaos, which evolves out of a set of well defined rules. Anyone who wants to try to establish a set of rules in politics, clearly lacks any sense of reality. This means that chaos theory will turn out - and indeed has already done so - to be a again a complete failure.

In this grim situation there might nevertheless be hope coming from a

direction the least expected : quantum physics. In the following we will give a rough outline of the basic features of quantum theory. The main part of this work consists of practical applications which show a first glimpse of future triumphs in this field.

Theory of Quantum Physics

The overwhelming success of quantum theory stems from the fact that from the very beginning it is concerned with probabilities rather than

certainties. These probabilities are mathematically represented by

wave-functions which are vectors of an abstract Hilbertspace or in the case of many-particle systems a Fockspace. The time development of these functions is given by Schroedinger's equation

i/h * d/dt(Psi) = H(t) * Psi

where H(t) is the so-called Hamiltionian of the system. Of the many results which can be deduced using this seemingly simple equation we will make mostly use of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle which states

dX * dP > h/2 or dE * dt > h/2

This shall suffice as a short introduction to the most important concepts of quantum physics and we will proceed with the more interesting part of applications in politics.

Application of Quantum Physics in Politics

The System of German Democracy

As it is always best to use specific examples for illustration, we will

start out with describing the German Democracy in terms of quantum

theory. The first step is to choose a irreducible base of our system, which is given by |CDU>, |SPD>, |FDP>, |Greens>, |PDS>. Let us assume for sake of simplicity that Germany is a closed system, i.e. we will at first neglect the impact of foreign policy. A rather simple calculation then yields the astonishing result that Kohl is an eigenvalue of German Democracy (unfortunately the 1998 national elections have taken place meanwhile, contradicting this and the following statements [3]. Yet, recognizing the clarity and logic of the reasoning we prefer theory to reality). Given an eigenvalue and the corresponding eigenfunction, which here evidently is the |CDU>|FDP> coalition, one can always eliminate time dependence. This means we have found a static solution which solves the time-independent Schroedinger equation

H Psi(Kohl) = E(Kohl) * Psi(Kohl)

Thus we have derived very easily an explanation for the fact that there has been no progress in Germany for the last 14 years.

Next, we want to analyse political elections. As an example, let us

consider the question of the probability of a political change after the next election. (The reader is asked to keep in mind, that these

probabilities have already turned into certainties, which, while having

been very unlikely, are now certain.) It is evident to every physicist that one only has to calculate the matrix element of transition

W = <CDU|E1998|SPD>

where E1998 is the election-operator of 1998 (which is of course hermite, the outcome of elections being an observable). We now have only to consult linear algebra and to remember that |CDU> and |SPD> both belong to an orthogonal base to see that

W=0

We want to remark here that the above calculation holds only if the system is not observed, because only then can the time-development described by Schroedinger's equation be applied. Any observation of the system will of course lead to an immediate collapse of the wave-function. Thus as an spin-off from our calculation we now understand why polls frequently fail to produce correct predictions (and we have found someone to blame: this damned pollsters ruined our nice paper) .

World Trade and National Politics

As we now turn our attention towards global economics we will find the

Heisenberg relations to be of great practical use. The world wide free

trade like it is set down in the GATT treaty [4] means an increase in dX which infers an decrease in dP. As E is given in the non-relativistic case as E = P^2/(2m) this means that dE also decreases, which again results in dt getting bigger. Thus we have found a theoretical explanation for the empirically well known fact, that in global trade delivery times tend to be longer than in regional markets.

Another question of great interest is the problem of the influence of

national policies in a world of global markets. Concerning world trade

national governments can almost only resort to tariffs and customs. In our quantum theory we can describe this situation in terms of potential

barriers which are setup by national governments. International trade now means nothing else than the scattering of particles by these potential barriers. Thus we are able to take the well established facts of the quantum theory of scattering and apply them to our problem. The first result that we obtain is the fact that the higher the potential barrier (i.e. the higher the customs) the less likely are foreign goods to enter the local market. This is in perfect agreement with the predictions of the standard theories of economics [5]. But our theory does more than that : We see for instance that not only the height of the potential barrier but also its width is of importance, which means that import duties of big national economies like the USA or Japan influence world economics rather more than smaller economies like Costa Rica or Liechtenstein. Even such irregular phenomena like smuggling and bootlegging, which the older theories regularly failed to describe, are an integral part of quantum theory represented by the well investigated tunneling phenomena. We see that the whole variety and complexity of international economics can thus be described with quantum theory.

Conclusion

We have tried to choose the most simple and vivid examples and generally have kept mathematics to a minimum. Yet, even those few examples give a glimpse of the vast variety of possible future applications of this approach. When one considers that we didn't even use powerful concepts and theories like quantum field theory, Feynman diagrams and the violation of parity by weak interaction, one cannot be but awe-stricken by the thought of what will become possible in the future. We personally set our highest hopes in the CPT-Theorem and its consequences for politics. If policies can be developed which show an invariance under time reversal this could be the answer to the socio-economic and political problems of our troubled days [6].

Acknowledgments

This work has been funded under no grant whatsoever [7].

Literature

[1] C. Dickens, Great Expectations, London (1861)

[2] C. Dickens, Hard Times, London (1854)

[3] B. Joel, Getting it right the first time, The Stranger,

Joelsongs (1977)

[4] J. Irving, The World According to GATT, Random House, New York

(1976)

[5] O.V. Trebeis, Nationaloekonomologie, Tuebingen (1988)

[6] Supertramp, Crisis ? What crisis ?, A&M Records (1975)

[7] Beatles, You never give me your money, Abbey Road, Emi Records

(1969)

from the Car Talk Mailbag...

Dear Tom and Ray,

I would like to discuss a subject that I am sure most individuals simply take as a fact of our daily existence: losing things!

An example: on more than one occasion while working on the car, I would

drop something--a nut or bolt--and look for it in every location it

could possibly have landed, only to discover that it was just not there. What would add to the frustration of the whole experience was that once I had surrendered to the futility of the search, there the object would be...in plain sight.

My mother used to say when something had strangely disappeared that it

had fallen into a void. Later, when the object was recovered, it had

somehow fallen back out of the void. That explanation did not satisfy my need to understand this mysterious phenomenon. I am happy to announce, after years of diligent effort, the answer is available.

The turning point in the investigation was the realization that certain

types of materials have a greater chance of being affected by this

phenomenon. (This was discovered only after the disappearance of socks

was found to be caused by an entirely different set of circumstances.)

While this temporary disappearance can happen to any object under the

right conditions, it occurs more often in metal objects subjected to a

great deal of stress in their formation (i.e., nuts, bolts, earrings,

keys, etc.).

What occurs is that when the object falls and strikes the ground, this

causes vibration at the atomic level. In objects with a highly ordered

crystalline structure (metals), it is possible to get all the atoms to

vibrate in unison if the object is below a certain limiting size. So

this usually happens only to small objects; the conditions required for

this to happen to very large items will be discussed later. When the

neutrons vibrate in unison it causes the subatomic gravitons to emit a

type of energy not yet fully understood. The phenomenon has been named

Graviton Oscillation Neutron Emission, or GONE for short. This energy

field actually causes the object to shift in relative time. The degree

of temporal shift is dependent on the amount of energy released It may

shift just a few moments, in which case you may find the object while

conducting your search. On other occasions it may take minutes, hours or months, or you may never catch up with the item in the stream of time.

For larger objects the energy from the impact is not sufficient to cause a shift in time. However, sympathetic vibrations due to resonance can spread throughout the structure, causing the temporal shift to occur later. This has been observed in mall parking lots where a car door had been slammed, and after a few minutes have passed the car disappears. This phenomenon is usually accompanied by a position shift as well, such that when the automobile reappears, it is in a different parking space than the one you are quite sure you left it in. In a few instances the vehicles have been found miles away from the point of disappearance, somewhat worse for wear from their journey through time and space. And often missing tires and electronic components, oddly enough.

So, now that this phenomenon is understood, it should relieve us all of

unnecessary anxiety. When you can't find your keys or your car, just

wait--it's only GONE temporarily. It will pop up when it falls out of

the void.

OBSERVATION OF WARM NUCLEAR FUSION IN CONDENSED SOUP

by Joseph D. Lykken

Santa Cruz Inst. for Particle Physics

Univ. of Calif., Santa Cruz, CA 95064

(Work supported by DOE, contract DE-AA03-76SF00010)

ABSTRACT

We report the observation of warm nuclear fusion of deuteron pairs

catalyzed by a concentrated colloidal suspension of avian lipids. We

present a simple theoretical model relating this process to superstring

theory, quantum wormholes, fractal geometry, and high temperature

superconductors. A straightforward scaling argument shows that the total annual energy requirements of the United States can be produced from approximately 137.03602 g of catalyst.

1. INTRODUCTION

Recent observations of cold nuclear fusion of deuteron pairs, through

electrolysis in solutions of metallic salts, has generated considerable

excitement in the physics community and elsewhere. The fusion catalysis process described by Fleischmann and Pons does, however, have several drawbacks when considered as a putative means of mass power generation. The process is slow, requiring a continuous electrical power input of several hours before the onset of fusion. In addition, this process requires costly palladium or titanium cathodes, as well as highly toxic combinations of dissolved metallic salts.

The modified *warm* fusion process which we have discovered (independently) and which is described in this paper suffers none of these disadvantages. In our process, the salt solution is augmented by a concentrated colloidal suspension of certain avian lipid compounds, available in an inexpensive commercial preparation (i.e., Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup) in arbitrarily large quantities. This preparation is not only nontoxic, but actually healthful. Instead of requiring several hours of applied external current, our process induces fusion after gentle heating to 90 degrees Celsius, maintained for five minutes. The palladium cathode is replaced by an inexpensive chromium-plated utensil, which is given an approximately circular motion induced by elementary mechanical means.

Since our fusion catalysis technique is so simple, we will not belabor the description of the process itself, but instead focus on the analysis of the data and present an obvious theoretical model for the underlying physics.

2. NEUTRON CALORIMETRY AND DATA ANALYSIS

Although, as we shall demonstrate, our warm fusion technique can readily produce a net power output in the terawatt range, our initial experimental setup operated at a more modest scale. Rather than resorting to direct detection of fusion product neutrons, we employed a highly accurate neutron calorimetry procedure. We first measured the total external power supplied to our system. This involved reading the electric meter on the circuit containing our (electrically powered) heating apparatus, and correcting for other power drains on the circuit, such as lightbulbs, radios, and video cassette recorders. We then corrected this power reading for the electricity/heat conversion efficiency of our apparatus, taken from an authoritative source (c.f. _The World Book Encyclopedia_). Further corrections were made for cosmic ray background radiation incident on our apparatus, energy deposition from proton decay within the apparatus, and

additional heat from minor amounts of paprika contamination.

To determine the total energy output from 300 seconds of catalyzed fusion events, 400 cc of the solution was ingested by a 75 kg male homo sapien volunteer subject. After a short digestion period, the subject was led through a series of mechanical tasks ("The Jane Fonda Ultimate Challenge Workout") and the resulting power output -- estimated by sophisticated nonlinear biodynamic integro-differential hyperelliptic functional analysis, simulated numerically on a Cray XMP supercomputer. Details of this analysis will be presented in a future publication.

The results of our analysis for a 400 cc catalytic solution were as

follows:

Total average external power input: {hfill}1193.762 watts

Total average power output:{hfill} 1196.885 watts

Net average power output due to fusion: {hfill} 3.123 watts

3. THEORETICAL MODEL

Although our experimental results may seem somewhat surprising to the

uninitiated, there is a simple theoretical explanation of the underlying physics responsible for efficient warm fusion catalysis in lipid suspensions. As is well known, the principal obstacle to deuteron fusion is the Coulombic potential barrier induced by the electrostatic repulsion of the positively charged particles. A straightforward application of ten-dimensional heterotic superstring dynamics shows that deuterons can percolate through the Coulomb barrier through the spontaneous generation of quantum wormholes. One can easily see why this process is enhanced in the presence of suspended avian lipids by applying the Anthropic Principle. Obviously, if the laws of physics did not produce such an enhancement, we could not have observed it in our universe, and a contradiction of our material existence would result. The perforation of the Coulomb barrier by

quantum wormholes is elegantly described in terms of fractal geometry; an analytic continuation to planar surfaces produces analogous electromagnetic anomalies in resonant spin liquids, thus explaining the behavior of high temperature superconductors. Details of this model will appear in a future publication.

4. FUTURE OUTLOOK

We have considered the problem of scaling up our warm fusion technique to provide the commercial and strategic defense power requirements of the United States. The appropriate scaling law was obtained by repeating our initial experiment, but adding only half as much water to our commercial preparation as called for in the instructions. With this additional concentration of the catalytic solution, we obtained a net power output increase of 0.00016%. Clearly, by continuing to halve the amount of added water, we can obtain an arbitrarily high power of this enhancement factor, and thus any level of power output desired. We estimate that, by limiting the amount of added water to 3 micrograms (easily accomplished through national technical means), more than 10 terawatts of warm fusion power could be produced.

We strongly urge, and fervently hope, that the power of chicken soup will only be used for peaceful purposes.

Crank Unified Theories: The CUTting edge of Fuzzy Science

Quite recently the Institute of Fuzzy Science has announced the discovery of several bold new theories, providing a unified explanation, or at least excuse, for a broad range of natural phenomena. These theories are both extremely ambitious in their scope and modest in their assumptions. Their main trait is that they deduce a great deal from practically nothing.

The creation of Crank Unified Theories is an old and honorable tradition, dating back to prehistoric times, when our ancient ancestors looked around them and asked, "How the heck did *this* all get here?" The process was lent considerable prestige by such luminaries as Aristotle and Ptolemy, in the classical age, and continues up to this day. One recent idea by a worker outside the Institute was Photon Mechanics, which postulated that all fundamental particles were composed of photons. In an attempt to prove this, he tried to synthesize a meal from gamma rays. Unfortunately, the food immediately propagated away at 299,000 kilometers per second, leaving

critics of the light lunch unsatisfied.

"Terrible," one physicist commented. "Much too bland." Others seemed to agree.

The CUTs produced at the Institute of Fuzzy Science are notable in that

they all contradict each other, and sometimes themselves. Thus, few would argue that all, or even most, are correct. The most successful theory to date is that of Dr. Isaac M. Woozy, commonly known as Woozy Theory. Woozy Theory has proven capable of predicting practically anything you put to it.

What is Woozy Theory? In its simplest outlines, it is an attempt to

describe nature by unifying three separate realms of observation: General Relativity, Quantum Mechanics, and Scrabble. By adopting a three pronged approach the theory is able to resolve the apparent contradictions between each of the sub-theories.

"I believe that the problems of earlier researchers," stated Dr. Woozy, "arose from treating the subjects piecemeal. A unified approach is required." He cites difficulties with Superstring Theory, Quantum

Scrabble, and Scrabble in Curved Spacetime. In each case, he maintains, difficulties arose from neglecting a broad class of other phenomena. "My discovery was serendipitous," he recalls. "I'd been wrestling with various theories for weeks without getting anywhere. Finally, in my office, I picked up Merzbacher's Quantum Mechanics in one hand and Misner, Thorne and Wheeler's Gravitation in the other -- well, I touched it, anyway, it's too heavy to lift. Just as I was staring at both of them, my Scrabble set fell from the top shelf and hit me on the head."

With the blow came illumination. If one merely assumes that Scrabble must exist, the rest of nature follows. Gravity, for example, is necessary to keep the pieces on the board. Electromagnetism provides light, to see the letters with. One critic pointed out the possibility of magnetized pieces; Woozy pondered for hours until he had resolved the conflict to his satisfaction.

"One not only needs gravity to keep the pieces on the board," he explained, "but also to provide an atmosphere, so the players can breathe." When the critic began to suggest pressure suits and space colonies, Woozy silenced him with a skillfully thrown paperweight.

"I take my work seriously," he declared.

Most exciting of all, Woozy theory provides the first coherent explanation for the universe as a whole. If Scrabble is necessary, then so are players, and a universe to play in. Woozy calls this the "Really Strong" or "Scrabble" Anthropic Principle. Humans (or at least intelligent beings) are necessary, providing an order to biological evolution which has been lacking since the failure of the Chain of Being. This also suggests that if aliens exist, they may well play Scrabble.

"That doesn't mean that they will speak English, necessarily," Woozy added cautiously. "There are foreign language versions, after all. And the point values may differ, somewhat." He suggested to SETI that they listen for very long range Play By Mail games. At present, his suggestion has not been acted on. "They're just miffed that they didn't think of it," Woozy sniffed.

Rival theories include unifying QFT and GR with chess or checkers, or even tic-tac-toe. While the originators of these theories remain hopeful, Woozy is pessimistic.

"Those games are extremely difficult to unify with Quantum Mechanics,"

Woozy explained, "since they lack an element of chance. And tic-tac-toe doesn't even have pieces, so gravity is pretty shaky as well. Plus it's a drawn game (no pun intended). Who'd want to live in a universe that boring?" Woozy also recalled an early game of quantum chess: "After about thirty moves, black was both mated and not mated. It made for terrible arguments."

Are these, or similar theories, the answer to the riddle of the universe?

Most observers doubt it. Still, as Dr. Woozy himself points out, "What the heck, it keeps us off the streets."

BULLETIN BOARD BIOMASS: An Energy Alternative for the 21st Century

Richard L. Hoffmann, Ph.D. AESOP

Loco Director, Division of High Entropy Chemical Physics and Nuisance Herbs, Tuscarora, 75757

Introduction:

That we are enjoying a lull in the great energy wars of the past decades must not diminish our commitment to developing a means by which our nation may gain freedom from the threat of the oil embargo. Scientists at the Loco Institute of Educational Synectics (LIES) have been working diligently toward a solution to this imminent problem. We are pleased to announce a major breakthrough that we believe can meet our nation's energy needs now and in the foreseeable future. It involves a heretofore unknown violation of the law of conservation of matter. Though the law states that matter cannot be created or destroyed, only changed from one form to another, Loco research and management personnel, subsequently abetted by various funding and government agencies, have discovered that matter can apparently be created out of nothingness. The discovery is remarkable in that the demonstrated process is able to generate huge volumes of combustible cellulosic material with a single and quite familiar transducer -- a bulletin board.

Historical:

The biomass converters and the application described herein originated

in 1967 at our institution's satellite facility, Informational

Coprocessors Corporated (ICC) initially housed in temporary buildings

located on a bluff above the Illinois river near Washington, Illinois.

Though the staff was small, an astute member of our team noticed early

on that bulletin boards tend to fill spontaneously with bulletins. It

made no difference where the bulletin board was located -- if nearly

empty one day, it would be found full the next. No one was ever able to

observe directly a bulletin board in the act of biomass proliferation.

However, many have witnessed the staggering quantities of sheet firewood that each unit was able to accumulate.

Presently, we have a team investigating a possible inverse relationship

between the growth rates of bulletin board biomass and that of the

elusive Morel mushroom -- no one has ever seen one of them grow either.

We hope to publish that research at a later date in the Journal of

Manure Science.

Experimental:

Preliminary experiments indicated that bulletin boards under the control of administrative personnel held the greatest potential as a source of biomass. Theirs were emblazoned with colorful and varied biomass units which were easy to see and harvest. Each fuel pod was affixed to the substrate with a quartet of convenient and easily removed needle-like units that bore a cylindrical plastic appurtenance designed to be gripped with the fingers; a degenerate form of the device is recognized as a thumbtack. On administrative terrain, at least, it appeared to matter little if the bulletin boards were inside enclosures. Although harvest was somewhat encumbered by an enclosure, it seemed to have no retardant effect whatever on the rate at which the board was able to breed copious biomass.

Field tests carried out on experimental plots throughout the Loco

Institute revealed that there was an optimum harvest-to-latency period

which influenced yields. Apparently, as biomass accumulates, the

supporting acreage is unable to maintain further production. This

clearly indicated that if sustained high yields were to be enjoyed, a

program of vigorous pruning must be implemented and maintained

throughout the useful lifetime of the biomass generator.

----------

It is imperative that we insert a cautionary note for any who may

implement our proposal -- the process can very easily run out of control and generate consequences ghastly to contemplate and impossible to rectify. Kinetic studies indicate that the rate determining reaction is zero order -- concentration dependent on nothing. It is a

hyperbolic-hypergolic chain reaction that is impossible to moderate once it has proceeded beyond the induction period. We refer interested

researchers to the seminal efforts of Shmidgall, et al, "The Paper

Blob", Helvetica Federal Expressica Acta, (7), 2.71828, 1983. Loco

therefore suggests the exercise of extreme caution and it disclaims any

liability for attendant damage which may be caused by the imprudent use

of our schemata.

----------

Procedure:

In theory, virtually any fossil-fueled power plant can be modified to

use biomass that might be harvested from bulletin boards. It is proposed that we mount a national effort to place numerous bulletin boards everywhere and harvest the biomass that is all but certain to appear upon them. Small children could be trained in early life to harvest small bulletin boards, thereby becoming accustomed to the endless work they will face as adults in a world filled with these heretofore unrecognized biomass generators. They would gain an early opportunity to taste the fruits of stoop labor as they gleaned the floors for fallen biomass. Unemployment would be cut drastically because, until fully automated harvest machinery is developed, biomass collection would be labor-intensive.

Like windpower, bulletin board biomass is best exploited where it is

found in highest concentration. By coincidence, both resources are in

bountiful supply in Washington, D.C. and in any organization that deals

with governmental agencies. Washington windpower has already been

treated in our paper, "The Bicameral Ram-Air Effect: A Biometric Boom",

-- Journal of Kinetic Flatulence (37), Pork 3.14159, 1978. -- and is

beyond the scope of the present treatment.

Other promising locations for bulletin board biomes include areas near

the offices of safety inspectors, union chiefs, athletic managers and

their supporters, near time-clocks, plant gates, bureaucrats both major

and minor, staff mailboxes, and anywhere bulletin boards are found in

educational institutions -- it is well known that those sited there are

pretreated with a redolent spawn of academic humus which can attract

substantial biomass.

Because everyone represents a cog somewhere in a bureaucratic machine,

each has a capacity to make some contribution to the solution of our

nation's energy problem. Supervisory and administrative personnel are in the best position to take the lead in this effort. Admittedly, their

biomass generators are state-of-the-art devices. That fact notwithstanding, each of us has an obligation to make whatever

contribution we can by emulating their example; alas, to equal them is

known to be impossible.

Prognosis:

We envision vast fleets of combines groaning across the limitless

bureaucratic veldt. Biomass from these sources alone appears to be

infinite. Preliminary data suggest it is quite possible that a

nation-wide effort to establish even a few properly sited small bulletin board biomass farms could produce annual yields that would easily outstrip the accumulated tonnage of planetary copies of the National Geographic Magazine, -- J. Irr. Results., (20), No.3, 22, 1974. For this reason we offered the earlier caveat; the concept is not trivial and merits all due caution.

Because it will be impossible to stockpile the overwhelming tide of

biomass that will result once such farms are established, the citizenry

must be carefully reprogrammed to abandon their misguided notions as to

the benefits of energy conservation. They should be encouraged to raise their energy demands by whatever means at their disposal. This includes building homes with extra bathrooms so that all children could be retrained to leave the lights on. The scientific community is encouraged to step up its activities in genetic engineering so that we may develop humans with six ears and thus make it possible for everyone to own and use more powerful portable stereo sound systems. The Sahara could be air conditioned by use of a heat pump connected to the North pole. Some of the excess energy could be used to provide each citizen with his/her own black hole and thereby solve the problem of litter, pollution, and overpopulation in one fell swoop.

Conclusion:

Definitive experiments have clearly established that there is no

theoretical limit to the size of the harvest that may be obtained from

bulletin boards. No one has ever seen an empty bulletin board. Large or

small, each is capable of a truly frightening fecundity only approached

in vigor by a congressman's relentless quest for perquisites in an age

of economic shortfall or by the academician's penchant for junketing.

Loco directors and staff scientists work tirelessly in the service of

our nation toward the end that one day our cracked organization will be

the first to overthrow the second law of thermodynamics. After which,

energy will breed energy and all may enjoy the life they deserve.

Acknowledgments:

This work was supported by a grant from International Drone-Lassitude

Enterprises (IDLE). The author wishes to express his appreciation to B.

Cook, a Loco staff scientist, for his helpful laboratory work and the

statistical data on which this study is based.

------------------------------------------------

Dr. Verhagen,

Thank you for your speedy response regarding our paper on Bulletin Board

Biomass (BBB)-- and for your willingness to include it in your very

fascinating web-site.

Indeed, we are in agreement with your reviewer regarding the perpetual

motion aspects of BBB. Thus, our precautionary note that once initiated, the process could have consequences too ghastly to behold.

Early on, before relevant experimental parameters were fully

established, a quite modest pilot plant experiment ran amok. To bring

matters under control we were forced to back-feed the excess electricity from our generator into the power grid. Our local coal-fired utility company was subsequently forced to cut itself from the national grid for almost 13 days. Alas, ramifications spread. Trainloads of coal backed up at the local deposition points snarled traffic for almost a month.

I would be pleased to send you full technical details of this incident.

However, documents regarding it were stored in an unused closet that

inadvertently contained a few coat-hangers. As you know, left

unattended, coat-hangers can multiply more quickly than a Cray. Though

this (storage) incident occurred some years ago, we are still entangled

in the process of untangling tons of coat-hanger tangles. Several

members of our team, unable to cope with the strain, have withdrawn from our program and are now resting comfortably in the care of Dr. Anthony Hopkins at a resort named "Wellville."

I hope these remarks are clarify our paper. Should you wish to append

them to its presentation we would be agreeable.

Sincerely,

Richard L. Hoffmann, Ph.D.

Loco Director of Research

Parallel Universe Consortium

Dear Mr. Templeton:

Due to frustrations I have experienced in recent months, I am forced to

turn to you for help. For you see, I have made a remarkable discovery, that at present, I have had little luck in impressing upon a public made overly skeptical by wild and unsubstantiated claims made by crackpot media hounds posing as scientists. These imposters have sullied the public mind to true and enlightened breakthroughs, and I have been unable to have my work taken seriously at any of the well-respected scientific journals. I turn to you in desperation, and I know that my evidence will meet with unbiased, objective reason before your forum.

I have discovered that a simple organic fabric, liberally soaked in an

aqueous solution of di-hydrogen oxide, and then spun in a high temperature superconducting gyroscope, will experience a anomalous weight loss due, or the most part, to a cold fusion reaction.

I describe my experimental procedure: An ordinary, carefully sorted load of all cotton fabrics was soaked in a distilled solution of di-hydrogen oxide. This load was carefully weighed and then put into the high temperature superconducting gyroscope. After a thirty minute exposure to a lateral spin, the load was removed and carefully weighed a second time. In every case, the second measurement indicated an anomalous weight reduction.

Due to the absence of the aqueous solution after the spin, I theorize that this weight reduction is caused by a cold fusion reaction between the two hydrogen atoms in the di-hydrogen oxide molecule to produce one helium and one oxygen molecule. Since helium is lighter than air, perhaps this contributes to the weight reduction. The fact that I was unable to detect a noticeable release of heat confirms that this is in fact cold fusion. I expect that the organic nature of the cotton fabric in some way provides a catalyst for this reaction to take place. With this in mind, I attempted to determine if live organic matter would increase the effect. Unfortunately, the experiment was unconclusive as my cat, Fluffy, failed to remain in a live state over the duration of the experiment. Four further experiments, using various rodents, achieved similar results, leading me to conclude that the anomalous weight loss effect is not a suitable diet technique for humans.

I know that the gyroscope is superconducting since the metal casing is

clearly marked "Amana Superconvection Dryer." Now, as we all know,

convection is nearly the same as conduction, so this is what they must

really mean. I know that it is a high-temperature superconductor because the temperature switch was set on "High" throughout the experiment.

The ramifications of this discovery are enormous. However, my every attempt to describe this important effect has fallen on deaf ears. Please help me spread the word about this earth-shattering breakthrough.

The Philogiston Theory of Electronics*

A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,

realization of a Basic Truth came to me. So simple! So obvious we

couldn't see it! John Kuivinen, Chairman of the Palomar Repeater

Committee, (an amateur radio group), I think has discovered what makes

intigrated circuits work. He says that smoke (yes, you read smoke) is the thing that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of it, the IC stops working. I was flabbergasted!!! Why of course he's right!!!

Smoke makes all things electrical work. Remember the last time the smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator? Didn't it stop working?

I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth dawned. It's the

wiring harness that carries smoke from one device to another in your

machine and when the harness springs a leak, it lets the smoke out all at once, and then nothing works. Can't you see now why motors have to be large to handle all that smoke, and don't they have smoke all over the inside when they quit working? Think about it!

* Original author's name not available or he didn't want credit.

ELEPHANT COLLIDERS

It's very tricky & very expensive to collide sub atomic particles

together. CERN is such a drain, so perhaps we need a new method. Lets

collide something bigger together. If we can see the particles, it's so

much easier.

Lets use elephants on rollerskates.

One elephant is launched down a ramp towards a stationary target

elephant. As they impact they can richoche off each other or merge to

become a compound animal. This will then emit other animals and decay to something more stable, like a Giraffe.

Using this new method, Physicists have discovered that the wombat is

responsible for carrying the charge between electrons, not the

photons. They are now working with higher energies to create new heavier compound animals. Once a blue whale is created, scientists hope that higher energies will reveal new animals, perhaps dinosaurs.

It's also possible to examine the structure of the elephant. By firing a smaller animal, for example a badger, at the elephant it will penetrate, exposing the hidden fine structure.

The disadvantages are cleaning up afterwards. But elephants die off pretty quickly in comparison to the biproducts of nuclear fission!

From an article in Physics Today by Gary Taubs:

ONWARD TO THE DESSERTRON

The machine will be the most ambitious scientific instrument ever: a

colossal doughnut-shaped accelerator so immense that all the jelly and

cream in the world could not fill it. Dubbed the "Dessertron", it will

create twin beams of ice cream, one vanilla and one chocolate, and will

smash them together at energies of 40 trillion sprinkles (40 jimmies), one thousand times more powerful than any ice cream smasher ever made. Because matter and energy are equivalent in desserts, eternally linked by Einstein's famous equation:

(extra weight) = (mass) x (speed of consumption) squared

when these beams collide, they will do more than make soft yogurt.

Theorists believe that scattered among the debris of the collisions will be elementary flavors and new desserts hundreds of times more fattening than any known now.

"Every time we have increased energy by a factor of 1000," says

high-calorie fizzicist Sherbet Glace' of Harvard (who won the 1979 Nobel Prize for proving that at temperatures above 10 to the 28th power jimmies, strawberry rhubarb and French vanilla are both aspects of the same fundamental God-like flavor) "we have discovered something new. At one sprinkle, we discovered the banana. At one thousand, we figured out that frappes, westerns, malteds and milkshakes were simply different variations of ice cream and milk. At a million, we discovered fudge and made brownies, and were content. The next big step was another factor of 1000, and quantum crust theories were invented as well as the Little Jack Horner uncertainty principle. It's clear that what we need to do is study desserts at several trillion sprinkles."

In July, the High Calorie Dessert Advisory Panel of the Food and Drug Administration recommended that the number one priority in research for the next two decades should be the ice cream accelerator officially named the Superconducting Super Osterizer (SSO). The mammoth blender, as they have proposed it, would be as much as 120 miles in diameter with several different speeds from puree all the way through whip. It would take twelve years to build and cost $2.2 billion, but it would also chop, dice, slice, and make moist icing. Among the desserts that scientists hope the machine will find are the raspberry quark, the Higgs Sundae (which may be responsible for defining the caloric content of all fundamental desserts during spontaneous symmetry breakfasting); those desserts predicted by the

theory techniflavor, which postulates that the Higgs Sundae is not a

fundamental dessert but is actually a bound state of more elementary

desserts; and the particles of sugarsymmetry, which include spumpkin and specan pies, banino splits and banino cream pies and several different flavors of antipastries.

Ever since the SSO was proposed in July, it has become the hottest plum in science. Brighams, Carvel, Baskin-Robbins, Friendlies, LuCerne and Sealtest have already put in bids for the machine and many more are

expected. The state of Texas has promised that if the machine is built in Texas, it will pay for the tunnels and the refrigeration equipment needed to cool the ice cream down to a few degrees above absolute zero to save money on artificial preservatives. When the SSO is finished, it will assure the U.S. pre-eminence in desserts well into the 21st century, and says Carob Rumraisin, the famous Italian fizzacist and discover of intermediate vector bonbons and low-calorie cannoli, "Once this machine is built, American scientists will finally get their just desserts."

Physicists at Harwell have discovered the heaviest element

known to science, named Administratum. The new element has no

protons or electrons, and has an atomic number of zero.

However, it does have one neutron, eight assistant neutrons,

ten executive neutrons, 35 vice neutrons and 258 assistant

vice neutrons.

Administratum has an atomic mass of 311 1/2, since the neutron

is only detectable half of the time. Its 312 particles are

held together by a force which involves the continuous

exchange of meson-like particles, called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratum is completely inert.

Nevertheless, its presence can be detected because it impedes

every reaction with which it comes into contact. One

experiment, which should have lasted only a few days, is

still running after 2= years due to the addition of just one

milligramme of Administratum.

It is weakly active, and has a normal half-life of

approximately six months. After this time, it does not

actually decay, but undergoes a metamorphosis in which

assistant neutrons, executive neutrons, vice neutrons and

assistant vice neutrons exchange places. This almost

invariably leads to an increase in atomic weight, hence it is

self-sustaining.

Although it occurs widely, Administratum tends to concentrate

around large corporations, research laboratories and

government departments. It can especially be found in

recently re-organised sites, and there is reason to believe

that it is heavily involved in the processes of deforestation

and global warming.

It should be remembered that Administratum is known to be

toxic at all concentrations, and can easily destroy any

productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.

Numerous attempts have been made to determine how

Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible

damage, but results to date are not promising.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

One major problem is that proximity to this substance tends to make the

process of getting anything done (such as getting grant money) more

time-consuming, which makes the experiments in question extremely

time-consuming.

April 1, 1988: The heaviest element known to science was recently

discovered by physicists at Turgid University. The element,

tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons,

which means that its atomic number is 0. However, it does have 1

neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111

assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass number

of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force

that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called

memoons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be

detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which

it is present. According to Dr. M. Langour, one of the discoverers

of the element, a very small amount of Administratium made one reaction

that normally takes less than a second take over four days.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time

it does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in

which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons, and assistants to the

vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have indicated that the

atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganization.

Administratium was discovered by accident when Dr. Languor angrily

resigned from the chairmanship of the physics department and dumped all

of his papers into the intake hatch of the university's particle

accelerator. "Apparently, the interaction of all of those reports,

grant forms, etc. with the particles in the accelerator created the

new element." Dr. Langour explained.

Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium

might occur naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist,

Administratium is most likely to be found on college and university

campuses, near the best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of getting lost, and why humans always end up with large collections of unmatched odd socks. One school of thought says that socks are very antisocial creatures, and have a deep sense of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same design have feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found nestling up to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock).

On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a generalised

exclusion principle --- it is impossible for two socks to be in the same eigen-state, and when it's in danger of happening, one of the socks has to vanish. Indeed the Uncertainty Principle also comes in --- the only time you know where a sock is, is when you're wearing it, and hence unable to be sure exactly how fast it's moving. The moment you stop moving and look at your sock, it then starts falling to pieces, changing colour, or otherwise becoming indeterminate. Either way, socks may possess Colour and Strangeness, but they seem to lack Charm.

Theories about disappearing socks--the two you cited are wrong. It has

long been known that the sock is the larval form of the coat hanger.

BUTTERED BREAD ON THE BACK OF A CAT: WHAT FALLS FIRST.

Daniel D. Van Hoy wrote:

>Just think: When you drop a cat from a few feet, it lands upright.

>Also think: When you drop a piece of buttered bread, it lands with

>the buttered side down

>Now think: If you strapped a piece of buttered bread to the back

>of a cat, which would land first.

First the source of the forces must be understood. The force acting on the bread is not the butter, as some may think. Without the bread, butter wouldn't land bread side up, and therefore the force could not possibly be in the butter. We know the force is not the bread because it has been experimentally proven that bread does not land any particular side down without butter. The bread/butter force is caused by the fusing of bread and butter particles together. This fusion causes energy to be released in the form of shifting gravity and anti-gravity energy to opposite sides of the bread/butter continuum. The gravity energy naturally shifts to the butter since it is denser then the bread, while the anti-gravity energy shifts to the bread side.

The energy in a cat for landing on its feet comes from the feet themselves. This has been proven experimentally. Cats without feet have a near zero success rate of landing on their feet. We will call this energy cat foot energy.

Considering the equal but opposing bread/butter and cat foot forces one

would expect the cat to spin violently about its axis. However the strength of these forces must be considered. A regular cat is not structurally stable enough to withstand the torque the spinning causes. I should not have to describe the way the cat's limbs give way, the way the legs wrench around until the feet are on the same side of the cat as the butter. And thus the cat can then land on its feet, butter side down.

We are now researching the possibility of using structurally reinforced

cats for levitation systems, but so far the cost is too high to be

practical. Several attempts at producing economically viable systems were made by separating the feet so that the instability of the cat would not be a factor. At first there was dificulty because there was no cat to tie the bread to. Later it was discovered that when not attached to a cat the feet lost their cat foot force over time. It is hypothesized that the feet need to be living to exert the cat foot force, and so far no practical method has been found for keeping the feet alive other than a cat.

Attempts are also being made to breed flat cats with no legs (only feet).

There are many other problems related with this method of levitation as you may well imagine, but they are beyond the scope of this discussion.

Harold G Sputsberry PHD

Institute for Alternative Energy Research

The Dark Sucker Theory (courtesy of rec.humor.d)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,

but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't

emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove

that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs

suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in.

There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The

larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.

Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck

dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are

full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot

on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then

transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses

fossil fuel to destroy it.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't

handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage

Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied

or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from

the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating

Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel

into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a

great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating

candle. This is easily proven for lightbulbs too. When you compress a

gas, it gets hot, right? So the light bulb gets hot because of all the

dark being squished into the wires.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below

the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to

slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and

darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were

to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly

opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. So next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is not a light emitter but a Dark Sucker.

The following line doesn't quite fit into the theory but almost does : -

Ever seen the blue glow in vacuum tubes? That's because electrons are blue.

DARK CONSPIRACY INVOLVING ELECTRICAL POWER COMPANIES SURFACES

For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for which they charge a substantial rate. The recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive research campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax which has been perpetrated upon the public by the power companies. The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs emitted light; in actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb DARK which is then transported back to the power generation stations via wires. A more descriptive name has now been coined; the new scientific name is for the device is DARKSUCKER. This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark is the fastest known particle in the universe. Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK... light does not really exist!

The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck

dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are. There is much less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example.

It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on a

celestial scale; witness the Sun. Our Sun makes use of dense dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark space. Naturally, the Sun is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from the Sun. Occasionally, the Sun actually oversucks; under those conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the Sun. Scientists have long studied these 'sunspots' and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark to such an extent that some of actually leaks back into space. This leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles as they stream out into space via the black 'holes' in the surface of the Sun.

As with all manmade devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This condition can be observed by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum capacity... you have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck dark at all.

A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate because of the intense heat produced.

There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs in these devices cannot handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied (a process called 'recharging') or replaced before the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.

The darksuckers on your automobile are high capacity units with great

range, thus they require much larger dark storage units mounted under the hood of the vehicle. Since there is far more dark available in the winter season, automobile dark storage units reach capacity more frequently than they do in the summer, requiring 'recharging', or in severe cases, total replacement. Dark has great mass. When dark is drawn into a darksucker, friction caused by the speed of the dark particles (called anti-photons)actually generates substantial heat, thus it is unwise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles represent a special problem, as the dark must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat, making it very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Because dark has such great mass, it is very heavy. If you swim just below the surface of a lake, you see a lot of 'light'(absence of dark, to be more precise). As you go deeper and deeper beneath the surface, you notice it gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake, making it appear 'lighter'near the surface. The power companies have learned to use the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes by pushing it through turbines, which generate electricity to help push the dark into the ocean where it may be safely stored for their devious purposes.

Prior to the development of turbines, it was much more difficult to get the dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and developed means to assist the flow of dark on it's long journey to the ocean. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to impede the flow of dark; but when they travelled against the flow of dark, they paddled vigorously to help propel the dark along its way.

Scientists are working feverishly to develop exotic new instrumentation

with which to measure the actual speed and energy level of dark. While such instrumentation is beyond the capabilities of the average layman, you can actually perform a simple test to demonstrate the unbelievable speed of dark, right in your own home. All that is required for the simple test is a closed desk drawer situated in a bright room. You know from past experience that the tightly shut drawer is FULL of dark. Now, place your hand firmly on the drawer's handle. Quickly yank the drawer open.. the dark immediately disappears, demonstrating the blinding speed with which the dark travels to the nearest darksucker!

The secrets of dark are at present known only to the power companies. Dark must be very valuable, since they go to such lengths to collect it in vast quantities. By some well hidden method, more modern power 'generation' facilities have devised methods to hide their collection of dark. The older facilities, however, usually have gargantuan piles of solidified dark in huge fenced in areas. Visitors to these facilities are told the huge black piles of material are supplies of coal, but such is not the case.

The power companies have long used code words to hide their activities;

D.C. is Dark Conspiracy, whole A.C. is Alternate Conspiracy. The intent of the A.C. is not yet known, but the D.C. is rapidly yielding it's secrets to the probing eyes and instruments of honest scientists around the world. New developments are being announced every day and we promise to keep the public informed of these announcements as they occur via this newsletter.

Les Dark, Editor

JOKES FROM THE AMERICAN PHYSICAL SOCIETY PUBLICATIONS...(4/6/96)

Sex or physics discovers the joy of: Quite a surprise, the JOY of sex. Who would have expected it? Imagine you are in your teens and it will take another dozen years of intense study to master sex. The years are filled with uncertainty. Sex is damn hard. It's not for everyone. You have to work long hours at it and neglect other things. Will you qualify? And then what? Sure, you're good at it but will you get a job doing sex? Come on, gang, be realistic. What we need is The Joy of Physics. Lavishly illustrated, it will show all the positions by which you can go blind squinting at spectra.

Marketing or Physics Finally Learns How to Write a College Catalog Entry:

(Physics 101, in competition with comparable courses of other science

departments, is a Quantitative Lab Science Elective for non-science

majors.) Students, listen up. You don't want to get acid burns on your

clothes. You don't want to cut up frogs. You don't want to spend your days cracking rocks in the vain hope that the inside will differ from the outside or your nights freezing on the roof waiting for the clouds to pass so you can peek at the moon. I didn't think so. Take Physics 101. The objective is to learn a little useful science and get a grade you and I can both live with without either of us suffering too much. Sound good?

The Legal Profession or Physics Discovers Advertising: Don't get burned

twice. Your experiment has failed to produce the desired result. It's not your fault. It's the equipment. It's the manufacturer. They didn't do the job. Sue them. Physics Legal Aid will handle your case. Remember, if you don't get paid, we don't get paid. And we always get paid.

The Medical Profession or Physics Discovers Billing: Someone has a sick

experiment. That's your cue and a cue for all other physicists within

hearing. You simply show up one morning, read the thermometer, and mail in a bill for two hundred dollars. It works like magic. And most patients recover. The insurance company pays and we all feel better.

Major League Sports or Physics Discovers Free Agency: (Be careful; this

strategy works best for twenty game winners or thousand yard rushers, in other words Nobel Prize candidates.) My client has worked through his contract and is not free to sign with any other school run by millionaires. So bid him up. Maybe when all bids are in he'll re-sign with the same school for ten times his former salary. Plus incentives. Multi-year offers only.

Telemarketing or Physics Discovers Matchmaking: Have I got a physicist for you? She's fresh out of school, our latest product. She programs in many languages. She builds equipment. She can pull a vacuum with best of them. And don't worry, fans, she checks for hidden leaks and repairs them. But that's not all. Your ginsu physicist takes data, analyzes it, fits it to standard models. That's still not all. At the command WRITE she will type your paper meeting the requirements of PHYS REV. Attractive enough to be in your own home yet sufficiently durable for the laboratory, this physicist will make you the envy of your friends. And she is almost willing to share housework or babysitting 50/50. Make that 25/75 and you do the cooking. Not sold in stores.

Astrology of Physics Encounters the Daily Newspaper: (Can you believe the Hartford Courant?) If today is your birthday and you are reading this column, you're out of your mind. What are you doing? Get out, get a life, study physics. (Getting control over my word processor.) Energy will be conserved. Use it well. Entropy will be created. Try not to worry. Discoveries will be made. By someone. (This shows the strong resemblance between astrological divination and Chinese cookie fortunes.)

Physics Course List

* Do you scoff at artists who put the colors in the wrong order when

painting a rainbow?

* Do you try to correct people who refer to the clouds above a

boiling pot as steam instead of water vapor?

* Have you ever wanted to know why it is that 'hot air rises' and

'cold air sinks', but the higher you go the colder the air gets?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you are a

budding physicist (and you thought that only botanists were budding!).

We strongly recommend that you drop whatever else you are doing

(DROP/ADD forms are available at the Registrar's Office) and enroll as

a physics major. If you need any further convincing, just have a look

at all the wonderful courses we offer.

PHYS 100 Introduction to Physics

A required course for students in all subject areas which

require the ability to think (e.g. engineering, physics, math

...)

Topics Include: energy, momentum, heat, electricity, magnetism,

optics, gravity

Prerequisites: Grade 12 Math and Physics

PHYS 110 Non-Calculus Physics

The ideal course for students in non-scientific areas of

science (biology, geology, psychology and other such stuff). If

the only reason you would ever be dragged into a physics class

is that your degree requirements call for it - this is the

course for you.

Topics Include: user-friendly, watered-down versions of all the

good stuff covered in PHYS 100

Prerequisites: Grade 3 Math, ability to distinguish between

moving and parked cars

PHYS 123 Physics for Artsies

This is admittedly a blatent attempt to increase enrollment in

physics and simultaneously offer paid early retirement to some

of our department members. But hey, what about 'Rocks for

Jocks', or 'Computers for Clutzes'? Why are we expected to be

the one department in the University that only offers quality

courses? So if you need a science credit, and want to do as

little work as possible to get it - remember 1-2-3. (Those who

have already taken MATH 3.14159 Numbers, Fingers, and Stuff

will have an advantage in remembering this.)

Topics Include: which way is up? why tie your shoelaces? the

difference between steam and ice (time and class intelligence

permitting)

Prerequisites: pulse rate greater than 10 beats per minute

PHYS 150 Introduction to Astronomy

The ideal course for those who wish to study physics without

having to actually study physics. This is traditionally the

course of choice for those who think a physics minor would look

good on their c.v., but who have no interest or ability in the

subject.

Topics Include: which end of the telescope is for looking in?

Prerequisites: A pledge never to ask the professor his 'sign'

PHYS 200 Modern Physics

Learn about all the theories and critical experiments of the

last century, without being burdened with the mathematics that

would permit you to do something with this knowledge.

Topics Include: the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (perhaps)

Prerequisites: readiness to accept that everything we taught

you in PHYS 100 is only a classical approximation

PHYS 201 E&M #1

We couldn't teach you Electromagnetism properly in PHYS 100

because you had not yet taken any vector calculus. Even though

you still have not taken any class in vector calculus, we

consider that anybody who has opted to major in physics should

be able to absorb the entire content of MATH 201 in the first

week of the term.

Topics Include: Maxwell's equations

Prerequisites: PHYS 205, MATH 100

PHYS 205 Optics

Using your knowledge of electromagnetic fields (which you will

acquire next term in PHYS 201) we introduce the subject of

light - what is it and how does it behave?

Topics Include: did you know that nearsighted people have eyes

that are too strong, not too weak?

Prerequisites: PHYS 201

PHYS 207 Mechanics

No, this is not a course in car maintainance!

Topics Include: trajectories, oscillations, Hilbert space

Prerequisites: PHYS 100

PHYS 300 S&M (Sadistical Mechanics)

Have you ever wondered what the laws of statistics and quantum

mechanics say would happen if you were to put

1,000,000,000,000,000 gas molecules into a container? Take this

class and find out!

Topics Include: the Grand Ole Canonical Partition Function

Prerequisites: PHYS 100, MATH 523

PHYS 312 QM (Quantum Mechanics)

This is what we wanted to teach you in PHYS 200, but weren't

able to because you had only had five calculus courses so far.

Topics Include: is your cat really alive?

Prerequisites: PHYS 200

PHYS 400 E&M #2

Having weeded out all but the most highly intelligent students

with PHYS 201, we are now able to get into the real meat of the

subject of Electromagnetic waves and fields.

Topics Include: optics, relativity, gauge transforms

Prerequisites: PHYS 201, every math course you can get

PHYS 456 Advanced Physics for Artsies

We are presently the only Physics Department in the world to

offer an advanced physics course especially geared for

humanities students. Our consistent offering of this course is

evidence of our belief that Physics is indeed a subject for

everyone. In fact, Dr. M.C. Skewaired (who has been teaching

this class for the last 14 years) has often said in defense of

the funding for the course 'if I ever get any students, they

will love this class'.

Topics Include: which way is down?

Prerequisites: PHYS 123

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical

lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electricallesson.

It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.

Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without

touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.

Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

TRANSFORMATIONS AND DISTRIBUTION

Dear Dr. Science,

I am interested in Fourier Transformations and the Theory of

Distribution. Can you help me?

-- Prabir Mitra, Katowice, Silesia/Poland

What could you possibly need help with? Why, those transformations are

as plain as the nose on my face. Think of them as a filter that detects random patterns and sends them far, far away. The Theory of

Distribution is the way the random garbage finds its way to the dump.

The dump used to be on Staten Island, but now it's on a barge, circling

the world, looking for a port that will accept it. If Poland doesn't

watch out, all the world's random patterns will end up there or in

Czekoslovakia. Throw them into the Baltic, it's already so polluted no

one will notice. At least that's what the Soviets thought.

The following story was submitted by Russell Bray. It illustrates something that we Physicists have to live with... people who remain completely convinced of something that is incorrect even when corrected by someone who knows more about the subject than they do.

I am a Arizona State Secondary Ed Major with emphasis in Physics. In a

class of Secondary Ed students (none of which are Physics), we were having group discussions. The dude giving his lecture (Theatre Major) asked the class what makes the sky blue. We were to get in groups of five, discuss, and come up with a collective answer.

I was not surprised when two groups decided that the sky was blue because the reflection of the ocean. I come to expect that, deal with it, and realize that they were lied to by their parents or second grade

teacher. What I didn't expect was that the guy asking didn't know

either. After I gave my response of scattering of the sun's light waves

through the atmosphere, he said close, but no. Interesting. "What pray

tell, is it" I ask.

He says, "Because our atmosphere is mostly Nitrogen Oxide, all the rays

of the sun are absorbed by the molecules but blue, just like this blue

folder absorbes all but blue rays." To a certain degree I see his point, but I couldn't leave it alone.

"Why is a sunset red" I ask.

"Pollution. We have beautiful sunsets because we have dirty air." He says confidently.

HEAVY BOOTS

About 6-7 years ago, I was in a philosophy class at the University of

Wisconsin, Madison (good science/engineering school) and the teaching

assistant was explaining Descartes. He was trying to show how things

don't always happen the way we think they will and explained that,

while a pen always falls when you drop it on Earth, it would just

float away if you let go of it on the Moon.

My jaw dropped a little. I blurted "What?!" Looking around the room,

I saw that only my friend Mark and one other student looked confused

by the TA's statement. The other 17 people just looked at me like

"What's your problem?"

"But a pen would fall if you dropped it on the Moon, just more

slowly." I protested.

"No it wouldn't." the TA explained calmly, "because you're too far

away from the Earth's gravity."

Think. Think. Aha! "You saw the APOLLO astronauts walking around on

the Moon, didn't you?" I countered, "why didn't they float away?"

"Because they were wearing heavy boots." he responded, as if this made

perfect sense (remember, this is a Philosophy TA who's had plenty of

logic classes).

By then I realized that we were each living in totally different

worlds, and did not speak each others language, so I gave up. As we

left the room, my friend Mark was raging. "My God! How can all those

people be so stupid?"

I tried to be understanding. "Mark, they knew this stuff at one time,

but it's not part of their basic view of the world, so they've

forgotten it. Most people could probably make the same mistake."

To prove my point, we went back to our dorm room and began randomly

selecting names from the campus phone book. We called about 30 people

and asked each this question:

1. If you're standing on the Moon holding a pen, and you let go,

will it a) float away, b) float where it is, or c) fall to the

ground?

About 47 percent got this question correct. Of the ones who got

it wrong, we asked the obvious follow-up question:

2. You've seen films of the APOLLO astronauts walking around on the

Moon, why didn't they fall off?

About 20 percent of the people changed their answer to the first

question when they heard this one! But the most amazing part was

that about half of them confidently answered, "Because they were

wearing heavy boots."

The following was sent to me by Dr.Adrian Melott, Associate Professor of Physics and Astronomy here at the University of Kansas:

THE BURNING QUESTION OF HEAVY BOOTS

I put two multiple choice questions on my Physics 111 test, after the study of elementary mechanics and gravity:

13. If you are standing on the Moon, and holding a rock, and you let it

go, it will:

(a) float away

(b) float where it is

(c) move sideways

(d) fall to the ground

(e) none of the above

25. When the Apollo astronauts were on the Moon, they did not fall off because:

(a) the Earth's gravity extends to the Moon

(b) the Moon has gravity

(c) they wore heavy boots

(d) they had safety ropes

(e) they had spiked shoes

The response showed some interesting patterns! The first question was generally of average difficulty, compared with the rest of the test: 57% got it right. The second question was easier: 73% got it right.

So, we need more research to explain the people who got #25 right but did not get #13 right!

The second interesting point is that these questions proved to be excellent discriminators: that is, success on these two questions proved to be an extremely good predictor of overall success on the test.

On the first question, 92% of those in the upper quarter of the test score got it right; only 20% of those in the bottom quarter did. They generally chose answers (a) or (b). On the second question, 97% in the upper quarter got it right and 33% in the lower quarter did. The big popular choice of this group was (c)...33% chose heavy boots, followed closely by safety ropes at 27%.

A telling comment on the issue of fairness in teaching elementary physics: Two students asked if I was going to continue asking them about things they had never studied in the class.

The recent business of Heavy Boots (TM) was being discussed by my Engies the other day when I arrived to take them for a class. (I tutor a couple of freshman Engineer classes in Physics for the University.)

Anyway, they were arguing about this, and decided they'd ask me what the situation was. I talked about gravity and how all matter/energy

gravitates, etc. The Sun gravitates and all the stars, etc etc. I had

to also explain that, contrary to what some of them thought, gravity

acts even when there is no air (!!); that the Moon has gravity despite

having no atmosphere. This took some convincing(!), but I clinched it

with the experiment with the hammer and feather -- they weren't

wearing Heavy Boots, and yet still fell.

I then proceeded to discuss the nature of scientific theories, testing

hypotheses, keeping an open mind but remaining sceptical, the usual

stuff. I tend to get very animated when I talk Physics, and raise my

voice, gesticulate, pace, and generally carry on. After some 20 minutes of this talk about Science (TM) and Scientific Method (TM), I finished up with something like "So that is how Science is done. Formulate theories, test them and believe them only when and how far they predict experimental results. ... Now, any questions?"

One girl up the back raises her hand, "Yes, I have one. You got very

worked up over this -- are you a Scorpio?"

Oi veh!

joe

ps Of course I'm not a Scorpio!! I have a very balanced approach to

these things -- I'm a *Libra*.

We read an article claiming that the average American does not know the

correct answer to the following question:

If a pen is dropped on a moon, will it:

A) Float away

B) Float where it is

C) Fall to the surface of the moon

So a bunch of us TA's got together and gave our physics classes quizzes asking this question. Out of 168 people taking the quiz, 48 missed the question. The responses are below. Some people didn't write comments. The spelling and grammer were not changed, however, clarifying comments are enclosed in []'s.

{ed A report is that only 3 of the 48 were in this course. The rest were from lesser courses.}

Physics 324 - Modern Physics for Engineers

"A body is at rest tends to stay at rest, plus there's no gravity"

"The gravity of the moon can be said to be negligible, and also the moon's a vacuum, there is no external force on the pen. Therefore it will float where it is."

"The pen will float away because the gravitational pull of the moon, being approximately 1/6 that of the earth, will not be enough to cause the pen to fall nor remain stationary where it is. The gravatational pull of other objects would influence the pen"

Physics 222 - Second Semester Calculus-based Introductory Physics

"Because moon has gravitation 1/6 of the gravitation of earth the force will be small toward the moon [so it will float away]"

Physics 221 - First Semester Calculus-based Introductory Physics

"It will fall to the earth by force of gravity and by the attraction between the earth and the moon"

"Because the gravitational pull of the moon is much weaker than that of the earth. And object such as a pen is so lite that it will float"

"Because there are no external forces if you let go [it will float where it is]

"External forces that are present on the moon will attract the pen. There isn't gravity on the moon as there is on earth so the pen won't drop."

"Since there is no gravity it will float and fall slowly. It will not fall like in the ground quickly because there is no gravity"

"The force of gravity on the moon is a fraction of the gravity on the earth, so the moon would not be able to attract the pen to inself. Rather, it would only be able to suspend the pen"

"It will eventually fall to the surface of the moon because of the slight gravitational field plus the moment of inertia about the moon. Also with angular momentum being conserved, it must fall. I=MR^2" [We were studying conservation of angular momentum when I gave this quiz]

"The pen will fall to the surface of the moon. As we let go we will

introduce some initial enerty into the pen thus putting it in a forward

downward motion. Since on the moon there is no force of resistance the pen will fall very slowly towards the surface"

"If you are standing on the moon holding a pen and you let go, it will float where it is. It will not fall to the surface of the moon because a gravitational force strong enough to cause this does not exist. In addition, the pen does not have a lot of external force on it, so it will not be likely to move"

"The pen will fall to the surface of the moon because the moon generates a gravitational field by rotating and the pen must act under this force".

Physics 111 - First semester Non-calculus Physics

"It will float where it is because there is no gravity force on the moon. Also, if you just let go there isno acceleration so it should just float where it is."

"There is no gravitational force on the moon, the pen therefore has no

weight so its mass has no effect on 'where it goes'. Plus, you know, there is no wind to blow the pen up there! =)"

Astronomy 150 - Physics for humanities majors

"[It will float where it is] Because there isn't a real strong gravity force on the moon. Actually it is like having none at all. If I remember right, it is only like 2.9m/s (force of gravity)"

"It will float away because the gravity of the moon won't pull it down to the surface, but it won't stay where it is because there is always some force acting on mass - (even though the gravity of the moon isn't strong enough)"

"The gravity of the earth will pull it more than that of the moon, so it will float toward earth"

"It'll float away because your body is not able to stay completely still. So it would float in the direction your hand was shaking"

"There is not much gravitational pull on the moon to have it fall to the surface. The pen is so small and light, it probably would not be affected by the gravitation of the moon so it would float away."

"There is no gravity in space so if you just let it go, it will just gently float away."

"It will float away because the gravitational force is less than here on the Earth where it would fall. I think it will float away because of what I have seen of the space rooms NASA uses to get astronauts ready for flight."

"Theoretically, it should float away because it has no mass, gravity does not pull the pen towards the surface at a great enough rate to make it fall, however it does have enough force to keep it floating and ultimately it will drift away."

"Because there is no gravity on the moon. Therefore it would float away because there is nothing to hold it there or to pull it to the surface of the moon"

"[It will float away] Because there would be no gravitational force to hold it there or make it fall to the surface of the moon"

"There is no gravitational pull on the moon to cause pen to come back towards surface. The pen would float away probably toward the gravitational pull of the earth."

"[It will float where it is] Because there is no gravitational pull. It will neither fall towards the moon because there is no gravity to pull it there nor is there any other gravitational force that will pull it away from the moon."

"Float where it is and will not move because there is no gravitational pull, it will not float away unless it is pushed."

"The gravity on the moon is such that it won't be pulled to the surface, and since the pen won't make any movement it should float where it is."

"It will float where it is until a force acts upon it. There is no gravity to act upon it."

Astronomy 120 - Physics for brain-dead

"[It will float away because there is] no gravity to hold it and no atmosphere"

"[It will float away] because the gravity on the moon is not as great as it is on the earth"

"Because the earth is a greater mass and the pen will be pulled toward the greater body because of gravity. The moon doesn't have that great of a gravitational pull"

"No gravitatational pull so it won't fall and no force pulling it away so it will float where it is"

"Lack of gravity on moon allows pen to float in space"

"Because there is no gravitational pull on the moon, there is no pull towards the moon or away from."

"The moon doesn't have gravity like the earth which would bring the pen down to the surface instead the moon's atmosphere would cause it to float above the moon's surface."

"Gravity will not pull it down, because there is less of it. It shouldn't float away just because I've never seen it happen. There's a balance between gravity and the opposite force."

"It would float where it is because gravity would not let it fall to the surface (there is no gravity) on the moon. It would not float away because it has no mass."

About eight years ago, when I was studying in high school in

India, my Chemistry professor was trying to explain the "screening

effect" of electrons (a phenomenon that makes metals bind their

electrons less losely then other elements, resulting in conductivity).

He tried to give an analogy, using earth and moon.

He said, "Imagine if their was another moon orbiting earth, then the

pull that our true moon faces will be smaller." I was puzzled and

declared that it is not possible. To which he further explained," Well

it's like this. The earth now has to pull two moons instead of one

hence it has to divide its force among the too, hence its pull on the

moon will be halved."

At this point I argued that all the artificial satellites in

the sky must face lesser pull by earth when ever a new satellite is

launched. " That's true," he said,"and that's why the cost of

launching satellites is going up these days...."

We were talking about surface tension, and the teacher had just

demonstrated a floating razor blade and a drop of detergent. Out of

curiosity, I asked whether surface tension could have any effect on

something the size of a battleship.

"Well, yes," he said. "That's how they float."

Seeing our amazement, he even shared an anecdote to support this. "Sure, when I was your age, some friends and I went down to the pond one night and threw in a bunch of soap. The next morning, all the rowboats were at the bottom of the pond!"

He wasn't the only one laughing about that.

Asteroid Science According to NBC

* Asteroids travel through space making a noise like a powerful but subdued engine.

* Asteroids are usually locked into orbits, but if a comet comes by, they can be bumped out of their rut and become dangerously unstable.

* It's only the fact that everything is locked into an orbit which prevents collisions in our solar system. Any asteroid that gets loose is certain to crash into Earth within a matter of hours.

* It's just barely possible to evacuate Kansas City to a distance of 100 miles in 48 hours. This requires lots of airplanes. It also requires martial law, so that 'looters will be arrested on sight'. (Have they no mercy?) With 30+ hours to go, people will panic in the streets and run around at random.

* A mile-wide asteroid can mostly burn up in the atmosphere, causing it to do only a relatively small amount of damage (bursting a dam) when it

strikes.

* A river from a burst dam can exactly keep pace with a pickup truck for several minutes. It will then obligingly pause as the pickup truck turns around and goes in another direction.

* When a raging river washes over a pickup truck on a bridge, the bridge won't be damaged, the truck won't be swept off the bridge, and people in the open back of the truck won't be swept away.

* A four-mile-wide nickel asteroid (which would mass about a *trillion*

tons) can be destroyed -- literally destroyed, so that nothing remains --by three airplane-mounted lasers.

* But with only two airplane-mounted lasers, it instead instantly explodes into thousands of pieces. Astronomers are very surprised that it wasn't literally destroyed.

* Laser beams are easily visible in space.

* Incoming asteroids spend several minutes in Earth's atmosphere.

* Asteroids made of softer or more volatile stuff than nickel will

harmlessly burn up in the atmosphere regardless of size.

* Asteroids that land in the ocean will do no damage regardless of size.

* Asteroids are discovered by astronomers peering directly through their telescopes in brightly lit observatories. Whatever they see will appear on computer monitors, however.

* Asteroid positions are reported in plainly audible 75 BPS Baudot teletype signals.

* Oddly, there will be no dog to be rescued at the last possible moment. Maybe only tornadoes and volcanoes come equipped with dogs. Would you settle for goldfish?

PROOF THE EARTH IS FLAT

Hello. If anyone out there watched a Learning Channel show "In Search of the Edge of the World", they heard some pretty bizarre (though creative)conclusive proofs the earth is flat. A sampler:

According to the theory of continental drift, all the continents can

shift about the surface of the earth as if on a bed of some viscous

fluid. Were the earth round and rotating, centrifugal force would make

all the continents slosh to the equator, but this is a contradiction,

as it is not the actual case. QED

A plumb bob always points to the center of the earth (assuming the

earth is a sphere). Then a plumb bob used by someone else in a different place would make a different angle to an impartial observer. Since builders use plumb bobs to make buildings stick straight up, any

building of sufficient size would then be larger on the top floor than

on the bottom floor, but this is a contradiction. QED

And a few refutations of established results:

Ptolemy (?) proposed the earth was round and proved it by figuring its

radius based on the angle the sun made with Alexandria on the same day

it was directly over another city (7.2 deg.). Flat Earthers insist that

this is only an assumption; if the earth was flat the experiment would

still yield meaningful results, since the system is then a right tri-

angle and the sun would therefore be 4,000 miles away.

And for all those who need visual proof and are satisfied with satellite photos, Flat Earthers cite Einstein's general theory of relativity and its proclaiming that light bends in the presence of massive objects; thus what is actually flat appears to cameras as round. This phenomenon also explains why ships appear to rise out of the horizon.

Finally, a story I read elsewhere: a researcher at some lab once got a

letter from a very distressed Flat Earther, who had heard that the

Soviets (I guess 1950s?) were going to detonate a nuclear bomb. Newton's third law would then dictate that the (flat) earth would then tilt toward the USSR, and everybody would slide off. The researcher wrote back that all was well, and that we in U.S. of A. planned to detonate a similar bomb at the same instant on OUR end of the world, thus cancelling the torque the Soviet bomb created.

The researcher was given a dressing-down when the Flat Earther wrote

a letter of commendation and praise to the researcher's boss.

A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He'd then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed.

The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. "I'm sorry to bother you," he said, over the din of the banging, "but I am very curious; could you tell me what you are doing?" Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied, "Sure, Mac. Ya see, this here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight tons of canaries aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the time so I don't break an axle".

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? (Spy Magazine, January 1990)

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2

million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming

that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air

resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as

spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

(story originally attributed to Richard Waller)

REBUTTALS:

REBUTTAL 1

Rebuttal: (Jim Mantle, Waterloo Maple Software)

Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals, then it's only a small step to the rest.

For example;

1) As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I would agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.

2) You've relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie neighbourhoods, have probably less than the average (and don't forget the DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while the families with 748 starving children that they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket would skew that 15% of homes down a few percent.

3) You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more than their share of good kids, and other homes have nothing except terrorists in diapers? Let's drop that number of homes down a few more percent.

4) Santa would have to Fedex a number of packages ahead of time, since he would not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into tower-controlled areas near airports. He's get shot at over certain sections of the Middle East, and the no-fly zones in Iraq, so he'd probably use DHL there. Subtract some more homes.

5) I just barely passed Physics and only read Stephen Hawking's book

once, but I recall that there is some Einsteinian Theory that says time

does strange things as you move faster. In fact, when you go faster than the speed of light time runs backward, if you do a straight line

projection, connect the dots and just ignore any singularity you might find right at the speed of light. And don't say you can't go faster than the speed of light because I've seen it done on TV. Jean-Luc doesn't have reindeer but he does have matter-antimatter warp engines and a holodeck and that's good enough for me.

So Santa could go faster than light, visit all the good children which are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all those stale cookies and warm milk yech.

6) Aha, you say, Jean-Luc has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa only has reindeer, where does he get the power to move that fast!

You calculated the answer! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc, that would be required of the loaded sleigh. The reindeer don't evaporate or incinerate because of this energy, they accelerate. What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over females? Think of antlers as furry solar array panels.

7) If that's not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o'clock. NORAD (which may be one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in it's name and therefore it must be more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa every year and I've seen the radar shots of him approaching my house from the direction of the North Pole. They haven't bombarded him yet, so they must believe too, right?

Yet another rebuttal to the rebuttal:

REBUTTAL 2

Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish "study."

1) Flying reindeer: As is widely known (due to the excellent historical documentary "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," the flying reindeer are not a previously unknown species of reindeer, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns. As is conclusively proven in "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (a no punches pulled look at life in Santa's village), this ability has bred true in subsequent generations of reindeer, obviously the magic acorns imprinted their power on a dominant gene sequence within the reindeer DNA strand.

2) Number of households: This figure overlooks two key facts. First of all, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome. This occurred prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern churches (currently called Orthodox Churches) do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is as a result several days after the Western Churches'. Santa gets two shots at delivering toys.

Secondly, the figure of 3.5 children per household is based on the gross demographic average, which includes households with no children at all. The number of children per household, when figured as an average for households with children, would therefore have to be adjusted upward. Also, the largest single Christian denomination is Roman Catholic, who, as we all know, breed like rabbits. If you don't believe me, ask my four brothers and two sisters, they'll back me up. Due to the predominance of Catholics within Christian households, the total number of households containing Christian children would have to be adjusted downward to reflect the overloading of Catholics beyond a standard deviation from the median.

Also, the assertion that each home would contain at least one good child would be reasonable enough if there were in fact an even 3.5 children per household. However, since the number of children per household is distributed integrally, there are a significant number (on the order of several million) of one child Christian households. Even though only children are notoriously spoiled and therefore disproportionately inclined towards being naughty, since it's the holidays we'll be generous and give them a fifty-fifty chance of being nice. This removes one half of the single child households from Santa's delivery schedule, which has already been reduced by the removal of the Orthodox households from the first delivery run.

3) Santa's delivery run (speed, payload, etc.): These all suffer from the dubious supposition that there is only one Santa Claus. The name "Santa" is obviously either Spanish or Italian, two ethnic groups which are both overwhelmingly Catholic. The last name Claus suggests a joint German/Italian background. His beginnings, battling the Burgermeister Meisterburger, suggest he grew up in Bavaria (also predominantly Catholic). The Kaiser style helmets of the Burgermeister's guards, coupled with the relative isolation of the

village, suggest that his youth was at the very beginning of Prussian influence in Germany. Thus, Santa and Mrs. Claus have been together for well over one hundred years. If you think that after a hundred years of living at the North Pole with nights six months long that they remain childless, you either don't know Catholics or are unaware of the failure rate of the rhythm method. There have therefore been over five generations of Clauses, breeding like Catholics for over one hundred years. Since they are Catholic, their exponential population increase would obviously have a gain higher than the world population as a whole. There have therefore been more than enough new Santas to

overcome the population increase of the world. So in fact, Santa has an easier time of it now than he did when he first started out.

Santa dead, indeed; some people will twist any statistic to "prove" their cynical theory.

Yet another rebuttal:

REBUTTAL 3

5) That's nonsense. I repeated the calculation, and the correct figure is 17,500.03 times gravity. How can we place belief when such an implausibly high figure is accepted! The entire concept is obviously deeply flawed and arises from incorrect method!

Besides, Santa simply realizes all of his alternate quantum states at once. Everybody knows that.

People keep defending the existence of Santa Claus:

REBUTTAL 4

Surely the 'esteemed' professional making the analysis means 'forces of

acceleration', and not "centrifugal forces" as stated. Furthermore, to

accept the ability of reindeer to defy the law of gravity and then bind

them to the remaining laws of physics is an error in argument.

The assertion ignores empirical data - Santa does exist: one can see

him often during the months leading up to the Big Day. Indeed, it is a

frequent occurrence to see him on multiple street corners, or in front

of several businesses, at the same time. Either A) Santa has many

helpers, or B) Santa is capable of numerous manifestations. In either

case, the acceleration arguments above are not valid, since the

multiplicity of Santas (manifestations or helpers) could easily handle

smaller portions of the task with time left over for cookies and milk.

Arguments A) and B) are both are supported by the different guises he

sports in various countries (Santa Claus, Sinter Klaus, Kris Kringle, et al.), and by his acknowledged ability to "see you when you're sleeping; he knows when you're awake". The decision between A) or B) is left as a proof for the student.

And yet another rebuttal:

REBUTTAL 5

I wrote this rebuttal to the physics of santa analysis back in 1993:

If you're going to criticise Santa Claus on physical grounds, you may at least do it right.

The payload calculations are nonsense. Adding, say, 1000 stops back at the North Pole for reloading adds only a few percent to the entire distance covered, while reducing the payload by a factor of 1000. This is clearly the way to go.

The nonuniform distribution of children has a tremendous effect on the

routing. With sensible routing, the average distance from a good child to the next good child is only a couple hundred feet in suburban conditions (this is clearly higher in the country, but is much less in, say, New York City). With only .05 miles between average good children, Santa need only travel at Mach 200, just a little faster than Ulysses. This reduces the force of air resistance by a factor of 200, and the power absorbed by the reindeer by 3000.

(Of course, if Santa stops to give coal to bad children it could slow

things down a bit. But it appears that increasing population has made

Santa give up that trick. When was the last time you heard of anybody

getting a lump of coal?)

We all saw the pictures of a smart bomb falling through an Iraqi smokestack during the Gulf War. Clearly Santa uses the same technology for toys and chimneys. By dropping, say, 100 toys at a time from high altitude, Santa can reduce his speed by another factor of 10. While still supersonic, this is now slightly less than orbital velocity, sparing Santa and his team the trauma of extreme centrifugal force.

Santa's trip IS a remarkable feat of aeronautics, but please don't say it's impossible.

Does anybody wish to make proof or disproof these assertions? -JV

HEAVEN IS HOTTER THAN HELL

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our

authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as

the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as

the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much

radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much

as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we

receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the

Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will

heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to

the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much

heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for

radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the

earth (300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell

cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the

fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which

burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means

that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We

have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.

-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972

The following is one of Dr. Schalmbaugh's Final Test questions for

May 1997. (Dr. Schalmbaugh, University of Oklahoma School of Chemical

Engineering, is known for asking questions such as this on his

final exams.)

May 1997, Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II Final Exam Question:

"IS HELL EXOTHERMIC OR ENDOTHERMIC? Support your answer with truth."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law

or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some

mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So,

at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls

leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets

to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look

at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of

these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,

you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions

and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project

that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates

as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase

exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law

states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay

the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay

constant.

Case 1: If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which

souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will

increase until all hell breaks loose.

Case 2: If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of

souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell

freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa

Banyan during my freshman year, "it will be a cold night in hell

before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still

have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then case 2

cannot be true.

Thus, hell is exothermic.

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the

existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any

marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat

engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is

obviously impossible. -- Richard Davisson

Whatever the temperature of hell, I can prove that it is isothermal.

We must begin by assuming that there is at least one physicist in hell. Most of us can think of a particular example.

Now assume that some portion of hell is out of equilibrium, a bit hotter or colder than the rest. If so, then that physicist would build a heat engine and extract some energy, and use that energy to run a refrigerator. He would cool some other part of hell down until it was comfortable.

But it is contrary to the definition of hell that any part of it should be comfortable. QED.

T2 = 2 degrees Celius = 275.15 degree Kelvin

T1 = 1 degree Celius = 274.15 degree Kelvin

______________________________________________-

T2-T1 = 1 degree Celius = 1 degree Kelvin

=> 1 degree Celius = 1 degree Kelvin

This message was written entirely with recycled electrons.

I can travel through time and I do ... at the unremarkable rate of one

second per second.

The speed of time is one second per second.

Theoretical Physics is a science locally isomorphic to Mathematics.

Bohr moved in atomic circles while Schrodinger waved and Heisenberg

hesitated.

A rolling stone gathers momentum.

OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world

OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay

OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent

OLD METEORS never die, they just burn up

OLD NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-line

OLD PLANETS never die, they just lose their attraction

OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state of maximum entropy

Plasma is another matter.

Interstellar Matter is a Gas

It's worse than that, it's physics, Jim!

"Apple" (c) 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve

"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.

"The faster you go, the shorter you are" - Einstein

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

And God said: E = +mv^2 - Ze^2/r ...and there *WAS* light!

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Black Holes are Out of Sight

Black Holes were created when God divided by zero!

Black holes really suck...

The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest

The Hubbell works fine; all that stuff IS blurry!

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Gravity: Not just a good idea...it's the LAW.

How many weeks are there in a light year?

Jet Engine Theory -Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow!

Power corrupts, but we need electricity.

Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm)

Supernovae are a Blast

Acoustics do it like Doppler.

Acoustics do it orally.

Acoustics do it with sounds.

Astronauts do it above the atmosphere.

Astronomers do it all night.

Astronomers do it anually.

Astronomers do it Charging, Coupling and Devising (CCDs).

Astronomers do it cosmologically.

Astronomers do it ellyptically.

Astronomers do it hyperbolically.

Astronomers do it in clusters.

Astronomers do it in nebulae.

Astronomers do it in the dark.

Astronomers do it in voids.

Astronomers do it in X-ways.

Astronomers do it meteorically.

Astronomers do it on mountain tops.

Astronomers do it orbitally.

Astronomers do it parabolically.

Astronomers do it spectroscopically.

Astronomers do it telescopically.

Astronomers do it under the stars.

Astronomers do it universally.

Astronomers do it variably.

Astronomers do it while gazing at Uranus.

Astronomers do it with binaries.

Astronomers do it with dwarfs.

Astronomers do it with giants.

Astronomers do it with lenses.

Astronomers do it with light.

Astronomers do it with lights out.

Astronomers do it with long tubes.

Astronomers do it with mirrors.

Astronomers do it with sextants.

Astronomers do it with stars.

Astronomers do it with Uranus.

Astronomers do it with Very Large Bottoms Interfering (VLBI).

Astronomers do it with young stars.

Cryogenic physicists do it on the cold.

Cryogenic physicists do it on the ice.

Cryogenic physicists do it with a cold.

Dyslexic Particle Physicists do it with hadrons.

Electron microscopists do it 100,000 times.

Fluid dynamicists do it in jets.

Fluid dynamicists do it in the bath.

Fluid dynamicists do it in vortices.

Heisenberg was never sure whether or not he did it.

Opticians do it visually.

Opticians do it with their eyes.

Particle physicists do it energetically.

Particle physicists do it expensively.

Physicists do it a quantum at a time.

Physicists do it at two places in the universe at one time.

Physicists do it attractively.

Physicists do it energetically.

Physicists do it in black holes.

Physicists do it in waves.

Physicists do it like Einstein.

Physicists do it magnetically.

Physicists do it on accelerated frames.

Physicists do it particularly.

Physicists do it repulsively.

Physicists do it strangely.

Physicists do it up and down, with charming color, but strange!

Physicists do it with black bodies

Physicists do it with charm.

Physicists do it with large expensive machinery.

Physicists do it with rigid bodies.

Physicists do it with string and sealing-wax.

Physicists do it with Tensors.

Physicists do it with the help of an absolute Bohr (ouch!).

Physicists do it with their vectors.

Physicists do it with uniform harmonic motion.

Physicists get a big bang.

Physics majors do it at the speed of light.

Plasma physicists do it with everything stripped off.

Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.

Quantum theorists do it in tiny tiny pieces.

Quantum theorists do it uncertainly.

Rocket scientists do it with higher thrust.

Spectroscopists do it until it hertz.

Spectroscopists do it with frequency and intensity.

Vacuum physicists do it in voids.

Polymer physicists are into chains.

Formula: "Energy equals milk chocolate square"

A probability is a desperate attempt of chaos to become stable.

Heisenberg might have slept here.

--- Black Holes are where God is dividing by zero ---

If the Titanic had struck a Heisenberg, would it still be floating?

All coordinate systems are equal, but some are more equal than others.

Entropy isn't what it used to be...

Astonomer #1: .....so anyway the cop pulls me over and asks if I realized that I had just run a redlight. So I said that I did not see the light as being red, because it must have blue-shifted as i was approaching it.

Astronomer #2: And he let you go?

Astronomer #1: No. He gave me a speeding ticket intead.

1997-03-11 Scientific Correctness: Zippy Travel

Here is the report on our SCIENTIFIC CORRECTNESS SURVEY #2. The

question was:

Is faster-than-light travel possible?

This survey drew an onslaught of opinions.

The vote was a landslide (72%) for the YES side. Thus, another

controversy is put to rest. Henceforth, it will be scientifically

correct to believe that faster-than-light travel is possible.

Opinions ranged from positive to negative, and from simple ("Yes")

to hideously complex. While the results are interesting, the

variety of methods used to obtain them is dazzling.

* * *

Some readers used fuzzy logic:

I have never really believed that light actually goes at the speed

of light. Have we any proof? I worked out that it should go at

root two times the speed of light (c) making the constant itself

irrelevant.

--Graeme Winter

* * *

Other readers used higher-level fuzzy logic:

This is an interesting question, coincidentally I was driving

through a Minnesota blizzard last week when my wife told me to

slow down because I was 'over driving my headlights.' I was so

excited I almost spilled my coffee because I thought that she

meant I was traveling faster than the speed of light, but then I

realized that she meant that because of the poor conditions, the

stopping distance for my car was greater than my visibility.

--Don Berryman

* * *

One reader used tangential logic:

Since light has yet to dawn on school boards here in Texas, we are

unable to answer this question.

--Julia Frugoli

* * *

Some took a theoretical bent:

Yes, but no matter what the destination, you always arrive at

night.

--Dick Baker

My fraternity brother Charles Jones (MIT '63) created a faster-

than-light vehicle in 1960. A beam of light is reflected in a

mirror. Approaching the mirror, the light's velocity is (+)c.

After reflection it is -c. Ergo at the instant of reflection, its

velocity is 0. When the vehicle passes the mirror, it goes faster

than light.

--A. D. Snider

* * *

Others relied on advanced theories:

Faster than light travel IS possible but only if you are facing

backwards.

--Charles Belair

It depends on how fast the light is going.

--Michael Castleman

* * *

Some readers cited empirical evidence:

Of course. It is demonstrated every week in "Star Trek: The Next

Generation". They also demonstrate crystal power, telepathy,

reversal of the polarity of neutron fluxes in starboard power

couplings, and other facets of modern science.

--Stephen Trier

No. No no no no no no. Most people think Star Trek has solved the

problem of faster-than-light travel. I am much more fascinated by

Star Trek's solution to the sound-in-a-vacuum problem.

--Karen Lingel

"Yes!" E-mail uses delivery through electrical circuits, therefore

traveling at the speed of light (one of the reasons for its

popularity over the historically traditional US Postal "Service").

America OnLine uses these same electrical circuits. It is well

known that almost anything travels faster than AOL these days.

--G. Borochoff

* * *

Not everyone relied on intellectual arguments. Two readers,

Charlie Cerf and Peter Thorp, sent in variants of the same

classical argument:

There was a young lady called Bright

who could travel much faster than light.

She departed one day

in a relative way

and returned on the previous night

* * *

Practical experience, too, was useful in solving the question:

Of course faster-than-light travel is possible. However, the

probability that your luggage will wind up at the wrong

destination increases as the cube of the velocity.

--Bob O'Hara

Yes. Faster than light travel is possible and can be readily

demonstrated by making the mistake of having two dates show up at

your place at the same time. I've done this and witnessed first

hand the flight, which happens so fast that you can't see it.

--P. Hughes

Yes, but tickets must be purchased at least three weeks in advance

and a Saturday night stay is required.

--Kristina Pawlikowski

After my cat decided it was play time at 3 AM, he was forcefully

accelerated from the bed. Quickly, his velocity reached the speed of

light resulting in a mid-air white hot flash of spontaneous

combustion (matter to energy.) Conversely, all internal energies

(neuroelectrical, biochemical, etc.) were converted to matter. A

strange ash covered the room, very similar to scoopable litter.

The other possibility is that he landed on my camera equipment and

has been hiding ever since.

--Don Copeland

* * *

Finally, one response defied categorization:

Of course, as a physics teacher I tell my students that faster-

than-light travel is impossible, but that's just to crush their

spirits.

--LaNelle Ohlhausen

Q: What would happen if the speed of light were only sixty miles per hour?

A: As we approach the speed of light, the aging process slows down. So, if the speed of light were sixty miles per hour, we would have even more people speeding, especially older people trying to stay young. As a matter of fact, physics would demand that we go faster than the speed of light. The safest thing is to drive at a steady sixty to keep time and the highway patrol off our necks. Airplanes would become obsolete in this slow light world, because you would be going so fast, relatively speaking, that you'd be back before you even left. This would make business trips unnecessary and lead to economic collapse. So, to answer your question, life, if the speed of light were sixty miles per hour, would be youthful, fast, and dark. -- Ask Dr. Science

(When I'm good, I'm even better) writes:

The paper "National Geographic, The Doomsay Machine" which appeared

in the _Journal of Irreproducible Results_ predicts dire consequences

resulting from a nationwide buildup of _National Geographic_. The

author's predictions are based on the observations that the number of

subscriptions for _National Geographic_ are on the rise and that no

one ever throws away a copy of the _National Geographic_.

In a similar vein, yesterday I was reading a collection of essays by

David Mermin (co-author of the world's funniest solid-state physics

text), where he observes that, extrapolating from the current rate of

growth, soon volumes of the Physical Review will be filling library

shelves at a rate exceeding the speed of light. There is no violation

of special relativity, however, as no information is being propagated.

Mermin attributes the comment to Rudolf Pierles (sp?)

[This is probably just for the physics geeks in the crowd]

Dear Dr. Science

Why is the speed of light only 186,000 miles per second? Can'[t

science do better than this?

"Yes, you're right. It's a disgrace light only goes a measly

186,000 miles per second, but physicists are working on this problem.

There's already a prototype vehicle that goes 200,000 miles per second, but the headlights shine at only 186,000 miles per second. This is equivalent to driving down the freeway the wrong way with the headlights not only out but actually chasing you down the road. This is why so many scientists today no longer own a driver's licence. "

Remember, Dr. Science knows more than you do!

Q: How does Santa deliver presents all over the world on Christmas Eve?

A: With Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks:

Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?

Q: What's the easiest way to observe Doppler's effect optically

(not accoustically) in one's everyday life?

A: Go out in the evening and look at the cars. They lights are

white or yellow when they approach, but they are red when

they are moving away of you.

"The probability of them visiting is directly proportioned to how much

you feel like being *left alone*... (Einstein's Theory of Relatives)

Cartoon Laws of Physics

Cartoon Law I

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter

intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on

foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a

telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion

absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion

the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation

conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyses this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than

or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to

spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it

inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V

All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them

directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an

adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the

cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a

character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation

at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among

bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has

the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may

ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel

entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least

it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives

might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,

accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be

destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,

elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX

Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X

For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the

physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law Amendment A

A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law Amendment B

The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Cartoon Law Amendment C

Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.

They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D

Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine

suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment E

Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).

The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which

postulated that the tensions involved in maintianing a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

FELINE PHYSICS

Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by

some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby

scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good

reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct

proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case

of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of

the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position

as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as

possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any

counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the

maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and

ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for

her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and

will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come

along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the

speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most

comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within

the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment

times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he

can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to

the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the

mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the

amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the

amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape

velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

THE LAWS OF AUTOMOTIVE PHYSICS:

1. As automotive particles move through space, they travel along various energy states. Areas with few particles tend to have only 2 or maybe 3 energy states, while congested areas can have up to 6 or 7 energy states. Counterparticles move through space in the opposite direction, but always with the same number of energy states available. Some areas are composed of antimatter (see Nippobritish matter below) exclusively.

2. Each auto is composed of several flavors - most autos are made of 4 or 6 flavors, but a fair number have 8 and a few smaller auto particles have three. The number of flavors determines both the size of the particle (from compact to limo) and the acceleration of the particle through space. Faster acceleration and subsequent higher velocities allow the particles to move into higher energy states, arbitrarily called left lanes.

3. There are three states to automotive particle matter - European,

American, and Mexicaribbean. European matter is the most ordered, with

particles staying in their lowest energy states except when accelerated to speeds faster than nearby particles. American matter is somewhat ordered, with some particles maintaining their lowest states. However, some particles, particularly older ones, tend to randomly drift into higher energy states without the speed needed to maintain that state. This creates bottlenecks and can increase the viscosity of American matter until it moves at the speed of molasses. The most chaotic form is Mexicaribbean matter (MC). MC matter consists of poorly defined, meandering energy states. Particles move at random angles in all directions, arbitrarily bouncing into various energy states. Accelerations tend to be rapid and velocities high, resulting in frequent collisions between particles and their counterparticles, and rapid changes between highly viscous, slow-moving matter and high-velocity, fast-flowing matter.

4. American matter has been successfully reduced in temperature to a state of near absolute zero - the point where acceleration and velocity are both near or at zero. Automotive physicists, being quirky, named this low-temp. state "Rush Hour".

5. American matter also behaves in odd, yet predictable ways. For

instance, it is a well known fact that as the number of available energy states expands, the number of slow-moving particles expands to match the number of available energy states. The result is that some slow-moving particles will move into all the higher energy states available, creating the molasses effect whether there are 2 or 6 energy states. These particles come in many different varieties, named "idiot", "imbecile", "moron", etc. The slowest particles have much more offensive names, and can occasionally result in other particles firing small, yet powerful microparticles at the slow particles - ending in the destruction of the slow particle.

6. American matter is also unpredictable in some ways, particularly with regards to its reactivity with other substances. Ethyl alcohol, for instance, can cause particles to become frozen and clogged due to

collisions with particles in the same energy state, or can make the

particles reverse spin and jump into an inverse energy state, where they can be annihilated in collisions with their counterparticles. However, the alcohol-treated particle tends to escape destruction more often than the untreated particle. Treating American matter with cannabinoids tends to slow down the particles to a crawl, and impart a glassy look to them.

7. American matter is increasingly being affected by electromagnetic

radiation in the "cellphone" bandwidth. It tends to cause the particles affected by it to move more randomly, especially moving into and out of different energy states. It also causes increased numbers of particle collisions. However, it can facilitate the decay of particles that collided, to keep the molasses effect from being too great.

8. There is a peculiar species of antimatter, called Nippobritish matter. It moves in energy states completely opposite of European and American matter, and most Mexicaribbean matter.

Any automotive physicists who are experts on European matter or MC matter are welcome to share their insights into these forms of matter.

Prof. Andrew Ray

Wishing the slow particles would move out of the way

See You at Work
by Steve Langer

The chairman of AT&T
Said, "Your graduate physics degree
Is not worth a - penny,
Of your kind we've too many.
Perhaps you can program in C?"

Doin' its Own Thing
by Edward H. Green

The first law of Newton I sing
My voice has a relevant ring:
"An object left free
Of hassles will be
Engrossed in just doing its thing."

May the Force Be With You
by David Morin, Eric Zaslow, E'beth Haley, John Golden, and Nathan Salwen

On a merry-go-round in the night,
Coriolis was shaken with fright.
Despite how he walked,
'Twas like he was stalked,
By some fiend always pushing him right.

Condensed Story of Ms Farad
by A. P. French

Miss Farad was pretty and sensual
And charged to a reckless potential;
But a rascal named Ohm
Conducted her home -
Her decline was, alas, exponential.

Wish I Were a Fly on the Wall
by Robert D. Cowan

There once was a fly on the wall
I wonder why didn't it fall
Because its feet stuck
Or was it just luck
Or does gravity miss things so small?

Cole's Lost Soul
by A. P. French

There was a young fellow named Cole
Who ventured too near a black hole.
His dv by dt
Was quite wondrous to see
But now all that's left is his soul.

On Liquor Production
by David M. Smith

A friend who's in liquor production
Owns a still of astounding construction.
The alcohol boils
Through old magnet coils;
She says that it's "proof by induction."

Goodnight Irene
Author unknown, submitted by Ken Kiger

There once was a girl named Irene,
who lived on distilled kerosene.
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon,
And since then has never benzene!

Cool Cruel Test
by Kay R. Devicci©

The thermo exam was quite near-o,
And he thought everything was quite clear-o;
"Why study this junk
I'm sure I won't flunk,"
But they gave him an Absolute Zero.

The Bose-Einstein Story (Condensed)
by Jonathan P. Dowling

A couple of young guys in Boulder,
Cooled their gas cloud down colder and colder.
Then with much exhortation,
They hit Bose Condensation,
And beat out their rivals (much older).

Relatively Good Advice
by Edward H. Green

Dear S': I note with distress
The length of your yardstick is less
And please wind your clock
To make it tick-tock
More briskly. Your faithful friend, S.

Proton Decay
by David Halliday

A proton once said, "I'll fulfill
My long-term belief in free will.
Though theorists (may) say
That I ought to decay
I'm damned if I think that I will."

And Then There Were Photons
by William Rolnick

An electron, while trav'ling in space,
Met a positron there "face-to-face."
The electron then sighed,
At the sight of his bride
And they "died" in a loving embrace.

Einstein, Podolsky and Rosen
by David Halliday

Two photons, close-coupled at start,
Flew several parsecs apart.
Said one, in distress,
"What you're forced to express
Removes any choice on my part."

Fussy Electrons
by David Morin, Eric Zaslow, E'beth Haley, John Golden, and Nathan Salwen

An electron is sure hard to please.
When spread out, it sometimes will freeze.
Though agoraphobic,
It's still claustrophobic,
And runs off when put in a squeeze.

The Cat in the Tree
by Peter Price

Another great Dane has made free
With a question of Be or Not be.
Now might Schr"dinger's puss,
In descending by Schuss,
Leave one track on each side of a tree?

Protecting Schrödinger's Cat
by Devlin Gualtieri

PETA was out in full force,
But not for a dog or a horse.
At Schr"dinger's place
They pleaded their case
For the sake of his cat, of course

Desperately Surfing for Science
by David Morin, Eric Zaslow, E'beth Haley, John Golden, and Nathan Salwen

Who needs the balance and check?
Screw peer review -what the heck!
Send all of your crap
To the internet -zap!
Who cares if it's nothing but dreck!

On What's New and True
author unknown

A certain Phys Rev referee
Considers all papers with glee:
"What's new is not true,
And what's true is not new,
Unless it was written by me."
[Editor's Note: Several variants on this theme were submitted.]

The Past Isn't What it Used To Be
by Bruce Elliott

A professor of Physics named May
Complains of the classroom today,
"The problem, you know,
Is that they're too slow.
We were far better students than they."

His friend, a professor named Beecham,
Said "It's true, you don't seem to reach 'em.
But they're not to blame,
For they haven't the same
Class of teachers that we had, to teach 'em!"

Great Lies
by Beall Flower

There are several Great Lies that we know.
One is "I'll love you tomorrow."
Here's another false word
That we've recently heard,
"With less money your research will grow!"

Quark-Dork Symmetry Group
by Kay R. Devicci©
When we physicists talk about quarks,
And "sleptons," "sneutronos," and "squarks,"
We shouldn't be stunned
When the Congress won't fund
Our big projects - they think that we're dorks!

A Physicist from Nantucket
by Michael Van Leeuwen

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who...
...oops...just got a life.

Amikam Aharoni
A theorist evaluating a weight,
Neglected what he should calculate.
He said: what the hell,
I do quite well,
When two is much larger than eight!

Amikam Aharoni
Maxwell had plenty of time to think
While dipping his pen in the ink.
Today's computations
With Maxwell's equations
Don't leave you the time for a wink.

Sarah Antel
There once was a man with strange hair.
He said, "Anything other than physics, don't care."
He sat down with a book,
And had a long look,
And he realized that E=mc2!

Bruce Baskir
"Electrons all jumbled like rice?"
Quoth Einstein, "That's too high a price."
In reply, answered God
"Well I don't find it odd.
So shut-up and let me play dice."

Phil Best
In advising potential physics majors the late Marshall Walker conveyed the fervor of some students, as follows:
To students unsure of their station
Our colleague made prognostication.
Your competitor's facts
In ordering acts
Rank physics before fornication.

Hard Times at Physics High
by Irving J. Bigio, Ph.D.

Some fear physics these days is contractive;
Yet complexity keeps the field active.
Feigenbaum is chaotic,
Mandelbrot 'most erotic,
and I find them strangely attractive.

George Cody
with help from Harry Drickamer and who knows who else
There was once a bold referee
Who reviewed each paper with glee.
What's new is not true!
What's true is not new!
Unless it's been published by me.

Robert D. Cowan
There once was a fly on the wall
I wonder why didn't it fall
Because its feet stuck
Or was it just luck
Or does gravity miss things so small?

James P. Crawford
There once was a pole-vaulter named Dwight,
whose speed approached that of light.
He was trapped one day
in a barn, so they say,
but Dwight said "No, that's not right!"

Kay R. Devicci ©
I had a twin sister Marie,
Who went off at a speed close to c.
She came back one day
In a relative way,
And ended up younger than me.

Kay R. Devicci ©
As the cosmos expands, growing flatter,
The cosmologists argue and chatter.
Or massive neutrinos -
They want to know what's the (dark) matter.

Stephen Hawking's "no boundary" condition
Puts God in an awkward position.
With nothing to do,
His purpose is through
So He might as well fix my transmission.

As if all of you folks didn't know it,
I'm a physicist, not a poet.
I work with space-time,
Not with rhythm and rhyme,
And these verses should certainly show it.

A tachyon, moving quite fast,
Was imaginarily-massed;
And thus it decayed
Before it was made,
As to traveled from future to past.

My brother likes lying in hammocks;
My sister likes doing ceramics;
But I get my kicks
From al the neat tricks
In quantum electrodynamics.

As physics gets harder and harder,
The physicists seem to get smarter.
They now know topology,
With its groups cohomology,
And those things are just for a starter.

"The Nature of Space-Time" was written
By those two brilliant guys from Great Britain.
They discuss profound things,
But there's little on strings,
Which must certainly vex Edward Witten.

A physicist, almost in tears,
Said, "A proton, it seems, disappears.
The GUT;s say
That it should decay
in 1031 years."

A physicist grumbled one day,
"These protons don't seem to decay.
We once had high hopes,
But we now feel like dopes,
For those darn things - they just seem to stay."

When we physicists talk about quarks,
And "sleptons," "sneutronos," and "squarks,"
We shouldn't be stunned
When the Congress won't fund
Our big projects - they think that we're dorks!

When physicists misuse their brains
To give particles whimsical names,
Most folks think we're liable
To be certifiable
And they don't want to fund our mad games.

Michael Cohen - you really should meet him;
For humor, no other can beat him;
Such as when he relates
The continuum states
To those that are "in the discretum."

The thermo exam was quite near - o,
And he thought everything was quite clear - o;
"Why study this junk
I'm sure I won't flunk,"
But they gave him an Absolute Zero.

A physicist ran in a race
That was held in reciprocal space.
His momentum that day (sigh!)
was h times kj;
Twas as bad as just running in place.

An expert on things astrophysical
Develop an countenance quizzical
When I told him one day,
"Oh sir, I can say
Our relationship's totally physical."

With all the abortions each morn
Now performed on young ladies forlorn,
You don't need lots of nerve
Or a close timelike curve
To die months before you were born.

If you care about animal rights,
Consider the horrible plights,
Of Schrodinger's cat,
And other's like that,
For many long days and long nights.

These cats suffer agonized fates -
And superposition of states;
Not alive or quite dead,
Something ghoulish instead,
Till a measurement ends their long waits.

Then a physicist looks with his eye,
Knowing seeing could make the cat die.
Puts the poor cat through hell,
Just to get his Nobel,
As her kittens sob, "Mommy, good-bye!"

Do you know "The Charge of the Light Brigade?"
The English teacher said.
"You want that in coulombs or esu?",
sand the physicist, scratching his head.

Phillip Devicci ©
A Yukon professor quite quizzical
Liked studying properties physical.
He was very bold;
The weather was cold
When he pissed, all he got was a whizzicle.

Jonathan P. Dowling
There is this weird codger named Wootters,
Who seeks to build quantum computers.
He's wagered two bits,
He'll prevail without qubits,
But he finds he has many disputers.

Jonathan P. Dowling
A couple of young guys in Boulder,
Cooled their gas cloud down colder and colder.
Then with much exhortation,
They hit Bose Condensation,
And beat out their rivals (much older).

Jonathan P. Dowling
The chemist heaved a long sigh,
When his filtrate was finally dry ...
But an unstable fraction,
In a quick chain reaction,
Formed a mushroom cloud five miles high.

Jonathan P. Dowling
A quantum mechanic named Twitty,
Is trying out "Schroedinger's Kitty".
The poor feline(s) await,
For him to pry open the crate,
And then exalt in great joy -- or great pity.

Jonathan P. Dowling
McHumbug maintains the delusion,
That soon he'll be getting cold fusion.
For two weeks now he's strove,
With an old pot on the stove,
To detect neutron flux in profusion.

Jonathan P. Dowling
Our buoyant new physics instructor,
Has found a new superconductor.
He shouts, "The Tc
Is room temp -- do you see!?"
While afloat on a magnetic inductor.

Bruce Elliot
The graviton's something unique,
A particle many would seek.
To Earth we are stuck
It seems, more by luck,
For its coupling's exceedingly weak!

Bruce Elliot
deBroglie, caught quite unawares,
Observed a mixed state of affairs:
'Twas Schroedinger's cat
Who quietly sat,
While running away down the stairs.

Bruce Elliot
Implicit in Maxwell's equations
Are truly important relations.
While fields are unchanged,
Potentials may range,
Distinguished by gauge transformations.

A Brief History of Gravity
by Bruce Elliot

It filled Gallileo with mirth
To watch his two rocks fall to Earth.
He gladly proclaimed,
"Their rates are the same,
And quite independent of girth!"

Then Newton announced in due course
His own law of gravity's force:
"It goes, I declare,
As the inverted square
Of the distance from object to source."

But remarkably, Einstein's equation
Succeeds to describe gravitation
As spacetime that's curved,
And it's this that will serve
As the planets' unique motivation.

Yet the end of the story's not written;
By a new way of thinking we're smitten.
We twist and we turn,
Attempting to learn
The Superstring Theory of Witten!

Bruce Elliot
'tHooft had the realization
Of couplings' peculiar relation.
He'd only to solve
Just how they evolve,
Performing renormalization.

Bruce Elliott
The Particle Physics morass
Is stuck on the problem of mass.
If Higgs can be found,
We'll all come around.
Till then it's a pain in the neck.

Bruce Elliott
Beware of the plasma fanatics,
They're prone to a fusion of antics
That generate heat
When hydrogens meet
With magnetohydrodynamics.
(well, YOU rhyme it!)

Bruce Elliott
"The quark's a mysterious fellow!"
My advisor was oft prone to bellow,
"It's red, blue, or green,
(Though it's never been seen),
And certainly couldn't be yellow!"

Beall Flower
There are several Great Lies that we know
One is "I'll love you tomorrow."
Here's another false word
That we've recently heard,
"With less money your research will grow!"

Jeff Fortner
There once was a fencer from Minsk
Whose saber technique was quite brisk
So fast was his action
The Lorentz contraction
Reduced his sword to a disk

A. P. French
Said Sir Isaac: "I've got a great notion
That force is a changer of motion.
Let's put it this way:
F equals ma
The rest is just sweat and devotion."

Miss Farad was pretty and sensual
and charged to a reckless potential;
But a rascal named Ohm
Conducted her home
Her decline was, alas, exponential.

Said that famous old physicist Volta
"My dry cells put out quite a jolt-a.
When I throw this switch,
All your muscles will twitch
If you were a chicken, you'd molt-a."

A.P. French
Oh captain, now where can we be,
after traveling so close to c?
"We've reached the far spot,
that you thought we could not:
length-contraction in action, you see."

A.P. French
Went out for a walk on the grass
A slumbering lepton
Who nearly got stepped on
Protested "Remember your mass!"

A.P. French
Said a quantum mechanic named Steve
"I find it quite hard to believe
That all of that gang
Who pursue the Big Bang
Have anything new up their sleeve."

A.P. French
A semiconductor named Si
Got some arsenic stuck in his eye.
It made him a donor
And (though not a moaner)
He couldn't help wondering why.

A.P. French
There was a young fellow named Cole
Who ventured too near a black hole.
His dv by dt
Was quite wondrous to see
But now all that's left is his soul.

Edward H. Green (deceased)
(sent in by Joseph Gruenebaum)
A simple improvement I've found:
Let troublesome numbers be round
And both pi and "e"
Be equal to three
And kgm = 2 lb.

Edward H. Green (deceased)
The first law of Newton I sing
My voice has a relevant ring:
"An object left free
Of hassles will be
Engrossed in just doing its thing."

Edward H. Green (deceased)
Dear S': I note with distress
The length of your yardstick is less
And please wind your clock
To make it tick-tock
More briskly. Your faithful friend, S.

Edward H. Green (deceased)
This answers your hasty request
To speed up your medical test:
Your increase in weight
Is nothing you ate,
It's E over c square; just rest.

Edward H. Green (deceased)
My twin is much younger than I
He's travelled a lot, that is why
If I had the brain
I'd be glad to explain
But Einstein I'm not, so why try.

Edward H. Green (deceased)
(The following one may have appeared in AJP long ago.)
"I'm English!" he said, with a scowl
"My name, I should think, would be 'Joule'
And yet, as a rule
I must answer to 'Joule' -
Confound that ambiguous vow'l!"

Devlin Gualtieri
In youth, his hair grew like a weed,
But Old Hubble was balding, indeed.
"I know that I ought
To make this constant a naught,
Then my hairline will never recede."

Devlin Gualtieri
PETA was out in full force,
But not for a dog or a horse.
At Schrodinger's place
They pleaded their case
For the sake of his cat, of course.

Devlin Gualtieri
Einstein sat all night awake.
"These equations are so hard to make!"
"With a wave of my hands,
The Universe expands,
But Omega puts on the brake."

Devlin Gualtieri
Dr. Young was having a fit.
His optics had developed a slit.
"My grant will not pay,
So I'll use it this way."
And you know the rest of this bit.

Devlin Gualtieri
There once was a Chemist named Pauling,
Whose predictions were downright enthralling.
"I'm really quite fond
Of the chemical bond
That I get with this sticking and balling."

Devlin Gualtieri
There once was a Solid State Phys.
Who hated this Quantum Math biz.
"Forget all that crap, *
The band has a gap,
And that's just the way that it is!"

(* Colorful language in the tradition of Richard Feynman)

Devlin Gualtieri
"It's here, right under your nose!"
"Just arrange the whole thing in rows."
"Put hydrogen here,"
Dmitri would cheer,
"And tungsten down by your toes."

Devlin Gualtieri
An equal of Gordon was Klein,
And his work was equally fine.
But, lo, what a fate,
For in Physics of late,
His name is replaced by a sine!

Devlin Gualtieri
Hadrons, leptons, bosons, too,
Are members of our little zoo.
Though in their stalls
As little balls,
They're really clouds of quantum goo.

Devlin Gualtieri
Can there be any levity
In electronegativity?
Fluorine is high,
As are others nearby.
How is that for brevity?

Devlin Gualtieri
The accountant was ranting and hissing!
Such an audit was not of our wishing!
But such was our state,
An astronomer's fate,
Since some of our mass was found missing!

Proton Decay
David Halliday

A proton once said, "I'll fulfill
My long-term belief in free will.
Though theorists say
That I ought to decay
I'm damned if I think that I will."

The Hubble Constant
God said, "I find no delight
In my constant H's sad plight.
Is it high? Is it low?
They simply don't know.
(And I'm not quite sure which is right.)"

Einstein Podolsky and Rosen
Two photons, close-coupled at start,
Flew several parsecs apart.
Said one, in distress,
"What you're forced to express
Removes any choice on my part."

Neutrino Oscillations
From the Sun's core a neutrino flew
Saying, "I've got the Earth to go through.
Then I'll reach Super-K
But while on the way
I might just turn into a mu."

Srikanth Hariharan
There once lived a man named de Broglie
who thought of physics classically.
He found this unique feature,
Of waves and particles in nature
And took a quantum leap finally!

Srikanth Hariharan
There was a young man named Laurel
Who sought to publish in PRL.
He worked on Helium-3,
Discovered superfluidity
But the Cornell trio beat him to the Nobel!

Edward G. Harris
Paul Adrien Maurice Dirac
Said "I am going to the pub for a beer and will not soon be back.
If anyone ask if I am in,
Say, No he is out discovering electron spin".

Author unknown, submitted by Ken Kiger
There once was a girl named Irene,
who lived on distilled kerosene.
But she started absorbin'
a new hydrocarbon,
and since then has never benzene!

Daniel Koon
PHYSIX LIMERIX:
To Michelson and E. W. Morley
ther theory explained rather poorly
Why their first beam of light
Reached their eyepiece all right,
But the next one arrived just as early.

That patent clerk -- Al What's-his-name --
Told us energy and mass are the same.
To make matters worse,
He said (not in verse)
That there is no preferred reference frame.

Daniel Koon
Fermi called the small bugger neutrino
After maybe a little much vino.
I hate to be crass,
But whatever its mass,
It's still way too small to be seen-o.

Grad student Edwin H. Hall,
So excited he might bounce off the wall,
Said, "this brand new effect
Causes charge to deflect,
Given current and B-field -- that's all."

Steve Langer
There once was a fat Anglo-Saxon
Who raced round while putting his slacks on.
"My trousers won't fit,
If I don't shrink a bit
With Lorentz and Fitzgerald's contraction!"

Steve Langer
The chairman of AT&T
Said, "Your graduate physics degree
Is not worth a penny --
Of your kind we've too many.
Perhaps you can program in C?"

Arthur Lesk
A girl whose frustration was chronic
Became cynical, brash and sardonic:
"I do flutters and dips,
when I wiggle my hips --
They love it when I'm anharmonic."

Arthur Lesk
A bachelor named bra took a bet
That he'd meet a young spinster named ket
He boasted he'd hail her:
"Hi ... let's make a scalar,
Or turn back to back and project"

Arthur Lesk
An abelian group lived far away,
and spent hours in his car every day.
He complained to his pa,
(For whom ab wasn't ba)
"This commuting is turning me gray."

Valerie Lesk
A lady was once on a horse
She rode it with much too much force
Her scaler went vector
The horse tried to protect her,
But the impulse had killed her, of course.

Valerie Lesk
There once was a witch from Carlisle
Who stirred up her cauldron with style,
Adding mass and momentum,
she couldn't prevent'em
From forming a bright projectile

Victor Lesk
There was a professor called Dove,
A senatoress was his love.
His child by this female
Was screwed up - by E-mail...
.edu..? or was he .gov???

Victor Lesk
There once was a keen Aberdonian
Who burnt himself frying an onion,
His mom said 'Oh, my,
I don't wish to pry,
But I think you've the wrong Hamiltonian'

Karen Lingel
UFOs and psychic emanations.
EMF and cow mutilations.
The TV is awash
with reports of goulash
Teleported to distant locations!

Karen Lingel
Some people believe in such junk --
Stuff that I (PhD!) can debunk.
But will anyone listen?
No! Their brains are Out Fishin'!
I should just give up and get drunk.

D.M. Lipkin
We need more than a theory ad-hoc,
Understandable to a post-doc,
For why unit Planck action and Millikan charge
make spins up or down interlock!

Mike Lubell
There once was a quantum optician
Embarked on a ludicrous mission.
His goal was to show
That all photons are slow,
In spite of their massless condition.

Mike Lubell
"Their three colors are red, white and blue,"
The professor said over a brew.
A drunk student objected,
"That's not been detected!
And without any proof, I say screw!"

Linear Events
David Markowitz

One day you have a clear path
To spend your hour in the bath,
With arch deities like Archimedes
And the power of physics and math.

Nonlinear event
David Markowitz

Another day but not to bore you;
The towel is gone that would restore you.
You're late, you fuss, get hit by a bus.
Well, there goes chaos for you.

Chris Matthews
Through a prism looked Newton at light.
The spectrum was a curious sight.
"This light isn't stained,"
Sir Isaac explained,
"for when recombined it comes back white!"

Chris Matthews
The sky has a beautiful hue,
to scattering of light it's due.
Long wavelengths like red,
through air go unbled,
leaving us seeing the blue!

Chris Matthews
Explained Heisenberg one day to his son,
"My Principle is not a difficult one.
Measuring x is an ease,
and finding p is a breeze,
but determining both I'm not sure can be done."

Chris Matthews
Is light a particle or wave?
Corpusular it seems to behave.
But thru a double slit,
Interference does its bit,
demonstrating that photons do quave.

Chris Matthews
What causes the mountains to lift?
What causes a fissure to rift?
What makes the ground shake
during an earthquake?
The answer is continental drift!

Chris Matthews
Answer this question if you will,
What colours the green of dill?
In a plant cell,
is a chemical,
that goes by the name chlorophyll!

Chris Matthews
Alpha centauri is a binary star,
the distance to which is quite far.
Said Einstein, one night,
"To measure, use light."
"Denn it's only 4,3 Jahr!"

Roy Briere Maxwell
If you'll just add dE by dt
And combine equations, you'll see
That waves a la Hertz
And photons, in spurts,
Both travel with speed equal c.

David Morin, Eric Zaslow, E'beth Haley, John Golden, Nathan Salwen - Harvard team)
There once was a world full of things,
But Ed said 'tis nothing but strings.
With Kaluza extensions
To eleven dimensions,
"It's really quite simple," he sings.

The ad said, for one little fee,
You can skip all that grad-school ennui.
So send your tuition,
No need for admission!
Get your mail-order physics degree!

The prof was so clever and wise,
When his work was inspired by highs.
In the cosmos he'd dine
On rose-petal wine,
With giraffes wearing purple suede ties.

(David Morin, Eric Zaslow, E'beth Haley, John Golden, Nathan Salwen - Harvard team)
Who needs the balance and check?
Screw peer review --- what the heck!
Send all of your crap
To the internet --- zap!
Who cares if it's nothing but dreck!

There once was a student with flash,
Who set out to make a big splash.
But the profs who were rising
Had no time for advising,
So she's back on the streets, selling hash.

There once was a scathing review,
Which blasted the work through and through.
It said that what's true
Is clearly not new,
And what's new is most surely not true.
(these last three lines come from a well-known quote)

On a merry-go-round in the night,
Coriolis was shaken with fright.
Despite how he walked,
'Twas like he was stalked,
By some fiend always pushing him right.

Ernst Mach found himself in Nantucket,
Where water he spun in a bucket.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"My, how those distant stars suck it!"

Light passed a black hole from Nantucket,
Where his pull was so great he would suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he pulled the light in,
"With Hawking radiation, I'll chuck it!"

There was a black hole from Nantucket,
Whose trick was to grab light and suck it.
He sucked so much in,
I scratched at my chin,
Wond'ring where in this stunt he could tuck it.

A grad student's search for advisors
Turned up a boatload of misers.
There was barely a nickel,
Cash flowed in a trickle,
And not, as expected, in geysers.

"Extremize f," said the text.
I at once $\partial f/\partial x$'ed.
I zeroed that, sighed,
$\partial f/\partial y$'ed,
But solving these two had me vexed.

The change in the two cars' momentum
Was that which a third car had lent them.
Total P was conserved,
Until, braking, they swerved,
And total K.E., till it bent them.

When God said, "Let the Higgs be!"
He gave it but slight energy.
He said, "You grow thinner,
You must have some dinner."
So it ate up some W and Z.

On a tropical beach walked Niels Bohr,
Transfixed by the waves flowing pure.
Then he looked at the sand,
And thought it quite grand How those waves met the grains at the shore.

A young child looked up in the sky,
And said, "It's so blue, Mom, but why?"
You see, blue scatters more
(There's this power of 4),
So it rarely comes straight to your eye.

John never comes home to the house.
He's working too hard! cried his spouse.
He toils all night,
'Neath the terminal's light,
With only one hand on the mouse.

There once was an academician,
Whose papers should've earned the position,
But were too-fewly numbered,
So untenured he lumbered,
'Till he fell to the ranks of attrition.

What would you have said, Galileo,
If instead you dropped cows and did say, "Oh!
To lessen the sound
Of the moos from the ground,
They should fall not through air but through mayo!"

The experiment of Michelson and Morley
Allows us to say, very surely,
"If this ether is real,
It has no appeal,
And shows itself off rather poorly."

One day, legend says, Isaac Newton
Came a-runnin', a-hollerin', and a-hootin'.
He was a-rubbin' his head,
And a-wishin' instead
Of an apple, he'd picked a rambuten.

The cosmos according to Hubble
Expands like the soap of a bubble.
Let's hope it's not closed,
It would then be disposed
To shrink down to zero, and that's trouble.

One morning while eating my Wheaties,
I felt the earth move 'neath my feeties.
The cause for alarm
Was a long lever-arm,
At the end of which stood Archimedes.

Relativistic limericks have the attraction
Of being shrunk by a Lorentz contraction.
But for readers, unwary,
The results may be scary,
When they see just a fraction . . .

The power of M's and C-squares
Provides us with just cause for scares.
Our childhood fright
Of a bump in the night
Is now mushrooms from nightmarish prayers.

There once was a tunnel in Texas.
To physics, it turned out a nexus.
Congress said, "Nay!
For this we won't pay
It won't help in building a Lexus."

There once was a method, RG.
That gets rid of the infinity.
Some say that the bug
Is hid by a rug,
But maybe that's how it should be.

Your units are wrong! cried the teacher.
Your church weighs six joules --- what a feature!
The people inside
Are four hours wide,
And eight Gauss away from the preacher!

They're vacuuming dirt from Topeka
With a bad-ass, humongous Eureka.
The silt is then fed
To the East River bed,
"But you'll flood," Archi said, "Nuyorica!"
(note: we thought Nuyorica was a place in NYC, but now
we're not so sure.)

Larry Lobster crawls deep in the sea,
Where the pressure and depth guarantee
That all the frustrations
Of mighty crustaceans
Won't help when they have to go pee.

An electron is sure hard to please.
When spread out, it sometimes will freeze.
Though agoraphobic,
It's still claustrophobic,
And runs off when put in a squeeze.

Copernicus gave his reply
To those who had pledged to deny.
"All your addictions
To ancient convictions
Won't bring back your place in the sky."

As we grow up, we open an ear,
Exploring the cosmic frontier.
In this coming of age,
We turn in our cage,
All alone on a tiny blue sphere.

The referee caused him much strife.
She sounded so much like his wife.
"Accept my derisions
On all your revisions,
And get the hell out of my life!"

"To three, five, and seven, assign
A name," the prof said, "we'll define."
But he botched the instruction
With lame-ass induction,
And told us the next prime was nine.

Newton said as he gazed off afar,
"From here to the most distant star,
The wond'rous ellipses
And solar eclipses
All come from a 1 over r."

The skill to do math on a page
Has declined to the point of outrage.
Equations quadratica
Are solved on mathematica,
And on birthdays we don't know our age.

Frank Moser
There was a young lassie named Laser
Who never let problems dephase her
Never yielding coherence
She kept up her appearance
By wearing a ruby red blazer

Limerico di Galileo©
by Martin J. Murphy

While watching a cannonball's motion,
Galileo conceived of the notion
That natural laws,
Not a mystical Cause,
Ruled the physical world's locomotion.

Though its own view was mostly confused,
The Church was not greatly amused
With this flaunting of Deo
By old Galileo
And ordered it quickly defused.

So the Pope sent some priests who inquired
If it wouldn't be best he retired?
"Undoubtedly you know
What we did for Bruno;
Do you also wish to be fired?"

He asked an old Cardinal's opinion:
"Pray tell me, Your Grace, if you will then,
Does this mean what I think?
That henceforth I must shrink
From discussing my clever perception?"

Said Bellarmine, "No, it is not a ban;
If you want to keep teaching of course you can.
They merely have said
To take care where you tread
And smile when you say thing Copernican."

Unbeknownst to our venerable dissident
The records said something quite different.
When the Pope saw the note
The inquisitors wrote
He lost what remained of his temperament.

The message the Vatican sent
Was blunt in its stated intent
"Recant all this heresy
Quick or we' harass thee,
Now til your life has been spent."

In facing the dread inquisition,
Few men could defend their position;
So it shouldn't surprise
When we are apprised
Of old Galileo's decision.

"Explaining celestial motion
Needs more than just faith and devotion.
But to save my poor head
I'll recant what I've said
(Though I'll secretly keep to my notion)".

So our friend the illustrious Florentine
Spent his last years in Vatican quarantine,
Locked up in his home
By the prelates of Rome
For being a cosmical libertine.

The Church caused a major imbroglio
By correcting Copernicus' folio
Yet it couldn't discern
The abuse it would earn
In forbidding the whole Dialogo?

By killing Sidereus Nuncius
For the news that their views were defunctus,
The renaissance ended
And darkness descended
Upon the Dominican dunces.

In spite of the Vatican's dissuasion
Galileo still rose to the occasion.
Though once deemed heretical,
He proved more phrophetical
Than those of a clerical persuasion.

Peter Price
An electronic scheme promised lots
From coherently joined nanodots.
But when Coulomb blockaded
The gadgets abraded,
And converted their white noise to shots.

Peter Price
While bemused by my whirling screen saver,
I imagined a new lepton flavor.
But I'll yet make my mark
With a loftier top quark,
Or an anyone bigger and braver.

Peter Price
A youthful encoder named Alice
Has tunnelled from Dover to Calais:
Since her heart failed to throb
While entangled with Bob,
An oblivious transfer to the Gallish.
* 'Calais' as spoken in Maine

Peter Price
Since the Unending Frontier's demise,
A change of perspective seems wise.
For no grants will be hatched
With string theories attached,
While society's eye's on the prize.

Peter Price
I sing the Am. Phys. Soc's first century,
And our labors both bookish and venturey.
Now our Physical Reviews
Come in multiple hues,
Wherein none of it seems elementary.

Peter Price
Copenhagen's view may be correct,
In entangling observe and effect.
Still it seems to me that
Only Schro"dinger's cat
Knows which side of a door to select.

Peter Price
Another great Dane has made free
With a question of Be or Not be.
Now might Schro"dinger's puss,
In descending by Schuss,
Leave one track on each side of a tree?

Michael Reck
We all think it's called entanglement.
But what we think is not what he meant.
The proper translation
of Schrvdinger's version,
Verschr\"ankung, is more like entwinement!

Michael Reck
The multiport is a thing nefarious.
The ways of construction are various.
With phases and mirrors,
and bewaring of errors,
the setups we build are precarious.

Michael Reck
The physics of optical fibers
present us with effects diverse
that will pulses reshape
interference unmake
with components that light do disperse.

Michael Reck
A splitter for three is a tritter.
In labs he's a popular critter.
A quarter is for four
and the device for more,
the splitter for five, is a quitter.

Michael Reck
Photons in pairs have a quality
with no regard for reality
when on paths that don't meet
they non-locally beat
testing a Bell inequality.

Michael Reck
Writing with a cramp in the finger,
references include Schr\"odinger,
Einstein and Podolsky,
Rosen cum Zukowski,
with Greenberger, Horne, and Zeilinger.

And Then There Were Photons
William Rolnick

An electron, while trav'ling in space,
met a positron there "face-to-face."
The electron then sighed,
at the sight of his bride
and they "died" in a loving embrace.

Detector's Dilemma
William Rolnick

Two slits were wide open, you see.
But no photons would land here on me.
When they shut down one slit,
I received quite a bit.
Well now, how could that possibly be?

Short Ode to John Keats
William Rolnick

That beauty ain't truth, we now know.
And, yes, truth isn't beauty, but lo,
although they're quite rare,
those two do form a pair.
And by bottom and top they now go.

Indeterminism
William Rolnick

Is nature so fickle, my friend,
an indefinite future t'portend?
"Well they say it is so
'cause experiments show
Probability reigns in the end."

Michael Scanlan
Said the cat in the box, "This is fun.
Inside all chances are one.
So there could be a kitten
With whom I am smitten.
Please don't lift the lid till I'm done."

Conway W Snyder
It's as easy to say as to know
That in winter molasses is slow.
But a physicist, enamored of verbosity,
Would invent some mathematical monstrosity
And attribute the decrease of the velocity
To its "thermal coefficient ov viscosity".

Roger Tobin
Erwin's tabby cried out to be fed.
In a box he confined her instead.
Now she sits there and waits
In her superposed states,
To find out if she's living or dead.

Morris E. Wickliffe
Though well known as an inveterate talker
Of his manifest skills as a stalker
He is quick to demur
That he's not after fur
Only atoms are trapped by Thad Walker

John Woodward
A Danish professor named Bohr
Thought atoms had a nuclear core,
"A plum pudding raisin
Would scatter just grazing,
Not like sine to the negative four!"

There once was an Editor who, without shame,
Changed the rules in the middle of the game.
Against the tradition,
And conventional definition,
He allowed multi-stanzas under limerick name!

If a player will kick a basketball while running,
Will the referee praise him for being so cunning?
And yet we see in the list
Of the limericks finalist
These multi-stanza poems, which is just stunning!

There once was a theorist, well worthy of mention,
Who neglected the leading term in a series expansion.
He said: elegance counts
More than actual amounts
Only engineers are concerned with the real dimension!

Stanley Bashkin
When physics professors get old,
As thousands do yearly, I'm told,
And the question is what
Should be done with this glut,
Why - kick them right out in the cold.

Your physics proposal is clear,
Said the fund officer with a sneer,
But I can't grant you dough.
Your research is too slow -
Only one Nobel prize every year.

Relativity tells us that light
Has a speed firmly fixed. That's all right
From dawn until evening,
But who is believing
That the law can apply in the night?

Yes, it's said, with a smidgen of insolence,
That one particle's known just by inference.
We could see this small honey
If we had lot's of money,
But we won't make a particle of difference.

A young physicist, surnamed de Murk,
Had tough duties he never would shirk.
His research, near to zero,
Almost made him a hero,
But he never could warm to his work.

Come 2000, time's technical junction,
My computer may face extreme unction,
But what I most query
Is, Will I be merry
And thus prove I'm still able to function?

On the Non-PC Limerick "Condensed story of MSFarad"
The APS News boss B. Ripin
Thought the Farad poem a pipin
But faced with the scorn
of the movement against porn
His grip on his job is now slippin

Carl A. Benz
When Enrico Fermi to Chicago came.
He did something that brought him fame,
By mixing atoms of C with U
the pile went critical right on cue,
And this whole world will never be the same.

When the pile began to multiply in the grid,
as Fermi's pocket slide rule slid.
The K factor was greater than one,
something was new under the sun,
And the mystery of Fission was no longer hid.

There's big news about Schrödinger's cat,
lots of fuss is made about that.
But the cat had a kitten
and the world is smitten,
We've all go to learn to say scat!

Since Clinton put a ban on people cloning,
It drives lots of people to phoning,
Is it ever fair,
they say in despair,
To ignore all the moaning?

We've got to stop the consequences, said Clinton on cloning,
ethics and morals are in the gloaming,
We've got to decide
if we can abide
with the questions now rampantly roaming.

If stopping research on things controversial today,
researchers will just have to find a way,
to get private funds they might declare,
We want to clone the old grey mare,
And hold the federal inspectors at Bay.

Einstein said Can the sun, a star emitting light by the ton,
Attract light from a more distant one?
Astronomers took up the scent,
Yes, truly the light was bent,
And Einstein had the skeptics on the run.

If FDR, in 1940 had said, This nuclear thing may be bad.
I'll hold it up for study just a tad.
The risk to the human race,
is so hard to face.
But he didn't and we are all glad.

It's good to see in your contest clean limericks galore,
A recent visit to a big bookstore,
Showed books so risqué
it would blow you away,
You'd never go back any more.

Of all the thrills that come to men,
the best is that phone call from Sweden.
You've won the Nobel Prize.
Your chest goes up another size,
Oh, Mon, dig my suitcase out of my old play pen.

When Einstein said without a doubt,
and by this time he had some clout,
He wrote F.D.R. a letter,
Get on with the atom, 'tis better.
But I'm only a high school drop out.

A post Doc went out and on his favorite bar did knock,
Ordered a walnut daiquiri served in a crock.
The bartender was out of walnuts that day,
If he put in Hickory nuts, then he'd say,
Here's your hickory, daiquiri, Doc.

Everett's Hypothesis
Edward A. Fagen

The universe came to a junction
When Erwin collapsed his wave function.
He lifted the lid
And found that it hid
A pussy in need of Last Unction.

Modern Research
In my youth I was always dead keen
On the lab and the practical scene:
The electrics, the glassware,
The wax, string and brassware...
But now there is only a screen.

Said that well-known cosmologist Hawking:
"Stop arguing, cut out the squawking.
If you're asking who knows
How the Universe goes,
Then you'd better let me do the talking."

The Doppler in Court
There once was a young man named Lee,
Charged for running a red light in Philly.
"But your honor 'twas green,
At least it had been.
I was moving at .2 times c."

There once was a prof lacking prudence,
Who studied a black hole's refusance
To show hide or hair
Of what he'd tossed there,
Including the last of his students!

A wine bottle bottom's crevasse,
Or a colorful techni-morass.
Sprinkle softly with SUSY,
And you'll have something juicy.
Serve cold and you'll gain lots of mass.

There once was a bird filled with gas,
Who bobbed back and forth with it's mass,
For one complete hour,
Changing sunlight to power,
Its novelty never surpassed.

Torkil H. Jensen
The name of our own APS
- misleading, we ought to confess.
We rarely are physical
(sometimes dinysical)
It's physics we do - more or less.

Bruno and Bellarmine
Why canonize R. Bellarmine,
Astronomically but a weenie?
He put Bruno the boaster

Stalking Solar Neutrinos
In caverns deep under the ground,
They sniff SNUs* like hungry bloodhounds.
But maybe their prey
Can change 'long the way
And sneak by without being found.

* An SNU is a solar neutrino unit, a measure of the flux of neutrinos from the sun.

How I Will Be Spending My Summer Vacation
The alchemists, so I have read,
tried hard to make gold out of lead;
But the more modern cult
(with the same end result)
is begging from Congress, instead!

The True Story of Sylvester's Theorem
There once was a man named Sylvester
Whose wife he did very much pester.
And so to endear him,
She wrote him the theorem
That ruined my whole damn semester!

Crystallography
An X-ray shot out like a tear
Took off for a crystal quite bare
It wasn't the plasticity
But that darn periodicity
That reduced its' mood to despair

Point of View
A meson decending in flight
Was veering first left and then right
So brisk was its' action
That the Lorentz contraction
Made quite an indelible sight

K-Capture
An electron was spinning around
And moving quite close to the ground
Exotic its' rapture
At the thought of K-capture
Conceiving a new compound

neutrino
There once was a hard gamma ray
And a nucleus it forced to decay
A resultant bambino
Was called the neutrino
Which hasn't been seen to this day

Radioactivity
An atom that came from the tap
Had electrons all over its map
But in its' interstices
Lurked a much worse disease
Decay-and a permanent zap

Wavicles
When a smart little wave named Swoom
Found a particle up in her room
She remembered DeBroglie
And the Scriptures so holy
Duality, depression and gloom

First Things First
There once was a spaceman named Dwight,
Who, it's said, could go faster than light.
He took off one day,
in a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.

A Question of Cosmic Significance
Yelled my astro professor (named Bob),
"What's the 'three-degree background', you slob?"
I replied, "Sad to say,
Ph.D. to B.A.,
It is no guarantee of a job!"

There was a young atom in Hell
With a vacancy in an inner shell.
An electron high above
In his heavenly love
Saw the hole, and in it he fell.

Classsical cycle
There was a young man named Carnot
Whose engine was best in the show
With enough fuel to burn
It gave work every turn
And heat went from high T to low.

BY JOHN A. BARRETT

I've studied all the sciences in order alphabetical,

My judgment is, which some of you may find to be heretical,

The field that's really quite abstruse,

The field where all the screws come loose,

The field that's famous for its spoofs, is physics theoretical.

I've taken undergraduate work whose content is forgettable;

And graduate work is generally regarded as regrettable.

The lecturers are all absurd.

A cogent word is never heard.

Insanity afflicts a third in physics theoretical.

We never do experiments; we shun the purely practical.

Our best work's done in getting grants--our budgets are fantastical.

In one respect our motive's pure:

Though funding fails, we still endure--

We make damn sure our job's secure in physics theoretical.

Our scientific breakthroughs are, to say the least, debatable.

We laugh at critics haughtily; our egos are inflatable.

The rest of science goes along,

Because our last defense is strong:

It's hard to prove we're ever wrong in physics theoretical.

Anti gravity at its best:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

This question was posed to the Usenet Oracle:

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on it's feet.

But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on it's feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and ticked off aliens crash on top of them.

That Neiman-Marcus cookie story reminds me...

A few years ago I was touring the Jet Propulsion Lab and they showed me a prototype of the Hubble Space Telescope. "Pretty cool machine, guys," I said, "but is there anyway we amateur astronomers can get in on this kind of action?" They said yes, plans for the HST were available through the gift shop. "How much?" I asked. They said "Fifty." I said "Great! Here's my American Express Plutonium Card!"

I picked up the plans and went home, happy as a clam, until I got my American Express bill. The total amount due was $50,119.00! I figured the $119 must have been from one of these Northwest student ticket vouchers, but where was that $50,000 from? Only then did I realize that JPL had charged me, not fifty dollars, but fifty THOUSAND dollars. Boy was I mad. But it was too late to return the plans and get my fifty thousand dollars back, so I just chalked it up to experience. But now I'm getting my revenge... I asked the folks at the JPL copyright office if I could give the plans out to all my friends and they said, "Heck, why not? What do
we need with royalties? Tell the world!" So I've written up the key steps here. Please post them to every board you can think of and mail them to all your friends. Remember, if you break the chain you'll get seven years of bad sunspot interference.

You will need:

1 launch vehicle.
126 "Master Constructor" Erector Sets(tm).
1 Radio Shack(tm) Pro-2001 scanner.
1 2-meter block of glass.
1 box of aluminum foil.
4 sheets of #20 (coarse) sandpaper.
4 sheets of #150 (fine) sandpaper.
2 children's magnifying glasses.
(optional) filters and instrumentation as needed.

Instructions:

1. Using the erector sets, construct a superstructure capable of supporting a 2-meter mirror and whatever instrumentation you will be using. Make sure that the superstructure can survive the G-forces during launch. Don't be tempted to skimp on the nuts and bolts here.

2. Using the #20 sandpaper, grind the block of glass until it takes on the shape of a concave mirror. Be very careful in this step because if you get the shape wrong you'll have to start over again. Use the #150 sandpaper to smooth out any irregularities and fix any minor problems with the focus. Then melt the aluminum foil and vacuum deposit 1-2 atomic layers of aluminum on the surface of the mirror. Mount the mirror in its place in the superstructure.

3. Mount the children's magnifying glasses at the focal point of the mirror. These will serve as an eyepiece for your instruments.

4. Open the back of the Pro-2001 scanner. There will be a 16-pin chip on the upper left of the circuit board labeled 1Y1169AV. Carefully clip out the fourth pin on the left and remove it from the chip. This will convert your Pro-2001 scanner into the usually much more expensive Pro-2010 scanner with orbital transceiver capabilities. Close the back of the scanner, check that the batteries are in place, mount it in the superstructure, and connect it to your instruments.

5. Make one last check of everything and you're ready to launch!

This is a true story, every bit of it, I swear on my father's sister's grave. Even if it isn't, I hope that you get as much use and enjoyment out of your home-built Hubble Space Telescope as I have from mine!

How Many Generic Chickens Can You Fit Into a Generic Pontiac?

I. It has been proven succesfully that chickens have a definite wave-like nature. In reproducing Thomas Young's famous double-slit experiment of 1801, Sir Kenneth Harbour-Thomas showed that chickens not only diffract, but produce interference patterns as well. (This experiment is fully documented in Sir Kenneth's famous treatise "Tossing Chickens Through Various Apertures in Modern Architecture",1897)

II. It is also known, as any farmhand can tell you, that whereas if one chicken is placed in an enclosed space, it will be impossible to pinpoint the exact location of the chicken at any given time t. This was summarized by Helmut Heisenberg (Werner's younger brother) in the equation: d(chicken)* dt & gt = b (where b is the barnyard constant; 5.2 x10^(-14) domestic fowl * seconds)

III. Whatever our results, they must be consistant with the fundamentals of physics, so energy, momentum, and charge must all be conserved.

Chickens (fortunately) do not carry electric charge. This was discovered by Benjamin Franklin, after repeated experiments with chickens, kites, and thunderstorms.

The total energy of a chicken is given by the equation:
E = K + V
Where V is the potential energy of the chicken, and K is the kinetic energy of the chicken, given by (.5)mv^2 or (p^2) / (2m).

Since chickens have an associated wavelength, w, we know that the momentum of a free-chicken (that is, a chicken not enclosed in any sort of Pontiac) is given by: p = b / w.

IV. With this in mind, it is possible to come up with a wave equation for the potential energy of a generic chicken. (A wave equation will allow us to calculate the probability of finding any number of chickens in automobiles.) The wave equation for a non-relativistic, time-independant chicken in a one- dimensional Pontiac is given by:

[V * P] - [[(b^2) / (2m)] * D^2(P)] = E * P

P is the wave function, and D^2(P) is its second derivative. The wave equation can be used to prove that chickens are in fact quantized, and that by using the Perdue Exclusion formula we know that no two chickens in any Pontiac can have the same set of quantum numbers.

V. The probability of finding a chicken in the Pontiac is simply the integral of P * P * dChicken from 0 to x, where x = the length of the Pontiac. Since each chicken will have its own set of quantum numbers (when examining the case of the three-dimensional Pontiac) different wave functions can be derived for each set of quantum numbers. It is important to note that we now know that there is no such thing as a generic chicken. Each chicken influences the position and velocity of every other chicken inside the Pontiac, and each chicken must be treated individually.

It has been theorized that chickens do in fact have an intrinsic angular momentum, yet no experiment has been yet conducted to prove this, as chickens tend to move away from someone trying to spin them.

Curious sidenote: Whenever possible, any attempt to integrate a chicken should be done by parts, as most people will tend to want the legs (dark meat), which can lead to innumerable family conflicts which are best avoided if at all possible.

The following paper is taken from The Journal of Irreproducible Results, Volume 25/Number 4/1979. P.O. Box 234 Chicago Heights, Illinois 60411


I. INTRODUCTION

Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines from printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known that all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan libraries, obviously the court's officially stated position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not have the intelligence of a cabbage, and thus the "official" press releases claim national security as a blanket restriction.

The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread misinformation can (and must) be cleared up now, for the construction project this month is the construction of a thermonuclear device, which will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you might have about such a project. We will see how easy it is to make a device of your very own in ten easy steps, to have and hold as you see fit, without annoying interference from the government or the courts.

The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000, depending on how fancy you want the final product to be. Since last week's column, "Let's Make a Time Machine", was received so well in the new step-by-step format, this month's column will follow the same format.

II. CONSTRUCTION METHOD

1. First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade Plutonium at your local supplier (see NOTE 1). A nuclear power plant is not recommended, as large quantities of missing Plutonium tends to make plant engineers unhappy. We suggest that you contact your local terrorist organization, or perhaps the Junior Achievement in your neighborhood.

2. Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous. Wash your hands with soap and warm water after handling the material, and don't allow your children or pets to play in it or eat it. Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellant. You may wish to keep the substance in a lead box if you can find one in your local junk yard, but an old coffee can will do nicely.

3. Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as, for example, a briefcase, a lunch pail, or a Buick. Do not use tinfoil.

4. Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispheral shapes, separated by about 4 cm. Use rubber cement to hold the Plutonium dust together.

5. Now get about 100 kg (220 lbs.) of trinitrotoluene (TNT). Gelignite is much better, but messier to work with. Your helpful hardware man will be happy to provide you with this item.

6. Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If you cannot find Gelignite, feel free to use TNT packed in with Playdough or any modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but there is no need to get fancy at this point.

7. Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step 3. Use a strong glue such as "Krazy Glue" to bind the hemisphere arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which might result from vibration or mishandling.

8. To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo mechanism, as found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a modicum of effort, a remote plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to effect a small explosion. These detonatior caps can be found in the electrical supply section of your local supermarket. We recommend the "Blast-O-Matic" brand because they are no deposit-no return.

9. Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children. The garage is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range of temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known to spontaneously detonate in these unstable conditions. The hall closet or under the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable.

10. Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, can be used for national defense.

III. THEORY OF OPERATION

The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear chain recation similar to the domino chain reaction (discussed in this column, "Dominos on the March", March, 1968). The chain reaction then promptly produces a big thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a 10 megaton explosion!

IV. NEXT MONTH'S COLUMN

In next month's column, we will learn how to clone your neighbor's wife in six easy steps. This project promises to be an exciting weekend full of fun and profit. Common kitchen utensils will be all you need. See you next month!

V. NOTES

1. Plutonium (Pu), atomic number 94, is a radioactive metallic element formed by the decay of Neptunium and is similar in chemical structure to Uranium, Saturium, Jupiternium, and Marisum.

VI. PREVIOUS MONTH'S COLUMNS
1. Let's Make Test Tube Babies! May, 1979
2. Let's Make a Solar System! June, 1979
3. Let's Make an Economic Recession! July, 1979
4. Let's Make an Anti-Gravity Machine! August, 1979
5. Let's Make Contact with an Alien Race! September, 1979

A farmer has a very sick cow, so he calls his vet. The vet comes out to the farm and checks the cow out and finds nothing wrong. He leaves some medicine and calls back in two days. Since the cow is no better, he advises the farmer to try calling the local university for help. The farmer first calls the biology department, and three students come out to see the cow. After a week of tests, they give up and refer the farmer to the chemistry department. This department sends out six students who test the cow and its environment for a week without success. Desperate, the farmer calls the physics department. The next day, one student arrives, looks at the cow, takes a few notes, and leaves. One week later, the farmer gets a call. "We think we know what the problem is. First, assume a spherical cow, ..."


Its a physics thing.

Murphy's Law Proven with Quantum Mechanics

In a startling new development in the field of physics, U.C. Berkeley professor Erwin Brodinger claims to have proven the validity of Murphy's Law--the "law" which states that anything that can go wrong will do so, and at the worst possible moment--with quantum mechanics.

"I won't go into the details," said Brodinger, "because it'd take you 50 years to understand them (if you're lucky). Suffice it to say that computer simulation has shown that, given the universe's most probable configuration, the quantum mechanical state corresponding to an intelligent being saying 'Holy sh**! I'm SCREWED!' in its native language happens to be an extremely likely one. This is just one of several theoretical predictions I've worked out which show the vailidity of Murphy's Law."

Perhaps the most significant of these other predictions is what has become known the the physics community as the paradox of Brodinger's Dog.
"Basically, the idea behind Brodinger's Dog is that when a poodle takes a dump, the resulting doodie isn't really here, there, or anywhere in particular. It's in a quantum-mechanical superposition of locations, smeared out exponentially over a 10-foot or so radius-- until, that is, an observer steps into the general vicinity. Then, and only then, does it decide where it really is. As it turns out, unfortunately, 97.4% of the time it decides it's right under the observer's foot."
Does this only hold for poodles?

"Well, while doing the calculations, I made a minor simplification: in the models I used, the dog was assumed to be about half the size of an atomic nucleus. While I'm positive this assumption wouldn't prevent my results from applying to small dogs, I'm not sure about really big dogs, like, say, German Shepherds."
In collaboration with another Berkeley professor, Wiener Heifenburg, Brodinger also helped to formulate the Heifenberg Certainty Principle, which is stated as follows: the certainty that you are about to make an incredibly stupid and embarrassing mistake is directly proportional to the total importance of the people currently watching you.

Brodinger says his work was inspired by an instance last summer in which he was maimed by a pack of rabid platypuses marauding the south side of campus. "Right before a hot date I had that night, too," the professor sighed.

(Author Unknown)

We hold these postulates to be intuitively obvious, that all physicists are born equal, to a first approximation, and are endowed by their creator with certain discrete privileges, among them a mean rest life, n degrees of freedom, and the following rights which are invariant under all linear transformations:
1. To approximate all problems to ideal cases.
2. To use order of magnitude calculations whenever deemed necessary (i.e. whenever one can get away with it).
3. To use the rigorous method of "squinting" for solving problems more complex than the addition of positive real integers.
4. To dismiss all functions which diverge as "nasty" and "unphysical."
5. To invoke the uncertainty principle when confronted by confused mathematicians, chemists, engineers, psychologists, dramatists, und andere schweinhund.
6. When pressed by non-physicists for an explanation of (4) to mumble in a sneering tone of voice something about physically naive mathematicians.
7. To equate two sides of an equation which are dimensionally inconsistent, with a suitable comment to the effect of, "Well, we are interested in the order of magnitude anyway."
8. To invent fictitious forces to delude the general public.
9. To justify shaky reasoning on the basis that it gives the right answer.
10. To cleverly choose convenient initial conditions, using the principle of general triviality.
11. To use plausible arguments in place of proofs, and thenceforth refer to these arguments as proofs.
12. To take on faith any principle which seems right but cannot be proved.

Physics Product Warnings

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is TenDimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

Let me put all this in terms that everyone on this board will understand. God is a point mass, centered at the origin of our xyz space. Christ, we will assume, is at the right hand of God, or about 100 centimeters away. His mass is probably around 75 kilograms. Since God has a very large mass (a bit less than infinity), Christ, who we will assume is in a circular orbit around God, has a very large momentum, and hence has a very small wavelength. This means that Christ's uncertainty is quite small, so we can therefore conclude that he is fairly certain in all that he does. Now let us consider a sinner. We shall place him at a large distance from God, say one inch and 45 million light-years. He, also being in a circular orbit, will be traveling significantly slower than Christ, and will therefore be more uncertain about it. One should also consider, however, that since Christ's orbit could fit in a kiddie pool, while the sinner's would encompass not only our galaxy, but a few of the nearby ones as well, that the sinner gets around more, sees more, and is generally a more knowledgeable guy than the Savior. This fits in with traditional wisdom. From this situation we can draw a few conclusions. The first is that Mary, the Mother of God, being a fairly pure person is close to God. This means that she must be a fast woman. The second conclusion that can be drawn is that sinners have a lot more potential than saints, since less of their energy is stored as kinetic energy. Further insights can be gained when we look at the situation of the Heathen.

A heathen is someone who is not affected by God. This means that they are at least a infinite distance from Him. Now, assuming that one of these folks starts to travel towards God, he will convert his potential energy to kinetic energy during the approach, or descent. Since he started out an infinite distance away, but with some kinetic energy of his own, he will approach God on a hyperbolic trajectory and then disappear into space, never to be seen again. If his approach is such that it brings him inside the orbit of the Son of God, then right after his closest approach, the sinner's velocity will be greater than Jesus', which means that he will be more sure of himself in his escape than Christ is in orbit. This is an interesting notion, but some of the side ramifications are even more intriguing.

Without any orbiters, therefore, God would not be able to attract anyone -- all approaching bodies would have either parabolic or hyperbolic trajectories. However, once God has an orbiter, the two of them could collaborate to capture other bodies. This means that heathens that get too close to believers in their approaches might get trapped, and by the same token, believers who are buzzed by heathens could be ejected. And what, the reader asks at this point, does any of this have to do with sex? This is alt.sex.b.p.p, not alt.god.b.p.p. Well, the answer is this: sex, as we all know, is the union of two or more people. This, in our analogy, would be represented as a collision. Now, in Christianity, almost all of the holy figures are male. For God, a collision between any of these would be disastrous, because, even if we assume they are indestructible, such a high energy collision would:

* eject one of the men in it,
* cause one of them to fall into God,
* or, give them highly irregular elliptical orbits.

All of these would be bad for God, because in the first two cases He would lose orbiters, making His chance at capturing new ones less, and in the third case He would have a much greater chance of more collisions, as the elliptical orbiters would cross many of the unaffected circular orbits. Therefore, God probably disapproves of these collisions. Anyway, I managed to bring this rant back to the topic it was supposed to address in the first place, so I'm gonna eat lunch now. If anyone is not offended yet, I can use the analogy to prove the next verse in Leviticus, that "no man shall wear clothes of two different fabrics". Later, y'all.

-Chuck

Politically Correct Physics
1996 Course Offerings at the Scientific and Technical University for Politically Intelligent Development (S.T.U.P.I.D.)

We are an equal opportunity university specializing in higher-order thinking skills that provide students with raised consciousness, empowerment, and self-esteem. We are especially proud of our inclusionary policies which empower all members of society, regardless of differences in ability and background. For example, we were the first university in North America to ensure that every traffic sign on campus was not only printed in at least 5 languages, but is also marked in Braille. We are proud of our diversity and require gender and ethnic diversity from every student. All students accepted to S.T.U.P.I.D. are guaranteed passing grades and a succesful graduation as a right. All students applying to S.T.U.P.I.D. are guaranteed admittance as long as our modest tuition requirements and entrance fees are paid - and we work hard to help students get the federal and state grants they deserve to attend our university. Competition is out - all classes operate on the principles of cooperative learning, self-directed learning, learning-to-learn, and active learning. This is facilitated by our well supplied computer and multimedia labs, now with Super Sega CD and Enhanced Super Nintendo. S.T.U.P.I.D. - the ultimate adventure in modern education.

P101 - PC Freshman Physics: Toward a Higher Awareness
Traditional Eurocentric physics must be excised if students are to achieve higher consciousness. The restrictive ideology of Newton, with its emphasis on action and reaction, is exposed as reactionary propaganda, used for centuries to oppress people and institutionalize fear and hate. The prohibitive, traditional "laws" of physics must be rejected in favor of new models that foster tolerance, empowerment, and social justice. Under the old order, radical conservative forces have imposed "conservative" laws restricting the use of energy, mass, momentum, and electrical charge. Rather than conserving such forces and powers, they must be increased and made available to all people, regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation. Students are instructed in the revolutionary New Physics and are encouraged to promote awareness through demonstrations and other media events.

P115 - Contributions of the Vertically Challenged in Physics
Startling new evidence confirms that most great physicists were vertically challenged (or "short," as bigots are wont to say). Unfortunately, repressive social norms forced many scientists to strive to appear vertically gifted in order to maintain credibility with the masses. Some never publicly came out about their true vertical orientation, but were still privately active in the vertically challenged subculture. This course examines how the vertically challenged status of Newton, Galileo, Einstein, Bohr, and many others contributed to their success as scientists.

P116 - Quantum Mechanics: Contributions of Indigenous Peoples
Most textbooks on physics, written by the ruling Eurocentric white male class, have completely ignored the fundamental contributions of indigenous peoples toward our understanding of quantum mechanics. This course seeks to rectify past wrongs by focusing on the achievements in quantum mechanics of peoples such as the Aleutian Indians, the Australian Aborigines, and Karen tribes of Thailand. Extra credit and reduced homework loads are available to members of oppressed groups.


P221 - White Male Oppression in Nuclear Physics
For centuries, white males have used the rhetoric and the tools of physics - especially nuclear physics - to suppress other classes. Bigoted labeling of subatomic particles, such as "negative" for the charge of the electron or "uncharmed" for some quarks, implies that some particles are better than others, which in turn is used to strengthen repressive norms of racial and gender inequality. Students will explore more holistic approaches to physics and learn how to turn physics into a New Age tool of class struggle to overthrow oppression.

P287 - Feminist Cosmology
The Big Bang Model is exposed a purely male paradigm, deliberately replete with male sexual symbolism in order to deny empowerment to women. A more progressive feminine cosmology, the Gentle Nurturing, is offered to replaced the male Big Bang theory. The Gentle Nurturing model views the origin of the universe as lengthy period of gradual gestation, followed by steady nurturing, rather than a sudden eruption. The male originators of the Big Bang theory are examined critically for their role in maintaining an oppressive order through the manipulation of physics. The new paradigm shows that we are part of an interconnected cosmic entity which must be further nurtured and protected from the harms inflicted by the radical right.

P326 - Advanced Psychophysics
This specialized course for physics majors only teaches students to achieve high levels of cosmic awareness by tapping into the universal consciousness that engulfs us all. Such higher order thinking skills are developed by cooperative quantum reconstruction and self-directed neural empowerment sessions with the assistance of Tarot cards, Ouija boards, energy crystals, and altered states of consciousness. Students not only develop their psychic gifts, but learn how to effectively market them in fields such as Celebrity Counseling, Political Psychotherapy (including tips on White House protocol), and Forensic Psychozoology (using psychic gifts to identify which corporations have harmed protected species). Teaching assistants are available in the form of personal spirit guides.

P331 - Gaia, the Atomic Mother
Past studies of Gaia as the self-regulating life force of mother earth have been too narrow in their vision. A new framework for physics shows that Gaia originates at the atomic level, where each atom is alive and connected to the cosmic consciousness, directly influencing universal karma. This breakthrough in human consciousness, finally accessing the astral energies of the atom itself, reveals the horror of man's sins against nature in the twentieth century. Splitting the atom, for example, is now seen as the ultimate act of violence. Our assault on the atomic world may account for much of the clash between man and nature, including the recent escalation in lightning strikes. This course will show students new approaches to life and energy to heal the wounds we have inflicted to the atomic world, including the damaged self-esteem to electrons and other particles afflicted with judgmental labels by bigoted scientists. Prerequisite: P221.

The Scientific and Technical University for Politically Intelligent Development is a fully accredited non-profit institution of higher multicultural learning. The University is an Equal Opportunity institution, working to provide equality and empowerment for all. Reactionaries and members of oppressor classes need not apply.

http://www.athenet.net/~jlindsay/index.html
Politically correct inquiries may be sent by email to: jlindsay@athenet.net


From: arensb@cvl.umd.edu (Andrew Arensburger)
Subject: Quantum physics
(This just materialized on my desk one day. It's in my handwriting, so I must have written it, though I'll deny it if I'm indicted. -AA)

The topic for today is quantum physics. Quantum physics was developed in the 1930's, as a result of a bet between Albert Einstein and Niels Bohr, to see who could come up with the most ridiculous theory and still have it published. Most people agree that Bohr won hands down, although Einstein did very well in the swimsuit competition. One of the most important researchers in quantum physics is Werner Heisenberg, a man with a wonderful sense of humor, who was always cracking one-liners, like "delta-p times delta-x is less than h!" Ha! ha! What a card! This is known as Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, which is closely related to Goedel's Incompleteness Theorem, which says that some things are true, but you can't prove them, like when my wife and I argue over whether it's her turn to take out the garbage or not.

What Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle says is that if something is small enough, you can't say anything about it. Anyone with the I.Q. of baking powder immediately understood that this means that if you look at something so small that you can't even *see* it, like my dog, Oscar Wilde's brain, then you obviously can't tell, say, what color it is. But some people didn't get the joke, and decided to investigate this principle further. They would gather and sit around all day, drinking beer and performing "Gedankesexperimenten," or "Thank God we're theoretical physicists so we don't have to get our hands dirty with particle accelerators and other heavy machinery." The most famous of these is Schroedinger's Cat, where several physicists kidnap Erwin Schroedinger's cat Fluffy and lock it up in a box, along with a radioactive source such as Cheez Doodles. Then they walk around with concerned expressions on their faces, commenting about how they don't know what's going on inside the box. This goes on until the cleaning lady discovers the box, opens it and tells the physicists whether the cat is dead, or whether it has mutated into a man-eating flea the size of Norway. The point of this experiment is to show that uncertainty at the quantum level can be detected in the macroscopic world and produce widespread anxiety and paranoia. It also explains why paper clips just lie there while you look at them, but as soon as you turn your back, they run away, giggling wildly, and transform themselves into coat hangers.

Another famous researcher is Richard Feynman, who invented Feynman diagrams,which are bunches of squiggly lines with greek letters next to them. The way they were discovered was, one day, Hans Bethe came in to Feynman's office to say that some of the guys down in particle research were having a jam session down by the cyclotron, and would Richard like to come over and bring his bongos? Feynman was out, at the time, cracking a safe or something, so Bethe tried to leave him a note. On the desk, he found one of Feynman's daughter's kindergarten drawings. Bethe couldn't make head or tail of it, and figured that if even he couldn't understand it, then it must be something Terribly Clever, and promptly called it a Feynman diagram. This was a major scientific breakthrough, and ever since, proud parents have been hanging their children's Feynman diagrams on refrigerators with little muon-shaped magnets, confident that their Little Darlings are developing important scientific theories every day, because they are, after all, Gifted Children.

Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of getting lost, and why humans always end up with large collections of unmatched odd socks. One school of thought says that socks are very antisocial creatures, and have a deep sense of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same design have feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found nestling up to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock).

Quantum Sock Theory

On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a generalized exclusion principle--it is impossible for two socks to be in the same eigen-state, and when it's in danger of happening, one of the socks has to vanish. Indeed the Uncertainty Principle also comes in--the only time you know where a sock is, is when you're wearing it, and hence unable to be sure exactly how fast it's moving. The moment you stop moving and look at your sock, it then starts falling to pieces, changing color, or otherwise becoming indeterminate. Either way, socks may possess Color and Strangeness, but they seem to lack Charm.

THE TRUTH ABOUT ELECTRICITY

Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.

It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons," which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.

AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.

Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.

After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond -- almost.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousand of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937.

Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball"


You Might Be a Physics Major If...

If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

If you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

If you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

If it is sunny and 72 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

If you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

If you always do homework on Friday nights.

If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

If you think in "math."

If you have no life - and you can prove it mathematically.

If you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

If you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.

If you have a pet named after a scientist.

If you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."

If you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

If you are completely addicted to caffeine.

If you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

If you consider any non-science course "easy."

If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.

If you can translate English into Binary.

If you understood more than five of these indicators.

If you print out this page, and post it on your door.

Copyright © 1997 Funny Town - All rights reserved.

RULES FOR RESEARCH:

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is a great deal of difference.

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Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.
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FINAGLE'S LAWS:

1. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

2.1 No matter what result is anticipated, there is always someone willing to fake it.

2.2 No matter what the result, there is always someone eager to misinterpret it.

2.3 No matter what happens, there is always someone who believes it happened according to his pet theory.

3. In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

4. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

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FINAGLE'S CREED

Science is Truth; don't be misled by facts.
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FINAGLE'S COROLLARY

On a seasonally adjusted basis, there are only six months in a year.

If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.
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IGGY'S RULE OF SCIENTIFIC ADVANCES

All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths.
Engineering advances are drawn inside matchbook covers. Keep supplies of them handy at all times.
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RULES OF THE LAB

1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
2. Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
3. First draw your curves, then plot your data.
4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
5. A record of data is essential, it shows you were working.
6. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle.
10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
11. Do not believe in miracles---rely on them.
12. Team work is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.(Law of Spontaneous Fission)

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RULE OF ACCURACY

When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
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RULE OF FAILURE

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you have tried.
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RULE OF REASON

If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
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ARNOLD'S LAWS OF DOCUMENTATION

1. If it should exist, it doesn't.
2. If it does exist, it's out of date.
3. Only useless documentation transcends the first two laws.
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THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF STATISTICAL INFERENCE

1. Thou shalt not hunt statistical inference with a shotgun.
2. Thou shalt not enter the valley of the methods of inference without an experimental design.
3. Thou shalt not make statistical inference in the absence of a model.
4. Thou shalt honour the assumptions of thy model.
5. Thy shalt not adulterate thy model to obtain significant results.
6. Thy shalt not covet thy colleagues' data.
7. Thy shalt not bear false witness against thy control group.
8. Thou shalt not worship the 0.05 significance level.
9. Thy shalt not apply large sample approximation in vain.
10. Thou shalt not infer causal relationships from statistical significance.
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From: Koos.denOudsten@phil.ruu.nl
Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
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FURTHER HINTS ON WRITE-UPS:

1. In any collection of data, the figures that most closely confirm the theory are wrong.
2. No one you ask for help will see the mistakes either.
3. Any nagging intruder who stops by with unsought advice will see them immediately.
4. If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
5. An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half the data must be discarded to agree with the theory.
6. No experiment is ever a complete failure. It can serve as a bad example.
7. Always leave room, when writing a report, to add an explanation if it doesn't work (Rule of the Way Out).
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From: jac@ds8.scri.fsu.edu (Jim Carr)
Raw data is like raw sewage, it requires some processing before it can be spread around. The opposite is true of theories.
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Murphy's law of research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.


RULES FOR RESEARCH:

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is a great deal of difference.

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Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.
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FINAGLE'S LAWS:

1. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

2.1 No matter what result is anticipated, there is always someone willing to fake it.

2.2 No matter what the result, there is always someone eager to misinterpret it.

2.3 No matter what happens, there is always someone who believes it happened according to his pet theory.

3. In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

4. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

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FINAGLE'S CREED

Science is Truth; don't be misled by facts.
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FINAGLE'S COROLLARY

On a seasonally adjusted basis, there are only six months in a year.

If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.
------------------------------------------------------------------
IGGY'S RULE OF SCIENTIFIC ADVANCES

All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths.
Engineering advances are drawn inside matchbook covers. Keep supplies of them handy at all times.
------------------------------------------------------------------
RULES OF THE LAB

1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
2. Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
3. First draw your curves, then plot your data.
4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
5. A record of data is essential, it shows you were working.
6. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle.
10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
11. Do not believe in miracles---rely on them.
12. Team work is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.(Law of Spontaneous Fission)

------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE OF ACCURACY

When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE OF FAILURE

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you have tried.
------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE OF REASON

If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
------------------------------------------------------------------
ARNOLD'S LAWS OF DOCUMENTATION

1. If it should exist, it doesn't.
2. If it does exist, it's out of date.
3. Only useless documentation transcends the first two laws.
------------------------------------------------------------------
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF STATISTICAL INFERENCE

1. Thou shalt not hunt statistical inference with a shotgun.
2. Thou shalt not enter the valley of the methods of inference without an experimental design.
3. Thou shalt not make statistical inference in the absence of a model.
4. Thou shalt honour the assumptions of thy model.
5. Thy shalt not adulterate thy model to obtain significant results.
6. Thy shalt not covet thy colleagues' data.
7. Thy shalt not bear false witness against thy control group.
8. Thou shalt not worship the 0.05 significance level.
9. Thy shalt not apply large sample approximation in vain.
10. Thou shalt not infer causal relationships from statistical significance.
------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Koos.denOudsten@phil.ruu.nl
Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

FURTHER HINTS ON WRITE-UPS:

1. In any collection of data, the figures that most closely confirm the theory are wrong.
2. No one you ask for help will see the mistakes either.
3. Any nagging intruder who stops by with unsought advice will see them immediately.
4. If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
5. An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half the data must be discarded to agree with the theory.
6. No experiment is ever a complete failure. It can serve as a bad example.
7. Always leave room, when writing a report, to add an explanation if it doesn't work (Rule of the Way Out).

ELEMENT: Man
SYMBOL: Ah (short for A**hole)
QUANTITATIVE: Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
DISCOVERER: Eve
OCCURENCE: Found following dual element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties :

Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).

Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz).

Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.

Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.

Often damaged as a direct result of reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.

Chemical properties:

All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.

May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.

Usually willing to react with what ever is available.

Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.

Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.

Storage: Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable rate.

Uses: Heavy boxes, top shelves, lawn maintenance, free dinners for Wo...

Tests: Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution : Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.

Nuclear Picnic